Levi

When the backdoor of the ice cream truck fell shut, I flinched. It was just a soft click, and yet it described what was going on inside me right now to perfection. A door closed. I might have not been able to put into words what was changing in this very moment, but I knew for sure that something was different than a mere minute ago.

A minute ago, when Eren was still here. With me. When my world had still been right. It was funny, actually, how you could be the happiest person on the entire planet one moment, and then simply fall to pieces the next. I guess fate was cruel like that. When Eren had come by at the end of my shift a little while ago, I couldn't believe it. Sure, he was the type to suddenly show up out of the blue, but after what had happened between us... I'd been pretty sure I'd managed to drive away even someone as persistent as him. It wouldn't have been a big surprise, either. I'd hurt him with my behavior. He had every right to be mad at me. And yet still, he'd never stopped messaging me, calling me... Countless times I'd asked myself why. Why me? Of all the people he could have, why did he want me? I knew I was far from easy to be with. I had my quirks. My faults. It was almost unreal how Eren seemed to love even my worst sides. That was probably the reason why I'd always questioned this relationship—because he was too good for me. He was too good for my insecurities, too good for my fucked up family drama. Back when my mom had ruined our first official date, he'd only meant to be there for me. To offer comfort when I needed it, just like the sweet boyfriend he was. I knew it now, and I'd known it then when I'd chosen to push him away. He'd offered me his shoulder to cry on, and how had I reacted to that? I'd gone and lashed out at him, like I always did. Maybe what had happened now was what I deserved. Maybe I should have seen it coming that I'd be the one to be left behind when it came down to it. Being with him had been so... Perfect. It had been so perfect that I hadn't wanted to see the reality that was seething just below the perfect surface. Maybe it was my mistake to believe I'd become someone important to Eren, someone he'd proudly introduce to his friends as his boyfriend. Maybe I should've known better. If I had, this wouldn't hurt so damn much. The truth was, Eren had been confronted with a choice tonight, and he hadn't chosen me. He'd denied not only me, but our entire relationship when his friends showed up—someone who should understand. From what he'd told me about his best friends, they were the kind of people who supported him no matter what. And he'd still... He'd still refused to be honest, even while I was sitting there right in front of him, naked and vulnerable and so damn naive. I'd trusted him. After everything that had happened tonight; after I'd given myself to him in public, at my damn workplace no less, he'd chosen to walk away. To leave me behind like the fucking picture of misery he'd made of me.

I pulled the flimsy blanket tighter around my shoulders and leaned back against the wall; trying to catch my breath. Trying to stop the tears that refused to die down ever since he'd left. It was useless to force myself to quit at this point, the harder I tried, the more they doubled in intensity. I was still stupid enough to try to make sense of the way he'd treated me, to make myself see his reasons. But what were his reasons, anyway? He didn't have to leave me here. He could have brought me along. He could have told them about our relationship. He could have stayed. Fuck, he could have done anything but this. Anything but leave me here on my own. Yes, the circumstances of Eren's friends finding out about us hadn't been ideal. It sucked to get caught in the act like we had, and I hadn't wanted this for Eren, not like that. But this mischance didn't mean he had to push me away and abandon me, only wrapped in a blanket that smelled like sweat and sex and him. God, when was the last time I'd felt this humiliated? Had I ever? The worst thing was that I felt so cheap; like a toy he'd used to pass the time while he was facing an entire summer by himself.

I snorted and cried into the moist blanket. Didn't he tell me he loved me? How much could he love me if he was capable of doing this to me?

Slowly, I felt the wetness he'd left me with leaking from between my legs, and suddenly I felt sick. I felt dirty. What I needed to do was get a grip on myself and go home. I couldn't stand spending another minute in this ice cream truck. If only my body would move the way I wanted it to. Everything in me felt exhausted to the point of simply shutting down. If only I could feel numb. Nothing at all. I'd rather put my feelings for Eren to sleep than having to feel them right now. After another couple of minutes had passed, I gingerly tried to get up on my feet, only to be wrestled down by a persistent pain spreading from my behind. God, this was the worst. He'd fucked me raw in this damn ice cream truck, and then abandoned me as soon as his friends showed up. Was that what friends did to each other? Because apparently, that was what I was to Eren. A friend. What a fucking joke. A humorless snort escaped me, only to be swallowed by a fresh set of pathetic sobs. In this moment, I just wished I could hurt him back. Just like he'd hurt me. He'd messed me up real good, and now I'd had enough. I was done. If someone had told me Eren would ever betray me like that, I'd have laughed at them. Or decked that person in the face. And now? Now the joke was on me. And that was when I realized that there was nothing he could possibly do or say to get me back. No apology he could use. Maybe I had my faults, and maybe I couldn't hold a candle to him when it came to a lot of things, but this? Never, ever would I hurt him like this. And I just knew that nothing I'd done before would justify why I deserved to be treated like that. It was hard to believe everything he'd said to me was never meant to be serious, but maybe he just hadn't known any better. Maybe he'd just wanted to believe all of this was real, just like I'd wanted to believe it. Well, it had been real for me. I'd have given my all for Eren, fought everything and everyone to be with him. Tonight had proven he didn't feel the same about me. If the road got bumpy, I was the one who ended up under the wheels. Eren might like me, but the way he did wasn't enough. We weren't on the same page in regards to how we felt for each other, and I knew that now. Was all of this my fault? Was this life teaching me a lesson? Maybe I should have never gotten involved with someone who wasn't out yet. It was so easy to promise someone the moon as long as nobody else knew about it. Now, when I thought about all the promises Eren had made to me, his eyes so fierce, I couldn't believe he never really meant any of it. Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but I wanted to believe that in those moments, he'd really meant to come out; to be with me. It had been naïve to think it would be easy. Even he had underestimated the pressure that came with it, and now I was the one who had to deal with all the promises he couldn't keep.

I fought the pain racing through my body and got up on wobbly legs. It took me a while to get dressed, but when I finally managed, I felt utterly exhausted from just this small task alone. Being in the ice cream truck, where I'd been with Eren just a few moments ago, didn't exactly help my mental state either. I grabbed the ice cream box he'd opened earlier, the one he'd used to... My face grew unbearably hot, and I hated the reaction I had to merely thinking about Eren and how good he'd made me feel just before he'd stabbed me in the back. None of this would hurt this much if I wasn't so madly in love with him. Shaking my head to chase the unwanted thoughts away, I put the ice cream into the cooler. Then I got to scrub the floor until it was squeaky clean, but not even my usual cleaning routine helped me to calm down this time around. I was still crying when I put the cleaning supplies away, and still crying when I got into the driver seat and headed for HQ to return the truck for the night. My vision was blurry. I knew I shouldn't drive in this condition, but I needed to finish my job and get home. I needed to pull through. Just until I was home. I'd figure out everything else then. I just needed to make it through this night.

After I'd spent an hour drifting in and out of conscience in the bathtub, I found myself beneath my covers without any knowledge of how I'd gotten there. My behind had been a bitch to clean up, and for a naïve second, I'd resolved to forbid Eren from ever going bare again. And then, I realized that none of this would ever happen again. Eren and me... It was over.

I'd dragged myself from the bathtub and spent what felt like hours lying in bed, staring at the ceiling above me. Both my body and my mind were hopelessly exhausted, but sleep wouldn't come to grant me relief. It was 1.34 a.m. in the morning when my phone went off beside me. As if in trance, I picked it up and checked the caller ID, only to have Eren's stupidly gorgeous smile flash across the screen. In response, I went into shock. At least, that must have been what it was, considering my breathing went into respiratory distress.

Why the hell was he calling me?

Didn't he realize what tonight had meant for us?

And... Should I pick up?

It was stupid to even consider the notion, but it wasn't easy to deny the chance to talk one more time. There were so many things I wanted to tell him. But what would any of that change? After what he'd done tonight, I wouldn't be with him anymore. I couldn't. This was over, and nothing he did or said would change that. I pressed "decline" and shoved the phone under my pillow. God, this was torture. I was fighting with myself, even though I shouldn't be. I hated myself for wanting to hear his voice just one more time, even if it would shatter me to pieces. But if he really didn't know that tonight's events had been the death sentence for us, I needed to tell him. He'd not quit calling me if I didn't. Dammit, that idiot had to know what he'd done. He had to know what this meant. Just then, the phone went off again. What was I supposed to do? I just wanted to deal with the mess that was left of me and get back on my feet, but how would I be able to do that if he kept contacting me?

I fished out the phone and before I knew it, I'd answered the call.

"Levi? Levi, is that you? Oh, thank god."

His voice sounded stressed and maybe just as exhausted as mine. There was silence in the background so I guessed he was home by now. Alone.

"Levi? Please... Talk to me?"

Oh god, why did he sound so broken? He had no right to. Not when he'd been the one holding all the cards.

Talking to someone had never been this hard. Simply forming a reply demanded all the strength I had left.

"Have you explained everything to your friends?"

"Oh, you're here! You're speaking... To me. After what I've done. Damn, Levi, please listen... I-I fucked up. Big time. I don't even know what I can do or say to make this up to you, but I am so sorry. I didn't know what I was doing, and I just wanted to explain everything to my friends. I'm so sorry... For leaving you back there. I should have never done that, but I... I just panicked. I cracked. And with the way the whole situation was escalating, I thought it would be best to take them away and give them what they wanted. I am the worst boyfriend ever, aren't I? Please... Tell me what I can do to earn your forgiveness?"

No. No, no, no. Please no.

I felt the tears coming before they reached my eyes. I could try to force them down, but by now, I knew the attempt would be in vain. I wanted nothing more than to be strong and end this like an adult, but when he said those things to me... It was so hard to go through with it. I blinked the tears away to the best of my ability and took a deep breath before I answered.

"Sure, Eren, I'll tell you what you can do."

"Yes? Tell me. I'll do anything."

"The answer is nothing. You hear me? There is absolutely nothing you can do to make this right again. I'm glad you managed to realize on your own how badly you've fucked up tonight, because I wouldn't want to be the one to tell you why I'm doing this."

"Do what, Levi?"

His voice was filled with terror. Fear. If only he knew how much this was hurting me, but I couldn't be gentle with him. I couldn't make this easy. I knew I'd never be able to let him go if I did.

"Eren..." Was I really going to do this? I could still back out. I could still accept his apology and be with him. "I..."

The possibility was so close that I could taste its sweet flavor on my tongue, and it would be so easy to give in. Just tell him I forgave him for leaving me behind when I needed him the most, just swallow the pain and hide the scars, because that would get me him, right?

Right?

Wrong. I just needed to pay attention to my feelings to know the answer. My trust in Eren, everything we'd built over the past weeks... It was broken. Gone. All he'd had to do was stand by me, to choose me. If I forgave him now, what would happen? He'd already decided to deny our relationship—to deny me—in front of his closest friends, what would happen when the time came to out himself to his parents? To the entire school? It wasn't worth the risk of getting hurt, again. He wasn't worthy of my trust. Not anymore. One moment he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever, the next I was just a friend. I didn't want to be with someone like that. I loved Eren, more than anything or anyone, but I couldn't have this relationship with him. I was far from perfect, but I deserved better than this. Which didn't mean that realizing that fact was not ripping me to pieces, no matter how right it may be.

"It's over. This friendship, like you called it, it's done. I'll tell you one thing, just so you know. Nobody has ever hurt me the way you hurt me tonight, Eren. I'd have expected rejection from anyone, from every single person on this entire damn planet, but not from you. Not from you. I know what you're going through right now, believe me, I do. I know how hard it is to come out. But I refuse to be collateral damage in this war of yours. If you can't stand by me through all of this, then you're not ready to have this relationship."

I was breathing hard by the time I finished, battling the tears that kept falling relentlessly. I wished I could just end the call and be done with this.

The line stayed quiet for a few moments. I checked my phone to see if it was still connected. And then, Eren began to cry. First softly, as if he was trying to hold back, and then he gave up and simply sobbed through the speaker. What was left of my heart broke right then.

"L-Levi," Eren sobbed, "I-I k-know I messed u-up... I-I don't deserve you... B-But if you give me j-just one more chance, I p-promise I'm going to d-do right by you. I love you. I love you m-more than anything, p-please... Believe me."

I wiped my own tears away, but when I answered this time, the tremble in my voice gave them away. I didn't care. There was no way I'd survive this conversation without crying over what I was losing.

"Oh Eren, I did. Don't you see that? I did believe you. With everything I had, I believed you, but you threw that away the first chance you got. I can't... I can't be with you. Not anymore. Tonight's been proof enough for me to know that."

"P-Please... Don't d-do this. I c-can make this right again, I promise. I-I can earn your trust back, and if it's the last thing I do. J-Just give me the chance to, I-I beg you."

"Eren, let's be honest. We are going back to school soon. It's going to happen again. Somehow, someway, someone will notice. It can be just a simple look and people will know. There's no way we can hide forever, and I don't want to. I can't live like this, always being cautious; always holding back; always pretending there's nothing going on between us. I thought I could. If it's you... I thought just being with you would be enough. But now I know it's not. I don't want to change you, Eren, or force you to do something you're not ready for. You should come out on your own terms, and it shouldn't be because of me or anyone else. And that's why we're stopping this, right here, while there's still time. While it's still summer."

"No..." Eren whispered. "I don't want to stop. I don't want to give you up, please... I can fix this. G-Give me the chance to, Levi, please, I-"

"No, I can't. I won't. I won't stick to the sidelines and have you introduce me as your friend ever again."

"L-Levi... Please. I... I love you."

"Sometimes, that's not enough."

"It can be. Please, just... Let me see you. I can drive over right now, just give me one chance to apologize in person. I just... I need to see you."

Good god. Of course he had to go there, as if he knew how damn weak I was to that suggestion. Seeing Eren right now... Just looking at him, being alone with him, just one last time... No. I couldn't allow that. I wasn't too proud to admit I'd cave in as soon as my eyes met those beautiful greens. My resolve would be rendered useless with a mere touch from him, and we both knew that. Doing this was hard enough as it was, meeting him on top of it all was sure to break me beyond repair.

"No, Eren. There's nothing to talk about. Please just... Don't make this any harder than it already is. I've made my decision and... Nothing you say can change that. I'm sorry."

"No, Levi, don't do this. Please, I... I can't lose you."

"You already have."

"LEVI!"

"Goodbye, Eren."

I dropped the phone on my mattress and stared at it as if it was a foreign object. I'd really done it, hadn't I? I'd broken up with Eren. There was no going back now. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I'd never felt so empty. If this was so right, why did it feel so wrong? Wasn't Eren the one who'd fucked this up? Why was I the one who hurt so damn much?

I'd held my own while talking to him on the phone, but now, in the silence of my room, everything became so painfully real. I'd loved and lost my first boyfriend, and now we were over. All the strength and confidence I'd displayed while talking to him began to bleed out of me, drop by drop, until there was nothing left. Nothing but the pain of losing the one person I loved the most. I buried my face in the pillow and just let go. I let out all the tears, the screams, the pain. I shuddered and convulsed with sobs until my muscles were hurting with exertion. Until I didn't know if I would ever stop crying again. Do you know how people who are about to take their last breath say they see their life flash before their eyes? Well, that was what happened to me, only that what I was seeing was every gentle touch, every whispered word, every sweet moment this summer had given me.

I had no idea how long I laid there, sobbing and clutching at my heart as if I could make all the pain stop just by holding it, but at some point, I must have fallen into an exhausted sleep. When I woke up the next day, the sun was already high in the sky, and my room was immersed in shades of gold. I sat up, feeling as if I'd aged at least fifty years overnight. My whole body ached as if I'd run a marathon and broken down somewhere in the middle of it, nobody caring enough to pick me up and deciding to just run me over instead. I stared out the window—at people who were out and about with their dogs and kids, at couples who were walking down the street holding hands—and wondered how the fuck the world could just run its usual course while I felt like blinking out of existence here inside my tiny room.

This was it, wasn't it? Today was day one after Eren, and I had no fucking idea how I'd be able to make it through one, much less all the others that came after.