Updates: 4/28/13

9. Out at First

Yusei slowly woke up to the sound of running water.

Crow must be in the shower, he thought, turning over.

… Crow?

Wait a minute.

Yusei shot up. Jack was sleeping in the other bed, so—

He looked at the bathroom door. The shower turned off.

Yusei hurriedly dragged his fingers through his hair, hoping that it wasn't a complete rat's nest.

The bathroom door opened and Jack stepped out in a hotel-provided bathrobe. "Oh, you're awake," he said. "Hey, sorry about falling asleep on you like that. I was completely zonked. I guess you have magic fingers."

"Thanks … I guess. Crow volunteered to switch with you with Bruno."

"I should thank him. Uh, maybe I should … get out of your way …"

"Jack—"

"Yeah?"

"Would you stick around for a little? We never get a chance to talk … you know … just between us two? There are … things … I want to tell you."

"There are?" Jack sat on the other bed across from Yusei, and … did he look a little hopeful? Or was that just Yusei's wishful thinking? "Good, because I was hoping I could talk with you too."

"You were?"

"Yeah … but what did you want to talk about?"

"Uh …" It was so hard to figure out where to start. "When you were laid up in the hospital, you mentioned that you didn't even have coffee in your neighborhood growing up—"

"You remember that I said that?" He frowned. "You … you want to talk about … coffee?"

"Not exactly … The articles say you had a tough childhood, but you never really elaborate. When you say things like that it makes me wonder … what it was like for you."

"There's a reason why I don't talk much about it, Yusei. I don't really want to think about it. There are a lot of bad memories. There were a few good times, but most of it I'd be just as happy forgetting. You?"

"Crow and I were pretty happy kids."

"And later? He's not …"

"You're wondering if your fabled gaydar is broken? No, he's not. But we're close enough that I could tell him everything I was going through, so … it really helped a lot. Jack … I can't help wondering—and I know how nosy this is … did you have anyone like that? Or …" were you alone?

Yusei just couldn't bring himself to complete the question, but he really wanted to know. He just couldn't stand the thought of Jack facing all that alone.

Jack didn't look very happy, but he looked back into Yusei's eyes seriously. "Why is it so important for you to know this? It's all … over. And I'm glad it's over."

"I just …"

"I don't want to go into it, at least not now. Maybe … someday. You know how Kiryu and I are old friends, right?" Yusei nodded. "Well, he's had girlfriends starting way back and … sometimes he was the only reliable friend I had. We bailed each other out of some tough scrapes. We fought together, and … learned baseball together … I wanted to tell him, but … he's my oldest friend and sometimes … a lot of times … he was my only friend. I just couldn't risk losing my best friend and … when things got better for me, it seemed like it was too late to tell him. 'Oh, now it's convenient,' you know? It's just …"

Yusei's hand twitched, wanting to reach out and take Jack's. Instead, he crossed the short distance between the beds and sad down next to Jack, pulling his legs under him. "I get it, Jack. I'm … I'm sorry I pressed you."

"No, it's OK."

"It's just … you seem so cocky all the time, but sometimes you …" Yusei sighed. "I don't know what I want to ask."

"I get it … and I really need a friend."

But right now Yusei felt like he wanted to be more than that … but maybe that would be asking too much. Still, there was something in Jack's eyes … or was it just the reflection of his own wishful thinking? Jack had accepted their invitation readily enough … but maybe he just wanted the company.

Thinking like this could drive you crazy, Yusei thought.

"You know," he said, trying to think of anything to push the confused knot of thoughts out of his mind, "when you got hurt, it scared me senseless. Why did you do that?"

"It's like I said. I wasn't thinking. I knew I had to keep the guy off base and I could stop the ball … so …" he shrugged. "He's notorious."

"Notorious?"

Jack frowned. "For spiking!" he said, in a scolding tone.

He was protecting the infield?

"Jack … You know that I could have gotten to the ball."

"Yeah, but … I reacted. I can't help it. That's how I have to field, being so close in. You know that."

"Still, don't ever let it happen again, OK?" Yusei said sincerely.

"You know, I can't really promise that there won't be a liner through the box, but … I'll do my best. Generally I can get a glove out. This one was … a little quick, even for me."

"Fielding's my area of expertise."

"Oh, yeah? Who has the Golden Glove?"

"This is my first year! Hard to win before then. But seriously … Anyway, I really wanted to talk about other things."

"Like what?"

"What's on your mind, Jack? I often wonder."

"Oh, I thought you thought I was a bubble-headed blond."

"Hardly."

Jack looked at him a moment and then blurted, "I want to break up with Carly, but I don't know how." Then he looked surprised that he'd said it. Finally, he sighed heavily, as though he'd dropped a huge weight. "I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. Not openly. I can tell Kiryu, but I can't tell him why I feel this way."

"Jack, now you do. You can trust me. If you want me to trade a secret, I'll tell you anything."

"No, I just … I need to talk to someone." Jack began to explain how he'd started to feel a stronger and stronger drive to find that special someone. He left out the part where he had been wondering whether Yusei might be that someone, but he watched Yusei closely as he spoke, catching every spark and glimmer in his eyes.

"So you can't just … tell her you want to see other people?"

"You've met Carly. It's hard to break something like that to someone so …"

"So nice?"

"Yeah."

"You can't just keep stringing her along just because you like her and you don't want to hurt her. That's how people end up married to people they don't love. It's … brutal, and …"

… heartbreaking.

Just thinking about it gave Yusei a sharp pain in the center of his chest.

"You're right. I have to figure it out. I think I'll wait until the end of the season, though. She's pushing me to wait until then before we do anything and … yeah."

But Jack looked morose. The two sat in silence as the seconds ticked away, then Jack said, "There's something else. I … I'm not comfortable with my agent."

"Godwin? But he's really well-thought of. High powered."

"I've been thinking about it more and more ever since …" Whatever it was, Jack didn't elaborate. "I don't like the way he sticks his nose in my business. He seems to mean well, but … there's something about it that sets my teeth on edge. I just don't trust him." Jack's eyes had narrowed and he'd stiffened substantially.

Again, Yusei was consumed by an almost uncontrollable urge to lay his hands on Jack to try to smooth out the rigidity that had crept into all of his muscles. "You should trust your instincts, Jack. I can help you find a new agent. It might take until the end of the season, but any agent would jump at the chance to represent you."

"Yeah …" Jack said uncertainly. "I don't want Godwin to know until I tell him. I don't want any agents to know."

"We can do it after the season is over. He won't be able to do a thing to you. If there's anything shady, we'll nip it in the bud. OK?"

"OK." Jack still looked worried, but he let it drop. "Let's talk about something more pleasant. I didn't want you to spend the entire morning listening to me complain."

"I don't mind. It's just good to get a chance to talk with you." Yusei hoped that didn't sound too sappy, but it felt really good sitting next to Jack and watching the morning sun catch highlights in his hair.

"I can actually be better company than this … I guess I …"

"Everyone needs a friend sometimes, Jack. Honestly, I don't know how you stand it, playing the loner like you do." Yusei almost slapped a hand over his mouth.

Jack must have caught it in his eye because he said, "You're right, Yusei. I make like nothing bothers me. That's how you survive. That doesn't mean it's always pleasant. And that's why I've been looking for someone special to … to … to be with."

"Jack …" I want to be that someone. He wanted to say it. It was practically bursting his chest trying to force its way out, but … this was the first time they'd really had a chance to spend any time together, unless you counted that awkward time at the bar.

"Yusei …" Jack said. "I've never met anyone quite like you. You make me want …"

What?

Yusei wanted to know, desperately. He stared into Jack's eyes, trying to look all the way into them, penetrating past all the surface shine, into the dark violet depths to comprehend the true import of his soul.

He's only a ballplayer …

But the ballplayer was leaning forward now. Jack took Yusei's chin in his hand and looked back into his eyes curiously, running a thumb along his jaw softly.

"I want to wait until after the season to make any changes … but …" he said quietly, continuing to lean forward, "I want you to know … I'm seriously considering a certain change … but I'd need your help with it."

At last, Jack's lips met Yusei's and Yusei leaned into Jack, his hands involuntarily reaching into blond curls.

They broke apart all too soon, flushed and panting from the contact.

Before either of them could speak, there was a soft knock at the door followed by soft fumbling. The door opened to reveal Crow, one hand covering his eyes, the other, outstretched and waving about like an antenna. He had a bag hooked over the elbow of the arm that he was using to shield his eyes.

Jack and Yusei stared in amazed silence as Crow fumbled his way toward the bedroom, his hand slowly feeling about before him at arms length until …

… he contacted Jack in a complete face-palm.

Crow squeaked involuntarily as one gray eye flew open between rigid fingers. His hand jerked from Jack's face as though he'd placed it on a hot stove.

"What are you doing, Crow?" asked Jack.

Yusei couldn't take it anymore and bent over, laughing, arms wrapped around his waist. "You should have seen your face, Crow!"

"I … uh … I'm trying to get some clean clothes."

"Without seeing them?" asked Jack.

"I … just … I …"

Yusei sighed. There was no helping it. "Forget it Crow." He looked at Jack apologetically. "Crow was afraid that he might be walking in on something. I'm sorry, Jack. I told him what you said … back at the bar." Yusei was completely red now. "You have every reason not to trust me now, but … Crow knows everything about me and … he's never broken a confidence. He'd never say anything. If he did …"

If Jack's secret came out, Yusei's secret would come out.

Jack stared at the two, processing everything. "That's … it's a lot to take in," he confessed.

"But you don't sound really angry."

"I'm …" Jack sighed. "I don't know what I am." Jack looked at Yusei hard for such a long time that Yusei started to shift about uncomfortably. "I know how it feels," he said finally.

"But …?"

"But … you broke my confidence. Still, it doesn't change the fact that I need someone to talk to. I'll have to think this over."

The silence hung between the three like a cloud until Crow said, "Uh … I hate to break such a pleasant mood, but Bruno thought you might like some fresh clothes." He pushed the plastic bag toward Jack.

"Oh, yeah, thanks."

Jack took it and walked into the bathroom.

Yusei instantly turned to Crow. "Why did you have to come in like that?! We were …"

… kissing …

"You were?! Oh, God, Yusei! I'm sorry—"

"No, Crow, we weren't … that, but … we were … getting on … talking, and … now …"

"Oh, geez, I'm sorry! But I was afraid that—"

"Dammit, Crow, I know what you were afraid that! Do you really think I move that fast?!"

"Well, maybe you don't, but how do I know Jack doesn't? He's awfully cocky, you know!"

"Yeah, well, he's kind of sweet and sensitive and shy underneath all that."

"Huh. Who would've known?"

"Tch!" Yusei was about to elaborate, but the bathroom door opened and Jack walked out, now dressed, with the previous day's clothes in the plastic bag over his arm.

"I think I'll go back to my own room and get down to the breakfast buffet. … Uh, see you there, guys," he said and started out.

"W-wait!" Yusei hastened after and grabbed Jack by the arm before he could open the suite door. Crow, for lack of anything better to do, went into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

"Jack … I don't want to leave it like this. We … we were just starting to … get to really know each other, you know?"

"I know, but … and I get it, you tell Crow everything, and you trust him implicitly. Telling you something is like telling Crow. I should have known! A shortstop and second baseman are practically like brothers anyway, and you guys are more like Siamese twins … you're always giggling together like a couple of schoolgirls. I should have known that you were giggling over me. But … that's not what we agreed to, is it? You should have told me, Yusei."

"So … is that … it?" He willed tears not to well up into his eyes, but he really felt like crying. Or screaming. Or beating on Jack's poor, abused chest. … Or kissing him again, hard.

"No, but … like I said, I need to take a step back. I need to trust you. Both of you. Not just on the field. Off of it too."

"Jack …"

"Don't you understand? As long as I can remember, all I've ever wanted to do was play ball—a long time before I found out I liked guys. When that happened … when I figured out … you were pretty much screwed if people found out you were gay in sports … well …"

Yusei looked at the misery in Jack's face and could only imagine that it was mirrored by his own. "You're screwed either way. You either live a lie and get to play, or you tell the truth and … you're out. For good."

"Yeah."

"But I've always had Crow to talk to. I can't imagine—"

"Let's not." Jack sighed. "I need you. I need someone I can talk to. You don't even know how it's been lately, and …" he looked down and around, finally grabbing a binder off of the coffee table to have something to fiddle with.

"Jack …" Yusei said, not knowing what else to say.

"Just don't—"

"I promise. I won't tell Crow anything you told me this morning." He stared down and Jack's large hands, fiddling with the binder. "I … you … mean a lot to me," he whispered. "Already."

He was afraid to look up, but watched the two hands as they put the binder down. One of them grazed his arm, then reached for the door handle and pulled the door open.

Then Jack was gone.

Author's notes:

4/28/13: Corrected grammar (minor); italic; interrobangs.

Hey everybody, thanks for reading and reviewing! Here's a quick turnaround for Independence Day! Well, this chapter turned out more angsty than I'd anticipated ... and I hope I didn't take the guys too far OOC, but once I got started, the characters kind of ran away with it and I couldn't seem to do anything about it. I hope that it works for you! BTW, this is actually going somewhere, it's just taking longer to get there than I expected.

Out at First: A double reference to being thrown out at first base (failing to get a hit) and to the euphemistic baseball "scoring" analogy used for lovemaking. Yusei "got to first base" because he kissed Jack. The double meaning of "outing" doesn't come to play into this at all in this case.

For spiking: A player who wants to harm the defensive player might slide into a base with his feet raised in a position to strike the defensive player with the spikes on his shoes (to "spike" the baseman).

through the box: The pitcher's box. Initially, the pitcher stood in a "box" drawn in the infield. Later on the pitcher's mound was implemented, but they still call this area "the box." (Not to be confused with the batter's box.)

... and next time ...

Yusei couldn't help sneaking a glance over his shoulder at Jack. Another thing he didn't know … He tried to picture Jack doing these things or what it was like … Using his cocky grin to lure people in, his poker face to confuse them …