Chapter 26:Change for you is not an option

Xena POV

"What's wrong?" he asked, eying me worriedly.

I couldn't take it anymore, I felt myself suffocating under his touch.

I got up as fast as I could, surprising even myself. I needed to clear my head. Somehow, everything seemed to have precipitated, it felt unreal…I could almost feel deep down that it was all but a big fat lie…..My imagination was lying to me and it was doing a pretty good job at convincing my stubborn brain that what I had before my eyes was in fact pure and plain reality.

"Xena..did I do something?..Please…Xe talk to me!"

"I can't do this Ares...I can't."

He looked surprised and hurt.

"What are you saying?"

"I…I just can't."

My answer was brief and hasty. There was nothing more to be said. I ran of course, it was better than seeing the disappointment written on his features.

I desperately needed some time to sort things out. Some time alone….

I burst into the inn with a speed that made all eyes turn my way.

"Xena!" Gabrielle yelled somewhere on the background, but I refused to respond. I was not in the mood so I just rushed to my room. I felt like a coward.

"Xena, it's me Gabrielle...I need to talk to you. Are you ok?...Xena?"

"Yes I'm fine...I can't talk right now...later…please."I answered on a low, surprisingly calm tone.

"But Xena…" she insisted.

Stupid tears…ohh how I hated feeling so damn vulnerable. That pregnancy was killing even the last shred of my dignity and self respect.

I lied down on the bed, waiting for Gabrielle to leave.

"Xena…open the damn door!"

I flinched. That was definitely not Gabrielle. It was him...and he was angry…It would have been too good to just let me be.

"Leave her alone, she can't speak right now."

I could suddenly hear an irritated Gabrielle sticking her neck out for me. He wouldn't stop though….That was so much like him!

"Wait a moment, she was with you.." Gabrielle concluded, on a suspicious tone. "What did you do to her?"

"What?...Nohing..I mean..no.."

"That certainly doesn't sound as nothing to me."

"Well I don't care how it sounds...Open the door Xena! Don't make me break it!"

"What's with all this noise?"

At this point I was about to start climbing the walls. Not my mom too!

"Xena..Baby...what is it? Are you alright?"

"What do you all want?" I screamed, finally opening the door, maddened with rage.

"Xena …..have you been crying?" My mother asked staring at me in awe.

"No I did not! " I vehemently stood my ground, and when she didn't mention anything else about it I knew I must have sounded extremely convincing.

"We need to talk!." Ares simply announced making his way inside my room, preventing me to just slam the door in their faces. He did make sure to do it for me though, thus giving us some privacy.

"Now….can you tell me what's wrong with you? What just happened earlier?" he inquired on a sarcastically and upset tone.

I didn't have any idea what to tell him because I simply didn't know the answer to that question myself….I just panicked….Was I supposed to tell him that? It was just that everything felt so wrong. ...After all the cat and the mouse, the games, it was extremely difficult to trust him again because I somehow always ended up seeing everything he did as a possible trap, always thinking one step ahead of him, calculating all the possibilities…and it was too tiresome.

When he realized that I wasn't going to give him an answer, he just added:

"Things were good between us Xena. Why would you…..did I do or say something to upset you…?" His voice was considerably calmer now. He really wanted an answer.

"Just tell me….whatever it is you have a problem with, I can fix it…"

"No..no Ares you can't." I looked straight into his eyes. I could see the shock.

"Yes, I can if you would just tell me.." he insisted, convinced that a bit of effort could make all the difference.

"No, you can't!." I yelled, frustrated by the whole situation "... You can't just change who you are, Ares...it's impossible…You'll always be…"

"What..?..." His tone had changed.

"You'll always be YOU. "

"You gotta be kidding me! Then what the hell is this huh? " he yelled back at me, obviously offended by my insinuation. "What am I doing here with you?"

"Ares..we both know...you can't change….You may think that you do, but.."

"But what? I have changed! Isn't it freaking obvious? How do you think I made it this far through this good for nothing mortal life?"

He was fuming. I knew it from the moment he entered my room that this type of scene was unavoidable.

"You are who you are, Ares, no matter what...The same soulless Bastard that I know so well. And Gods know I do …"

"So all this is related to some stupid misconceptions?

"Misconceptions?! It is the truth."

Now I was furious too.

"What truth for Gaia's sake?...I'm here..mortal..I saved both you and my son. I gave everything for you..and you..Dammit you changed..why not me?"

"Because you can't…."

"Could you please stop it?..Why can't you see me? All the others do! " he shouted again, walking out the door, slamming it with all his force behind him.

I sighed. His last gaze hurt my soul like Tartarus….