Yes, yes, I know I am late. It has been like, what? Two weeks?! WTH!

No, I didn't disappear on you like I did in my other stories. Still here. You won't get rid of me that easily .

I was late because:

A, I was mourning Damon Fucking Salvatore. He is dead, people! Can't a girl have a crying fit every century and half?! I thought I died with him. And Elena broke my heart with the Wings song. And Bonnie…don't even get me started on this!

But hey, at least Alaric is back!

That remains me of S3 finial when they crashed us with 'it is always gonna be Stefan' then they gave us DE first meeting to give us something to be happy about!

Seriously, guys if I get started talking about the finial, you won't get to read that chapter. But I'd REAALLY like to hear your thought

Soooo…on with the chapter

EPOV:

Chapter five: The Ones Who Write My Life Story

The wedding day, two months ago:

I have been pacing the room for a few minutes, running my hands in my hair so many times that my fingers start to ash. I know what I have to do, then why is it so fucking hard now?

I managed to sneak into my hotel room in the Four Seasons without alarming any of the girls. Most of them are probably passed out from drinking so much so it wasn't too tricky to escape them. I showered and changed into a simple sundress. Then, I made my way to the hotel Christian is staying in and the receptionist gave me the room keycard because he knows me from the time Christian took me here before. And now the easy part is over. Time to face the music. He is thankfully in the bathroom so I have some time to myself.

"Christian, we need to talk" I say to the floor length mirror as I imagine his face when I tell him the next words. What do I say? 'I am sorry but I am not ready'? too straight to the point. 'I love you but I need more time'? I can almost see his face breaking; hear him accusing me of not loving him enough to spend the rest of my life with him.

How do you tell the man that has always been there for you, that will do anything to take care of you, the man who came into your life when it was falling apart and was the one to pick up the pieces, how do you tell that man you don't want to marry him? To give him the only thing he has ever asked you for?

I hear the bathroom door opens but I am frozen in my place. He stops in his tracks when he sees me and then starts walking toward me. I am still staring at my reflection but I can see him behind me. In black dress pants and white shirt with the first three buttons open, his black tie hangs untied on his shoulders, his hair is still wet from the shower and a few bangs have fallen over his forehead, he looks like a modal who just stepped out of a fashion magazine, absolutely gorgeous. But then again, he always has been. He walks until he is right behind me and then wraps his arms around me and rests his chin on my shoulder. I resist the urge to tense in his arms and let my eyes meet him in the mirror.

"Elena" he whispers as he presses an open mouthed kiss on my shoulder. I close my eyes and try to keep my cool. Stay strong, Elena. "I heard you disappeared last night" Shit! Caroline couldn't just keep her mouth shut! She had to go and tell my overprotective fiancé that I went MIA! I go limp in his arms already expecting a storm.

"It got too much for me. You know Caroline" I press my lips in a hard line for good measure. "I figured I would flee before the stripers crash the party" I feel him stiffen behind me immediately, a frown clear on his face.

"There were stripers?" he questions in a harsh low tone that immediately send shivers through my spine, not the good ones. His arms tighten around me.

"I didn't see any" I correct aiming for a good save. "But I expected Caroline to do it so I took caution"

"She shouldn't. She should know better than to do so. And you can't let her chase you away from your own party" he scolds in a way only Christian can.

"She didn't chase me away! I told you I get overwhelmed a little it happens!" his frown replaced by a glare alarms me that I have taken a tone with him. I suppress a sigh and try to calm my nerves. "It doesn't matter, now. She did her best and the party was awesome. I just needed sometime to myself" here it comes. Come on, Elena. Say it!

"Listen, Christian…" I start, trying to pull away from his arms. he lets me go.

"Wait. First I have something for you" he holds his finger up for me with a grin so wide and so rare on his handsome face. He goes to his nightstand and pulls a fill from the drawer. "I was planning on giving you that after the wedding but I just couldn't wait" he hands me the fill waiting for me to open it. The excitement is radiating out of him as he bite his bottom lip. My curiosity gets the best of me and I open the fill.

Oh. My. God.

"Christian…" I am at loss of words. "I can't accept that…" he must be insane!

"It is your wedding present, Elena. I am not taking no for an answer." He cuts me off, his face serious, his voice stern. I know that Christian, it is 'don't argue with me because you will never win' CEO Christian.

"You are crazy. No one gives a damn company as a wedding present! And how the hell will I be able to run this thing?" I think I am panicking. He cups my face gently forcing me to meet his calm gray eyes.

"Breathe, baby. Breathe with me" he starts to breathe slowly and I follow his lead. It is something we did a lot before. When I used to wake up in the middle of the night chased by nightmares of my parents death. I am calmed after a few minutes. The feeling of déjà vu remains me of what this man has gone through with me for the past six months. For me. I feel a bang in my chest when I realize what I was about to do to him. What I already done to him. I feel the wetness on my checks before he uses his thumbs to wipe away my tears. Another feeling of déjà vu hits me when I remember different hands wiping my tears few hours ago. I can't believe I have betrayed the only person who has been there for me. "Hush, baby. You can do it. I know you can. I trust you. I told you before, Elena. And I will tell you again. From this day on whatever is mine is yours. I will bring the world under your feet, baby. All I want is you." his words are my trigger and I break into a sobbing mess on his shoulder. What have I ever give to this man? He gave me everything he has and all he asked for was me. And I failed him, even the only thing he wanted I couldn't give him. Because I was so damn selfish and reckless.

I am sorry, Christian. I will never do it again. Please forgive me.

He pulls my face up to examine my eyes. "What is it, baby? Tell me" his gray eyes are begging, pleading, searching. I hate my selfish sinning self. I can't loss Christian. He is my world, my everything. I can't even begin to imagine my life without him. A broken shattered mess. That is what I was when I first met him and that is what I will be if I lose him now, maybe worse.

"Nothing" I shake my head. I will not lose everything; disappoint everyone in a moment of doubt. I thought I can take the risk of everything crumpling under my feet but I can't. I love this man and I will marry him. Soon, every little doubt I have will fade away and last night will be wiped of my memory forever. He will be wiped of my memory forever. I ignore the tightening in my chest. It won't last. "Everything is fine" I plant a fake smile on my face and hope for the life of me that it will be the last one I will ever have to fake.

Man, was I wrong! A car horn alarms me that the light is already green and I am still not moving. I shake my head to chase the memory of that fateful night away as I get my car back on the road.

I am back to my company faster than I want. Grey Publish House. I was simple editor when I met my husband a year ago. My biggest dream was to publish my own book, to write my own story. Now I am the owner of the biggest publishing house in the city and I haven't published anything of my own. If I told someone that I haven't reached my dreams, they would laugh at me, call my ungrateful, greedy woman. But the truth is, the only stories I publish are written for me. My stories are written for me. I dismiss the thought of that sentence being true in so many levels.

"Oh. My. God. Elena, where the hell have you been?" Caroline's familiar squeak is the first thing I am greeted with once I entre my office. I know the storm is coming so I will just bend. You can not by any means face a Forbes storm, either you bend or you break. And now I am really not in the mood to test my luck on that theory.

"I needed to be somewhere calm" I answer without meeting her eyes or stopping my tracks, hoping to avoid a Spinach investigation.

"And why didn't you answer or return any of my calls?" I can picture her with her hands on her hips without even looking up at her. i only look up when I am settled behind my desk.

"Like I said I needed calm" I answer beginning a game of stare I learned from my dear husband. It doesn't seem to work with my oldest friend, thou. Should have known it won't but it was worth a try. She just shakes her head at me, her perfectly curled blonde masterpieces flying around her face.

"Don't give me that shit, Elena. I was worried sick about you" the concern oozing from her voice softens my attitude immediately. I love her, I love that she is worried about me. But sometimes she can be a bit of a control freak and I already have one that I share my bed with. I don't need or want another 'caretaker'. What I need is a friend. Caroline sometimes bypasses that fact. I can't blame her. I haven't been that much of a friend lately.

"I am sorry, Caroline. I really am. But you know I haven't been feeling well lately and everything is just so stressful. I needed to get away for a moment. I need you to understand that" I will her to see my point. She sighs softly and takes a seat across of me.

"I understand" I breathe a sigh of relief. "I just don't want you to want to get away. I want you to come to me, Elena. I am your friend and even since you get married I am more your PA than your friend"

"Care, No. Fuck" Oh god, I feel terrible! When I asked Caroline to help me run this company, I never intended to treat her as my PA. we have been 'Besties' since freshmen year in Columbia and I want to keep it that way! She is my best friend, my maid of honor, my rock. I don't think I can bear to lose her…or Bonnie. What the hell am I doing?

You really fucked up, Missy.

I know. Now, let me fix it.

I run my hand through my hair. As soon as I close my eyes, I see him. Blue eyes, full of understanding, concern and longing. The version that is supposed to disturb me is actually the only thing keeping me sane right now. I didn't know how much I needed him until I was there in his arms. I wanted to hid, to disappear into him. I wanted the time to stop, the moment to freeze.

But we don't always get what we want, do we?

Yeah, tell me about it.

I open my eyes to chase his image away and I see Caroline examining me closely. Oh, shit! What did she see now?

"Elena, what is wrong?" Fuck, Fuck, fuckity of fuckites.

"I am fine. Did you have lunch?" please drop it, Care.

"I did" she rolls her eyes at me knowing what I am trying to do. I guess she figures she can't get something out of me anyway. Walah, look who is getting smarter?! "It was your lose anyway. I wanted to tell you about Jesse" she changes the subject for me and I almost thank her! hmmm, Jesse, the bronze hottie we met in the last 'Grey' event.

"What about him?" I jump to the new subject with a new founded enthusiasm.

"No way, young lady. You missed your chance when you disappeared on me" I give her my best puppy dog face and I know she is itching to tell me anyway. It will only take…one…two…three…four…"Okay. I forgive you" and she breaks into a fit of giggles

See, told ya!

"He called?" I wonder letting a grin of my own out.

"He did" she squeaks. "Crap" she curses under her breath and snaps her mouth shut suddenly. "We have tons of work to do and lunch time is over!" she announces in her crisis voice. "I was gonna tell you at lunch. Now we will have to wait until we are finished" she adds in her 'Professional Caroline' tone. Yes, Ma'am. Damn it, sometimes it feels like it is me who is working for her!

I do as I am told and dig into work. To say that I enjoy editing will be an understatement! I love books. Imagine getting paid for reading awesome books! And the perks of being the head of the company, I don't read but the very chosen ones. Those young writers are freaking talented. And beside the boring headboard meetings, I feel like I couldn't be paid to do this. I get lost in the haze of work as usual and time flow by.

"I am preparing a surprise birthday party for Bonnie" Caroline announces after she is done gossiping about her coming soon date with Mr. Hotness. "Next Tuesday"

"Really? That is great. Hold on…I am sure Bonnie's birthday is on Thursday" I frown and start looking through my calendar.

"It is. But if I do the party on Thursday, how is that a surprise?" Caroline states like it is the most obvious thing in the world.

"Yeah. Sure" I couldn't help the grin on my face as I shake my head on my crazy friend.

"You will be there. You and 'Mr. Grey' "she used her fingers to quoting the last word and I roll my eyes at her.

"I will tell him. But you know he doesn't do well with crowds"

"And you know that I am not buying this bullshit! He is like a Hollywood stare in charity and red carpet event but he feel intimidated by a little birthday crowd? Come on!"

"You don't get, Care. In those events, he is the CEO. He can be that person just fine. In total control. But in the friendly little events, he is just Christian. No power there. He gets a little lost" I say trying to explain my husband's lack of social skills.

"We all can get a little lost in crowds. Your husband just likes to walk into the room and be the one who intimidate people. Not the other way around"

Honestly, sometimes I think that he avoids dealing with people who don't get paid by him! People he doesn't hold their lives in his hands, he has no power over them. Also sometimes I wonder if that is one of the reasons he was so desperate to marry me. I can be his girlfriend, I can tell him 'I am yours', I can move in with him, but he still feels like he can lose me any moment. Marriage helped him feel more content but I think he still has this nagging thought that he doesn't own me completely.

Well, considering your blue eyed little secret, does he?

"What are you implying, Caroline?" Shit, I can gossip with Care for hours, but once we start talking about Christian it doesn't take me more than few minutes to feel drained.

"That maybe he doesn't really want to try?" she said slowly and carefully and I glare at her. She sighs "look, you want facts?! I will give you facts. What have you ever done since you married this man beside being Mrs. Grey and working your ass off trying to run this Grey publish house? What have you done for you? When was the last time you did something with your friends?" I don't want to listen and I don't want to let those thoughts into my brain.

"No, you look at me, Caroline! Two months ago I was a simple initiator, now I am a married woman who runs a big ass company! I am trying, okay? Give me a fucking break!"

"You are asking me to give you a break?" she rouses from her chair violently. "You are the one who isn't giving herself a break! Look at you, how many years have you aged since your par…." Her hand flies to cover her mouth as she snaps it shut.

"Since my parents died. You mean since my parents died" my tone is cold but I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes.

Don't cry! Don't fucking cry!

"Elena, I didn't mean…I am so so sorry" her voice is trembling and it looks like she is the one who is going to cry now. Fuck, don't. Please don't or I will join you.

"It is okay, Caroline" I give her a reassuring smile trying to control my voice.

"You know I am only worried about you, right?" she takes my hand and gives her a gentle squeak.

"I know" I nod and swallow pushing back the tears.

I arrive home late due to my little debate with Caroline, but Christian is still at work. I am usually home at 5:00 and he is never home before 9:00. I am not complaining, thou. Lately, I have been needing more time to myself. Spending time with Christian could be…draining.

I tell Mrs. Jones that I will take a nap while we will wait for Christian for dinner and head to the bedroom straight. I am showered and in my pajamas in 30 minutes and I find myself lying in my bed, eyes wide open staring at the ceiling.

I am afraid that if I close my eyes I will see him, Not that he hasn't been in my mind all day.

Try two fucking months!

All my life I had been a good girl. Yes, I have had my share of mistakes. But I never hurt anyone, I never cheated, I never hated on anyone. Until that night. I can blame it all I want on alcohol or stress or anything else but deep down I know. I know it was me, my decision. And what is worse it that I can find it in my heart to regret it. if anything, I am kinda of proud of it! it was a moment of freedom. Recklessness? Yes, but also sweet sweet freedom. It was like for the first time in my whole life, I am the one making the decision with no influence, no consideration for the following consequences. I was a mistress of my own destiny and I fucking loved it!

Well, you kinda of erased it all with this little thing called 'not calling the wedding off'!

It doesn't matter now. What matters is that I can't let this go on. I will meet him tomorrow and I will tell him the truth. I will tell him that what we did was a mistake. A decision built on a moment of doubt and confusion. I will tell him that we will not be seeing each other anymore. Then everything will be fine and things will go back to normal.

Then why do I feel this tightness in my chest every time I call it a mistake?

Why every time I think about not seeing him again, I feel a hole inside me?

Why every time I close my eyes, I see ocean blue ones staring at me?

And why is his name nagging the back of my head even since I heard it, my tongue aching to say it and ears desperate to hear it?

"Damon" is a light whisper in my lips before I am pulled into restless sleep, fearing, yet wishing that my dream will be haunted with the same blue eyes.

No Damon today! You know why? Because I can't!

Don't worry. He will be back in next chapter. I miss him already

Again, sorry for being late. And BIG FAT thanks for the lovely review 3 you guys warm my heart! Hugs and kisses!

Question: Would you like the next DEX to be in DPOV or EPOV? I will tell you something, Damon is itching to talk about Elena's tits if you will guys let him he will goooo oraaah!

See ya soon, folks ;)