Open Arms:
The next day Sam was so wrapped up in his research, he didn't notice Dean's absence for several hours. Not until he finally decided he needed to get out of the bunker for a few hours.
"Dean! Hey, I'm heading out. You need anythin'?" Sam paused. It was unduly quiet.
Sam felt a sudden panic rise in his chest, constricting his breathing. And then Cas' voice spoke to him from the corner.
"He...He's not here. But he's not in trouble. I-Your journal, Sam. I don't know why he read it but it has shaken him deeply." Cas' voice still shook with tears. Sam turned to see him, see his teary eyes.
"And now...Now you know what it said too, huh?" Sam smiled sheepishly.
Cas smiled a single tear falling down his face. Sam nodded.
"I'm sorry you had to know that…"
"No...It...I'm sorry that we were so indifferent to your former sufferings." Cas bowed his head. Sam nodded.
"Where is he?" Sam figured it was about time to make this right.
"At Mickey's…" Cas smiled. Sam was heading for the door.
"Then that's where I'm going. And I might be gone for a while." Sam smiled wistfully. He took one of the bunker's old cafe racer Bonnevilles into town.
When he pulled in, he expected to see Dean in a forlorn pose, sipping whiskey until it ran from his eyes. He would not have expected, not in all his years, what he did see.
Mickey had an old piano he kept in the corner. Sam had only seen Dean plucking around on a piano once. That was when he had come to take him home. To cure him of being a demon. This time, Dean was playing it like he had been trained by the maestros. Sam had forgotten that this was karaoke night at the bar. That the people gathered around were all as lonely as Dean must have felt when he walked in. They all swayed along to the tune of "Open Arms" by Journey, that Dean sang now without throwing his impressive voice.
No one in the bar noticed what Sam noticed. That Dean, in his sadness, had altered the lyrics.
Dying beside you,
Facing the dark,
Your heartbeat ending with mine,
That was the end,
The only one for me,
How could I have been blind?
We rode on together
But drifted apart,
And somehow you stayed
By my side-
He drifted into the chorus, that he had not changed. No one protested. Sam swaggered into the bar, tears in his eyes...The song wasn't meant for the rest of them. He knew who Dean was singing to, even though he had no idea that Sam had just walked in.
Dean's shoulders tensed as the next verse came. And Sam heard the choked down tears in the words, even though none of the other barflies batted an eye.
Living without you and
Dying alone,
Eternity in coming so cold,
Wanting to tell you,
Wanting you alive,
How much I needed you home,
Somehow you came back…
Turned night to day,
I need you...this time to stay…
Dean sang the last chorus part, never looking up from the mic. And when the song faded to silence, there were faint clapping sounds from all sides, but then the world moved on.
Dean turned on the piano's bench. He was swilling whiskey, straight from the bottle he'd bought.
Sam felt the cold of the wind blowing in the door behind him. It was enough of a chill to bring Dean's eyes up where they saw his brother. He blinked as if he thought he was tripping. Then he stood up, swaggering, swilling the bottle. He was wasted. Sam cringed.
Dean came up to Sam and thrust the bottle to his chest, holding up above Sam's heart.
"I think...Maybe you should drive?" Dean's eyes fluttered. Sam nodded. He could come back for the bike later.
He put Dean in the Impala's shotgun seat. No sooner had the doors shut them in the cab than Dean was staring at him, crying.
"I don't know why the hell I did that to myself. I wanted to know what was happening in your head and then when I did...And I...And it didn't set in that we would be split up for Eternity forever until the day after you died. And I...I remembered and you died thinking that I didn't care...and…"Dean gulped back a sob. He was too wasted to know what he was saying.
Sam turned to look at him as he laid his head in his hands and cried. Then, swallowing, he reached over and hugged Dean to his chest. Dean was crying his eyes out, but totally in silence.
"What would I ever do...if you...like again?" Dean's fingers twisted in Sam's shirt.
"Honestly? There by the grace of God, man...I don't know." Sam laid his face in Dean's hair. They rarely ever took a second like this to acknowledge how deeply broken the both of them were. Dean might not even remember tomorrow. It was maybe selfish, but Sam needed to let himself take this in. Just for a second...