Levi

I shifted slightly, ignoring the pain in my chest and wrapping the blanket tighter around myself. All I ever did these days was feel cold. It had taken a few miserable days to realize that neither layering sweaters nor a dozen blankets could chase that feeling away. A few miserable days to realize the cold did not come from an external source, but from the inside. From me, and I had yet to figure out how to get rid of something that seemed to spread from deep within. Peeking out from under the blanket, my bleary eyes fluttered to the window, noticing the soft golds and purples of dawn beneath the drawn curtains. Another night had passed.

Somewhere along the way, I'd lost track of time. It could have been day, night, morning, evening—I wouldn't have known. Neither would I have cared. My body had decided to quit service. The wide array of bodily functions I usually called my own was now reduced to two things: breathing and crying. Little of the first, lots of the latter. I was so sick of it, all I wanted was to be done, for fuck's sake. If a genie were to appear in front of me right now, I'd only ask them to make it stop. To make the pain go away, to feel okay again. I should know better than to believe I could get over Eren in a few measly days, but heavens, did I want to. How often had I tried to stupidly convince myself I hadn't really fallen that hard for Eren? That I'd only talked myself into believing what I felt for him was love, just because I was desperately grasping for any straw that would make this easier? If I'd only imagined the intensity of those feelings from the start, it would be so much easier to let go. It would be just a summer fling, right?

If only I'd accomplished persuading myself that none of it had been real. If only one of these lame pretenses had been good enough to convince me, because even if I'd promised I would never forget this summer, I'd reached a point where I was up to anything just to be able to breathe again. Losing him felt like a hand around my neck, squeezing tight on bad days and suffocating me on worse. How could I make it through this if I was too weak to fight? If I was too hurt to heal? Would time tell? Because it sure as hell looked like all that 'time heals all wounds' crap didn't work on me.

Turning my head, I buried my face in the soft fabric of my pillow and huffed into it in defeat. Almost unconsciously, my hand wandered down my upper body, slipping under the hem of my shirt and the waistband of my sweats.

There it was. The skin was smooth beneath my fingertips and yet still, I could feel it as if it was not in my skin but on it, just waiting to be touched. I knew the tattoo's design by heart now, knew where I needed to put my finger to trace the wing's delicate outline. Despite the hopelessness of my situation, an involuntary smile found its way on my lips, even while my eyes were brimming with fresh tears.

I hated it. I loved it. I wanted to scratch the ink off my skin just as much as I wanted to guard it from any exposure that might cause it to tarnish.

God. I was so pathetic.

I cried silently, even while there was no one around to see or hear me. Nobody who lived in this apartment cared anyway. They were probably clinking glasses over my loss. After all, it was just what they wanted and now they had gotten it. The thought alone irked me to no end.

At some point, I must have slipped into a restless sleep, because the next thing I knew was that I woke with a jolt when the door to my room opened. Something akin to curiosity began to stir in me, but died down soon enough. Whoever it was, I didn't care enough to move. I just wanted them to leave, so it was probably best to pretend I was still asleep.

"Levi?" My stomach unclenched a little when I recognized my best friend's gentle voice. "Levi, are you asleep?"

It was my chance to avoid conversation and knowing Isabel, she was giving it willingly. All I wanted was to be alone, but then I stirred and threw a look over my shoulder without meaning to. Maybe I did need company more than I wanted to admit.

"Hey," she said quietly as she sat down on my bed. A moment later, her hand slipped into my hair and brushed a few stray strands out of my tear-streaked face. "How are you feeling?"

I shrugged and turned away, even though hiding from her was futile. That night when everything had fallen apart in the blink of an eye, she'd seen me at my worst. At my all time low. She'd picked up all the things I'd thrown around when I ran riot through my room, held me when I screamed, broke down with me when I cried. She'd called Farlan, who put me to bed and held my hand when I cried myself to sleep; who stayed the night sitting on the floor just to avoid letting go of my hand, face buried in the sheets, hair a blonde mess on top of his head. Since then, they'd come by every day, trying to help me pick up the pieces.

"Like shit," I whispered, voice rough and almost unrecognizable.

A large hand gave my shoulder a soft squeeze, followed by a quiet "hey". Farlan was with her and I was glad for it. They were the only people I could fathom having close to me right now. I'd always thought that I was the type who'd suffer through heartbreak alone, but as it turned out, I wasn't. At least not entirely. Who knew what would've happened to me if it weren't for them. They'd been the one constant I held onto as everything else twisted and turned before starting to spin out of control for good.

The bed dipped with an additional weight and then there was a hand massaging slow circles into the hard skin on my neck. A small sigh left my lips. I wanted to lean into it and drift back to sleep, but it seemed as if my friends had other plans.

"Do you know what day it is today?" Isabel asked, fingers still combing through my barely clean hair.

I gave a resigned half-shrug. Did it matter? I had nothing to do anyway, no one to meet. Why would I care what day, month or year it was? Fall would come around eventually and then I'd have to get up, put on a brave face and act like a well-functioning human being. Just thinking about that made me want to cry again. To my luck, fall wasn't here, not yet. For the moment, it was still summer. All I had to do was breathe in and breathe out, nothing else. Just breathe.

"It's Friday, Levi. You know what that means?" Isabel asked quietly.

"It means it's been a week. An entire week you've spent in this bed, Levi," Farlan answered for me. "Don't you think it's time to... you know, think about moving on?"

"Farlan!" Isabel hissed. "Don't be such an insensitive ass! Never mind him, Levi. He just doesn't know what to do without you."

"Well, excuse me! Somebody has to say it!" Farlan shot back, "It's our job to make sure he gets through this alive and spending all day in bed to wallow in the pain won't solve anything. It will not get better like this, Levi, I know it won't. You need a distraction. Something to get your mind off this asshole."

Maybe he was right. Maybe he wasn't. I couldn't imagine a single thing that would make things easier, let alone better. And I was not saying that because I had tried whatever came to mind, but because I didn't know where I'd possibly take the strength to get up and pretend I was ready to operate.

I felt their eyes on me, so I grabbed the blanket and pulled it over my shoulder in a feeble attempt to hide away. "No, thanks."

Farlan sighed. "Fine. Your call, but then let me at least draw you a bath."

A bath... how I used to love those. My go-to ritual to relax and recharge, to let go of all the tension and the doubts and the insecurities. As well as something I'd shared with him. He'd done it for me, so often that he started to love it just as much as I did, probably because it was another thing we did together. After all the wild love that had lasted for what felt like hours, that was what we'd do, just slide into a tub filled with warmth and soap bubbles and lie in each other's arms, sharing little kisses and tender touches every second of it. It was another opportunity to be close, another chance to touch and feel, only without the tint of desperation or the lick of urgency that accompanied every time we were intimate with each other. It was the contentment that came after, the sweet afterglow. The quiet moments in which everything became real and I noted how lucky I was to have been granted a summer like this and a boy like him.

Actually, I'd believed my heart to be either dead or numbed until well into next year, but thinking about him mapping my ribs with his thumbs and kissing the curve of my shoulder while I ran my fingers through the colored twirls and scented bubbles in the bath water was enough to convince me of the opposite. There had to be at least some small nerve tract alive somewhere in there, otherwise I wouldn't feel this. This pain that was like a knife slicing through all of me like butter, reminding me that I had a long way to go before I was out of the woods.

"Yeah," I mumbled, still not entirely ready to shake off the memory, "A bath would be nice."

Both Farlan and Isabel gave a relieved sigh and I wondered if I was really in such dire need for a cleanup. It was funny actually, cleaning and everything connected to it was such an important part of me, yet I'd simply not cared about it since... that day. In light of what had happened, it had lost its significance. Which was probably why I didn't really care that my hair was gross and my clothes were dirty. Now that my friends pointed it out to me, I realized that it was high time I got a much needed grip on myself and took care of a few basic human needs.

Farlan left my side and walked down the hallway, most likely to prepare my bath, while Isabel opened my wardrobe and went through neatly folded clothes and underwear ordered by color to get me something fresh to change into.

"It's really nice outside today," Isabel hummed as she took a t-shirt and eyed it before putting it back inside and continuing her search, "I was thinking that we should head out for a bit, enjoy the last bit of summer we have left, you know?"

I turned around and pushed the blanket from my face to throw a suspicious glance at her, but she had turned away and was back to browsing through my clothes. How convenient. Apparently, they thought that if they mentioned it in passing without making a big deal out of it, I'd be more open to trade the dim solitude of my room for the bright summer sun beyond these four walls. Nice try, but I was far away from leaving my room anytime soon.

I opened my mouth to tell her that, but was interrupted by Farlan poking his head into the room, a delighted grin on his lips. "All done!"

He came to my side and reached out his hand. "Can you walk or do you want me to carry you?"

I snorted and glared at him. "I'm not an imbecile, even if I feel like one. I can walk just fine, thank you very much."

Sitting up tore a pitiful groan from my throat, followed by a sharp sting shooting through my body. God, maybe I'd actually become impaired in some way. Didn't some people swear true heartbreak was like an actual sickness?

"Looks like I am getting to carry you after all," Farlan smirked, looking more than just a little pleased with himself. That bastard. I was not exactly keen on humoring him, but it seemed like I didn't have much of a choice. Not if I wanted to get into that bathtub at some point within the next two years. I gave in with a huge sigh before reaching out my hands, impatiently wiggling my fingers at him.

"Don't even act like you're not dying to do this," I remarked, "You've loved carrying me around since we were little."

An indecipherable emotion crossed Farlan's features at that, making me wonder if I'd said something wrong. But then his lips parted with a tender smile that seemed almost wistful.

"I can't believe you remember that." His smile grew wider and there was a tiny flicker of something passing through the intense blue of his eyes. The moment felt strangely intimate to me. Despite believing there was nothing about Farlan I didn't know after fifteen years of being close friends, this was different. This felt like uncharted territory between us and I didn't know what to make of that.

The moment passed and before I could dwell on it, Farlan's arms slipped around my body and lifted me from the bed as if I weighed nothing at all.

"Up we go." He grinned down at me and suddenly I became hyperaware of how tight he was holding me. I gulped and crossed my arms.

"Just get this over with, Far."

We left my room and walked down the hallway. Instantly, I was distracted by the divine scent wafting from the open bathroom door. It was a mix of mint and magnolia, refreshing and sweet. If I was correct, it was the last bath bomb I had left in my stock.

My eyes drooped as I focused on the scent, relaxing with every step we took towards its source. When we reached the bathroom, where it was most intense, and I laid eyes on the bathtub filled to the brim with crystalline pink bubbles, I released a longing sigh. Blushing, I wiggled around to alert Farlan to my ascend from his embrace. He hesitantly gave in and put me on my feet.

"Thanks," I said, lifting the rim of my shirt and slipping it over my head. I put it in the woven hamper in the corner and undid the ties at the front of my sweats. Farlan just stood there, a contemplative expression on his face as he watched me.

"Far? Thanks, I can take it from here."

"Oh yes!" he seemed to snap out of a daze, his high cheekbones dusting a soft rosé. "I'll just… Go. Yeah. I'll go."

He turned stiffly and headed out, pulling the door shut behind him. What had that been all about? Maybe it was my body. I'd lost weight during the past week and it was possible it was starting to show.

Deciding to avoid thinking about when I'd last eaten, I slipped out of my sweats and dipped a toe into the bathwater. A soft shudder raced down my spine. It was hot, almost too hot, but still within the bounds of being bearable. Just perfect.

I sank beneath the surface and closed my eyes, letting the enticing scent and soothing heat lull me into a sleepy haze. For the first time in a week did I feel a tiny bit more like myself.

I came to about twenty minutes later, the bathwater already beginning to cool. After washing my hair, I got out and wrapped myself in a fluffy towel before padding to the sink and brushing my teeth for the better part of ten minutes. I rinsed and washed my face before I looked at myself in the large mirror. The moment I met my eyes, I wished I hadn't. I barely recognized this crestfallen boy as myself. There were heavy, dark bags under my eyes. The skin seemed almost translucent. My gaze dropped to my collarbones, which stood out in a sharp line. I gulped, brushing a finger across my pecs. At least the hot bath had returned a more natural color to my pale skin; a soft pink glow that was the only thing proving I was still alive and breathing. It was easy to tear my gaze away from the miserable reflection, because seeing me like this was only another reminder of what love had done to me. What entrusting my heart along with the promise to keep it safe had brought me. All I'd done was open up and now this was what was left; a thin, pale shadow who was stuck in his own head, trapped by all these hopeless feelings that had nowhere to go but refused to perish either.

I turned and retrieved my bathrobe from the cabinet, slipping into the terrycloth and returning to my room. I crossed the threshold and froze mid-step. This was my room? I could barely believe how badly I'd let my own space wither away. The smell of sweat and tears saturated the air. There were things strewn everywhere; used plates, snack wrappers, books, stained clothes. The carpet was dirty and so was the bed. It was dark, every last ray of light blocked out. Suddenly, I couldn't fathom walking back in here and laying down in that bed, especially not now that I'd finally gathered the will to get up and bathe.

"I know," Isabel whispered from behind me. "Don't worry. We're gonna make this right again, I promise."

She passed by my unmoving form, her hands full with freshly washed sheets. Farlan was scurrying through the room as well, opening windows, picking up trash and clothes. They'd started cleaning my room while I'd been in the bathroom and the thoughtful action touched me much more than I thought possible. Only now, as I was watching how the mess in here made way to the cleanliness I was used to, did I realize how badly I needed this. How badly I needed any kind of normalcy, however small, to make me feel like I was still me.

"You know what? Maybe we should go out."

Both Farlan and Isabel stopped what they were doing to turn wide eyes at me. It was obvious that they hadn't anticipated a suggestion like this coming from me. Hell, I hadn't even meant to suggest it. Why in the world did I want to go out into actual sunlight, where actual people could see me and god beware, talk to me? The more I thought about it, the clearer the answer became to me. It was because seeing this image before me, the image of what my room—a place I'd kept sparkling clean for as long as I could remember—had turned into. A mess. A filthy mess. This was what I'd let my own valued personal space come to and suddenly, I couldn't be here anymore. I needed to get out; needed to get away from the painful visual reminder in front of me.

My friends stopped what they were doing in favor of staring at me. Before I could change my mind, they dropped the cleaning supplies where they stood and rushed over to where I was standing, taking my arm on either side and leading me towards the entrance door.

"What a wonderful idea!" Isabel exclaimed, her cheeks flushing pink with enthusiasm. "Off we go!"

We'd spent the better part of the afternoon on the playground near my house, sitting on the swings and going around on the carousel. It felt nice to be outside as opposed to being locked up in my stuffy room, but even the bright sun and the happy faces my friends gifted me with weren't enough to make me forget that this was not just a normal day during a normal summer. Eren was with me, every second of every day and I was starting to believe only time would rid me of his constant presence in my head. I had to get back on my feet and start fighting; fight thinking about him, fight reminiscing about our time together, fight the urge to just go and see him.

"Levi? Are you listening to me?"

I snapped out of another daydream filled with teal eyes and chocolate hair, my eyes searching aimlessly until they found Farlan's sky-blue ones. I wasn't sure if he had been the one to call out to me, but considering Isabel was a few feet away riding a yellow spring rider, I just went with my first guess.

"Hm?"

"So you weren't listening," he said quietly. For a moment I thought he might be hurt by my inattentiveness, but then his full lips slipped into an understanding smile. "I was wondering if I could ask you something."

I leaned back on the swing I was sitting on and began to gently swing back and forth. "You can ask me anything. You know that."

"Well… Even if I've already asked you once and you refused to answer?"

I bit my lip in contemplation as I tried to think of what he was referring to, drawing a blank. Shrugging, I turned to him and rose an eyebrow. "Then I probably didn't want to answer your question."

"Do you think that could have changed?"

He was beating around the bush; a caprice utterly unlike him. My gaze turned somewhat suspicious; I could do nothing to stop it. This didn't feel right.

"Ask and find out."

"Well, I…" he broke off, his eyes dropping to his shoe, which was drawing small circles into the gravel beneath our feet. "I asked you once if… If…" he took a deep breath as if to steady himself and it was then that I grew nervous. Very nervous. Farlan had always been the type to say what was on his mind without any kind of filter, so when he was stalling like this, it could only mean what he was about to ask was huge and serious and important and god, I had no idea what to expect.

One of his hands wrapped around the back of his neck to rub his nape, a gentle blush grazing his high cheekbones. I swallowed thickly.

Then he gave his head a gentle shake and tilted his face up to look at me. "I was wondering if… I mean… If… If you changed your mind about not wanting to tell me who you spent the summer with?"

A long exhale pushed past his lips and he rubbed his eyes. He seemed relieved, though I couldn't entirely shake the feeling that this was not what he'd intended to ask.

He began to move his swing, his blue eyes fixing on me, holding my gaze this time. "I just… I wish I'd know who did this to you, Levi. You... You mean so much to me. I don't want to imagine being friendly with a guy who broke your heart, at school or anywhere else. Just because I don't know who to watch out for."

I pushed my swing in tune with his, returning his look with equal fervor. It was not as if I didn't understand the point he was making; I'd probably act the exact same way if our positions were reversed. In all honesty, I wanted to tell them. More than anything, I wanted my best friends to know, and if only so I could describe him in every last gorgeous detail. But I couldn't. It didn't matter how much I wished I could hurt him back or how much he'd deserve it; I wouldn't do this to him. I couldn't. I still loved him too much to betray him like this, even if a taste of his own medicine would serve him right.

A sad smile touched down on my lips when I replied, "I'm sorry, but I can't tell you. I want to, but I can't. You're my best friends and I wish I could just disclose who it is, but I made a promise I'm not going to break. Even if there's no longer a reason to keep it."

Farlan sighed, his expression anxious. "I know you made a promise to him but I… Damn, I just can't live not knowing. I want to see him suffer for what he did to you, Levi, for every second of pain he's putting you through. Does he even know how much he's hurt you? Does he even care?"

Eren had not called, not once. Neither had he texted or left a message or tried to get in touch with me anywhere else, so did he? Did he care? I didn't know. A part of me wanted to believe he'd realized his mistake and was as devastated about what he'd done to us as I was, but another part—a larger part—told me he was over it. What else would be the reason for his ongoing silence? If he missed me as much as I missed him, he wouldn't be able to hold back. It was hard enough for me to not just damn it all to hell and pick up the phone—if he felt the same, knowing he'd been the one responsible for this mess, he'd not stay away. He'd be here, trying to get me back. My thoughts were spinning, a nasty headache beginning to build behind my temples. What was I thinking? Did I want to be chased by him? Did I want to see his face again? Or did I just want to move on?

The vortex of my thoughts, so loud even in the quietness of my mind, was vicious enough to suck the breath from my body and I felt the overwhelming urge to cover my ears and ask for it to stop.

"Levi? You alright?" Isabel squeezed my shoulder, pulling me back to the present.

I blinked stupidly up at her, forcing a wobbly smile. "Yes. Fine."

She nodded slowly, but her hand remained on my shoulder and I was glad for it. "We were just talking about getting something to drink. I'm parched! Farlan is, too. You in?"

It took her pointing it out to realize how dry my throat was. Something cold to drink sounded like heaven right about now, especially considering the tropical temperature outside.

"Yeah sure," I said, a bit hesitant considering the entire school was on summer break and this close to fall, most of the students were probably already back from vacation. Even if I mostly kept to my friends at school, I had no intention to see anyone and what was even more—to let anyone see me in this sorry state. But I was thirsty and we'd only be a few minutes, right? Just in and out, no big deal.

"Where to?" Isabel asked excitedly, hooking her arms into Farlan's and mine to each side, pulling us along.

"Well, what's closest?" Farlan hummed. "Rose?"

"Oh my god, yes!" Iz squealed, tugging me close. "I love Rose! It's been ages since we've gone for frappés."

I let myself get manoeuvred about, half listening to my friend's gushing over Rose's frappés, half trying not to get nervous at the prospect of going to a place that would be brimming with people. Why was I even doing this? What I should do was turn on my heel and rush in the opposite direction, but before I could even elaborate on that plan, we'd arrived. The small café was buzzing with laughter and chitchat, all of it surrounded by the rich scent of coffee and chocolate.

"Wow, tell me you can't wait to get your hands on those frappés!" Isabel sighed languidly as she steered us towards the entrance. "I think I'm getting…"

I stopped in my tracks. There was… I could have sworn I'd heard something; a sound that seemed to resonate with something ingrained deep within me. It was a laugh, so familiar and intimate that just the faint echo of it drove warm goosebumps to my skin. It couldn't possibly… It wasn't…

Eren.

I knew it was him before I turned my head and caught sight of him; of the beautiful tan of his skin and his eyes, which seemed to reflect every nuance of golden sunlight in their depths. This was it. This was all it took for me to break anew, as if no time between that day and right now had passed at all. I felt as if I was back there in the ice cream truck, asking him not to go even while his eyes told me he would. I was back to losing him right there in front of me, unable to make him stay even when he had promised he'd never leave.

He was sitting there at a little table outside the café with his friends, the girl and the boy I recognized from that night at the truck, large cups of frappé sitting in front of them and… he was laughing. He was smiling at them; genuinely, as if he meant it. What was left of my heart shattered with such a deafening crack that I felt the repercussion echoing through my veins.

So this was how hurt he was. So hurt that he was going out with his friends, smiling without a care in the world, as if we had never happened. As if he had not broken my heart beyond repair, and hell, he had no fucking right to be happy. Seeing him like this was a painful reminder of the hope I'd nursed; this stupid little glimmer of hope that had led me to believe Eren was wrapped up in his own dirty sheets, crying and suffering just like I was. What a fucking idiot I'd been. What a pitiable, pathetic idiot.

I wrenched my eyes away from him—how I was able to, I'd never know. All I wanted was to get out of here, as far away from him as physically possible.

But luck evaded me once again.

"Levi?"

It was him. It was his voice. I didn't need to turn around; didn't need to look into those endless teal eyes to know he was the one calling me with this haunting timbre in his voice.

"Levi!"

Hearing Eren's voice was enough to tear the makeshift bandages I'd wrapped around my heart asunder, but hearing this voice, this voice that had whispered to me countless times while touching every inch of me say my name made them vanish into nothingness, as if they'd never been there to begin with.

"Levi, who…?" Farlan took my hand and spun me around to face him, his eyes brimming with questions. "Hey, what's going on? You look as if you've seen a ghost, what just happen… ed…"

He trailed off, his gaze snapping up to pin Eren, who had jumped from his seat and was mere feet away from where we were standing, calling my name relentlessly.

I could literally watch as Farlan put two and two together, his mind connecting the dots and arriving at the obvious conclusion. His hands wrapped around my shoulders in an iron grip, his gaze boring into mine with an intensity I'd never seen in them before.

"Don't tell me it's him? Don't tell me Eren-fucking-Jeager is the one who did this to you?"