Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Author's Note: Episode three of season three had Artie and Claudia teaming up with Dr. Vanessa to hunt down at artifact that was turning people to clay. This was one of my favorite chapters to write. It's a really humorous one. Plus there's a lot of Artie in it for all of you who like him. Enjoy!

Denial is a River in Egypt

After finishing up everything with the officers, Artie headed over to his car. Claudia was already sitting in the passenger seat. For once he didn't have to go hunting her down.

"Ready to go?" he asked as he buckled his seatbelt. He looked up at her to see her smiling widely at him. "What are you smiling at?"

"You," Claudia said sincerely. "I'm really happy for you."

"Me too," Artie said. There was a smile on his own face as he started the car.

"I knew she'd pick you," Claudia said smugly.

"How?" Artie asked curiously.

"Hugo's fun and everything," Claudia told him, "but you are so much cooler."

Artie chuckled.

"Haha," he said smugly. He was sitting up straighter now. "Take that, Hugo."

"Easy there, Gramps," Claudia teased. "You're gonna give yourself a stroke."

"Must you be so condescending?" Artie asked drily as he put the car in gear.

"Fine, I'll play nice," Claudia appeased. Then she grinned over at him. "Dude, you finally have a girlfriend!"

"She is not my girlfriend," Artie said quickly, turning his head to look over at her.

"You're going out to dinner with her," Claudia pointed out.

"So?"

"And you're buying."

"Because I am a gentleman."

"Sounds like a date to me."

"Well, it isn't," Artie told her.

"Artie, she kissed you," Claudia said bluntly.

"On the cheek."

"I think you blushed."

"She didn't... well, that is... I just..." Artie trailed off as he realized he could come up with no solid excuse. Claudia's smug grin only widened.

"You make a very cute couple," she said.

"We are not a couple."

"So you just let random women kiss you?"

"No!" Artie said indignantly. Claudia laughed.

"She sounds like your girlfriend to me."

"Fine," Artie huffed. "She may, hypothetically mind you, eventually become something resembling... a girlfriend."

"Hah!" Claudia cried triumphantly. "I knew it."

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and began rapidly pressing keys.

"What are you doing?" Artie asked suspiciously.

"Texting Myka," Claudia said innocently.

"No!" Artie said firmly. He grabbed for the phone, but Claudia jerked it out of his reach. A moment of flailing proved that it was impossible for him to find it and still keep his eyes on the road. "Put that away! There will be no texting of anyone about this."

"Alright, alright," Claudia said, sticking the phone back into her pocket. She waited for Artie to return his other hand to the steering wheel before giving him a sideways glance. "You know, I bet Pete twenty dollars that you would buy her dinner."

"What?!" Artie cried indignantly. "You were betting on me?!"

"Actually, we have a whole pool going," Claudia informed him. "Steve said you'd go Dutch to be sure it wasn't a date. Leena said it would be something more romantic like a movie or another walk. Myka thought you'd be too scared, so Dr. Calder would have to do the asking. I guess she won. Pete said you'd just go home with her."

"Really," Artie said drily. "Are you also betting on how I'm going to die?"

"Well, actually-" Claudia began, preparing to make a joke. Artie cut her off.

"For now on, there will be no betting on any matter related to the Warehouse," he said firmly. "Especially my relationship with Dr. Calder."

"Fine," Claudia grumped. She crossed her arms and slumped in her seat, turning to stare out the window. Artie smiled as he soaked up the blessed silence.

Suddenly Claudia looked over at him.

"So when you said relationship," she asked slowly, "did you mean like a relationship relationship?"

Artie groaned. It took all of his will power not to bash his head again the steering wheel. It was going to be a long trip back to the Warehouse.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

"Hello!" Claudia called, swinging the front door to the B&B wide open.

"In here!" Myka's voice called. Before Artie could protest, Claudia caught his arm and dragged him into the living room. Myka, Pete, and Steve were all sitting there talking about something that had Steve looking extremely confused. Leena was sitting at the kitchen table writing what looked like a letter. They all looked up as Claudia and Artie came in.

"Hey guys," Leena called.

"Well?" Pete asked with a grin. "How's Doctor V?"

"Doctor Calder," Artie corrected, "is fine. Now if you'll excuse me."

He turned to head for the door, but Claudia jumped in front from him.

"Not so fast, Mr. Grumpy Pants," she told him.

"We want details," Myka said.

"There is nothing to tell," Artie said, giving Claudia a very pointed look.

"She said he owes her dinner," Claudia said over his shoulder. Artie groaned.

"Ooh," Pete said teasingly. He turned to Steve and held out his hand. Steve pulled a bill out of his pocket and handed it over.

"Told you they wouldn't go Dutch," Leena said with a smile as she stood up and entered the living room.

"So it's a date," Myka said.

"It is not a date," Artie corrected firmly.

"And she kissed him," Claudia added from over his shoulder.

"Cheek or mouth?" Pete asked.

"Cheek," Claudia admitted. "But he blushed."

"I did not blush!" Artie insisted. Unfortunately, no one was listening to him any longer.

"I think it's time for some Relationship 101," Leena said, giving Myka a knowing look.

"I'll get the ice-cream!" Claudia said, holding up her pointer finger and heading for the kitchen. Pete jumped up after her.

"I got bowls!" he added. Artie groaned and sank down into the empty chair.

"Ice-cream?" Steve asked curiously.

"It's sort of a Warehouse tradition," Myka informed him.

"A ridiculous one," Artie said as he rubbed his forehead. "You know, I have been in a relationship before."

"Really?" Steve asked. He looked up at Leena who shrugged.

"I hate to break it to you," Claudia said, coming back with a tub of ice-cream and Pete juggling bowls behind her, "but the rules of courtship have changed a bit since the Stone Age."

"It hasn't been that long," Artie said indignantly.

"Really?" Claudia asked drily. Pete popped the top off of the ice-cream and began scooping some into a bowl. "When was the last time you went on a date?"

"Nineteen ninety-" Artie began.

"Too long," Claudia interrupted. "You seriously need to get out more."

"I get out a lot," Artie told her. Claudia gave him a skeptical look.

"Speaking of living under a rock," she said, turning to the others, "Artie doesn't know what Mary Jane is."

"Are you serious?" Myka asked as she took the bowl Pete handed her.

"What?" Artie asked. "What is it?"

"Weed," Pete wheezed. He mimed smoking a joint. Artie's eyebrows shot up.

"Are you serious?" he asked in shock.

"'fraid so," Claudia said sympathetically. "So when Hugo said he and Dr. V used to hang out in the Dark Vault with Mary Jane..."

Artie's eyes widened even further.

"They did that?" Myka asked incredulously. Claudia nodded.

"Hugo brought it up in front of us," she said with a grin. "Artie asked if there had been a Warehouse agent named Mary Jane."

That caused everyone to burst into laughter. Artie, however, was still in shock.

"I can't believe..." he mumbled. "They really... But she... I don't..."

"Oh yeah," Steve said, picking up a bowl of ice-cream. "This is gonna be fun."

Please review!