Saturday, 6th of July

Day 54

Maybe it was all in my head and I wasn't as sane as I thought I was. Maybe I wasn't as discrete and inconspicuous as I would have liked to. Even maybe was I having one of these long, overly realistic dreams, those who disturb you even after you've woken up. It's no big deal - people do that all the time. But somehow, it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, a taste you never thought would exist.

Levi didn't call me back. At first, I thought he might have forgotten. But then, I started to realize there might be something else. And because things had to be less easier, of course, I allowed, this fact only, to fuck me up.

"You're boring, Jaeger." I looked up to Jean, still sprawled in his chair, as usual. Today we weren't going out, and strangely enough, I didn't like the idea of being stuck here. It wasn't even about this asshole in front of me, playing with a paper plane as he put his feet on his own desk. It wasn't about the dangerous heat we coudn't escape, or the loud conversation three guys were having near the front door. I really wished it would be this, all of it, every fucking annoying detail. But it wasn't. "You hear me?"

"Leave it, Jean," I simply sighed, before putting my head into my hands and sighing even louder, and deeper, and whatever seemed to help - but didn't.

He shook his head in exasperation and kept throwing his stupid paper plane in the air. Shouldn't he be working ? Or was I the one supposed to work ? It was too hot to work anyway. But fate never left a time frame. Future waits for no one.

"Why hasn't he called ?" Jean frowned, looked at me and frowned even deeper.

"What the fuck are you talking about ?"

"Ackerman, Jean, I'm fucking talking about Ackerman." Then I straightened up and my chair creaked under my weight. He didn't say anything at last, but then he slowly removed his feet from his desk and I assumed he was thinking about it, too. Not that he would admit he would waste time for this. "Why hasn't he called me yet ?" I repeated.

"Dunno," Jean growled, and he reached out for a file on the right of his desk.

I watched, like a bored cat in a lazy afternoon. I didn't have anything better to do anyway. Or, more exactly, I did have better things to do - but I wasn't ready to leave my frustration aside and get into my work yet. Actually, I wasn't sure I would be able to finish this today. At this pace, I would probably have to stay here a good part of the night.

My eyes wandered to the phone put on my desk, just like every other. I stared at it, somehow hoping it would ring if I insisted, but not a second did it come alive. Everything was dead - silence all around, almost everyone, Jean wasn't talking and if waiting wasn't going to kill me, the heat would. Eventually.

"I don't think they would recommend intense thinking to people like you," Jean boringly said to me, but unfortunately, it didn't annoy me as much as I had hoped it to. Not even a little bit. "Your brain could explode or something."

Then he started playing with his paper plane again and not once did he catch my gaze. Well, not that he did care.

"So, what are your plans, Eren," he started again. "Staying like this and doing nothing until they finally, after all these boring years, decide to fire you? Not that it wouldn't please me, don't misunderstand it, but -" He stopped, though. Because I wasn't looking. Because I simply wasn't listening.

I only lifted my eyes to him when he sat on the edge of my desk, looking deeply irritated. I was the only one always here for him, and the weirdest of the weird ways. We were friends but silently, we were ennemies but not quite. Most of time, we just couldn't connect with each other - but never did we missed a chance to be here. To be annoying, heavy, to disturb, to keep the other from being sad because he was just too busy being riled. That's when I realized how much of a friend Jean was. Not a normal, healthy one - but still.

I recalled all these minutes wasted wondering what Jean must have felt like. What was he going through, and why. How did he managed to stay sane and careless. Probably had I been the same before all of this started - but I soon realized, too, that Jean was something I could relate to, more than I thought.

Jean was lonely. All the time. He had friends, plenty of friends - well, friends in here, in the Office, because we didn't have the privilege to see further anymore. But he was missing something important, something so important he never, ever, mentioned it. Marco.

You would say it wasn't the same. Probably wasn't after all. But we had common points in this. He was able to understand, because he was craving what I had had. A connection, an interaction, a forbidden step into a human's life. His eyes were saying it all - he only wished he could say the same thing about Marco, and sadly, it probably would never happen.

There's no point in hoping when you're dead. There will be no going back whatever you do, say or think - it doesn't change, not in a the least, the fact that your heart stopped beating and that you're no longer alive. You might see, hear and feel as much, if not more than before, but things are different. Family, friends, love - all those things you'll never, never have.

Stop fucking wasting your time thinking about it.

"I really prefer you when you're annoying as hell," he said as he crossed his arms on his chest. I didn't even bothered answering. "But let me tell you. If this guy didn't call you yet, then, either, a) you're an idiot for giving him your number, or b) you're an idiot for hoping since you did so."

"I did not hope," I corrected, bitter, because I truly wasn't. I was just weirdly disappointed. Maybe it was just the boredom floating in the air and invading my body.

"Oh, sure," he sarcastically nodded, and there was no point in trying to insist. "But still - you're an idiot, Eren."

I blocked another sigh right before it could pass the limits of my lips, and I dared to look Jean in the eyes, curious of what I would find there. And, well, there was only a distant, gray kind of sadness deep down, too light to be obvious, but too present to be ignored.

"I know how you're feeling, okay? I know it feels good, I know you have the impression that everything could happen right now, but it's not true. You're fucking dead."

I knew he was only here to help me. In his own way. But just the same, in my own way, his words hurt me. Not him, though - his words : the strange, bitter realization that maybe I was still a kid hoping for a better tomorrow, when really, I was either condamned to a boring eternity or a total, never-ending blackout. There was no middle ground.

"I don't know who this guy is. No matter how many times I read his files, it won't change a damn thing. And I really don't know what you like in him, I mean - he could be one of us. He's do freaking sad and ghostly. They wouldn't even see him. But, yeah. Get over it. It's the best thing you can do."

Then he didn't wait for any kind of response, and simply slid off the desk to get to his own. I decided it was time for a short journey to the men's restroom, because I needed to look myself in the mirror and see what I would find in it. I needed a plain silence, I needed to get my shit together because this kind of bitterness can easily eat you up, especially when you're already dead and two centimeters away from the definitive black hole.

"That's why I like him." Jean turned away, I was already standing up and a few steps away. He looked over his shoulder and his annoyed frown changed into something quite troubled.

"What?" he said, because maybe he hadn't really heard what I had said.

"Ackerman - that's why I like him. You said he looked sad and ghostly. He can understand."

He returned a disapproving gaze and I easily read what he meant in it without even needing words. Hell no, Jaeger, he can't. And then, his favourite words ever. You're fucking dead. Yes, maybe I was, but somehow, he was, too.

So I just turned around and looked at the floor until I reached the restroom. The voices faded away but I could still somehow feel Jean's worried gaze following me, burning my back, each part of my skin where it had been.

Monday, 8th of July

Day 56

I listened to Jean, eventually. I died a kid and I was still was one. You would think there is a way to gain maturity when you're learning to be dead, but really, there isn't. You just stay the asshole you were, or the naive kid you had been. There is so sudden remedy to your sins, no cure to your fucked up personnality.

You're not here to improve yourself or learn about yourself. You're here because you chose to, because you prefered this hell of a life compared to what would have welcomed you otherwise.

And Jean was painfully right.

So I got over it. It wasn't much in the end, just a light feeling because, once in a while, you can eventually find something intense enough to make you feel alive. But then, it fades away, or it disappears completely, just like that, no fucking warning. As fast as it appears.

That's how it went for me. When I got back from the restroom, Jean wasn't there anymore, and he came back ten minutes after that with two takeout coffees from Maria's. And after that, we didn't talk about it anymore.

I didn't talked about it with Armin or Mikasa either. It was one single rule : do not think about it anymore. Do not. And I really managed to forget about it, because, Ackerman's files never came on my desk again, and I never searched for him in the subway station. Well, until this evening, at least.

There wasn't anyone left, only a girl fighting to stay awake near the 104th's employee's small kitchen. She wasn't saying anything, she was just sort of there, her hands boringly wandering over her keyboard, and from there, I couldn't even hear the sound of it.

The lights were almost all off. It was quite dark but, somehow, it was comfortable. I could have fallen asleep, maybe, if the phone hadn't rang.

"Jaeger, I'm listening," I said as usual. The call could only come from a level in the Office, or an employee somewhere. Prank calls and wrong numbers never happened.

Then, there was a pause on the other line. Sort of an hesitation. I held back a tired, annoyed sigh and put down the pen I had in my right hand, before shifting in my seat. I started to wonder if the person would ever answer, and, eventually, she did.

"It's, hm, hi, it's me."

My expression turned into something strange, lost between horror, guenine surprise, and a light panic.

"Oh, hi," I said as I shifted one more time, but this time, I couldn't be more awake. More alive. More heedful - or whatever.

He hesitated one more time.

"I was just wondering if - you know, I still have your umbrella," he changed his mind in the middle of what he was saying.

He seemed as uncomfortable as I was, but weirdly enough, I didn't care. The girl near the kitchen was looking at me with sleepy eyes, probably wondering how I could be such a vigorous mess at such a late hour. What time was it, by the way? Something like midnight. But for us, it meant the end of a long, long day.

I didn't have time to answer, though, because he suddenly kind of panicked.

"Shit, I'm sorry, it's late, I shouldn't have called-"

"No, no!" I hurried, because damn, I didn't want him to hang up. I didn't want him to think he was making a mistake. Though he really was doing one. "No, it's fine, it's fine. I wasn't busy anyway."

I looked at the papers in front of me and cringed. I was, I really was, but I wasn't quite motivated anyway, so, it wouldn't make a difference if I would allow myself a few minutes of peace. Right? Right.

"Okay," he said quietly, and I patiently waited for what he would say next.

But he didn't say anything. Not a word. He hadn't struck me as the talkative type, but still, he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts or really, really trying to find something to say.

"Hm."

A silence. I leaned a bit forward, the ghost of my heart silently beating in my chest.

"Are you..." No, he stopped again. It wasn't what he wanted to say. "I was wondering if," he tried again, just like the beginning. "Actually, I-" Alright, wasn't that either.

"Are you asking me out?" I boldly asked, because out of nowhere, I was feeling insanely brave and somehow, it made me smile to imagine his frustrated face, safely hidden from me.

"What? No!" he defended himself with a prideful, harsh tone. But I was still smiling. "Just, I don't know, a coffee or something." He sighed. "Whatever."

"I'd be glad."

"What?" he quickly said, as if to make sure he heard what he thought he had heard.

"Coffee is fine with me." I sat back in my chair, and looked at the ceiling as I put my feet on my desk, imitating Jean and finding a twisted satisfaction in doing so. "

A few seconds seemed to make a huge difference in what would follow. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, one of those where you just cringe and bite your lip and wait for something to distract you from the embarrassing thing you are living in this exact moment. I was, surprisingly enough, enjoying every bit of this conversation, even if it was only made of pure, clean silence.

Dead bodies don't have phone conversations very often after all. Might as well enjoy it.

"Okay."

I waited a second, too busy smiling to do anything else other than that.

"Okay?" I asked, unsure of what he had just said. Well, of course I had heard that - I just refused to believe it. It was too unreal.

"Okay," he repeated, somehow a little more determined than before. "Then, I'll met you at Shiganshina Café tomorrow at nine?"

A pause, short and made on purpose.

"I'll bring your umbrella."

"Alright," I agreed, and fuck, my goddamn smile could have split my face in two. But I didn't care, I really didn't.

"Alright," he repeated again, and we seemed like two awkward teenagers trying to date. Were we? Was it a date? Fuck if I know. This is one destiny's secrets.

He hesitated, and then, hang up.

The girl at the back was slowly shaking her head, two seconds away from falling asleep, and I just shrugged because, I swear, none of it had happened. I wasn't dead - neither was my family. I wasn't dead and I wasn't just a meaningless soul working at the Office. I wasn't something vague and barely obvious, I wasn't invisible and ignored.

I was alive again.

And then - I realized. We were supposed to meet in a public place, a place where we were also supposed to share a coffee while probably sharing awkward stories of our awkward lives to fill the awkward silence. The only thing was, I just couldn't.

Jean's voice sang in my head an endless you're fucking dead, Jaeger.

Tuesday, 9th of July

Day 57

I knew I was doing something really, really wrong, but like every goddamn mistake I've made in my whole life, I couldn't help this one. I couldn't fuck up that much, though - that's why I decided to buy two takeout coffees at Maria's and wait for Ackerman in front of his building. It was too cold to stay in a t-shirt, this late in the evening, but it was definitely too hot to stay in my entire suit, and I allowed myself to abandon my black jacket at the Office.

Every fucking thing was wrong with this. I was breaking the rules once again, I hadn't told anything about this to anyone, and I was taking advantage of my perfect knowledge of Levi's files. At least, what I had been allowed to see. Yet I was standing in front of the place where he was living, not even wondering a second if it could seem strange.

"You?" I turned around and found him, closing the building's doors behind him in a distracted gesture. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Coffee," I just said as I raised the two warm cups I was holding in my hands. He frowned, looked at me, silently examined every detail. I felt embarrassed for a second, but then realized I might need a good excuse to show up here when he never, ever told me where to find him. "Did you forget?"

He hesitated, doubting.

"I didn't."

Of course he didn't, that's why he was outside in this exact moment. My question was useless and stupid. He, on the contrary, had good reasons to ask me something. But, to be honest, I didn't know what to say. I had absolutely no lie in stock. Ghosts don't need to lie after all, do they?

"I wanted to show you something," I hurried, because the last thing I wanted was Levi panicking about my oh-so perfect knowledge of his life. Maybe he would take me for the stalker I probably was. "I know a place where we can go instead."

But, surprisingly enough, he didn't protest. He didn't say anything. He just nodded, whispered a uncertain okay and then slid his hands in his jacket's pockets. I watched as he carefully approached, like I was some sort of wild animal, dangerous and not trustworthy in the least. He wasn't completely wrong. But still, he stopped in front of me, so close that I could see clearly the colour of his eyes, and this time, they weren't wet.

Jean was right about him. He was sad and dead inside, and maybe it would take a dead kid to bring him back to life. That's what I was quietly, naively hoping, at least.

Eventually, Levi took the coffee I was offering him, and wrapped his fingers around it. I quickly looked away, because my hand had brushed his, and shit, I craved human touch more than I wanted to admit it. Mikasa, Armin - it wasn't the same thing. Neither had been Jean's sweet, sweet fists when we fought, countless times. It was something precious and rare, and I wasn't used to it. I wasn't even prepared.

Levi probably saw it, but he didn't say anything, and I thanked him for that. Levi was pretty much the opposite of everything that was human. He didn't say much. Or he didn't say anything at all. He was catching every detail, carefully taking in every single thing, drinking every word - yet he was slow, in control, he was watching it all from the outside. But above it all, I couldn't help wondering what it would feel like, to place my hand over his chest and feel every bit of his body alive under my touch, heart gently beating, whispering me secrets of the living world.

I led the road and he walked next to me, calm and peaceful, looking everywhere around us. The streets were empty, pretty much every one was already inside, eating, procrastinating, doing nothing better than wasting their time. And I was there, dead but not quite, trying to convince myself I could still have a chance.

A chance for what? I glanced at Levi and, just like that, I blushed. What a stupid, naive kid I was.

He did see that, too. But again, he stayed silent.

By the time we reached the place I wanted to show him, it was already fully dark, and we had finished our coffees. I knew he owed me absolutely nothing, and he could go now. It wasn't like we were on a date or paying some debt. But, patient, he didn't seem about to disappear. So, without thinking, I took his hand, clumsily clasping at his fingers, while I ran to the outside stairs, making sure not to miss any step. If it was planned, I had no idea.

Tonight, I had no files. No control over what would happen. I wasn't here to check on his destiny, I was here because I had selfishly decided to be part of it, even for a night, for an hour, whatever.

"What are you doing!" he cried out, barely resisting.

I kept running in the stairs, breathless but not caring in the least, and the warm touch of his hand was like a constant source of energy.

"Be patient!" I shouted from before, as I pulled him a little closer so that I wouldn't lose my grip.

He accidentally threw his empty coffee behind him, and I smiled to myself as I led him to the last steps. And just like that, we stopped. He almost bumped into me but stilled in extremis, and he looked all around, mesmerized.

"Nice, isn't it?" I smiled, and blushing again when I realized I was still holding his hand, I released his. "I used to come here when I was a kid."

"Don't you dare tell me you were allowed to go here," he mumbled, monotone, but not quite.

"I wasn't," I sang, and I looked at him with pure joy.

It was the first time I had been here since a long, long time. The last time I had climbed these stairs, my heart was still beating, warm in my chest. He looked at me, then, and our eyes locked in silence. I don't know shit about how dead bodies work, or at least, mine - but I swear to god I couldn't breathe.

I turned away again and moved forward, because we were still on the edge of the building and I wasn't going to make sure a fall like that wouldn't kill me. Ackerman followed me without a word, and when I sat down on the floor, he sat down next to me.

I put down the coffee I was still holding in one of my hands, and took a deep breath as I looked above us. The stars. The fucking stars. They were always there, every night, and lots of them probably were already dead, but we would know it only years and years and years from now. Somehow, I was like them. Dead, yet I was still here.

"It's pleasant," Levi finally said, and he looked like he was meaning it.

"It is," I confirmed uselessly, before lying down completely, a hand on my stomach, and the other somewhere on the floor.

I watched as the stars shone in the sky. Humble, shy. And a few seconds later, Levi was lying down next to me. His hand only was a few centimeters away from mine. I could feel a dangerous, yet delicious heat burn my skin everywhere.

"I'm Eren," I whispered in the night.

He turned his head on my direction, his hair surprisingly messy. And without any warning, he smiled. Just a little bit, slightly, but enough for me to smile back because, I knew this guy probably never smiled to anyone. I wondered how I was altering his present right now. If I was making it better just for a day.

"I'm Levi."

It was something weird, you know. Getting to know each other, when really, it was a pure lie. I already knew enough about him, probably more than he would even allow me to discover tonight. And he knew my identity already - it was on the card I had given him. Those were pure, perfect lies.

Yet, I felt weirdly honest.

"I never took the time to look at the sky. This is one of those things you end up forgetting when you grow up."

Levi stopped and I patiently waited for him to continue. The soft wind caressed my neck and I closed my eyes when I felt his arm against mine, mentally praising myself for having lifted my sleeves to my elbows earlier. His skin against mine, everything seemed meaningless.

"It's such a waste. You spend your whole life trying to get your shit together and sometimes, it only takes a look at the sky to realize it doesn't matter."

Thoughtfully, I let my mind wander around and somehow, I searched for his skin in the dark. When my fingertips found something warm and soft, I allowed myself to let them float above it all. And Levi didn't moved back.

Actually, he quietly did the same. And I let him.

"I don't know you," he pointed out, out of nowhere. I was sure he would move away his arm, but he didn't.

"Yeah. I still don't know myself either," I answered, the ghost of a smile hovering my lips.

That's when he laughed. Quietly, barely loud enough to be heard. It was deep, sincere, lively - vibrating. I lost myself in the sound and the stars never looked so beautiful.

After that, each day came with a realization.

Sunday, 14th of July

Day 62

Maybe I actually liked the way he smiles.

Wednesday, 17th of July

Day 65

I took him to the beach, with Armin's old car, which he didn't need anymore. We ran in the san, barefoot and reckless. We ran in the cold water. We ran and ran and never stopped running.

And we were like kids again.

Careless.

Alive.

Friday, 19th

Day 67

I walked him home.

The subway station was empty, and we sat on the bench Jean and I usually sat. He put his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes.

Then we walked to his building and right before closing the door, he kissed my forehead, perched on the small stairs.

Tuesday, 23rd of July

Day 71

"That sucks," Mikasa growled as she poured coffee into her mug.

I watched as she did so. I had nothing better than that to do after all.

"But don't tell me I didn't warned you, Eren."

I didn't say a word. I wasn't about to fight with Mikasa over something like that, I wasn't about to fight at all. I knew perfectly how right she was, I was just stuck in my own lie and dangerous whirlwind. Be careful where you put your feet, watch your steps, they might just be the last.

"You know, you'll have to tell him. One of these days."

"I know."

Some words just hurt. Some words actually hurt your fucking throat when you dare to say them.

She sat down in front of me, and the cup in her hands, looked at me with pure affection. Suddenly, I felt guilty. Because I was so selfish, everytime, everyday. I wasn't the only one going through this hell. I wasn't the only one who had died. She was dead as well. She was dead and I hadn't even acknowledged it. How hurt she might be, too.

"Are you okay?"

She frowned, then laughed to herself.

"What are tou talking ab-"

"Are you okay?" I insisted, louder.

She stilled and the world stilled with her. Mikasa looked at me, and I only saw now how tired she seemed. How gueninely dead she looked. It wasn't her skin, or her lips, or her smell - everything was just fine. But her eyes. Her eyes were lit off. They were drowning into mine and I could see how much they wanted to rest.

"Thank you," she finally whispered, and as she offered me a hand over the table, I took it and gently squeezed it.

Wednesday, 8th of August

Day 86

Maybe I actually liked the way he laughs.

Saturday, 11th of August

Day 89

Jealousy.

Something you aren't supposed to feel when your heart stops beating. Something you aren't expected to feel again, not for something alive, not for something you can't touch, you can't own, something so out of reach that you just wished you did things differently.

This day, I saw him again - with a girl.

At first, I just watched, because watching was my job and it was an habit of mine. I watched them as it got dark, as they walked in the crowded streets, as I followed them shamelessly, yet with a brutal pain in the stomach. Her name was Petra, she was twenty-six, and working as a nurse. She was nice, she really was. The problem was - it wasn't fair, not one bit.

This day, not only did I saw with a girl, but I understood how distant were our two worlds, and how out of reach his actually was.

I came to my own conclusions. One of these: I had to tell him.

That's why I ran to his door, not hesitating in the least when it came to the floor number, not hesitating when I had to choose his door, not hesitating when I smashed my bare hands on the wood of his front door, heart crying instead of my eyes.

Things were complicated. Because they weren't made to include something like that. Nobody predicted something like that would happen. Nobody even thought someone could be this much of an idiot to even try to alter the rules. The fucking rules cannot be altered.

They cannot.

Just as much as the future cannot be changed.

Everything is written. Your birth. Your parents' divorce. Your (horrible) first kiss. Each freaking acne pimple on your fucking face. Your dad's first and second car accident. How close to death he'll be in the last one. The day your cat will disappear without warning. Your first time cheating in class, and the way you shamefully got caught. The look your mother gave you when you told her you liked boys, or girls, when you legitimately wasn't supposed to. How bad you felt when your friends told you how selfish you were for the first time. The emptiness left with your mother's death, in the third car accident which actually didn't include your father. How you will get fired from your job. Again. And again. And again.

You see, destiny has a sense of humor. A really twisted, dark one.

That's exactly why I was smashing my fists against Levi's door, eager to tell him the truth, eager to shout him how unfair it actually was, how bad I felt when I had seen him with Petra - because, yes, I was following him - and that only because I knew I wasn't going to be the one he would end up with.

I knew this. I just wasn't ready to accept it.

Regardless my dark motives, Levi deserved to know. I cried his name as my knuckles went pale, and no matter how much it hurt, I kept slamming them against the wood.

I was the speaker of his silence. A dark guardian angel. Not the best one. But - still.

"Eren?" he whispered when he finally opened the door, and his face went pale when he knew something was wrong. Something definitely was wrong.

"I've got something to tell you," I mumbled, because I knew I was about to cry, and I felt so damn pathetic for that.

"Right now? I-"

"Levi, I can't wait."

I couldn't for obvious reasons. It was only a matter of time before they would do everything they could to keep me from seeing him. At least, interfering with his future. And at any moment, Levi could die, too. He could die and maybe I would never see him again, and how ironic was it to know he was closer to me alive than dead.

But the gap between our worlds couldn't be ignored, and I knew he would hate me for doing that. Yet, he would have hated me so much more if I kept the secret. I couldn't be selfish anymore.

"Okay," he said, and the hand he had on the doorknob somehow fell to his sides.

"Look, you will probably think I'm crazy, but you have to believe me. You really do."

He frowned even deeper, but I was losing control.

"I'm a fucking piece of trash, Levi, and you can hate me. You really do."

"What the hell are you talking about?" he growled, and I knew it was the beginning of the end. Like the slow realization that everything could be brought to pieces, that everything was nothing more than a temporary state, vulnerable and more complicated than it would seem at first sight.

"I hate me, I really, really hate me," I breathed out, and tears started to escape my eyes. "I'm not crazy, I swear, but -"

"Eren, cut the shit, would you," he said, irritated.

I was panicking and he had no goddamn idea why.

I was dying again, a little more, each second.

So I looked into his eyes and I fell apart.

"I'm dead."

He sighed loudly.

"Eren, stop this bullshit alread-"

"I'm fucking dead!" I repeated, and tears started to get out of control, because I felt like Jean was behind me, whispering in my ear the ugly truth I would have done anything not to accept. "I died in a goddamn accident. Three, four, five, six years ago, fuck if I know."

My throat hurt and my eyes burned, but I refused to close them. I needed to see him. I needed to enjoy the light in his eyes while it was still there, believing.

Believing that I might be just dumb, or joking. Or both.

"You are drunk," he spat angrily, and his hand found the doorknob again, because damn, he needed to grab something.

"I am not."

"Eren?" he asked, and his voice sounded so vulnerable I died a little.

"And I am so, so, so fucking sorry."

I smashed a hand over my mouth and muffled the harsh breaths I was trying not to take. But he was looking at me like I was mad, and maybe I was. Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I never really died and invented all of this on my own. But there was still a chance of reality in this, and I didn't really know which situation would be worst. I didn't know anymore.

"Eren, go home," he said, and he closed the door.

Yeah. I really liked Levi. And I was going down with this.

Monday, 13rd of August

Day 91

Maybe I gueninely wanted to lose myself into this.

Maybe I didn't want to fight it. Not even a little bit.

Tuesday, 14th of August

Day 92

Not even a little bit.

Thursday, 16th of August

Day 94

"I put it on his doorstep."

I looked up only to find Jean staring back at me with big, serious eyes. He adjusted his tie and just stayed there, behind my desk.

"What?" I asked, asbentminded, because I couldn't bring myself to care about anything anymore.

I was just dead again.

"You know this article Armin cut in the newspapers? The one about your, to quote, "tragical death"? Well, he's got it all now. I also have him one his files. Just to be sure. It probably isn't allowed but, this is already fucked up, right?"

There it was. This little, tiny flame of anger, the one I thought I'd never see again. I got up so fast Jean actually jumped, and I grabbed the collar of his white shirt before he could back away. He just put both of his hands on mine, trying as hard as he could to make me lose my grip.

Technically, Jean was stronger than me. In any way. I was better when it came to fight, but in term of muscles and such, I was far behind.

But not today.

"You did what?"

Connie flew off his chair and rushed to us, panicking. But Jean knew exactly what I was able to do or not - he knew me better than I wanted to admit it. He was perfectly aware of the fact that I didn't have the heart to fight. Not now, not anymore.

Not for that.

"He needs to fucking understand Eren, this bullshit is real!"

"Hey, hey, guys!" screamed Connie as he tried to seperate us, but I wasn't about to let it happen, and Connie didn't stand a chance.

"You had no right to do that, Jean!" I cried out, and I was about to break.

Some people arrived to help him and I spot Mikasa near the front doors, looking at me with sad eyes. They seemed off. My lips moved by themselves and I found myself fighting back the tears I didn't know I still had. Then Mikasa sadly smiled and shook her head.

So I released him.

Jean immediately adjusted his collar, and I looked at the floor because I was going crazy - just as crazy as Levi wrongly thought I was.

Friday, 17th of August

Day 95

I waited for him this day.

And when he saw me, I felt like something was dying inside me, for the thousandth time. But he didn't walk away. He didn't turn away. He didn't look away.

He came to me, and I hated myself even more.

When he finally stopped, a meter away from me, the last sunlights of the day lightened his face. He was beautiful.

"So, it's true, right."

I looked down.

"It is."

He nodded.

He laughed, a little bit, just slightly. But didn't mean it.

And then nodded again, but this time, he didn't look me in the eyes. Because he was crying. He kept nodding, hysterical, and sniffled before backing away. He took a deep breath, and before I could see any tear streaming down his face, he turned away and this time, as I watched him go, I let go.

Sunday, 19th of August

Day 97

"Eren," Bertl called me out when he entered the room.

I looked up from my screen and frowned.

"Pixis wants to see you. It looked... pretty urgent."

He shyly smiled and looked deeply embarrassed. I ignored Jean's curious gaze as I got up from my seat, walked to him and gently pat his shoulder.

"Thanks, Bertl."

He nodded and went back to his own desk, and I caught Jean straightening up in his chair when I got out of the room. Knots in my stomach made it unpleasant, but after three or four minutes, I was there, in front of Pixis' door. I knocked, gently first, then a little harder.

I heard his voice and assumed it was my cue; so I pushed the door and entered his office. There was nothing different from the last time I had been here. And he didn't seem furious either.

"Sit down, Eren."

I obeyed and patiently waited. My hands were sweating.

Because I knew what it was all about.

"I'm sure you are a clever person, Eren. You probably already know why I called you here."

"Yes, Sir."

I looked away. Closed my eyes for a second. Levi's smile popped up under my eyelids and I quickly opened them again.

"You really are wild, aren't you? You do your job just right. But somehow, you don't seem to be able to hold back your feelings. Do you know why we only hire people with no strings attached? Nothing left but themselves?"

"No, Sir," I said as I looked at him.

"Because feelings make oneself vulnerable and weak. It leads to things such as jealousy, anger, deep, deep sadness... Something like that isn't always easy to deal with, and some poeple just can't manage to control it. Once you let it take control over you, it's over."

He made a pause, sighed and leaned forward, fingers laced together on his desk.

"I know it's tempting. It always will be, and I'm not saying it'll get easier one day. Because I would be lying. But our worlds are separate for a reason, Eren. Fitting in the crowd, walking in the street, waking up every morning doesn't mean things can go normal again."

I was aware of that. I really was.

It hurt.

"We won't fire you, you know. But. It has to stop."

I looked down, and seeing I wasn't going to answer, he raised his voice just enough to make it look serious enough.

"Eren. You can't keep interfering with this person's future. Some things are bound to happen - others aren't. But you can't keep doing this. It's unfair - for both of you."

I knew it wouldn't lead nowhere.

I was just slowly understanding the fact that I had less time than I thought.

"Starting from tomorrow, everything will be back to normal. Am I clear?"

"Yes, Sir."

And I knew as I pronounced those words that I was doing the biggest mistake in my life. Though the actual biggest mistake of my life might have been to let myself think such a thing, friendship, whatever, would be possible.

"I'm going to wait, you know."

"Wait for what?" I laughed humorlessly.

"I don't know. I'll just wait."

I sighed and looked away. You can't wait for something dead to come alive. There wasn't anything on this Earth able to bring me back to life. It was definitive. That's all.

"Petra's a nice girl," I said.

"I know."

"She likes you."

"I know," he repeated.

We were lying on his bed, looking at the ceiling in the same way we had been looking at the stars the other day. There wasn't much to see this time, and the sunlight was shy but present enough to erase any kind of darkness all around us. But I felt peaceful, in some twisted kinda way. Levi was at my sides and once again, I was committing a crime. But it could be the last time, and I wanted to enjoy every second of it.

Silently, his hand found mine and I welcomed his fingers almost instantly. And we stayed like this ten, fifteen, maybe even twenty minutes. I don't know. When he finally straightened up, his hand still locked with me, the room was a little darker.

"Can I ask you one thing?"

Ha. I prepared myself for any thing of question. About me, my past, how I died, maybe. Really, anything. I closed my eyes for a second and then opened them again. Ready.

"Yeah."

"You sure?" He was frowning.

"Yeah," I repeated, voice low and calm, yet more nervous than I should have been.

He hesitated once more, but this time, he was looking at me straight in the eyes. Fuck it.

"Can I - Can I kiss you, Eren?"

I straightened up a bit, on my elbows. Man, I wasn't prepared for this. Never in my life had I kissed someone, and though it might be pathetic, it was the truth. Told ya I died as a kid. A fucking kid.

"Levi, I don't think -"

"Just once."

We both stilled. Both refusing to let go of our hands.

"Please."

I looked at him and something in me crushed a little. It was purely heartbreaking. Maybe dead hearts could bleed. Could they? I felt a guenine, overwhelming pain in my chest and yes, I was almost sure they freaking could.

My head crashed on the pillows again, and slowly, very slowly, he moved closer. He placed his hands on both of my sides, one still captive of mine, and as I watched him from below, I lost myself into his gaze. Deep, sincere. As sad as the first time we had met but, somehow, not as dead as they used to be.

They lit up just a second before his lowered himself over me, and gently searched for my lips. At first, I couldn't help but look at him, disturbed by how unfair it was and how cruel destiny could be - disturbed by the fact that I only received my first kiss once dead. Maybe it was a shitty karma thing, maybe in a previous life, I had killed a man or maybe two. But no crime deserved this pain in punishment.

I finally let go of it, and I embraced everything that I could. Emotions, feelings, sensations - the warmth of his body above mine, of his soft yet pure lips on mine, his hand in mine. I embraced our memories together and maybe, just maybe those to come. I embraced his smile and the perfect sound of his laughter, rare and beautiful. Lovely. I embraced the fact that maybe, it wasn't a life for me, and the fact that in such a case, I would be forced to accept it.

I accepted it.

Still, it wasn't fair. I moved my free hand to his cheek and our lips moved together. Then, just as slowly as he had first touched them, we parted.

"Thank you," he quietly said.

I didn't say anything, and he just grabbed my hand to put it on his chest, exactly where his was beating. Quite fast. And only for me.

Monday, 20th of August

Day 98

After this, I kept watching over him. Every day. I would check his files, check everything, make sure his future was bright enough, and fuck if he was forced to step on a dog's crap or to miss the sidewalk. I didn't care - as long as he was fine. I was watching him from there, from far away, too far away but hey, it wasn't my choice.

This day, Jean came with me to the same station we went to some days, weeks ago, whatever. And, he was there. We were sitting on the same bench as the first time, and he was at the exact same place too. It felt like nothing had changed.

It wasn't true, though.

He looked at me the same way I looked at him. Fond, with tenderness, a bit of sadness and maybe a bit of anger, too. But he didn't say anything, and just as we shared a silent, understanding smile, I knew it wouldn't be the last time.

I couldn't knock down the boundaries. But I could still embrace this feeling keeping me alive, whatever it was. Jean looked at me and I looked at Levi - and when his hand found Petra's, at his sides, I closed my eyes.

Tuesday, 21st of August

Day 99

Maybe I'm not totally dead after all. Can ghosts fall in love?

I would be an idiot to tell you they can't.

Because, they fucking can.

I did.