FYI—This section contains a reference to a cuckoo bird. Some cuckoo species (brood parasites) lays their egg in another bird's nest. Then when the egg hatches—and they grow quickly and usually hatch first, the cuckoo which is larger than other birds, grows and pushes the other eggs, fledglings out of the nest and the mother bird feeds only it-constantly until it leaves the nest.

XX

Nell spent the next day in bed trying to recover from her eternal nausea. Hop Sing was solicitous and kind and Nell began to feel better. Even in the upstairs bedroom she could hear the loud male voices below and the raucous laughter among the four men and upon occasion, Hop Sing's voice raised above the others, usually in a chastising tone. Nell found it unsettling; she wasn't used to being around that many men, especially such boisterous men, but she understood now Adam's need to spend time at the office with Jess and some of the other men who had invited him to join a club. Adam said at the club they played cards as they smoked cigars and drank good brandy or discussed politics and finances without any of "them female wimmen" he teased, "to nag us". Initially, Nell was hurt that Adam didn't want to spend all his free time with her until Jess had told her that he and Adam made good connections by joining the club and even though the dues were steep, it paid off. Nell had once complained to Bee but Bee had laughed and said that she was glad for the time alone as she was around Jess all day at the office. Her only complaint was that Jess didn't spend more time at the club.

With Nell upstairs in her room most of the time and Adam only staying two nights, no one noticed the awkwardness between Nell and Adam—except Hop Sing.

"Missy want anything?" Hop Sing asked. Nell was sitting up in bed reading a book of poetry. "I tell Mistah Adam to come up see you—say goodnight." The night before, Adam had gone into town with his brothers and although he had been home fairly early, Nell had been asleep and he didn't wake her. But this was his last night; tomorrow, he was leaving on the early stage.

"No, don't…please, Hop Sing. Let Mister Adam spend time with his family."

"But you his family—soon more family."

"What?" Nell asked. She wondered if some more relatives were coming to visit Adam before he left tomorrow.

"You—with child. Soon new baby Cartwright." Hop Sing grinned. The idea of having a new Cartwright, another generation, pleased him.

"No, no," Nell said awkwardly. "I'm not…" and then she realized that he hadn't bled recently. "Hop Sing, I don't think I'm with child—it's just the motion of the stage; it made me ill. If you would bring me some tea to help me sleep, I would appreciate it." Hop Sing said he would and left and Nell began to think back. She had noticed her dresses were tighter around the bust and waist but she had put it down to jam sandwiches. She had packed some travel pads, disposable cheesecloth with cotton wadding in case she started her bleeding while visiting but now that she considered, it had been a while. But, no, she told herself—she wasn't with child. No. It was the traveling—only that. But fear perched in the back of her mind. As far as she was concerned, she wanted a child, had told Abby she did, but she dreaded the pain and the blood and the risks that came with it. It was much better to be childless—at least for now.

Hop Sing brought up the tea and Adam followed him, waiting, his hands shoved in his pockets until he and Nell were alone before he said anything. Then Adam sat on the edge of the bed, careful not to jostle her while she drank the tea.

"Hop Sing said you were going to sleep and I wanted to say goodnight; I'm leaving early in the morning and if you're sleeping, well, I won't wake you." Adam searched her face for some sign of concession as she had barely spoken to him the past two days.

"I hope you have an uneventful trip back and Mrs. Chevy said that she would cook all your favorite foods." Nell sipped more tea, still refusing to meet his eyes. He suddenly took the cup and saucer from her, spilling some on the counterpane.

"Adam! Look what you've done," Nell said, wiping her hand over the golden stain.

"That's what I've been doing—looking, looking at you—at what I've done. Nell, this is all my fault…all of it. I accused you of having an affair because you received flowers and then I was snide and insulting and I know I was wrong; it's a bad flaw I have—I can't admit I'm wrong but I am now. I've been in the wrong. Nell, if you're seeing another man…"

Nell interrupted him. "If I'm seeing another man? If? You still entertain the possibility that I might be carrying on with someone else. You…you…" Nell stared ahead—her mouth tight. She willed herself not to cry.

"Nell, I told you I was sorry—what more do you want me to do?"

"To leave. That's what I want you to do. Just leave." She practically spat the words at him.

Adam stood up, his face expressionless. "All right. I'll do just that. I always give you what you want, Nell."

Adam walked out of the bedroom and closed the door behind him and Nell's eyes filled with tears. She wanted him to go and then she wanted him to stay. I don't know what I want. I don't even know if I want a child. But I do want him. She curled up in a ball, wondering if Hop Sing was right and she was carrying a child, a growing being inside her—a person. She would wait—it should become obvious soon if she was and she hoped she wasn't.

That night as Nell was asleep, she woke as Adam's arms slipped around her and she felt his body press next to her as she lay on her side but he never said a word, just gave a small sigh as he moved to become comfortable. Nell remained still but stared at the far wall, feigning sleep. After a few minutes, she heard Adam's even breathing—the sleep of the innocent. He had made that comment to her one morning months ago—when they were happy, she thought, and she had fallen asleep so quickly in his arms. Life was perfect then, Nell thought—just like a romance novel. And now Adam's body was so close, so warm…Nell couldn't decide whether or not to wake him up, to kiss him and tell him that she loved him—there was no other man but him but she didn't. And then she caught her breath-if she was with child—what would he think? What might he say? But then she knew what he would say—he would ask if it was his. That's what he would say—"Am I going to be raising someone else's bastard—a cuckoo?" Nell decided that he would probably say something like that and she hoped she wasn't carrying a child—not yet; she wasn't ready and she didn't really know how Adam would behave with such a revelation.

Adam sat at his desk in the den, a mug of coffee beside him, a list of different types of Italian marble tile before him. The samples had been sent from Italy and he had gone over them at the shop, running his hands over their polished surfaces and making notes on the manifest. He had brought home the three samples he liked the best and he had to decide which type to use in the cattle baron's house—Mr. Delaware. Just that morning, Mr. And Mrs. Delaware had come into the shop to look at the basic plans of their manor before the foundation was laid. They were a rotund couple and the wife wore a long strand of pearls looped over her neck many times, running the bottom two longest strands through her fingers as a nervous habit. Adam noticed that her lip rouge was uneven and smeared in the corners of her mouth. Nevertheless, their clothing was expensive, Mrs. Delaware's dress decorated with rows of elegant lace on the sleeves and neckline and edging the tiers of her dress. They adored Adam's and Jess' plans and just as Jess had predicted, the wife wanted more wrought iron railings and wanted Italian marble floors. So Adam was trying to choose. Then he would present the samples in the order of favor at the next consultation.

It had been two weeks since he had taken Nell to the Ponderosa and Adam missed her more than he had anticipated. When he was busy at the shop—and he and Jess were more busy than usual doing mundane tasks since Billy James had to take over Bee's duties, he only thought of Nell in anguished flashes but then something would come up to distract him an for that moment she was out of mind, but when he was alone or not busy—when he tried to fall asleep at night, his yearning for her became acute as now—almost a physical pain, a hunger and a longing. He groaned in his desolation. He wanted to see her, hear her voice and her laughter, to feel her arms around his neck and to hold her next to him at night. Adam realized that he needed Nell. And now he had to decide what he would do next. He had left things so unreconciled.

It had been two days after Adam had returned from the Ponderosa when Abby Weems came by the shop. Adam stepped into the outer office to talk to her, sending Billy James who had been struggling to type a letter, to the back office to work on the filing which is what he had been doing.

"Gladly," Billy James said. "I swear that infernal machine is a tool of the devil. I strike a letter key and somehow, someway, that machine prints out another letter. If I didn't know better, I'd think Bee took it apart, changed things around and then put it back together so that her job is safe—no one else can type on that thing."

Adam chuckled and Billy James left them alone. "How nice to see you, Abby. What can I do for you?"

Abby's face was stern. "I hadn't heard from Nell and she hadn't responded to my note so I thought she was angry with me over something although that's not like her. Then I thought that perhaps you had forbidden her to see me. So I stopped by the house with a Christmas present and Mrs. Chevy said that Nell was in Nevada and she didn't know when she would be back. When will she be home?"

"I'm going back to rejoin her in Nevada a few days before Christmas and we probably won't return until the New Year but Nell might stay on longer."

"Why? Why might she stay on longer? You sent her away so quickly that she couldn't even tell me goodbye. Is she hurt?"

"No, of course not." Adam was puzzled. "Why would you ask me that?"

"For a few reasons. When I asked Mrs. Chevy, she seemed nervous as if she was afraid she would say too much. Secondly, Nell's leaving happened overnight, almost as if you wanted to hide her away before anyone could see her. I can't help but be suspicious of your motives."

Adam didn't know what to say. "Abby, it's nothing like that. Nell is fine—well, she had a bad trip and became ill but when I left her, she was doing much better."

Abby took a deep breath and then said, "You don't know much about Nell even though you think you do."

Adam watched Abby closely. He didn't quite understand what was happening. "I think I know my wife; I know her very well."

"No, you don't. You just know one side of her—the physical side." Abby's nervousness was showing and that put Adam on guard. He realized that something was below the surface—something that Abby knew, something Nell told her and his mind raced ahead trying to determine what it might be. "I know her far better than you—we grew up together and have always been there for each other. We confided in each other our fears, our hopes, our first loves and our first heartbreaks as well as our pain and happiness over the years. I suspect that you may have sent her away before she could tell me what you'd done."

"What I've done? Abby, I admit that we've been having a hard time these past few days but our marriage is still intact and I do love her. I would hope that if she were here, she'd tell you that she loves me."

"I doubt that's what you hope. I know what Nell thinks of you. She's told me about how you…" Abby stopped and realized that she had said too much. Adam was still watching her carefully and Abby suddenly felt afraid of what he might do. She felt that Adam was poised the way a great cat is before it pounces.

"What has she told you—exactly?" Adam waited—barely breathing.

Abby reconsidered her tact. "Nothing except that….well, sometimes you treat her…as if she was a common woman."

Adam's brow furrowed and he looked suspiciously at Abby. "What do you mean by that? A common woman?"

"Nothing. I shouldn't have said anything but I do think that you don't deserve her." Abby started to leave but then turned. "You sent Nell away because she is...because you think she's having an affair, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"You don't deserve her," Abby said and walked out.

And Adam reconsidered Abby's words. You sent Nell away because she is…because you think she's having an affair. Abby had said Nell is. And Adam couldn't decide if it had been a slip revealing the truth or if Abby simply misspoke. All afternoon he ruminated over it—she is- until he thought he would lose his mind.

So that evening in his den, as Adam drank his coffee, he ran his fingers over a piece of pale pink marble, cool and smooth. Adam considered that it was the color of Nell's skin and was as smooth as her body but as the marble was cold and hard, his wife's skin was warm and yielding. He thought back on Nell's body and her expression as he pleasured her nights and he knew that he had to return to decided; tomorrow he would leave for the Ponderosa. Things couldn't go on the way they were and Adam held up the piece of shell-pink marble. "This one," he said as looked at it. That was his top choice for the Delaware house.