'We are in deep shit'.

Fili had taken his stare away from the ponies, turning to look at me with an almost horrified look. 'We are what?' His blue eyes darted to the floor, which was covered in moss, wood chippings and dirt. 'We are most definitely not'.

'This is the snakes fault,' I said with venom, ignoring him. 'If that snake hadn't attacked me, then we would know what took the ponies'. We stood in a line. First Kili, then me, then Fili. The oldest of us all had his eyes darting around at every part of the clearing, trying to spy out any clues. Other than the massive broken tree and the missing ponies, of course.

Kili was being all brooding, with his mouth set into a firm line, and his dark eyes staring straight ahead. He was hardly even moving. Huh, normally he'd be snickering at my profanities.

'I think Kili's had a stroke,' I whispered.

I was ignored, but at that moment, the sound of large feet approaching caused me to turn around and spy out the beautifully ignorant Bilbo. In his hands, he held to wooden bowls filled with soup.

'One of those better be for me,' I said lightly, though there was a fair warning behind the words. One of those better be for me.

Bilbo had stopped behind me, and looked back and forth between Kili and Fili, who had not yet turned around. 'What's the matter?' he asked slowly, still holding the soup toward the Dwarves. Jeez, if they don't want it, I'll have it.

'We were supposed to be looking after the ponies,' said Kili quickly. The stoic expression was gone, and now he looked a little like he was hyperventilating.

'Only we've encountered a...slight problem,' edged Fili, half turning to the confused Bilbo.

'We had sixteen'.

'Now there's fourteen'.

'Whoops'. I stepped forward. 'Best see which ones you two idiots have lost then,' I said airily, approaching the huffing ponies. It wasn't like I was very fond of the sneezing creatures, but hey, I'd rather ride a pony than walk to this Smaug.

'If it wasn't for you,' said Kili, stepping after me. 'We would have seen what did this, and could have maybe prevented it!'

I whirled around to face him. 'A snake jumped out of a tree and attacked me! It's not my fault you came running after me. You're just bitter because Uncle Dearest is going to be miffed at you'.

I realize now that I had been unfair, but, let's be honest, do I seem like the well-tempered type?

Kili threw his hands up, storming past me and into the heard of ponies. 'Next time then, I will not bother coming to your aid!'

Fili gave a sharp clap of his hands. 'Will the both of you please shut up?' He sighed, then looked to his brother. 'Which ones are absent, Kili?' I silently fumed, both tired, hungry and annoyed at the fact that I had caused this problem. Another great reason for Thorin to think of me as useless.

Kili silently counted to himself, then said, 'Daisy and Bungle are missing'.

'Oh,' said Bilbo, following us along, still holding the soup. I made a small grab for one of the bowls, but he moved deftly to the side. 'That's not good. That's not, uh, good at all'. I glared heavily at him, my stomach rumbling quietly. 'Shouldn't we tell Thorin?'

'No!'

'Er, no,' agreed Fili. 'Best not worry him. As our official burglar, we thought you might like to come into it'.

Bilbo looked very much like he did not want to 'come into it', and despite feeling like Fili and Kili were getting him to do the dirty work, I couldn't quite bring myself to offer myself to look for the ponies.

'Uh, well, it looks as if something big babooted these trees,' he began following Fili further down into the wood. I followed suite, sending Fili a miffed look and a flourish of my dark hair. Not seeing a stray hollow in the ground, I did trip over lightly, but we'll ignore that fact.

'That was our thinking,' agreed Fili.

'Something very big,' said Bilbo, stopping short to stare at the splintered tree. 'And possibly quite dangerous'. He still held the soup, and I wondered how he had not yet spilled it.

'Millie,' said Kili, and I turned to face him. He'd stood behind me, eyebrow quirked and my bag in one of his hands. He held it out to me. 'You left your bag behind,' he told me. There was a hint of teasing on his voice, and that only made me more annoyed.

I took the bag from his hand none too gently. 'Thank you,' I said sweetly, putting the bag across my shoulders.

'Wait!' started Fili, falling into a quick crouch. 'There's a light over there'. He turned to spy out his brother, who quickly joined his side, and they both hurried over to hide behind a log, pulling the cautious Hobbit along with them, who still balanced the soup neatly in his hands. I paused, then followed them, narrowing my eyes hard at the canopy of trees.

'I don't see anything,' I told them. Kili grabbed me roughly by the arm and yanked me down beside them. All anger disappeared into butterflies and unicorns as I found myself squished between himself and Bilbo, but more specifically, him. He half looked at my wide eyed stare, gave me an odd look, and then continued to glare out at the trees.

Smooth.

'That would be because you were looking in the complete wrong direction,' he pointed out quietly, his other hand still firmly holding onto my arm. 'There,' he said, and raised a finger in front of me to point at the orange glow that was hidden - but seen - within the trees. Not only that, but loud laughing could be heard from the spot, and not the pretty, My Little Pony kind of laughing.

'That's unnerving,' I whispered.

'What is it?' asked Bilbo, at the same octave level as me.

Kili pulled me to my feet and began pulling me backwards, uttering one word. 'Trolls'.

As we darted back the way we had come, my mouth had fallen open. 'No way,' I gasped. 'Trolls? Oh that is nasty! Are we talking like Harry Potter troll, or those weird toy ones that you can get with the whack hair?' I turned back to find Bilbo hobbling back to get the soup. 'Bilbo!' I whispered loudly. 'Enough with the soup!'

Kili pushed me against the boulder, and I realized that we had brought ourselves closer to the supposed 'trolls'. He looked straight at me, putting a finger to his lips, and peered around the rock, turning his back to me and successfully trapping me. Fili and Bilbo soon pushed themselves against the rocks too, just as something large, heavy and smelly came bumbling past his.

Kili pushed me further against the rock, but I managed to catch a glimpse of the grey skinned brute. The shock hit me like a thousand water balloons. It had been the first creature that I had seen in Middle Earth. 'I think I'm gonna hurl,' I muttered wildly, clenching my eyes shut.

'We have to do something!' whispered Bilbo.

The brothers looks at Bilbo, eyes alight with a new idea. Kili pulled himself away from me, and I slid down the wall, feeling rather ill. 'Yes!' whispered Kili enthusiastically. 'You should! Mountain trolls are so stupid, and you're so small-' Bilbo began waggling his fingers, catching on. '-They'll never see you!' insisted Kili. 'It'll be perfectly safe, we'll be right behind you-'

'If you run into trouble,' cut in Fili, grabbing Bilbo by the arm and pushing him along. 'Hoot twice like a barn owl, and once like a brown owl-' With that, he swiftly pushed the poor Hobbit over the rock and after the troll, who carried the two snorting ponies.

Kili turned to me and yanked me off of the ground, to which I groaned at. 'Come on,' he whispered, and we scuttled through the wood, away from the now alone Bilbo and the- the trolls.

'We can't leave him!' I insisted quietly, once were arrived back at the other ponies. 'He knows as much about this stuff as I do!'

'But he's little,' pointed out Fili. 'And quiet. He'll be fine. Anyway, we'll go tell Thorin now, that way if he does run into trouble, we can catch them unaware, can't we?'

Kili shot his brother a look. 'We're going to tell Thorin?'

'Yes'. As we hurried back to camp, Kili peered curiously at me. 'Are you alright?' he asked, worriedly. 'You seemed quite-'

I waved a hand, swallowing away my fear and my sickness. 'I'm fine. I just wasn't expecting to run into trolls anytime soon. You know, not exactly on my bucket-list or anything,' I gave a nervous, hysterical laugh. Fili and Kili shared a short, startled look. 'They are just ponies, we could have just left them, you know,' I pointed out.

'Thorin wouldn't have liked that,' said Fili, and I had to agree.

The camp was laughing and eating, with Nori being the center of attention. Once we approached them, the whole camp quietened down slightly after Thorin asked, 'What is the matter? Where's the Halfling?'

Kili opened his mouth, but Fili stepped forward, cutting off his brother. 'Two of the ponies were taken,' he said. 'By trolls. Mister Bilbo is currently attempting to take back what was taken'.

'Trolls?' asked Thorin, standing. 'Mountain trolls?'

The brothers nodded, and I stayed behind them, my stomach churning.

Dwalin stood next. 'Well, come on then lads,' he said loudly, and the company burst into a frenzy of spilling soups and gathering weapons. 'Mister Baggins is in need of our aid, is he not?'

I was glad that he'd decided to get the rest of the Dwarves going, because Thorin looked like he was having an internal battle with himself. Finally, after feeling my gaze on him, Thorin's harsh eyes sprang up to my face, as everyone else made themselves busy. 'I suppose you were the one that distracted my nephews from their job?'

I broke my gaze away from his, stepping back and turning around. I'd felt guilty, ashamed, and a little embarrassed. Had they all thought that I was utterly useless, and just a simple, distracting child?

I was, but that was beside the point.

Minutes later, the Dwarves were circling the area. Kili, all the way, had been badgering me to stay hidden, but I had insisted that they give me any old weapon and I help save Bilbo. 'I can duck if they try and hit me,' I told him. 'Come on, one more Dwarf will only help, won't it? I can't make anything worse'.

Kili gave me a pointed sideways glance.

'Well, yes, I probably could - but I won't'. I watched as the Dwarves all dropped into a crouch and went their separate ways, all according to the plan that Thorin had made. 'Come on,' I said. 'Time to whoop these trolls butts'.

The trolls were making a lot of noise, so as I perched behind a bush, I was quite distracted. We were told to wait until Kili jumped out, distracted the trolls, and then the rest of us were to, like, jumped out of the bushes like raving idiots.

The trolls were calling after Bilbo, who, I saw, was ducking around and avoiding their large, grasping hands.

'I can't believe I'm seeing this,' I muttered. 'Shouldn't you be going?'

He was looking at me, all dark and smirking. 'As Milady says,' he drawled, still crouching beside me. With lightening speed, he took one of my hands and pressed his lips to the inside of my wrist, his insanely smoldering gaze not leaving mine once. His breath tickled me, and I practically choked on my own tongue. With that, he grinned, yanked his sword from his belt, and jumped through the bushes, yelling, 'drop him!'

And I had promptly turned to a mess of smiling jelly. Very pink, very warm smiling jelly.

I scrambled to my feet upon hearing the roars of the Dwarves as they sprung form the bushes, attacking the three trolls. 'Oh, bloody hell,' I muttered, yanking my 'sword' (the thing was barely even a dagger, as it had belonged to Ori) from the belt that kept my breeches up. 'This is all the snakes fault,' I'd grumbled, and then had thrown myself through the bushes, and smack bang into Dwalin.

The bald Dwarf had given me a half-look, and then suddenly thrown me sideways, out of the way of a large, grey hand that smacked the ground where I had been standing.

There were Dwarves at every turning, and I had to force myself to twist my way through them, wary of the swords that were jabbing at the trolls. The trolls, yes. They were big, ugly, grey and were like nothing I had ever seen. For a moment, I had wondered if this whole ordeal - everything - was a dream. Then I came to my senses, and ducked from the soaring hand of a troll.

These Dwarves, who were, admittedly, all equally emotionally challenged and grumpy, suddenly turned into warriors once a weapon was thrown into their hands, and I couldn't help but be awed and impressed.

'Oh, a lady!' said a particularly 'special' sounding troll. 'I love the taste of a lady. Sweet and soft - she's mine!'

It's probable that my face had taken on a look of utter horror and repulsion, and that my shout of, 'you what?' matched my expression perfectly. A tree trunk-like leg had smacked down to the right of me, and I quickly jabbed my only weapon deep into the calve. Which, of course, meant no more weapons for Millie. 'Er-' I turned and ducked out of the way, tripping over the fire and nearly falling face-first into the embers. 'This is all Peter Jackson's fault!' I'd screeched, spinning rather ungracefully away from the flames.

The troll behind me squealed in pain, and I was about to make my ungraceful way over the Bilbo - who was trying to free the ponies - but at that moment, one of the trolls burst forward, knocking many of the Dwarves aside, who each smashed straight into me. I groaned very loudly, just as the whole of the battle drew a sharp quiet.

'Bilbo!' shouted Kili, just as Balin gave me his hand and pulled me up. I was herded to where the Dwarves were all standing, and they unconsciously pushed me to the back.

I still saw him though - Bilbo. He was held by two of the trolls, his little arms and legs in each of their grasps, ready to be yanked straight off should any of us make the wrong move.

I'd felt sick at the thought of what would happen if they pulled.

'Lay down your arms!' said a troll, looking especially pleased. 'Or we'll rip his off!' The other trolls giggled and snickered, all very happy with the sharp turn of events.

The pause in which none of the Dwarves dropped their weapons had me looking around incredulously. 'Thorin!' I whispered, outraged. A few glanced at me, but Thorin stayed perfectly still. I could practically smell his glare - I had been the recipient of it many a time.

Finally, the Dwarf stabbed his sword roughly into the ground and, thankfully, the others followed suite quickly.

'You know,' I had started conversationally, distracting myself from the foul smelling sack that I had been forced into. 'I've never met a troll before, not where I'm from. I've gotta say, this isn't the best first impression'.

I was trapped between Oin and Kili, the latter who shot me a wry look. The others who I was imprisoned with all wriggled pathetically, desperate to free themselves. Opposite us, were the ones who were to be cooked first, spinning lazily above a spitfire.

'Oh my God. What the heck was in this sack before me? Because, seriously, that doesn't even smell remotely edible,' I gagged, forcing my nose as far away from the inside of the sack as I could.

'Be quiet, lass,' grumbled Oin.

I struggled to send him an angry look, seeing as I was sort of trapped inside a sack, as I have said. 'What? I plan to annoy these trolls as much as I can before they eat me, Oin. I might even start singing the Hoedown Throwdown, and trust me, you're gonna want to be alive for that'.

Oin considered this, then nodded. 'When you put it like that, please, carry on, Lassie'.

I coughed dramatically, then bellowed out, 'Pop it, lock it, polka dot it-!'

I was cut off by one of the trolls grumbling something along the lines of, '-Dawn ain't far away, and I don't fancy being turned to stone!' To which everyone froze and shared uncertain, hopeful glances with one another.

'Boy, do I smell a plot twist!'

'Wait!' shouted Bilbo desperately, wriggling in his sack. The trolls paused to stare at him, gormless. 'You are making a terrible mistake!'

'State the obvious,' I said, tutting to myself. 'Why didn't I think of that?'

'You can't reason with them, they're halfwits!'

'Halfwits?' said Bofur. 'What does that make us?'

'Qaurterwits?' I suggested.

'I meant with the, er, with the seasoning,' added Bilbo, now standing and hopping over to where the trolls were preparing their meal. There was a brief pause, in which I let out a loud snort. 'Have you smelt them?' he said, leaning forward. 'You're gonna need something stronger than sage when you plate this lot up,' he said.

All amusement gone, I yelped, 'I beg your pardon?' While the test of the Dwarves shouted in offence and objection. Just what the hell is Bilbo playing at, saving his own behind?

'Shut it, dessert!' ordered one of the trolls, its bulging eyes spying me out.

'...Did it just call me dessert?' I cried, kicking my feet out hard.

'Let the, uh, let the hobbit talk,' insisted a troll, leaning toward Bilbo, its interest captured.

'Now,' started Bilbo quickly. 'The, er, the secret to cooking Dwarf-' a pause in which he considered his words, then carried on. 'Is to-' Wait a second. '-Skin them first!'

'Mate,' I muttered. 'That would take forever-'

...

Ooooooooh.

The Dwarves around me erupted into outrage, all cursing Bilbo and the trolls. I had tried to tell them, honest, but since I had received the title of 'Nonsense Talker', no one would listen to me!

'What a load of rubbish!' spat the troll, turning the spitfire. The sun better be coming up soon, because those Dwarves are starting to look a little overcooked. 'Nothing better than a bit of raw Dwarf,' said another troll, reaching down into the pile of us. Kili did something then, that nobody else had ever done for me. Despite the fact that his brother was about to be cooked, and soon, himself, he rolled over, half covering me, his face buried in my hair.

He had hidden me from the trolls view, ensuring that I would not be picked from the pile.

I didn't want to point out that the trolls weren't going to eat me until after they had eaten everyone else, because he had just made sure that I wouldn't become Millie Mozzarella.

I couldn't think of another word that began with 'M', sorry.

Once Bombur had been pulled from the pile, I stared incredulously at Kili, who pulled away from me, dark eyes more intense and more, I don't know, there than I had ever seen them before.

'Thank you,' I whispered, but my voice was drowned out by the sound of Bilbo yelping,

'Not that one! He-he's infected!'

'He what?'

'He's got worms,' Bilbo insisted. 'In his...tubes'. The troll quickly threw Bombur back toward us, and directly on top of me. Bless Bombur, he was a large man, so, of course, the hit did hurt quite a lot.

'No!' I yelped, drowning in a mass of ginger hair. 'Man down! Man down!' I was sure, at the time, that I would die by Dwarf Suffocation. 'Code red, I repeat, code red - help!'

Bombur wriggled off of me and directly onto Oin, who gave a great huff.

'I can breathe,' I gasped.

'-In fact,' carried on Bilbo. 'They all have. They're infested with parasites, it's all very terrible business - I wouldn't risk it, really'. He shook his head, as if to prove his point. Although I was still mourning my aching body, I'd almost applauded Bilbo on his quick thinking.

'We don't have parasites!' yelled Kili, looking the most offended that I had seen him. 'You have parasites!'

'Mature,' I'd quipped.

'Parasites!' said Oin, along with all the others. 'We do not-'

Thankfully, Thorin gave the group a swift kick, his face impassive, having also caught onto Bilbo's plot. 'You guys are bloody idiots,' I scoffed. 'Well, I have parasites!' I insisted loudly. 'I have parasites so big, that I named them! There's Clive, Leon, Stevie-'

Soon, the rest joined in, finally catching on.

'...I've got parasites as big as my arm,' said Oin.

'I've got parasites, I've got huge parasites! I've got the biggest parasites!' yelled Kili.

'We are riddled with parasites!'

'Yes, yes we are!'

'-Linda, Brianna-'

'What?' said a troll, staring down at Bilbo. 'You want us to let them go? This little ferret is taking us for fools-'

'Ferret?' yelped Bilbo.

At that moment, Gandalf did some crazy opera singing or something, so much so that I could barely understand what he'd said. He'd popped out of nowhere, standing on, what I liked to call, Pride Rock. The sky was lighting behind him, and it all looked pretty epic.

Kudos to you, Jackson.

With a strong - for an old man - jab at the rock with his staff, Gandalf split Pride Rock into two, and from behind there poured a vast ray of morning sunlight. I cringed back, not yet used to the light, and when I opened my eyes, the trolls were made of solid, grey stone, all stuck in their last positions.

'Shit,' I mused. 'It actually worked'.

The Dwarves shouts of glee and laughter were agreement enough. Heck, Thorin's smile simply proved that Bilbo had done well, though I doubted that he would voice it.

Minutes later, we were all untied and happy to be so. The laughter stopped short, though, when Thorin said something along the lines of, 'there must be a cave nearby'.

'And that means?' I asked, curious.

Kili glanced sideways at me, and I reminded myself that I needed to thank him for what he had done. His smiled toothily. 'Treasure, Millie. It means treasure'.

Well that was a whopper to write.

I can't believe I'm almost on 100 reviews, I'm honored and chuffed and dgfhcjvkbnl. I can't believe how positively you guys are responding to a little idea I had while falling asleep, it's amazing.

Keep reviewing and all that jazz!