AN: A bit of a warning on this one, as it contains mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts. It's in reference to episode 1 from season 5, and I assume everyone reading has watched it, but better safe than sorry!

Also, this chapter made me cry when I was writing… and editing… and just before posting when I did a final read through, just putting that out there. Of course, that could just be me – this story is my baby, sort of, and emotional for me in general.

As usual, I don't own anything related to The 100!

-8-

Clarke is quiet for a long moment, maybe trying to remember those first few days on her own on a desolate planet, maybe trying to figure out how and where to start. Bellamy lets her take her time, keeping quiet and waiting for her to begin.

"Well, first off, the reason I didn't make it back in time was that the satellite dish had to be aligned manually," she finally starts, eyes on her hands which are resting against the leg she's pulled up under her. "The way Raven showed me, with the tablet, it didn't work, so I had to climb the tower to physically move it, and I wasn't even to the top when I saw you guys took off in the rocket."

He has to swallow down the memories of his emotions from that day as they threaten to overwhelm him – anxiously waiting for her to burst through the doors of the lab, desperately hoping to the very last second, until Raven told him there was no more time left and even after that, that she would make it back.

"I wasn't even sure if it had worked… but there was nothing more I could do." She sighs. "So I climbed back down. I could see the wave getting closer, and I ran… I made it back to the lab around the time it hit. I was still affected by the radiation, even with the suit, and it was pretty bad for a couple of days, I was in and out of consciousness a lot."

Bellamy grits his teeth to avoid jumping in with apologies – she doesn't need or want them, and he wants to let her get this out without too many interruptions.

"By the third day, I was starting to get better, staying conscious at least. That was the first time I tried the radio," she continues. "I tried to contact the bunker first, I figured if I could reach them, we could make a plan for how I could get there, get into the bunker and spend the next five years there, with my Mom and the others… But there was no response, of course.

Then I tried the Ring, but you already know that didn't work. For a moment, I panicked, I thought maybe it had all been in vain, that I had been too late or that something else had gone wrong and you were all dead… but I realized that if I went down that road, I wouldn't even make it a week without going insane, let alone five years, so I sort of just told myself that you were all fine, that maybe the communication system on the Ring was shot or that the radiation was blocking the signal or something.

After that, I checked in every day. Just briefly, some days, like I said, but others I'd talk for ages… if I was feeling extra lonely or had something exciting to tell you…"

She trails off, and Bellamy takes the opportunity to get a question in.

"Like what?"

"Well, most of the more exciting things happened after I'd found the valley and Madi, but you wanted to know what happened from the beginning, so let's not get ahead of ourselves."

He chuckles a little at that.

"Right, so, the first month and a half, I didn't even leave the lab. The computer systems – don't even ask me how they survived the wave, I have no idea – they kept track of the radiation levels outside, and they were just too high for me to risk going out there, even with the suit. So I stayed put, tried to plan what to do next… luckily, you guys left behind enough rations to last me for a while, so I didn't have to starve at least. Would have been a little ironic after surviving Praimfaya…"

Bellamy can't help but wince at her words. It had been one of his nightmares, in the beginning – that Clarke had somehow survived the radiation wave only to waste away because there was no food, no water.

"When the radiation levels were low enough, I dug my way out of the lab. Luckily, the water around the island was gone, so I could just walk to the mainland. Otherwise I probably would have been stuck there, the boat was just rubble. I somehow found the rover, which helped a lot, and made my way to Arkadia… I don't know what I was looking for, to be honest, I just had to see it, see what we left behind… But there was nothing for me there but ghosts, and I already had enough of those, so I headed for Polis, where I found the mountain of rubble, of course.

I tried to dig it out for a while, until it almost collapsed on top of me when I shifted something I shouldn't have. That was one of the bad days, when I realized I wasn't going to get into the bunker, when it finally, really hit me that I would be on my own for the next five years…"

Another stab of guilt pierces his heart. He can't even imagine what it must have been like, accepting that. He has to do something, so he reaches out to take one of her hands in both of his, a reassurance both for her and for himself, that she's here, she's alive, she made it. Clarke looks up at him briefly and gives him a weak smile but she moves her hand a little so she can squeeze his back.

"So I was going through my rations quickly, and I knew I had to find something else soon, or I wouldn't make it," she picks up her narrative, in a matter of fact voice that makes light of how dire the situation really must have been. Even now, when she's safe in front of him, Bellamy feels his stomach dropping and he can't even imagine what it would have been like if he'd really been able to hear her back then, listen to her struggle to survive, to find food, water, shelter. Yeah, he decides, that would have been worse than thinking she was dead. The feeling of being powerless, of not being able to help her in any way… He's pulled out of his musings when she continues speaking. "Only, there wasn't anything. The ground was either charred or reduced to sand, the grass gone… the trees that were still standing were burnt husks. All the animals had either perished in the radiation wave or found their ways somewhere else… So I just got in the rover and drove, hoping I would find something, anything really…

After a couple of days, I was hit by a sandstorm, like the one when we were marching from Polis to the valley with Wonkru."

Bellamy remembers – the sand piercing skin like glass, blinding the Wonkru warriors, destroying whatever it could in its path. He thanks whatever higher power was looking out for Clarke that she at least had the rover, that she was protected from the worst of it.

"I didn't know it would be as bad as it was, of course, I'd never experienced anything like it before. By the time it passed, the solar panels had been destroyed and the rover was dead. So I started walking.

Everything around me was a wasteland, nothing but sand as far as I could see. After a week, maybe, I honestly don't know, time started blurring together after the first couple of days, I… I spotted a bird circling overhead and for a moment I thought I had started hallucinating. But it was real. I followed it… and it led me to the valley."

She pauses for a moment, and Bellamy frowns. There's something he can't quite put his finger on.

"You're leaving something out," he says as he realizes it. She's not telling him everything about that day.

Clarke lets out a long breath and meets his eyes. "I just… you don't need to hear it, OK? It was a couple of bad days, but I got through them. I'm fine."

He doesn't respond, just holds her gaze until she sighs and looks away again.

"I ran out of water… I hadn't had anything to eat for days… finally, I passed out, in the middle of the desert. I woke up when a bird was picking at my arm, probably thinking I was dead."

He almost regrets pushing, but at the same time he's glad. He said he wanted to know everything, and he does, even if the image makes his stomach turn.

"I scared it when I woke up, I guess, and it took off, up over a sand dune, and I ran after it, thinking it had to have come from somewhere, and if I could just follow it, I'd find… something. Something other than that damn wasteland.

So I stumbled up that sand dune, and when I got to the top, there was nothing. Just more wasteland, more dunes all around me, sand stretching as far as I could see in every direction. The bird was gone, and I just… I guess that was my breaking point." Her voice is barely audible at the end, her eyes intent on their hands between them, and he can see the tension in her shoulders.

"What do you mean 'breaking point'?" he asks, though he has a horrible feeling he knows exactly what she means.

"I mean I had a gun to my head and my finger on the trigger," she says in a rush, perhaps hoping he won't hear her if she speaks fast enough.

There are so many emotions warring inside him, Bellamy feels like they should be breaking through his skin. At the same time, he's frozen in place, can't even tighten his hands around Clarke's fingers to show her that he's there, that he won't let anything like that happen to her again. That she's not alone, not anymore, not ever again.

"I…" he stutters after a moment when she doesn't continue.

"It's OK, you don't have to say anything," she replies, her free hand coming to rest on top of his hands where they're encircling hers. She's comforting him. The thought is laughable, but there's nothing to laugh about.

He wants to pull her to him, wrap himself around her and never let go again, so he can keep her safe, but he knows he can't. So he settles for enveloping both her hands in his, his grip probably too tight, but she doesn't complain so he doesn't let go.

"Why didn't you do it?" he asks after a moment, and maybe it's a stupid question, but he needs to know.

"The bird came back," she replies simply, and he realizes that he that had been waiting, hoping, maybe, for an answer along the lines of 'because of you'. Which of course is selfish and wrong, but it's not like he can help his feelings.

"And led you to the valley," he continues for her, and Clarke nods.

"It did. After that, it was plain sailing, at least compared to the first couple of months."

"And you had Madi."

She nods, a smile making its way onto her face again at the girl's name. "I did. Well, it took her a while to warm up to me, but just knowing I wasn't the only living being on the planet was a huge comfort even before she did."

"Really? I would have thought she'd be ecstatic to have someone else around after being alone for months."

"Well, I could probably have handled things a little better than I did," she admits. "I spotted her one day, while I was on the radio, actually, and I was so relieved to see another human being after so long of being on my own that I chased after her, which scared her, obviously. And then when she finally stopped, I asked her if she was a nightblood, which, in retrospect, big mistake."

Bellamy frowns at that. "Why? She must have figured out there was a reason she survived the radiation wave when nobody else did? Wasn't it obvious that you were a nightblood too?"

Clarke actually laughs at that. "She was six years old, Bellamy, just a kid. All she knew about being a nightblood was to hide when her parents told her to so the bad men wouldn't come and take her. So when I asked her about it…"

Realization dawns on him. "She thought you were a Flame keeper who had come to take her to the conclave?" he guesses.

"Yup. I was so distracted by her that I stepped into a bear trap she had set to keep me away, and when I did, she rushed me with a knife of some sort, yelling die Flame keeper. And that's how I met Madi."

"God, Clarke, I had no idea it was that bad. And I forced her to…"

"No!" she cuts him off. "We've already hashed all that out, remember? No take backs. And as Madi told me, you didn't make her do anything, she took the Flame voluntarily."

"Can I just say that I get why you reacted the way you did?" he insists. "I know I said I already did, and that was true, but I understand it better now."

Clarke offers him a smile. "Yes, you can say that, and thank you."

"So, after that, when Madi started trusting you…"

"It was a good life, I guess. Simple, in a lot of ways. There was already fish back in the lake when I made it to the valley, and a lot of berries and nuts and things like that, so we had plenty to eat. The kind of life I think a lot of us thought we'd have when we first landed." She frowns a little. "But for me there was always the worry about the bunker, about you guys up in space, somewhere in the back of my mind, tainting it in a way… and there were still bad days. Madi got sick about three years after Praimfaya, really sick… we'd both had the occasional cold before that, and some stomach bugs, but that time it got really bad… I'm pretty sure she developed pneumonia, and I honestly thought I was going to lose her for a day or two before it finally turned… that's one of the days when I was glad you couldn't hear me, I was so mad and I took it out on you, on the radio…"

"I wish I did hear you," Bellamy disagrees. "I could have talked you down, maybe helped you through it easier."

Clarke's mouth quirks up a little at his words.

"Of course you would have. You did, really, even if I couldn't talk to you, just having the radio helped… But apart from that, yeah, it was good. We fished, and when the animals started returning we hunted. We picked the berries and the nuts, found some fruit eventually, apples and pears, and tried some farming, with… varying results. I tried to give Madi some sort of education, teaching her what I remembered from the Ark, so it's pretty patchy, but the basics in English, math, biology… even some history, though I always imagined you shaking your head in disapproval whenever I tried my hand at that particular subject. I was never very good at names and dates."

They both laugh at that, and somehow the heavy feeling that has been lingering in the room since Clarke's admission of her near-suicide lifts, if only a little, and Bellamy feels like he can breathe easier.

"I think you did a good job with her," he says. "She's clearly a smart kid."

"I don't think I can take all the credit for that, she was pretty smart when I found her," Clarke replies with a smile.

"Still, you did good."

"I guess I kept her alive at least, that's something."

"That's everything, Clarke."

She just sighs in response, eyes falling to his hands, which are still wrapped a little too tightly around hers. He lets them go, thinking that perhaps she needs a little space, but when she doesn't move away from him, he finally gives into the urge that's been building since they sat down and wraps an arm around her shoulders so he can pull her against his side.

Clarke lets out a breath and tucks her head against his shoulder, sort of curling around him, her hair tickling his chin a little. She takes his free hand in hers, playing with his fingers, tracing patterns against his palms, lost in thought.

"I talked to you too, you know," he says after a long moment.

"Hm?" she replies, eyes intent on a vein on the back of his hand which she's letting a finger run along. Up and down, up and down. He tries to ignore the electricity that shoots up his arm at her touch.

"Not… I didn't use the radio, obviously, Raven probably would have locked me up if I tried that, thinking I had really lost it," he continues. "More… in my head. I'd talk to you when I was trying to make tough decisions, solve problems… you always gave great advice."

Clarke laughs a little at that, and finally stops exploring his hand, instead interlacing her fingers with his.

"I'm glad imaginary me was at least believable," she notes.

"Yeah, I'd like to think my imagination was pretty spot on," he replies. "It was just… after a few years, it got hard to remember the tone of voice you'd use when you were annoyed at me, or the way you used to roll your eyes… I was afraid I'd forget you completely one day."

He still remembers the absolute panic that had surged through him the day he'd been unable to recall the exact blue shade of her eyes. It had been Raven that handled that one, too, talking him down and promising that they wouldn't let Clarke be forgotten… she really had been right about being the one to pick up the pieces.

"I know what you mean," Clarke mumbles, her breath hot against his chest. "I drew… the one plus side of a burnt planet is there's a lot of charcoal. There were some empty notebooks in the lab that I brought with me when I left and then I tried to draw everyone I wanted to remember… I used the drawings when I told Madi stories about all of you."

"So that's how she recognized us when we landed," he realizes.

"Yup, I'd turned you into a bedtime story with illustrations." She sighs. "But there was so much I couldn't put down on paper… different colors, all I had was shades of black and grey… and like you said, voices… there are things about them that I've forgotten, my dad's favorite song, he used to hum it under his breath all the time but I can't remember it… the shape of his eyes, Wells' laugh, Finn's jokes, Lexa's intensity… it hurts, to know that a part of someone is lost forever because I can't remember it."

Bellamy feels a lump in his throat at the indirect reminder of all the people he himself has lost… his mom, he's not even sure he can remember her face properly anymore… all the kids lost at the Dropship, Jasper, Gina… he used to hear her voice in his head sometimes, way before Praimfaya, when he did something he knew she'd disapprove of. Really, Blake? You thought that was a good idea? But it's been years now…

"They are still here, though," he says, voice barely above a whisper. "They'll always be with us, you know that."

He hears her sniffle a little, then the wetness of tears as they seep into his shirt. He tightens the arm that's already around her, pulling her impossibly closer, and buries his face in her hair, breathing her in. She turns her face into his neck, her fingers curling around his shirt, holding tight.

He has a moment's warning by voices in the corridor outside the apartment before the door opens to reveal Raven, Jordan and Shaw right behind her. He can tell that she's about to say something, probably something teasing, but she must notice the expression on his face – he knows there are tears in his eyes even if they haven't escaped yet – or maybe the sound of Clarke's ragged breathing, because in the end she doesn't say anything, she just crosses the room and climbs onto the couch behind Clarke. He feels her arms sneak between them, so she can wrap both around Clarke's waist, and she leans her chin on Clarke's shoulder.

"Everyone OK here?" she asks quietly after a moment, and Clarke lets out a watery laugh.

"I guess things got a little emotional," she notes before letting out a deep sigh. "But this is nice." She lifts one hand from Bellamy's shirt to wrap around Raven's forearm where it's resting against her stomach, but doesn't move in any other way.

And, yeah. Bellamy wouldn't mind staying just like this for however long he can get. Clarke's story is still running through his mind, the images it invoked counteracted only by her warm presence next to him, a physical reminder that she's really here with him.

That he never did lose her.

AN: There we go, hope you liked it and if you did (or didn't) – let me know! Reviews are always appreciated :) Coming up in the next chapter our friends will finally be leaving the ship to start exploring this new planet!