Chapter 15: Thank you

Xena POV

The chilly cold air of the night was grazing my face as my eyes looked troublesome through the garden- that magical garden full of black and blood red roses, surreal flowers which he created especially for me back then…

It was mainly the past….that awfully distant past, full of deliriously various memories that was keeping me awake at that late hour… That's why I got outside in the first place, to take a breath of air, hoping that a brief change of scenery would force sleep to come, but it proved that it only made it worse since all possible thoughts were now whirling inside my head, howling like deafening gusts of wind before a powerful storm.

I was sitting on a bank, my eyes half closed when I heard steps. I flinched a bit but relaxed instantly the moment I realized who it was…It could only be him, I could tell it from the weight that he put into them.

"Have trouble sleeping? " I asked, my eyes now searching for his unmistakable silhouette.

Finally, in the dim moonlight, I could clearly see his face, along with that hot, extremely sexy smile spreading on his face.

"I could ask you the same thing. "

His voice was soft and warm, in perfect contrast with the weather outside.

He came next to me on the bank. I arched an eyebrow…He was wrapped in a long, heavy fur cloak just like me…I was so not used to see him affected by the cold….Somehow, it didn't look right.

"It's cold.."He said as if reading my mind."Snow will fall soon…What are you doing here, anyway?" he inquired, wrapping the cloak tighter around him.

"I couldn't sleep."

My reply came almost instantly but my gaze was scouting something- I wasn't sure what exactly it was- far away towards the edges of the landscape.

"Me neither…Too many thoughts…"

"Thoughts… "I repeated slowly after him, like an echo, my mind drifting back at the last events….

"Can I ask you something?"

Despite the fact that I wasn't looking at him, I could clearly feel his gaze on me, and for some unknown reason it was making me shiver. Somehow, he could always get me feel nervous around him…

"Ask.." I said, and while uttering it I was fully aware that it was barely audible.

"Why did you leave back then? "

I instantly turned around to look him in the eyes, completely taken aback by the nature of his question…I wasn't expecting it.

I wanted to answer, but I wasn't sure if telling him the truth was a good idea after all….

I waited while my brain decided upon a decent enough answer.…..

He was waiting too, but my answer never came so after awhile he simply got up, ready to leave when my voice filled the air right out of nowhere, leaving us both as equally surprised.

"It was consuming me.."

I took a long, sad look at his bandaged hand before he turned around to face me, trying to understand the real meaning of my words.

"What we had…it was consuming me.." I repeated returning to some extent his disturbingly drilling gaze. His eyes showed melancholy but they were also filled with passion.

"I've always believed that you left because I denied you an army…I still think it was too soon Xena…You wanted it all too soon…You were too impatient….and stubborn…"

I got up from the bank to face him.

"That too..but… I guess I was actually afraid…."

Now that was not as easy thing to admit.

He seemed intrigued by my choice of words…

"Afraid.. ..that it only took one word coming out of your mouth to make me leave aside any intention of ever avenging Lyceus' death…..I mean …you were so against it…"

"I was against you throwing yourself into a battle head on, while you still lacked the proper skills to do it, Xena! You were not prepared for that…You were still a kid..."

"I know that now, ok? I know….and I made so many mistakes afterwards that I lost count…But I foolishly thought that having a sword in hand and a bit of determination was all I needed.."

"How about us? Why did you leave without saying one word, Xe? Gods I was so mad at you! I hated you for that! "

He was so close to me right now...So temptingly close….And so furious too, that I could physically feel his dark energy touching the surface of my skin…

"Look at you! " I barked " Would you have really allowed me to leave?."

As soon as my words reached his eardrums, I could see it in his eyes….He knew I was right…

"No..you wouldn't have.." I answered in his place.."…Never is the right word forit…So

I did what I thought it was best for me…It was a stupid decision, I'm not going to argue with you on that…My entire life turned upside down as a direct consequence of my youthful impatience; but then again, after Caesar, nothing seemed to matter any more….And then there was Borias, Solan...I ruined everything…

"You changed a lot along the way, though.." he murmured.

"Yeah, I know how much you loved the original…..The reckless and ruthless Xena, your exact copy….."

"I did…at first….You know, when you left I swore that I would never allow you to step on Greek soil again, but on the other hand I was the first to welcome you back, just to find a stranger instead of the real you...I could recognize the warrior, but I could no longer recognize you…. You were so cold…Nothing could please you anymore…."

"I don't regret having changed, Ares….It proved to be a good decision after all…It was a good experience after all…It was good for me. If I had stayed here I would have just gotten stuck in your games, caught up in your obsession for power…"

"Stuck?..Is that how you felt all those years..? Was I suffocating you?"

No…he wasn't..It was just hard to explain it all, and maybe even harder for him to understand.

"Look….it wasn't you Ares..."

I came towards him and looked him straight into his eyes, trying to make him see reality my way. ."…Well not entirely…It was rather your way of seeing things, the expectations you had of me….I was terrified of the idea of letting you down I guess…"

It was true…..I did have strong feelings for him- feelings that I generally saw like an obstacle on my path towards vengeance- , feelings that made me thing twice about everything related to him…

He didn't say anything else so I just got up and headed back to the temple.

"Xena.." his voice finally broke.

I stopped dead in my tracks but I didn't turn back.

"I'm sorry …."

A tear escaped my eye, but I acted as if it wasn't really there.

"Don't appologise….Thanks to you I'm alive now..!"