Music In Our Hearts

Chapter 4: This Love

"So, Buff... Willow says it's okay to talk about you and Faith now." Xander said. "That you know we know?"

Buffy had recovered from the pneumonia she had caught while on the ground in the cemetary, but the pain of losing Faith wouldn't dull. Not in the slightest.

"Yeah. I know." Buffy said, her voice cold and emotionless.

"You wanna talk?"

"No."

"Okay. Okay. Just checking." Xander fell silent for a minute. "'Cause, you know, I'm here for you. If you ever need to talk."

"Thanks, Xander, but I don't want-"

"Because, you know, I've always found that talking to people when you're down helps. At least a little."

"Well, like I said, I don't-"

"It's great when you have someone to talk to. 'Cause you know you can tell them everything, and you can, I don't know, share whatever burden you're carrying, or whatever."

"Xander, I really don't want to-"

"It's a great relief, I guess. When you've got friends you can count on. Friends who won't let you sit around all gloomy and depressed. Friends who will stop at nothing to help you get to feeling better, help you get back on... whatever horse you tried to ride but failed."

"Xander, if I start talking, will you please shut up?"

"Scout's honor."

"Were you even in the scouts?"

"No, but... Okay, I promise. How's that?"

"Better." Buffy sighed as she started talking. "So, you know Faith and I are... were... have been dating in secret, which apparently wasn't that big a secret after all, for about five years."

Xander nodded, but otherwise didn't interrupt. These were the first words anyone had gotten out of Buffy about Faith since she recovered from pneumonia two months ago, he wasn't about to ruin it.

"Well... Faith... she... she always wanted to tell everyone... but I wasn't ready... I was never ready. We... I was in love with her... and I couldn't even tell my friends about it." Buffy started choking up. She had already admitted to herself that she had made a big mistake. It was her fault Faith was gone. "I should have said something... back then... I loved her, I did... and she loved me, I know she did. She did so much for me, and I couldn't even do one thing... Not one single, stupid... stupid, fucking thing. All she wanted was for me to say it out loud where everyone could hear. All she wanted was for you all to know... so she wouldn't have to hide... so we wouldn't have to hide.

"She never understood... and now I don't either... how Willow could face her fear, and come out and say she's gay out loud... but I couldn't... It was just such a stupid fear... It doesn't make sense... not to Faith, not even to me... But it was real. I tried... I tried to say it... but I just... couldn't... We fought so much... And I hated it. We hated fighting, but it was all we could do was fight anymore. She finished high school, got good grades, worked her ass off to go to U.C. Sunnydale, and I couldn't even say three words... I love Faith. I couldn't even say it to my friends and family... Now... Now, if I could go back... I would take her to the center of the mall, with everyone around, and I would jump up on a bench or something cheesy, but romantic like that, and I'd scream it. I'd just scream it out as loud as I could, get everyone's attention, and just kiss her. I'd just kiss her."

Buffy fell down face first into Xander's lap and started sobbing again. He pulled her up and hugged her tight, not letting go.

"It's alright, Buff, just let it out." He said, and she just kept crying.

"It hurts! So much!" Buffy screamed, and continued weeping.

"She was so high, I did not recognize the fire burning in her eyes, the chaos that controlled her mind." Xander said, almost humming a sad tune. "Whispered goodbye, she got on a plane, never to return again. But always in her heart." Unlike the other sings Buffy and Faith had done, this song had no music accompanying it in the background. But they both still felt the compulsion to sing.

"This love has taken its toll on me." Buffy said, her voice still breaking. "She said goodbye too many times before."

"And her heart is breaking in front of me, and I have no choice, 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore."

"I tried my best to feed her appetite, and keep her coming every night. So hard to keep her satisfied. Kept playing love like it was just a game, and even though I feel the same, she turned around to leave again.

"This love has taken it's toll on me. She said goodbye too many times before."

"And her heart is breaking in front of me, but I have no choice, 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore.

"I'll fix these broken things. Repair your broken wings, and make sure everything's all right."

"Her pressure on my lips, sinking her fingertips into every inch of me, because she knows that's just what I need. But this love has taken its toll on me. She said goodbye too many times before."

"And your heart is breaking in front of me, and I have no choice, 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore."

"This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye too many times before. And my heart is breaking in front of me, and I have no choice, 'cause I won't say goodbye anymore."

The comulsion faded, and all Buffy was left with was the feeling of emptiness that only Faith could fill. Buffy once again sobbed into Xander's shoulder, and he hugged her even tighter.

Meanwhile...

In L.A...

"Faith? What are you doing here?" Angel asked when Faith showed up on his doorstep.

"Hey, Angel... Think I could crash here tonight?"

"Of course. What's going on?"

"Nothing." Angel saw the lie in her eyes. Her eyes which were red from crying. But he understood that she didn't want to talk about it.

"Okay." He said softly, then ushered her inside gently.

"Look, just... Just don't tell them I'm here, okay?"

"Tell who?"

"Giles, Willow, Xander... B."

He noticed the hesitation when Faith said her nickname for Buffy, as if she was the one Faith was having the hardest time saying goodbye to.

"Why are you running away from them?"

"Never said I was. Just need to... just kinda need to do my own thing, that's all. Just found myself in L.A. Wasn't really a conscious decision, or anything. Just kinda picked a road, and ended up here. Knew you were here, so I looked you up."

Angel looked her dead in the eyes.

"Faith... Talk to me. Why are you running?"

"Look, I... I don't wanna talk about it... You wouldn't understand."

"I definitely understand being in love with Buffy."

Faith glared at him in shock.

"Wait, what?"

"I can see it in your eyes. You have the same face right now I've seen in the mirror many times since I left her."

"Well, all that proves is I miss someone."

"True. But you more than miss someone. You're in love with someone, and I'm willing to bet that that someone is Buffy. You hesitated earlier when you said her name. Means it's hardest to let go of her. So tell me, why are you trying to let go of her?"

Faith's eyes teared up, but she refused to let the tears fall.

"Why'd you let her go?" Faith retorted.

"Because I wasn't strong enough to see Buffy getting hurt all the time. I couldn't take it anymore. But you're stronger than I was, so you can't use that excuse."

Faith turned away from him.

"Fine... If you're not going to leave this alone, it's 'cause I keep getting hurt. For five years, I've been getting hurt. And I could have taken it, maybe even kinda enjoyed it, if I knew she was there beside me... But she wouldn't even... And I fought for her... Did everything she wanted... Went back to school, got my diploma... Even went to college with her so we could be together. But she couldn't even bring herself to say three words to her friends."

"What words?"

"I love Faith. That's all I wanted, was for her to tell her friends we were together. I didn't want anything else from her, other than for her to love me, but she did that. I know she did. But... heh. And the kicker is, apparently, they knew all along, they were just waiting for her to tell them. We coulda been together for real for five years, but Buffy was too afraid of what they'd think of her." Faith let a whimper escape unintentionally. "I loved her... I still love her... and I know she still loves me... but... I can't keep living like that... Buffy being afraid of what her friends think. Sure, they know we were together, so that's not an issue, but Buffy's not willing to face her fears... not even for us..."

Angel couldn't think of anything to say, so he didn't say anything, he just let Faith ramble on and on, as she couldn't seem to stop.

The song used in this chapter is "This Love" by Maroon 5. Okay, so I did some big-time changing of lyrics, but it was only so the song would suit the characters who were singing it, being Xander and Buffy. Anyway, hope you like it.