Thanks for all the follows, faves, and reviews! I really do have the best readers! And since the chapter is under a certain word count, I'll respond to some of the reviews here. Also, Happy Valentines day to all those who celebrate it! At least, it's still Valentines day where I live. Wanted to show how much I love you guys by giving you another chapter!
lucel18: I'm glad you liked the action. I had to do a lot of research in how to describe certain parts of the ship and what words to use to make it feel like Star Wars. I don't really like writing action, because you have to choreograph it and then write it out to the extent that the readers can visualize what is happening. It is super difficult. I sure do pack in the angst in this fic, don't I? And it ain't over. Not by a long shot. Some of my favorite korean dramas are Coffee Prince, Queen in Hyun's Man, Goblin, Stranger, and Secret Garden. I have an addiction folks, but the drama in those shows is fantastic! I'm not really good at writing fluff, but they do have moments together that get steamy. I'll explain how they're marked below if anyone doesn't want to read it. Aleta Wolff: I was trying to write suspense, and I'm glad you were really into the action. I still like TLJ, but I'm not going to lie, I liked my ending better. lol. Arugula Pacioli: It's so true! He loves powerful women way too much. Which is sad, because all he wants is their attention, but they have other purposes that don't revolve around him. NightElfCrawler: There was a lot going on last chapter. I hope it wasn't too hard to follow. There are only a few chapters left, so you shall all know the ending soon enough! Belice: I'm happy you're all caught up now and that you love the story so much you'd want to see it as a movie. If only! lol. Thanks for binge reading! Maria Saldana: You're welcome! Thanks for the comment! liquidsunshine: I definitely had a surge in follows and faves after TLJ came out. It was quite shocking, but welcomed! I think after the movie, we had a lot of people joining the Reylo family– which is great! Poe's death is painful, but I'm glad you found it perfect at the same time. Thanks! MaelsiC: Hello! I totally understand about school and needing to focus on it. I remember those days *shakes in horror*. I am so flattered you like the story enough to wish it was the movie. And hey, you didn't have to wait too long for the next chapter! Yeah! ToLancer: I'm not sure if you've gotten this far and I know I pm'ed you a response to your comments, but just wanted to say thank you again for the reviews! Trust me, you can never leave too many.
So this chapter is a lot slower than the last one since it's the resolution aspect of the battle. I'm sorry if you find it boring! But I want you to know how the characters are feeling.
Warning: there is sexual content in this chapter. I didn't think I'd write anymore smut into the fic, but it just happened and I couldn't stop it. I bolded the first word of the paragraph where it starts, and then bolded the first word where it ends, just in case smut isn't your thing and you want to skip over it.
Chapter Forty-five
Ren spent the majority of the day on the bridge, asserting himself as a leader who was strict and not to be disobeyed. Riots had sprung among the ranks quickly, raising the death toll aboard the Star Destroyers. Those who'd been found pulling the trigger were executed without the opportunity to defend themselves. All others who participated were jailed. No leniency. Ren had made that clear.
From reports, the holding cells were getting close to reaching maximum capacity.
Then there was the public relations angle that had to be dealt with. New messages and holovids had to be sent out to every corner of the galaxy that he was now the leader of the First Order, and that any new acts of treason or rebellion would be met with severe punishment. Ren left it to the few lawyers that were still alive to work out the details for his later approval.
Members of Finn's little trooper club eventually started to come aboard – a woman with sharp features and buzzed hair quickly demanding an audience with him. Ren recognized her when she entered the bridge. She had been Finn's second in power and responsibilities when it came to the ESC.
Bre, that's what she went by. There was more to her name, but Ren couldn't remember the rest.
The woman was blunt and somewhat tactless, but smart while never going too far as to disrespect him. Her opinions were logical, and Ren found himself listening to her advisement. It had only taken a few hours of the woman's presence before Ren promoted her to Admiral. It was the first time since he'd met her that she was momentarily at a loss for words, but she didn't waste his time with faking modesty.
She accepted.
With most of the leaders of the previous High Command now either dead or jailed, he needed to fill those roles before he ran himself into the ground or his heart gave out. He realized rather quickly that he couldn't run the First Order completely on his own.
When Ren finally felt somewhat comfortable with leaving the bridge, he headed to where his quarters had once been. Problem was, Chewie never stopped following him around after he had made contact with his mother and uncle. The Wookie remained quiet the entirety of the time, but his close proximity was becoming more than Ren could handle. Before entering his room, he told Chewie to go rest in the spare cabin down the hall. Chewie didn't want to, but Ren insisted and explained that he wished to be alone. Something in his face must've been convincing; Chewie gave him the space he needed as Ren watched him disappear through a corridor.
He stood there for a moment before going inside. The chambers was bare, all his belongings now gone, probably burned in a celebratory ritual thrown by Hux.
Ren went to the wall panel and ordered a serving droid to bring him food and clothing, preferably the black tunics he liked to wear. At this point, he was so famished, he'd eat a crate full of rations and not even care that it tasted like the leather sole of a boot.
A hot shower always had a way of rejuvenating him, but this time, as the minutes ticked by, the fatigue kept getting worse. When was the last time he's slept? It must've been on the Falcon, following the events on Chandrila. After that, everything started to tumble at a pace he was barely able to keep up with. His body had been going none stop for longer than he was accustomed to.
Ren stood under the scalding stream, looking at his scarred palm. He'd once died, and now here he was, the entirety of the galaxy under his control. He previously had nothing, and now he had everything.
He dressed into the clothes the droid had delivered, relieved that they were his standard black tunics. Hux wasn't as efficient as Ren thought in getting rid of his entire wardrobe.
Scarfing down the plate of food left on the desk, he then grabbed his datapad and headed out to one of the meeting rooms, forgoing wearing the leather cape and mask. He hadn't seen Rey or Finn since leaving them in the hall. So before he had left the command bridge, he sent a message for them to meet him in the conference chambers on the same level.
He arrived to an empty room. Not a complete surprise. Rey never was one for promptness. Though, she probably had her hands full with consoling Finn.
Ren could forgive that.
Luke and Leia should be close to arriving. They had jumped to hyperspace while fleeing the battle, and were only able to make contact once they dropped out of the alternate dimension. By then, they were halfway across the galaxy, needing to stop for fuel to be able to jump back to Jakku. That was one of the reasons Ren still hadn't moved the fleet. He was waiting for them.
Deciding to pass the time in a more comfortable setting, he entered the connecting chambers to the officer's lounge, relaxing his body into a plush recliner. He slouched, resting his head on the curved spine while staring at the roof. For the first time since this all began he was finally still, no longer having anything left to distract him.
Tears came to Ren's eyes, in spite of himself. He scrunched his lids closed, but didn't reach up to wipe away the accumulating moisture.
Ren couldn't help it, he was too bereaved, too exhausted from the events over the last day; though he tried not to, he cried. Again. Ren didn't like to cry, and over the past couple of months rarely did. But it was like he was back at the beginning of his transition: emotionally unstable. Each time he wept, it was for a worse reason, the sobs more unbearable than the last.
Pain would always find different ways to abuse him.
First there was losing Jorfel, the first friend he ever made that didn't involve the Force, that wasn't predicated on an otherworldly connection.
Then Poe had joined the ranks of the dead. It was with him Ren imagined what a normal friendship to be like. And it was because of what Poe had told him, that Ren chose not to kill Hux. "Look... Obviously, I'm not very good at giving advice, but... the next time you're faced with murdering someone, you should think it over before you do. Because sometimes, it just isn't worth it." Those words had quelled Ren's rage enough for him to think straight.
The next sob was for that lost, little girl he'd found in that cave, reaching out to him behind those metal bars. Looking at him like he was her salvation. Were Jess' thoughts propelled back to that haunting place as she lay dying in a similar cavern?
Ren had failed them all, in the end.
How was he even still alive? Why did they all die and he didn't? If anyone deserved not to be breathing anymore, it was him. The thought was fleeting, but maybe Rey never should've brought him back when he passed on Lothal. It wasn't fair that he got a second chance. He was a murderer. He killed his own father.
Ren exhaled.
He'd never get past that, would he? People could forgive him for ruthlessly lancing Han through the heart, claiming that he'd been misguided, but Ben never would, no matter how many times they told him he needed to. None of them understood. The moment he forgave himself would be the moment Han was truly gone. At least with the guilt, he felt like his father was somehow with him. And... Ben missed him. Those few good moments they had shared – laughing, talking, Han ruffling his hair and calling him 'kid'– had been on his mind a lot lately, eclipsing even the negative memories and helping to alleviate some of the bitterness he held towards his parents abandoning him.
In the idleness that was the atmosphere, he reached for his datapad as a distraction, opening it up to the list of names that were constantly being updated. Everyone on the Finalizer had to be accounted for, especially as more and more Resistance members and civilians came on board. He scrolled down, wiping at his eyes, knowing the hope he held onto was beyond ridiculous. He wouldn't see Poe or Jess's names on the list. They were gone, the events of Jakku rooted firmly in reality. Not in a nightmare. But at this point, he was having a hard time knowing the difference between the two.
Ren's finger froze on the screen, his eyes beholding a name he wasn't expecting to see:
Korkie Kryze.
Rey's grandfather. Here. On the Finalizer. Counted as a citizen of the galaxy who had come out of hiding to answer Leia's desperate plea for help.
He stared at the screen for a long time, thinking, calculating.
Rey entered the lounge. By then, Ren's tears were spent; mostly from the shock over what he had discovered. As she neared, he turned off the datapad. She stopped in front of him, close enough for him to smell the scent of cleanliness and soap, to see that her hair was damp from showering off the grime that had accrued from fighting.
Guess they both had wanted to wash away the events of the day.
Sensing he didn't want to talk, Rey perched herself onto the small table next to where he was seated, her bloodshot eyes looking around the room before resting back on him. He could sense her worry, could almost see what he looked like through her own vision.
But they all looked like death at this point.
Felt like it to.
Once the silence became too much, Rey's palm went to the side of his neck, thumb stroking his jaw line. "Ben," she whispered, his eyes turning up to her sunken face. "The others are waiting outside, Luke and Leia among them. But I wanted to come in here first, to see how you're doing."
Tell her. Tell her that a piece of her family is aboard the ship. That her grandfather is alive.
But he didn't.
Rey gingerly took the datapad from his hands, causing Ren's heart to skip frantically, as if her touching it would somehow show her what he found. But she just placed it behind her, disregarding it next to her lightsaber.
He swallowed, rounding his jaw. "I'm alive, so that's something I guess."
Rey hesitated. "I – I know now is not the time, but I have to know… Poe and Jess–"
"I don't blame you," he said, finding the words to be genuine and true. "I know I never would have made it."
Rey exhaled and closed her eyes briefly before saying ardently, "What you said, in the hall, about me choosing duty over you… that's not true. But…" Ren rolled his eyes. There always had to be a but. "People's lives were at stake. You can't expect me to sit back and do nothing when I know I could do something. I helped stop the war. And I'm proud of myself for getting those blast doors open, even if I was terrified while doing it. I… I was hoping you'd be proud of me, too."
He could understand where she was coming from, he just didn't think she was telling the whole truth. There was a part of him that suspected her intentions hadn't been entirely altruistic: Rey saw an opportunity to be one of those heroes she used to read about and idolized, and she took the chance to become deified, just like them. Just like his uncle.
While on the bridge, Ren had listened to how Finn's troopers and the Resistance members talked about her. They deemed Rey a savior and a fierce Jedi knight, likening her to those that fought in The Clone Wars. She was a hero to them.
The problem with heroes was that their luck always ran out sooner or later.
"Ben?" she said, nervously.
He glanced down. "You were brave, and I commend you for that. I just… I can't lose you," he confessed, voice slightly cracking. Those pesky tears were trying to come back, stinging his eyes upon their resurrection.
She stroked his cheek, trying to get him to look up at her. "You won't lose me."
Then why did it feel like he would? That it was inevitable?
"Why did you lie to me? About Kayani?" he asked, changing the subject before he became a blubbering mess again. He meant to sound more demanding, but all that came out was something just barely above a whisper.
Her lids popped open as his intent stare finally met hers. She lifted her palm away from his cheek and placed it on her thigh. "I knew how you'd react if you found out about her. But Ben, I don't trust her either. And I swear to you, I know what I'm doing," she promised, eyes beguiling.
He should tell her how much it hurt that she lied to him. He should lecture her on how foolish she was in taking lessons from that woman. That ghost. And he should tell her about her grandfather.
Should.
What a perfect verb to criticize someone's lack of action.
Ren sighed, head turning away from her, relenting. "Okay. It's your life. Do what you want."
"It's our life," Rey corrected.
A pregnant pause filled the room.
Rey swung her leg from the table and plopped herself directly in Ren's lap, taking him by surprise as her hands gently cupped his face and guided him to look at her. "Don't shut me out. I need you, Ben. I… I need to feel close to you," was all she said as she leaned down, nuzzling his hair away with her nose and softly kissing the tender area below his ear, flicking his lobe with her tongue.
She knew how much he liked it when she paid close attention to his large ears. She was cheating.
Ren's body went rigid, emotionally not wanting to be intimate, but his body betrayed him by demanding that he get lost in her. Trembling, a euphoric warmth ignited within his belly, trailing down his limbs. He was already breathless as Rey covered his neck and cheeks with gentle kisses, each with its own spark of heat.
This, what she was doing, was new to him. It's always been his lips that grazed across her skin, always been him that worshiped every peak and valley of her body. He didn't know how to be the recipient of such clear affection.
Rey drew back, taking a moment to study his face.
Ren was blushing, but Rey didn't laugh at the innocent response. In her eyes was love, her features softening with tenderness before her stare glazed over and her desire became evident.
Head tilting to the side, her lips met his, claiming Ren with such a stroke of possessiveness that it left him teetering. But just as he was letting himself be consumed by her, she lifted off of him and stood.
He watched as her fingers dipped into the waistband of her grey capris, slowly dragging them down and down until they were around her ankles. She kicked her boots and pants off to the side, standing there naked from the hips down.
Ren's eyes roamed over her, momentarily speechless. "There are people outside that door," he breathed out, heart hammering against his ribs.
The door panel clicked into lock mode. He gulped as Rey's mouth curled into a sensuous smile from seeing how affected he was by her. With the door sealed, every pretense fell as she resumed her position on top of him, making him tilt his head back to look at her.
One carnal touch and it was over. It was always that way with Ren. Rey was his escape, his release, his addiction.
Something inside him warned this wasn't a good idea, that they still had so many things to smooth over between them before being intimate. But too many switches had been flicked for him to reverse what was happening.
Rey's hand traveled down his stomach, going to his trousers, her fingers fiddling until she had what she wanted. Palming him firmly, he closed his eyes and let out a soft groan. Already his brain was on fire, turning Rey into a god, her fingertips of flame burning him.
As her hand moved up and down, his own fingers found her opening, sliding inside to find her already wet and warm. He massaged her in the way she liked, making her breaths quicken. Then all at once she moved his hand away and he was fully inside her. Their tongues entwined in a kiss, breathing changing as he matched her thrusts, their soft moans timed with their movements.
Ren took off her vest and blouse; he couldn't help himself. He needed her completely naked and under his touch.
Tossing her chest wrap aside, his mouth went to her breasts, taking her beaded nipple into his mouth as her arms wrapped around him to secure him there. He watched her reaction; the way she threw her head back and exhaled as he flicked his tongue; the way he felt her body writhe and move against him.
His hands tightened on her hips, changing the movement so she rocked back and forth, keeping himself inside as his tip brushed against her inner wall. "Do you like that?" she asked, voice low. He let out a moan, unable to articulate a response.
Rey grabbed a fistful of his hair and yanked his head further back, sending them into a deep kiss, every touch having a raw intensity – breathing fast, heart rates faster. "Do you want more?" she huskily asked. He nodded. "Beg for it," Rey demanded, and Ren almost met his release from the tone of her voice alone. Sensing how near he was, Rey slowed, her lips brushing ever so lightly against his. "C'mon, Ben. I want you to beg."
If it's begging she wanted, she was going to have to give him a moment to allow his brain to start working again.
They'd never done this before, where Rey dominated him and possessed his mind to the extent that he forgot how to speak. He was seeing a side of her that he thought only lived in his fantasies, never going as far as to actually ask her to make them real. He never wanted to make her uncomfortable.
But the confidence in her eyes contradicted his assumption.
Rey was full of surprises, yet again. And he wanted her all the more for it – wanted her to demand, to order, and to control him into submission.
"Please," he was able to mutter. In seconds she was moving again, fucking him harder, her fingers fisting handfuls of his hair and stinging his scalp in just the right amount of pain. All gentleness now gone, what remained was firm and rushed and needy. They both came quickly, both trembling against each other as she fell into him, her heavy exhales floating across his neck.
It was hard to hold back, to make a moment such as this last. That's always how it went, so caught in the intoxication of the act that you wanted to keep doing it forever, but also wanting that release. He wanted to extend this moment, refusing to have it end.
His hands flayed upon her back, moving up and down her spine as she nestled deeper into his embrace. Then, without thought, he whispered, "Marry me."
Rey immediately tensed against him, his hands halting on her skin.
What… did he just say?
A knock came at the door.
"Rey," Finn called out from the other side. "Ren? You guys still in there?"
Right. He'd forgotten they had people waiting to come in here.
Rey jumped off of him as if he were on fie. He gave a small groan of complaint at the loss of her warmth. Rey ignored him, too focused on hurrying across the room to find some napkins to clean herself off with. She threw some on his lap as she came back for her clothing, scrambling to get them on.
"Your shirt's on backwards," Ren pointed out, amused as he watched her. She groaned annoyingly before correcting it.
Ren adjusted himself into his trousers, giving Rey the used tissues to throw away.
Were they going to act like he didn't just propose to her? He hadn't given marriage much thought, but as the words escaped his lips, he found that he meant it. Had she ever thought about marrying him? He had no idea. They'd never really discussed the topic. They talked about being with each other for the rest of their lives. Even children came up a few times before Rey asked to never talk about it, too hurt over the fact she could never have any of her own. But marriage? Nope. After all these months, how did they skip over that?
"Rey?" came the trooper's voice again.
"Just a minute," she snapped at the door before eyeing Ren, her fingers quickly combing through his hair to hide the evidence that anything had happened between them.
"Everyone knows we sleep together," he stated as she took a step back to give him a once over.
"That doesn't mean we should to be obvious about it. Stuff like that makes Finn uncomfortable." She licked her palm as she tried to force some of his hair from sticking out. She shook her head. "I shouldn't have gotten so rough with you. Your lips are swollen."
He shrugged, not caring what he looked like in the wake of what they'd just done.
Rey gave up on attempting to wrangle in his curls as she gave him a lingering glance. "We'll talk about the whole marriage thing later." So they weren't going to brush his proposal aside. But what was there to talk about? Why couldn't she give him a simple yes or no right now? Preferably a yes.
... She would say yes, wouldn't she?
Rey went to the door.
Ren stood. "Rey." She stopped, hand hovering above the operating panel as she glanced back at him. "Do you trust me?"
She frowned. "Of course I do."
Tell her about her grandfather, his conscience suddenly demanded.
He ignored it.
Ren nodded and walked to the other side of the lounge, standing in front of the powered down holoscreen that hung from the wall. Nerves now rattling, he prepared himself for how the impending conversations were going to go. But he'd come too far not to follow his vision through. He was the ruler of the galaxy, the Supreme Leader of the First Order. Nothing would stand in his way as he paved the way toward perfection.
Wherever Snoke was hiding, Ren hoped he died and rotted there. But Snoke's silence made him uneasy, like his former master knew something he didn't. Why had Ren been so affected by Snoke's storm of rage after the observatory was destroyed, but now, sensed nothing?
A presence came to his side. "I want to request permission to go to Arkanis to shut down the stormtrooper program. Permanently," Finn said, voice even. "I've talked it over with Bre. She'll stay here and fill my responsibilities while I'm gone. It shouldn't be for too long." He paused for a moment. "And appointing her to Admiral of the Naval Fleet was a good choice. The woman has grit, but is remarkably intelligent."
"And loyal to you," Ren pointed out.
"If she's loyal to me, then she'll be loyal to you."
"I trust that's true... General."
Finn twitched at the use of his title, still not used to being addressed by his new military rank.
Truth be told, Ren had been nervous to appoint Finn as the general of the First Order. But very few others had decent experience and the maturity to fill such a position. And Finn was the only one Ren could completely trust in such a role. He just hoped the man didn't crumble under the pressure of being propelled into leadership.
Facing Finn, he appeared to be all composure and confidence. Except the eyes; those were blood shot and puffy. "Sounds like you have everything figured out," Ren said, recognizing that the training program did need to be dealt with and quickly. He was surprised he hadn't thought of that.
He probably shouldn't be letting the newly appointed general leave, but Finn needed this. He needed to be the one to shut the place down. Ren could understand that. "Go, but bring part of the fleet with you."
Finn's brows furrowed. "You expect there to be a fight?"
"Maybe. Snoke's assets are quickly dwindling. He might want to keep what little he has left. Or he might want to burn it all to the ground so no one else can use it. Hard to tell."
"You think he would destroy all of it?"
Ren shrugged. "It's what I would do if I had lost."
His anxiety grew, but he pushed it down. For now, this was Finn's problem to deal with. Unless the man requested his help specifically, Ren would keep his focus on the galaxy as a whole.
"Finn," Ren added in a more hushed tone. He chewed at the inside of his lip before being able to say, "I… I couldn't get to them–"
Finn cut him off. "It's not your fault." The guy squeezed Ren's shoulder, eyes glossing over. It was the closest thing to an embrace the men have ever given one another.
They glanced away, both uncomfortable with sharing such a moment between them, but neither shying away from it completely.
Finn lowered his arm back to his side.
"Have you been to the med bay yet?" Ren inquired. "For your leg?"
Finn rubbed his lips together before saying, "The damage is permanent now." There was pain in his face he was trying to hide, but Ren could see it was there.
Ren ground his teeth, feeling guilt for this man's plight, but there was nothing he could do. He couldn't take back what he'd done.
He was expecting Finn to stare at him with disdain, to blame him for this disability and remind him of Starkiller base. But he didn't. Finn held himself professionally, a look of resolve entering his eyes, not hate.
They discussed a few more logistical matters that involved imprisoning the members left of the Shadow Council and whether or not to execute those who refused to conform to the new regime. Ren leaned more on a firing squad; Finn was more hesitant.
Ren settled on making a final decision when Finn returned, actually wanting to have more of his council on the matter.
As Finn left, Ren turned to see those sitting in the chairs: his mother, Skywalker, Rey, and for some reason Ransolm Casterfo. They'd all been making small talk, waiting for his and Finn's conversation to conclude.
Now, Ren found himself with the attention of the whole room.
His mother was the first to speak, her breathing shallow as she fought against her obvious fatigue. "I have to admit, I never thought of a scenario like this actually happening. But it could work in our favor." She nodded to her son. "Ben can dissolve the First Order and reinstate the New Republic–"
"I have no intention of reinstating the New Republic," he cut her off quickly.
There was a second of silence, his mother blinking rapidly. "But the First Order–"
"Will be reorganized and given a new name, but my position will remain."
Leia's face reddened, mouth pursed. "A position where you keep all the power and do to the galaxy whatever you want. Terrorize it, even."
"I'm sure that's not his intention," Rey interjected nervously, trying to act as a mediator. "It's not like the New Republic was this perfect government before. Maybe something else will be just as good."
"You want to leave the galaxy under a dictatorship?" Leia questioned Rey before addressing her son. "Rob the people of their liberty?"
Rey licked her lips, took a breath. "That's not–"
"I'm not robbing them of anything," Ren argued, not wanting Rey to fight with his mother on his behalf. But it did feel good to see her support him. "If anything, I'm offering them sovereignty through the ways in which I'll govern."
"You mean rule."
"I am taking control where control is needed," he articulated slowly through gritted teeth, his frustration rising.
Leia's stare narrowed. "And how long have you been planning this takeover?"
"You think I somehow knew the First Order was going to bring the entirety of their military to Jakku and that you would foolishly come here to face them, giving me an opportunity to take the throne?"
"Cut the shit, Ben." And there she was. The mother he remembered. "You saw an opportunity for power and you took it."
"And if I didn't, your whole Resistance would be dead. I spared their lives. Would it kill you to show me just an ounce of gratitude?" Ren and Leia held eye contact, but no words of appreciation left her lips. If there was one thing these two had in common, it was their immovable stubbornness.
Skywalker shifted in his chair, inquiring about a different subject. "How are the Jedi supposed to operate under this 'new' organization?"
"It won't, because there will be no reestablishing the Jedi Order. You'll be the last of their religion."
Out of all of his talking points, this part worried Ben the most. He knew what Rey desired, and he braced himself for her reaction.
Rey started off with confusion, eyebrows squishing together. "But… my plan was to rebuild the Order into something new."
"And when were you going to tell me this, exactly? Were you going to go behind my back and do this on your own?"
"No. Of course not." She glanced around as if looking for answers. "I – I was going to tell you eventually. Luke and I were planning everything out, and were going to do this together. And… I thought you'd help," her voice trailed off, unsure.
Ren's head flinched back slightly. "Help?"
Rey's posture tensed and nostrils flared as her mind caught up with the situation. "Rebuilding what you destroyed would be a good start at making amends. You murdered your own peers, Ben. There deaths shouldn't be meaningless."
That was a low blow. Even by his standards.
He ran a hand through his hair, inhaling deeply. "Nothing good happens when Force users branch off to start their own factions and practice their own set of interpreted beliefs. All usage of the Force will be illegal."
"Do you hear yourself right now?" Rey gaped. "Ben, you use the Force, and we all know you'd never stop. Do you see how hypocritical that is?" She looked to Luke as if he would help in her argument, but the man remained thoughtfully silent. Leia was looking down at her lap, deep in a frown. "And what about Master Skywalker and I?"
"I would ask that neither of you practice openly."
She scoffed. "You would ask…. And if we don't, what becomes of us? Prison? Execution?" Ren just looked at her as she shook her head. "You don't even know what you would do, do you?" She eyed him up and down, giving him that look as if he were a stranger. "Who are you?"
Her comment stung deep. More than he cared to admit. "I'm the same person I've always been."
"No, I've never seen this side of you."
"You've never cared to."
"So me being blindsided is my fault?"
His hands curled into fists. "You and I have discussed many things, but politics was never one of them. You've never really asked me where I stand on such matters."
"Communication works both ways and you know it," she vehemently debated, going to her feet. "You never suggested you wanted to talk about those things, never brought them up on your own. You were content with just living your life with me and... what? Now your suddenly not?"
"I never said that."
"It's inferred by what you're doing." She spun around and stormed out of the room. Everyone was looking at him now. He should've felt embarrassed with how they just witnessed him and Rey argue, but he was too riled up to care.
Close on her heels, he followed her into the meeting room. "What are you going to do?" he called after her.
"I'm a Jedi, Ben," she said over her shoulder as she went for the exit. "I'm not going to stop being a Jedi. So looks like you'll have to arrest me or strike me down with your lightsaber."
In the hallway, he grabbed her arm and whirled her around. She actually looked surprised by his physicality. "Where are you going?"
She tugged her arm. His grip tightened. "I'm going with Finn to Arkanis. He'll need help."
"He has Caliiya."
"He needs reliable help."
She tried to get out of his hold as he suddenly pulled her into a nearby communications room. He was being rough with her, he knew, but she was being combative by trying to dig her heels in. She rounded on him as he let her go, eyes savagely defensive.
The room was dimly lit and filled with crewmen, all of them falling silent upon his sudden entrance. He barked out an order for all the droids and personnel to leave.
Rey positioned herself behind one of the tactical tables, putting an obstacle between them. They held each other's fiery stares, Rey speaking once they were alone. "Touch me like that again, and I don't care how offended you get, I will use the Force on you."
He ran a hand through his hair, breathing deeply. But he didn't apologize.
Rey huffed. "You really won't bring back the Republic–"
"The New Republic murdered your parents," Ren interrupted tactlessly. "Don't stand there and pretend like you care so deeply about that incompetent sithspit of an organization. And you're only griping about the Republic because your defensive about me not allowing the Jedi Order to return."
Ren immediately regretted bringing up her parents, especially seeing how her face fell and paled. But he couldn't bring himself to take it back. That look in her eye, the one where she gazed at him like she didn't know him, made him angry. It always did.
Rey crossed her arms. "What are you doing, Ben?"
His jaw shifted from side to side, his palms flattening on the table as he leaned forward, strands of hair falling in his eyes. "I am doing what needs to be done. How do you think peace even comes about? It's by everyone living and accepting the same set of rules, and getting rid of those who won't abide by them. Why can't any of you see that?"
"I do see that. If you recall, I was the only one standing up for you back there."
He swallowed. "And I thank you for–"
"But maybe your family was right in questioning you. Because now, all I see is a man finally getting what he's wanted his whole life. You try to hide it by saying your intentions are virtuous, but I'm not entirely sure they are."
His eyes slightly narrowed. "My beliefs have never changed."
"But… you've fought with the Resistance. You joined them–"
He slapped the table so sharply, Rey actually jumped. Ren took in a few deep breaths, voice full of gravel. "I don't care about the Resistance. Never have."
"Then why did you stay?"
He swept his hand out to her. "For you. I stayed to make sure you and Leia lived. I stayed knowing that while the Resistance's days were numbered, I could be there to get you two out when it all went to shit. I gave my input to them, offered my opinion on strategy, but Rey, the Resistance was never going to win."
Her face went slack, mouth falling open. "That's really what you've believed? All along?"
"And I was right!" he yelled, frustration tearing at the filaments holding him back from all out anger. "Did you and I just witness a different battle out there? The Resistance lost. The only way there were even any survivors was because I allowed it."
"You allowed it…." She scowled. "Do you hear what you sound like?"
"What, reasonable?" he contested. Rey lowered her head, lips pressed tightly together. Then something occurred to Ren, something that gave him a chill, a coldness that clawed all the way to the bone. "Do you really not know me?" he muttered. "Or have you only ever seen what you so desperately wanted me to be?"
Her eyes snapped back up to his, voice venomous. "I could turn that question back at you. You've known I wanted to be a Jedi. Where did you think that was leading to? For me and Luke to be the last of their kind?"
It was strange to realize the person you've told everything to, who you bore your whole heart out to, might have no idea who you really are. What the hell had they been doing this whole time? The late night talks, the intimacy, the feeling of understanding that had flowed between them…. What good was this bond if they were still at odds?
Ren straightened to his full height, looking down at her. "I'll never let you bring back the Jedi Order."
"I don't need your permission."
"Actually, you do. I'm the Supreme Leader of the First Order. Every decision that pertains to the galaxy has to go through me."
Rey held his hard stare before she exhaled, her shoulders relaxing, like she was caving in on herself.
Ren calmed somewhat, running his hands through his hair. "I don't want to be fighting with you, Rey," he said patiently, trying to make her see. "My whole life has been leading up to this, to rule and lead and reshape the galaxy into something better than what came before. To succeed where my grandfather failed. It's always been my destiny."
She looked up and muttered, "I thought we were each others destinies."
He blinked. "You can't be naïve enough to think that that's where our paths would end. That it would be that..." He stopped himself from saying, "simple."
Rey had no trouble grasping what he was going to say. "Don't patronize me, Ben. I'm not stupid. I know there's more to it than just the feelings we have for one another." She fell silent, her lips pressing into a line before whispering. "Were you even serious when you asked me to marry you?"
"Yes," he said without hesitation. "I want you to rule by my side. We could do this, together. Aren't there things about the galaxy you'd want to change or improve?"
Tears filled her eyes. She wiped them away impatiently. "You once told me that you would be content with just being with me, living our lives on some obscure planet and starting over. Just the two of us. Were you lying?"
"No," he answered softly, wanting to go to her, to touch and to comfort her. But he wasn't sure if she wanted that. "But this, right here, is where life has brought us. We can't turn our backs on this opportunity."
She shook her head. "This isn't what's meant for you, Ben. I can feel it. You wanted power, but it isn't right."
"And what's so wrong with wanting it? Do you realize that I not only secured the safety of our future, but that this position could give you a life of comfort? Of privilege?"
"I don't give a damn about any of those things." Her voice was started to rise again. "I grew up as a scavenger, and while I starved and mended my own injuries, the only thing I wanted above anything else was to not be alone. I don't care about money. I don't care about possessions or status or power. I only want to be with you."
"Then be with me," he pleaded, rounding the table and finally going to her. "Marry me. Stop viewing every choice as black and white and accept what I'm giving you."
With trepidation, his hands rested on her shoulders. She didn't shy away from him, but she did hesitate in answering. "I... I don't know."
He inched closer to her, heart hammering. "I need your support more than anyone else in this. I can't do this without you. Rey, I would never hurt you or have you arrested or punished. I wouldn't do that."
"Ben," she muttered, palms going to his chest. "I can't follow these rules. I won't. And I can't believe I'm saying this, because I thought it was already settled… but you need to think hard about how you want your life to go. And who you want in it."
She freed herself from his arms and left. He stood there for a while, not knowing what to think. He'd started off the day believing he had everything. Now, that belief was being questioned. He was sure Rey would never leave him. She wouldn't do that to him. She needed him as much as he needed her. Their connection tied them to each other.
But then Ben recalled the words Rey had spoken the day after the events on Ahch-To, when they were aboard his ship, arguing.
"The Force bond between us can be damned, cause I'm not going to be tied to a monster." She had threatened to leave over how he'd been acting.
... Maybe... maybe she actually had the strength to do it.
His fear and frustration rose to a dangerous level. He took it out on the nearest comm station, hacking at it till it was nothing but wiring and scrap metal.
He'd been expecting to find the officer's lounge empty upon his return, but the only person who had left was Skywalker. Leia and Casterfo were still sitting across from each other, waiting for him.
He crossed the room to the small kitchenette, needing to quench his dry throat. "I can sense your disappointment." He filled a glass. "Come out and say what you want, mother."
Leia cleared her throat. "Out of the trillions upon trillions of people in this galaxy, there is only one person who could truly bring you to ruin… and that is yourself."
Not exactly what he'd been expecting, but not too far off from the undertone of displeasure.
A sardonic chuckle left his nose as he rolled his eyes. "How philosophical of you. You should've been a Jedi," he sneered before downing the water and smacking the glass back on the counter.
"Those holovids the First Order leaked out of you..." Leia trailed off, not able to describe them. But she didn't need to. Ben had lived them. "I'm sorry your life led you to do those things."
Ren really wasn't in the mood to discuss those vids. So he turned around, pegging Leia with a serious gaze. "Your days of creating rebellions are over."
She nodded slowly, all sense of her past anger now gone. "True," she agreed. Ren narrowed his eyes, wondering if this newly reserved persona of hers was somehow part of a plan to manipulate him. "I'm too old and too tired. And I meant what I said when I once told you I'd prove to you that I could be a mother."
What was happening? What was she trying to do?
"You… aren't going to leave?" he questioned her.
"No. I did enough of that when you were younger."
His heart raced, not wanting to believe… "But, aren't you worried what others might think of you?"
She waved her hand through the air. "I don't worry about the opinions of sheep. I only care about my family right now. About you."
"You'll stay, but you don't believe in what I'm doing…."
She smiled thinly as she lifted herself out of the chair. "Quite a conundrum, I know. But when has our family been anything but complicated?"
Ren really didn't know what to make of this… this… person standing in front of him. Where was Leia's anger? Where was the woman who did nothing but scold him his whole life and was content with leaving him behind?
She walked up to him, stopping so close he could count the wrinkles on her face. He didn't move, just stared down on her petite frame, not knowing how to react to all these contradictions. "Tell me Ben; are you opposed to bringing back the Republic because you truly believe that form of government to be ineffectual, or because the Senate demanded so much of my time that I ended up neglecting you for politics?"
His lips trembled. "Both," he admitted softly.
Leia cupped his cheek, caressing her thumb over rough skin. "As long as fate allows, I won't leave you behind again, no matter what. But I will call you out when you're being spiteful. It's a trait that isn't becoming of a leader." She patted his cheek and left the room.
He was numb and frozen for a long moment, the conversations he had with Rey and Leia intermingling and fighting for dominance of his attention.
There was movement from his periphery. In the corner sat Ransolm Casterfo, a silent witness to everything that had transpired. The man had his elbow resting on the arm of the chair, chin upon his fist. Staring.
"Don't you have somewhere to be?" Ren almost snarled.
"Actually, no. Because technically I'm still a wanted man."
"You're fully pardoned for your crimes. Now get out." Even though this room was technically a public place, Ren wasn't about to show weakness by leaving first.
Casterfo went to his feet graciously, feigning a smile and bowing. Mockingly. "How gracious of you, Your Highness." He regarded Ren longer than what was comfortable. "I know you and I don't get along, but we do share similar views in how the galaxy should be run."
Ren arched a brow. "Do we?"
Casterfo ran a hand through his hair, much like how Ren would do. "I do agree that there needs to be a prominent ruler, someone to make decisions if a senate can't come to a compromise." Ren rolled his eyes so hard, he expected to see his brain. "That was the problem with the New Republic. There was no one mediating."
"That wasn't the only problem."
"True. But if you want some advice–"
"I don't."
"–you should find out what the people want. Maybe even have them vote on it. And then step down."
Ren hardened his stare. "You think I can't do this?"
Casterfo inhaled, searching for the proper wording. "I think you're going to find out pretty quickly that ruling is not what it's cracked up to be. It's all about micromanaging and politicking, and you aren't the type of person who's content with staying behind a desk." Ransolm turned to leave, but stopped before fully walking through the corridor, glancing over his shoulder. "Oh, and you might want to fix your hair. It's still quite a mess, but at least your lips aren't swollen anymore."
Casterfo gave him a knowing grin, then exited out into the meeting room, leaving Ren to fume alone.
()()()()()
They all knew something was wrong when the scans of the academy came back with minimal life levels. They approached the buildings cautiously on foot, the squadron being dropped off at a clearing half a mile away. The training facility stretched over acres of land, its white, sleek exterior surrounded by an ancient forest of thick trees with old roots.
They came upon bodies before even making it to the front entrance, a mixture of fully clad stormtroopers and younger cadets dressed in their grey uniforms. One of them didn't look older than thirteen.
From there, everything was hazy. Nearly all of the students were dead. You couldn't walk more than ten feet before coming upon another body, and Rey refused to search the part of the academy that housed the children under the age of four.
The only piece of optimism that shined through that day was when Rey found Harter locked in a med bay storage closet, blaster rifle at the ready as she stood firmly between the entrance and the thirty kids she was protecting. The two women embraced, clinging to each other.
Shortly after her capture, Harter had been shipped to the training facility after a stormtrooper with silver plated armor decided her knowledge was too important to be wasted on an execution. She was forced to work at the medical center, her demeanor combative in the beginning as she started to plan her escape. But after seeing and interacting with the children, Harter couldn't bring herself to leave. She became a surrogate mother to them, secretly listening to their cries and confessions of wanting a different life.
Among those children was Statura's daughter, Leela. Her mother had been executed after Hux found out about Statura's betrayal, while his daughter was to become a soldier for the very organization who took her parents away.
Harter caught wind of the impending siege only minutes before it began, gathering as many children as she could, including Leela.
The discovery of Harter and the children had lifted everyone's spirits and gave them hope. But it didn't last. They didn't find any other survivors.
Rey had set out sometime around dusk. The sun was beginning to drop down beneath the top of the pines, light streaking through the boughs and showing the blue sky in a puzzle of fragments. How could such a heinous act of violence happen in such a beautiful place?
If she had stayed and helped the others, she was sure her anger would end up killing her. It was excruciating to watch as the rooms and halls were cleared of the dead. Something in her finally broke when she saw Harter carrying a lump in her arms, wrapped reverently in a blanket. It was no bigger than a sack of fern potatoes.
Rey was alone as she ventured into the forest, the rage coming at her in waves. Losing control, she leveled a wide radius of trees, the sudden blast of strength helping to weaken her only slightly. She continued to get riled up for a while, needing to walk around while shaking the adrenaline out of her arms, breathing in the mustiness of moss in the air. Then it would dissipate and she would sit on a pile of dead pine needles, not feeling anything at all.
She eventually curled up on her side, her body tethered to the earth as strong as a tree's roots, deep and binding, searching for nutrients like she was searching for comfort. Eyes shut, body still, she concentrated on the light breeze rolling over her body, caressing her skin and hair. The temperature dropped steadily as it darkened, beady eyes glimmering from the hollow spaces of fallen trunks.
She imagined Ben's touch, that he was holding her–
Rey snapped her eyes open to see Ben opposite her, his head on a pillow, a black blanket hanging low on his hip, exposing his bare, pale upper body. They both blinked at each other in surprise, momentarily stunned by the moment.
Ben reached out, stroking her cheek, the feel of his wide palm a very welcoming sensation. "How are you doing this?" he awed in amazement.
"I was gonna ask you the same thing."
He scooted closer, his hand sliding down her neck, roaming over her arm. "It must be something along the lines of particle transportation. I can feel you, but I'm still in my room."
"I'm still on Arkanis," Rey added to his observations. "But it's as if your laying on the ground beside me."
"Are you outside?" She nodded. "It smells like it."
Then they both went quiet. They stayed like that for a long stretch of time, both thinking about their previous conversation, trying to prolong bringing it up.
"How's Harter?" he asked as the branches above rustled from the wind, pine cones plopping to the forest floor.
"Physically, she's fine." Emotionally, they were all struggling. She'll need to go check on Finn soon.
Ben pulled her the rest of the way to him, draping the blanket over her while positioning her head atop his bicep. She snuggled closer, burying her face in his chest, finding that he was wearing loose pants. They never wore clothes while in bed together, both craving that contact you could only experience with skin to skin. But since she hadn't been with him, he must've decided to somewhat cover up.
The fabric of his bottoms brushed against her capris as he intertwined his leg with hers, his fingers idly grazing her hair. It was nice, having him hold her like this.
His lips pressed against the top of her head. "How are you doing?" She didn't know how to answer that. "Finn told me what happened there. I'm–"
"I don't want to talk about it," she cut him off, closing her eyes.
"Okay." He played with her hair some more before finally saying, "Rey, I don't like what's going on between us."
She tensed, nervous about where this was headed. "Neither do I."
"So how do we fix it?"
"I don't know."
Ben paused, voice filling with tenderness. "I'm sorry for how I treated you before you left. I don't want you to think this relationship isn't important to me, because I love you more than anything else in my life. And there's no excuse for using your parents against you in an argument. Or how roughly I handled you."
Rey added some edge to her tone. "Don't ever touch me like that again."
"I won't," Ben promised. "I regret what I did, and I'm so sorry," he repeated.
A part of her wanted to hold onto how much he hurt her and hang it over him as a method of punishment. But she let it go. This apology didn't fix everything, but it was a beginning. And Rey really didn't want to fight with Ben. "Thank you... for apologizing. I thought your pride would hold you back from doing so."
"Me? Prideful?" he said innocently. Playfully. It made her smile. Gave her hope.
She didn't realize that she had started drifting off to sleep until Ben gently nudged her. "Rey?"
"Hmmm..."
"Marry me."
That jolted her fully awake better than any cold glass of water to the face. She'd been so mad at Poe the one time he did that to her back on Carlac; mostly over the fact that he wasted water. Stars, the memory of him stung.
Rey swallowed. "That's the third time you've asked me that."
"And you still haven't given me a clear answer."
Truth was, Rey wanted to say yes, but she couldn't get herself to actually say it. She placed her palm against his chiseled pec, thumb moving across smooth skin. Must his body be so perfect? "I didn't know marriage was this important to you."
"It wasn't, till recently."
Pushing herself back a bit, she looked up at him. "Why?"
Ben moved his head closer to hers, glancing at her lips. It always amazed Rey that such dark eyes could hold so much affection. "I guess the whole idea of it appeals to me. You being my wife, having that bond of marriage."
His hand worked its way down her body, feeling each crevasse, each line along her physique. Her mouth went dry. "We already have a bond through the Force," she said, barely above a whisper.
The corner of his mouth curled up. "So why not add a lawful one as well?" Ben leaned in, his forehead resting against hers. She closed her eyes, exhilarated from the tension forming between them.
His warm lips met hers. It was chaste and simple, reminding her of the very first time they had kissed on Spira. Ben slightly pulled away, their breaths shaky and shallow as he tried to gauge Rey's reaction. She didn't deny him.
Ben took Rey's head in his hands and tugged her into a smoldering kiss, pressing her back into the ground. She was expecting pine needles to prick her through her clothes, but all she felt was the softness of a welcoming bed. It was perplexing, this bond. But she'd figure it out some other time. Right now, she wanted an escape.
Her legs reflexively opened, inviting Ben to conform and cover her body with his. The world fell away as Ben appreciated her, his touch comforting in ways words would never be. He nuzzled her neck with kisses as she arched up against them, making him moan and whisper her name. Her hands traveled down his back, digging into his rear and pushing him into her. Ben obliged her with more dry thrusts, exhaling sharply as their bodies met.
"Say yes, Rey," he whispered next to her ear, his breath tickling her skin. "Please."
But she just... she couldn't.
Her eyes popped open, her hands going to his chest. "Stop," she ordered softly. Ben froze and rolled off of her as she gently pushed him away. She sat upright, her breathing heavy and her mind still swirling. But through the fog she realized that they needed to stop jumping to intimacy in an effort to avoid talking. And if Ben was going to keep adamantly bringing up marriage, then they definitely needed to talk.
Ben sat next to her, draping the blanket over them both before going still, staring straight ahead out into the forest. "You're hesitant to marry me," he stated more than questioned. It tore at her that he sounded so hurt.
"There's still much we haven't figured out. You wanting to be Supreme Leader, me wanting to re-establish the Jedi Order–"
His hand found her thigh beneath the cover, his grip squeezing ardently as he faced her. "I love you. All of this means nothing to me without you."
"And yet you won't give it up."
His eyes started to appear wet. "Think of all the good we could do if you just stop resisting," he pleaded, his stare too passionate to hold.
Rey glanced away.
Resisting. That word stuck out to her. But what exactly was she resisting?
The life Ben now had. It was not the life she had envisioned for the two of them. Sharing a throne was something she didn't want. Even now that it was within her grasp, it didn't tempt her in the slightest. Too many people had tried to rule over her on Jakku. She couldn't bring herself to do that to others.
Instead, a far simpler existence pulled at her desires. Her and Ben living modestly, away from all the politics, focusing on the rebuild of the once dwindling Jedi. Through such action, Ben could find repentance for destroying Luke's attempt at resurrecting the lost religion. Maybe even find solace in teaching a younger generation of how to balance both light and dark within themselves.
There would be no battles.
There would be no conflict.
That was what Rey wanted – this vision of a future she once thought to be attainable.
Her brows distinctly creased as a thought darted across her mind: were her desires just as selfish as Ben's? Were her expectations of him also unreasonable?
They both held the other to a different standard, both unwilling to bend to the other's ambition.
The only difference was that her idea of their pending destinies was shaped around peace, while his would always be paved with contention. Someone would always try to undermine him, planets would revolt against his regime, and assassination attempts would be made. It was all founded on violence, and ended with more violence. It wasn't good for Ben. It would ruin him. Eventually.
He wouldn't come with her, but she couldn't stay. So where's the resolution?
Ben brought a finger below her chin, angling her attention back to him. "We could figure something out when it comes to the Jedi. Maybe find a compromise," he added, a hint of desperation in his voice.
Rey's eyes pinched. "Are you saying that because you genuinely want to find a middle ground, or are you afraid of losing me over this?"
Ben remained wooden, unmovable. Afraid to answer the question. But while Rey was sure of the answer, a sudden tightening of her chest pulled at her focus, warning that Ben was keeping something from her.
More secrets.
"What are you hiding from me?" Rey demanded, noticing how Ben shifted with discomfort. "I can sense your unease."
His lips pressed together as he swallowed, unable to look at her. "Before you left... I withheld telling you something. And looking back on it, it shames me to have done so. But I was just so frustrated with you…."
"Ben?" she urged him to continue, fear blossoming from her gut and into her chest.
He took a deep breath and met her gaze. "Your grandfather, Korkie Kryze, was on the Finalizer. He fought with the Resistance during the battle."
Rey stared at him as she became disoriented. "You knew he was there… before I left?"
"Yes."
She jumped to her feet and Ben did the same, the blanket falling to the ground and disappearing. "Go find him! I'll come back right now and–"
He grabbed her arm, hindering her from running back to the academy. "He left," Ben interjected. "I went to find him, but he was already gone. I contacted Soniee to see if she'd heard anything from him, but she hasn't. She didn't even know he was here."
Just as her hopes had soared, they came crashing back down, obliterating upon impact. Ben reluctantly let her go as she slowly backed away from him, her eyes going round. "He's gone?" she asked, voice cracking.
He gave her a curt nod as he shifted his weight between his legs.
"So… you didn't tell me that my grandfather was on the same exact ship as me… out of spite?" Her voice shook, eyes stinging with moisture. Ben pawed a hand through his hair, biting his lip. "How could you do that to me?"
"I– I know it was wrong of me–"
"I might never have the opportunity to find him again."
He tried going to her, but she kept the distance between them. "We'll find him, Rey. I swear–"
"I don't want your help," she seethed, lips trembling. "I hate you."
Ben flinched, paled, mouth falling open. Rey couldn't look at him be so heartbroken, not when this whole situation was his fault to begin with.
He reached out to her, desperate as she started to shut him out. "No, Rey, don't close–"
He was gone.
Frogs croaked, filling the silence that was left behind. Rey was still, looking at the spot Ben once stood. She went to her knees, letting the tears roll silently onto her chapped lips, salty and cold. She covered her face with her palms, crying silently.
Rey's insides curdled like milk coming in contact with lemon. Ben's betrayal was an acid to what had the potential to be a heavenly relationship, one filled with equality and understanding. It had been like that, for a time, when the war had quieted during those couple of months. But now everything was falling apart at a rate too quickly for Rey to hold onto.
How could he do this to me, she questioned again. Back on Dandoran, he had aided her and Soniee in the search for Korkie. He saw how important finding him was to her. And still, he disregarded her feelings. Was this the price of the dark side? Did it poison his love for her, manipulating him into thinking it was okay to treat her this way?
That had to be it.
Ben had so much good in him, but it was masked with selfishness. There had to be a way to get rid of it.
But what was the root of Ben's darkness?
Snoke.
That creature had warped Ben's mind from a young age, whispering how he was meant for a greater purpose, that power was within his birthright. And to get there, he needed to sacrifice anything and anyone to obtain.
Twigs snapped and the pine needles crunched. She lifted her head to see BB-8 rolling up to her, the red beady light of its eye slicing through the dark, his beeps echoing through the tepid air.
Rey reached out, touching the domed head. "What good am I if I can't save him?"
BB-8 was quiet, the question probably too organic for his mechanized mind to process.
An idea popped in her head. She dismissed it at first, deeming it too dangerous. But as she began fine tuning it, she started to believe that it could possibly work. There was just one thing she had to do first.
"Kayani," she breathed out, he breath a cloud without a sky. She wiped the remnants of the tears from her cheeks.
"Much has happened since last we conversed."
"It has," was all Rey said. She wasn't about to confide her feelings to this woman. "I need your help."
"In need of a lesson? I was wanting to start teaching you about self projecting–"
"I don't want another lesson." Rey swallowed, preparing her pitch. "I want to find your brother."
Silence.
Rey frowned, eye's darting from one mossy tree to another. "Did you hear me? I said–"
"I heard you. And the answer is no."
Rey had not been expecting that. "No? You've been the biggest proponent of killing Snoke, and you tell me no?"
"You are not ready. It would be foolish to face him alone."
BB-8 beeped, wondering who she was talking to, but she ignored it. "I don't plan on doing it alone," she explained, trying not to sound irritated. "I want to find where he's hiding, make sure he's there, and then have Ben bring in some canons to decimate the place. You can view what I'm doing as reconnaissance work."
"Would Ben view it that way?"
"Well... I'm not going to tell Ben about it till after I've found him."
"His trust in you is already thin. You really want to see if your relationship with him is strong enough to withstand another attempt at deception?"
The muscles along her jawline tightened. "I'll worry about Ben. You just tell me how to find your brother."
"Your plan will not work."
Rey gave a nearby tree a flat stare. "Are you saying Snoke can survive a bombardment from an orbital autocannon?"
"No, but he is very perceptive and intuitive. He'll probably sense such a large scale attack before it actually happens."
"But there's a possibility he won't," Rey countered. "So what's the harm in trying? The worst that can happen is he escapes and goes to hide somewhere else."
"You don't believe in Ben's plan of just waiting for him to die on his own?"
"Do you?"
"No."
"Which is why I say we try to take him out before he comes for us. After the weapon on Jakku was destroyed and with Ben taking the throne, I imagine Snoke is already plotting on how to get the First Order back."
Kayani was quiet, which indicated to Rey that she was making some serious headway with her argument. "And if this works," she added, "I won't need to get close to Snoke in order for you to take him out. Less danger, better survival."
Rey could almost feel the wheels turning in Kayani's incorporeal head. "If I help you, you must do as I say."
"Deal. Now how do we find him?"
"Sit." Rey plopped her rear to the ground. "Meditate." She crossed her legs and rested her hands on her knees, closing her eyes. "Feel for the bond you have with Ben."
"His side is closed off." Which surprised Rey, since they just saw each other through it. But she vaguely sensed his anger, all of it turned inward at himself. No wonder the barrier was wound so tightly shut. "There's no way I can get through."
"Both of you have only ever tried to force yourselves into the others mind. It's the fastest method, but the easiest to block because you can sense the attempt. Connect to the light side of the Force. Calm your emotions, find peace in the solitude it gives you."
Rey looked inward, searching for that light that connected her to every living thing. She allowed herself to sink into it, relaxing in its warmth and truth. As if an invisible dome had formed around her, everything went absolutely still. No air stirred the pine needles or trees. No insects drifted around her. No frogs croaked or birds chirped. Even her own breath seemed to fade away as soon as it left her throat. It was tranquility, nestling her in the confines of its open arms.
"Carefully coax yourself through his defenses, prove to his mind that you are a friend, not a foe."
"He'll sense me," Rey contended.
"As long as you mask you force signature and your emotions are controlled, all he will feel is an overwhelming feeling of comfort. He will not know it is from you."
She did as Kayani instructed, almost caressing the barrier as if it were an animal in need of companionship. So much rage and regret pulsed off it, and Rey could feel just how much he hated himself for lying to her.
Nothing happened for the longest time, and just as she was about to give up, the strangest thing happened: the wall of energy responded to her, vibrating, the reaction similar to that of a feline purr.
It allowed her entry.
In the past, there had been many moments where Rey had connected to Ben's mind through the bond, but what she was doing now went beyond that. She wasn't just sinking into his psyche, but melding with his life force. The feelings this place held were conceptualized in color and sound, the progression of it seeming unstoppable.
There was a time when light had bathed the majority of Ben's mind, its power touching every part of him at one time or another. It had been boundless, an endless energy that traveled even into the smallest regions of his soul. Even after all these years, Ben's own essence remembered what that had felt like. Before the darkness took over.
Now, the contrast was noticeable.
An oily substance mixed in with the light, corrupting it, seeping out from the dark corners and crevices where it was the most dense.
"What is that?" Rey asked, even though she already knew.
"The connection to my brother. It influences him without him knowing it."
Anger had taken its stranglehold, squeezing and snuffing out the vibrant hues. "And if it were gone, would Ben still be so attached to the dark side?"
"There's no guarantee it would dissipate. It's possible, but I do not know how it would change him if it were to be gone." But either way, Rey was sure Ben would feel better not having to constantly hide himself from his former master. "Reach out to it," Kayani instructed, "but don't let it pull you in. You won't need to go far to sense where Snoke is."
Rey neared it, but hesitated, her light rebelling against getting any closer. She second guessed her plan and herself. "Maybe... maybe we should have Ben do this. He could get the location–"
"No," Kayani argued. "This is his connection to my brother. If he were to do this, to get near it, Snoke would claim his mind quickly. That is why Ben stays away from it. Even I cannot get too close, lest Snoke might sense me. But you are just a bystander. A visitor. Someone Snoke has never met. It should not affect you the same way it would Ben. You have no tether to my twin."
Rey knew this was probably all a guessing game on Kayani's part, that it was all based on theories. But she didn't want to put Ben in a dangerous situation, even if it was hypothetical. Besides, if she found Snoke's whereabouts and got her plan in motion, potentially succeeding in the end, this darkness would cease poisoning Ben's mind. Maybe he would then see his position of power as something he no longer desired.
She steeled herself as she continued on.
Rey had always thought of the light as something bold, gleaming into the darkness without fear. But this was a blackness so inky and thick that it pressed against her like it held all the weight of the oceans of Spira. The rich colors of Ben's intrinsic mind now seemed no more than a vivid dream. She pushed just a little further, trying to get past Ben's own well of rage to find it's source.
She went too far.
The darkness engulfed her, the unknown momentarily magnifying her fears, dulling her courage, and erasing her knowledge. There was no life in this place. Malevolence had overcome all sense of purity, its primeval hatred forming out of the collective despair from all who had come before and were consumed by it. Rey thought she had felt the dark side before, but this... this was evil in its most raw element.
Rey waded among it, taking in any scrap of information that came her way. Holding on tightly to her identity, she could see how Ben would've gotten lost in here. She could feel she was very close to a free-fall if just one more sense were to be removed.
With survival instincts embedded in her from the hardships of Jakku, she recognized when it was time to bail. She pulled and yanked against the shadow's hold, magnifying her light till it could no longer stand to be near her.
Rey's back hit the dirt, her consciousness fully returning back to her own body, hearing the melodious noises of the forest. Sweat covering her skin and breathing labored, she remained still as she told herself over and over again that she'd made it out. But Ben, he was stuck. Not for the first time and certainly not the last, she marveled over the fact that he could function at all with that connection constantly polluting him over the span of many years.
But out of all this, she smiled. She was going to save Ben, she was going to get justice for what happened here, and she was going to rid the galaxy of an evil that's been plaguing it for thousands of years.
Because she finally knew where to find Snoke.
A/N: Okay, before any of you start tearing Rey apart, I just wanted to comment on a few things. I have gotten reviews in the past where people have voiced that they hate her character. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I am not trying to belittle you for it. I just want you all to know that yes, I know Rey is very naive, impulsive, and sometimes immature. But she is nineteen. Nine-teen. She grew up isolated on a desert planet where all she focused on was survival. Now being around other people, her age definitely shows at points. Not to mention that her streak of being in dangerous situations and making it out alive every time has left her cocky. Ren on the other hand, while older and more mature, has been emotionally repressed and it shows through his outbursts of anger and always thinking he's right. These are the flaws the characters have. I wrote it this way purposefully. They couldn't start off being these amazing characters who have their shit together. I certainly didn't have my life together at nineteen. I still don't, and I'm 27.
Now, I also wanted to bring in some nature vs. nurture debate. Would Ben have always had a connection to the dark side and have fallen if Snoke hadn't been there to influence him? Or was it completely Snoke's and his parents fault for how Ben has turned out? Or a mixture of both? Rey certainly views it that if Snoke was never in the picture, Ben would be a better person. She still kind of views him as a victim in all this, while Ben doesn't really view himself as such. Rey has always struggled to accept Ben for everything he is, and now she thinks it can all be fixed if Snoke is gone for good.
On another note, if you guys thought Luke was way too complacent in this chapter, he won't be in the next. He is trying to think before he speaks, something Ben and Rey aren't good at.
Anyway, sorry for the lengthy explanation. I don't want to explain everything to you guys, but I felt like I needed to explain at least those points. Thanks for reading and I hope you're still enjoying the story thus far! I get nervous about reactions, but I must write the story how I envisioned it. May the Force be with you all!