The Space Between Stars

by VinVenture12

Kylo Ren has been humiliated by the scavenger and is now hunting her for retribution. He delves deeper into the depths of darkness along his journey, while Rey soars closer to the light. Strangers on opposite sides of a war, but bound together through their destinies. Both will do whatever it takes to survive, but who will come out victorious? Slow Reylo. Post TFA, Later M rating

26. Chapter 26

Thanks to all who followed, faved, or reviewed the story! You all help me to keep going, even when it gets hard to do so. I am so sorry it took longer than average to post this chapter! I took a week off from writing because I was starting to get burned out and I really want to enjoy the experience of writing.

Guest 2: Yeah for more Reylo! Luke and Kylo do interact in this chapter, but it isn't for too long. Neither like talking to the other. And I am so happy you love their first kiss in chapter 17! I took my time writing that part and am honored that it is one of your favorite kisses on fanfiction! Also, leave as many reviews as you like. I don't mind, trust me. MaelsiC: Rey taking the power from Kayani is going to have repercussions later on. Everything comes with a price! Finn definitely has some issues to work out and with time, he will get there. I try to put some foreshadowing in each chapter, so Luke explaining the Jedi Council and the New Republic to Rey was definitely one of those moments. KatMichBow: Oh boy, your review is legit, but I love it! As a writer, I want you to go through a plethora of emotions and I understand why you are frustrated. Finn is for sure being selfish right now and refusing to look at the situation from an outside perspective. Finn is going to struggle with this and it's not going to be easy. I didn't want to write those Finn and Ren getting along super quickly because if someone tried to murder me, I sure as hell wouldn't trust them any time soon. Please be patient and know this will not last forever. Ren's acceptance of death and not thinking about Rey in those situations is something he needs to learn to stop doing. Love doesn't change a person immediately and Ren is no different. Thanks so much for the in depth review! NightElfCrawler: Of course our heroine would do something amazing, like bringing Ren back from the dead. lol. I was wondering if anyone would notice the changes in Ren because his personality has slowly been altering. Glad you caught that! Natalie-S-246: Luke is definitely not a pushover in my story. He knows when to be savage, but he knows when to show kindness. Unfortunately, he shows Ben more of the former. Ben will always have a certain angst to him and Poe will always be a smartass. hehe. Jnads1: I will for sure be developing Ren and Poe's bromance! I love writing those two, so there will be more to come! Rey needs to realize her feelings and it might take her a bit to do so. Once she does confess them to Ben, it will be a great moment. :) kimmycocopop: Everything is starting to come together... well, the characters are at least. The road ahead will not be easy for Ben and he will probably be tempted by the dark side. Will he go back to it? Guess time will tell... I do want to show how both sides of a war can have problems and be corrupt. No organization is squeaky clean. vana9: Thanks so much for all your kind compliments! I hope your midterm went well! I really want the story to feel like Star Wars, but bring some modern elements into it as well. Character development is a huge deal to me, so I have been taking my time with flushing these characters out and putting them in situations that would cause them to grow. I didn't want to go the cliche route of Ben always having a kind heart underneath it all. Nope, that guy is a monster. He is sadistic, selfish, and power hungry. He murdered his father! Obviously he has a few screws loose and I wanted to convey that to the audience. His growth has much to do with the friends and family he has, but he will always have that side to himself. I guess, in a sense, he is an anti-hero. But that is just my opinion. Good luck with studying and school! EV: I apologize for the long wait! I hope this chapter satiates your hunger!

There are a lot of interactions going on in this new chapter, so that means more dialogue and less inner reflection. But hey, people gotta talk, right? Enjoy the read!

Chapter Twenty-six

Rey pulled Ben by the arm into the hallway, dragging him out of the meeting before hearing anything more from Trend. His feet slapped against the sleek ground, a stark contrast to the thud of her boots, which were in sync with the beating of her thundering heart. By the way Ben relented to Rey leading and how colorless his lips had become, she surmised that he was going into shock.

Rey didn't realize she was taking them to her temporary quarters till they were halfway there, but that was the only private place she knew of. On the way, every single person stopped and stared, some flattening against the wall and others running back to where they came from. No one knew what Kylo Ren looked like, but they must have noticed the scar on his face.

How would they even know about that?

The guards and medical staff must have told people, Rey surmised in her head.

Whatever, it didn't matter that everyone at the Resistance recognized Ben. He was staying and would remain alive, they would just have to get used to it.

When they entered her room, Ben darted straight for the refresher and starting dry heaving into the toilet. The rations he ate before being escorted to the council was barely a morsel of food, so there was no substance for his stomach to expel. But the use of the commode was more out of reflex than actual convenience.

Rey moistened a hand towel and squeezed down between him and the shower, placing the cold relief on his neck and tucking his hair behind his ears. Patiently, she watched his shoulders and back roll with every lurch, his knuckles whiten from his tight grip on the bowl, and his eyes shut firmly from the reality of what he was doing. Rey rubbed his broad back, giving him the only comfort she could think of in a moment like this.

His gags and gasps were hard to withstand, but Rey wasn't going to leave him. Gradually, the retching ended and Ben sat back against the wall, eyes closed, breathing deeply through his slim and still pale lips. Rey went to her feet and grabbed the canteen from her bed, filled it with cool water and handed it to him. She didn't expect him to take it, but he gulped the frigid liquid as they both resettled to their previous positions.

Rey slid the cloth from his neck and tenderly wiped the sweat from his face.

For a fleeting second, Rey wondered if this was what it was like to be a mother: comforting your child while sick, worrying about their every waking moment, fearful that someone would take them away from you. Guess she won't know till she became one.

If I become one.

Not a bone in her body was coded for acting motherly, given how she never had parents to learn the nurturing skill from. Besides, her uterus was probably a barren bag of dust, incapable of creating tiny humans. When was the last time she had her period? A year ago? And she could see Ben never wanting to have children –

Okay, slooooooooow down there, Rey. You don't even know what's going on between the two of you. You should focus on getting through the next few months with him… or, like, the next ten minutes.

Why the hell are you thinkin' of babies? Focus!

As Rey's inner dialogue flipped and tumbled through her thoughts, it all suddenly halted as Ben grabbed her wrist, stopping her from washing his cheek. Opening his dark eyes, it was impossible not to be sucked into their gentle current.

Removing the cloth from her hold and placing her palm over his heart, he hoarsely said, "I'm sorry." Rey knew he wasn't apologizing for the show he had put on a minute ago. By now, they were more than comfortable with revealing their vulnerabilities and weaknesses to each other.

"Why didn't you try to escape?" she whispered. "You knew what would happen to me if you died."

His exhale was the evidence of his exhaustion. "What would you have had me do? Rey, there were soldiers everywhere, I was without my saber, and I'm exhausted. If I tried to get out, I would've been killed."

"So… it wasn't that you wanted to die, right?" A shot of anxiety quaked along every nerve in her body, an aftershock to this whole traumatic experience. If Ben wanted to die… how would she even bring him back from that?

"You're the second person to think I'm suicidal," he muttered. "No, I don't want to die." He didn't sound very convincing. "But you must know... I deserve it."

Her heart rocketed into her throat. "Ben–"

"I saw them," he said abruptly, his eyes filling with sheens of agony never before seen. Especially from him. "Right before I died."

In a breathless voice, she asked, "Who?"

Ben's furrowed brows lowered, shadowing his eyes. "The faces of all those I've killed… the ones who were innocent," he deeply whispered. "I do deserve to die for what I've done, but I'm too much of a coward to offer them justice."

He rubbed his eyes with his free hand before continuing. "Their faces are there every time I close my eyes, every time I blink. They're reminding me…" his voice tapered off.

Rey waited, but the seconds that ticked by proved Ben was getting lost in his head and she wanted to keep him in the present. "Reminding you?" she vocally nudged.

His pupils focused back on her. "Of who I am."

"Were," she corrected him as she scooted closer, feeling his life beat on her open palm. "Who you once were."

He squeezed her hand. "I'm still very much the person I was before." Rey shook her head vehemently, but stopped when he brushed his fingers down her cheek and across her jaw. "You need to accept that, or we're going to have a very difficult time moving forward from here."

No.

"No. You're Ben. You're not that monster anymore." Rey knew how cruel and violent he could be, but that was all from Snoke's doing. That creature made the demon that coiled around his heart.

Ben stroked her hair, running his fingers through her half loose waves and tucking them behind her ear. Then he kept his eyes locked with hers, letting the pause fill the lull. His brows rose up and dropped down, as if he was thinking something over in his mind. Or having an epiphany. Slowly, he said, "I think I'm both those people. I'm starting to see that now."

Rey still refused to believe that, and even though Ben's touch was extremely distracting, she firmly held onto her convictions.

Rey's eyes were like two marbles in a big glass jar, darting across his ashen features quickly. "You can get rid of the darkness within you–"

"I can't," he said as he lowered his hand.

His response rattled her. "I'm gonna prove you wrong."

Sadly, he smiled. "I really hope you do… and I want you to know," he went on as his lips evened out in color, "I would never hurt you. I know you saw what I did in the med room, and I would never get that way with you. Ever. When I say I love you, it means all of me does. Not just the good, but the bad as well."

That proclamation rocked through her, shooting up into her heart and muddling it from fully processing her own feelings. Rey had been so adamant on trying to keep Ben off her mind the last two weeks that she never delved into her own flurry of emotions. Clearly, he had done the opposite.

What is love, anyway? She had never experienced such a foreign concept.

Ben sensed her apprehension and stared at her apologetically. "I'm sorry… I made you uncomfortable."

"No, no I'm fine. It's just… I… am not sure about my feelings… for you." Ben showed no hint of being shocked. Actually, it seemed like he had expected her to confess as much.

He gave her hand a squeeze. "It's okay, Rey. Really. As I said in the med bay, I don't expect anything from you, and I don't want you to feel like I've placed you in an awkward position."

"I think I just need time to figure everything out."

"Take as much time as you need."

She gathered her inner confidence before revealing her desires. "But… I still like the things we do." Indeed, she really did. That was one thing she hoped didn't change.

His head tilted slightly. "The things we do?"

"You know what I mean."

A coy smile played on his lips. "I'm afraid I don't, and you're being rather vague. You should know that I'm the type of man that requires specifics… or an example."

Rey's eyes narrowed. "You've always been good at picking up undertones."

Ren shrugged innocently, the wide grin stretching further across his cheeks. "The skill has evaded me recently."

"How recently?"

"Twenty seconds ago."

Rey studied the features that had been softened by his infectious smile. There was no vile demon behind his stare, no taut muscles in his face, and the constant strain in his neck had vanished. All of this was temporary, of course, which struck Rey as a tragedy. This was Ben, the man before he'd been enslaved by Snoke.

Why can't he just stay that way?

Ben frowned, noticing the odd way Rey scrutinized his face. "Or you can yell at me, if that is what you prefer."

Rey blinked. "What?"

"You're mad at me for everything that has happened," he reminded her. "I was just teasing about needing an example. If you want to yell–"

"I don't want to yell at you."

"You sure about that? I'm quite accustomed to it, so it's fine."

"I would like for us to have the type of relationship where we don't yell at each other. But I'll probably give you a stern lecture later… after I get over being elated that you're alive."

"Of course," he whispered while he bowed his head slightly, as if he were giving her permission to do as she pleased.

"Soooo…" Ben drawled. "Relationship?"

Heat bloomed on Rey's cheeks. "Yeah. We're friends, aren't we?"

"Yes… but friends don't usually kiss each other."

No, no they do not. Rey could've lived under a rock her whole life and she still would have known that little fact.

She focused on Ben's thumb that was gently caressing the top of her hand. The more she gave into the feeling and watched, the more her cells started to vibrate with a need that was frighteningly comfortable.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

"Your hand…"

He glanced at the hand that held hers, briefly pausing his thumb before continuing the stroking with a new purpose. The touch was firmer and glided over a wider width of her skin, burning the sensation into her brain. Ben clasped her small hand between both of his, bringing her palm up to his mouth and rubbing his lips against the sensitive skin while closing his eyes to drink in the experience.

Rey stopped breathing.

"In that council room," he whispered, the heat of his breath draping over her palm, "I thought how I'd never get to do this to you." Snapping his eyes open, his stare drilled into her. "Do you like what I'm doing?" His voice was husky, deep, dangerous… but not the kind you ran from. It was the kind that held you captive, filling its will into your heart till you were saturated with the same mesmerizing desires.

Ben's stare was animalistic, like he wanted to devour every parcel of her body, and Rey was more than willing to give him absolute reign over her being.

She swallowed, realizing that she had produced so much saliva that she was close to drooling. There were no memories to compare this moment to, because Ben was the first man to ever touch her in such a sensual way. Her body was responding in ways that were foreign: blood warming as she sat still, skin flushing without being in the sun, heart hammering from no exertion and… a slick sensation forming between her legs.

"You should stop doing that," she whispered weakly and with zero conviction.

A deep laugh rumbled from his chest as he looked at her from under his brows, an evil little smile on his face. "Why?"

"You know what it does to me." Her breathing hitched as he pulled her closer, his lips sliding up the inside of her forearm. The two held eyes. Some unknown elixir made his luminous, casting her with a spell of need.

"Do I know?"

He moved a hand to her upper thigh, brushing at her capris with his forefinger, as if tantalizing her with a simple touch. But then he spread his wide palm open, moving up and down from knee to hip. Lips on her arm, hand on her thigh, she couldn't think straight or even remember how to spell her name. Through his light petting, her core started to sing, the pleasurable music harmonizing into her skull and down each of her nerves.

Ben's lips turned up in amusement while his predatory eyes roamed down to her heaving chest. All sense of formality aside, he let his desire show through his craving stare. Her immediate reaction was to cover her chest, even though it was already covered in two layers of her usual grey tunic and chest wrap. Every time a man stared at anything but her face, their lust showed in the way their lips curled and their eyes glazed over and it always made her stomach churn in distress. Ben had a similar expression, but what was mixed with his yearning gaze was something no other man had: adoration and patience. He wanted her, yes, but he didn't make any inappropriate moves on her body.

To let him touch certain parts of her, she would have to make herself vulnerable. Did she want to do that with him? "You – you can touch me there… if you want," she breathed, answering her inner question by letting her mouth do the thinking.

Ben froze, halting his light petting and looking at her with wide eyes and a lazy jaw. She blushed deeply, mortified that she had actually said that out loud.

What was I thinking? I never should have –

Ben's spine snapped straight and an indecipherable expression came over his face. Actually no, that wasn't an expression. It was a mask. He'd gone back into hiding within himself, not letting a flicker of emotion splay across his features. Though his eyes seemed to have a hint of anger in them, she couldn't be sure.

"What –"

"Ben!" Luke's voice billowed through the room.

Oh.

Rey cleared her throat before replying to the closed refresher door. "We'll be out in a minute!" She half expected Luke to barrel into the small wash room, but he didn't. No, partaking in such dramatics was not how the Jedi Master preferred to handle situations. He would wait patiently out in the quarters, inconspicuously conveying to her how opposite nephew and uncle actually were.

Rey abruptly stood as Ben let her go and followed her lead. Her cheeks flushed again when she recalled what had happened moments before.

"Rey," Ben whispered as he neared her.

"Just forget it," she muttered harshly, moving toward the sink so she was out of his reach – which was impossible since the refresher was so damn small. Before he grabbed her arm, she flew for the exit, evading any further entanglements that compromised her rationality.

On the way out, she tripped and caught her balance quickly, the humiliation seizing even her basic motor functions. The little tumble would have usually bothered her, but whatever, she'd lost her mind so her pride was hardly a concern at the moment.

It was remarkable that embarrassment was a lot like the cold air of Carlac: You felt it down to your bones, it gave you the chills, and made you want to cough so your throat didn't seem as constricted. Oh, and it flushed your cheeks; couldn't forget that one.

Luke waited in the middle of the room, his eyes tight as he witnessed Rey darting into the confined space while Ben languidly stopped behind her. The last thing she wanted to deal with were questions about the two of them, so she started the conversation before the Jedi Master got the chance. "That meeting went quicker than expected."

"There were some who wanted to give Ben a deal in exchange for his life, so most of the terms of his stay had been written down already. If they want to add anything else, they'll contact me, but I agreed with everything that was requested."

"What did they say?" Rey asked.

With shrewd eyes, Luke's studious expression bounced between Rey and Ben. After a moment of pause, he took in a long breath. "The Force is different between you two. When did the bond form?"

Rey's heart leaped in her throat, cutting off precious air supply. Is the connection that obvious?

"When she was born," Ben deeply responded and Rey could only imagine the face that went with that bottomless voice. She would've turned to see, but her torso was frozen.

Luke winced. "That's not possible."

"Well you can take it up with the entity living within her."

Oh no…

Luke was beyond the point of shock and now in the realm of being absolutely speechless. He didn't move, didn't twitch, and maybe was still breathing, but it was hard to tell since he was wrapped in multiple layers.

Rey was still respiring, though. And hard.

Ben doesn't even like talking to his family and now is the time he chooses to answer one of their questions?!

"What? You don't know?" Ben stepped to her side, looming over her frame so he could catch her attention. "You didn't tell him?" he asked her with a trickle heat.

He cannot seriously be mad at me!

"You need to explain what's going on here, Rey," Luke demanded with authority. Both men's eyes bore into her, making her feel like she was going to combust into a great ball of flame and incinerate out of existence.

"Okay," she raised her hands defensively, taking a step back from the expecting men. Taking a deep breath, she made a plan that they were gonna have to accept, because she did not want to repeat this story a hundred times. "I'd rather explain everything when everyone is together, though."

"Fine," Luke immediately responded. "We'll meet in Leia's office aboard this cruiser in two hours. But I want the whole truth, Rey. Not just what you deem important."

Rey swallowed. "I know, I know. I swear, I'll tell you everything."

Luke studied her before nodding. "Now, I need to speak with Ben. Alone."

Her head shot up to glance at Ben, but all she received was his temple protruding profile. He was eyeing his uncle and not even hiding the disdain seeping out of his features. She was about to protest, but Luke interrupted her with another order to leave and meet at his sister's office.

Carefully, she walked to the entryway as if there were unknown pressure points in the floor that would explode from her leery steps. Before leaving, she looked back, catching the harsh gaze of Ben's eyes. They softened slightly as they locked onto hers. She curtly nodded, silently imploring him not to do anything that fell into the parameters of being violent… and that included his words.

Out in the hallway, she headed for the comms center of the ship. She needed to focus on contacting Finn and somehow convincing him to come up here.

()()()()()

Luke scrutinized the man before him, breathing in the deadly air that swirled around the stranger. Ben's face was cast-iron tight, his body even tighter as he crossed his thick arms over his chest. Cruelty was etched into his eyes, a type of cruelty that was not bound by conscience or a sense of grace, but rode on lamentations of dark deeds. Those eyes have watched as countless beings were tortured and killed… they watched as Han Solo died.

This was not his nephew.

Physically, the man had packed on at least seventy pounds of muscle since the last time Luke had seen him, giving him an appearance of strength and intimidation. The face was wrong as well, but it wasn't because of the scar. The glower was something that seemed permanent, like the man hadn't experienced a lick of happiness throughout his whole life.

But there had been happy times. There had been moments where Ben had smiled. Even when things had been... complicated.

Ben, as Luke remembered him, had been an awkward kid while growing up at the academy. He never tried to fit in with the other students, instead content with being a loner. The only reason they respected him later on was because his power grew with age. People feared what they couldn't fight.

Anger crept into Luke's emotional grid, trying to poison him into doing something foolish, but the feeling diffused into the self-control that clothed him. "You look different," Luke stated.

Ben arched a brow, but kept his demeanor the same. "A scar across the face would do that," he replied coolly, like he wasn't mad it was there.

"The people who came to Carlac on my ship... are they alright?" Ben asked, his hard eyes melting minutely.

"They're fine. They're situated on the base below. I believe the mother and daughter are trying to find a place to stay that isn't in the middle of a war."

Ben nodded as he heard the news, but he kept his face complacent. "Who on the council didn't want me dead?"

"Why do you want to know? Are you going to convey to them your gratitude?"

Ben just stared. Luke scrutinized his lifeless face, remembering the smile he used to see on his nephews lips. Tried to envision it on his cold features.

He couldn't.

"I didn't think so," Luke added. "If you want to stay on base, there are conditions that need to be met. The first being that after the meeting today, you will undergo a psych evaluation."

"No."

"It's non-negotiable. And you're going to answer every question honestly and show the doctor respect."

"And if I don't pass?"

"You won't be allowed on base and must stay up here." Ben's eyes pinched. Luke continued. "After the evaluation, I'll take you to the med bay where a tracking chip will be placed in your arm. If you leave the cruiser unauthorized or go three miles outside of the base, the chip will release a drug into your bloodstream that will paralyze you."

"Not kill me?"

"Unless you try to hurt another person, you're not to be harmed. I made that explicitly clear. Rey and I are responsible for you while you are here. If you do anything illegal, we will be held accountable right along with you."

"Rey has nothing to do with this," Ben said sharply.

"Because she's my apprentice, they don't see it that way."

Ben was breathing heavier now, but still had a leash on his temper.

"Next, you'll give the council all the information you know about the First Order. All of it. Whatever they want from you, you will do it. If any of the council members or your mother gives you a command, you follow it."

"She isn't–"

Luke waved his hand through the air. "You want to pretend she isn't your mother? Fine, but you'll show her the respect her rank demands. If she orders you to do something, you follow through."

"I'm not a child."

"Really? Adults have more control over their emotions than what you exhibited in that medical room. You are a child, Ben. You are a child living among men, and it's about time you grow up and realize no one has a perfect upbringing."

Ben's right eye twitched, but he remained still. "You ever think if you didn't stay on that rock for six years, maybe the Resistance would be fairing a lot better than it is now?"

Luke sighed indignantly. "You always did have a sharp mouth and keen intelligence, but we both know you're just trying to hide the fact that you're an empty shell of a person now. In the end, that's all the Dark side will give you: nothing. And with nothing, your soul has starved and died."

Annoyed didn't even begin to describe Ben's expression, but Luke had him by the short hairs, and his nephew knew it.

Luke wasn't bothered in the slightest as he carried on. "When this war ends and if we are both alive, I will enact upon you a punishment befitting of your crimes."

Ben's brows shot up. "You going to kill me? That's not the Jedi way," he mocked.

"You throw my ideals in my face like it's a cage restricting my choices. But between you and me, who's the one imprisoned here? Do not think for a moment you are a free man."

As the silence drifted on, Luke knew Ben was entertaining all the different ways he could kill him. It was apparent behind the hostile stare that didn't relent.

What Luke needed to say next was sure to make his nephew more enraged, but Luke had zero propriety when it came to this boy. "Whatever is going on between you and Rey needs to stop."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. It's not healthy for her to grow close to you."

"This bond makes your request impossible."

Luke tilted his head as he lectured Ben as if he were a student at the academy again. "You think you're the first Force user to have a connection with someone else? You're not. Those people didn't let the bond get too deep and they certainly kept their personal feelings out of it."

"Personal feelings?"

"It's obvious Rey cares for you, and she shouldn't. We both know what kind of person you are. You slaughtered the students at the academy – your own peers. Do you know how old the youngest student was?" Ben trembled with fury, his lips thinning into a line. "Yeah, you do, don't you? How old was she? I'm not leaving this room till I hear you say it."

"Seven," Ben's voice cracked.

In a haughty voice that was not going to play well, Luke said, "Seven. Years. Old." He stepped closer to his nephew, craning is head back to meet him in the eye. "Did it empower you to kill a child? Or did you find that satisfaction when you murdered Han?" A lick of anger went off in his mind like a match strike, telling him to punish Ben for all his wrongdoings in the most violent manner possible. But instead, Luke turned and walked to the exit, breathing deeply as if he could expel such aggressive feelings and thoughts.

Ben was red in the face, raw hatred coloring his demeanor and making every muscle in his body twitch with the promise of retaliation. If his nephew became anymore enraged, he would have to be peeled off the ceiling.

Shame flooded Luke's tenacity, alarming him that he'd let his emotions dictate his words. He never should've said those things to his nephew, not because it made Ben angry, but because it made Luke want to seek vengeance for his deceased students… and his dead friend.

But unlike an animal, Luke could control his physical actions.

"Stay here until I can find someone to escort you to Leia's office." And then Luke was in the hallway, his feet taking him somewhere he didn't even know.

How am I going to find someone who's willing to escort Ben around the cruiser or the base?

The answer was easy and one he didn't like: Rey was the only person who would want to do it.

Actually, she might not be the only one. Commander Dameron seemed comfortable around his nephew, so maybe he could get the pilot to help.

Rey and Ben's time together needed to be monitored and cut in half. Ben could very well corrupt the girl and Luke was not going to let that happen.

()()()()()

Ren sat on the sofa, slouched slightly with his arms crossed and his boots firmly planted on the floor. Poe had brought him some of his clothes from his light freighter, giving him a black long sleeve shirt and trousers, his usual gettup as of late. All of his battle attire had been confiscated, but it wasn't like he was about to walk around this place wearing those robes. Luckily, his boots were still on the Falcon and were now comfortably on his soles. His feet had always been abnormally large, so finding a pair of shoes that fit perfectly had always been a challenge.

Ren wiggled his toes, letting himself revel in something that felt familiar.

If his lightsaber hadn't been lost, he would be feeling like his old self again.

Well, maybe.

Like they would let you carry that around.

Glancing to the side, Poe was sitting on the floor by the door, parts of the blaster rifle circling him like a protective barrier. The pilot was cleaning his weapon and inspecting the metal fragments closely. Ren had initially been surprised that Poe had brought a cleaning kit to the meeting, but the shock had quickly turned to envy when Ren started to become anxious and wished he had something to occupy his time. Instead of just sitting there.

Waiting.

Skywalker sat on the sofa across from him, eyes closed and appearing to be asleep. More than likely the Jedi didn't want to be reminded that Ren was in the room.

Leia was next to her twin, and even though Ren made a valiant effort not to look at her, his eyes disobeyed him every time he glanced in her direction. He always found her staring at him. He could feel her retina's on him now, watching as he pretended to be enthralled by Poe's monotonous task. She was probably waiting to see if he would go on another psychotic rampage that would leave him and the room bloody.

Rey's incessant pacing from behind didn't calm his nerves any. Finn was fifteen minutes late and he could feel her anxiety at the prospect of him not showing up. Groaning internally, Ren just wanted to know what Rey was keeping from him. He tried to get it out of her as she escorted him to the office, but she wouldn't say much. All she alluded to was that it heavily involved him, which reaffirmed that there was way more going on than he initially thought.

Plus, she was still mad at him for the events in the refresher. Although, he wasn't exactly sure why. Did she regret the offer she gave him? Honestly, his brain had shut off when she gave him permission to touch her in such a private area. Then she snapped at him and left, leaving him confused.

Ren had no previous training when it came to women and now he kind of wished he did.

He sighed as his thoughts drifted to what came after the refresher incident. So many demands that had to be met for him to stay here: A tracking chip in his arm. Keep his temper under control. Undergo a psych eval. He could only imagine the questions that were going to be asked.

Today was going to be a long day, especially since a couple hours ago he'd been dealt a death sentence, was saved at the last minute, and nearly passed out in the refresher from the realization he was going to live. Gods, he was exhausted and running on the fumes of the few rations he'd been able to scarf down.

Ren tried preoccupying his mind with the feeling of his lips against Rey's palm… the softness of her skin in his hands… the flush that blossomed on her cheeks. She was usually a focal point in helping him to calm down, but right now, it wasn't working. Too many people were in this room, people that made him tight in the head.

He speculated on what Rey was going to reveal soon, but didn't get very far as his muscles tingled with a pretense of foreboding.

A click in his mind was trying to tell him that he was headed for a collision of some kind, but the wall was in the form of knowledge and the aftermath was going to be based on how he handled whatever news he heard in the next twenty minutes. Was he going to ram himself into this metaphorical obstacle or lay softly against the hard edges? The bitter darkness within was always waiting to wreak havoc, but he wasn't going to allow it because Rey was here.

And besides, whatever she said couldn't possibly be that bad.

Right?

"He isn't coming, Rey," Ren breathed out, fighting against the urge to claw at his own skin. She needed to calm down or she was going to cause him to have an anxiety attack.

Clenching his fists tight, Ren lost himself to the stinging pain of his fingernails puncturing his skin, permitting him some relief from Rey's emotions. Having both sides of the bond closed was basically useless, given how he could feel her so easily at the moment.

Rey kept up the pacing, wearing the metal with the soles of her boots. "I just want to wait a little longer," she responded.

Well, I just want to get this meeting over with, he hotly thought.

Ren's frustration wasn't pointed at Rey, but at the trooper for abandoning her and skipping out on this lovely get together. He hated the guy, but he knew the revocation of his friendship with Rey was hurting her deeply, which made Ren feel protective and aggressive all at the same time.

The door slid open and Finn strode in, his eyes immediately locking onto Ren's, both shooting each other a short-stacked glare. "Finn," Rey said as she tried to touch his shoulder. He brushed her off, moving behind the general and Skywalker, leaning against the wall without saying a word. Rey composed herself quickly, but Ren felt the sting that came with the denied contact.

Dammit, he wanted to yell at that trooper to apologize and be Rey's friend again, even though Ren wanted nothing to do with the bastard.

"Okay," Rey muttered as she sat next to Ren. "Well... thanks for all of you being willing to be here and to wait for me to explain... everything, I guess. I know you all have questions and I wanted everyone in the same room so I can air everything out in one go. I, uh, don't know where to start, exactly… so guess I'll just start at the beginning."

No one interrupted; they were all too enthralled with the tale Rey was weaving. Snoke being thousands of years old? Having a twin sister he murdered? And the sister being the entity attached to Rey? It was A LOT to take in, and if Ren's mind could actually form a question, he was sure he would ask it.

"You didn't know this about Snoke?" Skywalker pegged the question at Ren when Rey was finished.

"No."

"Don't lie."

Ren almost growled in response. "I'm not. Supreme Leader didn't tell me everything, so this is all news to me as well."

"Supreme Leader?" Leia said, repulsed.

Ren ran his scarred hand through his hair roughly, making a note to somehow get some gloves later. "Snoke, whatever. Who cares what he's called."

"He isn't to be called Supreme Leader," Leia squared off at him.

"Fine. I shall endeavor to rewire my brain so I don't have a slip up. Satisfied?"

His shortness with Leia turned awkward since no one knew what to say next. But you could always count on Skywalker to swoop in and save the day – or meeting, as it were.

"So, Kayani wants you to find Snoke through Ben so she can kill him," Luke reaffirmed, leaning onto his knees and studying Rey intently. They all composed themselves rather quickly, all seeming eager to get back to relevant issues.

"Yes."

"No," Ren interjected, locking onto Rey. "This is–it's ridiculous. No. You're not getting anywhere near Snoke."

Luke eyed him. "If Kayani can kill him–"

Finn cut in. "And you all are just going to take the word of a dead girl no one has ever heard of?"

Dammit, Ren agreed.

Rey shook her head. "She isn't lying, Finn. I told you, I can feel her telling the truth."

"Wait," Ren held up his hands and pointed at the trooper. "He knows about Kayani?"

"I told him after I found out," Rey muttered. Finn smiled slightly, taunting Ren… and it was working.

"When does Kayani want you to find Snoke?" Poe asked, now standing in his designated corner.

Ren swiped his hand through the air, his aggravation pouring out of his voice. "She's not going to find Snoke. Are you people insane? None of you seem to realize how powerful he is."

"You do," Skywalker pointed out.

"Yeah, I do," Ren sharply agreed. "He will kill her. Kill. Her."

"If you and I are there with her, maybe she'll have a chance."

Maybe.

Luke wanted to bet Rey's life on a maybe? Ren stared at the man, dumbfounded at the absurd suggestion. Has Skywalker fucking lost it? Is this what they teach these morons at the Resistance? To fight a battle they can't win?

"Ben can't be anywhere near Snoke. He can't come with me," Rey stated loudly in the beginning, but her voice became a whisper by the end.

Ren shot her a confused look, and he wasn't the only one. His brows knit so tightly together that his forehead twitched. "What are you talking about? If anyone went with you, it should be me."

Rey cleared her throat, looking down at the floor. "I... Well, there's more to the story that I haven't told any of you." She inhaled, then continued without pausing, like she was a locomotive with no brakes. "Apparently, Snoke has been alive this long because he somehow… transfers his essence into another person's body. The main reason he's been taking apprentices is to make them strong enough in the Force so the transfer can be successful. And before any of you ask, no, he can't just take a random body; the person has to have great power for it to work. None of the vessels last long and Kayani thinks it's because both sides of the Force are not prevalent within the hosts."

Rey met Leia's eyes, feeling more comfortable with explaining it to her rather than Ren. "Snoke has known about Ben before he was even born; he sensed how strong he could be in both the light and the dark. I think having been born of the Light side, but knowing the Dark, he became the perfect option. He used Ben's power to help build up the First Order and get him prepared for…" Rey's voice trailed off, but they all knew what she was alluding to.

The stretch of silence that followed was as long as a Super Star Destroyer.

Ren rarely had out of body experiences, and this was definitely one worthy of being added to that short list. His lids didn't blink as he looked at Rey like he'd never seen her before. Gradually, she turned to him, her eyes pained with what she had revealed. Everyone – EVE-RY-ONE – was staring at him, wondering how he would take the news that he, in fact, had been used the whole time.

Somehow turning invisible was exactly the kind of balm he needed at the moment.

Of all the thoughts billowing in his mind, one screamed louder than the others: it was all a lie. Snoke had cunningly preyed on Ren's need to fulfill his grandfather's destiny. To have a purpose. Ren had been an animal in a cage, being fed till he was plump and fat and ready to be slaughtered when the time was perfect.

His father had been right: he'd be used till Snoke got what he wanted and then be crushed in the end.

Part of Ren had known he was being expended, but he always thought it would be worth it, as long as he was able to use Snoke's training to become stronger and delve deeper into the darkness. Now… it had all been for nothing. All the people he murdered, the vile things he had said, the lengths he stretched to be on the Dark side – it was all meaningless now.

Meaningless.

Skywalker was right. Beneath the power and the conviction, he'd been left with nothing, because the Dark side only took, it never gave.

To believe wholeheartedly in a lie was the ultimate show of weakness and now everyone knew him for what he was: a weak man that was ruined by his own choices.

Ren's glossy eyes snapped to his mother. She was covering her mouth and fighting back tears, but she didn't look away. The expression on his face was one of vulnerability, a child lost and quietly imploring this woman to help him find his way. But he took too much from her to deserve such assistance. Because of him, she lost the man she loved and the only child she ever had.

And… shit, the hate he carried for her was still there, still festering beneath the surface, beating him into disfigurement.

"Did you know about this?" Skywalker asked softly.

Ren tensed and glanced at the Jedi. "What the fuck do you think?"

They all took that as a no.

"Okay…. Guess that means we need to keep Ren out of First Order hands," Poe pointed out. "More than likely, they all think he's dead, so that can work to our advantage."

"Everyone here knows he's alive," Finn countered, rubbing his hand back and forth on his skull trim. "Word will travel to the First Order and spread through their ranks quickly, if it hasn't already."

Oh, the First Order knew. Ren could still feel the weak bond he had with his master. Unfortunate how that stain didn't leave when he died. It was almost like fate left it there on purpose, mocking him for how deplorable he let his life become.

"The First Order will find out soon, anyway," Luke said while stroking his beard. "The council is going to make it public that Kylo Ren has defected and joined the Resistance. They were wanting to use him in some new propaganda."

That plan shouldn't have surprised Ren as much as it did, but apparently his brain matter wasn't as sharp as it used to be. He should've known he'd be used as a pawn since apparently that was all he was good for. Trying to find a loophole out of the obligation, he reviewed what kind of options he had.

Which were, like… none.

Hauntingly, his childhood dream of being a physician and leading a simple life came to mind, which tore at him even more. "I'm still here, you know," Ren grumbled. "No reason to talk around me."

"Don't like being ignored?" Finn asked. Ren glared at the breathing piece of bantha fodder.

"Did you ever read anything on Ahch-To that spoke of Snoke or Kayani?" Rey asked the Jedi Master, ignoring the little row.

"Not that I can recall, but there were books I didn't get to reading. There could be something in the temple…"

Ren zoned out for the remainder of the discussion, even when the conversation circled back to him. Probably would've been a good idea to offer up his own opinion on the whole somebody-wants-to-steal-your-body revelation, but his neurons weren't functioning properly. He felt as if he were floating, his body adrift, his head somewhere other than on his broad shoulders. Could be he was still not at full strength and that was what caused the commotion in his brain. Or it could be the fact that his whole life had zero value.

What a waste to have even been born.

The weird part to all of this was how numb Ren had become. No anger. No lashing out. No yelling. He had chosen the life he led. He had volunteered for all of it. He had always been a passenger, subject to the driver's impulses as to speed and destination. Why try to fight for control when he never had any? Giving in was just expedient and less tiresome in the long run.

Tired.

He was so very tired of all the fighting, and it was out of his nature to let go of his pride completely, but here he was, considering it. His intellect was no longer a ruler of the realm, but a subject. Emotions were all that flowed in his veins.

"Ben?" Skywalker asked, and from all the studious stares, Ren deduced the Jedi had been trying to get his attention for a while.

"What?" Ren countered with none of his usual zeal.

Skywalker frowned. "Your evaluation is in ten minutes. Poe's going to take you."

"I can take him," Rey stated as Finn moved for the exit. She popped up from the sofa, eyeing her friend. "Where are you going?"

Finn shrugged. "The meeting seems to be over, unless there's something else that needs to be added?" The silence was dense. "I need to get back to the ESC."

Ah, yes, the stormtrooper club. Gotta stay away from that group.

The man left and Rey listed forward before glancing at Ren, like she was trying to decide whether to go after the trooper or stay with him.

"Go. I'll be fine," Ren told her. Rey darted out of the office, calling out for her friend.

"I don't know if it's a good idea for Ren to get the evaluation after everything that just came out," Poe said with caution, obviously noticing Ren's despondency.

"I'm fine," Ren repeated evenly. Interesting how Poe was the only person in the room who appeared to care about his mental state. But that was how it always went with his family, now didn't it. They never really showed that they cared.

To be fair, it's not like you ever gave them your affection, a voice argued in his head, making an apt point.

Ren stood, adjusting his shirt over his trousers.

"I don't want this meeting to mess with your head and cause you to fail the psych eval," Poe stated honestly, his expression full of worry as he walked up to him.

"If Ben fails, it will be because he should. It won't be because of this meeting," Skywalker said prosaically. Leia remained quiet beside her brother.

"Such compassion, uncle," Ren bit out, shocking the man for identifying him as family. Ren grinned with an edge, juxtaposing his features with his smooth voice. "Remind me again why you and I always had a hard time getting along? Was it because you're a self-righteous hypocrite? Yeah, I think that was it."

Pivoting quickly, Ren left the peeled stares behind, stopping a few feet into the hallway. The trooper and Rey were talking further down and Ren had a feeling he shouldn't get involved. He had a tendency of making things worse.

Poe came out, thankfully guiding him in the opposite direction as Ren memorized the layout of the journey. Oh, he was going to fail this ridiculous test, no doubt about it. So he might as well get used to living in this metal hovel that was straight out of the Clone Wars.

Ren kept up the steady pace, putting one foot in front of the other. Then repeated. Then repeated. More and more people piled into the corridors until he became just another drone among the many, albeit a smidge taller than most.

Not long thereafter, Poe left him in a room that was the size of a closet. His thoughts stayed behind to keep him company, but really, Ren was alone… alone to think when he just wanted to shut down… alone to wallow in his familiar self-hatred…. alone to witness his iron resolve start to break.

Just... alone.

()()()()()

"Finn!" Rey hollered as she ran after him. "Can you just stop and talk to me for a second?" She grabbed his arm and tugged him around, his demeanor clearly irritated.

"What?" He snapped at her, shrugging out of her hold. "What do you want to say?"

People passed by, shooting them curious looks, but giving them a wide berth to talk. "I… I just…" Rey stammered as her thoughts jumbled into a mushy mess.

"Rey, I need to get back to the base." Finn turned to walk away, but Rey couldn't let him go.

"I miss you," she proclaimed desperately, causing him to stop and look back at her. Closing the small distance between them, she stared directly into his eyes, wanting him to see the truth behind her words. "I miss you, Finn. I am so, so sorry for how everything came out and for lying to you. I was a coward and too afraid to tell you the truth because I thought you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. And I really needed your friendship. None of this is fair to you, I know that. I can –"

"He tried to kill me," Finn interrupted hotly. "He killed Han and you're over here acting like your best buddies."

Rey gulped, knowing she should be honest. "I'm his friend," she muttered as he scoffed. "But I'm your friend, too. I care about you –"

"Don't lie."

"I'm not lying!" Rey bellowed, taking Finn by surprise. Breathing deeply, she went on. "You're the first friend I've ever had, and we've been through so much together. We fought together. Laughed together. Struggled together. I can't – I won't let you stop being my friend. You're too important to me. So I'm going to bug you till you can't ignore me any longer." Rey stood confidently, watching as he sighed and glanced at the bright ceiling.

"But you and him…" Finn whispered. "You're a package deal, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're together," he stated.

"Together?"

He rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Yeah, we're friends –"

"You're more than friends. The way he stares at you when you aren't looking tells me he wants to be more than just friends with you… if you aren't already." Rey wasn't sure how to respond to that. "I'm really struggling to understand how you can be so accepting of him after everything he's done."

The sudden dread in his eyes startled her. "There's a good side to him, Finn," Rey explained gently. "He hides it from everyone because of his pride, but the person he used to be is still in there. Snoke made him into the monster you and I fought on Starkiller base. If you had that creature in your mind your whole life, pushing you to the Dark side, could you honestly say that you would have resisted him forever?"

Finn's expression went from repulsion to contemplation, sparking a small flame of hope that she was getting through to him. "It doesn't change what he's done. He was an adult when he chose to join the First Order. He grew up knowing right from wrong. His actions are on him."

"And how many of your stormtroopers have killed innocent people? How many of them have followed orders just as blindly as Ben did?"

Finn's face morphed into raw anger, an expression that didn't fit who he was. "Don't bring them into this. We were indoctrinated from a young age and basically brainwashed –"

"So was Ben, but he received personal attention from Snoke," Rey griped in, not backing down. "I think if you looked close enough, you'd see similarities between you and Ben –"

"Don't compare me to him. You people think you know that... that... thing? I've worked for him. You have no idea how ruthless he can really be."

Stars, this conversation was quickly getting out of control, going in a direction Rey didn't intend.

Rey took a quick moment to collect herself. "I understand how –"

"No, you don't. He's a ruined man, Rey, and you shouldn't have interfered with his execution." Finn breathed in and muttered, "But he won't last long on the base anyway."

Rey couldn't help but get defensive. "You would just love to have an excuse to kill him, wouldn't you?"

"I don't need an excuse. I think a lot of dead people constitutes as a reason."

"You want him dead even after just learning what it would do to me?" her strained voice asked as Finn looked away, ashamed.

"I don't want that for you," he softly admitted.

The traffic in the hall was becoming denser, but no amount of bodies was going to get Rey to move. In one fluid outtake, the vigor that was poised in them both evaporated, leaving two tired and sorrowful people behind. Finn wouldn't look at her, wouldn't even give her a glance.

"Look, I need to get back," he uttered.

The voice that came from her mouth was more child than woman, but she didn't care how pathetic it sounded. "But… I want to talk and try to work this out."

Finn moved his head back and forth. "As long as he's in your life, I don't know if there's a way to work through this."

"What if when you and I are together, he isn't there?"

Finn let out a sad chuckle, his eyes digging into the floor. "Rey…"

She touched his arm. "I know it sounds ridiculous. But I don't care. Just think about it."

Lifting his gaze, he regarded her for a long moment. "I don't know… the fact that you're with him makes it hard to be around you."

"Oh," Rey dropped her hand back to her side. "So… I'm also the problem," she whispered solemnly, her fallow heart beating erratically in her chest.

Finn nodded, averting his gaze back to the floor. "You're doing well, though… right?"

"Yes," she muttered.

Except for the fact you don't want to be around me.

"Good. That's… good."

Finn didn't lift his head.

He couldn't look at her.

"I gotta go," Finn mumbled with numb disregard. "Take care of yourself." He pivoted and brusquely walked down the bright hallway, disappearing around the corner.

Rey stood there longer than necessary, staring at the end of the corridor as dozens of unsuspecting crew members walked by.

Part of her questioned why she was fighting so hard for a friendship that didn't want to be reciprocated. But the lonely, little girl from Jakku told her not to acquiesce so easily. Finn was precious to her; he always had been. The ease at which they would talk and laugh with one another was a gem Rey didn't want to give up or lose.

Rey put on a stoic face and headed to where Ben would be. She was an adult and was more than capable of making a plan to get Finn back by her side. Her mind was collective, her plans filed in order, but her throat and stomach clenched with stress. Even though she seemed at ease, all she wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry for what she more than likely lost forever.

She wanted to yell out for help, but knew she couldn't. Choices that she had made were nobody else's concern, and the consequences were hers alone to bear.

()()()()()

Ren sat in a chair that was too small for his tall frame, looking at the rust marks that lined the wall and ceiling of the stark room he'd been shoved into. His head tilted back, studying the one erosive stain that actually resembled something familiar. The circular mark reminded him of the process of cell division, more specifically the part where the spindle fibers attached to the chromosomes that lined up in the center. Before realizing what he was doing, Ren imagined the rest of the sequence: The chromosomes would then start to move to the opposite ends of the cell as the spindle fibers shortened. As they reached the ends, the nuclear membranes formed and then cell division –

The door slid open, an older Harter Kalonia walking into the chamber, holding a thick binder at her side. Ren straightened quickly, making the chair creak in protest at having a man in a seat designed for a child.

Or maybe the chair was of average size and he was just freakishly big.

Harter moved fluidly to the chair on the opposite side of the table, placing the binder down with a heavy thud before sitting. The doctor always had a certain love for the old ways, so it didn't come as a surprise that she didn't bring a datapad.

Taking out a pen from the inside of her brown vest, she snapped it to attention and wrote something down in her big book of secrets. The woman had aged, the skin below her chin now sagging and weathered lines crinkling around her eyes. Memories of being at her clinic grappled Ren, holding his attention with a strangling hold. He had once held this woman in high regard and respected her immensely, probably more than anyone else from his past life.

Which was why he didn't want her to be here. "I want a different doctor," Ren demanded.

Harter paused, resting the pen on the page and studying him quietly. "Why? I do have a degree in psychology and have given dozens of psych evaluations before."

"I don't question your credentials. You're more than capable of doing this, but I don't want it to be you asking me questions."

"Because I once knew you?" Ren shifted slightly, folding his arms across his chest. "That was a long time ago. And besides, no one else would willingly get in a locked room and ask you personal questions that could potentially set you off." There was a small hint of a smile on her lips, as if there was an underlying joke to her statement.

"Before we start," she went on, " there are some things that need to be clarified. On paper, you will always be known as Ben Solo, since that is your legal name. But what would you like to be called on the base?"

"Ren."

"Okay." She wrote his response down. "Now, there are some details I need to go over with you before we begin. All your crimes have been pardoned, including any crimes you talk about during this session or vocalize in the future. Next, I am to tell you that you still have access to your inheritance and your titles are still in place. You are an heir apparent and will be invested with the appropriate title of prince when New Alderaan is settled with monarchial ties to the original one." Oh yes, the part of my life I never really cared for. "As far as I know, a planet in the outer rim has been put up as an option and already has families from Birren populating it."

That was certainly news to Ren. He might be getting the title of prince way sooner than he thought. He'd always banked on being dead before anyone with an ounce of organizational skills found a suitable planet, populated it, and went through the time to petition to be recognized as New Alderaan.

"Of course, this is all dependent upon your cooperation with the Resistance and that you cause no one harm while being here," Harter added.

"Of course," Ren responded dryly.

Harter pushed a paper and pen in front of him, explaining that he needed to read over the agreement and sign it before they continued. Ren scanned the contract, most of the terms having already been explained to him by Harter and Skywalker. However, toward the bottom, it was stated that if he broke any of the rules he would be handed over to the Resistance council and Skywalker could not interfere. It might actually be a better idea to fail the evaluation on purpose so he could stay up here, because down on the base with a bigger population of Resistance soldiers, Ren was bound to do something really stupid.

But… his time with Rey would be extremely limited on this ship.

Picking up the pen with his dominant right hand, Ren placed it on the signature line and paused. "You have to sign with your full legal name," Harter said as if she could read his mind.

Perfect.

Ren fluidly put his past identity to paper, then took a moment to gaze at the name that was foreign to him.

Ben Organa Solo

He rested back against the spine of the chair, sliding the pen and paper back.

Harter filed the document into a folder. "How are you feeling right now?"

"Fine."

"You're not annoyed at being forced to be in this room?"

Ren shrugged. "I don't really like talking about how I feel or the events of my life. But really, who does?"

"Why don't you like talking about your feelings?"

Ren outwardly groaned and glanced at the familiar rust spot. Three questions in and he already felt like ramming his head against the wall.

Dammit… if he wanted an ounce of artificial freedom, he had to start giving answers. And Skywalker would know if he half-assed his way through it.

He cleared his throat. "I've always viewed feelings as a weakness."

"All feelings or just specific ones?"

Ren leveled out his head, settling in for the very long exchange. "Expressing or showing emotions has a certain vulnerability attached to it that makes me uncomfortable."

"Do you prefer to ignore your emotions then?"

He stretched out his legs, crossing them at the ankles. "As much as I can."

"What happens when you can't?"

"You saw what happened to my room in the med bay."

"So you always get physical when you can't control your emotions."

"Or I just don't feel anything."

"Like you become mentally numb to a situation?" Ben nodded. Harter scribbled something down. "When do you not feel anything? What kind of situations?"

"And if I don't answer that question?" Harter just stared at him, waiting. Ren worked his jaw and breathed in before answering. "After I kill someone, usually."

Harter didn't even blink at his response. "What about during?"

Ren shifted in his chair. "It's intense, kind of like a feeling of euphoria... I guess. Like accomplishing something no one else can do." Admitting that was... disgusting, which confused him.

Harter took a longer moment to write something in her binder. "Do you enjoy killing sentient things?" she asked, still scribbling down her thoughts.

Ren snorted. "You want me to fail this test?"

Harter paused and glanced up. "What I want is irrelevant. But why do you ask that?"

"These kinds of questions are what you ask psychopaths."

"Do you view yourself as a psychopath?"

Ren rolled his eyes. "I view myself as a person who is given orders and then completes them."

"And those orders have to do with killing people?"

"Yes."

"Do you find a sense of satisfaction in taking the lives of others?"

Ren sighed, knowing Harter was just going to keep rephrasing the question till he answered. But what the hell. He was positive he failed the evaluation already. "Sure. It can be satisfying."

"Have you ever tortured or killed animals?"

"When I was younger, I did." And I killed a loth-cat a couple weeks ago….

Harter sat back, leaving the pen on the binder. "What was your first time like?"

Ren chewed at his inner cheek, remembering the event with perfect clarity, even though he'd been six years old at the time. "I, uh, became physically ill afterwards. I couldn't keep any food down for days and I rarely left my room or talked to anyone.

"But you kept killing animals?"

..."Yes."

"Why?"

"I grew more curious about the weird mixture of feelings it gave me. I felt guilty, but also this superiority that was pleasurable. With more practice, I became more comfortable with it."

"What part about killing do you find enjoyable?"

Ren's mind drifted to the cave, to the Rodian that first found him there. The alien had been angry to find an intruder, which quickly turned to disbelief when Ren called the filth forward. It ended with terror and horror and then the process repeated with each and every person Ren slaughtered. It had been his first real taste of power and he'd wanted it permanently, so he went searching for it.

But expressing this out loud was not something he was comfortable doing. "The power I hold over someone and seeing their fear... it's a rush, I guess."

The kid in Jorfel's home came to his thoughts next. Ren had been wickedly satisfied that the boy had coughed up blood and gasped, his eyes peeled with righteous fear, the kind you only read about in gruesome stories.

Fuck, he was a demented monster, wasn't he? At least he had enough of a grip on his faculties to know that much.

"Do you have a code you live by? Like a set of rules?"

Does anything faze this woman? "Not really." But then, he remembered something. "Actually, maybe. I don't like to kill children."

Like that somehow made what he did for a living more tolerable.

"Have you killed children before?"

An ache in Ren's chest scorched and tore at his heart. It must have been phantom pain from the blow he took from the darksaber. Either that or he was getting emotional... Reflexively, he rubbed his sternum. "The youngest I've ever personally killed was nine."

"How was that experience?"

"It wasn't particularly pleasant," he answered smugly.

Harter flipped through some pages, stopping once she found what she was looking for. "Have you ever cared for someone else, other than yourself?" Her tone was even, with not a drop of condemnation. The doctor really was a true professional.

"Yes."

"Who?"

That was when Ren showed a modicum of reaction, just a flicker in his face before the uniform expression resettled on his features. "Well, like all children, you start off caring about your parents because you don't know any differently," he said, attempting to give a reasonable answer that didn't reveal too much.

"Okay… but have you ever willingly chose to care about another person?"

Ren narrowed his stare, wondering if the council told her to ask these specific questions or if it was actually part of the evaluation. "Maybe. Who's watching this right now?"

Finally, the doctor showed a fraction of surprise against her phlegmatic exterior. "Members of the council, Master Skywalker, and Rey. As far as I know. Now, this person you care –"

"I don't want to get into specifics about that."

"Why not?"

Ren shuddered as he tried not to get too short with the woman. "It's personal, but I think I know what you are fishing for. I have cared about someone else more than myself and have put their safety above my own. Is that sufficient enough for you?"

Harter acutely smiled, but didn't revisit the subject again. The evaluation dragged out, some questions making Ren laugh while others made him squirm in discomfort and confusion. Putting words to feelings was a distasteful process and it stretched his patience beyond the edges of the universe. His soul had always been too deep to explore and he more than preferred to stay in the shallows, but Harter kept pushing his head below the current, tiring him out from the constant drowning.

If there was one thing he took away from the whole experience, it was that he did not understand who he was anymore.

"Well," Harter closed her notes and stretched her arms above her head. "I don't know about you, but I'm tired. I think I have enough here to report back to the council with."

"What are you going to tell them?" Ren asked as he stifled a yawn and he wondered if his rear was ever going to regain feeling again. Thirty minutes into the excruciating interview, that part of his body became numb and he was eager to walk around.

"I'll give them my opinion and they'll make a decision based off of it."

His stomach clenched. "What is your opinion? Or am I not allowed to know?"

"I don't see why you can't." Harter placed her overworked pen inside her vest. "You have sociopathic tendencies that make you struggle with empathizing with others, and a sadistic nature that has formed into an addiction of hurting living beings and yourself. Pain is something that helps you cope, especially the physical kind."

Well, Harter's bluntness sure hadn't faded with age. "So… I failed the test."

She tilted her head. "Why would you say that?"

"If I was in your position and knew all that stuff about someone, I wouldn't let them be around other people," Ren answered honestly.

The doctor leaned in closer, her voice shifting to a tender tone. "But you are capable of compassion; you just hide it really well underneath your more troublesome attributes. You care a lot, actually. I think you struggle with these two sides of yourself and because of that, you feel weak, which drives you to seek pain or do something extreme."

None of this was news to him, but people tended to focus more on negative attributes than the positive ones. "Soooo… I passed?"

"To me, there is no pass or fail with an evaluation. The main thing the council wants to know is if you will harm anyone on base… and I don't believe you will."

Really?

"Why do you believe that?"

Ren didn't even believe that about himself.

"I think there are certain people you don't want to answer to or ruin your relationship with. You hold a specific person in high regard and you wouldn't jeopardize your first fulfilling relationship." There was a short bout of silence before Harter gathered her things and headed for the door.

"Harter?" Ren muttered. She twisted around, her forehead furrowing from his query. "Thank you… for trying to save me after Lothal and for tending to me afterward."

"You're welcome, but honestly, that girl of yours did a lot of the work."

"She isn't my girl." The doctor smiled in that all-knowing way she did and he glanced away. For a brief moment, he was that child again, the one that spent hours at her clinic and bothered her with one ridiculous question after the other.

Those memories nearly broke him as he sat in the small, uncomfortable chair, feeling her eyes bleed into him.

"There is one last thing I'd like to know. Out of my own curiosity," Harter said. Ren's eyes lifted, peering beneath low brows and disheveled hair. "The rust stain on the ceiling directly above you. What does it remind you of?"

"Meiosis."

Harter cracked a laugh and he could have been wrong, but her eyes seemed to gloss over, shining brightly against the overhead lights.

"If you ever want any medical books to read, I have plenty I can let you borrow," Harter offered. "A mind like yours should be cultivated, not wasted."

Ren nodded and then she was gone.

()()()()()

Ren was as cold as the blood that ran through his bones, even though he was in a warm bed, trying to find some sense of slumber. Tossing and turning, he couldn't get comfortable. His mind was replaying the whole day over and over again, the highs and lows of the events causing his muscles to seize and his core to run frigid. He was afraid… afraid that if he slept, he would wake up to find that he was being escorted to his execution.

Is any of this even real?

It didn't seem like it was, but as his eyes roamed the dark room and his nose smelled the cold metallic air, it sure did feel real.

To top off his concern, he had to wait till tomorrow to hear the council's decision on his placement. Maybe they'll deliver the news with a knife to my back, he thought inwardly. Even after he signed that agreement, he still didn't trust those people.

I proudly bring you anxiety, sponsored by none other than Ren himself, he thought sarcastically.

Sighing, he positioned his tall body on the narrow bed, bending his knees so his feet didn't hang off the end. He prayed he would be able to fall asleep before he fell apart. At least the mattress was plush and not hard. He hated–

Poe groaned loudly from the other bed as he stood abruptly in the dark, BB-8 turning on from his master's sudden movement. "I can't sleep with all the noise you're making over there," he whispered sharply, leaving the room with the droid in tow.

Ren didn't realize his restlessness would aggravate the guy, but every person had different criteria as to what annoyed them.

And actually, this worked in Ren's favor. He detested that Poe was assigned to essentially babysit him throughout the night. It would appear multiple members of the council feared he would come find them and slit their throats as they slept. Really, Ren had better things to do with his time.

What time? Other than blabbing First Order secrets, you literally have nothing else to do.

This place was going to kill him with boredom.

How dull.

And the damn chip in his arm hindered the places he could go, causing him to be in an invisible cage of his own insanity. Of course, Ren was already concocting a plan to remove it without anyone knowing. Hopefully Harter was serious about those medical books because the device had been placed under an artery and he didn't want to dig it out blindly. It was going to be a painful and slow process, but it would –

The door opened, light pouring in from the outside hallway and revealing the outline of his visitor.

"Rey?" Ren sat up as she walked inside.

Rey's loose pants and white shirt enveloped her body, but Ren found the look more than agreeable. Adding to her appearance was her wavy hair, which was completely down and draping her shoulders, begging to be touched. "Poe said he couldn't sleep in here with you sighing every five seconds and rustling the sheets every time you moved. So… he proposed we switch rooms."

Bless that pilot and his intuition.

Rey was the nightcap Ren desperately needed.

Ren grinned without reserve, but then Rey sat on the opposite bed and his smile faltered. There was no way he was not going to sleep next to her and he wondered if she would deny his closeness. Studying her face, her expression was solemn and contemplative and Ren knew exactly what that meant.

She was going to have a serious conversation with him.

Ren swung his legs over the side of the bed, his feet resting on the floor and his eyes watching her every move.

"I, uh…" Rey fiddled with her fingers in her lap. It was a nervous habit, and Ren didn't like her being uneasy around him.

"If there's something you need to say, say it. I won't get mad." He braced his hands against the edge of the metal frame, like he was going to bolt upright at any moment.

Rey squared her shoulders, confidence seeping into her demeanor that wasn't there a second ago. "I have something to say about how you interacted with your mother in the medical room."

Silence… and then more silence.

They stared at one another, Ren clenching his jaw as his blood pressure spiked. He didn't want to offend Rey, nor make her mad… but he did not want to talk about his mother.

Ever.

"You don't want to talk about it," she stated.

"No."

Rey nodded, but refused to back down. "Fine, you don't have to, but you're going to sit there and listen to what I have to tell you." She swallowed and then continued. "I know I don't have parents and at the end of the day, I don't know everything about your childhood. Part of me thinks it isn't my place to tell you anything, but if we're going to be spending a lot of time together, then I want you to know what I'm thinking."

She opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. "What I saw transpire in that room was horrifying to watch. I have always known you had that kind of rage in you; I saw it while we were on Ahch-To, but to actually see it again…. Well, it shook me. Especially since your mother was in the room with you."

"That woman has been everything but a mother to me," Ren said with as much calm as he could muster.

"I know… but," Rey took in a breath, looking down at her knees, "you killed the man she loved and didn't even try to make amends for it. You owe her, maybe not for being your mother in terms of biology, but for murdering a person she cared about."

She locked onto Ren's tight face. "Look, I'm not telling you to try and mend your relationship with her, but you need to talk to her and apologize."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he sighed. "Apologies… do not change what I've done."

"No, but it's worse if you do nothing. And I think you know that."

As much as he didn't want to think about it, Ren knew she was right. He'd always known that he needed to own up to what he'd done, and he would have to do it in front of Leia.

"Will there be any consequences if I don't do this?"

"I was fully prepared to tell you that I wouldn't talk to you till you've talked to her, but I don't want to treat you like a child. Also, I would be inadvertently punishing myself." Rey's smile didn't reach her ears, the sadness inside preventing her from lightening the mood.

He knew what she was thinking about – or better yet, who. "You considered Han a father figure, didn't you?" Ren whispered.

…"You know I did."

Her interrogation came to the forefront of his thoughts. "There's a part of you that still hates me for what I've done."

Rey glanced away as she answered, "Yes."

Ren nodded slowly. "I don't blame you for feeling that way, but I wish you wouldn't." She looked at him, perplexed. "And not because I don't want you to hate me, but because an emotion like that is a disease that can ruin you. It ruined me. Besides, I hate myself enough for the both of us."

She snapped back to attention. "You aren't ruined."

"I am, but thanks for believing I'm not… And Rey?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry for taking him away from you. You were the child he always would have wanted," he whispered reverently. Rey couldn't meet his eyes as she fought off the sudden clasp of emotions. "Is there anything else you need to say?"

Rey sniffled and swiped at her eyes before looking at him. If it weren't for the slight redness of her corneas, he wouldn't have guessed she had started to cry. "Yes, actually, there is something else. You say that you care about me, but why are you so quick to leave me?"

The question took Ren aback. "I'm not. I don't want –"

"But you were quick to decide to leave me on Takodana. And then when it was apparent you were going to be executed, you didn't even put up a fight. You just went with it. I watched you die on Lothal; I felt it. That emptiness inside was vast and painful and you were willing to put me through that again? How can you just… do that to me?"

Ren scrubbed his face so hard his nose started to tingle. "I never purposefully sought to hurt you. You have to believe me."

"I know you weren't purposefully doing it, but I need you to think about me if you ever get caught in a dangerous situation again. Your life is not the only one on the line."

A prickle of tension ripped at the nape of his neck, humbling him. "You're right. I didn't take you into account and it was selfish of me not to. I – It doesn't mean much, but I am sorry." He glanced down. "I'm sorry for a lot of things, it would seem."

She shook her head, tossing her hair across her face. "It does matter. Apologizing. I know you don't think it, but it does."

Ren slumped, admitting to her how he felt. "More should be done, though."

Rey blanched, seeming more disturbed than shocked. "Is that how you feel? That more should be done to you in terms of punishment?"

"Don't you?" His face contorted as he grew more passionate. "I've been pardoned for everything I've done. I believe that people should be punished for their wrongdoings and now I see that I've been doing terrible things for a very long time. But I somehow get a pass?"

"Do you even want to be here?" Rey countered.

Ren had been given a second chance, one that he shouldn't squander away like the first time. However, the hollowness deep in his gut made it so he could hardly rejoice. If Snoke didn't kill him, his prevailing guilt would. "Rey… I don't know how to live with myself. I'm weak, I've never been anything else."

"Maybe living with what you've done is punishment enough. And if you can't find a reason to keep going, then keep going… for me." Imploring him till he became lost in her hazel eyes, she added a soft spoken, "Please."

"Honestly, you are the only thing that kept me going today. I know I shouldn't use you for such purposes –"

"I don't mind," she interjected.

Ren chuckled lightly. "I know you don't, but we're treading in dangerous territory. Or at least I am with how much I want you." His eyes widened at what came out of his mouth. "Uhhh, I mean care for you. How much I care for you."

Smooth.

Rey stilled, watching him fumble over his words. "You… want me... like that?"

He gulped. "Of course I do."

There was a slight pause as Rey's eyes darted around. Then she said, "I… wasn't sure, because of what happened in the refresher earlier. I said… what I said and you just looked at me. I was so embarrassed and I thought that you might not –"

"That's why you snapped and left quickly? Rey, I'm very much a man and I very much want to be with you. Trust me."

"You do?"

"Yes!" Ren basically shouted, causing her to jolt from his sudden outburst. "My apologies. I didn't mean to be so loud, but Rey, you are a very attractive young woman."

Rey spoke through what was clearly a tight throat. "I am?"

"I've told you before that I think you're beautiful. Do you not believe me?"

She shrugged. "No one has ever told me that before."

He stared across the room at her. "And you're still finding it hard to believe me, aren't you?"

Rey didn't answer, which more than told him how she perceived herself. "I'll keep telling you how beautiful you are till you cement it as fact. How about that?" And he was going to deliver on that promise.

"If you want to, then I guess I can't stop you," she muttered bashfully.

"You can stop me from doing many things, but this won't be one of them. Now, are you going to stay on that bed all night?" His voice dropped low. "Cause if you are, I'm going to come over."

Her smile was timid and innocent and Ren loved the blush that was on her cheeks. As she came over, he reclined back and opened the covers to allow her to slide inside. He had to push his back against the hard wall to make room, but Rey's softness as he curled his arms around her was more than enough to make him forget the rigidity from behind.

Nuzzling her face against his chest and with the lights off, she rested her head on his bicep and breathed deeply in content.

They talked long into the night, both relaying their experiences over the last two weeks. When it came to the more difficult events, like Jorfel's death, Ren kept it short and Rey knew not to pry for more details. The only thing he withheld was the vision of the possible future he could've had if he didn't join the First Order. Talking of such things would drag him to the brink of despair, and he didn't feel like jumping from that emotional cliff at the moment.

The mood lightened when Rey took over the conversation. Hearing her describe the friends she had made and the life she established on the base actually made him happy for her. After a long life of seclusion, it sounded like she found a place that gave her the fulfillment she always yearned for. Although, if you looked beyond her bouncy tone, he had the sense that all the happy chatter was… hiding something.

For no particular reason he had an image of the blue woven throw blanket that hung on the back of his mother's blue sofa in his old blue living room. Leia had gone through a phase of coloring everything in the house different shades of blue until Han finally put his foot down that the place was starting to give him migraines.

But that damn blanket… Ren couldn't get it out of his mind. That simple spread was never to be used for warmth, and the Force help you if you ever tried to lounge with it. That blanket's sole purpose for existing was to hide the red stain Han had made when he accidentally spilled pasta all over the place. Threepio had scrubbed for days, but it never came out. He never understood why his mother didn't just buy a new couch since they certainly had the money to do so.

Just like that simple blanket, Rey's voice was hiding some kind of stain on her emotions, and he had a very good guess as to what it was.

He looked down at her to grab her attention. "You spent a lot of time with the trooper during those two weeks?"

There was a stretch of silence.

"Yeah, I spent the most time with him. We had a lot of fun." She stated factually, her voice now even and quiet.

"What did you two talk about after that meeting today?"

Rey's stare was still down as she remained silent. Then, ever so acutely, her bottom lip quivered. Given how dimly lit the room was, he could have been mistaken, but he felt her piercing sadness and it was deeper and more overwhelming than he initially perceived.

"Hey," he whispered, putting his finger beneath her chin and leaning her head back. She was crying and attempting to hide it, but he didn't let her look away. "You don't have to hide from me."

"I don't like to cry."

"Does it have something to do with the trooper?"

She nodded, her tears feeling warm as they fell on his arm. "I feel like I have to choose between you two because neither of you get along with each other…."

"You don't have to choose. If you want to be friends with him, I won't stop you." Interesting that he actually meant that.

"It's more that he doesn't want to be friends with me. I –" She let out a short sob. "I don't like when people leave me."

His chest ached at the tone of her voice and the fact that there was nothing he could do to relieve her suffering, except hold her. More should be done, though. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'll never leave you," he said as he wiped her tears away. "I won't do that to you again."

"That does help. Thanks." She cuddled into him and he embraced her tighter. Her breathing evened out before she asked, "So... you're a prince?"

He laughed into her hair. "Not really. I only get the title if the planet becomes New Alderaan."

"Dr. Kalonia made it seem like there was a good possibility of that happening."

"We'll see." They both settled in for the night, his chin resting atop her head.

His thoughts kept searching for some type of solution to her ongoing problem with her less than deserving friend. Maybe he should talk to the bastard, try and create some type of middle ground for them. As much as he wanted to kill the guy out of disdain, he would refrain from doing so.

Break his legs, sure, but not kill him.

Ren's thoughts abruptly turned to another person he needed to eventually speak with. "Rey," he said softly.

"Hmmmm…" she replied sleepily.

"I'll… I will talk with the general. I know that I should."

Rey wiggled her way up to his eye level, staring at him through heavy lids. "Good." Moving in, she kissed him. The touch was chaste and simple, one that would be given between two people that were completely comfortable in each other's company. Nestling back against him, he became sharply aware of her body… pressed against his. He adjusted his legs, attempting to hide his arousal from her. From her light snoring, he concluded she was none the wiser.

How much longer could he go without making an advance on her? Time would tell, but if she kept coming to sleep with him during the night, he probably wasn't going to last very long. He had told himself he wouldn't do anything unless he had her full affection, but that rule was gradually chipping away the more he was around her. Besides, a girl like her could never love a sadistic man like him, so waiting for that to happen would mean he would never get to fully be with her.

The idea that a person could have everything they wanted in life was such a fallacy.

A/N

So nothing too actiony happened in this chapter. Things are slowing down as the characters get comfortable at the base, but they won't always stay that way!

Do you think Ren will get in the middle of Rey and Finn's ongoing problem? How do you think it will go when he speaks with his mother? Leave a review and tell me what you think! Thanks for reading!