Music In Our Hearts
Chapter 12: Say Something (Part 2- Hope in Front of Me)
Before I actually begin this chapter, there may or may not have been some confusion concerning the previous chapter (Say Something Part 1). I know that the chapter title suggests a song called "Say Something", which I'm sure everyone's familiar with by now, and yet, there were actually two songs in that chapter, neither of which had anything to do with "Say Something". My reason for doing that is because that chapter, and this one (which will also not contain the song "Say Something") are leading up to something big happening, which will trigger the song "Say Something" to be sung by- (What? You didn't actually think I was going to give that away, did you?) In any case, here's chapter 12.
So, basically, it's up to me and Faith to fix this mess. So what else is new? Buffy asked herself. Faith was pacing nervously around their room back at Buffy's house.
"I don't get it!" She said, frustrated. "I honestly can't think of anything that I'm actually mad about! You know, other than this whole situation. The singing, shit like that. But that's not on you! And Red said that she cast the spell so you and me would fix things between us! I'm not really mad about anything anymore! I mean, the only things I've ever really been mad at you over have been fixed. I was pissed that you never noticed me at first, but then you told me you were in love with me! There! Problem fixed! Then I was pissed that you weren't willin' to tell everyone about us, but everyone knows now, and you're not tryin' to hide anythin'! There! Another problem fixed! I don't have any other problems!"
"Faith, please just calm down." Buffy said, and Faith took a deep breath.
"Sorry. I'm just freakin' out, is all. Didn't think I'd ever have to worry about burstin' into flames unless I got turned into a vamp or somethin'. But mostly, I'm terrified that you're gonna bite the dust. I mean, think about it, most of the songs that have gone on around us, you were the one that started them. That means you're probably closer to bitin' it than I am, and that fuckin' terrifies me."
"I know, Faith. I understand. It's the same for me. I think... I think we should just try to be completely honest with each other right now, and tell each other every single thought that we have until we get the spell broken. Maybe something will just slip out, and we'll find out what's really going on, and we can fix everything."
Faith sat down on the bed in front of Buffy and nodded.
"Right. Okay, so... where do we start?"
"Um... I don't know... Um... Maybe... Maybe we should just talk about stuff. Like... us related stuff. Like, maybe start remembering everything. Thinking back to when we first got started. No, even further back. Maybe we should talk about everything from the very beginning. Like, before we even met each other. Faith... Can I... I mean... will you... Will you tell me about your past?"
Faith looked away, and the silence between them was deafening.
"B... Let's... Please... No... I just..."
"Well, for all we know, that could be what's keeping us under this spell!" Buffy exclaimed. "I don't ask about your past very often, but even when I do, even when I'm fishing for the smallest of details... You always shut me out. I don't know if I'm mad about it enough for that to be what's holding us under this stupid spell, but... I just... I want to know you... I want to know where you came from. I want to know everything about you, Faith. Please... Is it really that bad?"
Faith remained silent for a long time. Finally, just when Buffy was about to give up, or shout, Faith responded.
"No. It's not that bad. And yes, is. But in the best and worst ways... It's too painful to remember."
"Well..." Buffy said softly, holding Faith's hands in her own. "You have to face that pain some time. You can't move forward without remembering where you just were. I think I heard something like that in one of Willow's rambles about her Intro to Philosophy class at UC Sunnydale."
Faith smiled slightly, but the smile faded quickly.
She looked up, into Buffy's eyes, and barely whispered, "You really wanna know?"
"Yes." Buffy replied.
"What do you wanna know?" Faith asked, giving in.
"Everything. Good and bad. I want to know everything."
Faith nodded. "You don't know what you're askin' for, B. But... I'll do my best... For you."
Buffy returned the nod. "Start at the beginning." She suggested.
Faith took a deep breath. The tension in the room couldn't be hacked apart with a lightsaber.
"Everything was pretty fucked up in my childhood. Bad. I, um... I started out a lot like I imagine you were, real young. A real girly girl. Light sundresses and dollies. A real happy-go-lucky kid. But... Then my dad... He lost his job, cause the company he worked for went bankrupt, so we lost our only source of income. He started takin' work where he could get it. Mainly doin' odd jobs for people. Didn't get paid well. We lost our house. It was a good house, too. A little bigger than this one. I still don't know what exactly he did before he lost his job. I think it was insurance or somethin'. I don't know. Anyway, he couldn't handle the fact that he went from bein' pretty successful to on the lower rungs of the financial ladder. He couldn't handle it. So, he turned to the bottle. He became an alcoholic. He stopped lookin' for work, and just sold all of our stuff so he could get a carton of cigarettes and a couple bottles of whiskey. When we didn't have anythin' else to sell, he just left. My mom blamed me for him leavin'. Why, I don't know. But she did.
"We would've died of starvation if she wasn't a looker. We were out beggin' for scraps one day when some guy came up and offered to pay a hundred bucks for ten minutes of time in the sack with her. She took the deal without hesitation. Became a hooker after that." Faith paused. Buffy knew she was about to get to a bad part. She continued after a few minutes. "At least with her new 'job', we had some kinda income. With what she was makin' nightly, she could afford a small apartment and some food and clothes. She bought the cheapest clothes she could find, for both of us. That meant gettin' t-shirts a couple sizes too large for me and callin' them dresses. She bought herself extremely revealin' shit, so she could attract more customers. One night, she brought one of them home. They were negotiatin' on the price when I walked into the room. Told her I was hungry. She smacked me and yelled at me not to disturb her when she's doin' business. It wasn't somethin' I wasn't used to. She found every excuse she could to beat me. Lot of times, she just made one up.
"Well, then the guy she was negotiatin' with asked her somethin' in her ear. I couldn't hear what, but suddenly, the prices they were namin' were a lot higher than they had been."
"Oh god!" Buffy put her hands over her mouth. "She didn't!"
"Yeah. Next thing I know, they settle on a nice price of five hundred bucks, and I'm layin' on the bed, screamin' while the guy slips my shirt off over my head and pulls down my underwear. He wasn't gentle with me. He was very rough. He treated me like some common street whore." Faith choked up, and tears started rolling down her cheeks. She was rocking herself back and forth, her arms around her knees, like she was trying to close herself off. "It hurt so fuckin' much! I was only ten fuckin' years old!" She screamed.
Buffy tried to put her arms around Faith to comfort her, but the raven-haired Slayer flinched away. Instead, Buffy just sat back down and listened some more.
Faith kept rocking as she continued. "So, I lay in bed all night screamin' and cryin' 'cause I'm hurtin' deep inside. I felt like I was ripped apart from the inside out, and I'm bleedin', and nothin' I do helps with the pain. I didn't even get to eat that next night, my mom brought two customers home. It was the same thing then. She took one of them back to her room while the other one had his way with me. She got paid seven hundred total that night. Five-fifty was for me, the other one-fifty was for her. The next night, it was the same thing. It was the same thing night after night for three fuckin' years. She paid the rent on the apartment every month, got us both some nice and revealin' clothes so we looked cheaper, and drew in more lusty men, and she put food in the house. The rest of the money, she spent on drugs and alcohol. Eventually, 'round the time I turned fourteen, she got me on them. Both the drugs and the alcohol. By then, I was already used to my new life as a fuckin' prostitute. My mom started sellin' me for more so the men could do strange things to me. Real fucked up stuff that I couldn't even imagine if it hadn't been done to me." Faith's shoulders were shaking as she remembered it all. "Eventually, around the time I turned fifteen, I just went out and started sellin' myself. Kept the money myself. Thought, as long as I'm havin' to let guys I don't even know fuck me, I might as well get somethin' out of it. That was the first time my mom ever actually respected me. She realized that I was willin' to do whatever the hell it takes to survive, and that I'm damn sure gonna get what I deserve. But then... around the time I turned seventeen... I came into my powers. I never knew what I was, never knew I was anythin' special. Not until then.
"Then, I met my first Watcher. She was kind of a hard ass at first. Later, I found out it was because she didn't like the situation I was in. Anyway, she found me, took me back to the apartment and talked to my mom. They started discussin' the price for me and shit, so I thought she was just gonna be another customer. I'd been fucked by girls before, so it wasn't anythin' new. So, I just went into my bedroom and stripped down to my bra and thong, then lay down on the bed, waitin'. Diana came into the room and shrieked." Faith chuckled slightly. "I've never heard anythin' so high-pitched in my life. She threw my clothes at me and told me to hurry up and get dressed and get packed." Faith fell silent.
"What is it?" Buffy asked.
"She wasn't payin' for some time with me in bed. She was bribin' my mom so she could get me out of there. I'm not one to miss an opportunity, so I went willingly. She trained me for a while, and I actually felt like she cared for me. It was a nice change. Then... Kakistos killed her. I lost the only person I ever cared about besides myself, and I lost the only place I ever called my home. Those few months with Diana were the happiest moments I'd ever lived, and like that," Faith snapped her fingers, "they were gone. That's when I came here. Diana had told me about this Slayer who actually worked with humans in some place called Sunnydale, California. Said she'd died, but was brought back to life somehow, and still had her powers. So, I figured I'd go there and see what all the fuss was about."
Faith fell silent again, then wiped her tears away with her hands.
"Anyway, you know the rest." Faith finally looked up at Buffy and saw that Buffy was in tears as well. "Oh, come on, B. That was my life. Not yours. Besides... It was my life. But not anymore. I'd say things have improved a bit for me." Faith smiled at her reassuringly.
"It's just... I never knew..."
"Yeah, well... That's my fault. I kept shuttin' you out, like you said. But... But now you do. So... hopefully..."
"No, Faith... I mean I never knew how strong you really are." Faith looked at her in surprize. "I mean... You were in this terrible situation... Beyond terrible... And you took it and fought for a better life. You just fought tooth and nail, refusing to give in to the darkness. You did what you had to to survive, but you were always looking for something better. You never stopped yourself from hoping. And I'm so grateful for that. Because if you'd given in... I'd never have known you. And I'd never have loved you."
"I just... I was so afraid you wouldn't like me anymore... if you knew."
"Oh god, Faith..." Buffy pulled Faith in and hugged her tightly, refusing to let go. "I could never stop loving you. If anything, I love you even more now. Because you let me in. You shared that with me, and now I know how strong you really are."
Faith broke down again, sobbing into Buffy's shoulder. So many emotions warred within her. Hurt, pain, anger, grief, but most of all, relief. Her tears drenched Buffy's shoulder, and her body was nearly vibrating as she cried.
"I've been runnin' through rain that I thought would never end," Faith said through her sobs, "trying to make it on faith in a struggle against the wind. I've seen the dark and the broken places, but I know in my soul, no matter how bad it gets , I'll be alright." Her voice gradually went from choking out words to singing as music started somewhere. It was a somewhat melancholic sound, but somehow, felt hopeful.
"There's hope in front of me. There's a light, I still see it. There's a hand still holdin' me, even when I don't believe it. I might be down but I'm not dead. There's better days still up ahead. Even after all I've seen, there's hope in front of me.
"There's a place at the end of the storm, you finally find, where the hurt and the tears and the pain all fall behind. You open up your eyes, and up ahead, there's a big sun shinin'. Right then and there you realize you'll be alright.
"There's hope in front of me. There's a light, I still see it. There's a hand still holdin' me, even when I don't believe it. I might be down but I'm not dead. There's better days still up ahead. Even after all I've seen, there's hope in front of me.
"There's a hope still burnin'. I can feel it risin' trough the night, and my world's still turnin'. I can feel your love here by my side. You're my hope. You're the light, I still see it. Your hands are holdin' me, even when I don't believe it. I've got to believe I still have hope. You are my hope."
Buffy had never felt so happy before. Faith's confessions left her feeling like, for the first time in more than ten years, there was actually hope for the future.
"God, I love you, Faith." Buffy whispered to the raven-haired Slayer.
Faith nodded, exhausted, and she fell asleep pressed against Buffy's chest, listening to her heartbeat. Buffy slowly laid down on the bed and relaxed. And she, too, fell asleep, holding Faith tightly.
...
"So, Faith and I had a bit of a heart-to-heart last night." Buffy said when the entire group met up at the Magic Box the next day. She was sitting on Faith's lap with her arms around Faith's neck.
"And...?" Giles asked.
"And then Faith sang. It didn't break the spell, but the... issue we talked about... it was the only one we have. I just wanted her to open up to me about some of the things in her past, and she did. Problem solved, but no broken spell." Buffy didn't really sound disappointed. She looked into Faith's eyes and smiled at her, and felt the smile returned.
"Hmm... This is becoming rather irritating. Willow, are you sure that something else might not be fueling the spell?" Giles turned to the redhead.
"I'm positive. I cast the spell to try to help fix all of Buffy and Faith's relationship problems, so they could be happy together. There was no other motive for the spell, or anything."
"Well..." Buffy started, "What if, maybe, the spell backfired a little, or something... Maybe someone else has problems that they need to fix before the spell will wear off."
"Well, there's my magic addiction, but I'm getting control over that. Giles is going to send me and Tara over to England to train with this coven of witches over deal with natural magic and stuff like that. We can learn a lot from them, and they promised to help me get control of my powers and deal with the addiction. So that's not really an issue anymore." Willow said, and Tara nodded in agreement.
Buffy turned to Giles, and everyone else followed his gaze. "Don't look at me." He said. "I'm not even engaged in any romantic relationships. If Willow cast the spell to fix relationship issues, then it would appear that I would not be affected by it. I haven't even sung any songs as of yet."
Then everyone's eyes turned to Xander and Anya. "What?" Xander asked. "Oh! No, no problems here. Everything's peachy-keen." Xander smiled.
"Yes. He is very satisfying in bed." Anya said, nodding in agreement, and Xander face-palmed.
"Well, what else could there be?" Faith asked. "Someone's got to have issues with someone. Otherwise, this musical would have hit its curtain call by now."
The song in this chapter is "Hope In Front Of Me" by Danny Gokey. I really like this song, and when I heard it on The Blend last night (SiriusXM- channel 16), an idea for this chapter kind of popped into my head. Hope you liked it!