Thanks to all that read this story and take the time to leave a comment! Especially on the last chapter since nothing of great importance happened. The ones who regularly review– you know who you are!– help me out so much, you have no idea. You make me really think about the story and allow me to view the characters from a different angle. Thank you!
NightElfCrawler: Yeah, we all know the excerpt is from Ren's pov, but it was vague as to who was holding him. But you find out in this chapter! Yea! I love writing Poe and Ben together. They do have this frenemies thing going on. For me, I view Poe as his own person but he has some Han characteristics. This makes Ben inadvertently comfortable and drawn to him, in a way. And Ben doesn't even realize it. For Poe, deep down, he does want to see Ben succeed in being a good person, because as he said in one of the previous chapters, if Ren can change, then there is hope that the galaxy can change. Jnads1: That was exactly my view on the swearing. As the story goes and he deals with his anger, the swear words start to come out. I try not to use it as a crutch, though, so I keep the curse words to a minimum. At least, I think I do. Ya'll might be surprised, but I put A LOT of thought into the placement of harsh language. Star Wars movies have basically no swearing, and the books are pretty much the same. But I did want to bring some modern language into it, but not make it too heavy because I want this to feel like a Star Wars story. Not everyone is gonna like the same stuff in the book, and that's okay. I know some of you probably get frustrated over certain story lines or how people react to certain things. Anyway, I don't want to ramble. lol And Rey is not immune to jealousy! I wanted that to be made clear. And I had to bring in the radar technician line. I wasn't planning on it, but I'm glad it works in this case. Natalie-S-246: Oh, Ben really should tell Rey about her parents. Will he? In the words of Snoke (and sort of Kylo from the interrogation scene in TFA): We shall see... So one thing I really don't want to happen is Finn and Rey's friendship to basically become non-existent. Those two went through a lot together and Finn was the first person to ever come back for her. While Rey is sort of in a relationship with Ben, Finn will always hold a place of her heart that could never be replaced with Ben. I want Finn and Rey to have a strong friendship throughout this story and fingers crossed I can pull it off. It's hard to juggle Finn/Rey scenes and Ben/Rey scenes. This is a Reylo story, after all! Poe is kinda going through this inner reflection phase where being "friends" with Ren, his reputation, and what's happening with Jess is really making him question who he really is. It's not on the same level as what Ben's going through and the context is different, but I like when characters really reflect throughout a story. Ben will always be a little shit. Always. Sorry to some of you if you thought he would turn into this really nice guy, but it's not gonna happen. I mean, he will learn how to be more polite and won't be as angry, but he will always have that side of himself that is a sarcastic ass that looks down on people and can sometimes be super rude and not remorseful. I'm glad you like multiple pov's! I want readers to get a sense of the characters through other characters eyes, not just through Rey and Ren. And Carrie Fisher... still hard to even accept that she is actually gone. I was in the middle of writing this chapter when I heard the news and given what scene I was writing, I took the day off cause it was so sad. We will all truly miss her and I pray her family can get through this really tough time. CalistaLegaci: Shout out to Matt the Radar Technician! I can literally watch that SNL skit a million times and it never gets old. I also love watching the blooper video too. Adam Driver is hilarious.
Okay, so I was being really picky while writing this chapter and I still feel like it's not perfect, but I can't work on it forever. The characters that are focused on are Leia, Ben, and Rey. I don't title my chapters, but if I had to give this one a title, it would be Worth and Words. You will understand as you read cause it's an ongoing theme. Didn't even realize it till I was done with the chapter! Can't say much else without giving stuff away, so enjoy the read!
Chapter Thirty: Worth and Words
On the cold, rigid floor of her study, Leia rested, unmoving, her arthritic back aching slightly from the unusual pose. In her newly furnished office on the base, she had everything set up much like how it was on the cruiser: two identical blue sofas, a large rug rolled out between them, and an expansive desk at the head of the study.
As her rear demanded the soft confines of the couch, Leia resisted. Hours upon hours she'd spent at her desk, going over reconnaissance reports and chatting with the remaining planets that supported the Resistance. Each day, she would find another planet ignoring her inquiries or denying her comms. After the destruction of Starkiller, it had been an over joyous sight to witness numerous star systems lending their support.
It had been naïve of Leia to think it would last.
The First Order wasn't just threatening Coruscant, but that wasn't the only reason planets were evading her. When news of her son being Kylo Ren finally spread to the far corners of the galaxy, the fallout came in the form of losing some precious allies. Apparently, they were fed up with her family ruining the stability of the Republic, and after some much internal reflection, Leia accepted they were kind of right.
Anakin's bloodline would always be sought after by demons in the shadows, waiting to exploit the power that ran through her family's veins. Anakin and her son were walking proof of that.
Clasping her hands across her stomach, Leia thought of the real underlying reason Snoke wanted Ben. The anger that blossomed from her gut was unalloyed, because it was rooted in the part of her that still felt like a mother… that still felt the need to protect her cub from harm. She created Ben; she felt him kick in the womb; she was the one who nursed him as a babe and clothed him in warmth. And Snoke wanted to steal away the flesh she had formed from within her?
No.
That conniving monster had no right to take her son. That foul creature already broke the boy he was once was, and Leia would sacrifice herself before Snoke took him completely.
Stars, her bloodline was forever cursed, wasn't it. Her grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren and beyond were all going to be persecuted for where they came from. Monsters were going to try to seduce them to the Dark side.
That was, of course, all hindering on the possibility of Ben having children. It was callous of her to think, but she just couldn't envision Ben as a father. Rey was definitely mother material: lovely, strong, and stood up to her son.
How serious is that relationship? Are they even in a relationship?
Rey did stand intimately close to him in that comms facility a few days ago. She'd also obviously worried about him while he'd been talking to Senator Tisnew. Leia had worried as well, because for some reason, the Dark side thickened and wailed the moment Ben walked into that room. She had a feeling the only reason Ben had actually stayed in control was because Rey was there. Otherwise, Leia wasn't sure what would have happened. Or why.
As usual, her thoughts always circled back to her son.
Glancing at the door, Leia could sense a presence approaching and knew who it was before he even knocked.
"Come in," she called out.
Dressed in his light Jedi robes, Luke strode in and glanced around before finding Leia on the ground to the left of the entryway.
"What are you doing down there?" he asked, confused.
"I was in the need of a different… perspective. Sitting at my desk all day was getting on my nerves." Luke helped her up and gave Leia a moment to straighten her jumpsuit and vest.
"More planets refusing to speak with you?"
Leia plopped onto the sofa, letting out an exhausted breath. "Yep, but that's not the only problem. Incom-FreiTek won't return any of Statura's messages. Without them, I'm unsure of where to get X-wing's. There's a small company in the Outer Rim that might help, but they can't build the amount of ships we need in the time frame I requested."
"I'm sorry, Leia." And truly, he meant it.
Leia leaned back, rubbing her chronic sore neck. "Is the galaxy really content with surrendering to the First Order? Have they already forgotten what it was like to be under the Empire's rule?"
Luke scratched his beard, appearing like the wise Jedi Master others thought him to be. To Leia, he was just her twin brother and closest confidant. "Sometimes, people prefer what's familiar when they're scared. Not everyone is as fearless as you."
"In an ideal galaxy, they would be, but that's not the galaxy we live in." Leia sounded so jaded that she disgusted even herself. This war, along with the previous one, was truly wearing her down. She sighed and asked, "So, what brings you by?"
"Sorry it's late. I lost time while meditating, but I wanted to see you." The smile he displayed didn't lighten his eyes. "How was the move this morning?"
The renovations to make her living area habitable had finally been completed and she'd been so eager to get down there, that Leia even helped move some of her belongings to make the process go by quicker. And more efficiently.
"It went smoothly. Nothing broken or lost." Unlike last time. "I'm just glad to be somewhere I can walk outside and feel the fresh air on my face. You don't realize how much you miss it till you've been stuck on a ship for a while." Luke nodded, but his expression remained slightly uneasy. "Are you doing okay? You seem troubled."
He took a moment before answering. "The Force… it's been so turbulent. Everything seems more clouded than before…" As Luke's eyes became distant, Leia wasn't sure what to say. The Force had always been Luke's territory, while government was hers. Just as she was about to open her mouth, Luke asked, "Have you seen Ben and Rey lately?"
Leia was flustered by the sudden change in topic, but regained her poise quickly. "Other than with Senator Tisnew, no. You're the one who sees them everyday. Why are you wondering if I have?"
"I think something is going on between them."
The last person who needed to notice that was her brother. If he was going to start talking about the Jedi code during this conversation, Leia was fully prepared to show him the door.
Her sharp eyes traced the aging lines of his face, noticing the worry. "Going on how?"
"Like... something intimate."
The nervousness that stirred beneath Leia's composed surface made her stomach twist. "What makes you think that?"
"Just the way they are around each other, the looks he gives her." Luke pushed back his sloppily thin hair. "The frustrating part is that Rey's the only person he actually responds to. There's Poe, but he can't talk Ben into doing anything. Rey can."
Leia studied Luke for a few seconds, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, but if Rey can get through to Ben, then I don't really see why you're frustrated. No one has been able to do that since… well, ever. For the first time in his life, Ben is being considerate of another person." Leia shrugged. "I see that as a very good thing."
"Really?" Luke deadpanned. "So you're willing to put Rey's well being on the line so your son can experience what it's like to care about someone else?"
All Leia could do for a brief moment was sit there and look at her brother. Obviously, he'd become way more attached to Rey than she initially thought. His tone mimicked that of an overprotective parent, but Rey was not his child. "Her well being? Luke, you said yourself you've seen how Ben looks at her. He loves her." Leia dropped that speculation out in the open. "He wouldn't hurt her."
"You don't know that. Our father loved Padme and look what happened."
Leia tucked a stray lock of hair back into her circular braid. "Vader wanted power–"
"He started down that path to save our mother," Luke interjected quickly. "Ben is well versed in the Dark side, Leia. Once you go down that road, you never truly come back."
It appeared her twin was in dire need of a history lesson. "But you told me Anakin did."
"He's the first Sith in thousands of years to come back to the Light and there is a reason for that: the Dark side is unrelenting and addicting."
"But if Vader could do it–"
"No, Leia," Luke interrupted, his eyes growing hard and serious. "You need to accept that your son will never be how he was before."
Culling all sense of propriety into space and beyond, Leia gripped the edge of the sofa and hotly said, "Are you kidding me? You throw in my face that my son can't return to the Light when you wholeheartedly believed our father could?" Her temper began heating beyond the point of restraint. "Do you even know what Vader did for the Empire? He single handedly slaughtered hundreds of people! He made me watch my own planet be destroyed, for Force sake!" Leia swallowed so she didn't spit everywhere. "You don't get to sit there and discuss with me how my son will forever be damned."
Softening his demeanor out of pity – which she did not want right now – Luke whispered, "Leia–"
"No," she snapped, pointing her finger at him. "Don't 'Leia' me. Not when you refuse to help Ben."
Luke breathed in deep. "It's not that I refuse. He doesn't want my help."
"Have you tried offering?" Luke stayed quiet. "I didn't think so," Leia murmured as she crossed her arms over her chest.
"Leia… I… it's just…"
"The great Jedi master getting tongue tied?" She pettily mocked, and she regretted instantly.
Luke let her question slide as he relaxed his shoulders. "I know it's not the Jedi way to be this angry, but I didn't grow up being one. I still struggle with my own feelings, and…." Luke sighed, looking down at the intricately woven rug that separated them. "It's hard for me to look past what happened."
With clear recollection, Leia remembered learning about the slaughter at her brother's academy. She'd been one of the first family members to arrive at the school after the news broke, and had been fully expecting to be leaving that planet with her son's corpse on board her ship. But then Lor San Tekka greeted her at the base of the ramp and told her Ben was nowhere on or near the school. He was the only student unaccounted for. Leaving the cleanup to his trusted friend, Luke told San Tekka to convey a message to her by word of mouth only. No writing it down, for fear of evidence.
Her brother had sensed the presence of the Dark side user who had left behind the carnage… and it had been her son. Leia had never vomited so many times over the span of one day.
And witnessing Han react to the news via holoscreen had been horrendous. Partially because she saw in his eyes that he blamed her. He had never wanted Ben to go to the academy or to become a Jedi.
After returning to her new founded Resistance – sans son, brother, and husband – the event had already been plastered all over The Republic news, pictures of the partially burned down school on full display for the galaxy to see. Stories from the family members of those lost flooded onto the airwaves, all of them grieving openly... and Leia watched every interview and read every story. It wasn't good for her, she knew – evidenced by the excessive weight loss over that short period – but she needed to know what her son had done to those people. She needed to feel it. Because she was the one who sent Ben there, she was the one who tossed him aside.
The atmosphere wound down into a solemn drag, both twins thinking of events long past. "Maybe you should try talking to him about it," Leia uttered the only thing she could think of, even though she knew it was a horrible idea. Last thing she needed was her brother to murder her son.
"Maybe," Luke mused. "Have you tried talking to him about… Han?" Leia stopped breathing. "Artoo told me Ben has been trying to meet with you."
The requests had slowed down since they'd first started, but Ben always sent one out every single day. It was making her anxious. Why would he want to initiate contact with her? "He has, but I've been putting it off."
"Are you afraid of what he'll say?"
Leia searched her feelings. "More like I'm afraid to see how much he hates me," she replied honestly. And yes, it was hard to look at him and not see the resemblance between father and son.
"Leia, you're an incredibly strong woman," Luke stated. "You know that, right?"
She wasn't really in the mood for compliments, and it was peculiar to have them come from her brother. "Luke..." she said in an attempt to shut him down.
"I mean it," he said passionately. "After everything that has happened to you throughout your life, you're still here fighting. Me? I left for a while. But you? You never give up. Not even on your son… and you never should."
Her frown was so deep, that her furrowed brows almost covered her eyes. "But a few minutes ago you said–"
"I said he'll never be how he was before, but that doesn't mean he's completely lost," he said tenderly. "Do you know what Ben does while Rey and I are training?"
Leia shook her head.
The smallest of smiles played across his lips. "He sits off to the side and reads the whole time."
Her heart beat against her ribs as she peeled back her eyelids. "He – he reads, rather then trains?"
Luke nodded. "Yes. Remind you of anything?"
Well of course it reminded her of something. Tears stung her eyes at remembering her son when he was still just a boy. "That's all he did while growing up. He read constantly to the point that if he needed to be disciplined, I took away his datapad and all the books in his room." The meltdowns those inhibited were always epic and always involved a broom and a washcloth.
"You were right, Leia." Gazing at her brother with fresh hope in her eyes, Luke leaned forward and fervently said, "Ben's still in there. He's just more broken now, but he's there. I've come to see that."
"Why didn't you just lead with that?"
"Because I wanted you to understand that he'll forever be different from this." A youthful smile suddenly spread from ear to ear. "And sometimes you don't let me get a word in edge wise." They both laughed, knowing that Leia could sometimes be a hard person to talk to.
Thinking over her twins more serious statement, it did make sense that Ben was going to be essentially scarred for the rest of his life. But knowing that there was an ounce of him left in that hate-filled shell? It gave Leia hope, and the smallest wisps of peace. "Rey is helping him heal, don't you see that Luke? You, me, Han – we failed him and he'll always see us that way. But Rey? She's never wronged him. You can't separate them," she said desperately.
"Leia, I don't think–"
"No." Leia sliced her hand through the stagnant air. "If you even try taking that girl away from him, you will have to answer to me, understand? He won't hurt her, Luke. I know it."
He raised his hands as if to defend himself from an attack. "I was never going to make it so they never saw each other again," Luke enunciated each word. "They are bonded, remember? It would be impossible. I was just thinking about limiting their time together."
Leia glared.
"Okay, I won't even do that," Luke added. "But if anything does happen–"
"I'll hold myself responsible." Leia quickly finished for him. It was a gamble to promise such a thing, but she was going to give her son the benefit of the doubt that he could be a decent human being to that girl.
Leia watched as her brother's face morphed into a grave expression. "Have you thought about what would happen if something happens to Rey?" Luke whispered, even though no outside ears could hear. "What if she dies? What do you think Ben will do?"
Leia was pulled into a memory:
Never imagined this," Han murmured, sitting up in their bed late at night, Ben's tiny head resting in the crook of his father's arm. "Having a kid. Even wanting a kid. But now he's here, and–"
"And you're a dad." Leia leaned closer, unable to resist the chance to tease her husband. "Just think, hotshot. Someday you might even be a granddad."
Han's chuckle warmed her. "Speak for yourself, sweetheart. Me, I ain't ever getting that old."
Leia snapped out of her reverie, focusing on Luke's awaiting face.
Her son – no longer that baby – could be as destructive as a gale storm and as vicious as an inferno. "I don't know," she finally murmured. Indeed, she truly had no idea how Ben would react if he lost Rey, and from knowing whom the young girl was harboring within, her death was probably the likely outcome. If that happened….
Leia unexpectedly wished her father were still here to lean on for support and encouragement. Bail had taught her so many valuable lessons about courage. About strength. About leadership.
Fates, her body was tired. When was the last time she truly relaxed? Leia couldn't recall. Her worry never stopped to give her such a luxury. That was what happened when someone grew up on the run, under siege, always escaping capture or death at any moment. Paranoia became the only way to see the galaxy, and she couldn't shake the feeling that the future was going to get much, much worse.
And soon.
()()()()()
It surprised Ren how fast the conversation with Poe had flipped sideways, leaving the pilot the one to huff indignantly back into the base, BB-8 in tow. Ren was pretty sure the droid had stared him down before following his master.
Sighing deeply, Ren stood quietly for a long moment among the few workers that were giving him suspicious looks. Thankfully, the days work was mostly done, the members of the Resistance already herded back into the base and making preparations for sleep.
Staying by Poe's X-wing, Ren wanted to give the guy a sufficient amount of time to get back to his barracks… mainly because he didn't want to run into him again. He had given his account of the caves – albeit, not willingly – in hopes that Poe would not bother the girl any more. She shouldn't have to relive that experience through storytelling, and honestly, neither should he. But Ren found himself wanting to spare her… so he had.
It was strange to feel protective over someone he'd barely interacted with, but the girl shouldn't be pining after someone such as Poe. Ren had enough moral aptitude to know that Poe was a good person, but his actions when it came to women weren't really anything to be envied. If anything, Ren kind of looked down on them. He never understood how people could have sexual relations just for the sake of experiencing it. Well, he 'technically' understood why: the euphoric feeling tended to be addicting. But what do you do when it's all over? Reality is inescapable. So do you just thank the other person for the service and go about your day like normal? Like nothing happened?
Ren wouldn't be able to do that.
And he didn't want that for Jess.
He was still shocked over how he'd conveyed as much to Poe. Stars, when did he start caring so damn much? It was exhausting to the point where he needed a nap, and he hadn't had one of those since he was three.
Stay out of it. Focus on your own life. It's not like you're in any position to give out advice.
Ren picked his way through the hangar, weaving among the ships and tools till he finally got to a base entrance. With how late it was, Rey was probably frantically pacing around his room, waiting and wondering when he would return. His evening walks were becoming longer and longer with each passing day, mainly because it was becoming increasingly more difficult to be in Rey's presence. The knowledge of her parents was making him become more distant, and every time he caught her stare, he could see her worry… and her longing for him. But he didn't know how to remedy –
Ren halted.
His eyes shifted to the left, looking down the intersecting hallway. There stood Leia, frozen, staring. Her usual jumpsuit was without the vest, giving off a more leisurely appearance, like she was getting ready to relax. Which, he deduced, she probably was.
Glancing around, he realized that this was the part of the base where the generals and admirals presided. Guess it was up and running, meaning his mother was now going to be on the base.
Where he was.
Ren would've preferred for her to stay in space.
Resuming his journey, he took two steps forward and then paused mid-stride. He looked down at his boots, feeling Leia still in the same position: watching him, unmoving. She wasn't scampering away, wasn't breaking eye contact, and wasn't ignoring him.
Inch by inch, his head turned, his eyesight following the course correction. Leia nodded to her left, sending an unspoken invitation for him to join her. How many times had he attempted a meeting with her? How many times was he denied? But here she was… wanting to speak with him.
He was going to need a full spread of body armor to get through this confrontation. Or better yet, leave the galaxy.
Ren's legs brought him down the hall, following her into the newly furnished study. It was a perfect copy of the one on the cruiser, except for the different walls and wider space. Leia perched onto a sofa, looking at Ren expectantly, waiting for him to fully immerse himself into the new environment. He drifted over to the plush couch across from her, his movements like those of a hesitant animal.
Sitting, his eyes locked onto hers, his posture stiff underneath his grey jacket as he buried his fists into his pockets.
"You look tired," Leia said, starting off the exchange. "Have you not been sleeping well?"
Ren narrowed his eyes, wondering if this was her way of subtly telling him that she knew Rey stayed over every night. It would be so like her to be nuanced, leaving him to guess her intentions.
"I've been sleeping well."
"Your room is to your liking? You understand why we couldn't put you with the general population."
"The room offers a good amount of privacy."
A hint of a smile formed on her lips. "I thought you would find that comely. I was wondering if you would demand to have a room closer to Rey, but you haven't said anything."
Does she actually not know? Well, Rey is really good at sneaking….
"It's fine." And then the room fell into silence, the kind that made him question why he put himself in a situation like this. But then it dawned on him that he'd been the one trying to get an audience with her. He needed to tell her….
Ren swallowed forcibly, trying to open his constricted throat so he could breath better. Sweat bloomed from under his arms and his body threatened to start shaking. These bodily reactions were a testament to his fear and his healthy adrenal glands. "I've –" Ren cleared his throat. "I've been trying to contact you."
Leia nodded solemnly. "I know, and I'm sorry for not being able to see you. I've been busy."
He immediately sensed the lie. "You can be honest and tell me you didn't want to speak with me."
Leia pursed her lips, taking a deep breath. "It's not that I don't want to speak with you. I just… don't know how to speak with you."
Not a complete lie, but her fear wafted into his senses, helping him to understand her reasoning. "You're afraid of me – don't try to deny it. I can feel the emotion within you."
Leia kept her unyielding stare, but ignored his statement. "What is it you've been wanting to talk to me about? I'm guessing there's a reason why you want to meet with me."
Ren paused, feeling his whole body tingle, like every inch of his skin was in need of a good scratch. Stomach mangling into knots, he stood, causing Leia to settle further against the sofa in surprise. Ren needed to move. He went behind his designated lounger and paced, eyes darting everywhere but at Leia.
Words.
Words could never hold enough weight to get a feeling across, and yet, it was the main method in which high-functioning beings interacted with one another. Ren was never skilled at such a technique and he hadn't a clue how to properly convey regret. Or to push aside his pride and admit his wrongdoings – which were plenty.
Leia didn't speak. She watched with patience, knowing that pushing would only avail disaster.
Passing close to Leia's desk, Ren's eyes involuntarily stumbled upon her scattered belongings. Among which was a small holo-image of Han, smiling in his usual carefree way. Ren couldn't get his feet to budge, nor his eyes to move. He made it all too obvious as to what he was intently staring at.
With horrid acuity, Ren felt his father's palm brush his cheek, remembered how he callously grabbed his arm away and let him fall into oblivion.
"The picture was taken around the time you were born," Leia cut through the quiet. "It's one of my favorites, because he didn't know it was being taken."
Ren nodded – not from agreement, but because… well, he didn't know why he was nodding. Maybe it just gave him something to do in a situation that seethed with tension.
Peeling his eyes from the image, he focused on his mother, her glistening gaze conveying the endless supply of grief. "You hate me," Ren stated.
"I don't hate you," she whispered, weakly. It was another lie, albeit harder to pick up on. The emotion wasn't as strong as the fear, which took him aback: Hate had a stronger vibration to sense, while fear was more like a low hum. But why didn't she detest him? He deserved her wrath – wanted it, craved it. How else could he find a fitting punishment?
"Do you hate yourself?" Leia asked.
"Yes," he replied without hesitation. "I murdered my own father." As the words left his lips, he witnessed his mother break apart, her hands cradling her aged features, her sobs muffled by the obstacles of flesh. He breathed in her heartache and ragged despair, letting it burn his heart in hopes that it would kill him.
Ren wanted to scream. He wanted to yell. He wanted to shout his litany of remorse to this woman, but all he could do was finally whisper, "I'm sorry." Ren hated those two weak words, because they were so incredibly useless. Its meaning changed nothing, didn't bring anyone solace from their wronged life.
He continued his strides, not sure if he should do anything else. Was it proper to leave Leia to her grief? Should he try comforting her somehow? He couldn't go to her. The very hands attached to his long arms were the ones that killed Han. Touching his mother would stain her.
Ren raked his fingers through his hair, losing count on how many times he did so. At this rate, he was going to go bald. He didn't care. The pull on his scalp was the only comforting feeling at the moment.
Leia stopped crying, wiping at her face. "I need to know what happened," she commanded more than asked.
Ren froze. "Didn't the trooper or Rey tell you?"
She sniffled. "They did, but I need to know what you two talked about. They said there was talking on the bridge, but most of it was muffled. Please, Ben… I need to know his final words. What did he say? What did he do?"
Still not facing her, he shook his head, unable to speak, unable to process. "You owe me this," Leia said, her tone a bit sharper. Indeed, he did owe her. But Ren couldn't find the words.
"Tell me. Please." Leia insisted.
"I don't think I can."
"Try."
In that moment, Ren imagined that he was anything else: the air, a breeze, or even a nighttime mist. A thing without thought, capable of simply being, not caring, or hurting. Then maybe… he could be free from it all. But he'd been born into this body and he had done the things he did, knowing deep in his thoughts that he would have to own up to them one day, that it didn't matter whether the context behind the actions were good or bad.
Ren pivoted, placing his shaky hands on the sofa, keeping his eyes down… and then he told her. Everything. Well, not exactly everything. True to his nature, he mainly summarized what had been spoken while not going into too great of detail. But when it came time to relay Han's death, he stumbled and shut down.
To his mother's credit, she kept herself composed. Except her voice was strung out, like she'd been yelling for hours on end. She probably had on the inside. "You… you were actually considering coming home with him?"
Ben nodded.
Leia coughed, trying to smooth her voice while scooting closer to the sofa's edge. "Then what happened? After you offered your saber?"
…
…
…
…Finally, he lifted his gaze as he evenly said, "I ignited it and put it through his chest. I thanked him, he touched my face, and then I let him fall into the oscillator." Leia sat, stunned by Ren's bluntness and lack of emotion. But sometimes, in order to stay in control, you had to deliver such news quickly and evenly before your voice gave out. Unfortunately, ears still picked up sound, allowing Ren to listen to what he just verbalized.
So. Very. Tactlessly.
If he hadn't gone through the last few weeks, if he had never met Rey, if he'd never started to accept the light that waited dormant in his soul, maybe he wouldn't have lost all the feeling in his legs. Maybe he would have had the strength to keep standing… but his knees buckled and he fell to the cool ground, disappearing behind the sofa.
He wept in great, heaving gags, his tears hot and salty as they ran over his lips, his hands shielding him from the outside world. He was keenly aware of arms bringing him down into an embrace, laying his torso across a lap that felt viciously familiar. Clutching onto the arms that surrounded him, he wailed for the evil he'd done, knowing that such concepts were no longer a perception, but lived within him.
Small hands stroked his hair, reminding him of the times his mother soothed him through those early nightmares, trying to help him fall back asleep. That little boy… he had no idea what awaited him in the future.
Riding the waves of the possessive cries, Ren prayed to anything that was listening that he would stop such an embarrassing display, but nothing answered. Grasping onto the frail arms as if it was going to increase the odds of him finding his center, he listened as Leia shushed in his ear, rocking him back and forth.
"Snoke did this to you, my son. He poisoned your thoughts, made you do horrible things. He's to blame, not you." The mention of Snoke helped him to calm down, but not in the way his mother probably expected. Yes, Snoke helped manipulate him into being… this. And his parents neglect didn't do him any favors. But Ren blamed himself most of all, and casting the full responsibility onto another just didn't sit well with him.
Leia remained quiet as Ren settled, still in the confines of her hold. Straggling tears slid across the bridge of his nose, slithering over his temple and into his hair as he sniffled and kept his eyes closed. Breathing the stagnant, thin air, he wasn't sure how long he remained in his mother's arms, and even though conceit was telling him to stop appearing weak, he didn't move.
Ren couldn't deny that he'd wanted this even before he left for the First Order.
To just be a son.
With his mother.
"Your father and I… we failed you. I should have sensed Snoke's influence on you, I should have recognized your worth."
Creaking his lids open, he stared at the matte wall ahead. "My value is non-existent," he hoarsely stated.
Leia shook him gently. "No. You are worth so much more than you think." If Ren followed that line of belief, than he sure was worth something all right.
But only a trip to the grave.
Jerking slightly to release her hold, Ren pushed his body up and away, leaning his spine against the rigid back of the sofa. He glanced down at his large hands, zeroing in on his severely scared right palm. Memories of dying gripped him, shooting him up with a form of post-anxiety that was actually welcomed.
War had a rhythm that was contradictory: there were long stretches of waiting and inactivity, interspersed with grand explosions and near death experiences. Ren lived well among the action, but never could handle the lulls of idleness – which was what this most definitely was.
"I need to go," he mumbled as he attempted to stand, but was stopped by Leia's fierce grasp on his bicep.
Tugging him down with her body weight, she desperately said, "I don't want you to go, Ben."
"That's not my –"
"Just stay with me… a little while longer. I– I want to talk with you, like we used to when you were younger. You'd come home and tell me everything that happened at school while we ate snacks at the kitchen counter, remember?"
Turning his head, he met her pleading eyes… and nodded.
"I want to talk to my son," she pleaded, voice cracking. "Please, I miss you, Ben. You're all I think about during the day and throughout the night. I dream of what kind of family we could've been if I'd never sent you away and if I'd been honest with you from the beginning." Leia palmed his cheek, and though the touch burned, his body remained fixed, rigid.
"Give me back my son, even if it's only for a few minutes. I just… I need to know you're still you – that Snoke hasn't destroyed you. Please," her breath drew out. "I will beg. I'll even negotiate with whatever you want. Just do this for me."
Watching his mother grovel was a contradiction of who he knew her to be. Begging? Pleading? The woman had always been above such lowly acts, but sitting here and studying her face, she truly looked beseeching.
But how could he be her son? That memory in which she used was from when he was eight, and if his calculations were correct, had happened a thousand years ago. Felt like he was off by a million, though.
Looking quickly around to what he could see of the office, his depth perception started to short-circuit, making everything look farther away than it really was. Even the sense of where he was in space and the arrangement of his limbs were hard to register, for his subconscious had decided on what he would do before his brain had a chance to play catch up and veto the idea.
He was going to grant her this one request, because in all honesty, he owed her more than a pathetic apology.
This was going to be… rough.
Gently seizing her hand, he lowered it from his face and placed it in her lap... and didn't let go. Her other hand immediately clasped onto his, tightly squeezing in fear that he might try to leave again. Calmly gazing at her ripened features, he realized that while he'd been so focused on growing up, he'd forgotten that she'd been growing old. He'd seen it in Han, but the fact was more prevalent with Leia.
Emotions bubbled up in his chest and distracted him from the outside world, tethering him to this moment. The desperate edge to this transformation business was not something Ren could ignore, not while he was busy trying to remember who he used to be.
Ren swallowed back his trepidation and slipped into a skin he hadn't worn in decades. "What do you want to talk about?" he asked evenly.
There was a beat of silence as Leia composed her shocked face, her mind quickly searching for a topic. "What… what have the last six years been like for you?"
"Let's not talk about that."
"But I want to know."
A lump formed in his throat that he could barely swallow past. "No, you don't. The truth will make you sick," he stated factually. Leia glanced down at their clasped hands, her eyes attempting to blink back the pity, but brutally failing.
"It would seem there isn't much to talk about, given how we have nothing in common," Ren whispered, slumping slightly over while crossing his knees and fully facing her. Part of him knew her demand to talk wouldn't work, because what would they say to each other? He wasn't in grade school anymore, wasn't –
"How are you and Rey doing?" Leia inquired.
Ren's stare narrowed. "She's fine."
"I asked about you both, not just her. I want to know… how your relationship is going."
Leia was honestly asking, which made Ren forget how to keep breathing. Such a reaction did not last long, however, as his face scrunched up from the encroaching confusion. "Uhh…" This was the last thing he thought she would want to know about.
Leia sat, waiting for a proper response. She didn't attempt to be polite by taking back the question or trying to steer the conversation elsewhere. Clearly, she knew something was going on between him and Rey, but how much should he reveal?
"We're fine," he mumbled, realizing that 'fine' might just be his new preferred response to everything.
"You love her?" Ren straightened, his back muscles not appreciating the sudden movement as they basically seized. "I've seen how you treat Rey differently than everyone else. You look at her affectionately, which I've never seen you do. And you seem very protective of her. So… you love her, don't you?"
He nodded tersely, sweat blooming on his brow, skin turning clammy.
His mother grinned, lighting up her sophisticated face. "Good. I'm happy for you two. I'm glad you found –"
"It's not like that," he said, abruptly feeling the need to shut down her presumption.
Leia paused, her brows tightening. "What do you mean?"
Ren shrugged. "She doesn't feel the same way."
"That's…" Leia tripped over her words. "Of course she does. I know I haven't been around a lot, but from what I can tell, she does love you."
"It's not possible."
"Not possible?" Leia eyed him up and down. "Do you… do you think it impossible for others to care about you?"
"I know that to be the case."
"No, Ben, it's not," she murmured passionately hoisting onto her knees. Leia popped up to eye level, gazing at him ardently while squeezing his large hand.
"How... how do you know?" Ren childishly whispered.
"Because you have one of the biggest hearts out of anyone I know," her soft tenor implored. "Do you remember when you were six and one of your classmates was being beat up by those other students? You got in between them and hit the kid who instigated it. You protected that child from harm, because you were compassionate. And then about a year later, little Cara's parents died in that horrible ship accident and you told her she could come live with us and that Han and I would be her new parents. Remember that?"
Ren breathed through the memories that no longer mattered. Good deeds had a statute of limitations, and since the only evidence that they ever happened was basically hearsay, they couldn't be used in his defense. Hell, it was hard for him to believe those stories were real, and he was the one who lived them.
Leia resumed, "You asked how I know it's possible for you to be loved… it's because you are capable of great compassion. It's because I love you, and your father loved you." Ren shook his head, trying to get out of his mother's firm grip, but the bind was unrelenting. Her voice was so heartfelt, that her tone felt like it was drifting down from the heavens and caressing his mind. Ren fought the haze that enticed him. He couldn't give in… couldn't believe…
As Ren settled into a pause that grew much, much longer, he suffered through an extra dose of tears sliding down his cheeks. His mother was using examples of when he was a child, of things that happened over two decades ago. And somehow, she'd grown unaware of a glaringly obvious fact.
"Nobody loves me," Ren's voice quivered.
Leia exhaled, palming his left cheek, making him look at her tender eyes. "Listen to me, Ben. Your father loved you and because of that, he tried to save you from the life you'd been manipulated into. His love was unconditional and so is mine, because we created you out of the love we had for one another." Her thumb caressed his pale skin. "I forgive you and he would want you to forgive yourself."
Her words threw him into a tailspin, blurring all thoughts till his head hurt and his heart pumped violently in his chest. Crushing his eyes shut as fresh tears fell, he breathed out, "I can't."
"You must –"
"You don't understand," he said as he opened his eyes and wiped his cheeks quickly. "I have killed hundreds of people without question, without compunction." Like Sheldom– may he rot in ever loving misery. "Do you honestly think I deserve love or companionship?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because you were preyed upon from a young age, not understanding what Snoke was doing to you. You are very much a victim in all this, and victims deserve a chance at having the life they've been denied."
There always came a time when you passed the classification of being a victim and became the villain, following in the footsteps of the monster who made you. That had happened to Ren long ago and his mother seemed to be incapable of seeing that.
"Don't be afraid to ever love someone or to be loved in return," Leia whispered. "Having feelings isn't a weakness and it doesn't mean you're relinquishing any sense of control. I think Snoke has somehow warped your view on what it's like to live and –"
His heart bounced between the sky and the ground as his breath became trapped in his lungs. Feeling like he'd awoken from a dream, he scrambled to his feet, cutting Leia short and jerking her forward as she tried to hold onto him. "I can't do this," he proclaimed before striding for the exit, breathing through his mouth so he didn't pass out.
Leia raced to the door, placating her body in the way of his escape. For her age, it was impressive that she had moved faster than him. Then again, desperation tended to infuse a person with a wave of adrenaline.
Palms flat against the entry panel so the door remained shut, Leia stood her ground and asked, "Can – can I see you tomorrow?"
"Do you need more information on the Order?"
"You know that's not what I'm after."
Taking in a single breath… two… then three, he said, "I can't"
Leia's hopeful features fell. "Can't, or won't?" Ben didn't answer. "Is there any chance of us being mother and son again?" The question burned through his ears and sizzled his brain. How could she want that? After all he'd done? Sure, she said she loved him, but Ren didn't believe her – still didn't, even after the whole monologue on how it was possible to do so.
"No. I won't be that with you. I… I can't put myself in that position again." Abandonment was a wound that never healed. The child within never forgot. Ren recalled the last time he'd been her son.
It had not ended well.
Defeated, Leia stepped aside, allowing Ren to pass unhindered. He stopped when the door slid open, his tall frame directly beside his mother. Inhaling, his deep voice whispered, "I want you to know…" He looked down. She glanced up. Their sullen eyes met in the middle. "Every part of me regrets what I did to dad, and I'll never forgive myself. That is my eternal punishment."
With a panic that roared in his veins, he left, the pounding of his boots not registering in his bones as he basically glided across the floor.
What had he done?
He'd gone into her office with the intention of only apologizing, and somehow got roped into talking about his feelings. Why did he do that? Did she use her grief to manipulate him? And how could he move forward and face her again, knowing that he'd allowed himself to be vulnerable?
Ren groaned as he connected back into the environment, his eyes darting around the hallway, his balance destabilizing. With both legs trembling, he willed himself to keep going while focusing on breathing deep with his stomach.
"Nobody loves me," he recalled himself pathetically saying.
So? he inwardly countered. You don't need to deal with those types of emotion. Honestly, it's a blessing Rey doesn't feel that way. This is your life and no one will ever, truly love you. Get over it and move on.
He shook his hands and cranked his neck from side to side, trying to get his flesh to cool down. The slow, sparkling anger that crawled from his gut and into his heart replaced the humiliation and helped him to focus. He didn't want to be here… on this base… with his mother.
The fury escalated quickly and Ren knew he needed to rein it in if he didn't want to lose control.
Dammit… he wanted to, though.
Nearing his room, he thought of what he could destroy and if it was possible for him to do it quietly. Then, after his pent up anger was satiated, he would leave this place and never come back.
Thank the Force he took out the chip in his arm.
But the biggest problem was going to be Rey and if she would come with him. If not… well, knowing she could never love him made the idea of leaving her barely bearable.
You're being self-centered, an inner voice whispered. You can honestly do that to Rey?
Well, if he was being honest with himself… he probably couldn't. But maybe if he started the process of packing, he might just build up the strength to actually leave.
Lying to yourself never got you anywhere.
()()()()()
Rey stepped out of the shower, her hair and body dripping with the hot water that so lavishly left her feeling clean. Breathing in the humid air, she languidly dried herself, thinking how fortunate she was to experience the luxury of bathing with water. Each time felt like the first and she wondered if she would ever get used to it.
Probably not, and that was perfectly all right with her.
Glancing down at the white floor, Rey remembered finding Ren next to a pool of his own blood. All from his own doing, of course. The man had been crazy enough and driven enough to dig out that damn chip – and didn't that just piss her off. Such personality traits made him unpredictable, which was what caused her to worry about him constantly. Just once, she would like to know what crazy stunt would be next in his long list of how-to-be-rash.
Shaking her head, Rey dismissed the memory so she wouldn't get mad about it. Again.
Slipping into one of Ben's gigantic shirts and a pair of her nighttime trousers, she positioned her frame in front of the sink and wiped the condensation from the mirror. Her eyes gave her reflection a dispassionate review, making her lean over the basin so she could get really up close and personal with the glass.
She was so… plain looking. Her face was round, her eyes were a normal size, and her lips weren't overly plump. Everything about her was so ordinary that if she passed herself in a hallway, she wouldn't do a double take. But Ben had kept his word, telling her everyday how beautiful she was. It still made her uncomfortable to be showered with such compliments.
Leaning back, Rey's hands started to glide over her body until her they settled on the tiny bumps that were her breasts. That womanly feature was so small that her palms more than covered them. It was borderline shameful, really. Next to inspect were her hips, which was a waste of time since she had none.
Rey groaned internally.
During her life on Jakku, she had been meticulous in keeping up her strength and planning for her next meal. Her looks were never a concern because she'd never cared… until now. Honestly, she couldn't figure out why Ben found her so attractive. Compared to all the other women he'd been with, she had to be the most plain looking. She figured –
Rey heard the outside door open and close, the sound of heavy boots moving about the room. She'd been getting close to going out and tracking Ben down, cause who takes a walk in the evening for three hours?
At least he made it back right before curfew, she thought as she read the time on the wall.
Using his brush, she combed through her hair and adjusted her clothes before exiting the refresher.
Ben was rifling through the closet, shoving articles of clothing into a bag that was already overflowing. "What are you doing?" Rey asked.
Ben froze and didn't move.
"Ben?" she pushed.
His torso expanded from his deep inhales. "I need to leave," he said evenly.
"Are you being moved to another room?"
He shook his head… and then Rey realized what was really happening. "You're leaving the base," she uttered.
He nodded as he resumed shoving in the last remnants of clothes and then zipped up the duffle. Walking over to the bed, he placed the luggage on the mattress and slowly turned around. Every line and feature was in place, making him seem void. But his eyes were what gave him away: they were bloodshot and glistening, evidence that he'd been crying.
"I talked to the general," he vocalized. Rey's sight bounced between him and the bag before settling on his face.
Her voice let out a measly, "You did?"
He nodded. "I apologized."
Obviously there was more to the story or he wouldn't be going through the dramatics of packing. "Was that all that happened?"
"We… talked."
"What about?"
Ben came to her, his eyes burning into her soul and warming her skin. Rey immediately had to downshift from his dark, penetrating stare to somewhere in his chin vicinity so she wouldn't feel overwhelmed. Long, calloused fingers stroked her cheek, electrifying her skin. "Leave with me," he beseechingly whispered. "We can go anywhere you want…. Anywhere. You love the ocean and I know dozens of other planets that have beaches just as mesmerizing as Spira's. We can build a life together, just you and me."
Shaking her head, she stared at him like she had no idea who he was. "And leave everyone else to fight this war?"
He's joking. This is all just a big–
"The Resistance is going to lose, Rey," he said, placing both hands on her shoulders. "They don't have the manpower or the resources to destroy the First Order. We should leave before we get taken down with them."
Her neck and spine went stiff, and the lines of her mouth tightened. "And how long do you think it will be before the Order finds us? Sooner or later, there won't be anywhere in the galaxy to hide."
"At least we'd have some time to be together."
She shook her head. "I'd rather fight for the chance of having a full life, than be complacent on waiting for it to be taken from me."
Ben removed his hefty hands, letting them drop to the side as he stepped back. "So… you'd stay here, then?"
"Yes," she firmly said. "I won't abandon my friends and frankly, I'm surprised you would."
With eyes negate of emotion, Ben said, "I don't have any friends."
Rey blinked away her surprise. She hadn't expected him to say that, not after… everything. "You have me."
To that, he said nothing. It worried her.
Rey gulped as she started to feel her body tremble like it was cold, but it wasn't from the room temperature. It was from fear. "You – you aren't still gonna leave after I told you I wouldn't come with you… are you?"
His face remained blank, giving nothing away as to the inner workings of his mind. As he just looked at her, she felt exposed, as if he were reading her mind or calculating her importance to him. She hoped it was the former. "Do you remember on Ahch-To when you told me you and I could leave this war behind and live elsewhere?"
"Ye-Yes–"
"You're a liar."
The silence that followed was deafening. The judgment was palpable.
Blood rushed to her ears from the sharp accusation… that happened to be completely true. "What?" she croaked out.
His eyes were dark. Not so much brown as black. "You lied to me."
Once her brain cells started firing off again, Rey's body locked up and her tone didn't back down. "That is very hypocritical of you to say, don't you think?"
He shrugged, not even looking remotely bothered. "I won't deny that I'm a hypocrite, but it doesn't mean what I said is untrue."
Fine. Whatever. We can be hypocrites together. "I… Ben, so much has changed since then." She took a step forward; he took a step back. "We found out about Kayani and realized why Snoke made you turn to the Dark side –"
"It doesn't change anything."
"Yes, it does. We can take down Snoke and help the Resistance end this war. You and I, we have a greater purpose than just being together."
He scoffed. "Greater purpose?"
She threw out her arms, letting the limbs get animated as she hotly spoke. "Fine. You know what? If I can't convince you that we are important to the outcome of the galaxy, I don't know what will. But can you honestly stand there and tell me you don't care about what happens to these people on base? Or what happens to Poe? Your mother? Even your uncle?"
"Why should I?"
"Because you care about them, dammit!" Rey yelled in frustration. "You stand there and pretend you don't, but I know you do!"
Rey immediately regretted yelling, because she knew Ben didn't like it. But it was a better alternative than slapping him, so….
Ben rubbed his face and lowered his head, his dark tresses falling around his hands. "It's just…" he said softly, "it's all getting too hard."
With the atmosphere calming into something sullen, Rey peered at him, not knowing what to say to that admission. If he'd continued to be unreasonable, she could have handled that easily, but this quiet resignation from a man as powerful as him was hard to bear.
Ben placed his hands on his slim hips and said, "I'm tired from the guilt that constantly weighs me down."
Swallowing back her surprise at seeing him be so open, she replied, "You're exhausted. Everybody feels that way at some point, but leaving isn't going to make you stronger. Staying here and fighting will. This is your second chance, Ben," Rey implored. "You have so much power that could be used for good and by doing so, you can make amends for the things you've done."
"That's a simple answer for a lifetime of mistakes. Doing good deeds does not erase anything, and it doesn't make you feel better. I'll never be a person worth saving; I'll never be a righteous man. The galaxy wants me gone."
Rey wrapped her arms around her middle. She hated when Ben got in these moods, because somehow, he always forgot about her. "What about me? I tried to forget you the two weeks we were apart, but I never could. And then I watched you die, and it nearly ruined me. I see you struggling to be here and all I think about is how I want to try and help you. Please Ben, tell me how I can help you."
…"You can't help me."
"I– I can," she stuttered, feeling herself getting emotional. "I will. Something happened while talking with your mother and I don't know what it was, but it shouldn't change the progress you've made. Tell me what I can do."
Silence ensued.
Rey started to throw out suggestions in an effort to engage him. "Do you need to talk? I can listen. Do you want me to comfort you? Because I can do that." She tried to wrap her arms around him, but he pushed her away, denying her of his closeness.
"I don't want comfort in the form of a hug."
"Then what–" Rey stopped talking as she realized what other forms of comfort there were. "Oh."
Becoming antsy, Ben began to pace while ravaging his hair with his hands, leaving his dark locks as ragged as a torn cloth. "All these feelings I have, the emotions I feel… it's getting to be too much. I don't understand how people can care about someone and stay sane at the same time." He stopped and met her gaze, pained. "I look at you, and I just love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you – what I have contemplated doing for you."
Doing what for me? What is he talking about?
She reached out for him. "Ben–"
He continued his pacing, looking down at the floor and shaking his head. "I can't stay here, Rey," he whispered.
Rey ground her teeth, suddenly becoming fed up with coddling him. "So. You're really going to leave me. Again. Because you're too afraid to feel… too afraid to see your own mother. Is that it?"
Ben repeated the back and forth, his footfalls beating into the floor. He didn't answer.
"Fine." Rey gestured to the door. "Go. But I want you to know that if you leave, then all you ever were was a monster. And a coward."
He spun on his heels to face her. "What? You think this is simple? You think there's an easy answer?" Ben pointed at her. "You can never understand what I've done or the remorse that follows me everywhere I go."
"I know of everything you've done, because you've done it to me." The interrogation, her one father figure being killed, the duel on Starkiller, the fight on the island that almost killed her… it all played through her mind.
The blood drained from Ben's face, conveying to her that he was thinking through it all as well. "But I've always stuck by you," Rey continued, "even when it was hard to do so."
Lips quivering, Ben went to the bed and looked down at the long, dark bag. Rey waited for him to grab the handle and dart for the door, but instead, he just sat down, not even giving the duffle a second glance. Does this mean he's going to stay? Was he–
"Why?" Ben asked, interrupting her spewing thoughts.
"Why what?"
Ben lifted his gaze. "Why do you stay?" His voice was deep and low, rattling in his throat. "You come here every night and cling to me while you sleep. You worry about me when we aren't together. You stay by my side even though people gossip about it. Why? Why do you do these things? Because Rey, I'm not worth the hassle."
As she breathed in the still air, her breaking heart hurt so badly that she could barely bear the pain – because she knew that Ben truly believed he was worthless, reviled… unloved… and he was starving himself of the goodness he didn't think he could feel. Glancing at the packed bag, she realized he was never truly going to leave, that the packing was a sort of therapy to try to make him feel in control.
In this quaint room, where things that should've been said hadn't been, where what might have been hadn't come to fruition, she accepted that her feelings belonged to him just as much as they belonged to her.
Watching him become confused, three simple words sprung out of that deep cage of her fear, running amok in her mind. As she spoke them in her thoughts, she found them to be deep and rhythmic, almost like a song – except no, there was so much more substance to the eight letters, the three syllables becoming solid in her bones, wrapping her being in a rainbow colored cocoon, each strand circling one upon another upon another until the number became infinite and the binding permanent.
This revelation warmed her stomach and calmed her heartache, giving her the courage to speak the truth.
"Isn't it obvious?" Rey asked. Ben stared at her, his brows pinching together from trying to see something that didn't exist for the eyes to perceive, but for the ears to hear and the soul to feel.
The perplexity of his expression jammed her with guilt, because day in and day out he'd expressed his love for her, reminding her of the beauty she didn't see in herself and the strength he steadily admired. But what has she ever done for him? As much as she shied away from such glittering words, the truth was, she desperately needed to hear those things... and he needed it as well. Sentient beings were meant to connect, to belong, and to be loved – which was what he'd been trying to do with her, but she'd given him little leeway into the depths of her heart.
Yes, he'd been distant as of late, but maybe it was from her unwillingness to express her feelings.
Rey took a deep breath and came a little closer, moving slowly till the gap between them dissolved. Getting on her knees, Ben watched as she extended her soft, warm hand, sliding it into his palm, resting their joined hands on his thigh. His skin was cold, and she could feel him shutter from her warmth.
Transfixing him with her hazel stare, Rey pushed aside her fear and ardently whispered, "I do these things," there was a beat of silence,"… because I love you."
A/N
Bam! Finally, Rey tells him how she feels! It feels like it took her forever, I swear. lol Anyway, that's another chapter down! The little flashback Leia has about baby Ben and Han is actually from the novel Bloodline, so I do not take credit for writing it. But it was just so simple and sweet I couldn't resist putting it in here.
The Leia/Ben and Rey/Ben scene both were kind of inspired by certain scenes in a TV show or movie. If anyone can guess what they are, you will receive a virtual high five!
So when I was thinking of the scene between Ben and Rey, certain things just popped into my head out of nowhere. Like where he calls her a liar. My first reaction to it was "whoa Ben, like, how dare you?" But then I thought about it and to me, he had a point. And he isn't always going to be be perfect or say the right things around her. I am nervous how you all took it, but I decided to stay true to the scene that came into my head.