A/N: Sorry for the long delay in updating this fic (and all my other fics recently.) I got a real job, which was much needed, but it is seriously cutting into my writing time. I will finish all my stories eventually, I promise! Your reviews are greatly appreciated. (They motivate me to write faster in my spare time!)
The news that Patterson's boyfriend had been killed because of one of her tattoos hit Jane like a bombshell. She arrived at work early the next morning, not quite sure what she could do, but desperate to find a lead that would help get her friend the justice she deserved. Patterson's whole world had been shattered, and she couldn't help but feel responsible. If she hadn't come into their lives, none of this would have ever happened.
She headed to the evidence room and donned a pair of gloves before pulling the box related to her case off the shelf, swallowing hard as she pulled out the bag she had been found in and laid it on the table in front of her. It seemed so small looking at it now, but it was the sum total of the physical evidence they had in her case. She fiddled with the zipper, flipped over the tag that read Call the FBI, hoping against hope that she would remember something, but her mind remained a complete blank, and she felt the familiar frustration well up within her. She wanted so badly to help, but she was useless in this instance.
Kurt could see the sadness on Jane's face as he approached, and it broke his heart. He wanted so badly to sweep her up in his arms and assure her that everything would be all right, just as he'd used to, but he knew from bitter experience that mere words wouldn't help at this point. "What are you doing down here?"
"Uh . . ." Jane hesitated. What could she say? What was there to say? "I don't know." She finally met Kurt's eyes. "I thought maybe seeing it would . . . trigger something." She glanced down at her wrist and pointed to the tattoo that had brought about so much heartache. "This tattoo . . ."
"Jane . . ." Kurt stepped closer to her. "You can't blame yourself." He'd seen the look on her face at the hospital last night, and he'd been afraid she was doing exactly that, but it hadn't been the right time for this conversation.
Jane's eyes were shimmering with tears as she met Kurt's gaze once more. "The only reason David was in that library was because he was following this. And I'm covered in these. But I have no control over what they mean or what happens because of them." She hated being so powerless.
"Jane," Kurt said again as he gently took her hands in his, "these tattoos . . . they've saved a lot of lives." She had saved a lot of lives. Including his and Agent Bryant's. He still hadn't told her how proud he was of her for that, how much he appreciated it.
"Not this time." The sympathy in Kurt's eyes was nearly her undoing, and it was all Jane could do not to throw herself into his arms. "This wasn't some terrorist or criminal that died; it was Patterson's boyfriend. How is she going to move on from this? I've never . . . lost anyone before. At least not anyone I can remember," she amended, quickly realizing she had, in fact, lost her mother. And him.
"You're lucky," Kurt told her. "It takes time." A lot of time. And in his case, after losing her, a lot of alcohol. If Sarah hadn't confronted him about that, he could easily have become the drunk his father had predicted. A wave of sadness swept over him. How different might things be now if he had just gone after Taylor? "Come on," he said, as much to distract himself as her. "Let's get to work."
They were almost to the bullpen when an agent Jane didn't recognize approached them. "Agent Weller? There's a Dr. Lida Carras on the phone for you."
Jane's brow furrowed. "Lida Carras?" It was an unusual name, but it seemed familiar somehow. "Did . . . did I know her?"
"Yes." Kurt watched her closely. "Do you remember her?"
Jane racked her brain, but she couldn't put a face to the name. Her shoulders slumped. "No." Why couldn't she remember anything from that time in her life? She would give anything for even one memory of Kurt. "I'm sorry."
Kurt squeezed Jane's shoulder gently. "You have nothing to be sorry for." He started to tell the agent he would take the phone call in his office when Reade spotted them and frantically waved them over. Clearly, he and Zapata had come up with a lead in David's murder and that took precedence right now. "Take down the number where she can be reached and tell her I'll call her back as soon as possible."
It was all Jane could do not to ask about Lida Carras on the drive to the Levkins, but the grim expression on Kurt's face reminded her that now was not the time. Today was all about getting justice for Patterson, and they needed to be at the top of their game, especially if they were dealing with Russian spies, so she determinedly forced the distraction from her mind. The case turned out to be distracting enough.
"How could the Russians be so sure their agents could get these people to marry them?" she asked Kurt as they headed to Queens Museum to talk to Olivia Delidio.
"I'm sure they profiled their targets for years," Kurt told her. "Created matches based on personalities, interests." He wouldn't be surprised if Jane had been sent to him for a similar reason. Anyone who looked into him would quickly figure out that he had never really gotten over Taylor. Their shared history and the unfinished business between them would have made her the perfect target for him. What he couldn't figure out was why. It wasn't as if Taylor—or Jane—would ever willingly take part in a plot against him.
"That's a lot of effort," Jane commented.
"It's worth it for them," Kurt responded. "Being able to assimilate to prevent getting caught."
"But still," Jane countered, "to just give up your whole life like that." A thoughtful expression crossed her face. "I wonder if they ever regretted it." She didn't think she would ever have been able to make a choice like that. To walk away from all that she knew, everyone and everything she loved.
There was nothing he could say to that, so Kurt settled for flashing Jane a sympathetic smile before he exited the car, and they headed into the museum. There was no more opportunity for personal discussion after that, and Kurt didn't see Jane again once the case was concluded. He was just in his office wrapping up some paperwork when the phone rang. "Weller."
"Kurt?" a female voice said hesitantly. "This is Lida Carras. I understand you want to talk to me about Taylor? How is she doing? You know the two of us haven't spoken in years."
"Yeah, uh . . ." Kurt massaged the back of his neck. "Neither had we until recently." He filled Dr. Carras in on what had transpired between them and how she had come back into his life.
The silence that followed his revelations was almost deafening. "Dr. Carras?" he prompted at length.
"I'm sorry," Lida apologized as she drew a shaky breath. "This is just . . . It's a lot to take in." Her mind was racing as she came to a decision. "We need to talk. In person. If I catch a red-eye to New York tonight, can you meet me first thing in the morning?"
"Of course," Kurt responded immediately, his curiosity peaked as he wondered what she could have to tell him that couldn't be said over the phone when, by her own admission, she hadn't been in contact with Taylor in probably as long as him. Something in her tone warned him that she wouldn't be forthcoming, so he simply exchanged phone numbers with her and arranged to meet her at a coffee shop between his apartment and the hotel where she planned to stay.
Sarah called just as he was arriving home to ask him to pick up some groceries, and he decided to walk the three blocks to the store. He needed to clear his head after the day he'd had. He had a feeling his dreams tonight were going to be haunted by the image of Jane going over the side of that ship, rather than Kate Williams. She was going to be the death of him yet.
He accomplished his errand on autopilot and was startled to see the object of his thoughts sitting on the bench outside his apartment when he returned. Alone. He picked up the pace as he approached her. "Hey. Everything all right?"
"Yeah," Jane reassured him as she stood, flashing him that sheepish smile he had always found so endearing.
He glanced around. "Where's your detail?"
"Umm . . ." Jane hesitated. She had known it would upset him to learn she had come alone, but her need for privacy had outweighed such mundane concerns. "I snuck out."
"That is crazy," Kurt growled at her. "Their job is to be with you the whole time. To look after you when you get home." When he couldn't.
Jane grabbed his hand, stopping his tirade. "I just needed to see you." Her eyes pleaded with him to understand.
Kurt's temper faded as he gazed into those green depths. "Is everything okay?" he asked in a much gentler tone.
Jane hesitated only an instant before looping her arms around his neck and pressing her lips to his. He didn't respond at first, and she drew back slightly, afraid she had misjudged his interest in her, but when she closed the distance again, he kissed her back.
Kurt kept his hand on her jaw when they pulled apart again after the all-too-brief kiss, and Jane felt a blush stain her cheeks at his warm gaze. "I just, umm . . . I wanted a moment that was just . . . us."
Kurt couldn't contain his smile as he searched Jane's eyes, and then they were kissing again. It was a unique experience, familiar and yet at the same time completely new, and he fought the urge to deepen the kiss, not wanting to overwhelm her with the strength of his feelings. She wasn't there yet. They weren't there yet. But they would get there, he had no doubt of that. He just had to be patient.
He never wanted this moment to end, but of course it did. Sawyer came out to help with the groceries, and Jane pulled back with a charmingly embarrassed laugh. Kurt watched her sashay away before following Sawyer inside, so distracted by that kiss that he never even gave a thought to the danger of allowing her to return home alone.
Sarah offered to cook supper, and for once Kurt didn't argue. He headed back to his room and took a seat on his bed, taking several deep breaths to try to regain his composure. He faced down armed criminals and terrorists for a living without flinching, and yet that kiss, innocent as it had been, had nearly been his undoing. It's just one kiss, he told himself and then froze.
"It's just one kiss," Taylor argued stubbornly, her eyes flashing, hands on hips. "Why are you making such a big deal out of this? Is the idea of kissing me really that repulsive?"
Actually, it was the fact that it wasn't that was the problem. "What brought this on, Taylor?" Kurt asked in puzzlement as he gazed down at his suddenly unreasonable wife. "We agreed that sex was off the table between us."
Taylor rolled her eyes at him. "I'm talking about one kiss, Kurt, not . . . not . . ." She sighed. "I'm married, and I'm the only girl in my class who doesn't know what it's like to at least kiss a guy. It's not fair."
"Life's not fair, kiddo," Kurt pointed out, though no one knew that better than Taylor. If it was, she would be having this conversation with Emma, not him. "Now come on." He turned away and pulled an armful of ingredients out of the refrigerator, placing them down on the counter in front of her. "Fix a salad for us while I get dinner going."
"Fine," Taylor huffed. "If you won't do it, then I'm sure Tommy Johnson will be happy to."
The idea of that pimply-faced little twerp laying a hand on his wife, much less his lips, made Kurt's blood boil. His jaw clenched as he whirled around and glared at her. "Oh, no, you won't. We made a deal, remember?"
"I remember agreeing that we wouldn't see other people while we were married." Taylor shrugged casually. "One kiss doesn't violate that, as far as I can tell. Besides . . . we'll be getting a divorce soon enough anyway." She only had six months left of her senior year.
Kurt watched in disbelief as Taylor picked up a knife and began dicing a tomato as if she didn't have a care in the world. As if she hadn't just upended his world. "Fine," he ground out. He stalked over to her, and she glanced up at him, startled, as he gripped her arms and pulled her gently to him before pressing his lips to hers.
He kept the kiss chaste and drew back far sooner than he wanted to. "Satisfied?" he asked when Taylor shyly met his eyes, doing his best to seem as unaffected as possible. The last thing he wanted was for her to discern how he really felt about her.
"That's it?" Taylor frowned when he nodded. "Well, that's disappointing. The way the girls at school talked, it was much more exciting than that. According to them, it's almost . . . magical."
"I'm sure it will be when you find the right person, Taylor," Kurt assured her, pushing aside his disquiet at the thought of her with another man. God, he was no better than his father, lusting after an innocent underage girl. Emma would be rolling in her grave if she knew the direction his thoughts had taken.
"I very much doubt that any of them have found the person they're meant to be with yet," Taylor said dryly. "I guess you're just . . . not very good at kissing?" Though she had read enough romance novels in order to appear knowledgeable on the subject to her classmates to suspect that had been a half-assed attempt. "Maybe I should give Tommy a try after a—"
Her words were cut short as Kurt crushed his lips to hers, putting her mouth to much better use, still keeping the kiss relatively chaste, but hopefully giving her a taste of the magic she craved. Her lips were every bit as sweet as he had always imagined, and it took every bit of his iron control to pull back when she opened her mouth with a soft moan. "Better?" he asked as her eyes landed on him with unfocused satisfaction, and he fought the urge to do it all over again.
"Much," Taylor responded, barely restraining herself from bringing a hand to her still-tingling lips. A shiver snaked down her spine at the heat in Kurt's eyes. He was pretending to be unaffected, but clearly he had enjoyed it every bit as much as her. But if he wanted to play it cool, she would oblige him. "You're not so bad at kissing after all."
Kurt's eyes crinkled at the corners as he grinned at her. "You're not so bad yourself, Mrs. Weller." He waited a beat, then added, "For a beginner."
Kurt's smile was bittersweet as the memory faded. Her outraged look had been so adorable that he'd realized in that moment that he was absolutely, irrevocably in love with her, and it had scared him so badly that he had redoubled his efforts to keep his distance, all while simultaneously keeping her close, never realizing that she had agreed to stay married and allow him to accompany her to California because she felt the same way about him. The two of them had operated at cross purposes like that for well over a year after the move before their feelings finally got the better of them.
Kurt slept only fitfully that night, his dreams haunted by images of the two of them, and he ordered an extra-strong coffee as he waited for Dr. Carras to arrive. He was just starting on his second cup when a petite, olive-skinned whirlwind slid into the seat across from him, setting a familiar box on the table next to her.
"First, let me say that you are a world-class idiot," Lida greeted Kurt. "Taylor never so much as looked at another man, let alone had an affair with one. She moped for weeks even before you left for Quantico. And after you left, when she wasn't in class, she was holed up in her room in our apartment. The last thing she was interested in doing was socializing. With anyone."
Kurt nodded as her words erased the last lingering shreds of doubt that Taylor had been unfaithful to him. "I'd already pretty much come to that conclusion, but thank you for telling me that."
"I wish I'd done it sooner," Lida said regretfully. "That's why I flew out here. Taylor wasn't having an affair back then, but something was definitely going on with her. After you left, she was distant and short-tempered, and she wasn't sleeping well. She . . ." She hesitated and then pushed the box she had brought toward him. "She asked me to give you this if I ever heard anything happened to her. I wonder now if she was hoping I'd be concerned enough to contact you and find out what she'd done."
Kurt's hands automatically came up to cover the box. It contained Emma Shaw's journals, and had been one of Taylor's most prized possessions. He couldn't imagine why she would have left them behind, but perhaps rereading them now in light of what had happened would offer some clue. And the one from the year Taylor was born had been written in some kind of code that they had never been able to crack. Perhaps Patterson would have better luck. "And she never confided in you what was bothering her?"
"No." Lida shook her head. "I didn't even know she was leaving. I came home one day, and all her things were gone, and she'd left a note saying she was sorry, but that she missed you so much that she'd decided to transfer to a college out East. Which struck me as crazy even back then, because she only had a few months to go, and she would have lost credits in the transfer. I tried calling her a few times to check up on her, but she never answered. I almost called you, but . . ." She shrugged helplessly.
"I wish you had," Kurt said with raw honesty. "I know she pushed me away rather than letting me help her with whatever was going on, but I still feel like I failed her, you know?"
"I know," Lida agreed with a pained smile. "I wish now I had pushed her harder to open up back then, but I just chalked up her mood to missing you. There was one more strange thing, though," she added. "Right after you left, I saw her arguing with an older man on campus. When they spotted me, he took off. I asked Taylor about it, but she said it was just a man who had mistaken her for his son's ex-girlfriend."
"But you didn't believe her," Kurt surmised.
"It just . . . It seemed too heated to be a case of mistaken identity." Lida's eyes darkened at the remembrance. "Taylor would normally shrug something like that off, but she was furious that day. I can't imagine her getting that angry over a misunderstanding."
Neither could he. Taylor had been the most empathetic person he knew. "Do you think you could describe him to a sketch artist?"
"I can do you one better than that," Lida said with a faint smile. "Something told me the guy was trouble, so I snapped a picture of him when they weren't looking. Fortunately, I never seemed to find time to delete my old photos. It took me a while, but I found it. Here." She swiped through her phone until she found the picture and slid it across the table to him.
Kurt's mouth tightened as he picked up the phone and got a good look at the man in the photo.
"Do you know him?" Lida asked in surprise, taking note of Kurt's suddenly grim expression.
Oh, he knew him all right. Tom Carter. So he'd been right, the man had recognized Jane. And he had some explaining to do. His father's story came to mind, and he couldn't help but wonder if he had been the man that showed up in Clearfield as well. He certainly fit the description Bill Weller had given. "Would you mind emailing this photo to me?" Kurt asked. "I appreciate this, Lida."
"No problem. I'm glad I could help," she returned as she did as he'd asked. "I just wish I had done it sooner." She hesitated. "Could I . . . would you mind if I offered an observation?"
"Of course not," Kurt responded.
Lida nodded. "Look, I can't imagine why Taylor did what she did, or how devastating it must have been to you, but I'm sure she had good intentions, because she loved you more than life itself. I'd be willing to bet anything that she still does, even if she doesn't remember you yet. I hope you'll be able to forgive her and let go of the past, because what the two of you had was special. A love like yours doesn't come along all that often, and it's worth fighting for."
"I agree," Kurt said huskily, and Lida smiled at him. They talked for a few more minutes before she left for the airport to catch her flight home, Kurt promising to keep her updated and bring Taylor to visit her again one day, and then he headed to the office.
He was grinning like a fool as he drove, but he couldn't have wiped the smile off his face if he tried. Mayfair and this case be damned, it was time to take Borden's advice and come clean with Jane about their past, and then make her his again. She was the love of his life, after all.
And he couldn't wait to tell her so.