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Chapter Six:
Kylo froze
The garbage picker... was here?
Shock painted across her face from being found out.
She had just witnessed everything that had unfurled: him acting like a spurned child, crying and pleading at his mother. Becoming lost in the personal atmosphere, he'd been completely oblivious to her presence, watching as if she had the right to.
Disbelief quickly made way to humiliation, which Kylo masked with indignation.
"Get. Out." he commanded, snarling, balling his fists.
The scavenger didn't move.
What the hell is she waiting for?
Under the pressure of what little control he had left, his fury threatened to explode, wanting to spare no one in its path.
"I-"
"GET OUT!" Kylo doubled over from the force of the scream, his arms bending at his sides. The girl jumped in fright, darting down the long hallway leading to his room. His black boots pounded against the floor as he sprinted after her. He rounded the corner too quickly, the sound of his body hitting the wall booming throughout the silent house. The girl sprang through the dark doorway at the end of the hall, disappearing, him close behind–
His stomach contracted, arms shooting out at nothing as his body went into a free fall.
The light blinded him instantly, the warmth of the air enveloping his sense of feeling. The descent only lasted a few moments, the right side of his body taking the full brunt of the impact, knocking the breath from his lungs. His limbs thrashed out to his sides as he rolled down a sandy hill, not able to interrupt the accelerated speed. Each time he tried to inhale, hot sand filled his mouth, attempting to suffocate him.
When he finally got control of his limbs he was able to slow the tumbling, coming to a stop at the bottom of the dune. Gagging on the sand, Kylo tried to breath normally again, getting on his hands and knees to allow the grit and spit to slide out of his mouth, sizzling on the ground. Even with his long sleeve shirt and pants covering most of his skin, he could feel sand in every crevice of his body, his palms burning from the heat of the desert floor.
He craned his head up and saw the scavenger sitting upright a few feet away from him. Again, they locked eyes, alarmed by the others presence. Kylo took in her appearance, noticing the disarray of her hair, the sand plastered to her tan skin and grey clothes. He sat back onto his heels, still breathing hard, looking at the desolation that surrounded them.
Rolling sandy hills went on for what seemed like miles, with nothing indicating that civilization was nearby.
He was alone with this girl.
The one who nearly killed him.
The one who had denied him.
The sun was already scorching any sliver of his exposed skin, salty sweat coating his upper lip and forehead. What I would give for some water, he thought as his tongue slid across his dry mouth.
His gaze fell back upon the girl. She still hadn't moved. The previous feelings of anger and embarrassment towards her had dissipated from the sudden change in environment.
He was about to ask her if she was hurt, but caught himself.
Why should I care for her well-being?
"Where are we?" he asked, his voice sounding rough.
She raised a brow, dramatically motioning to their surroundings. "A desert."
He gave her a flat stare. "Look who's being petty."
She rolled her eyes. "It's Jakku."
"Where on Jakku?" he snapped at her. She gave out an exaggerated sigh and started to stand. He sprang to his feet, not wanting to be looked down upon, needing to be in a more intimidating position. She rolled her eyes again and scanned the unforgiving terrain.
"You think I can just look at a sand dune and recognize where we are?" she asked, irritated. Ren bent his head forward, shaking the sand from his hair with his hands. Each movement reminded him just how much grit was underneath his clothes.
"You did grow up here." He could tell he was aggravating her, and he found himself enjoying it a little too much. He watched as she untied the rest of her hair, brushing her hands over her body to get the excess sand off. He noticed how lean and toned her arms and body were.
To survive out here, you would have to keep yourself strong.
She glanced at him from the corner of her eye. "Stop looking at me."
"And where should I avert my gaze?"
"Anywhere else, but at me."
His eyes scanned the dreary planet, the sun reflecting off the surface and bringing him to the brink of a headache. "You're much more interesting to look at than sand."
Her head snapped at him, not believing what had just come out of his mouth. And honestly, he couldn't believe it either. Driving his hand through his hair, he swallowed the little ounce of saliva he had left.
Why did I say that? Why am I acting like this? For some unknown reason, Kylo's self control was being dampened while in her presence. This isn't me. Not anymore, anyway. Ben Solo is gone.
Suddenly, Kylo heard the muffled sound of voices coming from the other side of one of the dunes.
The girl clawed her way over the unstable sand, going for the direction of the noise. He followed her, feet sinking and hands digging to find some sort of balance. He paused next to her at the top and stared out at the vast ravine, the ground littered with cracks and crevices from the dry climate. To the right he saw the outline of a woman, holding the hand of a young child. They were walking away from a ship and towards the direction of a large figure next to what seemed to be a speeder in the distance. He looked back at the ship, thinking he could make out the outline of a tall man.
"No," Rey whispered, horrified. Ren's attention went back to the young scavenger, her eyes taking in the scene as if it was something familiar.
She left him, sprinting down the hill and toward the woman and child, the pair getting closer to the larger figure.
Curious, Kylo followed behind her.
By the time they reached the strangers, Kylo was plastered with sweat and breathing heavily under his thick clothes. The sand chaffed along every inch of his skin, making it extremely uncomfortable to move. The temptation to take off his shirt was strong, but under the overwhelming sun, he knew his sallow skin would bake. He settled with rolling up his sleeves.
No one should ever live here.
He watched as the the woman and child arrived at the speeder, seeing the large humanoid awaiting them. The older woman's dark grey cloak and navy blue dress rippled in the hot breeze, her blonde hair up in a tight bun, eyes squinting against the harsh sun. She had a soft, round face that mirrored itself in the little girl she was holding onto. There was a familiarity to the young child, but Kylo couldn't place where he'd seen her before.
The scavenger started to breathe hard, not taking her eyes off of the mother and child.
"Stay here. I'll come back for you." The young mother stopped the frightened little girl and knelt down to the child's level. She took the girl's face into her hands, planting a kiss to her forehead. The girl started to cry, holding onto her mother's arms fiercely.
Kylo just stared at the unfolding scene, realization dawning as to what was happening. Is she leaving the girl with this disgusting creature? Repulsion seethed its way into his emotions, followed by anger.
She's leaving her daughter here.
He turned towards the scavenger and saw a steady stream of tears falling down her cheeks.
"What the hell is this?" Kylo growled, but she ignored him. He watched as the big, fat blob strolled up to the embracing duo, looking to be impatient. Kylo's heart rate accelerated to a dangerous level, hands shaking with adrenaline.
"I'll come back, sweetheart." Kylo's eyes grew wide and his jaw went slack. The woman looked pained by what she was doing, but she was doing it anyway. "I promise." The alien grabbed the girl away from her mother as she yelled out for her. The older woman looked at the creature, nodded, and turned to walk away, not even glancing back at the child she was abandoning.
"Come back! Come back!" The girl was dragged away as she reached out, but her mother was already walking back to the ship in the distance.
"Quiet, girl!" The big creature grabbed the child and threw her onto the cruiser as she screamed in the direction of the woman. Kylo stepped forward and stretched out his hand to the distraught girl, but stopped when he heard the scavenger finally speak.
"Mom," she whispered. Ren turned around and saw her staring in the direction the woman had went.
Mom?
The speeder engine roared to life as he looked back at the thrashing girl shrieking while the alien held her down. Her pleas became more and more distant as the speeder went off into the unknown.
Wait. Is that girl… His eyebrows shot up in understanding.
"No," he breathed out in astonishment. This is how she got on this hellhole? Her own mother left her here?
The feeling of abandonment ignited his brain, flashes of his own life swelling in his mind's eye. He remembered being abandoned by his own father when he was thirteen, never seeing him again until that fateful day on the bridge. His father never tried to contact him, never wanted anything to do with him once he started exhibiting his strength in the Force. Just like everyone else in his life, he thought his son was a freak. And his own mother never tried to make her husband a better father. She never tried to mend their broken relationship. She let Han abandon his only son.
He had lost all respect for his mother after that.
"Hey!" he yelled out, causing the scavenger jump, but he didn't have time to acknowledge her. He couldn't control himself as he ran towards the older woman. "You can't do this to her! You can't leave your child on this Force forsaken planet!" Closing the distance between them, he reached out to her, only to be blocked by an unseen energy. The mother kept walking, oblivious to his presence. Still, it didn't stop him from trying to grab her, his attempts at gaining her attention making him ram his fists at the force field that surrounded her.
Hands were suddenly on his arms, trying to hold him back.
"Stop it! What are you doing?" the scavenger cried out. He shoved the hands away, needing this woman to acknowledge him. "Don't you see what this all is? We're reliving past events. We can't change any of it, because it's already happened." She sprang in front of him, trying to shove at his chest to make him stop. "You're wasting your time."
He halted, glaring at the girl's flushed face.
"Wasting my time?" His features twisted as he took a step forward, getting closer to her. "Did you expect me to just stand there, watch that whole disturbing scene, and do nothing?" he asked her incredulously.
The confusion on her face was evident, but she held her ground with confidence.
"You think this whole thing is disturbing after everything you've done?" she argued back.
He never kept track of how many people he'd personally killed, never really saw the need. But the number had to be very high. All of it, though, was for the First Order or the Supreme Leader. It had all been necessary. This, on the other hand, had been excruciating to witness.
"And yes," she said on an exhale. "I expected you to do nothing."
"Well at least I tried to do something instead of crying and feeling sorry for myself. Is that what you've learned throughout your life? To be complacent and not take control of your own future?" With hands still unknowingly on his chest, she shoved at him. He felt her strength through the push, but he was twice her size and stronger.
He barely teetered back.
The sting of his words hit her hard, and he actually regretted saying them. He thought back to their vicious fight in the snow and knew she didn't let others dictate her choices. He respected her for that, at least.
He slicked back his damp hair, licking his salty lips. He knew he shouldn't care what had happened to this girl in the past, but he couldn't find the will power to stop himself.
Something about this place is making me act differently than I otherwise would.
He thought back to when he'd learned about dreams and how to interpret them when he was at Skywalker's Jedi Academy. In the realm of dreams, it was harder to regulate ones self-control, because your true inner self was more dominant in your subconscious – which was where dreams occurred. If that was indeed true, Kylo had a huge problem.
At that very moment, he could feel his old self begging to be set free. It made him seethe with worry.
"I shouldn't have said that," he finally admitted.
She blinked quickly as she gawked at him. Seconds passed before she started to relax, both staying an arms length apart. The roar of a ships engine caught their attention, the vessel soaring upward into the atmosphere, disappearing into the blackness of space. He didn't have to look at the girl to know what she felt:
Utterly defeated.
"Why are we here? Together? Reliving these events over again?" she asked, voice trembling with emotion. The fact that she would ask him for his opinion caught him off guard. He thought the girl was only capable of either insulting him, or inflicting some sort of violence.
He paused, trying to find an answer, but nothing came to mind.
"I don't know," he relinquished, placing his hands on his hips, rolling out the tension in his shoulders. "This dream feels real, though."
The sun agreed with him.
The girl walked passed him, stating that she was going to go find shade on the other side of the dunes. Ren contemplated whether to follow, or to go off on his own quest to find relief from the sun's rays. He knew what he should do, but found himself trailing behind her anyway.
They trekked in silence.
He looked at her as she walked atop the sand with more grace than he would ever have. He couldn't deny that everything about her fascinated him. Her life had been absolutely unfair and terrible, but she still had so much light in her. She had refused to let it be snuffed out by circumstance.
There was also the fact that he thought about her constantly and was uncontrollably drawn to her. This need to be near her was a riddle he didn't want to solve, but he knew he should.
Eventually.
It didn't take long for the girl to find a nice shaded spot. Kylo instantly felt the cool relief of the falling temperature. The scavenger proceeded to lay on her back, her arms and legs stretched out, her gaze concentrated on the beautiful blue sky. Ren felt out of place as he stood there awkwardly, looking at the tired young woman.
"If you lay down in the shaded sand, it helps cool off your skin," she offered him the advice. After a moment of glancing around, he settled on sitting in a close proximity to her relaxing body. He felt the coolness of the sand seep through his pants and cool off his legs, but he refused to lie completely down.
As he sat there, he stole glances of her, the silence choking him as he tried to find something to say, but couldn't.
She turned her head to look straight at him, her face unreadable. "Why haven't you tried killing me?"
"This is a dream. I can't actually hurt you here," he stated as his eyes started roaming over the dunes, catching sight of a bird flying in the distance.
"I thought you would've tried, regardless."
He actually did try when he pursued her after finding her snooping upon his memory... but he wasn't going to tell her that.
"I'm surprised you haven't tried to kill me by now," he shot back, peering at her from behind drying strands of hair. "After all, I'm nothing more than a monster. And yet, you lay there on the ground, open to an attack from a stranger."
That shocked her into silence. Slowly, she sat up and faced him, never taking her eyes off his form.
He almost smiled that he was able to smack some paranoia into her, but he fought back the urge.
Neither of them spoke for a long period of time. He didn't feel like conversing with the girl anymore. Instead, he felt content on waiting for himself to wake up from this bizarre illusion. As he watched the wind catch the sand from atop the dunes, a ping in his gut told him that he was being watched. He turned toward the only human being it could be and saw her observing him with a questioning stare.
"Do you know who I am?" she asked.
What kind of question is that, he thought as he squinted at her in confusion.
"You're a scavenger... from Jakku."
"That's not what I mean." Her eyes darted in all different directions while she tried to collect her thoughts. He wondered where this line of questioning was going. "On Starkiller Base, when I called the lightsaber to me, the way you looked at me… it was like you knew me. And then you said, it is you." Kylo could've sworn his heart just plummeted into his boots. Seeing how none of this was technically real, it very well could have. "Please," her feminine voice begged, eyes filled with desperation. "I need to know where I come from and who I am."
Kylo saw her hands digging into the sand.
"I–" he stammered, knowing his statement would hurt the girl, but he refused to tell her of his plaguing dream. "I don't know where you come from, or who you really are."
"Liar!" He flinched from her sudden outburst. He'd been fully expecting her to be despondent, not angry. "You wouldn't have said something like that if you had no idea who I really I was!" She was becoming flustered as she yelled, and Kylo didn't like being yelled at. His frustration started to build. "I can't believe I'm even asking you. I should have known you'd lie to me. You must get some sort of pleasure out of watching me suffer." Her knees came up to rest against her chest. "Murder and lies must come naturally to a person like you."
His lethal glare tore into her, but he could see she refused to back down. If any other person in this whole entire galaxy had talked to him like she just had, they would be dead.
The fury he felt was welcomed like a long, lost friend. Anger was the emotion he'd always been more comfortable in, not that foolish concern he felt for her a minute ago. But the compassion was still deep down within him, and that was the only entity holding him back from lunging at her.
"I do not lie. And don't presume to know who I am." She opened her mouth to challenge him, but he cut her off. "I really don't know where you come from, who your family is, or why you were left here."
She shook her head, refusing to let it go. "You know something, and I want to know what it is."
"It won't help you in your quest of finding answers."
She shot to her feet, throwing her arms out in exasperation. "You're impossible! I've been alone all my life, dreaming of the day my family would come back for me, until I finally had to accept that they never would. And now you hold the answers I seek and refuse to give them to me? I was abandoned here, and I want to know why!" She wiped away the tears that were forming in her eyes. "You know, I did things to survive that I'm not proud of. I had to teach myself how to fight off thieves and perverted men that tried to take advantage of me. Unkar even tried to sell me off to one of them, but I made him realize that that was never going to happen." Giving up on holding back the tears, she let them run down her rage filled face.
Carefully, Kylo rose, taking his time so he didn't startle her. He was mesmerized by her all encompassing passion, unable to look away from her animated face. His annoyance had vanished as she talked about her life, and he made a mental note to find this Unkar person.
That piece of shit doesn't deserve to be alive.
"I know you look at me and see a weak desert rat, but I'm not weak, and I'm not powerless. Not anymore." Slowly, he came to her, and to his relief, she didn't move away. "My life has taught me just how strong I can be. I've never had anyone to lean on, but myself. I lived fifteen years on this awful planet, and not one person had ever cared about me until I met Finn."
Kylo became irritated at hearing the traitor's new name, but decided to listen to her ramblings rather than interrupt.
A laugh abruptly left her lips. "And do you want to hear the most pathetic thing out of all this? The person who probably understands me the most is you." Her statement floored him as she pointed right at his chest. "Not Finn. You. When you were in my head, looking for that stupid map, you saw moments in my life I've never shared with anyone. You tore through my most private dreams and hopes for your own amusement. You brought that pain of rejection that I had buried back to the surface."
She stalked forward, closing the small space between them, scowling at his sun-burnt face. His eyes stayed on her as she came close, allowing him to count the soft brown freckles on the bridge of her nose.
She angled her head upward so she could look him boldly in the eyes. "I hate you. I hate you for how little and scared you made me feel. I hate you for killing Han and for trying to kill Finn. And I hate that even after everything you've done to me, after everything you've done to the galaxy," she paused and inhaled sharply, "I don't think I can bring myself to kill you. Not now. Not ever."
He didn't make any attempts at moving away from her intense gaze. He saw how defenseless the girl was and knew he could lash out at her before she could protect herself, but he didn't. Not because he knew no real harm could befall her here, but because of what he was feeling for her in that moment. There was no anger or rage conducting his actions. Instead he felt empathy for the woman in front of him, an undeniable urge to comfort her from the pain he had caused.
This isn't me, he thought weakly to himself. I don't feel guilt.
But he was. He felt remorse, and he was powerless to stop it.
He noticed her face slowly relax under his calm stare. His chest tightened as he watched her eyes roaming over his face, making him feel self-conscious. He thought of his abnormally large ears, hoping his hair was covering them from sight. He couldn't recall the last time he actually cared about his looks, but he found himself concerned over them now.
Hesitantly, he brought his hand up to her cheek as she slightly flinched away from him. The moment paused, his hand mere inches from her skin. She looked at him questioningly, but didn't walk away. His face contorted into concentration as he closed the gap between his hand and her flesh, electricity shooting up his arm and into his stammering heart, warming his body from the inside out. His thumb caressed her soft skin as he let out a shuddered breath.
She was just as soft as he imagined.
Eyes wide, she stood there, immobilized, letting him continue. Extending his fingers into her silky brown hair, he cupped her cheek into his calloused palm. He watched as she closed her eyes, leaning into his touch, knowing he'd just crossed the line into addiction.
He wanted more of her, but stopped himself.
"There's no possible way you could hate me more than I hate myself," he told her. He felt her shudder against his hand, her lids snapping open. There was something about that gaze of hers he'll never find in another living being, as if in that moment their souls had made a bridge, forming a connection. Her emotions emanated across the thread, telling him that she needed more of the connection, or that he did. Though, he figured they both needed it.
Her eyes were so different now, more soft and vulnerable than he ever thought eyes could be. All semblances of her armor now gone, what remained was a girl who no longer wanted to be alone. If it had been any other person looking at him in such a way, he would've dropped his gaze. But he didn't. He moved closer, her body now flush with his, wanting more. Always wanting more.
"Is this real?" she asked gently.
He nodded, taking in every line of her face to his memory, her beauty the medicine his ailing soul had always needed. In all the universe, he knew there would never be another like this girl.
She rested her hand on top of his, stroking her thumb over his knuckles. The fact that she was willingly touching him in an affectionate manner made his knees weak.
"You–"
Kylo's eyes snapped open, his hand extending toward the railing of the bunk above. Gazing at his opened hand, he could still feel the warmth that had been against it a second ago. He brought it closer to his face, lightly rubbing his fingers against his palm.
He was back on the ship.
He sat up on the edge of the bed, his boots resting on the metal floor. The room was dimly lit as he took in his surroundings.
When he had arrived on Jakku and landed near Niima Outpost, it had been the dead of night. As tempting as it had been to go looking for someone with answers, he had to stick with his original plan of staying inconspicuous. He would have to wait till morning, patience not being a particular strength of his. He had used his free time by looking through the many compartments and crevices of the ship, but soon found himself extremely bored. So he made the decision to get in some much needed sleep before resuming his mission.
Now there he sat, accepting the fact that he had just shared a dream with the girl he was hunting.
What have I done?
His mind raced with the realization of what transpired between him and the scavenger. He bolted off the bed, running his hands roughly through his hair.
Why did I go after her mother? I shouldn't have taken that so personally. It didn't even happen to me.
Panic was taking hold of him. He had told the girl something that he didn't like to acknowledge, not even on a really bad day.
He had told her that he hated himself.
And then he reveled in the the connection he'd felt with her, believing that it was something pure and reciprocated.
What's happening?
The memory of touching her was going to haunt him. Her warm, soft skin against his rough hand had felt so right, so natural. It was like he'd touched her that way a thousands time before. And then her body had fit so perfectly against him….
"Stop thinking about her!" He propelled his fist against the hard wall, tearing open his skin from the many blows, letting out a strangled scream. His head slammed into the barrier, trying to get the picture of her out of his mind.
The conflict within was on the verge of ruining him.
He sunk to his knees, cradling his head in his hands as blood dripped onto the floor. The pain throbbed, but he did nothing to alleviate it.
"She's an enemy of the First Order. The Supreme Leader gave me the personal mission of killing her. And by doing so, I will regain his trust. I will have more power. The galaxy needs the First Order to establish stability from the chaos that plagues it." And on and on he repeated the words, a mantra that he found himself not believing in its entirety.
As he sat on the cold floor, he was able to steady his breathing and calm himself. He needed to find this girl as quickly as possible before this inner conflict became a problem. But as he thought about ending her life, he could only see her face soften under his touch, feel the trust she so blatantly bestowed upon him.
She touched me back. Willingly.
There was no fooling himself. The girl was already a problem. She was bringing out the softer side of him he thought he killed off years ago.
Ben Solo. That stupid, naïve child.
He didn't know how to stop having compassion for her, even if it was minuscule. He tried remembering how he felt when he caught her looking in on his personal memory, but his indignation refused to return.
A deep breath escaped his lungs as he cocked his head back and looked at the ceiling.
"Shit."