Thank you for bieng so patient with me! Im sorry this took forever and a day to post! Agian Ive used random characters from random animes.
Chapter 3
"Dad. Why are we here?" My daughter whines, as we weave our way through the crowd at Narita National airport.
"I'm nominated for an award. That's why." I say flatly. I'm jet-lagged and in no mood to talk.
"No dad. She means why are WE here?" my son clarifies, referring to his sister and himself.
"Because the two of you know nothing of your heritage" I steer them in the direction of baggage claims.
they groan in unison
"Despite what that Harpy you two call a mother says, you are Japanese" I snap " Matter of fact, you're more Japanese than anything in her muddled blood line" I really wish I had brought them to Japan sooner. Ten years sooner. It would have saved me a lot of bullshit.
If I could go back in time I would do a lot of things differently. I hate the way I left Shuichi, but I don't regret having my children. My father's passing had a rather strange impact on me. One that took me by complete surprise, but I was consumed by it all the same.
I felt a hollowness begin to set, deep in the pit of my stomach. I had gotten what I wanted. I was finally free to have my own life and make my own choices, without the nagging resentment that always followed. But at the same time, I began to understand my father in a way. We may not have understood each other, and he may have tried to force his ways on me, but ultimately he only wanted my happiness. Our only real issue was that he was too deeply rooted in traditional values, and I was a product of the modern era. I was drowning in an overwhelming amount of guilt, being crushed by the sheer magnitude. I had tried to mend things by giving Shuichi the affection he deserved and by being a loving father and brother. As far as I knew at the time, our life was finally going in the direction we had hoped for. Shuichi and I had never been happier, but we had over looked a terrible error.
Against our better judgment, Shuichi and I had decided to take Riku to my father's funeral. When he first came to us Riku was only six, and I don't think he fully comprehended just who I was to him. But, at nine years old and standing in front of my father's ashes, it finally clicked. He never said out right, but he began to avoid me. He would never look directly at me after that, and certainly didn't allow me to touch him anymore. Because of me, he was being forced to grow up with his father's murderer.
By the time I had realized what we had done, it was too late. Riku was becoming increasingly bitter as the days wore on. Shu spent most of his time codling our son. Yes, I considered Riku as my son, but he no longer thought of me as his father. Slowly our lives began to unravel again. I was stir-crazy and in a constant state of panic. My siblings regarded my affections as some sort of coping mechanism, so they pitied me and played along. Shu seemingly remained oblivious but I knew it was just an act to keep me complacent. I was trying anything I could to keep us a float, but I could do nothing. I was facing my biggest fear. I couldn't keep them happy. Every move I made seemed to have some profound effect on our lives. Looking back, I had been searching for an excuse to leave all along.
As I always do when I don't know what I'm running from, I escaped to New York. Drunk and confused I met a woman by the name of Elizabeth Trancy. She was some rich brat from a family of old English money, but we hit it off. We slept together that night, and she became pregnant with my son. Her parents demanded I marry her. Without a sense of direction anymore, I caved. Her father hated me for my race, but tolerated me based on my looks. To make matters worse, her grandfather had lost a leg in Okinawa during WWII. Fan-fucking-tastic! The entire affair was an utter travesty but it felt right, maybe because I didn't want it. I held no feelings for this woman, but at least my father would have approved. I tried to justify it all to myself. Shu would be better off without the psychological trauma I put him through, and I wouldn't have to scar Riku any further. This was the best for everyone, regardless of who I loved.
It wasn't until about a year later, after my daughter Sayu(1) was born, that I realized I had made a grave mistake. I was in the living room of our Manhattan apartment when my son, Alois(2)- trust me I fought to name him something else but family traditions are traditions I suppose- spoke his first word. I had just sat him down and stood up to get a beer, when he said it. Two small English syllables: "Papa" I scooped him up in my arms and excitedly exclaimed in Japanese: "Shu! Did you hear that? He spoke!" But when I spun around it was my wife Elizabeth rounding the corner looking utterly confused. After this incident I swore to teach my children how to speak my native tongue, against her families wishes.
I look back at my children. Their blue and hazel eyes covered in grossly expensive sunglasses. They have that air of superiority that the population seems to be breed with in Manhattan. I'm disgusted by the way my ex-wife and I raised them. I blame myself for not leaving when I had first wanted to. But they were too young and I knew what it was like to grow up without a mother. If I had it to do all over again, I would have left that day eleven years ago.
"Eiri!" I see Mika waving us over above the crowd. "Hey Bro!" Tatsuha shouts beside her. Seguchi slouches further into the lapels of his fur coat, praying no one will notice who he is. He's aged well, but from what Mika has told me he's become self-conscious about turning 45.
"Who the hell is that?" Sayu scoffs as we approach.
"Children" I begin, speaking in Japanese. "I'd like you to meet your aunt Mika, her Husband Tohma Seguchi, and your uncle Tatsuha"
Seguchi gives a slight bow as Tatsuha waves like a moron. Mika bends until she's eye level with my kids.
"It's so nice to finally meet the two of you!" she beams.
"This is my son Alois Trancy Uesugi and my daughter Sayu Akira Uesugi" I finish. Tatsuha gives me an odd look. I know what he's thinking. I can almost feel my son role his eyes, but he politely smiles back at them. I ruffle his blonde hair, messing up the hours it took him to get it 'elegantly disheveled'. Neither of them speak.
"Can they understand us?" Mika smiles still looking at them.
"Yes. We can understand you" Sayu snaps in Japanese. She flips her brunette locks over her shoulder and glares. She's the spitting image of my sister. I smack the back of her head, and she scrambles to catch her sunglasses before they hit the ground. "Uh!" She gapes at me, like she expects me to apologize.
The limo ride to the hotel is silent. The kids have their headphones in, trying to give me the silent treatment. They aren't going too happy when they find out were moving here. My ex-wife sure as hell wasn't pleased with the court's ruling in my favor. Japan does have a superior school system after all, and her prescription pill addiction didn't exactly help her case any.
"Seguchi" I say breaking the silence "I'll need an apartment soon. Since Mitzuki is on vacation, I'll have to ask your assistant to get me the listings in the area"
"Why not just go back to your old place?" Tatsuha asks "since Shu isn't livi- OW!" He bends down to rub his shin, while Mika glares at him and crosses her ankles.
"Of course Eiri" Tohma replies pretending nothing was said "I'll have it for you in the morning"
So Shuichi isn't living there anymore? The deed was still in his name last time a checked. I don't have much time to ponder the possibilities, as we come to a stop. Bellhops descend upon the car, packing away our luggage on the cart. I check in to the hotel and get my children settled before trying to make my escape.
"I have some errands to run. I won't be back before the show, so I'll need you to babysit tonight" I say to Mika.
"Cant. I'll be attending. Ask Tatsuha" she flips her hair over her shoulder and lights a cigarette.
I look to my brother. He has his ass in the air, with his head in the pre-stocked refrigerator. I sigh. "I'm not leaving my children in the hands of that deranged idiot." I retort. "They're damaged enough as it is." Even as I say this, I know I don't really have an option.
"Excuse me!" He resurfaces "I'll have you know, I've babysat for Shuichi hundreds of times." He cracks open the beer in his hand "Someone had to pick up your slack" He mumbles just loud enough for me to hear.
"Fine" I take the beer away from him, and toss it in the sink. I lean around the corner and look into one of the adjoining rooms. Seguchi is perched politely on the edge of the bed watching my son model his black fur coat.
"This is a good look for me, don't you think?" Sayu chirps as she emerges from the bathroom with Tohma's bowler hat.
"No it just makes you look like a dork" Alois stops twirling long enough to flick it off her head.
"Hey." I shout. "I'm leaving. Your uncle is in charge so do as he says… within reason."
"Uncle Seguchi!" My son's bright smile looks hopeful, as he hugs the large coat to his chest. That can't be good.
"No" I watch his face fall into a pout at my answer. I swing back around to the kitchen and stare Tatsuha dead in the eyes. "Don't do anything stupid."
I catch his middle fingered salute as I walk out the door.
I don't know what I had hoped to find by coming here, or what I'm looking for, but the all too familiar sight of my old apartment building has me suddenly nervous. The trip through the lobby and the ride up the elevator is surreal. Not much has changed since Ive been away. I had lived in this building for nearly four years, but today I feel as if Im walking these halls for the first time. Im a little surprised that my key still fits into the lock, but Im shocked by the state of my old home.
Its exactly the way I had left it. All of our old furniture is in their proper places, with the exception of several boxes littering the living room. A few sets of snow skis lean against the side of the couch. A noticeable layer of dust covers the room. I make my way down the hall, passing more stacks of random boxes. I force myself not to look into our bedroom just yet, and head straight for my study. I try to enter but the door can only be opened about in inch. It must be stuck on something. I try again, but its relentless. When I look up, I find a chain lock on the top of the door frame. That wasn't there 12 years ago. Why? Why bard the door for anyone shorter than myself? I don't even think Shuichi could have reached it.
I slid open the latch and step inside. Again, I feel like I've walked back in time. Nothing has been moved: my books, the couch even my coffee mug still sits on the desk.. The dust is thicker in here. The air is stale and hard to breath. Particles float about like old lingering spirits. I sit down in my chair. I'm afraid to look at the mug. I don't remember if I drank it all that day, but the pack of cigarettes I had forgotten still rests next to it. If it wasn't for the blanket on the couch that I don't recognize, I would have thought that Shuichi hadn't stepped foot in this room since I left.
I'm stunned by Shuichi's preservation of my things. Why keep it all. Why wallow through his shitty past? I don't understand it, and each question I have raises further guilt. I have the answers to them but I just can't stand to think it. My heart aches and my airways constrict. I'm beginning to feel a full blown panic attack. I have to get out of here. I have to get away from this room. I'm gasping for air. When I stand I end up knocking the chair over. I jump at the loud clatter as it echoes around the room. I scramble for the door and throw it open. Flinging myself into the hallway, I slam it shut behind me. I want to enter the second bedroom but I cant. I don't have the right to trespass on Riku's memories.
My old room has more boxes, packed haphazardly with random objects, but still all too familiar. I sit on the edge of the king size bed and put my head in my hands. What the hell did I do it all for? I had always bolstered about not being weak, but that was exactly what I had been. I was a coward who couldn't face the prospect that I had created a problem and didn't know how to fix it. Or was it that I knew what I wanted and threw it away before it could do the same to me? I don't know what to take back, even if I could.
"Eiri?" a voice calls. I flinch as I hear the front door close. I don't answer but the foot steps are getting closer. When Tohma enters the door way, he has the sympathetic yet helpless look on his face, which makes me cringe. "Oh, Eiri" he sighs.
"How did you find me?" I ask defeated.
"I suspected you might come here." Its odd to me, and a little off putting, not to hear the trace of smug satisfaction in his voice as he says this.
"Why did he leave?" I blurted. I hadn't realized how much it hurt for Shuichi to leave me behind in this place. "The apartment I mean"
"Too many memories, I suppose" Tohma replies sitting down next to me.
"Then why keep it?" I was getting angry without understanding why. Why? Why? Ive been asking myself this questing since I got here, maybe even since I meet Shuichi. His actions are baffling. If I were in his position I would have been pissed. I wouldn't have re-signed anything and left it in my name, then trashed the fucking place and made me pay for it. That's what I deserved anyway. But, that's possibly one reason why I loved him; I could never accurately predict his next move. I think Tohma even has his own challenges with him for this reason.
"Well" He says breaking my train of thought "He's been using it as a sort of makeshift storage. I think he had planned on turning it over to Riku after graduation but…"
"He didn't want it" I finished with a sigh. So Riku still hates me. I guess thats no surprise. I plug his dad and then ditch him, not the best way win a child's affection.
Tohma smiles at me sadly and flicks his wrist as if confirming my assumption. He folds his hands in his lap and turns to me. "Now let me ask you a question Eiri"
I stay silent waiting for him to continue.
"Why come back ? Why come here? To this place? Why now? What were you hoping to accomplish?"
"You said 'A' question" I snap.
"It's the same question Eiri" And there it is. That smug "I got you right where I want you" voice.
"I don't have time for this shit. I'll see you at the venue" I stand and stomp out of the apartment without looking back. As soon as I reach my rental car I realize; he's never asked me why I had left.
Hours later I sit in the back of the limo with Tohma , Mika, and Sakuma. Ive had a good portion out of the cut-glass bottle of 30 year old scotch, so I'm feeling a little less anxious about the 'Dog&Pony' show I'm about to take part in. I pour myself another glass and down it, as I watch Mika untangle herself from her floor length gilded dress. I bet Sakuma 1,000 yen she busts her ass before we even get to the doors. We lurch forward again, and are now two limos away from the dreaded Red Carpet. I'm not looking forward to this. My first public appearance in Japan in little over a decade, tonight ought to be a riot. I'm just about to pour myself another, when somebody's phone rings. We look to Sakuma, who has his head back, arms spread out against the head rest, while his front vest pocket flashes and vibrates. He bops his foot to the opening sounds of The Rage Beat then exclaims "Oh! That's me!" As he fishes his phone out of his pocket, I finish pouring my drink. Tohma tilts his head and leans forward to catch my attention. "Eiri. Don't you think you've had enou-" He's cut off by Sakuma's fingers being thrust in his face. I laugh silently behind the rim of my glass, at his expression.
"Moshi-Moshi Shu-Chan!" Sakuma sings. He holds the phone flat in his palm and away from his face.
"Ryu?" Shuichi's distorted voice filters out through the speaker, loud enough for the rest of us to hear. I sit up a little straighter gaining interest. "Are you drunk?" Shuichi asks.
"Not at drunk as I want to be!" Sakuma pouts " Somebody is hogging all the liquor!"
"Tohma cut you off, huh?" Shu laughs. I take another large drink at the sound.
"Something like that" Sakuma smiles at me.
"I need your help Ryu! If you can even do anything to help me! Crap. I'm so stupid! I can't believe I didn't make the connection!"
"What connection?" Sakuma asks innocently, grinning wider now.
"I agreed to announce the winner for the category Eiri is nominated for, and I can't back out of it! What the hell am I going to do Ryu? I haven't seen him since he left!"
"Calm down Shu. It's not like he's here" Sakuma rolls his eyes and sticks his tongue out in my direction.
"Oh cut the shit Ryuichi!" Shu shouts on the other end. Sakuma's eye bulge a little comically at his friend's response. "You're telling me that you of all people didn't know he was in town?"
"Well, I had heard…" He flicks his wrist searching for the right word "Rumors"
"Oh God! I am so screwed!" Shuichi sounds like his panicking now. Is the thought of seeing me really that terrifying to him?
"Ryu, you know how I fee-" With a flick of his thumb, Sakuma turns off the speaker, cutting Shuichi's voice. He presses the phone to his hear and turns his back on me. His expression is serious all of a sudden. "I know Shu. I know" His listens to Shuichi speak for a while, occasionally glancing back at me.
"Shu-Chan?" He finally speaks "your performance is before your category right?" He pauses to let Shu answer "Okay so here's what you're going to do after you list off the nominees, if he wins. When he comes to collect the award, you're going to smile and give him a quick hug. Nothing too personal." He pauses again for a brief moment "yes you can Shu. It will be fine. You'll be on live television he can't do anything to you while on camera. Now just listen. After the hug you'll bow, very politely, and exit stage-left. Go back to your dressing room. Wait 5 minutes after he has finished his speech. That way you don't bump into him whiles he's walking back to the audience. Then you're home free! Just slip out the back door." Our limo pulls up to the drop off point. "Oh! Hey I gotta go Shu! I'll see you in a little bit! KLoveYouBye!" He says the last bit so quickly I'm not entirely sure what he said.
Tohma and Mika give me an odd look as they step out into the spotlight. I slam back the last bit of scotch in my glass. Sakuma grabs me by the arm. Looking directly into my eyes he says " I just gave you your one shot to make things right. Don't blow it." He pushes me back with just enough force to knock me off balance, before he exits the car. I step out and try not to look phased.
The red carpet is just how I remember it. The camera flashes are blinding, as photographers and reporters demand our attention. We're animals on display; an exhibit to view. The patrons of our zoo stick their hands through the bar, trying in vain to touch us. Were harassed and provoked from afar, in hopes of seeing a trick, a fight or anything at all.
I'm dodging reporters and other celebrities like I have Alzheimer's, ignoring questions about my sudden disappearance: my past with Shuichi, my marriage, my kids, my divorce. I can't answer them. I can't even accurately answer myself. I pose with Tohma and my sister for a few pictures, as well as another author up for the same award. My limbs are heavy. My head is floating, and I'm well aware that I'm staggering around like a jackass. Sakuma grabs me by the waist to steady me. He masks it by smiling for another camera. The fact that I haven't knocked the living shit out of him should be a testament to my mellowed manner. It kind of reminds me of when I was younger. Ryuichi used to throw me over his shoulders and spins us around until we were both sick. Hard to believe he was bigger than me at one point in time.
Shit. I really am drunk. I chuckle to myself, causing odd looks throughout the crowd.
Before I can register movement, Mika is in my face.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" She hisses through clinched teeth. Her angry eyes and red carpet smile has a disarming effect.
I don't know what to say to her, but just above her head, I notice another limo pull up to the carpet and open its doors. I see a flash of pink, and all hell breaks loose. This narrow little walkway turns into complete anarchy, and we're trapped in the middle of it. Microphones are shoved into my face, as questions are shouted almost angrily. Down at the other end is utter chaos. People are screaming. Crazed reporters are clambering over the barricades. I try to get a glimpse of Shuichi, but he's swallowed by a sea of people.
Tohma is by our side in an instant. Taking Mika by the arm he says, "I think now is good time to head indoors, don't you?" He's eerily calm as he leads my sister toward the building. I feel Sakuma release me and begin to head in the opposite direction. Before he can too far, I grab him by the elbow.
"Where is his dressing room?" I whisper in his ear.
Sakuma pulls back and studies me for a moment before sighing "When you exit the stage, take the stairs to your left. Straight down the hall. 2nd door on your right."
"Thank you" I force myself to say. I guess I still have issues with gratitude.
"I'm not doing this for you" He gently removes my hand. "but you're welcome." He starts to leave again but stops. "Oh, and you owe me 1,000 yen"
"Huh?" I turn in the direction he's pointing, and see Mika gracefully walk through the entrance. "Damn it"
Sexual frustration was a new concept to me, about ten years ago. As a teenager, and an adult in my early twenties, I certainly had enough willing partners. When my emotions began to shut down, and eventually elude me altogether, sex was what kept me from becoming a walking answering machine. Sex was my one connection to the world. While in the act, I was able to feel myself again, at least in reality. Sex was my one moment of temporary sanity.
After I met my wife, sex had no longer brought me the clarity it once had. It was quite the shock for me to learn that what I had once known as a truth was no longer valid. I didn't think much of it at first. I had assumed it was the result of left over guilt, from abandoning my former family. Even though I was married, with 2 children, I often found myself falling back into hold habits. My situation never improved. Unconsciously I was searching for what I had once felt, but was never truly successful. It was hard to realize that by being with Shuichi, I had fundamentally changed. By sleeping with him on a near nightly basis, I had been admitting a form of emotional release I hadn't completely understood.
Never have I been more acutely aware of this fact than at this precise moment.
Watching Shuichi gyrate to the music on stage, I'm overcome by a familiar feeling of absolute carnal lust. A gripping sensation that nearly had me squirming in my seat. I managed to remain still and poised, but just barely. I kept knocking back drinks, watching him prance about in front of the audience. He certainly kept his youthful energy. He's lost some baby fat in his cheeks, but hardly looks any older. His hair is more mature. Mostly black, it still holds his signature pink at the ends. My eyes remain locked to his hips, as they sway to the beat. They seem to move almost of their own volition. I can't look away from his tight leather pants, and that pelvic V line that has become more prominent with his new muscle tone. I'm embarrassed by how easily I'm hypnotized by his movements. I'm overwhelmed by my body's reaction. I've only ever come close to this extreme maybe once in the last twelve years. It's painful yet exhilarating.
All too soon the song ends. The band bows, as Shuichi thanks the crowd. He's smiling and making eye contact with a few members of the audience, but refuses to look at our section. I hear Tohma sigh beside me. He sounds disappointed about something but I couldn't give a shit less, as I watch Shuichi sprint off stage. The lights go out. I take the opportunity to adjust myself, hoping no one noticed. Sakuma said my category is after Bad Luck's performance. I don't know how much longer I can sit here.
I sit through a few categories, trying to calm myself. I clap when appropriate. Smile when the camera passes over. I'm becoming impatient as I try not to drink any more, but I'm already a train wreck by this point. So… fuck it! I'm not even paying attention to the stage at this point. A rather enthusiastic applause catches my attention. I set me drink down and join in. When I look up I see Tohma standing at the podium, looking like a gold and black peacock. I hadn't even been aware he had left his seat. Next to him is Shuichi, in a form fitting black suit and dress shirt with a tie so pink it matches his hair.
"Our next four nominees can certainly be called the literary geniuses of our time. Their novels have not only brought entertainment to millions of readers all over the globe, but have introduced unforgettable characters that we have laughed, cried, fallen in love with, and rooted for until the end. Their stories have opened our eyes and changed our lives, and have now been brought to the big screen!
Shuichi , leans forward into the mic and finishes Seguchi's introduction. "Ladies and Gentlemen the nominees for Best Novel Portrayed by Film are…
A pre-recorded video begins to play on the large screen above the stage, listing our names and playing a short trailer of the movies based on our novels.
"With Teeth :Takano, Masamune" Takano and I are veterans of the Murakama Publishing house. We've known each other for years. He's accumulated his own fan base, and is very credible in his work. He looks well after all this time.
"Pretty Hate Machine: Onodera, Ritsu" Never hear of him.
"Closer: Yuki, Eiri" The camera passes over me. Im calm and collected, as I smile and wave.
"Year Zero: Yanase, Yu"
The audience claps as the video ends. Tohma waves the envelope to quiet the crowd. Shuichi dosnt appear to be too nervous, but his grip on the trophy is turning his knuckles white. Seguchi teases us by opening the envelope as slow as possible. He smiles brightly when the name is reveled. Shuichi grimaces for a brief second, but it catch it. That's it. Ive won.
"Closer by Yuki, Eiri"
The audience Erupts into an ear splitting applause. Fans scream from the balconies. I shake hands with Takano on my way to the stage. I wave politely as I ascend the stairs. People are still screaming. I understand now that, Shuichi and I may have been the only two who were unaware that this meeting was taking place. Well then, if it was anticipated, I can't disappoint my fans.
Once I hit the stage lights, I lock my sights on Shuichi. He and Tohma bow to me as I approach. I wave once more to the adoring screeching parasites, and give a playful smile. Our eyes meet as Shuichi straightens to full height. I'm being pulled forward, almost as if Im caught in his gravitational force. My stance is confident and aggressive as I march toward him. The crowd is getting louder the closer I get and it only fuels me further. I react on sheer impulse, when Im in range enough to catch a whiff of the cheap ass strawberry body wash he's always used. Some things never change I guess. He lifts the award up to me but I ignore it. In on fluid motion I grab the back of his head with my right, yank his hips to me with my left, and force my tongue down his throat.
Silence.
There's a ringing in my spine that reverberates though out my body. He must at have dropped the trophy, as he melts into me. My hands can't stop moving, relearning the routes I've tried so hard to remember. We're breathing each other in as if we've been forced under water and resurfaced just before the black out. I don't know how he's been perceived all these years, or what he's told his friends or the media about how he felt, but now I know his true emotions concerning me.
Tohma is still on stage I'm sure, the audience is still cheering, and the country is still watching, but I don't care. At this moment the only thing that matters is me and Shuichi Shindo.
1. Sayu ( or Sayu Yagami) is from Death Note. Lights little sister.
2. Alois (or Alois Trancy) is from Black Butler season two.