XXII

Hoss had driven to town to pick up Adam who had arrived on the last stage of the day and they wouldn't be home in time for dinner so Hoss suggested they go to The International House before heading back. Adam was hesitant; he was hungry but he wanted to see Nell.

"She ain't goin' nowhere, Adam, and she ain't cryin' over missin' you neither. And don't worry none about Hop Sing—he knows not to expect us but he said he'd save us some dessert—a three layer vanilla cake with boiled icing. Can't get no better than that."

Adam had to agree—he had missed Hop Sing's extravagant desserts-so Hoss parked the buckboard in front of the livery and they walked down the wooden sidewalk to the restaurant, Adam's carpetbag stowed under the seat. A few men who were out stopped Adam to shake his hand as they mentioned they hadn't seen him in a while. They would ask about Sacramento and if he was stayin' in town and then go on their way. And in the The International House, Beth, the waitress who was old enough to be Adam's mother, ruffled Adam's dark hair and told him it was good to see him back although he did look big-city now.

"Heard you got married," Beth said as she filled their coffee cups before taking their order.

"Yes," Adam said. "She's at the Ponderosa."

"Well. Bring 'er in sometime. Like to meet who finally hogtied you into matrimony." Hoss laughed and so did Beth buy Adam could only manage a weak grin.

When their orders came, the brothers sat in the restaurant with generous plates of roast beef and mashed potatoes covered with gravy, green peas, a basket of buttery biscuits and Hoss had a tall glass of milk.

"Has it snowed much?" Adam asked as he moved food around on his plate. His appetite had left him.

"Not too much-not enough to cause trouble for the stock. Looks like it's gonna be a mild winter, leastways that's what the almanac says, but you know how that goes." Hoss kept on eating. "Ain't you hungry, Adam?"

"Not really." Adam put down his fork. "How's Nell?"

"She's fine. Still kinda quiet. Pa told Joe and me that she might not be used to all the noise and such and for us to settle down so we been real good." Hoss stared at Adam who looked morose. "What's the problem, Adam? I thought it was strange for you to just leave her here and go off to Sacramento. Any trouble with the business? I mean I know you ain't one to grouse and complain and all and no sayin' I could even be any help…but iffen you need anything, anything, just tell me. You don't even need to ask—just tell. "

Adam sighed and sat back. "Thanks for the offer but it's nothing, really. I just…hurry up and eat would you? I want to get home." What Adam wanted to say was that he was desperate to get to Nell. Having her only an hour's drive away was tearing him apart. He felt the small box in his pocket. Nell would be pleased with the gift—he hoped.

The windows of the Ponderosa glowed with warmth and Adam felt a certain calm envelope him—it was that his father was there. Adam knew he was too old to depend on his father and that a grown man such as he shouldn't need his father but yet, the prospect of having the tall, strong man on whom to lean was calming. Hoss pulled up in the yard and Joe came out to greet them. Hoss tossed Joe the reins of the buckboard as Adam jumped down, carrying his bag.

"Put this away, would ya, Joe?"

"How come I have to?" Joe protested. "I didn't even get to go in town."

"'Cause you're the youngest," Hoss answered, grinning. "C'mon, Adam. Bet Nell's just waitin' to see you."

Adam wasn't so sure.

"Welcome home, Adam," Joe said as they shook hands. "As you can see, things haven't changed. I'm still being shit on as the youngest."

"Oh, c'mon," Adam said, clapping Joe on the back. "You oughta be shit-proof by now." The laughed and Adam looked to the house. He shifted his carpet bag to the other hand and followed Hoss.

As soon as Adam saw Nell, he realized that things hadn't changed between the two of them; he had hoped that she would have missed him and come running to him but she held back as Ben greeted Adam and Hop Sing came out. Then Nell smiled and Adam went to her and kissed her softly, wrapping his arms around her.

"I missed you," he said in a low voice, his mouth near her ear so only she could hear.

"Yes, well…" Nell looked at him. "I'm glad that you're here safely and I apologize but I'm going upstairs—to sleep. I just seem so tired all the time." She gently pushed Adam's hands off and said goodnight to Ben, Hoss and Hop Sing and went up the stairs, Adam watching her longingly. If it had been even a month ago, Adam would have considered Nell's going to bed that early as an invitation to a sexual romp and then a night of agonizingly slow love-making, Nell eager to reach her satisfaction and Adam teasing her along until he himself could no longer bear it. But not now. Nell had been less than inviting.

Nevertheless, after spending time with his family and Hoss and Joe going to bed, Adam said goodnight to his father and went to the room where he and Nell were staying. He had woken Nell, pushed up her nightgown and taken her and then, after she had gone to sleep again, he went down and talked to his father about the state of his marriage. He felt a fool about the situation but he was searching for some words of consolation. And then his father had told him about Marie and her flirtatious ways and his "unfounded"—he emphasized that—suspicions that she was having an affair.

Adam had thought back to Marie; he had never particularly cared for her mainly because she was so sexual and flirtatious, even mildly flirtatious with him. Late Adam realized that her small touches on his cheek and her attempts to share a small, intimate joke with him were the only ways she knew to have males like her. And he realized that he and his father had much more in common than he had ever considered.

And now Adam was back upstairs and watching his wife sleep like a small child, her face soft and lovely. So pure, so innocent. Adam pondered what had happened between them—what he had caused to happen as nothing had turned out as he expected—nothing. And he realized that he had forgotten to give Nell the brooch. Tomorrow—he would give it to her tomorrow.

********************************************************

The light woke her and then Adam's hands were tenderly on her. Nell was a bit surprised at first and then she remembered that she was still angry with him.

"Nell," he said looking down at her. His hair was tousled, his face covered with stubble and she could see the beginning of gray in his hair. "We need to talk—please. I'm sorry about last night, about taking you like I did, but I wanted you and you've been…cold. I responded in kind—a foolish, immature way to handle things. Nell, I fear I've lost you due to my suspicions. I…I can't help how I feel but I need to be more rational. Oh, Nell, I do love you—I adore you and I swear that the whole world can send you flowers and I won't say another word. You deserve a bouquet every day and…well, wait. I have something for you."

Nell sat up and pushed her hair off her face. She watched Adam as he stood going through his jacket pocket and then he came back to the bed, smiling, and a box in his hand. He crawled back under the covers.

"It's an early Christmas present." Adam gave her the box and Nell took it but just stared at it.

"Thank you but…I haven't anything for you. Perhaps I should wait to open this." She held the box in her hand. It was covered with indigo velvet.

"If you forgive me," he said, "That's gift enough." He watched her face hoping to see something that would give him confidence. And he did. Nell reached up and tentatively touched his face.

"Adam, I…I have nothing to forgive. I do love you and I'm sorry that I've behaved so…." Tears filled her eyes. He was asking for her forgiveness and although in the back of her mind she wanted to punish him more, she knew she wouldn't—couldn't. He had humbled himself and that was enough.

"No, no," Adam said as he touched her lips with the fingertips of one hand. "Don't. I deserve worse than what you've doled out. I should be…horsewhipped, black snaked, tarred and feathered, hanged by my thumbs!"

Nell laughed, sniffing back tears at the same time and then threw her arms around his neck, the box falling in the tangle of sheets. Adam held her to him. He felt his heart swell with happiness; she had forgiven him and still loved him and he wanted her. Her warmth, her scent and the feel of her body next to his caused the normal reaction and he felt the urge rise against his belly. But he also knew he had to go slowly.

"Open the box," he said.

Nell, smiling through her tears, searched for the box among the bedclothes and found it. She pushed up the top of the hinged box and Adam watched her face. She seemed not to know what to say as she ran her fingertips over the brooch.

Adam feared she misinterpreted his actions, thought that the flowers being roses was sarcastic so he spoke rapidly. "It's not meant as anything but my gift of roses to you. I've never given you roses before, Nell, and I should have. I wanted to give you this so you could have roses from me every day." He watched her face. "I love you, Nell. I know I'm a nasty bastard sometimes but…I'll try to curb my tongue." He touched her cheek. "So fair art thou, my bonnie lass, so deep in love am I, that I will love thee still, my dear, 'til all the seas gang dry." He meant the words that he quoted from Robert Burns—he did love her and he knew he always would. She was his red, red rose.

"It's beautiful, Adam. Thank you." Nell lowered her eyelashes and then coyly looked up at him. "Don't curb your tongue too much—at least not in all the ways you use it." She smiled mischievously and Adam knew then that he could approach her.

"Well," he said as he slid a hand up her gown, "why don't you take this off and I'll use my tongue in a more pleasing manner. I've missed the taste of you, the taste of honey."

Nell giggled and then slipped her gown over her head and quickly pulled the sheet back up as she tossed the gown aside. She slid down on the bed and smiled up at Adam. He laughed lightly in anticipation and then kissed her neck, working his way down her body to the warm, moist place between her legs, the place that was the source of both their pleasure. Adam realized how very much he had missed Nell and from her sighs, it seemed she had missed him as well.

They lay together, Nell enveloped by Adam's arms, feeling safe and happy. "I smell bacon and eggs," Nell said. "Aren't you hungry?"

"Yes. How about we go down to breakfast. I can shave later." He kept his eyes closed, not really wanting to move.

"I'm not that hungry," Nell said, sitting up but holding the sheet across her, "but I've found I feel better with some toast in my stomach. Hop Sing has been making me a special tea for my stomach."

Adam opened his eyes and looked at her. "Are you still sick? Nell, it's been almost three weeks and, well, I need to go back to Sacramento Monday and I hoped to take you back with me. I considered taking a buckboard and you and I traveling that way but…well, now I think I'd be too rough on you and not as fast because we wouldn't have new teams every so often. There's also the chance of some rogue Indians and who knows what else."

Nell considered. "I think I could travel on a stage…Hop Sing has also been giving me some lozenges; he buys them in Chinatown. If I had some of those to calm my stomach…"

"Nell, I don't like the idea of you taking those lozenges. Some of the things the Chinese sell as medicine—powdered antlers, pickled lizards, dried shark fin-for all you know, those lozenges may be made of tiger testicles."

Nell slapped Adam's chest. "Oh, Adam, they're perfectly fine. They're chamomile, ginger and sugar and they help. Hop Sing makes them in the kitchen. Now, I'm going down to breakfast. Put some clothes on and join me—join us." Nell rose from the bed and pulled her wrap off a chair and slipped it on but before she could tie it shut, Adam called to her and stood up. He took her wrist and pulled her to him.

"Don't," he said and pushed open her robe. He had noticed her areoles were a darker color and seemed larger, the nipples protruding more. He ran his thumb over one and Nell pulled away. "Sensitive?"

"No, it's just that…I mean you just finished pulling on them with your mouth a few minutes ago—that's all." Nell closed up her robe.

"Oh, my God, I've been stupid." Adam made a sound of both shock and disgust at himself. "You're with child, aren't you? That's why you been ill and your body—damn, Nell, why didn't you tell me?"

"No, I'm not. I'm not…there's no child. I…" Nell looked helpless. "Oh, Adam, I'm so scared!" She began to cry.

"It's okay, Nell, it's okay, Everything will be okay." Adam held her next to him and stroked her dark hair. He had more to contend with now. He was both terrified and happy at the same time. Adam decided that he had to take Nell home as soon as possible but first, he would take Nell to see Dr. Martin. Adam pulled back and held Nell's face in his hands and looked at her. She looked far too young to be carrying a child, anyone's child. Anyone's child. He felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. What if it wasn't his but some man's by-blow? Then he realized-he didn't care. Even if it turned out that the child was someone else's, even if the infant looked like someone else, it didn't matter-it would be Nell's and that was enough for him; he would love it and be proud to raise it.

"Now, wipe your face—here." He wiped her face with his thumbs as he held it cupped in his hands. "Don't cry or my family will think I beat you—or worse." He kissed her and smiled gently. "We'll keep it our secret until before we leave—all right?" Nell looked up at him expectantly and nodded. "You go downstairs and I'll throw on some clothes and join you. Now go." He swatted her on her buttocks. She smiled, trying to appear cheerful and left, looking back once. Adam stood for a moment. Then he sighed deeply and pulled a pair of work trousers out of a drawer and a faded blue shirt. He had made up his mind to be happy—happiness was a choice. He would be happy and he would achieve it by loving Nell and the child no matter what. No matter what.