Realization/4: A mystery to Realize.
SORRY. I'm really sorry this is late. But I had work and then Christmas and then New Years, I just didn't have the time to write until now. I literally wrote this is one day, since even if I waited to write it longer, I would likely begin to lose the urge to write, which is what happened until now, where I could only bring myself to write snippets. But while I couldn't bring myself to write, I could bring myself to help further detail my ending for Realization. I know the characters and their destinations, and all I have to do is work on filling in the details of the journey.
So I'm glad that everyone's liking Manaka so far. It was a little hard to do, since the original material she's in doesn't translate well in English.
I usually don't like to call out reviewers in such a way, but one of them has a REALLY HIGH opinion of Shirou/EMIYA to the point where it's disturbing. Especially since it's not all that correct. Like at all.
Other than that I'm a little sad chapter 4 didn't get many reviews, but I guess it can't be helped. But I was hoping people would comment on how the Ruler and Shirou fight alongside the Manaka scene showcased just how broken Shirou feels from his decisions.
Oh well. It at least keeps the authors notes short.
Also, small spoiler(not for the chapter) but some scenes can't be written in so easily so at the end of the chapters I'll be having little interludes or omakes that are canon to the story but couldn't find a spot to find them. The Ruler vs Shirou fight was one of them, but I found a way to make it fit since I made it less of an actual fight and more of a lesson like UBW Archer vs Shirou. Hope you guys like it, it was hard to write since even I've never felt so existential.
Also just want to note, just in case you don't read FCAS, but the reason I use one word[term] then use brackets just like that is because Japanese has a cool thing where you can read things differently, and it actually adds layers into sentences that if written in English would be more plain. And also that for the prototype chracters, visualize them as if Nakahara, who did Prototype Fragments official Art.
Chapter start.
Shirou stood frozen looking at Manaka.
"..." Sounds of unsureness slipped past his calm facade.
"That's unfortunate, I thought you'd be more flustered."
"Ah, so that's what that face looks like...I suppose it's the same as that time isn't it..." Manaka said quietly, and knowingly.
"..."
"Aren't you going to say anything? A girl is exposing herself to you. No words to make me cover up, no words to make me concede to your desires?" She said in a princess tone.
"Just tell me straight...what do you intend on doing..."
Manaka ignored his question. She grabbed his hand and led it to her chest. She traced the command seals with his fingers, as if trying to prove to him that it was indeed real.
Seven angel wings. Two pointing up, two pointing down, two to the side, and one pointing downward. The sword surrounded by the wings was pointing up, pointing to the middle of her chest.
Shirou felt a thumping, and he wasn't sure if it was the blood in his arm, or Manaka's heart.
Eventually she finished tracing it, and simply left his palm in-between her breasts. He looked to her and saw she closed her eyes, her white cheeks flushed red.
He's never seen her this demure. She looked so...
Girly. Beautiful. In love.
And Vulnerable.
Her eyes closed, hands together on his own, ready to accept whatever judgement he had, even if it was to strike her down.
Because he abandoned the world, he could also abandon her. They knew that.
But because he abandoned the world, he didn't want to abandon anything else. They both knew this.
"A loss...so that's how you see this..."
Could he accept her?
He would fight anyone if he needed to. Even Manaka.
But he felt tired.
He didn't question what he could do, he questioned what he wanted to do.
He didn't know how she knew his past, and he couldn't bring himself to question that fact for the moment.
But was it smart, no, was it okay to trust her?
Julian ultimately betrayed him for his own goals, and they had known each other for years.
He knew the answer, he didn't know if he should follow it.
'The orphan is alone, striking diamond dust on a hill of swords.'
A chant said by no one resonated with him.
He thought of Kiritsugu, who was always alone, always focused on a single goal.
And then of his older self, who was surrounded by others, and was still never with them.
He... didn't want to be like them.
'But this life is not yet over.'
He knew what his only option was. He wouldn't let his resolve falter.
"Open your eyes Manaka."
She did so and found him buttoning up her frilly light blue dress.
"We still have a lot to talk about...but at the very least, I want you to know that you are my friend."
"Just a friend still is it." She said wistfully.
"No, even for me this confession isn't something that can just be put on hold, but just be a little patient with me."
Manaka wrapped her hands around his neck and nudged him with her head. "It's rude to not respond now...but I won't ask you for the impossible."
Shirou patted her before the two of them felt and overwhelming presence.
Manaka shoved herself off Shirou to look down at the alley.
Shirou didn't fight the shiver that passed through his body, but he still brought out a class card and installed it.
A giant monster, for it looked like no man, clad in red and black chains rather than clothes, Red veins bulging from the skin unnaturally. In its hand a golden metal tomahawk with a burning stone edge. It's sharp mouth was shut, yet a deep rumbling could be felt.
It barely fit in the alley, yet that just made things worse for them.
Nowhere to run, and no danger of civilians when they could not fight back.
Manaka knew what she needed to do to give them a chance.
But she wasn't surprised that before she could make a move a figure in blue shot forward with a red spear.
"[Gáe Bolg: Barbed Spear that Pierces with Death][Spear of Impaling Barbed Death]"
Shirou saw exactly what he feared.
The spear bounced off of the monster's skin, as if a pebble to metal.
It was the worst situation for Shirou, fighting meant involving civilians, yet not fighting meant dying.
And Dying was unforgivable.
What he wasn't expecting, was for a hole to open up beneath the monster. A hole in space eerily similar to what he once faced against.
The monster reaches to grab the edge, only for the hole to open up further to keep such a thing from happening.
"Lancer!" A beautiful woman with long white hair had a spear with a valentine heart tip.
Shirou expected this, after all, those command seals meant she had a servant. He wasn't surprised that said servant was beautiful, or even that her spear was misleadingly dangerous.
What he was- surprised about however, was that she was blindfolded and had some sort of gag in her mouth.
It froze him in his tracks even as the woman passed by him into the hole that lead to a rocky surface to attack the monster.
He couldn't resist the urge to check his blue clad body to see if he had reacted to such a sight from the shock of it. And sighing in relief that nothing of the sort happened, he prepared to join in on the fight.
Only for Manaka to pull on his red hair by a newly made ponytail. Her cheeks were puffed out.
"Shirou-sama. Please don't misunderstand. But immediately reacting to another woman when you didn't for me is forbidden."
"A-aha." Laughing nervously was all he could do.
She let go and put her hands on her hips. Sighing, she told Shirou what she did, "I sent that abomination to beyond the city's outskirts. There's no need to worry for either Magi or civilian to find out we're fighting."
Shirou took a second to admire how she was able to calculated the distance and send the creature so quickly. It was without a doubt, a move caused by a genius.
"Manaka, you really are amazing, like I thought."
"Fufu. I love your praise, but for one touched by the root, this really is nothing."
"Ah." It was an anticlimactic reaction on the outside. But inwardly he not only connected the dots, but was dumbfounded at how small the possibility of meeting such a girl and making her fall for him was. Yet, in the end that information was second to his realization of Manaka's character.
A girl, touched by the root and thus gained something near omnipotence-that was inaccurate, as instead, it was more that something akin to omnipotence became a girl.
A cold woman not even fit to be called 'human'.
She understood things beyond the sight of any other human. And thus could not understand them, and could not be understood by them. And instead she pretended, that she could be understood, yet that feeling of 'something is missing from this person' kept others away.
'A perfect knight is not what I need-'
Because she knew so much, she was bored by it all. So she decided to give herself something she would not be bored by. She 'idealed a meeting with a heroic king' simply because there was no boredom in that. Yet, there was no doubt that she foresaw such a thing happening.
Which meant, even that was just a passing fancy. An emotion faked for the sake of filling up something that was not even hollow.
But then she saw him on the streets saving a man that was meant to die, he who was not a part of the world she saw. And for once, her heart and mind was moved.
By the feeling known as curiosity.
She knew nothing, and that fact made her feel so much more than even her father's death.
Her emptiness gained a hole, which was filled with a feeling she knew, but never felt. Her curiosity, something that was even more impossible than her love. And so 'what was missing' was now carved into her like any other human being.
Because he was not meant to be in this world, he interfered with its future. No event would play the same with him involved.
Such as 'this war'.
"Ugh. Somehow, I feel a harsh pressure on my shoulders."
"Yes, there should be. After all, a man who ignores the feelings of the different women who love him is definitely a scumbag right?"
"Rig-wait, hold on! That's not what I meant!"
Manaka giggled as she ignored him, she removed her original hole in space to create a smaller one, this time near the ground rather than in the sky.
"I feel a headache coming on..." Nonetheless, he jumped through the hole. 'Should I use a command seal? No, they're still at the restaurant, I just have to hope Ruler notices I ran into a fight.'
Ruler wondered what he did to deserve this.
A blonde haired (wo)man in a suit was accompanied by a beautiful mature woman with red eyes and long silver hair in winter wear.
Now he didn't often curse, he was usually too composed.
Not at the moment however.
'What. The. Fuck.'
What were the odds that of the hundreds of places to eat in the city a servant and their master would choose this one of all places. Worse was that it was Saber and her proxy master Irisviel. The two with the closest connection to him through a single man.
He took a moment to admire Irisviel. She certainly looked like she could be the mother of a certain master of Berserker. And part of him wondered if Illyasviel would look this beautiful if she was never tricked into fighting in the Holy Grail War.
"Oy, Ruler. What should we do." Medea whispered to him.
He wondered that too. It's not as if they needed to worry about a fight. Saber was too honorable for that.
Kiritsugu was the real problem.
If he knew that there were servants here, he might not hesitate to use a command seal regardless of witnesses.
It was ruthless. But it was what the Magus Killer would have done to achieve his goals.
'Well, it should be fine as long as we don't do anything. Since we're in Medea's magical territory she's able to defend us in the case of an attack. If nothing else the spells placed on us will keep them from noticing we're not human like she did in the fifth war with the monks in the temple, even a Nanaya won't notice we're not human.'
"Just don't make any moves to them. Treat them like you would anyone other customer. Master isn't exactly here to decide what to do, so let's just play it simply. Besides these ones aren't the type to cause trouble."
Medea gave a serious nod and then looked over to Saber in curiosity. "Ruler, don't you know who all the servants in the war are? It's rude to keep them a secret from me when you mentioned them to Master."
"Actually, I only told him about some of the Masters and Servants of the original fourth war. And that's only because they involved him in a way. Best to let him mull over it now then be surprised in a battle."
"And myself?"
"If master hasn't told you, I won't either. Have fun guessing."
"What a rude man."
"What a bad cook who likes to fanta-" luckily for Medea, his comeback was interrupted by the white haired woman, hailing him over.
"Hello~. If it's fine, we'd like to order these." She said pointing to several different items.
No doubt Saber was unable to hold back from the delicious pictures of the menu.
"Of course ojou-sama." He said instinctively. He cursed at himself. If only Medea and Miyu hadn't forced him into this butler costume. And damn his younger self too for just standing on the sidelines. Who could you trust if you can't even trust yourself to watch your back?
"Hehe. Thank you."
"My thanks." Saber chipped in seriously.
He walked over to his ally currently under another name. "Ryougi, I'm going to be take the next cooking shift. Our newest guest deserves something fitting for a king."
"Alright Tomoe-eh?" 'Ryougi' doubletaked at his hint.
He resisted the urge to openly laugh at her dumbstruck face in favor of focusing on making a great amount of food for Saber. He knew how she ate, and luckily Irisviel ordered a lot, so he could simply cook it all in one sitting.
It hadn't taken long, he was an expert after all, and both Shirou and himself prepare in advance for larger parties of people.
Food was the easiest way to get people to smile, and they were heartfully devoted to that.
When he went outside with all the food balanced with the strength of a servant, he found Miyu narrowing her eyes at the oblivious woman who was pinching her cheek.
"My! You're such a cute girl! You remind me of my daughter!" Irisviel squealed motherly.
"Please stop." Miyu said. Though it actually came out as "Plastfop" everyone seemed to understand her.
"Here's your food."
Irisviel clapped her hands near her cheek, in the process letting go of the red cheeked girl who hid behind the counter with a blank face that spoke 'pout' to both Ruler and Caster.
"Wow! That was so fast! And it looks so good!"
"It tastes better." He informed them.
There was no doubt in their eyes. The two ate with joy, Irisviel freely expressing it, and Saber's shown in her eyes.
He was glad to see that there was nothing to worry about, and in truth this scene reminded him of a dream where he saved humanity with countless heroes, including the two in front of him, even if those versions were different.
But of course, it seemed that he had tempted fate.
A young woman in her late twenties with red shoulder length hair with lace band in it came in. Her outfit consisted of a green dress with a white jumper underneath it and her lower had had thigh-highs and white boots. I holding her hand was a tiny boy with short red hair who wore a blue and white shirt.
She came in with a non Japanese man with broad shoulders who had a black shirt under an open green hoodie.
It was the man who was the problem.
For he was a servant, just like Saber, Caster, and Ruler.
As if that wasn't enough, he felt his Reality Marble resonate, meaning his younger self had somehow found himself in trouble, or rather, the trouble had found its way to find him. At least Ruler knew that if things escalated beyond Shirou's power he had command seals.
The Masters and Servants found themselves looking at each other before he could do anything.
'Shit.' He cursed again.
Luckily, he did happen to recognize the other servant, though he didn't know who the woman and the child were.
"Oh my! What a cute boy!" Irisviel said enthusiastically, trying to break the ice between herself and someone who she would eventually find herself in battle with.
The woman remained on guard, and warily looked at the surroundings. Ruler could tell that she didn't want to start a fight, but she didn't want to get friendly either.
"Luca!" The boy responded himself. "You're pretty! But mama is prettiest in the world!"
Irisviel pouted, but didn't argue.
"Now now Elsa, no need to be on guard. I can tell this person has no desire to fight with so many people around." The man said patting the woman's back.
"I will remain cordial if you do so as well." Saber responded.
Ruler decided to take this moment to butt in. "May I take your orders?"
Elsa looked confused at him. Which in turn confused him. "Hm? Are you a new worker here? I didn't know Shirou-kun finally took my advice and hired other workers. I must say, you really look like him, are you siblings?"
Ruler gave a strained smile. "No. We're cousins. That's my wife Ryougi Shiki behind the counter with Shirou's sister."
"I see, well, Miyu-chan should know our usual, we'll just double it for now."
He gives the message off to the two females closest to the kitchen.
When he looked back to the the two masters, he found the both of them looking at him.
'What is it this time.'
Irisviel spoke first. "I must say Tomoe-san, you really remind me of my husband."
Ruler couldn't even pretend to be surprised. And not wanting to look strange by acting weird, he decided to be normal. "Sorry miss, even if you are beautiful I have a beautiful wife of my own."
Irisviel blinked before realizing what he meant. "N-no no!"
He snorted and looked at the red haired woman who was looking at him rather intently.
"...I have to say, it was odd enough that Shirou-kun feels like my own son, but even you..."
Ruler wondered if this was motherly instinct at work.
It would certainly be ironic if Ruler, who had no memory of his family, met one of them here.
He understood the nuance of those words spoken thoughtlessly.
It wasn't that he and Shirou simply looked like her child.
They made her feel like they were her own children.
Impossible, since she held only one child.
But that would be another story if all three boys, were in fact the same person, from different worlds.
But Ruler didn't care. There was no need to. He has long since moved away from his past, let alone the past he didn't remember. Almost the same could be said of Shirou.
"Uhm. Sorry about that. Anyways, where is Shirou-kun?" Elsa said after shrugging off her feeling.
"He went out with one of his little admirers. It seems he decided that since they all like him, he should also like all of them."
That was a lie of course. But she didn't know that.
Nor would Shirou when he returns.
Elsa gained a tic mark. "That boy...even though I said that he's still young and he needs to relax, becoming a playboy is definitely not allowed." She unconsciously gripped her fist and, for some reason, Ruler felt a shiver alongside her child.
It was unfortunate that Ruler knew that this was still the likely future for Shirou, and was simply glad that he wouldn't face her motherly wrath.
Shirou felt a harsh shiver hit him just as he dodged under the monster's swing.
He wondered what the hell this monster was.
The chains gave off a miasma that prevented not only his sight as a Master from seeing anything about it, but he couldn't even read the history of those weapons.
Lancer dived down spear first into the monster's neck, her flaming spear still caused the barest of scratches.
"I'm sorry Shirou-sama! But I don't know anything about that beast, only that it's a false Heroic Spirit!" Shirou thought she sounded too cheerful, but figured he'd let it go given her condition.
"Well, it's not as if I have to hold back now."
He gripped Gáe Bolg. Prana filed it. And kept filling it.
Until eventually it morphed.
Originally holding a single bladed tip, it now held a jagged multi-spearheaded tip as if he had used its anti-army form.
"Break!:[Gáe Bolg: Barbed Spear that Pierces with Death][Spear of Impaling Barbed Death]"
In an instant, the spearheads shot out and converged on a single spot at multiple angles.
The giant, who's skin repelled this blow once before...
"Shit!"
...Repelled it once again.
"Sorry Shirou-sama! But it'll be had to let Lancer use her Noble Phantasm when your around!"
Shirou understood that much, unlike the monstrosity, Lancer had nothing keeping him from analyzing her weapon.
The eldest Valkyrie, and daughter to Odin. She was compassionate, but she was cursed. She loved heroes, but would always kill them.
Brynhldr. Lover, and killer, of Sigurd.
Shirou still didn't think he fit the bill of hero, but if Manaka wasn't letting Lancer use her Noble Phantasm, that meant it would definitely affect him somehow.
He hopped backwards and brought out his bow, Ruler's bow.
As long as Lancer kept their enemy busy, he could freely shoot the monster.
The barbed spear of death was formidable, but it was far from the best he could use.
The first arrow was notched. It was large before, but now it was thin.
"{Caladbolg}!"
His shot out at speeds even a servant would have trouble seeing.
Only to detonate in the air from a chain hitting it.
But he anticipated this, for the moment he saw that some of the chains were loose, that they could potentially be used.
The first shot was to get its attention.
The second shot wasn't.
"{Hrunting}!"
The red projectile traveled quickly, but for Shirou it was like slow motion. It dodged each chain swung at it, moving with a finesse unbefitting of a deadly projectile, and eventually nailed its target in the eye.
It roared. And it's roar alone shook Shirou's bones. It was that of a Cornered Alpha Lion. Manaka grabbed him and they were suddenly miles away, but for Shirou, the giant was still an easy target.
"Shirou-sama, please don't worry about Lancer, use whatever you have at your disposal."
Shirou traced more versions of Caladbolg and Hrunting, noticing that Manaka was assisting him.
Apparently touching the root meant even the magecraft of a reality marble was possible.
Tracing one last weapon, he set it down next to him as he reached for Hrunting...only for Manaka to hold it out to him in her hands.
He couldn't resist the sweat drop despite the situation. Regardless, he took it.
He shot, charging the shot for five seconds.
He shot again, charging for ten seconds.
Each time, he charged his arrows, regardless of what sword it once was, as they were handed to him.
The blaring red shots slammed straight into the thick neck that was bleeding from Lancer's first attack. Then, the Caladbolgs, which did not have the same mobility as the Hruntings, slammed straight into the thick muscled chest.
It was clear that even its skin could not resist so many powerful shots, and thus it roared in pain.
The wind blew them back, but Shirou grabbed Manaka and made sure she didn't fall.
"T-thank you Shirou-sama." That would have been more believable to anyone who didn't notice that she was staring at Shirou's abs. And of course...
Shirou kept his eyes on a single vulnerable spot.
"Manaka, use flash air to get me into that things blindspot at the right moment."
"Un!" Manaka affirmed his words.
He grabbed the last traced weapon. A spear, no, more like a pilum.
He jumped upwards, as if he held a red spear rather than a gold bladed spear. He reared backwards, as if he were high jumping in a Track and Field event, and found himself hearing the sound of crackling chains slamming into ice.
A look at his target saw that Lancer had encased its limbs with ice, and the runes on both her spear and the ground suggested that she had acted quickly from Manaka's order, otherwise the runes could have encased its target entirely even for a few seconds.
But with only its limbs frozen, it could still move around from forcing its body to move.
And so, he needed to act quickly.
"Break!:[Durindana Pilum: Ultimate Unbroken Spear]"
The spear which could only be stopped by something like a shield with seven oxen hides shot forward. The owner of the weapon always intended on regaining it.
Shirou had no such intentions.
And so the spear became a fiery rocket several lengths greater than it previously was.
It pierced its target fully, completely unlike his previous spear. From the back of its neck, to the front of its chest.
Shirou grinned as Lancer caught him.
They landed on the ground and Shirou congratulated themselves. "Thanks a lot for holding that thing back Lan-cer?"
He was understandably taken back as it seemed that the blindfold Lancer was wearing slipped off. Her beautiful amethyst eyes were revealed.
And he then quickly realized that they were indeed a fitting Master and Servant pair, because they both had the ability to have hearts in their eyes.
'Oh, so this is why Manaka made her servant look so kinky.'
The servant was blushing. And he wondered how on earth she had somehow fallen in love with him.
For about five seconds, as he realized that Manaka had likely talked about him so much to the point that Lancer herself felt like she knew him.
He looked over to the impaled monster man. The shadows seemed to be dripping away along with some black mud.
It felt foul, and he wondered if he should blow up its remains.
"That thing was like a Berserker...but how could we have been found so quickly? No way a master had discovered us already. And for a servant...it still seemed awfully weak."
Indeed, for even if it was a Berserker that was still terrifyingly strong: who's skin bounced away Gáe Bolg like it was nothing, and took the onslaught of primordial runes and and a dozen noble phantasms to even pierce its skin, it was still too quick.
Surely the master would have used a command seal to teleport it away? If not that, shouldn't the servant have some sort of Noble Phantasm? It didn't make sense it Shirou's mind.
Not all battles were long. Shirou knew that from his own war, when he sniped Berserker from miles away, and killed both Caster and Lancer within seconds.
But even so, for a Heroic Spirit, a Berserker; to have died in such a quick way, it didn't feel right, even Gilles de Rais as Caster put up more of a fight. This Berserker didn't even hit the two of them.
"Mhmhmhm." He heard muffling from beside him.
It was Lancer. It seemed like she was telling him something.
"Uh, you can take that off for now." He wasn't sure why he said for now, but he figured that Manaka would have told Lancer to also follow his orders.
Brynhldr plucked the gag off, and Shirou's eyes lingered over the dripping saliva before he remembered that he just killed something, and abandoned those thoughts.
"Ah." She was soft spoken. Fitting, in Shirou's mind. "You shouldn't overthink things Master." She saw his ludicrous look and elaborated. "Master has said that your orders are to be above her own. I am Brynhldr, I wish to serve you both perfectly. Um. I'm sorry. But please be mean to me. If you're nice to me, I'll kill you."
Shirou grimaced at her words for how many layers were on it. And decided to look away to the corpse.
Corpse?
"Wait, shouldn't that thing be gone by now?" The thought came to him absently.
Then Shirou's and Brynhldr's eyes widened as the servant pushed Shirou back.
The shadows that dripped away were gone, revealing a muscled face with a red and black mane.
The shadow being was pierced standing up, and so it was no surprise that they could see it's face.
What was surprising was when it's lone eye showed anger.
Which was exactly why Byrnhldr pushed back Shirou, ensuring that the shattered ice from the monster's flex didn't hit him as she made a wall of fire.
"It came back to life!" He shouted. "But without those shadows... it's clear that's Heracles! But it looks nothing like him!"
The beast was already larger than the original Heracles, but now with the mud no longer clinging to it, it was growing, no, it was simply not being held back by the mud.
"At this rate-!"
The monstrous man stood at full height. The spear that pierced him no longer reached the ground.
"•••••••••"
Chapter end: A mystery to realize
Manaka chapter 1- Realizing that I'm not empty.
The streets were warm, the sky was clear. The rural city was as populated as it could be around this time of day.
For some, it was a sight that they could find normality and comfort in.
Not me though. It was the same, boring sight as always. Even if the people were different and the cars weren't the same.
There was nothing to care about in such a sight.
My sister clung to my side, though not physically, she grew out of that phase, unfortunately. Or fortunately. It was never something to note.
The plain, glasses wearing girl walked meekly, trying not to touch the people passing by.
I however, strove forth confidently, and of course, the meek Japanese people shoved themselves aside for me.
How dull.
They were predictable.
Not a single thing ever deviated from their future.
Even I am not different from them, and I despise it all.
But even that faded to thoughtlessness, for at least if I was not thinking, I could not be bored.
Even my father, who cared for my sister and I, had died. And the sadness I felt that he would no longer tuck us in bed, faded away, for it happened exactly as I saw. Dying, to kill a magus who wanted money.
It would have happened regardless of my actions. No, rather it was because I had tried acting out that I also saw other futures where he died, and became certain that it was predetermined.
Was there a human that could defy fate?
Was there a human that could accept me?
The answer was no. But I imagined it anyways. Because it was an impossible future, one with the least chance of happening.
But it would happen. And the smile I had in that future was certainly fake.
But maybe I can pretend that it matters. And it would eventually be real.
These hollow emotions are all I know. And even a baby's emotions were more real than my own. Certainly, I felt pain, happiness, and anger. But they never lasted. I saw they wouldn't. And I felt they wouldn't. Only Euphoric pleasures were true. Yet, if I were to fall to them, they too, would become as bland as the rest.
Apathy. That was all that always remained.
The joy I had in my magecraft was nonexistent. And why would I need magecraft to reach the root, when I already have?
Why feel happy of events that will play out exactly as they are meant to?
There were things in this world that simply were, and I was one of them.
Anger, was perhaps the truest emotion I felt next to Apathy. For I hated my own existence.
My anger, was not a fire like others. Their fire[anger] would increase and decrease at any moments notice. A wind could blow it out, or it could make it grow. My anger was a rock, that has never grown nor decreased.
But it was there. And I wanted to take that rock[anger] and crush this existence that I knew everything about.
If I could create a future where I foresaw nothing. Then maybe I could feel happiness.
But every future with those attempts failed.
So at least, I'll simply pretend that I love my beautiful sister, who hates being compared to me.
I could not make that love real, because she would never try to make herself better than me at anything.
She was just another human like the rest of them.
I wish I was a human like them. Perhaps, then I could remain oblivious and happy.
I looked across the street where a crowd was gathering.
My sister froze up, she felt the crowd's alarm, but more importantly she saw the reason for their distress.
A body. Flat on the ground.
Tatsumi Kitano. Early twenties. Aspired to be a hero because it was 'right'. Yet doing nothing but living his everyday life. Died saving a child from a car. His heart was stopped from the shock. All he required was a jolt once he reached the emergency room. There, he would gain a mystic eye, but never unlock it.
I knew there was no need to worry. There wasn't even a need to care, and besides, even that crowd would forget about him soon enough.
The crowd would slowly, disperse when the ambulance arrived.
It would happen soon, and we would stay to see it because my sister would be too scared to move.
I moved closer. This would force Ayaka to get closer to me, and I could return home and sleep, because the emotions in those dreams were realer than anything I could feel in reality. Dreams were unpredictable, and it was one of those dreams where a King would create a kingdom of happiness.
But then it was clear to me. Something wasn't supposed to be there.
That's not possible. Because everything was always where it was meant to be.
A red haired boy. With features I've never seen, and eyes full of something I can't imagine.
He pumped Kitano's chest, and used magecraft.
Kitano's heart beated once again.
I... huh?
He's... alive already?
And... who is this boy?
My knees were trembling. And I don't recall a time where that's happened.
What is this boy's name? Does he have family? Does he have a dream? What is his magecraft?
What is his future?
I found myself asking so many questions. I've only ever heard others ask them. I've never asked them myself.
If this...what it means to not know something?
Is this...what it means to be human?
Then...am I human?
I remain frozen, staring at a boy who didn't exist. He waited with Kitano until the ambulance arrived to take him. The crowd patted him on the back and cheered for him...and I wished they moved out of the way.
Is that...anger? Sorrow?
I...didn't want to remain in this state of not knowing. Yet, that didn't mean I wanted to stop being human.
When the crowd clears, the boy walks by to my side on the street.
For the first time. I can't think of anything. I don't know what to do. I don't know what he'll do.
This feeling pooled within my chest. But it grew. And it grew, until I realized that perhaps, this is what it means to not have bland emotions.
A strong desire to know or learn something.
That is curiosity.
Because I don't want to remain 'in the dark', doesn't that mean I have desire? Like how my body desires food after starving?
This boy, no, man, from the way he walks; has made me feel, and in these minutes I felt more than I ever would have even if my hollow emotions through my entire life were combined.
"I love you."
The words flowed out of my mouth before I could stop them.
No, even if I could stop them, I wouldn't.
Because those words, coming to me impulsively...
They were the proof that I was human. That these feelings were real.
And I wouldn't let them fade. Nothing else in the world mattered.