"Eren! Can you just stop for a second and explain what the hell I just saw? Who is this? Why are you with him and what the fuck were you doing inside that truck?"

Mikasa shot question after question at me while I was half-running down the street. Why was I running? Because if I didn't, I'd turn on my heel and go straight back to that ice cream truck. Back to Levi.

"Eren! I said stop!"

I wheeled around and stared at her, my breathing erratic. The blood was rushing in my ears and everything she said felt like it was coming from miles away with the way my heart was throbbing through my body. If only I could grasp one of the emotions exploding through me right now—just one—so I knew where to start dealing with this meltdown. Thousands of different things were speeding through me at a mind-numbing pace and for a second, I felt the urge to scream, just to release some of the pressure stringing me tight.

Mikasa took a step closer to me and without realizing it, I backed away.

"Eren? Eren, are you even listening to me?"

"Mikasa, please! Can you just please be quiet for one minute?"

My hand flew to my mouth, my eyes bulging. Why was I screaming? Just why the hell was I screaming at my best friend? I gaped at her through glassy eyes and found her looking just as stunned as I felt.

"God... Shit... I-I'm sorry, I don't know why I d-did that..."

How did standing on two feet work again? How did breathing work again?

My gaze fluttered to the direction we 'd come from. I might have not known what to do, but what I did know was that I needed to go back. I'd made a terrible mistake, but maybe it wasn't too late to fix my mess.

"I..." I began, voice brittle. "I need to go back."

They were my best friends and they deserved an explanation, but Levi... Levi was my everything. I couldn 't leave him back there; he was the one I needed to be with right now. My mind made up, I began hurrying back towards the truck, but was stopped in my tracks when a strong hand wrapped around my arm and pulled me back.

"You're not going anywhere," Mikasa said. Her tone brooked no argument. "Not until you explain what happened while we were away."

I stood there, my mind pinwheeling around itself and yet not offering a single idea what to do. What I wanted to do was leave. Just go back to Levi and deal with whatever storm was brewing on the horizon tomorrow. But when I looked at them, their eyes big and confused and so vulnerable, I knew I couldn 't just leave them here like this. All they did was care for me. I couldn't leave them in the dark about what was probably the most important event of my life. I couldn't disappoint them like this.

There was this evil, little voice in my head, whispering 'but you did it to Levi, didn't you?' and just hearing the bitter truth made me want to throw away my decision to stay and go back after all. I slipped my hands into my hair and pulled on the strands, as if the pain would somehow make this any easier.

"Eren." Armin stepped in front of me, his hands reaching for mine, guiding them out of my hair and holding them tight in his own.

"Hey," he whispered softly, taking a step closer and searching my eyes. "What is it? You can tell us, you know that. I've never seen you this upset before, and it's driving me crazy right now. Can you tell us what happened? Please."

"Fine," I finally conceded. I could at least clear up one mess tonight. I just hoped Levi would understand the current situation and accept my apology later.

"Come on," Armin said, linking his fingers with mine and pulling me down the street. My mind was reeling too much to pay attention to where we were headed, so I just followed them through the neighborhood. Fifteen minutes later, a huge blinking sign came into view. The Trost Diner. It didn't really matter to me where we'd have our talk, as long as it wasn't in the middle of the street. As we went to the entrance, I was relived we weren't doing it at my place, either. There were too many memories of Levi and me in that house, and recounting everything that had happened over the course of the summer would rekindle all of them.

We passed the tables by the door, Armin leading me to the very back. Finally, we sat down in the worn red seats, Armin and Mikasa across from me. A platinum blonde waitress appeared a few moments later, pulling a notepad from her apron and giving us a bright smile.

"What can I get you guys?"

"Coffee, please," Mikasa said.

"I'll take a strawberry milkshake," Armin said.

The waitress noted their orders and looked at me. It took me a few seconds to realize she were waiting for my order and then I began to stutter like an idiot. "Uhm, I... I..."

It was just a stupid order, for god's sake, and yet here I was, incapable of focusing on the easy task of what the hell I wanted to drink. It was a prime example of just how messed up I was after everything that had happened in the past thirty minutes.

Thankfully, Armin decided to save me from my misery by chiming in. "He'll have a chocolate milkshake."

The waitress threw me a mildly worried look and for a moment, I thought she'd ask if I was okay, to which I'd have probably broken out in tears. But she just nodded, put the order on her notepad and turned around to get our drinks.

I leaned back into the cushioned bench and wished I could just disappear into the fabric. What I needed to do was get a grip on myself and put my head into this conversation. This was my chance to come clean about everything that had happened between Levi and me, along with where we currently stood with each other. It didn't matter how bad I wanted to get out of the diner and run for my boyfriend, now I was here and had to set this straight.

My friends gave me a few moments to gather my thoughts. When I thought I was ready to start, our drinks came and I was glad to have at least a milkshake to help me through this. Playing around with the pink-and-white colored straw that came with it, creating small twirls in the liquid and watching them dissipate somehow had a soothing effect on me.

I sipped on the creamy shake and allowed myself a moment to relish the chocolaty taste on my tongue before I got down to action.

"Okay, so..." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I re-opened them, I found two sets of eyes looking straight at me, ready to listen to my every word. That alone was enough to make my nerves rear once again, but I forced them down and continued to speak. "The guy you've seen back there in the truck with me... His name is Levi. The reason we were inside that truck is because he's working it over the summer. That's how we met. It was a few weeks ago, on the day my parents left for vacation."

Images of the time I first met Levi inside the tiny ice cream truck, wearing this adorable sailor uniform of his, flashed through my mind. Just remembering those sweet first days was enough to make my feelings for Levi flare with a vengeance. It was surprisingly hard not to tell my friends about every tiny little thing in meticulous detail; to share everything I loved about him, just so they'd understand how much he meant to me. So they could see him the way I saw him, because then they'd know why it was a sheer impossibility not to fall for him.

"When I saw him," I continued quietly, "Something changed. From the first moment, I realized he was different. Different than anyone I've ever met. He had this special air about him... it's difficult to describe but I guess it's like a special attraction, you know? No matter how much you try to defy it or how often you tell yourself it's all in your head, it won't fade. Not until you decide to stop fighting it. I found myself wanting to see him, talk to him, just be close to him every chance I got. At first, I was trying to make myself believe that he was just someone new and exciting to get to know since I was by myself all the time. But the more time I spent with him, the more I realized it wasn't the charm of novelty about him, but him as a person. I wanted to get to know him, find out everything there is to know, not matter how small or inconsequential... So I made that decision. I decided to stop resisting. I let it happen, and after that, everything moved so fast. As soon as I opened myself up to all these feelings, I fell for him, every day a little more." I smiled softly, utterly caught up in my thoughts. Speaking about everything I felt for Levi felt surprisingly liberating and with every word that left my lips, I realized how true each one of them was. I took a sip from my milkshake, not daring to look up and meet Mikasa or Armin's eyes. I was too scared I'd lose my courage if I did. So instead, I fixed my gaze on the straw and continued.

"I told him about my feelings and asked him out on a date. God, my heart was pounding so hard when I did. When he agreed, I thought I'd ascend straight to heaven and thank god for granting me this much." I laughed at how sentimental that sounded and wiped at my eyes. "We had dinner at my place. It was so romantic; you should have seen it. I cooked! Me! And I put out candles and held his hand. It was... perfect. Just like I imagined my first date to be. He stayed over that night and we... we..." I trailed off, flushing bright red. My reaction probably didn't leave much to the imagination, but Mikasa still gasped. Her hand rushed over the table to grab mine, forcing my eyes to snap up to hers.

"Eren, you... You... You've gone all the way with him?"

Averting my gaze, I stared down at where my hand was intertwined with hers and squeezed it tight. "Yes. Yes, I did. More than once."

She pulled her hand away and fell back against the cushion, her eyes darting around in search of what to say. Armin sat there, gazing at me intently without saying anything.

"Wow..." Mikasa breathed. "I... I don't know what to say... What about Annie? I thought you were going to ask her out this year?"

"I thought I liked her like that. But... Meeting Levi put everything into perspective. The way I like her does not even compare to the way I like Levi, not in the slightest. I know now that what I thought I have with her is nothing more than friendship. Nothing but amicable feelings, and that's all it is. That's all it ever was."

There was a spark of something fluttering through Mikasa's eyes at that, but it was gone too soon to decipher what it was.

"So, you... like boys?"

"Yes," I admitted. It felt so liberating to say it out loud. "I think I've known for quite some time. It's just that there hasn't been anybody who made me act on it. Not until now. Not until Levi. He's... We're together. I'm serious about him."

I threaded my hands together in my lap and lifted my head to finally look properly at the both of them. Mikasa seemed to be deep in thought, her usually impassive face caught somewhere between incredulity and shock. It was the polar opposite to Armin, who gave me a gentle smile, his light blue eyes softer than I'd ever seen them before.

"I'm so glad you finally told us, Eren."

A shiver ran down my spine and I trained my gaze on him, whispering, "You knew?"

He propped his chin on his palm and nodded. "I had a feeling. You were subtle about it, but if someone who knows you like I know you pays close attention, it's actually pretty obvious."

"Obvious?" Mikasa perked up. "Excuse me, but I know Eren just as well as you do, and I never noticed anything."

"That's because you didn't know how to look for the signs."

Her lips pressed into a tight line and she crossed her arms. "I can't believe I didn't know about something this important to you, Eren. Why didn't you tell us sooner? Why... did we have to find out like this?"

Her eyes welled up with tears, but she was quick to wipe them away, her accusatory gaze fixing on me. The hurt in it was obvious and sliced right through me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I wasn't one hundred percent sure whether I was gay and I figured I'd just see how it would develop. You weren't there when I met Levi and I was so caught up in him that I didn't think about telling you, or anyone else for that matter. It's also not exactly something I'd want to do over the phone. I wanted to tell you as soon as you came back, but then you turned up tonight and caught us in the act and... I'm sorry. I never meant for you to find out like this. I'm so sorry."

My eyes burned with unshed tears. Three of the most important people in my life, and I'd managed to disappoint all of them in only one night.

Somewhere at my periphery, I noticed Armin slipping out of his bench and coming over to sit next to me. His arm slid around my shoulders and hugged me tight to his side. Even though I knew I didn't deserve his compassion, I greedily took it and let myself fall into his embrace. I hadn't even known how much I needed the proximity until it was given to me and all I could do was hold onto it like a lifeline.

"It's okay, Eren," Armin said, his cheek pressing against mine, "I can only imagine what you must be going through right now. Falling for a boy without being sure whether you like guys, being on the verge of coming out... I'm just glad you told us. I don't want you to go through this alone. We'll stand by you, Eren. Even if everything around you changes, our friendship never will."

It was the last drop I needed in order to brim over with all the emotions that were struggling inside me. Burying my face in the crook of Armin's neck, I began to cry softly, drenching his shirt with warm tears. He stroked my back and held me until the shudders slowly subsided.

"I should have never left him there," I whispered, a stray tear running down my cheek and dropping from my chin. "I should have stayed with him... But I just wanted to explain to you. I couldn't just send you away after what happened."

Armin gave my arm a final squeeze before he turned in his seat and grabbed my shoulders, his eyes boring into mine. "Go back. Go back to him and explain. Go now."

My heart pounded inside my chest. I watched Armin with big eyes, my legs already on the verge of running out of the diner. But before I allowed them to carry me off, I glanced at Mikasa. She nodded at me.

"Go," she whispered.

It was all the encouragement I needed. Jumping up from my seat, I looked at them one last time, mouthing a heart-felt 'thank you' before I rushed out the door and in the direction of the ice cream truck. I'd never run faster in my life. Every nerve inside my body was strung tight with anticipation and fear, but when I rounded the corner, my heart plummeted into nothingness. The truck was gone.

I came closer, looking every which way as if it was playing hide and seek and I just had to look close enough to find it. I couldn't believe it; wouldn't believe it.

Levi was gone. I was too late.

No. I couldn't give up yet. It was the middle of the night, so he'd probably returned the ice cream truck and gone home, but that didn't mean I couldn't still reach him. I started running again, this time for my house. My lungs were burning with every breath I took, but I wouldn't slow down. When my house came into view, I doubled my pace and forced my legs to move faster. I almost broke down the door in my attempt to get inside, kicking off my shoes when I finally did and heading straight for my room. I plugged in my dead phone and waited for it to power up. The progress bar was daunting me, every second that went by making it harder to breathe.

Please let him be awake.

The device lit up to the lock screen and I quickly typed in my code, messing up twice before I finally got it right.

Please, Levi. Let us be okay.

I went into my contacts and found his name, clicking it and putting the phone to my ear. When I heard the ringing sound, I bit into my fist and released a relieved sigh into it. His phone wasn't turned off. There was still a chance he'd hear it and pick up to talk.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

It rang two more times before it cut off, going to voicemail. Damn! This night couldn't be over until I talked to him. I wouldn't allow this day to end like this.

I took a deep breath, ignoring the tears of despair pricking my eyes and dialed his number again.

Please, Levi. Please pick up.

I repeated the same phrase over and over again, like a mantra. Like a prayer I hoped would reach him, even if he was miles away.

On the very last ring, the line clicked and I knew it had connected. I sent a silent prayer of thanks to whatever deity might hear while I listened to Levi's soft breathing on the other end of the line.

"Levi?" I whispered, barely audible. "Levi, is that you? Oh, thank god."

"Hello? Still alive in there?"

A small foot poked my side, making me groan at the unpleasant sensation.

"Go away."

"Lovely," Mikasa huffed. Seeing as I was currently wrapped in the thickest blanket cocoon the world had ever seen (and in the process of suffocating myself with it), I couldn't see the expression she made. If I had to guess though, I was pretty sure she was crossing her arms and glaring at the blanket wrap, as if that was enough to make me come out and face anyone.

"Come on, Eren. It's been a week. This is not like you at all," Mikasa continued in this tone of hers that was caught somewhere between annoyance and worry.

"Well, I want to see you losing the love of your life and acting just like your usual self, Mikasa," I groaned into the direction I suspected her to be in.

Mikasa harrumphed, but stayed quiet otherwise.

"Well, at least he's talking. A bit," Armin interjected.

Yeah right, and wasn't that an improvement?

For the first five days after that day, after the phone call, and after knowing I'd lost Levi for good, I didn't speak. Not one single word to anybody, not even to Zeke. All I wanted to do was sleep and only wake up when Levi would be the one to kiss me awake. How I was feeling right now… I had no idea how long I'd be able to go on like this. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I couldn't even get up and leave this damn bed. Not even the times I dozed off from sleep loss and exhaustion offered any reprieve, as I'd always, always dream about him. I could watch the goriest horror movies in existence just before I went to sleep, but even the residual images and sinister feelings they left me with weren't enough to chase him out of my dreams. At first, I was sure this was life granting me a last thread of luck. If I couldn't be with him during the day, I could at least see him when I closed my eyes, right? The fact that none of it was real did nothing to diminish the beauty of it. I could touch him, smell him, taste him. I could make a silly joke and hear his wonderful laugh in return. I could kiss him and watch his cheeks dust this drop-dead gorgeous shade of pink I loved so much. Feel his skin grow warm beneath my fingertips, his body searching mine as if by chance.

Yes, it was beautiful and it was a buoy of happiness I clung to, despite knowing it was nothing more than an illusion. One that was gone as soon as I opened my eyes to find myself back in what was now my reality—a world without Levi.

And I was responsible for it. All of it was my fault. How often had I wanted to call or text him ever since he'd called it off? Far too often to count. Even if I managed to pick up the phone, what would I tell him? I'm sorry for breaking your heart? Forgive me for betraying your trust? Please give me another chance?

I had no right to ask him for anything. He could treat me as if I didn't exist for the rest of our lives and it would be just what I deserved. I might not be the type to give up on somebody he loved without putting up one hell of a fight, but now... I felt worthless and ashamed. I wanted to fight for Levi because I knew nobody would ever love him like I did, but was that even true? What I wanted was for him to be happy. There had been a time when I was certain I'd be the one to make him happy, but now? I wasn't so sure anymore. I'd hurt him in a way I wouldn't be able to take back, and even if I never meant to, it didn't change the fact that I had. It hurt so much to consider, but maybe I wasn't the right one for Levi. Now that I knew him, I knew that what he deserved was the best. Someone who'd lay his entire world at his feet.

Was that what I had done?

No.

I'd left him naked and stranded after fucking him in public. That was what I'd done. God, I wanted to die. Nothing more. I wanted someone to walk through the door and punch me into the ground. I'd always thought of myself as a decent person, but the way I'd treated Levi, someone I loved with all my heart, said something entirely different about me. That I'd been capable of doing this to him led me to doubt everything I thought I knew about myself. He'd told me I wasn't ready to have a relationship with him. I was starting to think that maybe, he was right. Maybe I wasn't ready to be anyone's boyfriend. It hurt me so much that Levi had to be the one to find out first hand. His family was putting him through hell and back, what he didn't need was a boyfriend who abandoned him when he needed him. Just like I'd done.

"Mikasa," I groaned into the blanket, hoping she'd be able to hear me through two miles of fabric, "Will you knock me out cold for the next year? Please?"

"Eren, that's the sixth time you've asked me that and my answer is still the same. No, I won't knock you out, especially not for an entire year. Why? Because you wouldn't be out cold, you would be dead."

"That's the plan," I said.

I thought about Levi and how much I wanted to have him here inside the blankets with me, calling me a sappy idiot even while he snuggled into my chest and placed dozens of little kisses to the underside of my jaw. Fresh tears began to sting my eyes and I did nothing to stop them. I'd learned long ago that fighting them would only prolong the crying fit, which I neither wanted nor had the strength for. At least the blankets muffled my sobs, which was why I didn't mind that I didn't get nearly enough air to breathe. Suddenly, someone began to pull on the blankets, ripping them away from me. I tried holding on, but the attempt was pathetic at best and soon enough, I was surrounded by sunlight and my best friends' teary-eyed faces. All it took was one look at them and then they were on me. Armin pulled me into his arms, Mikasa wrapping us both in a tight hug as I began to cry in earnest. Burying my face in the crook of Armin's neck, I cried until my tear glands threw in the towel and my body shuddered with dry heaves. Until my friends were the only ones who held me upright.

"Eren, look at me," Armin said, his hands cupping my face and coercing me to meet his fierce blue eyes. It was then that I realized he was crying as well, yet his voice was strong and unwavering when he said, "This is not the end, you hear me? You are Eren Jeager, the most persistent hothead I know. Curling up in a mountain of blankets and crying over the mess you've made is not who you are. You don't give up. It's not in your nature. Yes, you made a mistake. You've driven Levi away, but this is not the point where you're stopping. This is the point where you get back up on your feet, even if it hurts, and fight for the guy you love."

I stared at him, lost and torn. His words resonated with something I'd thought to be dead and buried when Levi told me we were over; something I'd given up on when I realized I wasn't worthy of being his boyfriend. It was the faith that had made me confess to Levi in the first place; the belief to be the right one for Levi. Even if it was hard to imagine at this point, maybe I could still be the one for him. Maybe I was still that person who loved Levi more than anyone else ever could, and maybe I wasn't supposed to let him go. Not as long as I hadn't tried everything in my power to win him back. If there was still a chance, a tiny little chance that he wanted me, I had to fight. He had to know how much I regretted my mistake and how badly I wanted him back at my side. My chest was inflating with this stupid little thing called hope, but when I realized how much and how fast I was clinging to it, I began to hesitate.

As soon as the spark had come, it was gone again. I dropped back onto the bed and instead of taking the initiative and fight, like Armin had suggested, I teared up again. It might be true that I was a fighter at heart, but even my fighting spirit knew when I had fucked up so bad that there was nothing left to fight for. This wasn't even an uphill battle, there was no battle. Levi had told me to accept his decision. Shouldn't it be my last sign of respect towards him to do what he'd asked of me? I didn't want to hurt him more than I already had and chasing him when he didn't want me to was nothing but selfish. Maybe I should just stay away and let him get on with his life. It was his right to end things after what I'd done to him, and if I tried to win him back, I'd probably only hurt him again. I'd keep him from moving on from... me.

"Or..." Mikasa began, "Maybe it's better this way. I'm not saying what you did to Levi is okay. But let's be honest, he's right. You had the chance to stand by him, but you—be it impulsive or not—decided not to. Isn't that a sign? I mean, imagine coming out to everyone you know, to your family and all the people at school... Maybe it's too soon. This is a huge step and it will change everything. Maybe you ought to give yourself more time. I'm not stupid. I can see how much you love this boy. But I just want what's best for you, Eren. I want to protect you from everything that could hurt you and I can't help feeling that this relationship is one of those things."

I stayed quiet while I contemplated her words; words I'd turned over and dissected in my head ever since the phone call I had with Levi. Was it too soon? Coming out was a daunting thing and I was scared about everything that would come after. But it would be daunting next year, and it would be daunting in ten years. The truth was that I was gay and that I was in love with Levi and wanted to be with him, no matter what. Keeping the truth to myself felt like lying, not only to myself but everyone around me. It was like keeping a secret that would tear me apart piece by piece, every day a bit more, until there was nothing left. Even facing everything that came along with it, I knew I couldn't keep this to myself. I wanted people to know about me. Deep down, I knew I'd made that decision long ago; on the back of my truck when I promised Levi I was ready. Despite how I behaved tonight, I was ready. And I would prove it.

"I know you want to protect me, Mikasa. And I know coming out is going to change my life, but that's what I want. I want to be honest, and this is what it means to be honest. I don't want to keep this to myself anymore. This is what I am, and if people don't accept me, so be it. At least I won't have to carry the burden of lying to everyone around me. I've made my decision to come out quite some time ago and that won't change."

Mikasa looked at me intently and for a moment, I thought she'd object. Luckily, she knew me well enough to understand I was dead serious. She knew better than to argue with me when my mind was set on something.

Replaying my words in my head made my throat constrict again. I knew I wanted to come out, I'd made my decision, so why didn't I stand by Levi when I was confronted with it? Because I'd been stupid and overwhelmed, and now I'd hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt.

Armin and Mikasa exchanged a look as I sat there, lips quivering, shoulders trembling. When I grabbed a frilly blue pillow and starting crying into it, Mikasa took a deep breath and sat by my feet, patting my knee, while Armin leaned in to rub soothing circles on my back.

"Maybe we should start with something easy?" Armin mused.

"Like?" Mikasa asked. Her voice sounded defeated, as if she couldn't fathom what to do next.

"Like going out, for example," Armin continued. "I hate to break it to you, Eren, but summer won't last forever. You have to go out at some point. Plus, a change of scenery is just what you need right now. It doesn't have to be something overly crowded... Let's see... How about Rose Café? You love their Chai Latte frappés!"

I did love their Chai Latte frappés, but that didn't mean I could imagine getting up and dressed, let alone leaving the safety of my own four walls and heading out to be around actual people.

I shook my head. "No, I'm really not in the mood to go out."

"Come on!" Armin continued, "Just for a bit. One hour. All I'm asking for is one hour. We'll have a nice walk there, then get delicious frappes and enjoy the nice weather outside. It's the best way to get some distraction."

That did the trick, kind of. Distraction... I was longing for it. All I wanted was something that would take my mind off the pain, even if it was just for a little bit, and allow me to breathe again.

Armin caught up on my piqued interest and slid his arm around my shoulders. "It's going to be great, you'll see! Let's get out for a bit, okay? We can always come back if it gets too much. I promise neither of us will force you to stay."

Okay, that actually sounded... nice. I could always come back if I felt like breaking out in tears again, and even if I couldn't imagine anything being able to numb the pain I was going through, maybe it would at least help with it. For today.

"Okay..." I said quietly, wiping my tears on the already wet pillow.

Armin bumped his fist in the air and squeezed me once more before he got up and opened the door to the small en-suite bathroom. I got to my feet, wobbling briefly due to being unaccustomed to standing on two legs again, but caught myself and straightened my back. Once I'd passed the door and began to gingerly strip out of my overused clothes, Armin joined me and held up a brown paper-wrapped package that smelled of mint and fuchsia.

"I got you something," Armin smiled.

I took the small package and turned it around. As soon as I read the brand name printed on the front, my eyes teared up again. It was hard to believe there was still any tear fluid left by now.

It was from Lush.

"Hey, you okay?" Armin asked uncertainly. "You mentioned you'd become obsessed with their stuff recently, so I thought you'd like it."

Yeah, I had become obsessed with their stuff. What neither Armin nor Mikasa knew was the reason why. A vivid memory of Levi in the bathtub bloomed in my mind, smiling over a dissolving bath bomb, catching the multi-colored foam in his hands only to blow it in my face and laugh at my stunned expression.

I held the package to my chest and closed my eyes, cherishing the memory.

"Thank you, Armin," I whispered. "This means so much."