" I'm sorry." The utter sincerity in his eyes sent a bolt straight to her heart and it broke a little for him in that moment. "She had no right to barge in here like that. But, all the same, I should probably explain some things to you, Liv. All I ask is that you wait until I'm done explaining to kick me out.

She wanted to ask him why she would possibly be driven to kick him out but she bit her lower lip and quieted her spinning thoughts. "Sure. Just let me go change, okay?"

"Yeah, sure." Elliot said, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands and sighing deeply.

Olivia stood from the couch and walked towards her bedroom, the satin of her robe brushing against the middle of her thighs and causing Elliot's stomach to clench. As she walked away he let his mind wander dangerously close to all the images and thoughts he had denied himself over the years. Now, here he was, in her apartment while she wore nothing but a robe as his marriage was crumbling around him. He should be upset, distressed, panicking even that his family, his foundation is falling apart but in the stillness of the morning in Olivia's living room, he can't help but feel that another puzzle piece is about to fall into place. He just hopes she feels the same.

When Olivia returned, it was 15 minutes later and the sun was now glaring through her East facing windows. "Sorry," she ducked her head slightly and smiled. "decided to take a quick shower." Elliot couldn't quite take his eyes off his partner of twelve years. She looked so beautiful and relaxed in her gray leggings and over-sized NYPD sweatshirt that had been cut at the neckline so it hung seductively off one of her shoulders, revealing the shoulder strap of the black tank top she wore underneath. Her hair was damp and starting her natural waves gave her a rustic, wild look and Elliot fell a little harder.

"Do you want some tea?" Liv asked, moving towards the stove to set the kettle on.

"Tea? Really, Liv? You still drink that stuff?" Elliot smirked. "I'll start some coffee."

The two detectives moved easily through a seemingly synchronized dance through Olivia's kitchen as they each made their morning drinks. An outsider would have thought they had perfected their movements over years the way he handed her the honey with his left hand as she held out the coffee filters with her right.

Olivia was trying very hard to keep her mind off the impending conversation. She had a feeling that whatever Elliot was going to share with her about the state of his marriage was going to shift the dynamic that they had so carefully repaired after her return from Oregon. She hated to think that she may lose him again to his brooding emotional, nature but she wouldn't blame him if she did. Elliot's family had always been his cornerstone. His kids kept him sane when things at the station got too crazy and Kathy had always been there to listen about the difficult cases…right?

"Okay," Olivia half said and half sighed as she sat down with one leg tucked under her on her plush white couch. "so, do you want to start at the beginning?"

"Honestly, not really," Elliot chuckled. "Can't I just sit here and somehow you just read my mind like usual and understand everything I need to tell you?"

"Ah, well that technique may work in the interrogation room, but I'm afraid when it comes to marriage, I'm a little lost."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You'd be better at it than you realize." Olivia gave him a sideways glance at this but Elliot ignored her and continued. "So, where would you like for me to start? There's a lot of ground to cover here."

"I just want you to tell me whatever you feel like you need to tell me."

"Okay, well, do you remember when Kathy and I were seriously considering divorcing?"

"Sure. Couple months before she got pregnant with Eli." Olivia answered.

"Yes. Well, the day she told me I was pregnant was the day I was going to tell her I wanted to finalize the divorce. We had been in this holding pattern for so long, denying the fact that it really was over between us while at the same time, using each other when we needed someone." Elliot dipped his head down at this and paused, running his hand through his hair to gather himself.

"When she told me she was pregnant" he continued after a few seconds "I wanted to throw up. I know, that's terrible. I mean, I love Eli, I really really do but I did not want to be a father again. Not with her. It made me sick just thinking about raising another kid with her and having to deal with her moods and the fights for that many more years. That's when I realized that I just needed to end it permanently. That we were truly playing games with each other but she didn't want that. She begged me to stay with her. I can't blame her, she was scared being pregnant at her age and she didn't want to raise Eli alone. I get that, I do but I felt like my life and all the things I wanted for me were slipping away." Elliot's voice caught in his throat momentarily and though he tried to cover it with a cough, Olivia knew that he was struggling.

Liv moved her had from her lap and rested it on his shoulder briefly before rubbing his back a couple times and returning it to her lap. This brief contact strengthened him and gave him the confidence to continue.

"I kept my apartment in the city. I don't know why, but after I moved back home, I just couldn't find it in me to get rid of it. It was my sanctuary. I would go there after a tough case and just be without chaos and fights and all the things that come with being married to Kathy. I know, that sounds awful and I know that I should have been a better husband and father but I was miserable." Elliot took a breath and continued.

"She found out about the apartment a couple months into her pregnancy. She was angry, really angry. But for the first time in our marriage, I didn't back down. I told her that I couldn't do it anymore and we decided to separate again. I've been living in the apartment for the past few months an d even now that Eli is born, I still haven't come home. Liv, I know this makes me sound like a terrible person and I know you're going to be mad that I didn't tell you sooner but you have to understand that the last thing I want is for you to see me like this. I'm your partner. I'm supposed to be strong enough to protect you but I haven't even been able to be man enough to care for my family."

Elliot dipped his head again and shook slightly. Olivia took his prolonged silence as an opportunity to inject.

"Elliot, why did Kathy accuse you of having an affair with me if you were already separated?" That question was burning in Olivia's mind. She couldn't understand what right Kathy had to be so upset with Elliot this morning. After all, in Olivia's mind, she had been the adulterer.

"That was one of our conditions to the separation and me keeping the apartment. We decided that we would finalize the divorce once everything was a little calmer and Eli was older. Until then, we decided that we would wait to see anyone else before the divorce was finalized and that I would not spend time with you outside of work."

"Why?! I don't understand." Olivia's eyes were wide and full of anger and confusion. She had always fought for Elliot and Kathy's relationship, always supported it.

"Kathy's always been afraid of our relationship, Liv. It's not you, it's her. She will always jump to the extreme when it comes to you and I."

Olivia, suspicious that there was more to that statement than Elliot was sharing at the moment, decided not to push the issue right then. She sat up a little straighter, pulled her hair into a ponytail and reached for her tea. She had just taken a sip when a knock at the door startled them both.