Disclaimer: I own nothing. Although I wish I owned a nerf gun. I should look into that...

Author's Note: Episode eight of season two was the one where an artifact caused Pete and Myka to switch bodies with each other. In the B story, Artie and Claudia went hunting down a pair of stockings that caused every man who touched them to fall madly in love with the wearer. Artie was affected near the end of the episode, which caused some craziness. In the ensuing chaos, Claudia got handcuffed to a stove. They managed to reverse the effects of the stockings by tearing them. At the end of the episode Artie left Claudia handcuffed to the stove, saying he could see nine different ways for her to get out. This chapter picks up immediately after that. Enjoy!

All's Fair in Love and War

Artie was sitting in his car when Claudia came out of the house. She walked down the drive and pulled open the passenger door, slamming it shut behind her.

"You know that I hate you, right?" she asked as she buckled her seatbelt.

"One minute and seventeen seconds," Artie said, looking down at his watch. "Not bad. How'd you do it?"

"Option number ten," Claudia said.

"And what was that?" Artie asked curiously.

"I had Lauren bring me the keys," Claudia admitted. Artie chuckled.

"Resourceful," he said. He turned the key in the ignition and put the car in gear.

"It happens," Claudia said with a smile.

"Occasionally," Artie teased as he backed out of Lauran's driveway.

They drove along in silence for a while. It had been a crazy day and they were both tired. Finally Claudia turned away from the window to look at Artie.

"So I think we should talk about what happened today," she said carefully.

"Okay," Artie said, a little concerned. "What part do you want to talk about?"

"Well, for one thing, you almost got me killed."

"Not on purpose," Artie reminded her. "I was affected by an artifact."

"You pointed a Tesla at me, Artie," Claudia said seriously. "With the express intention of frying my guts. Those things can be lethal up close."

"I didn't actually shoot you," Artie pointed out. "Besides, you chained me to a pole."

"Yeah, to keep you from doing something stupid," Claudia retorted. "And you chained me to a stove, so I'd say we're even there."

Artie sighed.

"I'm sorry, okay?" he said seriously. "I'm really sorry. If anything had happened to you, I would have never forgiven myself."

"I know," Claudia assured me. She fell silent for a moment before adding, "You also almost shot an innocent man."

"The artifact was messing with my head."

"And speaking of artifacts, you tried to blind me."

"I just told you I was sorry."

"Not for that."

"Well, I'm sorry."

"And you pushed me. Next to a busy street, I might add."

"I'm sorry for that too."

"I could've gotten hit by a car."

"I doubt it."

"I could've ended up in the hospital."

"Claudia."

"I could sue for assault, you know."

"Claudia," Artie repeated through clenched teeth.

"I think I have bruises on my wrist," Claudia said, looking down at it.

"Alright!" Artie cried in exasperation. "I'm sorry for everything! Are you happy now?"

Claudia smiled.

"It's a start," she said. Artie groaned.

"Did you want something else?" he asked irritably.

"I just think maybe I'm owed a little compensation, that's all," Claudia said innocently.

"How about I don't push you out of a moving car?" Artie grouched.

"I'm just saying," Claudia said. "You took somebody who isn't even an official Warehouse agent out into the field and then almost killed them."

"It was not my fault!" Artie said defensively. "I was under the influence of an artifact!"

"Okay, so it would be manslaughter as opposed to murder," Claudia said. "But that still doesn't look good on your report card. Plus, I'm basically still a minor."

"You're almost twenty," Artie said drily.

"I'm just saying there are certain details of this mission you might not want to get out," Claudia said innocently.

Artie sighed heavily.

"What do you want?" he asked in defeat.

"I'm sorry?" Claudia asked with a smile.

"You heard me," Artie said irritably. Claudia grinned and kicked her feet up on the dashboard.

"Well, now that you mention it," she said smugly, "I do have an idea."

Artie groaned.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

It was early the next afternoon when Myka was pulled out of her reading by a loud knock on her door.

"Come in!" she called.

The door opened and Pete came in. Myka's eyes widened a bit when she realized he was carrying a brand new nerf gun, a bag of extra darts, a blue jersey, and pair of orange-tinted plastic eyewear.

"What's all that?" Myka asked curiously.

"You tell me," Pete said. He was clearly just as confused as she was. "I found it outside my door. There's a set outside of yours too."

"What?" Myka said, confused. She set down her book and got off the bed. A walk over to her bedroom door proved that Pete was right. Just outside it was a set of equipment identical to Pete's. A folded piece of paper rested atop the small pile of items.

"There's a note," Myka said curiously. She picked up the page and unfolded it.

"What's it say?" Pete asked.

"'The game is afoot," Myka read. "'We have taken the liberty of supplying your gear. Use it well. Good luck and may the best agents win. –Team Clartie.'"

"Team Clartie?" Pete asked, making a strange face. "What does that mean?"

Myka signaled for him to be quiet before carefully making her way to the top of the stairs. She quietly started down them, careful to make as little noise as possible. When she got far enough down, she craned her neck so she could see into the living room.

A foam dart came flying straight at her. Myka dove out of the way and the dart just barely missed her. She started back up the stairs, but turned back long enough to grab the dart before scrambling back up the stairs. Once at the top, she sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall.

"It means," she said, answering Pete's earlier question, "that Artie and Claudia have declared war."

Pete looked over at the stairs and then back at Myka.

"They want war?" he said competitively. "I say we give 'em one. Is there any chance of us getting down the stairs?"

"They're watching them," Myka told him. "I think they're using the couch as cover. We could make a run for it, but we'd probably get hit."

"So what do we do?" Pete asked.

"Well, I was kinda hoping you would have an idea," Myka admitted.

"You're the smart one," Pete reminded her.

"And you're the ex-Marine," Myka shot back.

"There's no such-" Pete began.

"No such thing as an ex-Marine," Myka interrupted. "I know. So think, Pete!"

Pete's brow furrowed as he thought about it. Then he suddenly snapped his fingers as an idea came to him.

"We ambush 'em," he said.

"How?" Myka asked flatly. "We can't get down there."

"No," Pete corrected. "We can't get down the stairs."

"But you know another way down," Myka said slowly.

"Yup," Pete said proudly. "If we strip the beds, we can make a rope out of sheets. Then we can climb down, sneak around the house, come in the back door, and bam!"

He clapped his hands together for emphasis.

"Seriously?" Myka said skeptically. "You want to make a rope out of bed sheets?"

"What?" Pete said defensively. "It works in the movies. Are you scared?"

"No," Myka said quickly. "It just seems a little... childish."

"Myka, this is a nerf war," Pete pointed out, holding up the plastic gun. "Everything about it is childish."

"Good point," Myka conceded.

"I don't know about you," Pete continued, "but I am not about to lose to Team Clartie. So unless you have a better idea..."

Myka looked over at the stairs, visibly weighing the idea.

"Okay," she said. Seeing the excited look on Pete face, she quickly added, "But you're going down first."

"Fine," Pete agreed. He picked up the jersey sitting by Myka's door and handed it to her. "Suit up, soldier."

Myka snapped him a smart salute.

"Yes sir."

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

Leena turned her car off and pulled the key out of the ignition. She had decided to take advantage of the rare slow day at the Warehouse and go run some errands in Univille. It had taken a bit longer than she had expected, but in the end she had accomplished everything she set out to do. With a bit of luck, she might even have time to kick her feet up for a bit before she had to start on dinner.

She pushed open the front door to the B&B and stepped inside. She had only made it a few steps inside when something came whizzing past her head.

"Sorry!" Pete's voice yelled.

Leena barely even had time to register what had happened before Claudia appeared seemingly out of nowhere. She caught Leena's arm and dove behind her, effectively using her as a human shield. Then the younger girl pushed Leena into the living room and her jaw nearly hit the floor.

The room was a mess. The couch had been repositioned across the dining room entrance, forming an effective barricade behind which Pete was kneeling with a nerf gun pointed over the top. One of the chairs was flipped over and the coffee table had somehow ended up across the room. The cushions from the couch were scattered all around, with the exception of the one Artie was currently using as a shield as he knelt behind the chair that was still upright.

"What is going on?!" Leena asked in shock.

Myka leaned out from the dining room and her eyes widened at the sight of Leena.

"Out of the way, civilian!" Pete yelled, trying to get a clear shot at Claudia.

"I leave for two hours, and this is what happens?" Leena asked in amazement.

Claudia reached her gun arm over Leena's shoulder, pulling the trigger on the plastic weapon. The nerf bullet shot across the room and hit the side of Myka's head. Claudia let out a loud whoop of victory.

"Headshot!" she yelled, coming out from behind Leena. "Team Clartie for the win!"

Artie struggled up to his feet and the two of them exchanged high-fives.

"There was outside interference!" Myka protested, pulling the dart out of her hair.

"I demand a rematch!" Pete added as he got up from behind the couch.

"Absolutely not," Leena said firmly. "From now on, there are no nerf guns in this house. If you want to shoot each other, take it outside."

"But Leena," Pete whined.

"Look at this place!" Leena told him. "It looks like there was a tornado!"

"We'll clean it up," Myka assured her.

"You better," Leena said.

She headed through the living room into the kitchen. The other four occupants of the room set to work cleaning up. Artie went to right the other chair while Claudia dragged the coffee table back toward its original place. Pete and Myka began pushing the couch back to where it belonged. After glancing over his shoulder to make sure Leena was out of earshot, Pete turned to Claudia.

"Rematch on Saturday?" he asked quietly. Claudia grinned.

"You are so on."

Pete headed off to help Myka collect the nerf darts strewn around the room. Claudia walked over to Artie, who was putting the second chair in its place.

"Nice work, Gramps," she said appreciatively. She motioned at their matching orange jerseys. "We make a good team."

"That we do," Artie agreed. He looked over at Pete and Myka across the room before continuing on in a quieter tone. "So. Are you satisfied now?"

"Definitely," Claudia said. She held up her brand new nerf gun and grinned. "Best compensation ever."

You guys know the drill. Don't make me come after you with a nerf gun. :)