You all are amazing for reading my story! I am so grateful to each and every one of you. Thanks to all who have followed, faved, and took the time to leave a review! You give me life! ilovekyloren: Thank you so much for the compliments. I am so happy you are enjoying the character development going on. Yeah, Ren is a little awkward around people cause he is not use to interacting with others- unless it's in a violent manner. I think the small moments in a person's life can allow you to see their character a lot. So that is why I write these small moments in. You are awesome for being so willing to leave reviews! Thanks so much! kimmycocopop: Oh yes, the planets shall all align soon and you will see how everything connects. I think I can put in here that Ren and Rey do not pull a Romeo and Juliet at the end of this story. I know that is a spoiler, but I thought you readers would appreciate knowing that particular detail. Rey definitely wants Snoke dead, Ren... well, he hasn't put a whole lot of thought into it. He knows Snoke better than anyone and fears the guy, so he might not be completely on board with trying to kill him. He knows such a thing would be difficult. EV: Sixty chapters? Whoa! I am pushing for between forty to fifty, but we shall see what happens. It makes me happy that you want more though. I will for sure be sad when the story is all done, but I may have a sequel in the works... Guest 2: There is no Reylo in this chapter. Don't hate me! We will get some next chapter though. I do miss writing them together and I promise that once they are reunited, they rarely part. I shall keep going with this story! I swear!
So... this chapter was very interesting to write. I am just putting in a disclaimer that the content is violent and darker than usual. Also, there is more language that goes with what is going on. Just remember, things have to get worse before they get better.
Anyway, this chapter is all about Ren. Leia does have a pov, so you will get to see what has been going on with her. Rey is going to be in the next chapter, but with everything that needed to happen to Ren, he got his own chapter this time. That is why the chapter could quite possibly leave a sour taste in your mouth. The guy has a lot to work through.
So, I hope you enjoy the chapter for what it is! Happy reading!
Chapter Twenty-three
Days went by as Ren fell into a rhythm of working at the shop during the day, exercising with Garreaus before dinner, and then idly gazing at the stars before heading off for another restless night. He would usually wait till everyone was well into bed before venturing out into the field, treading through the tall grass and shuffling across hard patches of dirt. The flickering light of the inner city was more than enough to illuminate his path, but he rarely glanced down.
Tonight, Ren ended up in a chair by the fire pit – his body slouched, rear on the edge of the seat and his neck resting on the back. Upward, he gazed at the passing stars, all of them slowly moving and arching in the black sky. They were the ghosts that plagued the darkness, hauntingly reminding the void that there were glimmers of light amongst the morbidity of uncertainty.
These quaint excursions would always leave his throat scratchy and his face numb from the steely air, but Ren didn't mind in the slightest. Pain had always been his ally, helping him to focus and cultivate his endless supply of anger and resentment. Something had to keep him going, and it damn well wasn't going to be the Light.
So that was why he breathed through the sting deeply, fighting down the urge to cough, relaxing into the blaze of his lungs.
It was surreal not to have his lightsaber constantly on his belt and to present himself as a regular person. The last week had been strangely fine, his temperament never getting out of control and his feverish mouth never coming out to sneer at others. So far, at least. All in all, everything seemed good… and that was why he needed the pain.
While part of him did actually enjoy acting this normal, there was that sinister part of him that was left wanting. It was twitching beneath the surface, demanding to be freed to feed on the misery of others and to unleash a heavy stream of violence on the unsuspecting. The pressure was cosmic, attractive, and alive. He just wanted that release, to hold a life in his grip and squeeze until he felt their pulse stop and watch their eyes grow hollow. If he didn't find someway to liberate this pent up energy soon, he was going to explode, the shrapnel hurling towards those in the vicinity.
Ren had an idea on how to find it, but he hadn't done something like that since he was a child. Something had to give, though, so he closed his eyes and scanned the surrounding area for life forms. He honed in on a loth-cat almost immediately, sensing that the creature was close and had been watching him with its curious eyes from a patch of tall grass.
Gradually, Ren eased his breathing, focusing on connecting to the animal's mind, coaxing it to come closer to the kind and compassionate human it was studying. It took a few minutes since loth-cats were vicious little creatures, but the thing gradually started to trust him. It inched closer, looking at Ren eagerly, like he was going to give the thing a treat.
Ren ordered the creature to stop a few feet from him as his brows lowered over his eyes and his lips parted in anticipation. He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his fingers weaving together. His body was a menacing statue of the night, still and terrifying.
The loth-cat elevated in the air, its eyelids fluttering as it let out a constant stream of strangled moans and mewling, like it was half-uttered pleas. Betrayal rippled from the cat, for it had trusted Ren to not bring harm unto it. Next was its fear. Ren inhaled the hurt, getting drunk on the saturation of sin and focusing so hard on his victim that his back burned and his eyes strained. He was dragging the show out purposefully, but he knew when enough was enough and he decided to finish before he found it too difficult to stop.
Pop, pop, pop!
The small bones of the loth-cat broke in quick succession as Ren crushed the furry body. He sat back and the creature's form hit the ground with a soft thud. As quickly as he got a rush from killing the animal, it was taken from him. More like ripped out of his gut and stolen, like he didn't deserve to fill up his sinister side with the death of an innocent animal.
Usually, he could ride the high for a few hours, but he wasn't even granted a few intimate seconds to feel pleased and satisfied. Ren had enjoyed the display as it was happening, but he felt the let down once it was over. Something inside of him was ruining this moment and he wanted to find it, bash it into mulch, and exorcise it from his soul.
If Rey could see you now, a voice whispered.
Ren ground his teeth and cradled his head in his hands. If Rey had seen what he'd just done, she would have lost it for sure.
But she doesn't understand…
Do I even understand? Am I a slave to the violence and pain?
For as long as Ren could remember, he always had this part of himself, the part that craved to hurt the living. He began to torture and kill animals very early in life, the voice in his head goading him to take pleasure in his power. Threepio had walked in on one of the vicious killings and had immediately told his parents, marking the beginning of when they started to distance themselves from him.
Ren was attached to the violence in ways that complicated things, yet changed nothing at all. Rey knew it; she wasn't an idiot. She didn't know how to go about trying to change that about him, but what she didn't realize was that by just existing it was awakening something inside him that made it harder to enjoy other's agony.
Stars, he couldn't stand emotions. Or himself, if he were to be more specific. That was why he had dove into the Dark side, to rid himself of this inner conflict. Ren pressed harder on his head, despising himself. He deliberately leaned into the emotion so that it bit into his mind. Swallowing the flare of condemnation, he held it in his gut, using it as a reminder that he was a screwed up freak, down to the marrow, and he deserved to get hurt.
At this point, Ren was trembling enough to levitate out of his chair. These two sides within him were going to tear him apart some day and leave a dead man in its wake. Gods, he couldn't take it anymore. Rey wanted him to be the kind man he used to be and he wanted to be with her so badly. But he couldn't shake off this monster inside him... and neither did he completely want to.
The constant reminder of what he couldn't have and shouldn't want was killing him. And the Force knew he was already in bad shape.
Ren sensed someone stirring in the house behind him, coming closer to the door that led outside. Quickly, Ren launched the dead loth-cat clear across the field and watched it descend somewhere among the sea of grass in the distance. Rubbing the sour expression from his face, he tried to appear like he hadn't been having an internal crisis. He sat back, looking casual, and was pretty sure he was failing miserably at it.
The door slid open, footsteps coming his way. Not uttering a single word, Jorfel sat in the chair to Ren's right, shifting around till he was comfortable.
Jorfel and Ren sat quietly for a while, him getting back to his previous search of the stars and Jorfel leaning closer to the pit, as if it were emitting a secretive warmth. Looking at the balls of light made it feel like Rey could somehow see Ren and he imagined digging a hole in the freezing ground and jumping inside, suffocating on the dirt that covered him.
"You thinking about that girl, aren't ya?" Jorfel broke the silence, raising the hood of his coat over his head.
Ren craned his head, looking at the solemn man next to him. "Why do you ask that?"
Well, it's not like Terr allowed anyone to forget that Ren had a 'secret lady' somewhere in the galaxy. It was only a matter of time before Garreaus or Jorfel started asking questions.
"I've seen you, coming out here every night, looking at the stars. Only one thing makes a man do that and it's a woman."
Ren didn't answer, but the silence more than gave his thoughts away. He wondered if Jorfel had witnessed what he did to the loth-cat, but if he had, he was positive the man wouldn't be sitting comfortably beside him.
"How complicated are things between the two of you?" Jorfel asked.
Ren ticked the reasons off in his head: his master wanted her dead, he would prefer to get rid of her best friend, he took away the only father figure she ever had, and they were aligned on opposing sides of the Force – none of which were a very conducive foundation for a relationship.
"Very," Ren replied on a heavy exhale.
"Her family not approve of you or something?"
Ren almost burst out laughing, but settled for a smirk. "Something like that."
"Can I, uh, ask you a personal question?" Ren didn't immediately say no, but he didn't say yes either. Discussing anything on a personal level or even remotely emotional made his abdomen twist into tight knots. The only person he was open to talking about such things with was Rey, and the one time he did nearly made him run from the room.
But… dammit, he told himself to not be closed off from people and Jorfel was not a complete stranger. Gradually, Ren nodded and then waited for the mysterious question. "Are you trying to change so you can be with her?"
Ren's face furrowed as he contemplated the thought-provoking query. "I " Ren fumbled. "She's one of the reasons why I'm here, but she isn't the only reason I gave up what I used to do." Han came to mind, like he usually did.
Jorfel rubbed his nose. "You've been thinking about her a lot since leaving her?"
"Yes."
The man twisted so he was facing Ren. "Do you wonder how she's doing?"
"Constantly," Ren breathed out.
"Does she bring out parts of yourself you never thought existed?"
Ren narrowed his eyes at Jorfel, trying to figure out if the guy was going to ask him weird questions all night. "Yeah."
"Have you ever wondered how you lived without her before she came into your life?"
Okaaaaaaay, this is starting to get odd. "Are these questions leading somewhere?"
Jorfel shrugged, sitting the side of his body back against the chair. "Just tryin' to understand you a little better."
"And do you?"
"I don't know, but I'm pretty sure I know why you can't get her off of your mind." Jorfel paused, a sly grin forming on his lips. "You're in love with her."
Ren frowned, hard. "We were together less than a week. Such an emotion takes time to cultivate and appear."
"Eh, not necessarily. You can be in a relationship for four years and feel nothing; you can be with someone for four days and feel everything. Time can't measure the quality of your feelings."
Huh.
That was an interesting view, one that got Ren to think more critically. He'd never been interested in a woman before Rey, so he had nothing to go off of to analyze his feelings for her.
Ren cleared his throat before timidly saying, "I… I've never fallen in love before. I don't even think I've ever loved anything."
Jorfel rolled his eyes, the light from the moon reflecting off of them. "Everyone has loved something, whether it was good for them or not. And I've never liked the term 'falling in love'. Loving someone shouldn't make you feel like you're falling. You should feel like you're walking into a house and suddenly knowing you're home."
Ren just sat and looked at the guy, dumbfounded that something profound could come out of his mouth. Maybe there was way more to Jorfel than Ren assumed. "You know, Jorfel, you can be very good with words."
The guy shrugged off the compliment. "Well, I have a shit ton of relationship information stored in this head of mine." He pointed to his skull. "Lizari made me read a lot of books on love and relationships since being a stormtrooper gave me zero experience in that area." He leaned across the armrest of the chair, lowering his voice to a whisper. "Don't tell her, but it did kind of help. So I can't take all the credit for my profound wisdom."
Ren gave a slight grin to Jorfel's confession, growing more content at being able to talk with the man. If Jorfel could ask him a personal question, maybe Ren could do the same to him. "How did you... know you loved her?"
Jorfel took a moment to think while he slouched into his chair in the same manner as Ren. Both men stopped looking at one another and instead focused on the dark sky above, showing that the conversation was starting to grow serious. "It took me a while to realize it, but once I did, it was obvious I had loved her for a long time. What we have, it's not just surface stuff, ya know? Sure, the sex is great and being able to fall asleep next to someone and feel their body is comforting, but it's not fulfilling. That stuff is not a connection; anyone can have that."
Taking a few deep breaths, Jorfel continued, "I was a soldier all my life, trained to follow orders and to not think for myself. Lizari helped me find the man beneath the surface and it was rough at first, but through it all, I found what was real. I found her. I knew her faults, saw her blemishes, and have felt her anger. Oh, have I felt her get angry at me when I've done dumb shit. But, all those things make her who she is and I wouldn't change a thing about her. To me, her imperfections make her perfect, they make her a real person."
Ren could relate to the last statement. Rey had her faults like everyone else, but Ren wouldn't change anything about her. She was an authentic person in an incredibly false galaxy and that was extremely rare to find.
"The connection between Liz and I was effortless. When she moved, I moved and when she walked, my eyes followed. You asked me how I knew that I loved her? I loved her because she loved me during the moments when I couldn't even love myself. I did some horrible shit while being with the First Order and it's still hard for me to get over it. But she made me believe I could be a different person and she gave me that chance to prove it."
Long silence. Then: "I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or helped, but I see the way you come out here and look at the stars. Just remember, really knowing someone is something else, something that is instinctive. It's a completely different thing and when it happens, you won't be able to miss it. You'll be aware and you might want to run from it at first, but don't." Jorfel stood and awkwardly lingered for a moment, looking straight ahead at the grassy field. The man seemed to be well versed from the way he had spoken about his affections for Lizari, but it had still made the guy slightly uncomfortable to do so. To be brought up in a world that punished you for thinking on your own, Jorfel still had a difficult time letting his inner desires known.
Ren watched and waited to see if Jorfel said anything more, but the guy turned and brusquely walked back into the house, not even giving Ren a glance. Others would have thought the gesture rude, but Ren understood about needing to leave a situation before your emotions overtook you.
Ren sat there, not denying the thoughts and feelings that had flowed through him during the last few minutes. Even though Jorfel was a few years younger than him, that man had lived a fuller life in solitude than Ren ever did in his years of purpose and violence. He struggled to find any lies in the words Jorfel had spoken, but all he could sense was the absolute truth.
He would know it when he felt it and he couldn't turn away from how real of a connection he had with Rey. But the connection was not the only thing that was profound. His feelings for her were from what kind of person Ren knew Rey to be: Kind, optimistic, genuine. She saw the goodness in him when he couldn't. He trusted her, he cared for her well-being, he… loved her.
Ren inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, letting the revelation surge through his veins and fill his awareness. It was terrifying, realizing that he loved someone more than his own ego and self-interests. His goals had always been about him and now, they revolved around another. His heart was vulnerable for the first time in years and he could feel how fragile it was without its walls to protect it.
Could he do this again? Put his heart out there for another to have? Ren had essentially done that with his family, for he had trusted them, and yes, even though he denied it, had loved them. That was why the betrayal had crushed him and had formed him into this person full of hate and rage.
A question popped into his mind, one he couldn't think away. If Rey didn't reciprocate his strong feelings, what would he do?
What would he do….
He wouldn't return to his life as Kylo Ren, but he wouldn't be able to be friends with her either. It would be too difficult to be around her and to not have all of her. But leaving Rey again… man, that would crush them both. Ren tried to think back to when they were together, analyzing her every move to decipher her feelings. Sure, they kissed and those moments had been incredible, but that did not mean love.
Right?
Stars, when he saw her next, they needed to have a very long and in depth discussion. But what exactly would he say to her? Would he be honest and tell her what he did to that loth-cat? Would he run through the extent of his depravity, letting her know all the ways he could kill someone with the Force and how he had practiced on his prisoners? Would he outline how his favorite kills had been cremated and their ashes placed on a pedestal, reminding him of his ruthlessness and his murderous enjoyment?
Ren glared at the night sky and uttered one of Terr's favorite words. "Fuuuuuuuuuck," he breathed out, watching the word soar into the air on a wispy cloud and evaporate into nothingness.
More than likely, if he did confess all those things, she would end up asking him just one, single question. Do you regret it, he could hear the question in her voice. And then he would end up saying something like, regret is for fools and cannot change anything….
That he did believe.
How in the hell is anything going to work out between us? She's with the Resistance and he is basically their number two enemy, right behind Snoke. Ren's thoughts kept running in circles, making him believe that him and Rey could never actually be together. But, he would need to ask her where she stood. He would let her make the decision and if she decided no… stars, Ren prayed she wouldn't say no.
()()()()()
Han and Chewie had their own troubles – we barely had been introduced when some old friends of theirs caught up with us. There was a huge fight aboard the freighter, one that I spent trying not to get shot or torn apart by tentacles. We escaped in the Falcon, using this incredibly dangerous hyperspace maneuver I have to get Solo to explain to me if we ever get a minute of peace.
I've got to stop writing and get up to the cockpit. Our next stop is Takodana, where we're going to talk to an old friend of Chewie's named Maz.
I took a peek at Takodana on the scopes, and it looks like the planets I've dreamed about since I was a kid. Except even in my dreams they weren't this green.
I wonder what we'll find down there…
Me, Ren thought. You'll find me and then your life will become infinitely more complicated.
Ren studied the drawing of the green planet below her final entry before flipping back a page. Rey had drawn a portrait of Han and Chewie, allowing Ren to study his deceased father's face. She had captured the likeness perfectly, with his usual side grin and his scruffy hair standing out to Ren the most.
He closed the journal, letting it fall onto the mattress as he placed his hands behind his head. In his room, aboard his ship, Ren had little to nothing when it came to options for occupying his time. That was the twenty-fourth time he had read through Rey's little guide and every time he finished it, he swore to himself he wouldn't read it again. The last entry about his father and then Rey being excited to see Takodana always made him depressed, but then hours would pass by and he would think about how much he missed her. His hands would grab her book and his eyes would betray him as he started reading it all over again.
Maybe he should burn the damn thing since it always left him feeling wrecked, but he never could bring himself to do that. It was her property and she had conveyed to him how much she missed writing in it.
He stood, all but running out of his room and exiting the ship so he could get some fresh air and hopefully clear his head. Jorfel's speeder was still gone, letting Ren know that the three men were still in the city running errands. It was the end of the week and the shop was closed for the day, giving Ren nothing to do.
Why didn't I accept their invitation to go into town with them?
Oh that's right, I wanted to finish reading the journal.
Ren internally groaned.
A loud cry came from the fields to his left and Ren recognized the scream belonging to Anna. He turned, seeing Lizari pick up the wailing girl and run straight for the house. Something didn't seem right and Ren ran to meet the woman at the front entrance.
"Is there –"
"Here," Liz said quickly as she tossed Anna into his arms. She lifted up her right palm, revealing a deep gash and blood pouring out of the wound. "Watch Anna while I take care of this." She proceeded to dart into the house, holding her arm up so her coat sleeve would catch the red liquid. Ren followed her, holding a distraught Anna under her arms and away from his body, like she had a cold he didn't want to catch.
They moved into the kitchen and before Liz went into her room, she turned and hurriedly said, "Oh and wash her hands thoroughly. She found a dead loth-cat out in the field and was playing with it. I don't want her getting sick." She then disappeared behind the door, which Anna did not approve of in the slightest.
I should have launched that animal into a different star system.
Ren's face was scrunched up, watching the girl kick her feet and roll her head back and forth in a fit of anger. For a little thing, she sure was strong. "Trust me, I hear you. I want your mother to come back, too." He tried to maneuver the small body over the sink, but Anna kept shoving her feet against the counter, making it difficult for her to get close to the running water.
Frustrated, he placed her on the ground and watched her dramatically throw her body on the floor and have a tantrum. Ren decided to get a wet washcloth and clean her hands that way, but once done, the girl did not calm down. He kneeled down next to her, trying to get her attention, but failed.
This unusual realm of consoling a child was one he'd never been in before and he was starting to panic. Ren stretched to his full height, looking about the tight kitchen for anything useful just as Liz came back. Anna darted for her mother, wrapping her arms around the woman's legs, almost causing her to fall over.
"Whoa, its okay," Lizari said as she regained her balance and Anna peered over at Ren.
For most of his life, Ren had always used his height and build as a means of intimidation. But at the moment, he felt like he was an enormous nightmare. And Anna was looking at him with haunted eyes.
Kids and him never mixed. He tried to imagine being weighed by the constant worry over some little creature and whether it was killing itself. Yeah, sure, there seemed to be some good parts to the whole experience. Jorfel and Lizari's joy from playing with Anna was very real. But, goodness, the work. And the screeches that could come out of a young child's mouth could be used as a weapon to shatter eardrums.
I am never having children, he thought.
But then the memory of that vision came to mind... the one where Snoke was dead, Rey was pregnant, and he was elated over the news. He scrubbed the memory away, not wanting to think about it at the moment. Or ever.
Ren focused on Lizari's hand, noticing the tight bandage and the faint appearance of red through the white cloth.
"We don't have anymore bacta patches, so I'll need to go to the medical center in town." Going to the med center would cost money that Ren knew they didn't have.
"I can take a look at it and see if I can help," he suggested.
"Do you have medical training?" Officially, no, he did not. But he wasn't planning on using the knowledge he had for this particular situation.
"I could attempt to heal it by using the Force. Only if you want, of course."
"You can do that?" She asked incredulously. He nodded, waiting for her to make a decision. Ren could practically read her face and knew she was thinking of the money she would have to pay the med center and how they were trying to save up for the new baby.
In the end, the decision to have him heal her wasn't that difficult. As Ren unwound the bandage, he scrutinized the deep gash in her palm. Placing his hand over hers, he healed the injury in seconds, not even breaking a sweat in doing so.
Liz was amazed by the whole experience and examined her perfect hand with awe and fascination. "Thank you," she whispered. A tiny sense of pride filled Ren's chest over being able to help someone and maybe, just maybe, he was cut out to be that good person Rey wanted him to be.
()()()()()
"It's your move Garreaus." Terr reminded the man. Jorfel, Ren, Garreaus, and Terr were all sitting in the lounge seat aboard his ship, taking turns playing a game of Dejarik. Right now, Ren was watching a very interesting game between Garreaus and Terr. It was interesting because Terr was actually winning, proving that the lessons of game play Ren had been teaching the man were starting to pay off.
There is a brain beneath that skull after all.
"Don't rush me," Garreaus snipped.
"Frustrated that I'm beating you for once?" Garreaus glared, making Terr laugh at the reaction.
Ren munched on a choc bar, trying to come up with a strategy for Garreaus to win. So far, he wasn't seeing one.
"Has anyone ever told you that if you smile long enough, it becomes permanent?" Garreaus sneered, obviously getting frustrated over the prospect of Terr winning.
Terr shrugged while still holding the grin on his lips. "I don't see why that would be a bad thing. Smiles are pleasant to look at."
"It makes you look uglier than you were before."
"What you talkin' about?" Terr feigned being offended. "I am ten times better looking now than I was before this game started."
"Zero times ten is still zero," Ren pointed out. Everyone froze and looked at him. Ren stopped chewing. Garreaus and Jorfel broke into a fit of laughter while Terr sulked in his spot, glowering at the boisterous ensemble. Ren couldn't stop himself from joining in, but he didn't try that hard in the first place.
As the game ended and Terr won, much to the consternation of Garreaus, the men headed back to the house to see if Lizari needed any help with preparing supper.
"Jorfel!" Liz called from the kitchen when she heard the front door open and close. "Did you pick up any Bantha steaks this morning?" They all huddled into the kitchen, witnessing a very frazzled Liz.
"Uh, no, it wasn't on the list."
She was stunned. "But it's the main dish tonight and you knew that! You should've bought them even if they weren't on the list."
"How am I supposed to know that? I thought you already bought some."
"Have you ever seen them in the conservator?" Ren glanced around the room, not knowing what to do during the current situation. BB-8 was playing with Anna in the dining room, letting the little girl attempt at dressing the droid in her toddler clothes. Ren was sure the little girl thought of BB-8 more as a pet rather than an astromech.
"No," Jorfel stated reluctantly.
Liz crossed her arms, giving her husband an aggravated look. "Then you should've bought some."
Jorfel opened and closed his mouth a few times before saying, "But… you didn't put it on the list." His voice sounded defeated.
"I forget things, Jorfel. It's called I'm pregnant. I'm gonna need you to go back to the market to get some."
Jorfel groaned. "Isn't there something else you could make? I already went this morning and I don't feel like making the trip now."
"I can go," Ren interjected. Before they could protest, Ren grabbed his coat and said, "I should contribute to the meal in some way. And I got paid yesterday, so it wouldn't be a problem." And staying there with an angry pregnant woman did not sound pleasing.
"Are you sure?" Jorfel asked.
"Yeah, it's not a big deal."
"As long as someone goes, I don't care," Liz said sharply, giving a glare to her husband.
Jorfel turned to Ren, not even attempting to hide his relieved demeanor. "Okay. And while you're there, you might as well buy yourself some more choc bars. Your supply is getting low."
Ren chuckled while slipping the heavy outerwear over his leather jacket. "I'll be sure to do that."
He left the warm house and made the ten minute journey into town, trying to be quick as he jogged into the market, grabbed a basket, and went straight for the meat section. Only recently had he learned how to shop for himself, since it had always been done for him his whole life. There was something freeing about doing it on his own, though. It gave him a sense of control.
As he stripped the store of its chocolate supply, he overheard a conversation happening one aisle over. "I still can't believe Sheldom killed him," a man said.
"I guess it's been in the works for a while," a woman replied. "Him having to go into hiding stalled his plans, but Albenic is deader than dead now."
"It's too bad," the man spoke solemnly. "I liked how things were ran under Albenic. Sheldom seems too much like a hot head."
"That's because he is. He's going over to the Lonsmel's house to try and punish the guy for humiliating him. Honestly, Sheldom got what he deserved –" Ren dropped the basket and sprinted for the speeder, his boots pounding to the rhythm of his erratic heart.
He pushed the speeder to the breaking point as he cranked up the momentum to a dangerous level, but even then, he wasn't going fast enough. All the neurons in his brain were firing, making his thoughts jumbled and nonsensical. His panic was real, though. He could decipher that pretty clearly.
A group of speeders were parked outside the house. Ren jumped from his before it was even fully shut down, running for the entryway. Calling his saber from his room aboard the ship, he willed the freighter's doors to slide open to allow his weapon to make it out of the cargo bay and fly straight into his outstretched hand.
He had a feeling he was too late and as he barreled into the house. He saw that he was right. The sight was gruesome: Jorfel was face down in his own pool of blood, ashen and unmoving. Liz was kneeling next to her husband, wailing, holding onto the limp body of her daughter. Garreaus and Terr were gagged and tied to their own individual chairs. Both men had been beaten, but unlike Jorfel, they were alive and fighting like hell to get free.
The scene was so much to take in that Ren didn't have time to properly process what he was looking at. The six – no, seven – men standing in the room turned to him as he ignited his lightsaber.
Everyone froze, and every soul in the room immediately knew who he was.
And Ren was going to live up to his reputation in the most violent and horrific way he knew how.
The first thing Ren did was Force Stun Sheldom, because that piece of shit was going to get preferential treatment when all was said and done. Next, with the twitch of his head, he snapped the necks of the only three thugs that held a blaster. Now, three lucky souls remained, looking at him like he was death incarnate.
Well, in this case, Ren supposed he was.
The three men darted for the door that led to the field out back, but Ren swept his arm out, making them fly into the wall instead. He stalked forward as one of them went for a fallen blaster rifle. BB-8 rolled up to the man, zapping him before he could grab the weapon. With one quick swoop, Ren beheaded the bastard, listening to the head roll across the floor.
Ren turned, seeing for the first time how young one of the thugs was. The kid was no doubt just a teenager, still in that awkward phase of arms and legs being too long to match his stout torso and round baby face. Ren smelled the urine before he saw the evidence on the kid's pants, watching the boy falter back in fear.
"I – I didn't want to be here. I didn't know they would do this. Please…" The kid let out a guttural scream as Ren cut the boy in half. The torso fell away from the legs, the boy withering on the floor from what was going to be a slow and excruciating death. Not even the cauterization from the saber could stop the boy's bowels from dumping onto the floor and Ren made a show of stepping on the bloody pile as he casually walked to his final target.
The last man left finally got his wits about him and made one last effort for the door just as Ren stretched his arm out and –
Lizari's wails cut through Ren's bloodlust, making him turn and look back into the horrific room. Terr had somehow gotten loose and was quickly untying Garreaus. The distraction gave Ren's target enough time to make it outside and he had a choice to make: go after him, or stay and help the people who took him in.
Ren crept back into the room, noting that the halved young boy on the floor had died faster than he would have preferred. Liz, Anna, and Jorfel were still in the same positions he'd left them in, but he stopped as Terr dove for a blaster and held it steadily at Ren's face.
"Don't. Fucking. Move." For the first time, Ren saw the conviction behind Terr's bloodshot eyes.
Garreaus knelt down next to Liz, trying to look over Anna, but the woman wouldn't let go of her daughter. Ever so gently, Garreaus placed a finger on the little girl's neck, checking for a pulse.
"She's still alive!" he exclaimed. Terr briefly looked their way. Ren stepped forward, catching Terr's attention and resuming to shove the pistol closer to his face.
Realizing his lightsaber was still ignited, Ren shut it off so those left alive felt less threatened by his presence. "I can help her."
"Yeah, right." Terr snarled. "You kill people, you don't help them."
"Let me try to heal her." With those words, Liz swirled around.
"I don't –"
"Shut up, Terr!" Liz screeched before she looked pleadingly in Ren's direction. "Please, I'll do anything you ask if you just save her. Anything. Just please," she cried out. "Don't let her die. You healed my hand earlier, I know you can save her! Please!"
Ren took two long strides, closing the distance between him and the distraught woman, not even giving Terr a second glance as he fell to his knees. Garreaus eyed Ren's every move as he held onto Liz's shoulders, helping her to stay upright. Liz was still clutching onto Anna, burying the girl's body against her chest.
Ren put his hand out to touch Anna's arm. "I need to see where she's injured," Ren said softly.
Carefully, Lizari lowered her daughter onto the floor and Ren's blood instantly drained from his face. A blaster wound, straight to the chest and near the heart. Maybe on the heart, for all Ren knew. Never had he healed such a vital organ before, and he needed to work quickly, for the girl did not have much longer to live.
Ren was surprised by the great chasm that opened up in the center of his chest, burning his heart asunder. If this girl passed, he was going on a rampage that wouldn't stop till every last criminal in this Force forsaken place was in pieces. Hell, he was probably going to do that anyway since Jorfel was lying dead off to the side, the body gradually growing cold.
Pausing before he started, he prayed to the Force, his fate, destiny, fucking anything, that he would be able to save the little girl and spare this woman from having to watch her whole family die in front of her.
Lizari's sniffles and short bursts of sobs were the only noise in the room, but Ren was having a hard time hearing them as he told himself over and over in his mind that he could do this. His hand – easily triple the size of Anna's small sternum – covered the girl's wound.
Energy.
He funneled all of his energy out of his palm and into the girl's body, projecting a picture of her wounded heart into his mind. Her right ventricle had been nicked, causing a trickle of blood to spool into her pericardial sack and compress the heart. He commanded the blood to enter back into the ventricle, letting it be pumped back into her body while not allowing it to escape back out of the wound. The heart muscle started the process of mending itself back together, following Ren's orders with finesse and finality. The wound was closing, the skin was mending back together, and the bone was quickly reconnecting.
Meanwhile, Ren was getting very close to blacking out. The blood pounded in his temples as he wheezed, trying desperately to catch a breath, his whole body starting to throb from the loss of energy. But he didn't dare stop. With his focused glued, he waited till he heard the girl cry out and once she did, he scooted to the wall before he fell over.
BB-8 rolled over to Ren, as if the droids presence could somehow help him stay in the present. His mouth was dry and he felt too warm, but he shivered. Voices were fuzzy as he recognized Terr and Garreaus both trying to get Liz and Anna from the room so the young child wouldn't see the carnage that plagued the surrounding area.
"You all need to leave," Ren croaked out, everyone's attention flipping back to him. "Anna should be seen by a doctor or a med droid." His healing abilities were nothing to brag about, so a professional really should see the girl.
Garreaus stared at him sharply. "We don't have a ship, and we shouldn't go to the medical center in town." He turned to Terr, speaking directly at his partner. "We could try to make it to Capital City –"
"You should get off world and make your way to Carlac," Ren insisted. "The Resistance can take you in."
Terr stuttered in surprise. "But, we were stormtroopers–"
"They already have a stormtrooper among them, so going there shouldn't be a problem" Ren said in a raspy, tired voice. "His name is FN – his name is Finn. Ask for him specifically and he'll help you."
"We have no way of getting there," Terr pointed out.
"Take my ship. I'll find other means of leaving the planet."
"Why are you helping us? You're Kylo Ren," Terr stated, as if his name conjured up an explanation as to why he seemed confused.
Ren's tone lowered to a whisper. "I used to be. I didn't lie when I told you how I came to be here."
"You... you really left the First Order?" Garreaus asked, eyes wide. "For that girl?"
Ren nodded weakly. "And other reasons."
There was a long period of quiet with only Liz's soft cries humming in the air. Anna had her head on her mother's shoulder, her gaze on her father's body. The little girl was quiet, and Ren wondered if she could make sense of the scene she was so intently studying.
Garreaus spoke abruptly to his partner, his voice cutting through the long pause. "Terr, go pack our bags. I'll stay here and help Liz."
"Got it." Terr rushed past Ren and headed straight out the back door, seeming to be in full soldier mode.
Garreaus took the helm after that, directing a very dazed Liz and her daughter into her room, leaving Ren alone with only corpses for company.
Jorfel….
Ren glanced to the side, looking with woozy eyes at the wide pool of blood that formed a halo around the man's body. He recalled what his friend had told him, many nights ago when they were alone by the fire pit.
I loved her because she loved me during the moments when I couldn't even love myself. I did some horrible shit while being with the First Order and it's still hard for me to get over it. Liz made me believe I could be a different person and she gave me that chance to prove it.
Jorfel's time of existence had come to an end, and now his children had been left fatherless and the woman he loved was now a widow. There was an injustice to all of this, one that begged to be rectified and Ren wanted to be the one to do it.
"Bail," Garreaus said and Ren's eyes swooped up. He hadn't even noticed that the guy had entered the room. "Or, Kylo. Shit, I don't know what to call you."
Ren stood on shaky legs, but he could already feel his strength returning. "Ren is fine."
Garreaus nodded as he wiped the silent tears from his cheeks. "I shouldn't be asking you this, but… can you… put Jorfel on the ship. Liz doesn't want to leave him behind and I just can't…." His voice drifted, unable to finish the sentence.
"I can do it," Ren assured the man. His thoughts drifted to Liz, his worry over her delicate situation finally hitting his awareness. "You, uh… need to make sure that she isn't cramping or bleeding, understand?" Ren didn't want to go into an explanation as to why that would be bad for her, but from Garreaus' curt nod, the man seemed to understand why. "Don't let her move too much or lift anything."
"She won't let me take Anna from her."
"Just –" Shit, if Ren was in her place, he wouldn't let go of his child either. "Just make sure she doesn't put too much stress on her body, alright?" Or she could go into early labor, which was another reason why they should get to the Resistance quickly.
Once alone, he went over to the small sofa and grabbed the blue blanket draped over the back. He laid it flat on the kitchen floor, the only place that was not marred with blood. For the next part, Ren took off his coat and leather jacket. He knew that he was bound to get blood on his arms.
Gently, he rolled Jorfel over, scooping him up before the blood could touch the man's back. The fluid drenched Jorfel's front and most of his face, but Ren didn't let his eyes linger. He placed his friend on the blanket and proceeded to wet a kitchen towel to clean Jorfel's gray features.
His family shouldn't see him like this.
The wounds to the man's abdomen were not from a blaster, but some sort of blade. The killing had been personal and Ren was beyond sure that Sheldom was the one who dealt the blows. With Jorfel wrapped up tightly and in Ren's arms, he took his friend to the cargo bay of his ship. Ren put him down next to the speeder, letting his hand linger on the body.
"Thank you, for giving me a place to stay… for being my friend – for giving me a chance. Your family will be safe. I promise you that." Ren gave the blanket two pats before standing, looking one last time at the outline of the body.
Tearing himself away, he walked quickly down the ramp and saw the rest of the group heading towards him, BB-8 in tow. They all stopped as they met halfway, no one knowing exactly what to say.
"You're sure the Resistance will take us in?" Garreaus asked, sounding worried.
"They will. If you can't contact Finn, look for Rey. She's–" Ren faltered, not knowing exactly how to explain who Rey was.
"She's the girl you have history with," Terr surmised.
Ren nodded. "Yeah, she is. If you're worried about rank, General Organa can help you as well. She founded the Resistance and is their leader, essentially."
"We know who General Organa is." Of course they did. "I can't really fathom a person like her helping us," Garreaus honestly stated.
Ren gulped, deciding to ease their minds by telling them the whole truth. "Tell her that her son sent you. Maybe that'll make her feel more inclined to help you." Or not, seeing how Ren killed Han.
The two men were baffled while Liz remained out of it, not showing any signs that she'd heard him. "You're her son?" Garreaus questioned.
"My birth name was Ben Solo." Only the higher ranking officials of the First Order knew where Kylo Ren came from, so it wasn't a complete surprise that these deserters didn't know his true origins.
The revelation of who Ren was was overshadowed by the fact that Jorfel was dead and Liz was not doing well. So as the shock drifted away, Garreaus leaned toward Ren, keeping his voice low. "Liz said she was cramping, but I don't know if she's bleeding. She goes in and out and it was hard to talk to her."
Ren breathed in deeply and scrutinized Liz's pale face and distant eyes. He came in front of her, but her stare remained stagnant. "Lizari?" She didn't move. "Is it okay if I touch your belly for a moment?" No answer, just her squeezing Anna closer. Ren softly placed his open palm on her midsection, searching for the life of her baby. The heartbeat was normal and he wasn't under any duress, thank the Force.
"Your son is strong and is doing fine," he told her.
Slowly, she raised her dark eyes to his face. "My… son?"
Ren nodded slightly.
"I didn't know it was a boy," she weakly said. "Jorfel wanted it to be a surprise." And that was when her knees gave out and she dropped to the floor, all three men diving to catch her. Terr grabbed Anna from her arms and Garreaus pulled the woman to him as she sobbed into his chest.
"Get her on the ship. Jorfel's in the cargo bay, if she wants to sit with him," Ren told the men. Garreaus swooped Liz into his arms and Ren grabbed their bags, placing them just inside the cargo hold.
The two men glanced back at him, not knowing what else to say. Goodbyes did not come easy, especially for a situation like this one. They had found out their friend was Kylo Ren, a man they'd fiercely hated, but who had saved their lives not even an hour ago. So the men just nodded their farewells, and Ren turned and shuffled off the ship. He forewent gathering his stuff from his room before they left. None of it was important. He had his lightsaber and that was all he needed.
He should to let go of Rey's journal, anyway.
BB-8 beeped down below, telling Ren his desire to stay. "This is your only chance to get back to the Resistance. You want to pass that up?" The droid remained silent. "Yeah, I didn't think so."
Ren didn't want to watch everyone leave, so he made his way back to the only living person left inside the home. He had some retribution to deliver on a platter full of pain and torture, his favorite kind of delicacies.
Sitting in a chair across from Sheldom's unconscious body, Ren was almost giddy with the excitement of knowing he could do whatever he wanted to this man and no one would ever know. His inner monster scratched to be free and this time, Ren let it out of its constricting cage.
Sheldom woke with a jerk, seeing Ren lounging casually in the chair, making him crawl back in dread. He didn't get far, seeing how the wall was five feet behind him.
"You," Sheldom breathed. Gods, Ren loved how his reputation could strike such sweet fear.
Ren gave the man a smile, which was about as warm as ice. "Well, now that formalities are out of the way, I am very much going to enjoy watching you die."
Sheldom's mind exploded in pain as Ren savagely searched for the information he wanted. He zeroed in on Sheldom's undulating fear, letting the terror seep into the man's conscious mind. Sheldom screamed, wrenching his clothes from his body till he was only in his undergarments. The man clawed at his skin, blood seeping out as he tore apart his own flesh.
Bugs. Out of everything to fear in this decrepit galaxy and this pathetic piece of human trash fears bugs.
Ren amplified that fear by making the guy believe the tiny insects were crawling under his skin, munching on his bones, humming in his brain.
As Sheldom clawed at his outer dermis, Ren's mind calmed, a proud smile stealing his lips. This time was his. He owned this. There would be, however long it took him to do what he wanted to this fucker, peace from the conflict that tore him in two. In doing this damage, he healed himself, if only for a short while… but it was worth every second.
He'd deal with the aftermath later.
Something shiny stuck out from beneath the man's pile of clothes and what do you know, it was a bloody dagger. It was like fate was on Ren's side for once, giving him the most poetic way to end the guy's life.
The black knife levitated off the floor, catching Sheldom's attention. Lunging for it like it was a lifeline, the man snatched it out of the air and rammed the dagger into his protruding gut – over and over and over again. Sheldom's screams were a symphony and Ren was the ever-watchful conductor, helping his masterpiece become a melodious experience for all who viewed his work. Unfortunately, Ren was the only member of the audience in attendance, but sometimes the best shows were the ones that happened in private.
Bright, red blood poured from the wounds, but Ren wanted to see more of it running out of the guy. He planted a thought into Sheldom's head, and Ren didn't even react as the man jammed the dagger precisely into his own throat. Wide eyed, Sheldom took the weapon out with a gurgling grunt, blood shooting out and painting everything in close proximity red – and that included Ren. He was directly pelted in the face with the sticky substance, but he didn't even twitch at the impact. The viscous liquid ran warm and slow down his face and off his chin.
Choking on his own blood, Sheldom slumped to the floor. Ren's favorite part was fast approaching, and he dared not blink, lest he miss it. It was that moment, that second, before death took them when they would always realize that they were indeed going to die. The hopelessness, the grief, the shock – it would all soar into their eyes, a silent plea for help in a situation beyond their control.
It was such a personal gift to behold; a reverent moment birthed out of an act of violence.
And there it was, shining through Sheldom's wide eyes.
The light of life that was prominent behind the man's stare vanished, a testament that the guy's mortality was resolute and firm.
Ren wasn't sure how long he sat there, staring at the body below. Enough time had gone by for the blood to dry on his face and crack whenever he twitched. He rubbed his fingers together, bringing them into view and studying them curiously. No sensation registered in his brain. In fact, his body and emotions were numb, making Ren feel like he wasn't actually there. But his eyes told him that he was still real.
With his brows drawn and lips nothing more than a slash, he went to Jorfel and Lizari's bedroom, entering into their own private refresher. The man in the mirror was animalistic and rabid, but the eyes… they were a soulless pair of white orbs that didn't belong on such a vile face.
One thing was for certain from the reflection: he was saturated with blood and he needed to get clean.
Ren ditched his attire, going through the motions of bathing under the warm shower and drying himself with a dull towel once done. He rifled through Jorfel's clothes, finding a pair of black trousers and a dark shirt that fit him almost perfectly. The shirt was a tad too tight, but it would have to do. In the closet, he found a belt with an attached blaster holster. He added it to his appearance, tying the holster to his upper thigh so it would keep steady. With his lightsaber clipped to the belt and his boots on his feet, Ren exited the tidy room, not caring that his hair was haphazardly done.
Out in the battle torn room, he picked up a discarded blaster and gave it a new home at his side. Putting on his leather jacket, he slipped on the overcoat, bundling up for the frigid temperatures outside.
Ren hadn't noticed before, but the place smelled immensely of copper and burnt flesh, a fragrance he'd gotten so used to over the years.
Suddenly, Ren was looking out the round window above the sink, not remembering having taken the short journey to the kitchen. Then he was outside, trying to decide on which of the thugs' speeders to take. Rubbing his eyes, he grew confused over not remembering how he got from one place to the other. How could he not remember? Was his mind breaking?
Beep!
BB-8 rolled into view, genuinely surprising Ren back into focus. "What are you doing here?" His voice was weighted and reedy, sounding alien to his ears.
"You shouldn't be alone."
"And you think the presence of a droid will quell my loneliness?" BB-8 didn't answer. Ren couldn't stop himself from taking out his frustration on the astromech. "Your functionality must have the range of a fucking toaster if you've decided to stay here instead of going where it would be safe. Did Poe purposefully change your programming so you would be this inane?" He stepped forward, but BB-8 didn't back away. "I don't want you here!" Ren screamed, letting his arms become animated. He rushed at the droid, finally making the thing move away in alarm. "I don't need you! I don't need anyone! Go! I don't want you here! LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Alone…
Ren's upper lip was curled back, his chest heaving the chilly air from his lungs, his body trembling with adrenaline. Even though BB-8 had rolled back a few feet, the droid was still watching Ren, not making a move to vacate from his presence.
Ren buckled and fell to the ground, wrapping his arms around his middle and rocking back and forth, groaning like he was on the verge of being sick. He refused to cry, to break down and let his emotions get the better of him. But… damn, he really didn't want to be alone.
He tried to tell himself he didn't need this; he tried to pretend he didn't need to feel someone beside him, that he wasn't eased as BB-8 refused to leave… that he didn't yearn to feel a warmth or weight against his body. But that was, of course, all bantha fodder.
Ren needed it all.
With the death of Jorfel and the revenge he had exacted, Ren craved the closeness of another, needed to feel arms that gave him an embrace. He had to have a beat of a heart against his own. He needed Rey to give him all these things. Why did he have to come to this place? When was he going to see Rey again? The Force had impressed upon him that they wouldn't be apart for very long, but it felt like centuries since he'd last seen her.
BB-8 rolled up to him, stopping mere inches from his knees. Ren glanced up, his expression appearing younger than it had in a long time. "You know who I am?"
BB-8 nodded and beeped, "Kylo Ren."
"Why do you stay, then?"
"I think you are in need of some company, without the pressures of talking."
BB-8 and Ren had barely conversed during the last two weeks, but the droid understood him without needing an explanation. The droid was perceptive, just like its owner.
The swell of gratitude was overwhelming, and Kylo had the compulsion to hug BB-8 – which was ridiculous since BB-8 was a droid and Ren deplored most hugging. But the little thing seemed to be more human than most actual human beings and that comforted him.
Ren searched through the landspeeders, finding one that would fit two people. He levitated BB-8 into the passenger seat and then climbed behind the controls. It was a two-hour journey to Capital City, where he would hopefully find transport off planet. Activating the speeder's shields so he wouldn't be pelted in the face by the cold air, Ren zipped to the main road, not daring to look back. He needed to keep going forward, for there was nothing left for him in the past.
So why did he feel like he was going in the wrong direction?
()()()()()
"Make it quick," the burly man said as he shoved Leia into a refresher stall.
She wheeled around, glaring at her guard. "My stomach's upset, so I might be a while."
The man huffed and closed the door, leaving Leia alone in the six by six room. She was still in her jumpsuit, which looked more like a sack on her now small frame. Only one meal a day was given, and the food barely even earned to be called that. More like scraps, if Leia was to be accurate.
The years of going through menopause had left Leia with a curvier body than she preferred, but now, she wished she could have it back. Her weight loss was worrisome, making her feel weak and feeble and all around vulnerable. She'd rather carry around the extra weight from before than walk around in this skin and bones. With no extra padding, sleeping on the hard floor was practically impossible as her joints rubbed painfully against the stone.
Maybe this new place will come with a bed, she wondered, trying to figure out where they had transported her to. It was a different planet, that she knew for sure. Even though her head had been covered the whole time, she recognized the sound of a ship's hyperdrive being activated.
Leia surmised she was underground, the trip in the elevator and the feeling of descending a few stories the most telltale signs. There would be no windows down there to help her decipher the new destination. It was freezing, though, letting her know that the planet was going through their winter cycle.
That didn't narrow down the list all that much.
But, the last couple of weeks – or was it longer than that? – Leia had started up a new strategy of getting out of this hell hole. Early on, they had given her a bucket to do her business in, but her guards quickly realized how that punished them as much as her. Now, she was allowed three refresher breaks a day and a shower every three. Guess they were getting tired of her rank smell. Pity, cause Leia was going to miss their disgusted reactions every time they walked into her cell.
Her cuffs were her main objective every time she was left in the refresher since she couldn't try to get them off in her cage. Cameras were always watching her there. It was unwise of them to not put such provisions in the refresher, but Leia figured that no one wanted to watch her sit on a toilet.
A mistake Leia was going to very much exploit.
She sat on the closed lid and concentrated, feeling the blocking power from her heavy restraints. There was always a loophole out of any situation and this was no different. It was harder to find, yes, but it was there, waiting to be discovered. Leia had felt herself get close during the last 'fresher break on the ship and she was determined to find it right now. She was so done being held by that bitch, and getting these cuffs off was her ticket out of here.
Leia pushed, pulled, clawed at the pulsating power, feeling something give in the process. She followed the weak thread, tugging on the chord –
Clink!
The cuffs opened and made their descent downward. Leia caught them before they hit the floor. Her head cocked up to the door, waiting to see if a guard was going to come barreling inside.
Nothing.
Leia's heart pounded like it was going to explode from her ribcage and she instantly broke out in a cold sweat. She wanted to revel in her triumph and rub her sore wrists, but time was not very giving at the moment. Centering herself, she searched for Luke, all but yelling inside her mind and begging him to find her.
Luke instantly shoved back, sending her comfort that filled her soul to the brim. Leia covered her mouth to stifle her cries, basking in the knowledge that her brother was coming for her. He was sending her a plethora of emotions: haste, determination, love.
The pounding from the door made her jump and almost scream. "Hurry it up or I'm coming in there to get ya!"
Leia needed to put the cuffs back on, but paused. Would Luke be able to find her if she was wearing the restraints?
He sent her a wave of reassurance, letting her know that he knew exactly where she was. Even if she were to be moved, she knew how to get the cuffs off. It was only a matter of time before Luke came to get her out.
For the first time since being taken, Leia was filled with elation.
Carise's plan of finding her son and having him kill her was never going to happen.
Thank the Force.
()()()()()
Ren sat at the bar, finding respite in the drinks he was downing. He usually abstained from alcohol since it clouded his senses, but who the hell cared anymore. All of his past encounters with getting buzzed had always ended horribly, but the 'horribly' part already happened and he needed to somehow ease the ache in his chest.
When him and BB-8 arrived in Capital City, Ren went to the section known for its criminal enterprises. You didn't go there unless you needed a hookup or you needed to disappear. The club, with its booming music and adult themes, seemed like the perfect place to go for someone who wanted to be left alone. He would have to see if his assumption was correct. Plus, finding a discreet way of transportation had been easy for him to find. The guy in charge told Ren he would have to work for him in exchange for transportation anywhere in the galaxy, but it wasn't hard for Ren to agree to the terms. No doubt the guy wanted him for muscle because what else was he good for?
Meanwhile, BB-8 had remained quiet, following Ren the whole time and parking its round body next to Ren's stool below.
Not having many credits on him, Ren mind tricked the bartender into keeping the drinks coming. He didn't even know what the majority of them were, but they burned his throat on the way down and that was what he wanted. The taste and color was irrelevant; he was after the drinks effects.
On the other side of the club, the dance floor was tweaking with half naked women performing on platforms and a plethora of species jumping to the beat. No doubt riding the waves of Spice and alcohol and the dirty deeds they had done behind those black curtains in the corner.
The events over the last few hours were still reeling through his brain. Everything had been going good and then in a blink of an eye, it all went to hell. He'd grown comfortable in the life he had established and of the… friends he'd made.
Gods, the way they looked at him when he ignited his lightsaber made Ren cringe. The truth was that sometime since he first met those people, a shift had happened in his heart, a shift that he hadn't noticed till quite recently. He cared. Dammit, he cared about those people and it had happened so quick and fast that he hadn't even felt it at first.
Jorfel was dead and he was never going to see the guy again, never going to talk to him. The man was never going to see his daughter grow up or his son be born. Lizari was probably going to always think about the last thing she ever said to him and dream about the last time they'd ever made love, only to wake up to the reality of a nightmare.
Ren took a long drag from his drink, not wasting his time ogling at the seductive scenery like the rest of the men were. This place was for people who had certain tastes in the carnal. Ren was not one of those people, but nobody knew that. On the outside, his tall, dark form and deep scowl made him blend in with the other criminals and that was all he cared about. He could sit at the bar, nurture his thirst, and not be questioned or disturbed because people here knew not to get into each other's business.
Or so he thought.
A red haired woman shimmied up to his left, sitting in the high stool next to him, purposefully revealing too much of herself in the process. Ren was looking at her out of his periphery, her breasts popping out under the pressure of her gold shimmering shirt, the short black skirt more than useless at covering up her thighs. She swiveled toward him, letting her legs open wide, trying to get his eyes to look at the prize below. Her manicured hand rested on his thigh, inching closer to a certain something beneath his trousers.
Ren froze, baffled by the woman's audacity and the fact that a woman, other than Rey, was touching him.
"You look like a kind gentleman. For the right price, I could give you a good time."
Ren turned, letting the woman get a full view of his scarred face. Her sharp recoil gave him satisfaction, which would have been amplified if she had let out a terrified scream, but he couldn't always have the finer things in life.
"I'm not kind, or gentle," he sneered.
Pedantically, the woman lowered her feet to the ground and backed away, keeping her eyes on him as if he were going to race after her if she moved too fast. He listened to the patter of her heels as she got as far away from him as possible. Grabbing his glass, he swallowed the alcohol like it was water and then placed it back on the wet bar, motioning to the bartender to give him another.
"You don't swing that way?" A man asked as he took the previous spot of the prostitute. "There are men willing to give you what ya want."
Did Ren have a sign on his back asking people to come talk to him? Because he was pretty sure the vibes he was exuding did not come off as very inviting. "Not interested," Ren grumbled.
The guy chuckled. "Well, I'm not sellin'. Just giving a friendly suggestion." Ren turned to the man, making his annoyance hard to miss. The guy was short, fat, and balding in a rather unappealing way. His nose was too large for his small face and those beady eyes reminded Ren of an insect's. All in all, the man was the least threatening person in the whole place.
"Heard you're lookin' for transportation off planet?"
Ren was perplexed that anyone was actually talking about him. "Not anymore. I already found it."
The man smiled, showing his yellow, cracked teeth. "Well, I have an offer for you, one that's better than what Tyrkade gave." Ren just stared, waiting for the imp to continue. "I'll double the pay, and you'll only have to work for me for a week."
"Why would you offer something like that?" Ren asked, thinking there was a catch.
"The job could get a bit messy. It would require... violence." The and killing part went unsaid, but Ren caught the undertone. More money for less work sounded too good to pass up, and he had never shied away from exacting cruelty on others. Except to Rey…. "Have you had a job like that before? I need to know that you'd get the job done."
"I was a mercenary." Naturally, he left out his previous murdering rampage, the fact that he killed his father, and his past as the ruthless man known as Kylo Ren. Actually, why leave out those facts? If he told the guy those things, he would no doubt get the job.
But Ren kept his mouth shut, trying to envision the new life that awaited him. Was he starting fresh, he wondered. He mulled the prospect over. Considering how he just slaughtered a group of men while relishing in their pathetic pleas for mercy, perhaps the term he was searching for was next, rather than fresh.
"Perfect." The man sounded chipper. "You should have no problem with the job, then. Interested?"
Ren shrugged. "When do we leave?" A nudge in the back of his mind was trying to get his attention, but his judgment was too clouded to give it any merit.
"Eight hours, right before dawn. Come to the closed down quarry two miles east of here. I'll be waiting for you inside the main building." The guy eyed Ren's drink before adding, "You might want to be sober before coming. The job would start immediately and is very demanding."
Good to know, Ren thought as he downed the glass, watching the man wonder off out of the corner of his eye. Seeing how he would be staying at the bar till he had to leave, Ren highly doubted he was going to be sober. But the man wasn't hiring him for his brain.
He regarded BB-8 below. "Looks like we found a better job."
"The job might pay better, but is the price worth it?"
For Force sake, Ren thought as the lights flickered and the music roared. The principles of others were so inconvenient, especially when one was a monster.
The price may be exorbitant, but it was worth it if he could get as far away from Lothal as possible. It's not like killing a few more people was going to push him over the edge and break him… right? All things considered, it was possible he'd already fallen off the ledge, possible he was already sliding down the mountain of his own destruction, bumping against boulders and trees, ricocheting and breaking bones, a mortal blow awaiting him.
How much easier his life had been when he wasn't making the decisions.
Snoke had ran his life, giving him freedom from the burden of figuring out his next move. There had been a comfort in knowing that someone else was pulling the strings, and deep down, Ren craved to have that again. True, he didn't always agree with his master and Ren put some of the blame on the man for making him kill his father, but maybe… maybe being back under Snoke's tutelage wouldn't be so bad. Ren had wanted to be immersed in the Dark side and Snoke was just showing him how to do so. Maybe –
No, he scolded himself. You're not going back to him.
How drunk was he that he would actually consider such a thing? He killed his own father for that man; there was no way he could be taught by him now.
Besides, the torture he would undergo by Snoke's hands was not a great thing to experience. Unless a miracle somehow fell into Ren's lap, allowing him to walk back into his previous life without undergoing reconditioning, then it was definitely not worth it.
Not to mention Rey would kill him if he ever returned to the First Order. He couldn't put her in that position. Ever
Rey….
He wasn't sure if it was the club's atmosphere or the alcohol, but his body was greedy to have her. He just wanted to get lost in her, forget all the complications that came with his life and pretend to be someone else.
Maybe a few more drinks'll make me forget who I am, he thought as he drained another glass.
()()()()()
Ren and BB-8 were able to find the quarry and make their way to the big main building at the center. Smaller warehouses jutted out from the surrounding rocky hills and Ren had a tough time maneuvering the speeder across the extremely uneven terrain, but he made it in one piece. His head was pounding, though. When was the last time he slept? Or ate? Felt like years ago.
Walking to the building, it was proving difficult to clear his mind of the fuzziness from the alcohol. Even with the Force, he couldn't quite get his head together. First thing he needed to do was find somewhere to lie down for a while and recoup. If the imp wouldn't let him, he would just compel the guy to allow it.
Ren met the short man at the entrance and BB-8 stayed close to his side, acting unsure of this next journey. Entering an elevator and going down to the basement was the first thing to strike Ren as being odd. If they were leaving the planet, why were they going below ground? That nudge from earlier was back with a vengeance, cracking his skull in half and screaming at him to turn around as he exited into a long hallway.
Something was wrong, but he couldn't figure out what. The small man stopped at an opened door at the end and motioned for Ren to go inside. Curious, he did, but he didn't make it that far before he froze.
Twenty, maybe thirty men lined the back wall, all armed with blaster rifles. A woman with jet-black hair and slanted eyes stood in the middle, her personal army waiting patiently behind her. Her elegant blue dress didn't quite fit with the violent ambiance of the room, or her feral expression. The closer Ren studied her, the more he was sure he'd met this woman before. He also grew more certain that he was not sober enough for what was about to go down.
I should have taken the fat man's advice.
The door suddenly shut and locked behind him, the imp man remaining on the safe side. The safe side.
"I've been searching for you for a long time, Kylo Ren." Her voice crawled across his skin, making him shiver. And not in a good way. Ren clenched his teeth. "Please, come more into the room. You have nothing to fear from me."
He arched a brow. "The arsenal behind you says otherwise."
The woman laughed lightly. "They're for my protection. You're a very dangerous man." Gradually, Ren walked along the wall and stopped when he was across from the woman. BB-8 remained by the door.
Ren was pretty sure he knew what was happening, but the need for the dramatics was what confused him. "So, the First Order finally found me."
"I am a part of the First Order, yes, but they don't know you're here. As of right now, they're searching for you on the wrong side of the planet." Really? "This little visit is personal."
For some reason, Ren grew more concerned. "How did you find me?"
The woman glowed with pride. "I placed my informants in the cities you've recently been to. Apparently, you went on some sort of rampage in Jalath, even going so far as to bring out that lightsaber of yours. My man tracked you down, figuring you would try to flee. So he gave you an offer to transport you off planet."
The thug that got away….
He must have ran his mouth to anyone who would listen that Kylo Ren was on Lothal. "Why exactly am I here if you have no plans to turn me over to the First Order?"
The woman waved to one of the men and he quickly left through a side door. "Do you not remember me?" She did seem familiar, but he couldn't quite place where they had met. "We were introduced at a party, right after you joined the First Order."
And then it clicked. "Carise Sindian."
Her self-satisfied smile took up most of her face. "That's right." The side door opened, the man that had previously left now back, dragging a belligerent person into the room. The individual was cuffed, face hidden behind a black bag, and no doubt gagged from the sounds of her muffled screams. Well, Ren was pretty sure it was a woman since the screeches were of a higher pitch.
The guard and the prisoner stopped next to Carise, allowing Ren to get a better look at the prisoner's filthy jumpsuit. The cut and color of the attire looked military.
"Now, to get down to business." The prisoner stilled upon hearing Carise's voice. "I brought you here to kill someone for me."
What?
Did Ren's hung-over, slightly drunk mind hear that correctly? "You went through all this trouble to find me and bring me here just so I could kill someone for you?" The prisoner reacted almost immediately when she heard Ren's voice. Her head snapped to his direction and her screaming became wild, so much so that the guard punched her in the abdomen, sending her to her knees and shutting her up.
"This isn't just anyone. This woman ruined my life, and you killing her is how I'm going to get justice."
He almost laughed at her. "If it's revenge you want, killing her yourself would be much sweeter. Trust me," he said off handedly.
"Oh," Carise said slyly as she grabbed the bag on the woman's head, "I think you'll be very interested in killing this particular person."
In one fluid motion, the bag came off the prisoner's head and Ren's breath stopped in his chest. He didn't try to regulate his facial expressions and he was sure the surprise was evident on his face. His mind had always been a huge engine underneath his skull and now was the moment it chose to stall, jerk, and turn off.
Life had a way of putting Ren in places he never thought to expect. Under no circumstances, not even the worst nightmares his subconscious could conjure up, did he think he would be in the position he was in right now.
He stared into the horrified eyes of the one woman in the entire galaxy he had hoped to never see again, the one woman who betrayed him and drove him to leave everything behind six years ago. This woman, whose tears flowed down her cheeks and into her tight gag, was his mother, the woman who gave him life… the one person who brought out the worst in him.
A/N
Things are heating up, my friends! Who out there thought Ren was going to accidentally find Leia first? By show of hands, who thinks Rey needs to show up and give Ren a big hug? (raises hand) He is unraveling at this point and just wait till next chapter. I am sorry to leave you on such a cliffhanger, but good things come to those who wait.
Oh, and Rey's journal Ren loves to read? It is an actual book. It's called Star Wars: The Force Awaken: Rey's Survival Guide. So the little snippets in the story are from the actual book, not from my head.
Please leave a review if you feel so inclined. I love hearing all your thoughts, feelings, and reactions to the story! Till next time!