Friday 7th October 1999
Dear Diary,
During the last few days, I have been eating rather well, and it has been gloriously relieving. I seem to have gathered together some of the motivation I'd lost, and I'm determined to kick this out of my life again. From where this motivation has come, I'm not completely sure, but I can't begin to explain how wonderful it feels to be nourished and to eat in response to my body's needs. I hope that I can hold on to this. There are still poisonous, bad thoughts flashing across the good ones, but I am finding it easier to ignore them and push them back.
For example, this evening I found myself eating an enormous meal at dinner. It was no doubt my body's response to having been starved. This is something I had to remind myself as I ate, and later as I sat in my room massaging my bloated stomach and trying not to think about my go to solution in times like this. When it became too much to bear, I went to the bathroom intent on bringing it all back up, but something deep down stopped me. Instead I picked up my toothbrush and proceeded to clean my teeth more thoroughly than I have in all my life. I must have been stood there for twenty five minutes or so, brushing and brushing, reaching all the tiny spaces that usually get missed and glorifying in the sense of purity and cleanliness. I didn't stop until the bloating had subsided enough to let me think of other things, and the minty fresh taste in my mouth stopped me from acting upon any thoughts that lingered. You see, I can do this. I can and will be healthy. I must.
Sherlock Holmes
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