CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Spencer arrived to work Monday morning glad to be back to a normal work routine. She was going to respect Ashley's wishes and not push but she wasn't going to make the mistake again of just walking away. She wanted the brown-eyed girl in her life even if it meant just being co-workers, she hoped over time she could show her how sorry she was and they could maybe be friends again. Spencer was walking through the office heading to her cubicle while balancing a large stack of files, her lunch, and coffee causing her not to see the tiny person darting around the corner. She stumbled trying to avoid colliding with the tiny person, while dropping everything except her hot coffee, the tiny person bounced off her leg and fell back on her bottom. She knelt down to see if the child was okay and was surprised to see big blue eyes and curly blonde hair starring back at her. The child blinked jumped up and ran back around the corner. It took Spencer a second to place the child, she recognized the child but couldn't place her. While gathering her things it hit her who the blue-eyed child was, curious as to why Maria was in the office she walked around the corner that the child disappeared around. Last she knew her father was going to prison and losing all rights so she wouldn't be here for a visit.

She found the tiny girl sitting on Ashley's lap with her head on her shoulder as the older woman talked on the phone. Not wanting to interrupt the phone call she stood quietly just watching. Remembering the tiny blonde when they first met she looked like a different kid. The bruises, black eyes, swollen face were all gone but the biggest difference was the trust and light in the little girl's eyes. The little girl just looked at Spencer not moving, the older blonde smiled as the tiny girls eyes slowly slid shut and her little body relaxed in Ashley's arms. Spencer didn't speak until Ashley had finished her phone call "don't move, she's asleep."

Ashley slighting jump startled by Spencer's voice turning in her chair to face Spencer "you startled me." Spencer smiled remembering how easily Ashley use to be startled "well somethings don't change." Ashley started to smile and looked like she was going to come back with a witty retort but instead said "I didn't realize she had fallen asleep." Spencer knew that wasn't originally what she was going to say but let it go.

"I didn't know she got moved to your caseload."

"She didn't, she was moved to a new placement on Friday and it didn't work out so she spent the weekend with me."

Spencer was surprised by this, but didn't feel like she could pry any farther so instead she asked "Exactly how old is she, she seems younger than I thought?"

"She had just turned two right before we removed her."

"She is beautiful." Spencer didn't miss the smile that crossed the brown-eyed girls face or how the woman instinctively held the tiny child closer when she responded "Yes, yes she is."

Spencer stood there wanting to talk to Ashley, wanting to share the light banter that they shared as kids, knowing that wasn't an option she sighed. "Well let me know if you need any help finding a placement for Maria." Ashley phone rang, so Ashley just nodded and turned to answer the phone shifting Maria in her arms. Spencer watched her for a few more seconds before turning to go to her cubicle, knowing she had a ton of work today.

An hour later Spencer sat at her desk having accomplished nothing, she made it through one email before her mind wondered back to Ashley and the tiny little blonde. Her phone rang bringing her back to work, she didn't recognize the number assuming it was an anonymous report she grabbed the forms and a pen before answering.

"Department of Child Services, This is Spencer Carlen speaking how may I help you?" there was no response on the other end although she could hear a sharp intake of breath as soon as she quit speaking.

"Hello?" She asked again, softer this time afraid that it was a child to afraid to speak. After another long pause someone finally spoke "Spencer, is it really you?" The deep voice she would recognize anywhere froze her. Not wanting to show any emotion or let it be known that she knew who it was she fell back into her professional personality "Yes, this is Spencer. How may I help you?" She heard the soft sob on the other end of the phone "Spencer it's your dad." She closed her eyes, she couldn't figure out what feeling was most dominate at the moment, she had always had mix feelings towards her dad. She knew he had loved her, he had tried his best. Every time he went to a lawyer to seek a divorce he was told that the kids would go to the mom, no judge would give custody of two young children especially one being a girl to a single father. She was still angry at him, angry that he didn't just take them and leave. When they were young he had tried so hard to help Mother, to protect her brother and her. As the years went on he seemed to just give up, he spent more time at work then at home, leaving Spencer and Glenn to fend for themselves and that was the part that she couldn't forgive.

15 years old

"Fuck, fuck, fuck" Spencer repeated over and over as she walked home as fast as she could. She lost track of time in the library studying. The library had become her sanctuary, the only other place she could go besides Ashley's that she could study and lose herself. Not have to worry about Mother reaching her. She had been engrossed in her Chemistry homework, studying for her exam. She probably studying more that any human alive, determine to get a 4.0gpa, knowing she needed it if she planned on getting a full scholarship to college her ticket out of here. She hadn't realized how long she had been there and was surprised when the librarian came to her table to let her know the library would be closing. Spencer was an hour late pass her curfew she quickly collected all her things and ran out of the library. She kept reminding herself that her dad should be home. A few days ago, he came home from working late again which he did most nights to Spencer sporting a new bruise. He cried and apologized for not being there to protect her. Spencer told him it was okay, that she understood, even though she didn't. She didn't understand why he didn't just take them and leave. As she turn the corner to their street she slowed down, his car wasn't there, he wasn't there. She was going to be left alone to face Mother again. She stopped outside the house considering not even going in. She knew that she could go to Ashley's house and stay. "Fuck" she said louder this time still debating on what to do when the door was suddenly flung open and there stood her Mother, drink in hand, eye's blood shot, with nothing but hate and anger in her expression "Where the fuck have you been?"

Spencer immediately look at her feet knowing that her mother would take it as a challenge is she looked her in the eyes "I was at the library studying for a Chemistry exam." Her mother snarled at her "You think you are so smart? Let's see how smart you really are." She opened the door wider so that Spencer could enter. Spencer hesitated for half a second considering turning and running in the other direction. Her mother must have read her mind because she suddenly grabbed a fist full of Spencer hair and roughly pulled her into the house.

Leading her to the bathroom she threw her in, Spencer stumbled barely catching herself on the tub before she crashed head first into it. She started digging under the sink and in cabinets when she pulled out a bottle of Rubbing Alcohol and a bottle of Bleach Spencer started to panic.

"I'm sorry Mother, it won't happen ag" her words were cut off when her mother suddenly smacked her across the face causing her to fall into the wall "Shut up you little bitch, I don't want to hear your useless apologies. You are nothing and will never be anything. Now let's give you a real Chemistry lesson."

Spencer watch as her Mother poured the entire bottle of bleach into a bucket then added the entire bottle of rubbing alcohol. The fumes instantly making Spencer's eyes water and lungs burn, she watch in horror as her mother smiled at her while closing the bathroom door. Leaving her in the small space with no window or ventilation Spencer struggled to remain calm knowing panicking wouldn't help. She slowly took in a breath the fumes burning her lungs even more. She prayed that her dad would come home, that he would walk in and find her. She was getting light headed, finding it harder and harder to breath. She slowly slid down the wall as far away from the bucket as she could get, putting her thin t-shirt over her nose and mouth the faint feeling getting stronger. She willed herself to stay conscious afraid of what mother would to do to her if she was unconscious, willing her dad to come home. She was not able to control either, she felt a sudden urge of anger and hate the only difference she realized was that it wasn't her Mother she was angry at it was her dad for not being there to protect her as her world went black.

"Spencer, are you still there?" The sounds of her dad's voice pulling her from the memory the feeling of anger and hate that she felt that day swelling inside her she blinked stopping the tears that Spencer felt threatening to fall from falling.

"What do you want? How did you find me?" Spencer said harshly allowing the anger and hatred to be heard in her voice. She heard her dad take a deep breath before speaking "I need to speak with you, will you please meet me for coffee?" She was taken back by his request she hadn't spoken to or heard from her dad in over 10 years, not since the day she left home. Needing to know how he found her she repeated her first question "How did you find me?"

"I've always known where you were." He said quietly. She was shocked by this but before she could respond he continued on "Well that's not true, I didn't know for the first 4 years or so after you left. I looked everywhere but you had just vanished. Then one day I was on a business trip and I pick up the city paper and to my surprise there was your picture, you were being honored for graduating from the university with honors and your volunteer work. I couldn't believe it, I must have stared at the picture for hours." He was quiet for so long that Spencer almost spoke when he said quietly "I was there." Not knowing what he was referring to she said "What? You were where?"

"Your graduation, I was there. The date and time of your college graduation was in the article. I went with the plan to surprise you, to let you know I was there, I was so proud but watching you up on the stage giving your speech. Seeing how well you did without any help or support from me I knew you didn't need me and I didn't want to ruin your day. So I left before the end of the graduation I was, no I am so proud of you Spencer."

"So what you've just been keeping track of me and not saying anything?" Spencer didn't know what to think or feel.

"Yes. Spencer I have so much to tell you, so much to explain, and even more to apologize for. Will you please meet me for coffee?" The sound of her dad's voice breaking almost had her saying yes but she was just too shocked.

"I don't know, I need time to think."

"That's fair" Her dad gave her his number, she promised to call him no matter what she decided to let him know one way or the other. "I love you Spencer." He said softly before disconnecting the call.

She slowly put the phone down, shock giving away to a feeling of being overwhelmed. She was starting to feel claustrophobic just like the day in the bathroom. She pulled out the neck of her shirt trying to not feel so restrained. It didn't help, she needed to get out of here, and she needed to talk. She jumped up and instantly found herself standing at Ashley's cubicle. This time Ashley heard her approached and turned around to face her. Spencer noticed that she had made a pallet on the floor for Maria who was still sleeping to lay on. "Everything okay?" Ashley said.

Spencer realizing that she couldn't go to Ashley anymore, Ashley had made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with her unless it was work related she cleared her throat, shaking her head no before saying "I'm fine, I just wanted to let you know that we have extra pack and play in the supply closet if you want to get one for her." Her voice sounded strained to her, and the look in Ashley's eyes, told her that Ashley had heard it to. She turn and walked away before she broke down in front of Ashley. It was so easy to turn to her, to crave the comfort and protection she always felt when near her. Instead she walked to Madison cubicle. Madison was just ending a call "Hey Spencer what's going on."

"I need to talk, can you go to lunch with me. Please Maddie." Spencer knew she sounded desperate but she was on the verge of losing all self-control and needed to get out of the office. Madison must have seen the panicked look in her face because she instantly turned her voicemail on and stood up. "Let's go."

They walked out of the building into the chilly air it was a week before Thanksgiving and although it was warmer than usual it was still chilly. Spencer took a couple deep breaths, closing her eyes and facing the sun. The feeling of claustrophobia instantly decreased, Madison stood quietly sensing that Spencer must need this quiet time. Spencer finally opened her eyes looking at Maddie "Can we walk or are you hungry?"

"We can walk" They started off down the street heading toward a walking path that was out of the way and usually quiet. After several minutes Madison finally asked "So what happened back there?"

Spencer looked at her knowing that she would have to explain more of her past for her sudden panic attack to make sense. "I received a call from my dad." Madison looked at her expecting her to say more, when she didn't she tried guessing "and he had bad news of some kind?" Spencer shook her head "No, it's just that well I haven't talk to my dad in 10 years." Madison did the math quickly, so you haven't talked to him since you were 17 did he walk out on you and your mom?"

Spencer sighed, "No, I ran away." Spencer than told Madison about her Mother, without going into details about the abuse and games her mother liked to play, how her father was never home and the anger towards him. Finally she told Madison how Ashley played into it all, and how at 17 she made the biggest mistake of her life by listening to Shelby"

Madison was quiet so many question running through her mind but she knew now was not the time to ask Spencer questions. Spencer had finally opened up to her, let her in and all Madison could think to do was reach out and pull her into a hug. She felt Spencer stiffen at first but then slowly wrapped her arms around Madison as the quiet sobs shook her body. When Spencer started to pull out of Madison embrace she was blushing, "I'm sorry"

"Don't you dare apologize, you are my best friend. I always knew there was something you were keeping buried and I always want to be here for you." Madison lead Spencer to a nearby bench and they both sat down, lost in their own thoughts. Madison finally asked a question "So your dad just found you out of the blue and called? What did he want?"

Spencer sighed "Apparently he has known where I've been for six years, he even attended my college graduation. He just didn't think I would want to hear from him."

"So why know?"

Spencer shook her head "I don't know, he said he needs to talk to me and wants to meet for coffee. I told him I didn't know if I wanted to or not."

"I support whatever you decide to do but I think you should meet him. Let it be on your terms but you deserve that closure. No one is saying you have to continue to have a relationship with him after you meet and no one is saying you have to forgive him. You deserve an apology."

Spencer nodded while standing up to start walking back to work. They walked back in silence just enjoying being outside before they went back into the building Madison put her hand on Spencer arm stopping her. "Thank you for trusting me with this and I'm here for you."

Spencer smiled and quickly hugged Madison before entering the building.