"Elliot!" Cragen called. Elliot turned around to face his Captain. "She can't be involved until it's over. They'll kill her."
Elliot nodded weakly. It was all he could do just to stay standing at that point.
Elliot took his time climbing the stairs to Olivia's apartment. The ache in his thighs was a reminder that he had not yet gone totally numb and he relished the way the slow burn overtook his thoughts as he climbed the four stories to her door. He didn't even bother knocking. It was past 1 a.m. though he knew she wasn't sleeping. He simply took out his key and opened the door.
Olivia was sitting on the couch with her laptop on her lap and the notebook she used to jot case notes in next to her on the couch. He knew she was probably trying to help with the case. She jumped when he closed the door behind him and before he could turn around she was standing in front of him, silent, eyes desperately searching his face for some hint of how the case was going. He lost himself in her eyes and sunk into her arms without a word.
Olivia held him as his body trembled and shook with quiet sobs. His stoic, stony wall was crumbling at Olivia's feet and her heart was breaking for him. She supported almost his full weight when his arms went limp and his legs just couldn't do it anymore and practically carried him to the couch. Once she had gotten him to relax back into the white cushions, Elliot began to regain control of himself.
Olivia brought him a glass of water and sat down next to him, angling her body so she could give him her full attention. He drank the whole glass gratefully and set the glass down gently on her coffee table. Leaning back against the cushions again, Elliot placed the heels of his hands on his eyes and rubbed as if he was trying to squash any remaining emotion left inside.
"El," Olivia whispered, her voice a small but beautiful comfort to his weary heart. "what's going on? What do we know?"
Elliot just looked at her, speechless, and shook her head. Captain Cragen had only told him that she couldn't be involved. He hadn't said she couldn't know what was going on but Elliot knew the two were one in the same. If Olivia knew why his kids were missing, she would not only be absolutely devastated and broken, she would also turn into the stubborn, obsessed, down-the-rabbit-hole detective that had helped him solve their toughest cases. However, this time he knew that he would never be able to keep her safe or get his kids back safely if she ran at this case with emotional blinders on. No, she couldn't know anything.
So Elliot did something he had never done before. He lied to Olivia.
"We don't know anything more than we did this morning." He rasped, and laid down on the couch, mentally and physically exhausted.
Olivia studied Elliot. There was something else. She knew him well enough to know when he was trying to protect her. She'd seen it dozens of times between him assigning her a police detail or withholding information from her, she knew the look he got in his eyes when he was scared for her. She just didn't understand why she was seeing it now.
"Elliot, are you sure?" Olivia asked, cautiously.
"Yeah. Are my girls still here? I need to see them." Elliot deflected her question with practiced ease.
"Mo and Katie are asleep in my bed. Go ahead, they tried to stay up for you." Olivia responded, still watching Elliot's eyes.
He stood up from the couch to walk into the bedroom, but stopped and sat back down. He took Olivia's hands in his and looked her straight in her beautiful brown eyes. "Liv," he started "thank you." Olivia was taken aback but only momentarily. Elliot had been much softer lately with her and though she was still trying to get used to it, this new Elliot was becoming his normal state. "Thank you. I could not do this without knowing that you and the girls are safe. You're my foundation, Liv and I know that's a lot of pressure that you don't need but it's true." Olivia nodded and smiled shyly up at him.
She opened her mouth to say something but he stopped her by placing a hand on her cheek. "Olivia, I know you know this but I haven't said it out loud because I was afraid to scare you. Commitment is not exactly your favorite word. So I want you to know that even though I am saying this, you shouldn't feel obligated to say anything back." Olivia stared into his eyes, knowing what was coming but not truly believing it.
"I love you, Liv. I have for a long time but today has made me realize that life doesn't guarantee us any happy endings. I love you so much that I can't sleep sometimes because all I want is to be holding you. There are days when we would be sitting alone in the squad car and I would think that maybe, just maybe, if I leaned over and kissed you, you wouldn't shoot me. But I never did anything about because you never deserved to be the other woman. You are much more than that to me and nothing would have ever made me put you in that position."
Olivia had tried, when he had first begun, to keep the tears at bay. They now rolled freely down her cheeks and dropped gently onto her legs. Elliot tried to brush them away but she turned her head to try to hide her emotion from him.
He placed a hand under her chin and turned her face back up to look at him again. "Liv, when you were hurt, I thought I had lost you. I want you to know that whatever happens with Lizzie and Dickie or this case, you will never lose me. I will always be right here, loving you with my whole heart."
With that, he stood up from the couch and walked to her bedroom where Maureen and Kathleen were sleeping. Olivia watched him go, too stunned to speak, with tears collecting on her cheeks again. Her heart was so full of every emotion possible. She felt so whole in that moment, a feeling that she was completely unfamiliar with. She clutched a throw pillow to her chest and dipped her head down so her chin rested on the soft cushion as if trying to keep her heart inside her chest.
When Elliot emerged from speaking with Kathleen and Maureen, he looked even more disheveled, if that was possible. Olivia had composed herself a little bit but was still struggling to push down the lump of emotion in her throat. Elliot didn't look at Olivia, who was in the kitchen preparing herself a cup of tea, when he walked back into the living room. He simply sat back down on the couch and waited for her to join him. She brought him a cup of tea as well, though she knew he wouldn't touch it, and sat down next to him.
"How are the girls?" She asked, blowing on the top of her mug to cool her tea.
"Better than I expected. You've taken really good care of them today. Thanks, Liv." Elliot could not have been more sincere which made Olivia's heart a little lighter. It was nice to know that she was helping in some tiny way.
"Elliot, about what you said earlier..." Olivia began. Elliot quickly placed a hand on her thigh to gently silence her.
"No, Liv. Please. You don't have to respond to that. I just, maybe selfishly, needed to tell you how I feel." He stared down at the floor boards beneath his feet, waiting for a response.
"Elliot, please let me finish." Olivia said, quickly. He looked back up at her.
"Elliot, we've been partners for how many years now? And in those years you've watched me wallow in failed relationship after failed relationship. I've been through every scenario possible and the ones that you didn't scare off, I scared off myself. I've been through the gamut and yet I've never heard those words before from anyone." Elliot sat up a little straighter, paying full attention to Olivia's words.
"No one, in my life, has ever told me they loved me. Not my mom, not that guy I was engaged to in college, not anyone I've dated since. I've heard things that were supposed to have the same effect like 'Wow, we're really good together.' or 'I love the way you...fill in the blank.' But no one has ever looked me in the eye and said they love me. Just me, flaws and everything. And quite frankly, I've never felt that way about anyone either." Elliot sighed. Somehow he knew this was too good to be true.
"Except you. I've been head over heels in love with you despite my best efforts since the day I met you. I've tried everything but nothing has ever made me feel anything less for you. In fact, I think I love you more now than I did three minutes ago when I was making tea. I can't stop it, Elliot. And I don't want to. I love you too. Always have, always will. "
Elliot looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time, and in a way, he was. Olivia had just knocked down the last remaining wall between them and he could not have been more in awe of the beautiful, strong woman in front of him now.
Elliot remained silent. He didn't want to break the spell of the moment. Slowly, he dragged his finger tips up her arms, and to her face. He cupped her cheeks gently and pressed his lips softly to hers. She didn't respond right away; instead, she spent a few seconds reveling in the pressure of his lips against hers. When she opened her mouth in invitation, he accepted quickly and fiercely.