Thank you all for the faves, follows and reviews! You all give me strength to keep going and writing this behemoth of a story! Really, ya'll are incredible! Now, I do apologize for the long wait. I was sick for three weeks and then my family also became sick, and have I mentioned how much I hate winter? A lot. I hate winter time a lot. But I'm feeling better now, so yeah!
NightElfCrawler: The Force can do amazing things, but it won't always give everyone a miracle. Guess we will have to wait to see if anything changes in Rey's uterus! You get to see exactly what happened between those two this chapter. And I agree, it's always the quiet ones! vana9: There were a lot of Reylo moments last chapter, and I'm happy you enjoyed all of them. That ending is a very rewarding one, but will it happen? lol. Rey being gone is very concerning, but I can say she won't be turning into Ren. She's fundamentally a good person, so her experience with the dark side won't be a very long one. I have Poe and Jess scenes planned, so you will get to see more of the two of them together. Might be in a couple of chapters, but it'll get there. Thanks for reading! Guest: Wow. I, uh, don't even know how to take those compliments. I'm usually a person who shy's away from such things, but I am trying to be better about that. But thank you. Seriously, thanks for loving the story and writing as much as you do! I was really worried about putting humor into the story, because mine can be rather dry. But it actually made you laugh! Yeah! As the story progresses, we really get to see Ben's sarcasm shine through. No paternity test needed for that guy! And you don't sound creepy or obsessive at all. I love when people gush over the same things I like, and that's what you're doing! I love Reylo and dammit, I am going down with this ship! lol. My beginning chapters aren't as well written as the most current ones, but thanks for still liking them. Don't compare you writing to mine! Seriously, I get caught in that trap so many times and start feeling down about myself, but you gotta stay true to you. Writers all have a different style and I am starting to accept mine. We can't all be Shakespeare! I love reading complex characters and relationships, so that's why I put that same element in this story. You're right– who wants to read about a relationship that would be easy? (ex: Finn and Rey) I wouldn't. There are no stakes when it's easy. I would have never, ever guessed that the one scene that hooked someone to my story would be the part about meiosis. But the reasons you gave were exactly why I put something like that in there. Not all thoughts are important to the plot, but some really show you someones character. And that was what I was trying to do with that scene. While I could probably write an infinite amount of chapters, the story does have an end! But I've been thinking about a sequel. So there are chances I'll keep writing after this is all said and done. I do dearly appreciate your review! Thanks so much! KatMichBow: I definitely crammed a lot of highs and lows in the chapter. It's like a roller coaster of emotion. But that's how I like to do it! lol. Rey is definitely going to be unhinged for a while. And more Poe and Jess to come! EV: I don't think my imagination is big enough to work with those people! That would be waaaaay too intimidating. But thanks for thinking I could. Having characters react and come to life naturally was something I wanted to stay true to. I really wanted Ben to be strong and emotional character, but not have him come across as a cry baby or pathetic. I hope I can keep that up because as the story goes on, he has more interactions with Leia that can get pretty emotional and also frustrating. I think I have less than twenty chapter left,but I promise to make the ride as enjoyable as possible. Fingers crossed I get this done before the next movie comes out! Natalie-S-246: I like how you described the progression of emotion in the chapter: happy, sad, then angry. Yup, that's exactly what it was like. Rey doesn't go too far off the deep end. Well, I guess it depends on what you classify as "deep end." Of course I have to throw in a Reylo baby tease! hehe. ILoveKyloRen: The story truly has taken a shocking turn. Started off all about love, and then ended with violence. Thanks for liking the sex scene! I wanted it to be about love making and not just about sex. It really is a difficult subject to write. Sorry it took so long to update! I'll try to be faster! And as always, I love killing you all with the feels! muahahaha. SheLitAFire: Very smart of you to make the chapter last throughout the week. My chapters are long, so I can see how you did that. Thanks about the the sex scene! And I liked writing them talking while sparring. I wanted you as a reader to get more of a feel of what they are like together. His vision from the cave isn't entirely going to happen. Things are different in this timeline than the one he saw. I think you aren't the only reader to forget about Kayani, but she will make an appearance soon. Poe is such a typical guy, and you'll see that more when he is around Jess. Regarding Rey's parentage for real, I have no idea. I've heard so many different theories and while I am adhering to my own theory, the movies very well might make her a nobody. I can see Kenobi or Palpatine working... Gah! I just want to know all the secrets already! The title for episode 8 seems to be pointing to Luke, but at the same time, sounds ominous. And what's up with the red lettering! I need to see this movie now! I know in my PM I said I'd post a playlist, but I think I am going to wait till the story is finished. I find so many new songs that I want to give you guys a complete list. But I can say that I listen to the TFA soundtrack. A lot. Keytchtee: I really didn't want to gloss over all the evil Ben has done, and it annoys me when I find a fic that does that. I'm so glad you enjoyed the sex scene because it took me DAYS to write it. I didn't want to write anything too gratuitous, but at the same time, needed to be somewhat detailed. It took a while to find the right words and flow for the scene. Time wise, it has been been a little over six weeks since TFA and while I see how that can be quick, I stand by my decision to make it compact. The problem is that with Kylo's character, I felt like I needed to show a consecutive timeline of his change, instead of skipping a lot of time every so often. I do have some places where I can stretch out the time a little more, and I probably will do that when I go back and edit the whole story, but I am not a fan of significant time jumps. Not till the end, anyway. Ben's sort of return to the light over the short span of time is believable to me and here's why: He was so conflicted in TFA, and Abrams said in the movie's commentary that Kylo was seriously tempted to leave with his father. Also, he's only been on the dark side for six years while living relatively in the light for the first twenty-three of his life. The guy had okay morals before his fall, so I felt like he could go back to that again over a few months, instead of years. For me, watching TFA, Kylo looked exhausted and conflicted over what he was doing. I think it's plausible that his character could wake up one day and say "Fuck it. I'm done." Now about references and the M&S lyric, I agree with you. I was going back and forth on whether to put it in there or not, and I should have listened to my instinct not to. I apologize that it ruined the scene for you. I will use better judgment in the future. I have never written anything on this caliber, and I am bound to make mistakes. Please everyone, have patience with me! If your opinion on liking the story changes, that is your right as a reader. Some of you might not like where I take the story, but I can't please everyone. Nor am I writing to. At the end of the day, I write for myself, but it's nice to post the story and share my imagination with people. Thanks for the review and constructive criticism! It helps me sharpen my novice writing skills and get better!
Now, I'm not sure how you all are going to take a more dark version of Rey, but the girl has to dabble a bit. You will notice that she isn't in this chapter as much, and that is because the chapter became so long, I had to split it in two. So she is in the next chapter more. Oh, and the split caused the ending to be more abrupt than I like, but I can't really help it. I had to split it down the middle. This chapter also incorporates a lot of flashbacks. Sorry if it interrupts the flow of the story. I just had no room last chapter to put these in there. Anyway, lets get to the chapter!
Chapter Thirty-two
Stiffly, Rey walked the long corridors, trying not to pay heed to the few people passing by. She failed. None of these soldiers knew what kind of organization they truly worked for: a government that murdered their own citizens out of fear. All these men and women disgusted her, all of them naive to the fact that the New Republic was just as vile as the First Order – the Republic was just more secretive about it.
Almost to her destination, Rey pondered over the depth she was willing to sink to get her revenge. Such a place, she quipped, probably didn't have a bottom. Therefore, she could go as far as she wished.
Focus was what drove her to the durasteel door, the Force is what opened the way.
She hadn't been sure Major Ematt would be here during the middle of the day, but as her eyes spotted his feathery hair and large face, she drank in the malicious poison, letting it go straight to her heart. Initiating the entryway closed, she kept it locked with her mind, preventing others from entering.
No one turned to examine her presence, which irked her. Even as the apprentice of Luke Skywalker, others still had the propensity to treat her like she was a nobody.
Rey hadn't been prepared to see so many assistants and soldiers in the room, but she remedied the problem rather quickly. Bodies dropped at her command, the ease in which she took them all out at once surprising even her. One remained standing, though, and as he went for a comlink on the table, Rey Force pushed him into the far wall, dazing him. The strength that lifted her was welcoming and feral.
Rey gave the old man a moment to gather his faculties. She wanted him lucid for this next part.
Groaning, Ematt unsteadily got to his feet, breathing hard as he watched Rey approach him slowly. She stilled him. As he realized he could no longer move, his eyes widened, showing the red and white of his bloodshot corneas.
"Tell me," Rey said, sliding the datapad from her satchel. "Do you recognize this recording?" She shoved the sleek tech in his face and watched as his expression turned from fear to dread. Listening to the video a second time, Rey couldn't stop the tears from trailing down her cheeks. She ate in the suffering to give her more focus.
"That woman was my mother," Rey hissed when the video ended. "And I believe the man who tried to get her free was my father. Is he?"
"You're Reyna…" he muttered, looking at her like she was something out of his nightmares. His comment unbalanced her briefly, because she didn't think this man would remember anything about her family, let alone her.
"The man in the video," she enunciated harder. "Is he Jacen?" Ematt didn't immediately speak. "Answer me!"
Ematt closed his eyes and mumbled, "Yes. He's Maridia's husband."
My father... "You killed them."
His lids snapped open. "No! I tried to stop the guards from firing, but Jacen was overpowering them. He forced my men to defend themselves."
Rey tapped the datapad, annoyed. "It didn't look like he had a weapon."
"He was very skilled without one. He killed five of my men getting to Maridia."
Rey tilted her head. "Am I supposed to care about that?"
He blinked harshly, the strain in his neck evidence of how hard the man was fighting against the hold. Of course, it was all futile.
Ematt spoke slowly. "What happened to your parents was a horrible accident and–"
"Accident?" Rey stepped back, astonished by the man's word choice. "Do you know what my life has been like since their deaths?" He remained quiet. "Do you!?"
Ematt flinched and licked his lips. "You… you were a scavenger on Jakku for many years."
She nodded and started pacing in front of the pathetic statue, her eyes bouncing along the table to the many consoles, and then back to her target. "Fifteen years. Everyday, I survived on the hope that my family would return to get me. But they never did. My youth was taken from me and with it, my ability to even have children." Ematt frowned, so she clarified. "Apparently, severe malnutrition can really ruin ones chances at having a family."
"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "Please–"
"You want mercy?" she asked, legs pausing so she could get a good, fiery stare at him. The heat from under her skin was so hot, it boiled her sweat, causing her to be surrounded by her own humidity. "I don't recall you showing my parents any."
"I never forgot about that day," he explained with trepidation, voice cracking. "It has haunted me knowing that you were out there in the galaxy somewhere, waiting for a mother and a father that wouldn't return."
Rey's icy eyes lit up with pure violence as she tried to control her shaking fists. "It must not have haunted you too much since you never tried to locate me. From the looks of it, this whole failure of an operation was swept under the rug. Probably out of embarrassment. Isn't that right?" His silence was laced with the answers she didn't want to hear. "And then I was forgotten."
"Please, I–" Banging abruptly came from the door as Ben called out to her to let him inside. Ematt opened his mouth to scream for help, but she viciously squeezed his throat shut before the air had a chance to escape his lungs. Face turning red, capillaries popping under his skin, Rey watched him suffer, which inadvertently caused her to suffer as well.
Force, this hurt. And it was painful in the weirdest, most satisfying way. The feeling was cold; it was a cold emptiness in the center of her chest. But somehow, this ache pushed her forward, giving her the resolve to keep going. If she could just finish what she came here to do, then she would be whole, then she could be relieved.
"Rey, open the door," Ben's muffled voice pleaded. "I know you're in there." But she didn't reply. The energy flowing through her urged her to squeeze harder, to watch as this man died from the vengeance that was so rightfully hers.
Power was a new sensation. Power was a good sensation.
The booming at the door vibrated her bones, making her glance over her shoulder to see dents in the hard, metal barrier. Of course, Ben was ruining this moment by trying to punch down the door. He had to have broken his hand from such an overly dramatic performance, but the agony didn't seem to stop him.
He'd tough guy it though, she thought.
Releasing Ematt's windpipe, he gasped for air, coughing and partly sobbing in the process. "Should I let him in? Do you think he'll try to save you?" she asked derisively. Ematt's attention was more focused on breathing than answering her.
Rey became intrigued by the possibilities of what Ben might try to do. Seeing how he was the one to help set her on this path, why not have him watch.
Releasing the lock, the door slid open, allowing Ben to stride in. He kept a good distance away, his eyes bouncing between her and her prey. By the look of his tousled hair, sweaty sheen, and labored breath, he'd sprinted here as soon as he felt what Rey was up to. That damn bond was so inconvenient… or was it? The rage over Ben lying to her again didn't quite meet what she felt for Ematt, but it came pretty damn close.
Eyeing Ben's bloodied and bruised fist, she wondered how much deeper she could get him to bleed.
Rey shut down the memory, not wanting to think about that confrontation with Ben. Focusing instead on finding a scrap of sustenance, she clawed her way through the cabinets and drawers, but all Rey could find on Ben's rickety light freighter were some ration bars, a few bags of dried grain, and a good amount of chocolate. She slammed the cabinet shut, shaking her head as she scolded herself for not planning ahead. The only belongings she brought were the clothes on her skin and the lightsaber hooked to her belt.
If Ben hadn't drilled into her head to always keep her saber on hand, she'd probably be without that too.
Settling on a ration bar, she went into the lounge and sat at the communal table, basically swallowing the calories in one bite. There was a minimal trace of vibration throughout the whole ship, making it apparent the hunk of metal was still in hyperspace. If she had actually made a thorough plan of escape before she jumped the blaster on confronting Ematt, then she wouldn't be foodless or without credits. And she would have chosen a ship with way fewer memories attached to it.
At least the fuel tank was full. But how far could she get before she burned through it?
Rey sat there for hours – maybe decades. Did time really matter all that much anymore? It was weird to feel so numb after everything she'd done. She just killed a man for Force sake, and here she was… blinking… breathing. Living. Was she alive? Did it all really happen? Was she training to be a Jedi; did she live at a Resistance base; did a man named Ben actually exist?
It all seemed like an allegory of hope and love, with an ending interlaced with lies and murder.
Intermixed with her deadened senses was a tinge of embarrassment. She had feasted upon Ben's lies because her heart had been hungry. And when it came to being with him, she had chosen opt-in ignorance. Rey knew how much of a vile and manipulative human being he could be, but she'd convinced herself that he was changing, that he was starting to become the man he once was. But a person as monstrous as him could never come back from the depths of his own hell. Fates, he loved living down in that pit way too much.
How stupid she was for being duped, for being caught in those passionate, dark eyes.
Even now, she shivered from the recollection. Ben always had a way of gazing at her like nothing else existed in the galaxy for him, like he was both enchanted by her and slightly in awe. And to someone who never mattered to anyone before, who'd been abandoned, who felt lost in the universe… that was how he got her. In a sad realization that was hard to accept, she had lived for those little moments. Stayed close for them. Kept walking beside him in hopes it would happen again and again and again. And ended up giving a part of her body to him, a part she could never get back. Did she cling to the first person to view her as a woman? Was she really that needy?
Was she really that pathetic?
All these questions she didn't want to answer, even though she could feel the truth behind them. Everything was so uncertain now; she had no idea what she was going to do after she solved the mystery of her family. Maybe she could find some credits and then go off, become a hermit, and live out the rest of her life in a corner of the galaxy that wasn't affected by this war. Except… everything was affected by the war. Her solution was a bacta patch to a rather serious blaster shot to the head.
And what about Kayani? The ancient being had been eerily quiet for a long time now. Perhaps Rey had to be the one to call upon her? Kayani did say Rey was in control of her own mind and body. It could be that ever since their fight over reviving Ben, she'd been unknowingly blocking her out.
Well, the woman was difficult to talk to, no matter how much Rey tried to see things from her point of view.
Later, Rey told herself. I'll figure it all out later.
Right now, she needed to think through how to navigate Niima Outpost without being detected.
()()()()()
Gradually climbing his way out of the realm of unconsciousness, Ren knew what the ringing sensation flowing throughout his body meant, the burn just below his sternum, the irritating, merciless itch: concern, but it wasn't for himself.
Rey.
Ren bolted upright, instantly regretting the decision as his skull cracked open from in between his orbital bone. Rey had pushed his mind a little too far when she knocked him out, and now he was feeling the side effects in the form of a splitting migraine.
Squinting, the lights seemed to be like blazing stars, but without the comfort of heat. Everything in the room was extra bright, which was probably from the white, sterile atmosphere. He was in the med bay and his right hand was wrapped in some sort of cast, the feeling of cool bacta gel caking his skin on the inside. Looking around, he–
Lizari sat on the exam table across from him, and in her lap was her daughter Anna, both quietly staring. "Hey," the woman greeted. "Sorry if I startled you. I was already here, waiting for a checkup when everything happened in one of the hangars. The rooms are overflowing with new patients, so they placed you in here with me. Do you want me to get a med droid for you?"
Hangars? New patients? Ben stretched out his mind, catching a thought here and a thought there, piecing together how Rey got off the base. Her violent escape was overshadowed by the fact that Major Ematt was miraculously still alive. Ren prayed the man remained that way. "No. I'll be fine," he said, sliding off the table and going to the counter.
"You've been avoiding Terr and Garreaus. And me."
He paused, and then unlocked the cabinets, searching through the medical equipment. "I… yeah, I have."
"Why?"
Finding what looked to be a miniature saw, he started gently slicing through the hard outer layer of the cast. Much of his focus went to the task at hand as he chose not to answer the woman.
"I just wanted to thank you for healing Anna," Lizari softly said from behind. "What you did for her didn't look easy."
Slightly hanging his head, he chewed at the inside of his cheek, keeping his back to her while he continued with the cutting. "I'm sorry about Jorfel," he whispered.
He heard her inhale and exhale. "It isn't your fault. We'd all be dead if it wasn't for you."
Her reassuring voice pierced him. She was the one who lost her husband, and here she was, comforting him, thanking him. His heart skipped a beat, reminding him that the muscle was indeed alive and not just a hollow space; a dark cavern. "If I'd gotten back sooner, I could have…"
"Saved him?" Ren sliced through the last of the plaster, letting the mold fall to the counter. His hand and forearm was severely black and blue, but already in the process of healing as he funneled the majority of his energy into repairing the damage. Within twenty minutes, the skin and bone should be back to normal.
Ren turned to see Liz brushing the hair from her daughter's face while looking at him with a distance in her eyes. "I've thought a lot about that, too. I've thought about all the different ways it could've turned out differently, but then I look around and find myself here. Jorfel got a taste of independence when he left the First Order, and he valued his freedom almost as much as his family." Ren waited for her to continue, but she didn't. He almost inquired on how she was doing, but held off. One good look at her pale face and tired eyes told him all he needed to know.
Not knowing what else to say, nor did he want to accept the gratitude, he made for the exit. "I need to know…" Ren stopped from her voice. "Did you make Sheldom suffer?"
Honesty or to lie? From the fierce expression on her comely face, he knew what answer she wanted to hear. And it just so happened to be the truth. "Yes."
She exhaled, her shoulders relaxing as if he'd just given her a reprieve from the pain. Funny how retribution could sometimes do that for you. "Good," she bit out, wrapping her arms tighter around her daughter, her eyes looking straight ahead.
Stepping into the main atrium, he was immediately met by the two hard stares of Poe and the trooper. Both rose from the waiting chairs, twisting and turning their way through the bustle of med droids and humanoid staff. Looking around, patients lined the walls, some sitting on the floor, holding an injured limb or cradling a wrapped head.
Rey caused all this?
Poe opened his mouth to speak, but Ren beat him to it. "The council is already convening."
The pilot nodded, showing no offense at having his thoughts read. "General Organa wanted us to bring you to the meeting after you woke." Ren was already moving by the time Poe finished that sentence. He didn't want to waste any unnecessary time, and by the way Poe and Finn took the lead, they didn't either.
"What are they saying about Rey?" Ren asked.
Poe answered from over his shoulder. "Well, there were some members who accused you of trying to kill Major Ematt, but with you passed out on the office floor and Rey injuring dozens of people in order to steal a ship, it all made pretty compelling evidence that she was responsible." Poe paused. "So... is she?"
"Is she what?"
"Did she try to murder Ematt?"
"Yes."
"Don't lie," Finn accused harshly, stepping in Ren's way as the three of them came to a sudden halt. "Rey isn't like you," his voice cracked from the constriction of anger and emotion. "She would never try to kill someone without a reason."
Still feeling like utter shit, head pounding, and anger revved up from being called a liar, Ren got in the troopers face. "That man caused the death of her parents. Or is that not a good enough reason for her to do what she did?" Clearly, Poe and the bucket-head had not been privy to that upsetting piece of information. Both appeared floored and momentarily speechless. Confusion would come next, but Ren wasn't in the mood to answer their questions.
He walked on, not needing to be guided anymore since he could feel both Skywalker and the general's essences close by. Even if he wasn't Force sensitive, he was sure that following the echoes of yelling and intermingled voices would have led him right where he needed to go.
The noise faded rather quickly due to his presence. "Why are you here?" Vassena annoyingly asked, standing on the opposite side of the round holoprojector table. "This is a closed meeting."
"I'm going to guess that 'spite' is not an appropriate answer. I have–"
Leia talked over him. "I wanted him to be here. He's the last person to have spoken with Rey." She glanced over, quickly giving Ren a look that said you-better-behave. Coming from her, it made him not want to.
"Is this why we haven't watched the recording yet?" Trend asked. Recording? What recording? "Because you wanted him to be here?"
"Seeing how he's also in the holovid, he might be able to shed more light on the whole situation."
"What holovid?" Ren spoke up.
"There are cameras in each of our offices," Leia explained. "The whole incident was recorded."
Oh… no….
As Statura worked at getting the projection up and working, Leia moved next to Ren.
"I can't stop them from seeing this," she whispered, her voice being shielded by the light chatter throughout the room. "I need to know if you two said anything about… Han."
He gulped through a tight throat as his heart threatened to beat it's way out of his broad chest. "I – I don't think so." His father had been brought up, but he was pretty sure from the perspective of an outside party, it would be mostly viewed as ambiguous.
Ren moved to the back, his mother showing a tinge of worry as she glanced at him. His swallowing increased and his hands trembled, making him cross his arms to try and hide it. Leaving seemed like the sensible thing to do, but he did want to know what happened between Ematt and Rey before he got there.
The confrontation proved more disturbing to watch than he initially thought. The woman in that hologram was the same corrupted version Ren had confronted mere hours ago, but it was still sickening to witness. And heartbreaking.
Then, his turn finally came up.
Ren angled his body away, his eyes fixating on the thick, electrical wiring winding its way through the numerous outlets in the slate wall. Unlike everyone else in the room, Ren didn't need to view this next part.
It was already seared into his memory from living it.
His fist pounded against the locked barrier as he yelled, "Rey! Let me in!" Glancing around, he didn't see anyone dart out of the rooms, looking to view the commotion – which was monumentally lucky. He really didn't need an audience for this and who the hell knew what the scene was like inside.
"Rey," he spoke in a lower voice. "Open the door. I know you're in there." Being this close, he could practically feel her dark impulses scratch under his skin, making him extremely antsy. Frustrated, Ren wheeled his fist back and punched at the metal. The Force augmented his strength so profoundly, that his knuckles left dents in the durasteel. It didn't take long for the sleek grey to be tainted with red, and even though he knew his hand was now broken, he kept going, not even feeling the pain.
The door abruptly opened and Ren froze mid punch as he glanced around the room. Multiple officers were on the floor or hunched over the table, all of them thankfully alive. As he stepped in, wrangling in his panting breath, he caught sight of Rey to the left… and a clearly horrified and immobile Ematt.
Rey was standing close to him, as if guarding a most valuable prize. Vast inky darkness surrounded her, like a black cloud from a stormy sky.
She threw a datapad at his feet, the screen shattering on impact. "When did you find out the truth?" she asked, voice eerily collected.
Ren eyed the lightsaber at her belt, feeling vulnerable without his own. He inhaled. "Over a week ago."
"How did you know what to search for?"
Ren rolled his jaw and clenched his teeth before revealing the truth. "When I was on Jakku, I obtained the names of your parents from Plutt."
Her eyes flickered, staring at him like a fog had been lifted and she was looking at someone she hadn't even known was there. "You've known their names even before Ahch-To… and you never told me?"
"I–" He faltered, knowing the explanation was going to sound bad. Because it was. "I didn't see any good coming out of you knowing their names. They were either dead, or they truly abandoned you and wanted nothing to do with you. I... wanted to spare you from the truth."
She scoffed. "How selfless of you." Her eye twitched as her gaze roamed around the room. "You knew all of this… while we were together last night," she said, her body language loose, but controlled, the exact opposite of how he acted when in one these fueled fits. Ren wasn't sure what to do… or what to say.
Rey looked to her right, studying Ematt with a tempered fury that could have been admirable under different circumstances. "You were right when you told me to leave your room before I regretted anything." She met his stare. "Because now, I regret everything. I gave you a part of myself I can never get back. Was that what you wanted?" Her eyes flared. "Were you actually bothered after talking with your mother, or were you pretending to be so I'd be more willing to have sex with you?"
"No," he responded immediately, glancing briefly at the terrified man. "You know last night was so much more than that." He took a step forward, placing his palm against his chest. "I wasn't putting on a front and nothing about our time together was a lie. Rey," his voice got reedy, "I love you. I was going to tell you about your parents tonight, because I realized it was wrong to keep it from you. I… I just wanted to protect you."
She smiled and laughed in a way that wasn't pleasant. "Well, now, this sounds familiar. Didn't your family not tell you about your grandfather for the exact same reason? To protect you?"
His gut went frigid as he tried to deny the similarities of the situations, but said denial was not strong enough to mask the truth.
"And look what you did in retaliation of finding out: you helped ruin the galaxy and murdered tons of innocent people. Even tore your family apart." Ren could very well feel how close he was to hyperventilating, like he used to so many times when he was a child. "Admit it – you were satisfied on Starkiller when he walked up to you on that bridge and you put the saber through his heart, weren't you?"
Flabbergasted, mouth agape, eyes wide, it was hard for him to fathom that she could say something like that to him. For someone who knew the darkness well, Ren suddenly felt out of his element. "Not gonna answer? That's okay." Rey shrugged. "I know you enjoyed it."
"Don't say something like that to me. Ever."
Rey didn't even blink. "I'll say whatever I damn well please." Was she trying to goad him into reacting? If so, then he needed to be very cautious with what he said to her. This whole situation was like having a glass vase in the middle of a battlefield: one wrong move, and it all shattered. In this case, one wrong word, and she might just decide to kill Ematt.
Ren hesitated, choosing his words carefully. "I made a promise to you that I wouldn't let you fall. Remember?"
Rey chuckled, mockingly. "When have you ever kept your word?"
Without warning, Ren's vision plunged into darkness before a brilliant mixture of color suddenly blossomed all around, cocooning him in a spectacle that shocked him back until his spine hit a hard barrier. The macabre of hues morphed into a solid scene… that involved him and his father.
"Dad!" Ben pushed through the crowd, running happily past the various booths. Glancing around, Ren recognized the fair as the Galactic Science Convention, one his parents had brought him to when he was ten. He'd been so ecstatic to win tickets to such an innovative event, and then to actually have both his parents take him had been a miracle of substantial weight.
But Ren wasn't happy to be here now, because he knew what was about to happen.
"Ben!" his father yelled as he walked up to him, his worried face morphing into frustration. "Your mother and I have been looking everywhere for you. I didn't bring you to the museum so you can run off and–"
"Look what I won," Ben said with elation, shoving the thick texts into Han's face. "I beat dozens of people at this game–"
"Game?" Han looked around, trying to find where his son could've possibly won a contest. "What game? Did you gamble?"
"No," Ben laughed while adjusting his grip on the thick books. "They just asked a bunch of science questions to some volunteers and the last one standing won the prize. Guess how far I got?!"
Han quirked a brow. "The last one standing?"
"Yup! And look what I won." He held up one novel after another, showing his father the faded covers. "Limited edition vintage texts about the revolution of medicine during the time of the Mandalorian Wars. I mean, you can find all of this through the HoloNet, but printing books is such a lost art, which make these priceless–"
"Did you cheat?"
Ben became frazzled, his smile faltering. "W-what? Cheat? No, I didn't –"
Han stepped forward. "Don't lie to me, kid.
Pulling the books closer to his chest, Ben stood firm. "I'm not lying."
His father eyed him ruthlessly. "Did you or did you not listen in on someone's thoughts so you could win?"
"No!" Ben shook his head vehemently. "I swear I didn't! I – I won fairly–"
"C'mon," Han grabbed Ben's arm, wheeling him around as he dragged him away. "You're gonna return those books so someone who deserves them can get 'em."
Ben ripped away from Han's hold. "But I deserve them!" he yelled, causing a scene, much to his father's blatant disapproval. "I beat everyone else without using the Force."
Han flinched at the word, like it was a curse being flung onto his life. "March over there right now and apologize for cheating," he pointed in the direction they'd been going. "I've raised you better than this."
Ben couldn't believe what just came out of a former smuggler and gambler's mouth. "You've barely raised me at all," he said, looking at Han with contempt. Even at ten, Ben almost matched the eye level of his own father.
The remark stunned Han for just a moment before he pointed a finger into his son's glaring face. "Ben, don't make me –"
Ben threw the books onto the ground, making them scatter into the crowd. Han straightened, looking down upon his vehement son. "If you want someone else to have these books so badly, then you can return them yourself," Ben hissed.
Rushing past his dad, he ignored the curious eyes while marching for the exit. Ren watched, remembering how he'd been so mad and embarrassed, partly for not being able to keep what he'd won… but mostly for his father being able to see right through him.
Ben had cheated on the last question. It was the first and last time he ever done such a thing during a contest, but he'd done it because greed had gotten the better of him.
And Han knew. Somehow, that man knew Ben's tells, even though the guy was barely around to see him grow up. The anger over that was more palpable than knowing he hadn't deserved to win.
The memory changed, showing a dimly lit living room in their house on Hosnian Prime. Leia and Han were sitting upright on the long sofa, both asleep, her head resting on his shoulder. Ben, much the same age, was lying on the opposite loveseat, arm tucked under his head and eyes watching whatever program was on the holoscreen. Such a normal familial scene, one that rarely occurred in that house.
Ren stood off to the side by the kitchen, viewing a memory he thought he'd forgotten.
Ben glanced over at his parents and observed the two of them for the longest time. Ren recalled what had been going through his mind in that moment: he'd been memorizing his fathers arm around his mother, the look of their content faces, and the comfort in which he rarely saw them give. He watched them for so long, pretending that they were a normal family – that his father didn't shy away every time Ben used the Force in front of him. Truly, what started Ben down the path of academics had been him pining to look normal, so maybe, just maybe, Han would see him as a conventional son.
It didn't work, but at least he found a joy in learning that he couldn't find with his family.
The memory went on for so long, Ren didn't even realize that he was now Ben, studying his parents from the vantage point of the soft blue couch. He was getting lost… everything feeling so tangible. Every inhale, he smelled his mother's perfume: jade roses with a hint of earthy undertones.
Abruptly, a much older version of Han formed in front of the holoscreen, his gruffly aged face looking down at Ben with so much sorrow, it broke him right at the center. Bolting over the sofa with zero grace, Ben tripped his way over to the corner of the room, shaking uncontrollably.
"Ben…" Han breathed, eyes questioning. "Why?"
Incapable of filling his lungs, Ben drowned in the moment, his eyes wide and locked on the face of the man he suddenly remembered murdering. But… he was only ten years old. How could he have – Who was he? What's happening?
Han looked longingly at a slumbering Leia. "You took me away from her. I'll never see her again."
Clawing at his hair, Ben closed his eyes and curled into himself, unable to hold back a deep sob. "No…"
"My boy."
A brush of a cheek…. Ben relived the lurch of plunging the lightsaber through his father's chest… and realized this whole experience was just an illusion mixed with memory, a hazy experience of vivid images and gut wrenching pain. He wasn't a child anymore.
"This isn't real," he whispered, opening his eyes and glancing up to catch an amused Rey standing behind the sofa that held his sleeping parents.
"Stop it," he demanded, and just like that, the vision vanished, leaving him panting against the wall of Major Ematt's office.
Rey feigned bemusement. "Can't take facing your worst fear?" she mocked. "This is what you've done so many times to other people, isn't it? I think it's only fair for you to experience the same thing."
Bending over and placing hands on his knees, he took deep, shaky breaths, focusing on the tears he didn't realize were dropping onto the floor. What she had done to him was right on his level of cruelty, but he couldn't get angry with her, no matter how hard she pushed him. Even if part of him wanted to. "Rey, I know what you're feeling," he breathed out low while unsteadily straightening.
Tilting her head to the side, her gaze narrowed. "Do you? Because you actually had a family while growing up."
"You feel betrayed, but torturing me or killing him won't change anything."
She shrugged "It'll make him dead. I'd say that's changing things."
"Your parents are gone." He shook his head, hair sticking to his sweaty skin. "This won't bring them back."
"You think I don't know that?" she asked, her voice rising in pitch. "You think I'm stupid enough to believe this will actually change anything?" Pause, and then, "I rotted on Jakku for fifteen years!" There it is, he thought. There's the rage. "Alone! Unwanted! Starving for food and thirsting for water!" Her face heated and her lip curled back as she continued, cycling through so many emotions, she appeared unhinged. "None of that can be changed now. All of that time has been wasted. All of it–" Her voice gave out, her eyes becoming distant for a fraction of a second as she composed herself. Then her focus went to Ematt. "But I can make the person responsible pay for what's been done."
"Where would it end? He was working for the Republic. More than likely, a group of senators sanctioned the operation. Are you going to kill them, too?"
"You think you're mother knew about this?" Ren stilled as her attention glided onto his stunned face. "Maybe she's one of the senators who authorized it."
Ren swallowed… and reminded himself to breathe. "She would never have authorized something like that," he enunciated every word with deliberation. "She's Vader's daughter. It would be like condemning herself."
"Maybe after we're done here, I'll go ask her about it. Just to make sure."
Rage made him lose his voice for a moment. "Don't."
Her brows popped. "Oh, have I finally crossed a line? I didn't think bringing up your mom would–"
"You do this and you can't take it back," Ren interrupted, motioning to her frozen victim. In truth, he was trying to steer the conversation away from his mother because he'd become instinctively furious over Rey threatening her safety.
"That's the point. Are you gonna tell me that I don't have the right to kill him?"
"No. I think you have every right; I'm not going to fight you on that. But if you do this, it will ruin you." He took a deep breath, digging somewhere deep inside to find what to say to her.
Ren was not a savior. Never had been. His interests had always been either his master's or his own. No one else's. He'd been against forming any sort of attachments that were permanent, but Rey changed all that the moment he saw her.
Warmth suddenly flooded his being, basking him in a soft light. It washed away his pain, the fear and his bitterness, leaving only perfect clarity in its wake. Ren realized it was the Force, but it had never felt like this. "Rey, listen to me," he said gently. "For so long, I have been a slave to my hatred, my rage. That's what the Dark side turned me into. That's what it does. Nothing in this galaxy will ever be enough to satiate it. You give it more and more of yourself, until you pass that point where a part of you always remains empty. What you're feeling will never bring you happiness. It's a trap baited with all the things you want most: Power, pride, belonging. But it's a lie. That life – it will never be worth living," he explained with beseeching sincerity.
Maybe it was the moment he chose not to kill her on Ahch-To. Or the time he first kissed her in the warm sea. Could have been all the quiet moments they lied awake at night, talking about anything and everything until they both drifted to sleep. But one thing was certain: somewhere along the journey, he tripped over the urge to feel alive again, yearning for the fall that would bring him home.
But looking into her voidless stare, he knew that in this moment, the distance between them was monumental, putting them on opposite sides.
Rey didn't take in a single word he said, which tore at him because he believed it wholeheartedly. "Look at you," Rey snickered. "Speaking from experience. But you know what?" She stalked closer to Ematt and Ren's neck pricked, bracing him. "I'm willing to gamble that I won't lose a wink of sleep over his death."
Rey was quick, too quick for Ren to stop her from stilling him. She expertly blocked his attempts at taking her down, rendering Ren useless. He'd been wondering exactly how far she was willing to go, and he received his answer as he watched Ematt's neck twist and give out a resounding snap, shocking Ren senseless. He vaguely heard himself yell something, but was unable to process what it was. Immobile and wide eyed, Ren witnessed the body crumble to the floor, unmoving.
No words came from his mouth as Rey just stood over the body, staring at the lifeless man. She didn't budge or show any signs of emotion; no breaking down or gasps over what she had done. Her registration was slow. Quiet. She moved at her own pace, even as Ren stayed frozen, rotting.
One minute and one millennia truly felt the same.
Eventually, Rey coolly walked up to him as his eyes shifted and he weakly stared down at her, his focus locked on and complete. He could have broken free from the arrest by now, but he wasn't sure if his knees were strong enough to hold his body weight.
And honestly, he just didn't care to do so.
Scrutinizing her face, she had transformed into a shell of the woman he once knew so intimately. Eyes dead, complexion pallid, mouth closed, he was gazing upon the same expression he'd worn for the last six years: Lost. Fetal. Despondent. Such a guise was sacrilegious to be visibly worn by her.
Rey glanced at the door and with dejection worthy of a castaway, Ren pleaded for her not to leave, even though he knew she could no longer stay. Or be with him.
She eyed him up and down. "No reason to stay is a good reason to go." Her voice was so grave, it seemed like it should've come out of a corpse.
"I love you." Truly, his love for her roared louder than her demons.
But of course, his credibility had expired. "Liar." There was no accusation in her tone. No scorn. Just a statement of what she believed him to be.
Quickly, he whispered, "When you're alone, there will come a time where you realize that you pushed everyone away. And you'll think that you've done too much to turn back. But you can. You'll tell yourself you can't, but you can. Remember that." That was all he could think of to say, because that was the only thing he wished someone had told him before he'd gone off into the galaxy to destroy the man he once was.
"We'll see," she replied.
Slamming into his mind, she forced him asleep, the darkness inking into his vision as his numb body hit the hard floor.
()()()()()
Leia watched the projection of Rey standing above her son's crumpled body, noticing the girl's impassive face and dull eyes. From the slight shift in Rey's body language, Leia thought she was going to crouch down and touch Ben, but she didn't. Instead, Rey hurriedly left the room, leaving only a picture of the unconscious bodies on the floor. The recording blinked off as the above lights came back to full power.
Silence followed, from what Leia perceived as sheer shock. Her gaze reflexively shifted to Ben, noticing that his attention was directed at the wall next to him. If she were in his position, she wouldn't have watched the video either. Honestly, from the personal subject matter shown, she was surprised he stayed in the room at all.
Luke wasn't faring any better. Her brother was upset he hadn't felt the Dark side sooner, because if he had, he could have stopped Rey from becoming lost. Unlike her son, Leia had a feeling that Luke would have extinguished the situation before it escalated. But she wasn't mad at Ben for trying to talk Rey down. The boy loved her and probably didn't want to hurt her.
Both men cared for the girl in vastly different ways, but Luke would have been more objective when dealing with a clearly vindictive Rey.
Even though the holovid didn't give her a clue as to where Rey went off to, the viewing wasn't a complete loss. Leia had to wipe her eyes when she watched Ben talk about the falsity of the darkness and what it twisted him into. His last words to Rey nearly made her lose it, because she saw how deeply Snoke manipulated her son into believing that he'd done too much to return home. For the thousandth time, Leia daydreamed of wrapping her hands around that creature's neck and squeezing the borrowed time right out of him.
Trend was the first to speak up, her hands resting on the circular holoprojector, every hair and inch of clothing perfectly in place. How august the woman appeared. How collected. "The girl needs to be found and apprehended before–"
The room suddenly spun into a cacophony of voices that were indecipherable, but urgent, drowning Vassena's words below the many opinions offered. Of course, no one was questioning the role Ematt played in all of this. Earlier, they had all watched the same video recovered from the broken datapad, but not one person, besides her, had tried to bring it up. All they saw was the crime; all they wanted was the justice.
But could she really blame them for wearing blinders? When Leia was younger, she'd been much the same way: upholding the law and punishing the transgressors. But with old age, she'd come to see that such things were no longer black and white. Especially where the Force was concerned.
Frustration caused her jaw to clench as her mind worked on shaping a plan.
"We don't have the resources to scourer the galaxy searching for her," Admiral Statura shouted, catching the attention of a few. "Not with the First Order breathing down our necks."
Trend argued back. "That girl is destructive and has been trained in the ways of the Force. We all know how much of a disaster that can be." She briefly glanced at Ben. "She needs to be found immediately."
Leia cleared her throat, exploiting the opening Vassena had unknowingly given her. "I agree, Admiral Trend." Every head in the room turned, every mouth snapped shut. "I'll take it upon myself to put a team together. The numbers will only be few, but I think stealth is a better option for this particular assignment." Seeing two high ranking officials being civil and agreeing with one another was a moment that showed sensibility and maturity. Obviously, no one knew how to react to it. This was Leia and Vassena, after all.
Meanwhile, Leia pretended not to notice the very intent stares of her son and brother, who remained silent off to her left and right.
Admiral Trend tried her best at composing her confusion. "I'm glad to see us agree on something, General Organa."
Oh, but we don't.
The trooper stepped forward and asked, "What will happen to her if she's brought back here?"
"The full extent of the law still applies for attempted murder. Or murder, if Ematt passes away," Vassena explained. Finn looked from Trend to Leia and back again, maybe hoping to get a different answer than the one heard. None were offered.
"I'll entrust you with working out the details of the charges that are to be brought against her," Leia civilly addressed the admiral. "Now, if you could all see yourselves out, I need a moment alone with my son." Hesitation arose, but one by one, they all filed out of the room, Vassena surprisingly being one of the first to leave. As she'd anticipated, Trend was in a hurry to get on her datapad and search for everything pertaining to the law.
How easily people lost focus as to who their true enemies were.
Once the door slid closed, Ben moved toward her, causing Luke to take position by her side. "You can't seriously be considering arresting Rey and putting her on trial–"
"I'm not," Leia interrupted, noticing that Dameron and Finn were still in the room. She decided to let them stay. "Knowing Vassena, she'll be all too eager at figuring out how to get Rey slammed with a death sentence. Which will give us some time to figure out what to do."
Both looking at each other, Leia couldn't help but study her son's masculine face. His dark, wavy hair had grown so much over the last few weeks that she was tempted to tell him to get it cut. It was a stark contrast to how he preferred the rest of himself polished, but ever since the bullying started when he was younger, Ben always kept his hair long to hide his protruding ears. Shame, though. Leia did love his uniquely large ears. It made him appear younger, more carefree. Less of a threat.
Ben narrowed his gaze. "Did you know about this?" He didn't need to expound on what he was asking. Leia knew what he was getting at.
"No," she staunchly replied. "Like you said, I would never have authorized such an operation. And I would have stopped it if I ever found out." Truly, she would have. While Leia abhorred where she biologically came from, to persecute those with a similar background would be branding herself a hypocrite. She and Luke were a testament that no matter your heritage, the sins of the parents did not bloom in the children they bore.
Now looking to Luke as if the Jedi had said his name, Ben hotly said, "Is there something on your mind? Best to let it out. Wouldn't want it to fester."
Luke exhaled deeply. "Ben–"
"You've just been waiting for me to somehow ruin everything, haven't you?" Leia stood there, agog. It wasn't over what he said, but more over whom he was saying it to. For the most part, Luke and Ben went out of their ways to ignore one another. "Well, I think I more than exceeded your expectations this time."
Luke shook his head. "I'm not blaming you for this. Rey's actions are her own. She chose to seek vengeance."
"So if you were in her position, you would've been able to just let it go?" Ben asked, looking around at the others as if seeking validation. "I think you're all underestimating how much rage she suppressed over being left on Jakku and living alone for fifteen years."
Without hesitation, Finn stepped in. "And you aren't? You're the one who kept this from her."
"Because of this exact reason!"
"Maybe if you actually sat her down and explained everything, she wouldn't have tried to commit murder!"
"Hey!" Poe wedged himself between the two fired up men as Luke grabbed Finn's arm, pulling the trooper back. Ben batted Poe's hands away and stalked off to the opposite side of the room, his face twitching with unreleased anger. Leia wanted to go to him, but she stayed where she was. "The only person at fault is Major Ematt," Poe said in a more conservative tone. "So how about we all just agree on that and try to keep our voices down. We don't need to draw outside attention."
Ben's dark brown eyes got so tight, he wasn't frowning; he was glaring. "The New Republic is also at fault," he said through gritted teeth, his body staying as far away from them as possible. Or more accurately, away from Finn.
"I don't think–"
"He's right," Leia said as she flicked her braid from off of her shoulder. "The Republic failed her, but putting aside the blame, we need to find her before the First Order does."
Still staying close to the trooper, Luke said, "I'm going to leave within the hour and–"
"You can't go."
Brows rising, Luke stared at his sister for a moment before saying, "Leia, she's my apprentice, and I don't mean any disrespect, but you can't order me not to."
"I'm not ordering you. I'm asking you to stay," she implored, getting a good look at the bags under his eyes. They were both getting too old for all of this, but time was a reckoning force that did not discriminate. "I need you here with me. You've already been out of the fight far too long and the Resistance is in need of the last remaining Jedi. I need support in this war, and your name could very well sway other planets to join our cause."
Luke thought over her reasoning, shaking his head. "I've been here for weeks, and I don't see how my presence has helped you any."
Leia pointed directly at her brother. "You've been a recluse, training Rey during the day and staying in your room during the evenings. I need you physically by my side, Luke. I need you talking to planetary leaders and spewing out some wise Jedi words that will give them enough courage to fight against the very real threat of fascism."
"Leia, I–"
"Ben will find her." That statement seemed to wake everyone up, especially her son, who was still barricading himself against the far wall. To his credit, at least he was controlling his temper. If he were ten years younger, this whole room would have been reduced to its molecular structure by now.
"He isn't allowed to leave the base," Luke stated.
She waved her hand around. "I just allowed it, so he can. Besides, he's planning on leaving with or without permission. Probably right after we're done talking here." Leia turned to address Ben. "Isn't that right?"
Ben's eyes shifted to his uncle before settling back on Leia. "Yes."
"This is a big risk, not just because the possibility over you"–Luke pointed to Ben–"being caught by the First Order, but because of the dissent this will cause in the Resistance. Not one person will support your decision to let Ben go. Trend–"
"I'm the leader and founder of the Resistance. Everyone answers to me; it's not the other way around. Ben goes." The twins stared at each other, both searching the others face and trying to gage the others will power. Leia didn't know why Luke even bothered with the stare down. They both knew she was going to win, because she never settled for anything less.
And yes, she knew her brother could be a pushover if she played her cards right.
"I'll need Poe and the trooper." The fact that that wasn't a question, but a demand, was not surprising when it came to her son.
"Poe can't go," Leia said, breaking off eye contact with Luke. From the way he stepped away, rubbing his beard, she knew the argument had settled in her favor. "He has an important mission coming up and I can't spare him."
"Important mission?" Poe straightened. "I haven't been informed of anything."
"You just were. Come by my office after dinner to discuss the specifics." Poe nodded, looking at Leia with pride over being given an assignment that sounded significant. If there was anyone Leia trusted with the task she had in mind, it was Dameron. His past performances had proven him to be quick on his feet and creative with improvisation. And through it all, he was still alive and loyal to the cause.
Leia thought of Poe's father, thinking how proud he must be to have such an exemplary son. In truth, Leia sometimes looked at the young man as if he were her own, which panged her with guilt since she already had a child. But… she couldn't help but fantasize what her life could've been like if Ben had grown up being more like Poe.
Looking to have reined in his frustration, Ben left his sanctuary and joined the small group. "Fine. I'll take the trooper then."
"That trooper has a name," Poe growled. And just stared at him.
In the short awkward silence that followed, Leia witnessed her son soften by only a fraction, but still, the fact that he did so was astonishing. "Fine," Ben grumbled. "Finn."
Those two traveling the galaxy together could very well turn into a huge problem. Mainly for Finn. "Given the history you have with my son, would you be willing to do this?" she asked him.
"Yes. Absolutely. I, uhhh…" Finn's voice tapered, his eyes glancing down nervously.
Leia read him easily. "You were also planning on secretly leaving and searching for her."
Finn shrugged. "Maybe…" A ghost of a smile flickered across her lips. Rey was a lucky woman to have such a loyal friend… and to have the heart of her son.
"Okay. You two," she addressed Finn and Ben. "Go and pack. Commander Dameron, gather up weapons and supplies and put them on the Falcon. Tell no one what you're doing. Understood?"
"Yes, General," Poe and Finn responded in unison. Ben was quiet, a frown setting deep between his eyes.
"We need to get you two out of here as fast as possible before anyone catches wind of you leaving," she added.
"Are you sure about this Leia?" Luke asked one last time. "This will cause an uproar."
"I'm sure. I can handle the council," she assured him. Glancing at Dameron, she gave him one last order. "The Falcon will need to be fueled–"
"No," Ben said. "I'm not taking that ship."
Leia looked at her son's hard-set eyes and wanted to curse. Talking to him always felt like she was trudging up a mountain with a pair of concrete slabs for feet, eyes blindfolded and hands tied behind her back. "The Falcon is now your ship. So you're taking it." His lids widened and for once, she stunned him into speechlessness. "Now I suggest you all get going. The longer you wait, the farther Rey gets."
Poe and Finn hurried out, but Ben stayed put, standing there in a way that tested her patience. Slowly he walked for the door and paused in front of her, looking down from over his shoulder. His eyes were fathomless obsidian, its pit carved out and bottomless from the fires of his own indignation. Cold and merciless.
Unlike her brother, these eyes were harder to hold. But unbeknownst to her son's attempt at intimidation, she had met someone much more malicious and foreboding, someone who didn't have eyes to search, but a black mask to fear.
Darth Vader.
Who knew her own father would be the one to give her enough strength to look into her son's chilling eyes.
And then Ben was gone, not even saying a word. Luke placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, reminding her of his supportive presence. She grabbed it, giving it a squeeze. Neither spoke, but Luke could always understand Leia's silence better than her own words.
Not wanting this to be the last goodbye her and Ben had for what might be a long time, she ambled to his quarters, hoping to at least achieve a proper farewell.
()()()()()
Ren glided into his room… and stopped. His big statuesque form faced the bed, eyes roaming up and down the tucked blankets and cloud-like pillows. Blinking, each eyelid felt swollen and throbbed, as if he'd been crying for days and days and days. But he hadn't, even though he felt like he should be.
Standing there, he rubbed his fingers against his thumb, still feeling the slight tingle from the memory of caressing Rey's skin….
He could perfectly envision her on the bed, exactly as she'd been the night before: her tanned, tight body lounging, her innocent eyes nervous, so unsure of how attractive she was – which unknowingly worked in her favor, making her more desirable.
Thinking back to that prostitute in the bar on Lothal, he admitted that the woman had been beautiful. But that was the point. It was all about enticing men or women to pay for the goods, while never getting anything real in return. That woman, all made up and dripping with offers, didn't even hold a candle to Rey – much the same way a regularly tended greenhouse flower wasn't nearly as attractive as something that grew out in the wild, untamed and untouched.
Now, everything was over. Ren highly doubted they could ever be together again. What he kept from her… well, nothing good ever came from keeping the truth from someone. He was living proof of that.
The door initiated, but he didn't glance back to see who it was. He already knew. "When I find Rey, we won't be coming back here." Ren wasn't going to let the New Republic get ahold of her. They would use her as an example of what happens to Force users who disregarded the law.
"I know," Leia said, walking further into his quarters. "It's for the best, given the situation." He was expecting more of an argument, especially with how they just left off the previous conversation, but apparently his mother was in a strangely understanding mood all of sudden. "But you and I need to keep in contact. If I leave a message aboard the Falcon, you need to actually view it." He gave out a quick sardonic chuckle, knowing that was meant to be a jab over the fact that he never viewed the message she had sent him after she'd been ousted as Vader's daughter. Knowing her, she probably checked every so often, hoping to see that he'd watched it.
He never had.
Going to the closet, he said, "That ship doesn't belong to me, and I'm not taking it."
"Yes it does, and yes you are," Leia spoke firmly, showing she was actually not in an understanding mood. I thought too soon. "The Falcon is one of the only ships that isn't in need of immediate repairs." Ren grabbed the two duffles and strode back to the bed. "And you know how to fly it. Probably better than anyone else here."
He plopped the luggage on the mattress, unzipping the openings a little too forcibly. "I was a child when I learned."
"And I doubt you've forgotten. You never forget anything." Whether the last part was meant to be a slight, Ren couldn't tell. "I commed Harter and you can drop by med bay to get the chip removed. She'll be discreet and–"
He wheeled around, interrupting her. "No need. I already took it out." Leia composed her stunned face quickly and didn't press him on the details. She probably expected him to pull such a stunt.
Sensing that his mother was going to bring up the Falcon again, he changed the subject. "It would be imprudent to admit to the council that you let me leave. You can lose a substantial amount of support." Not like he cared. He was bringing it up because… because…
"It's better that they know I gave you the order to find her, than to think you escaped. I don't want them thinking you're a criminal."
War criminal would be more accurate. Ren shrugged his indifference. "They already do, so just let them. If you acknowledge that you knew about this, it could very well blow up in your face."
Leia's lids shut briefly. "Ben… I can't help feeling protective over you." Her tone was composed. Level. Gentle, might even be apt. "I'm your mother."
He rolled his eyes as he swept back his hair, and for some odd reason, he almost expected her to point out that he was in dire need of a trim. "Well, you picked one hell of a time to start acting like it. The middle of a war? Great judgment you got there."
"I can't just turn off my parental instincts," she said, her voice losing that soft tone.
"Interesting. I didn't even know you had an on switch for that."
"Dammit Ben," she harshly exhaled, massaging her eyes between her forefinger and thumb. Taking in a few breaths to calm down from the outburst, she said in a stern, but even timbre, "Is it really that hard to talk to me without the snarky comments?"
Ren rubbed his face and gave out a noise that was somewhere between a growl and a groan. "I told you last night, you and I can never be mother and son again. You need to accept that and move on."
"And you can tell me with one hundred percent certainty that you've moved on? That you don't wish me to be a mother to you?" Ren crossed his arms, defending himself from the onslaught of personal questions. "Because I think you want that just as much as I want my boy back." She paused so he could answer. He didn't. "Or did I hallucinate your reaction in that holovid when Rey oh so subtly threatened my life?"
There really was no winning with this woman. Not for the first time in his life, Ren realized they were so much alike: obstinate, rough around the edges, and somehow readable to one another.
"Fine," he stated, fanning his arms out in defeat. "You know what? You're right. You're always right. I do want you to be my mother again." While his tone was more jeering than tender, what he said was the truth. "I want you to tell me that everything will be alright, even if it won't change anything. I admit to all of it," he bit out. "And I'm an absolute fool for doing so."
Hands on hips, he glanced down, the clamor between his ears raising the frustration up a level. "Do you even know how many nights I wished I didn't have the Force? That I could be normal?" Leia stared back, her lips remaining sealed – which was fine. The questions were rhetorical anyway. "All my life," he continued, "because the thoughts I heard from you and Han made me hate myself. I've always despised who I am. And then I was dumped at that horrendous academy and I never got over feeling abandoned by you two."
The shocked expression he received from his mother was achingly satisfying. But why stop the rambling there? Why not bring the reality of who he was full circle? Strive for greatness, he always said.
"Would you like to know what went through my mind as I died on Lothal?" He laughed at where his thoughts were headed, because to him, they were amusing. But Leia didn't share the same sentiment. "It was of you, when I was a boy. I was scared and had wet the bed again from having one of those nightmares. You let me sleep in your arms that night, telling me that monsters weren't real and that you would always protect me." He waved his hands over his form, all sense of flippancy now gone, his eyes like stone. "Now look at me? I am the very monster you promised to protect me from. Irony at its finest."
His sight bore into her, but Leia could no longer hold his stare. Instead, she looked over at the closet. At the clothes hanging lifelessly from the hangers.
"You don't look very happy about my confession," he observed.
She met his gaze. "Are you?"
He told her what she wanted to know and still, it didn't seem to be enough. Maybe he should have spoken with a softer tone or showed more emotion like he had last night. Yeah… I'm not stooping to that level with her. Ren was pretty sure he cried enough tears in front of his mother yesterday to deserve never having to do it again.
And here he thought words counted. Apparently the delivery was just as crucial.
Ren closed his eyes for a moment. He couldn't help himself. The guilt over his father almost pushed him into giving this woman whatever she wanted: her son. And maybe some kind words.
When his lids opened, he saw Leia's eyes shining, reflecting the pity she no doubt felt for him. He glared at her. "Don't look at me like that," he said low and demanding.
Going back to the business of packing, he didn't bother organizing any of the clothes or hygienic products. Not like Rey would care if her shirts and trousers were to become wrinkled. Her haphazard job of putting her stuff away made that evident.
Sweeping through the drawers, a strange crumbling noise came from beneath her clothes. Digging, he paused, and then grabbed a handful of ration bars and small snacks. The whole bottom part of the drawer was littered with them, all of it being hidden by her garments. She kept a cache of food, even though it was all readily available in the mess hall.
What he held in his hands was truly a sad sight as he thought of her as a little girl, stowing away food and water because her life had been so unpredictable. A child should not live in such a way.
Dumping all of Rey's and his stuff into the two, long duffle bags, he pushed everything down and zipped one of them up. Snatching her journal and doll, he placed them on top of the other before closing it. He grabbed the handles with one hand, throwing the luggage over his shoulder, and then went for both her staffs in the closet: the one she made on Jakku and the one he helped her make on Spira.
Ren wasn't sure if he should feel relieved or worried over knowing she at least had her lightsaber.
Turning to the exit, Leia was still in the way of the door, blocking him. Of course, he'd known she was there. Her stare only burned a scorching hole through his back the whole time he ran around the room, packing like a spastic spice addict working off the jitters. Surprisingly, he was slightly peeved she hadn't offered to help.
"Do you only remember the bad memories?" she asked, arms crossed, feet planted.
He sighed. "No, I do remember some of the good parts, but... to me, they pale in comparison to everything else."
Leia nodded slowly, and put her hand out as if to touch him. He stepped back, pinching his stare. Withdrawing her hand, she appeared hurt by his need to dodge her. "I'm going to prove that I can be a mother to you, Ben. I swear it."
Fates… the conviction in her voice and in her expression was borderline mesmerizing. He could tell she actually believed in such a promise, and he found himself almost believing it as well. That kind of hope was only a step away, which was a distance that was very easily crossed by a weak mind searching for rescue from a deprived life.
But he didn't allow his emotions to go there. The fact that she chose to take on such a task, while in the middle of a war and being the leader of an opposing side, made him seriously doubt her cognition. "Going to send more invites for afternoon meal?" he sneeringly asked. "Let me save you from the hassle and cancel on you right now."
Leia lowered her head, and then stepped aside, reaching into her pocket to pull out something black and slender, along with a credit chip. "Here. Take this," she said, holding it out to him. "It's an identification card tied to the Elder Houses and Alderaan, but no name is attached to it. Most people will recognize it, though. The credit chip is to your own inheritance account. I thought these could help make your travels... easier."
His hand was slow to retrieve the items, as if he were being passed something sacred. He noted the weight attached to the identification card before placing both lifelines in his trouser pocket. He gave his mother a nod and let himself out, turning down the hallway.
"Ben," she called out.
Halting, he glanced halfway back, only seeing her small frame from his periphery.
"May the–" She caught herself. "Be careful."
Ren stared at the floor for a moment before murmuring a 'you too,' because apparently he wasn't completely heartless.
Continuing to the hangar, he felt frazzled. Exhausted. Spent. Talking with his mother always consisted of immense highs and lows in emotion, and right now, he was feeling extremely down. How was it that his first reaction to being around her always consisted of him acting like an ass? Maybe he should–
No, he thought. She was a Republic Senator and was now leading a cause he did not fully agree with.
As his mind played through all the reasons he shouldn't trust the woman, a small part of him kept rebelling against the idea. Sometimes during situations like these, where hope seemed far away and loneliness was just around the corner, he wanted to be comforted and talked to.
Sometimes… all he really wanted was his mom.
A/N
There you go folks! The part where Ren is describing to Rey how the dark side is not a way to live is based on a snippet from Dark Disciple. Highly recommend that book!
The next chapter is mostly written. Just gotta do some basic editing. But here is a little snippet for now!
Excerpt:
She grew up dirty, battered, and surrounded by the treasures she had scavenged, knowing that others not familiar with her lifestyle would see it all as mere junk– including her. But what she didn't trade she refurbished, giving new life to the broken down and forgotten, talking to the inanimate objects like they were her pets. Even with inorganic material, she showed it the same amount of compassion as she would if she came across someone dying on Pilgrims Road. Besides, she couldn't always rely on her make believe friends. Sometimes they would disappear for days on end, leaving her to rudely await their return. So of course she had to find sanctuary in something that was more tangible. Ones mind always needed a backup plan as to how to hold onto a parcel of sanity.
Rey's throat closed as reality marched it's way into her brains rhythm.
I hope you enjoyed the chapter. If you feel so inclined, follow, fave, or leave a review! Till next time!