Levi

"Levi? Levi, is that you?"

I wrenched myself away from Eren as if I'd been burned, only to be left thunderstruck when I caught a pair of very familiar eyes staring back at me. Grey ones, so much like my own.

This couldn't be happening. Not here. Not right now. Not today.

Why couldn't I be granted one perfect night with my boyfriend? Apparently, we couldn't go out without provoking a storm of massive proportions. And I was in for a storm unparalleled, that much was certain, as I looked back at a face I'd known all my life.

"Mom?"

"Levi, what... What are you doing here?"

Her eyes jumped from me to Eren and back, until they came to linger on Eren. There was a very distinct emotion crossing her features, an emotion I knew all to well from having witnessed it countless times on my uncle's face. It was a combination of shock and disgust, unmistakable and scathing enough to cut me right open, like a knife slicing effortlessly through flesh. Maybe it wasn't on purpose. I knew my mom well enough to assume she wouldn't treat me with such obvious contempt, but even if it wasn't meant to peek through, it didn't change the fact that it did. I was aware of the fact that she was convinced me being gay was just a rebellious phase I was currently going through, and that the best course of action would be to skirt the topic and wait until I came to my senses. That couldn't exactly be called acceptance, but at least she refrained from abusing me like uncle Kenny did. If I really had to, I could live with that, even while I'd die for her acknowledgement every single day.

I tried to speak. I really did, but it had never been so hard in my life. Not even when I sat both Kenny and my mom down in the living room that day to tell them I was into guys. Only guys. For some reason, the words had come easier to me back then, which could probably be appointed to the fact that I'd taken weeks to prepare for that. Right now, I was not prepared, not by a long shot. I was wide open and weaponless. Maybe it had been reckless to come here without taking into consideration that this was not Eren's room and we were not holed up somewhere where it was just the two of us. No, this was the open – the public. Crossing paths with someone we knew was a consequence we should've been ready for, and yet I'd come here as gullible as possible without taking all the things into account that could happen. I wanted this illusion to be real, so bad, that I'd blindly ignored everything else. And now, the consequences of my ignorance were hitting me full force. Still, I was tongue-tied. I knew I had to say something—anything—to break the tension that was thickening by the second, but all I could do was open and close my lips like the stranded fish I felt like.

Just then, my mom's gaze fell on my hand, which was still linked with Eren's, and I realized what it was she was undoubtedly realizing right now. Despite the fact that she probably wanted to ignore the kiss she'd just stumbled upon, our joined hands left no doubt about what this was. Her son was out on a date, with a guy, and he was being indecently close to him, kissing him, holding hands with him. Out here in the open, where everyone could see it, and somehow, that was enough to make the penny drop. Things clicked for Eren at the same time they did for my mom and me, and I felt him pulling away. He wanted to deescalate the situation by letting go of my hand, and maybe, that would be the right thing to do in that moment, Maybe, it would give my mother at least a shard of hope about me not being serious about all of this. The thing was, I didn't want to give her that shard of hope. If she was holding onto any kind of straw of me not being gay and this not being a date with the boy I liked, it was better to crush it right now when I had the chance. Because I had no intention, at all, to let Eren go. Not ever. If it was me against my family, I wouldn't bend down to their will and lose everything I'd come to love just to appease their selfishness. It was breaking my heart in two to close my fingers around Eren's and see the subsequent pain flare white hot in my mother's eyes, but I knew I had to do this. More than anything, it was vital for me to make my point, right here. I had to stand up for myself, even if it meant going against the mother I loved.

"I'm on a date," I said. Despite my efforts to sound unwavering, my voice was quiet and brittle, but even despite all that, she understood. Just like I understood the tears that were pooling in her eyes in response. A cold hand closed around my heart, and the pain it elicited was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. This was a turning point in my relationship with mom, and I had yet to find out where that would leave us.

Mom sniffled and averted her gaze. It took her a few moments to calm down enough to talk.

"Levi... Can we talk? Alone? Please."

Feeling a bit more confident now that I felt Eren's hand squeezing me back, I was about to tell her that anything she wanted to say, she could tell me in front of him. But before even a word could fall from my lips, Eren interrupted me, his gaze begging.

"Go," he said, and this one word was enough to make me comply. As if on autopilot, I rose from my seat, but not before I'd brushed my thumb over Eren's once more.

Our eyes met, and despite the seriousness of the situation, Eren smiled at me. Genuinely. I wanted to kiss him then, just as a mean to let him know how endlessly grateful I was; for him and everything he was doing for me.

"I'll be right back," I promised, meaning it. I had no intention to leave Eren here by himself for too long. I'd listen to what my mother had to say, but after that, I'd come back in here and spend the rest of the day with Eren. I would spend a beautiful night with him and then fall asleep with him holding me close, like he always did.

"I'll be here," he said with a smile, and released my hand. My heart thumped ridiculously hard, even while I was facing a life-changing talk with my mom, and I suppressed the urge to run my fingers through Eren's soft, chocolaty hair.

Finally, I nodded and walked to the exit of the restaurant, my mother following close behind. As soon as the door fell shut behind us, she crowded me against the wall, my shoulders grabbed in her hands.

"Levi, please tell me this is not real. Tell me this is just—"

"—A phase, mom? Just something I'm doing to experiment while I'm young?"

"Yes!" She exclaimed, fervently nodding her head at the offered suggestion. "That's what it is, isn't it? Just a phase."

I sighed, my heart giving a pained squeeze. This was exactly what she wanted to hear, more than anything, wasn't it? It would be so easy to soothe her worries, to tell her yes, it probably was just a phase and that I was still trying out new things without knowing what they meant or where they would eventually lead. When I looked back into her grey eyes, I almost wanted to. Seeing her suffer had always had the strongest impact on me, and I'd always do whatever I could to ease it. Only that now, I couldn't. The lie would make her feel better for now, but it wouldn't change how I felt.

I cupped her hands with mine and tilted my head to look up at her. "I'm sorry, mom. It's not. Just to make this easier for you, I wish I could tell you something else. But the reality is that this is not a phase. It's not me experimenting. It's not me being rebellious. I've told you once before, and believe me when I say it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'll tell you again to prove I'm serious. I am gay," I whispered, tears stinging my eyes, but I'd refuse to let them fall. We couldn't both start crying now, it would rob this much-needed conversation of anything remotely resembling control, and that couldn't happen. It wasn't even necessary for me to spill any tears; she was doing that more than enough for the both of us. It took all I had not to cave in along with her.

"Mom, I want to apologize... But I can't. This is just who I am, you know? But it doesn't make me a different person. I'm still me. Still your son, and I love you. Can't you just... Accept me, the way I am?"

For the first time since we started this conversation, she looked me straight in the eye, really looked at me. Her stormy eyes were wet and defeated, and the tears wouldn't stop falling. Slowly, her hands unwound from mine and she dropped them to her sides. Then, she began to shake her head from side to side, as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her body language gave me enough of an answer, yet still I felt everything inside me shattering into millions of tiny pieces when she put her reply into actual words.

"I-I'm sorry, Levi," she whispered brokenly, "I always wanted to be a grandma, for your children. How can I accept you'll never have a family of your own? This life... It's not what I want for you. Whoever this boy is you came with... Is he really worth all this, Levi?"

Anger shot hotly through my veins, but I managed to fight down the surge of adrenaline before it could take effect. She was the same as uncle; they both wanted to blame someone else for the situation they were confronted with, which was me being gay. Having a scapegoat was always the easy way out. They were still denying the truth, and with the way she was acting, I started doubting if this would ever change. A tiny sniffle made it past my lips, and I hated myself for it. I was trying so hard to be strong, but I couldn't deny the fact that I'd been hoping—wishing—my mom would be the one exception in my family. When I was lying awake in bed at night, struggling with myself and everyone who was rejecting me because of my orientation, I'd dared to pray she'd stand by me when nobody else would. As it turns out, all these sleepless nights filled with prayers had been for naught. I'd never felt more alone in my life than I did right now.

"It's not about him, mom. It's about me. Don't you see that? I am the one who likes guys, he doesn't make me do that. It's my own free will, and this is who I am. If he didn't exist, I'd still like guys..." I trailed off and ran a hand through my hair in distress. "Damn, do you think any of this is easy for me? All I want is for you to be by my side through this."

She took a step back and hid her face in her palms, her shoulders shaking harder now. I wanted to close the distance and hug her, but I was too afraid she'd reject me. I wouldn't be able to bear that. I would break down right here in front of her.

"I-I'm s-sorry..." she whispered while her voice shuddered with sobs, "What you're asking of me... I don't know if I can. I just... I need time. I can't give you an answer right now. Please... Understand."

I nodded, because what else was there left to do? I couldn't force her to accept me. It was something she had to do by herself; no words I could possibly say would take that out of her hands. She sighed and wiped her eyes. "I'm going home. Do you... Want to come?"

I should. A quickly manifesting feeling inside my chest told me that leaving with her was the right thing to do. But my feet were rooted to the ground, unmoving. Eren was sitting right behind that glass door, waiting for me, and despite the dire situation that should have made my decision easy, everything in me urged to stay with Eren and get the date we planned to have. What was more, after this... I needed him. Even at the risk of sounding like a petulant, needy child, I wanted Eren, my Eren, and that was final. Just the thought of returning to my place and the inescapable oppression that would undoubtedly weigh down on every last inch of air at home made me choke. No, what I needed right now was my boyfriend and someplace I could be alone with him. If someone was able to make me feel a little less broken, it was Eren. He'd proven that on so many occasions.

I took a step closer, momentarily deafened by the vicious heartbeat thrumming through my veins. "I'd like to stay with him. Can I?"

If she'd told me no, I wouldn't have known what to do. I didn't want to leave, but I also wasn't sure if I had it in me to turn down her request for me to accompany her back home if she voiced it. Fortunately, she didn't tell me no. Slowly, and with endless sadness in her eyes, she gave me a curt nod. It was an admission of weakness, but still, I wished I could hug her. I wished she would hug me. Parting ways after what had just happened between us, without having some kind of reconciliation, felt wrong and incomplete. But apparently, I was the only one who felt like that. What she did was turn on her heel and hurry in the direction of the parking lot, leaving me for the second time that night. I watched her as she unlocked the car and got inside; as she reversed and drove out of sight. Now that she was gone, I could cry. With every fiber in my body, I felt that that was exactly what I wanted to do, what I needed. An outlet, anything that would release some of the pain that threatened to consume me whole. But for some reason, I couldn't. I shivered and my throat closed up, but my eyes stayed dry.

Would my mom eventually come around? And if she did, would I be ready to forgive her for abandoning me when I needed her the most?

An amount of time I couldn't even begin to understand passed. It could be minutes for all I knew; it could be hours. Routine movements my body was usually perfectly capable of doing were suddenly impossible to perform. All I could do was stand there, shaking from top to bottom, my arms wrapped around my body as if to hold myself together. That was how Eren found me some time later, his voice being the only thing able to pierce through my haze of pain and unshed tears.

"Levi?" He asked cautiously. His footsteps were drawing nearer, albeit slowly. He was careful. Knowing him, he wasn't sure if approaching me right now was the best thing to do. Also knowing him, when it came down to the decision to touch me or not, he'd not be able to turn down the opportunity. It was like he couldn't help himself, and that was only one of the many things I loved about him.

"Hey," came his soft voice, and a moment later, I felt his warm fingertips against my undercut. "Are you okay? Did your mom... Leave?"

I nodded wordlessly, but chose to stare at the tips of my sneakers instead of his green eyes and the worry they'd hold. His fingers wandered up to weave tenderly in my hair, and I leaned into the touch.

"It didn't go well?"

I shook my head.

"Come here."

Within the next moment, I found myself in his arms. He bent down far enough to bury his face in the crook of my neck, his lips brushing feather-light kisses against my skin. Somehow, I felt the urge to tell him, to explain everything that had happened, but when his arms squeezed my sides and he simply held me, words seemed too much. So I just allowed myself to fall into his embrace, tucking my head against his broad chest and clinging to the comforting scent that crept through his shirt.

"I love you, Levi. Whatever happens."

"Thank you," I whispered into his chest, voice pathetically brittle. Thanking someone for a love confession was probably a stupid thing to do, but right then, I just had to tell him. I was so thankful to have him love me, even if it was hard to understand why sometimes, knowing that he did had become my beacon of hope.

"If you want to talk about it, I'm here," he said against my temple before placing a sweet kiss to the soft skin there.

"I know. Later, okay? For now, can we just go back in and pretend this didn't happen?"

Eren squeezed me tight enough to make the breath puff out of my chest, and the feeling was glorious. "Anything you want."

I hooked my finger into Eren's belt loop while I followed him back into the restaurant. A few minutes after we'd sat back down at our table, the waitress returned with our main courses. The pumpkin lasagna before me looked mouth-wateringly delicious, but the whirlwind of emotions going in inside me somehow managed to numb my taste buds, and I ended up pushing the food around more than actually eating any of it. It was the same with the conversation I managed to put up – quiet one word answers and subdued replies. I wanted to push the conversation with my mom to the furthest corner of my mind, to repress it in favor of enjoying this date I'd been pining for forever. So why couldn't I? I'd always considered myself a pro at hiding things away deep within me, so no one would be able to see. Yet tonight, that seemed impossible. The question of whether I'd lost my mom or not was adamantly looming over me, refusing to let me go and focus on the boy sitting across from me.

"Levi?"

My eyes snapped to his, and it felt like coming out of a daze. My mind had wandered, again.

"Sorry," I apologized. "I was zoning out again, wasn't I?"

"A bit," he smiled, but I caught the tiny flicker of disappointment crossing his features anyway. God, this was all my fault. I'd messed up this date, and ruined the night not only for me, but Eren too. And he'd planned everything so meticulously as well. This was supposed to be perfect, and now everything had fallen to pieces right in front of us.

"I think we should go," Eren said. "I don't want to force you to be here."

"What, no! You're not! We can't go yet, we didn't even have dessert."

In a half-hearted attempt, I tried to flag down the waitress to ask for the dessert menu, but Eren's fingers wrapped around my wrist and pulled my hand back down. I shot him a questioning stare, but all he did was shake his head gently. Denial burned me like a literal flame, and I wanted to force this date back on track, even while I knew it wouldn't happen. Still, it was beyond painful to admit it was over.

My shoulders sagged and this time, the tears pricking my eyes were real and ready to fall. How could a perfect night turn into this unsalvageable mess in a matter of minutes? I just couldn't grasp it.

"Eren, I'm so sorry," I whispered in his direction, hanging my head in shame. I was unable to look at him. Guilt was overwhelming me a little more with each breath I took.

When his fingers slipped into my field of vision to brush my hair behind my ear, I wanted to cry. I wished he'd be angry with me, that was something I could deal with. This tenderness of his was tearing down all the defenses I had left.

"There's nothing to apologize for, Levi," he whispered back and even if I knew I wasn't worthy of receiving any of Eren's affections right now, I selfishly took it by leaning my cheek into his palm.

"There is, and you know it." I was trying to make him see that for himself, but he wouldn't have it.

"No. None of this is your fault."

Finally, I looked up at him. He couldn't possibly serious, could he? Nobody could be this understanding about someone ruining all their efforts within the blink of an eye. He had to be mad. He had to be furious at me. If he was, he hid it exceptionally well. Everything I recognized in those endless teal eyes was devotion.

"You called, sir?"

The waitress had approached our table and was looking at us expectantly.

"Can we get the check, please?"

"Sure. I'll be right back."

She turned around and left. Right after she was gone, I dropped my face in my hands.

"Shit, all of this is my fault. Would you just please yell at me already? And after that, I'll make it up to you. You just have to tell me how. I'll do anything, just—"

"Shh," he cut me off with a lingering kiss to the corner of my mouth. "I already told you there's nothing to apologize for. Now shut up and let me take you home. I want to have a nice, long bath with you."

God, this guy. Had he fallen straight out of a damn fairytale or what? Nothing about him could possibly be real, and yet it was. I wondered how long it would take me to realize this perfect boy was really all mine. My current estimate was at around seven years, but for all I knew, it could be forever.

Eren footed the bill like the gentleman he was, and then he took my hand and led me out to the car. Despite the fresh air outside, exhaustion hit me full force and I felt drained. I couldn't wait to get into Eren's bathtub and snuggle up to him until I was tired enough to fall asleep.

Eren put some music on while I fastened my seatbelt and then we were on the road. I watched the streetlights breeze by my window, thinking of something to say when Eren spoke first.

"So, do you want to talk about what happened?"

The question was careful, tentative. If I didn't want to tell him, he wouldn't force me to share, but somehow, I felt ready to.

"Well," I sighed, trying to bring some order into my scattered thoughts. "She was still hoping all of this is just a phase I'm going through. When I told her it wasn't, she started to cry. She... Said she couldn't accept it, not yet at least."

Eren stayed quiet for a few long minutes, which gave me enough time to gather the courage to turn in my seat and look at him. His eyes were fixed on the road in front of us, his eyebrows puckered in thought.

"Not yet?" He finally asked. "What does that mean?"

"She said she needed time."

Again, he weighed his words before replying.

"Okay, so what she needs is time. Maybe... You should give her that. It's a lot to handle for her right now, but I'm sure once she's found her bearings, she'll accept it. You're her son after all, I mean how could she not?"

"And what about me? Do you think all of this is easy for me? Isn't she supposed to be the one supporting me through this? She's abandoning me, Eren!"

Rage surged through my veins like acid. He couldn't be serious, could he? What he was doing sounded like an attempt to downplay the entire situation; something that was impossible to downplay. Did he really have no fucking clue about how serious this was?

"I don't think she's abandoning you, Levi. She's just confused and helpless, so she's making mistakes. But... Her reaction could have been worse, right? I mean she saw us kissing. She could've blown up right then."

It could have been worse? It could have been fucking worse?

Goddamn, he was really serious about this. I couldn't believe my ears. What I wanted to do was seize his shoulders and shake some sense into him, but the fact that we were currently driving didn't allow that much.

"Are you listening to yourself right now?" I said, my voice trembling with barely containable fury. "How the fuck can you even say that? This is exactly what coming out can be like, people who are supposed to love you unconditionally having to debate whether or not you're still worthy of their love. Just because you have the audacity to like a gender you're not supposed to like. And here you are, making fucking excuses for her behavior."

Eren threw me a worried look, but I was too far gone to care about whether he felt sorry for what he'd said. How could he stab me in the back like that?

"Hey, calm down," he said, his voice strained with anxiety. "I only meant well... All I'm trying to do is soothe you."

One of his hands left the steering wheel and crossed the short distance between us, but I slapped it away without a second thought. All of the sadness over our ruined date morphed to feelings of rage and betrayal, and fast. My blood boiled, and my vision was well underway to dip into vivid shades of scarlet at this point. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I realized I needed to calm down if I wanted to keep this from escalating for real, but for some reason, I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to keep calm. I wanted to scream and shout, to make Eren pay for defending someone who was purposely hurting me, when he should be on my side.

"Soothe me? Soothe me? What a fucking joke! You can't possibly be that delusional. You think coming out is all fun and games? Just accept people hurting you and give them time until they make up their mind, if they do? Let me tell you one thing, it's not like that. Not at all. And you obviously have no idea about what coming out could mean for you!"

I cut off, my breathing heavy and my heart racing. Thousands of different thoughts spun through my head, things I still wanted to say but didn't know how. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been so angry, and never would I have thought it would be Eren to trigger me like this.

"Levi, please listen to me. I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to upset you, you know I would never do that! I just wanted to help you feel better and maybe see all of this from a different perspective, but I am sorry if what I said hurt you. I shouldn't have said anything, just please... Don't be mad at me. I can't take it."

"I don't fucking care!" I yelled, once again smacking his hand away from me. The pain at my rejection was obvious and he flinched and whimpered at the same time.

Good.

For what he'd said, he deserved to hurt just as much I did.

"Come on... Don't make this worse..."

"Ha, me? You did that all by yourself," I snorted venomously. "And now I want you take me the fuck home. I'm not staying anywhere near you tonight."

He gasped and the car swung very slightly to the right as his mouth dropped open in shock.

"Please Levi, don't do this..." His eyes were shimmering with wetness, but maybe it was only the dim light betraying my vision, I couldn't be sure. "Let's just go home and talk this out, okay? Please, don't go now."

I made the mistake of meeting his gaze, which was filled to the brim with regret, and for a moment those eyes caused my decision to totter. I looked away to break his hold on me and crossed my arms.

"Take me home. Right now."

I caught his hands gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white, but ignored it.

"You know what?" He spat, getting angry now. "Fine! Then go! All I did was try to make you feel better, but apparently, you want to believe that I'm dead set on upsetting you, which is something I'd never do, and you know it!"

He set the turn signal and swerved the car into the direction of my place.

"Oh, so you think you have any right to get angry now?" I shouted. "You must be fucking kidding me! You are the one who decided to defend someone who's rejecting me for being me!"

"I never said that! I'd never defend someone who's hurting you! I was only trying to make you understand how your mom must be feeling, which doesn't mean I agree with how she's treating you! What do you want me to say, huh? Do you want me to say she'll never accept you? That she'll never come around and just cast you off? If that's what you wanted to hear, then fine! Apparently, you want to expect the worst, then you better get used to the possibility of losing your mom!"

He breezed onto the parking lot of my apartment complex and ran straight into an empty space without even stepping on the brakes once. I was stunned into utter silence. Cold shivers were racing down my spine in quick succession, my breathing spotty and labored, matching the inconsistent beat of my heart. My mind was blank. I'd heard Eren's words, each painful one of them, but I couldn't find anything that would've made for an adequate reply. Both of us stayed quiet while we tried to come down, until a tear fell on the back of my hand with a soft plop. For a moment, I didn't realize the tear had fallen from my eyes, and when I did, I angrily wiped at my face. Eren smacked the dash and cursed under his breath, before he undid his seat belt and leaned over the center console into my personal space.

"Levi, I'm so sorry, god... I am the worst. I didn't mean it, I promise, it just slipped out... Please forgive me," he whispered on a small sniffle, and I practically felt how more cracks formed all across my already wounded heart. I didn't mean to come for it this far, but now it had, and for the first time ever, I couldn't bear being near Eren. I needed to get away.

He reached out his hand to touch my cheek, his finger thumbing my tears. I allowed myself to linger for all of one second before I protected myself in the only way I knew how – by closing off and shutting everyone out in the process. I pushed his hand away just as a strangled sob ripped free from my throat.

"D-Don't touch me," I whimpered, hating myself for being so weak whenever it came to Eren.

It was painfully obvious how much effort it took for him to keep away from me. It was there in plain sight, the overwhelming need to touch me, to be close to me in any way, and I knew refusing him was the worst punishment I could issue. It was not meant as a punishment for him though, at least not primarily, instead it was a basic urge to protect myself. Too much had happened, and right now, all I had left was to retire into my shell and remove myself from anyone who could possibly hurt me. Which now... Included Eren.

"Levi... Please..." His voice was strained and trembling. He was holding back his own tears. Even if it was killing me, I'd hold my ground. I had to look out for myself.

With uncoordinated movements, I bent down and retrieved my bag from the foot well. Eren continued whispering to me, asking me to forgive him, to stay, to allow him only one touch. I didn't grant any of his wishes. Instead, I hooked my finger into the lock and opened the door. Setting my feet down, I wobbled for a brief moment due to feeling solid ground beneath me, but quickly caught myself and started to walk in the direction of my entrance door. Slipping my hand into my jeans pocket, I was relieved to feel the warmed metal of the key against my fingers. When I crossed the threshold, I heard shuffling behind me and threw a glance over my shoulder to see Eren running towards me. The door was closing slowly, and I did nothing to stop it. Eren reached it just a millisecond too late and pulled on the door that was now separating him from me. He was crying, thick tears streaking his tan cheeks, his full lips trembling as he lifted his palm against the glass and whispered 'please' in a soundless plea. His face was twisted with anger, his gaze fiery and wild. I'd never seen him this enraged before, and the mere sight stirred something within me; something I forced down in the blink of an eye. He was the one who'd wronged me, and I'd not cave in only because seeing him in pain was driving me to my knees.

I looked at him for the duration of a heartbeat, and then turned away and headed for the stairs. His fists began to pound the glass door and I heard him screaming my name, even through the barrier between us. Only when I took the first step of the stairs, did I realize I was crying just as much as Eren had.