XXIII
Joe and Hoss were thrilled they would soon be uncles but protested Nell and Adam leaving and not staying for Christmas or through the New Year. Ben smiled at the news of the child but watched Adam; how did his son actually feel about the child? After what Adam had told him, Ben could understand if Adam had taken the news with reserve—the same way he had when Marie had told him she was enceinte. But just as he had, Ben realized that Adam was accepting the child as his and hopefully would love the child as much as he loved Joe no matter what. But sometimes Ben would look at Joe, at his green eyes, beautiful face and curly brown hair and still wonder as he tried to see himself in his son's face.
Dr. Martin had confirmed Hop Sing's proclamation that there would be another Cartwright sometime in May. Leaving Nell in the examining room for her to arrange her clothing, Paul went out to talk to Adam.
"You don't seem any too happy about the good news," Paul said. He had expected Adam to be a grinning, swaggering fool as so many men were when they found out they were to be fathers.
"Oh, it's not that. Nell is so young and I worry…and she hasn't been well."
"Women younger than Nell have children; some women, well, girls actually, marry at 13, 14 and have their first child at 15 or younger without any complication. Nell should be fine—she's a healthy woman. The nausea she complained about should clear up in another month or so; it just plagues some women."
So Adam took Nell back to the Ponderosa. On the ride home, Adam talked about the coach ride back to Sacramento and Nell reassured Adam she would be fine; she wanted to be back in their house.
"I really do care for your family, Adam, and they've been wonderful to me but I need to be home. Most of all, I need to see my own doctor—Dr. Champion."
"Why? Don't you like Paul?" Adam looked over at his wife.
"Oh, it's just that he asked all sorts of questions like when was my last flowering-it was embarrassing. His nurse and she held my hand while he examined me but he had me slip off my pantalets and then, well, he partially kneeled and as I stood there, he felt me, Adam." Nell blushed at the memory.
Adam tried not to laugh. "Felt you?"
"Yes. He pressed against my belly with one hand while he slipped…" Nell blushed. "I just can't talk about it. He's a complete stranger and he…did that. I thought I would die of humiliation."
"Oh, I think you'll live." Adam put his free arm around her.
"Only you've touched me that way. What am I going to do when it's my time to bear fruit? I mean, I never really thought about it before, but people will have to see me—I mean see my—fruitful vine."
At that, Adam did laugh. "Your fruitful vine? Bearing fruit? What the hell is that?"
"It's not funny, Adam, and don't curse. Surely you don't expect me to discuss those…parts with him—or you." Nell felt her face become hotter. She became fully embarrassed again at the memory of Paul's hands and fingers exploring her.
"I'm sorry, Nell," Adam said, leaning over to kiss her softly but she shrugged her shoulder and pulled away. "Okay," Adam said, "you go ahead and pout—you've been through enough already today. Save your strength—or anger—since we still have to tell everyone at dinner."
Nell stared at Adam in horror. How could she discuss what was going to happen with her body to all those men? She couldn't—just couldn't. "You tell them, Adam. When I'm upstairs. You tell them then.""
So Adam did tell them all before dinner as they sat waiting for Nell and when she came down after washing up, all five men, including a grinning Hop Sing who stood by Ben's chair were waiting for her. Nell was embarrassed knowing the whole matter had been discussed among them along with her queasiness and her soon to be burgeoning figure, she was sure. Already her clothes were becoming too tight and soon she wouldn't be able to leave the house but would have to remain behind the walls in Sacramento wearing loose clothes. She would have to find clothes for her confinement; she would ask Bee.
And Nell suddenly remembered Bee, how Bee had to wear her large cloak and keep it on when they had gone to lunch. A woman who was "enceinte" was to remain in private and the only reason Bee worked in the front office of Cartwright & Spence as long as she did was because she was needed and could remain hidden behind a desk. That night in their bedroom, Nell asked Adam about Bee.
"Bee? Oh, I really don't know except that she's close to delivery—or what was that you later called it? Oh, yes, bearing fruit." Adan didn't want to frighten Nell and give her anything more to worry about so he chose to treat the matter of Bee's medical issues in a light teasing manner. "Anyway, she might be early and so Jess and I agreed to keep office hours to a half-day until I get back. Why should bankers be the only ones to choose their hours?" Adam smiled at her as he disrobed but Nell turned her back to him.
"I just happened to think of her," Nell said, "and wondered how she was….the baby and all." Nell turned slightly and saw Adam slip under the covers. Nell stripped down to her chemise and then pulled her night gown over her head and using it as a cover, she slipped off her intimate clothing and then stepped out of them, picking them up and laying them neatly over a chair.
Adam chuckled. "What was all that about?"
"What?" Nell sat down at her vanity and took down her hair. She would brush it and then braid it for the night.
"You're undressing that way—the big cover-up. Are you hiding from me?"
"No, I just, I mean I feel so big—like a cow."
"Nell, don't be silly. You're not a cow and you sure aren't big."
"I will be—soon I'll be huge. And then I'll be producing milk just like a cow does, suckling a child the way piglets suck a sow's…teats. I'll be no better than farm stock!"
Adam sighed. "Nell, leave your hair be. Come here." He sat up and held out his arms and she ran to him, scampering to his arms like a small child does to the safety of its parent's embrace. He pulled her into his arms.
"Nell, you're going to have a child. Of course, your body's going to change but it will only become more beautiful—at least that's the way I look at it."
Nell pulled away and sat up looking at him. "I don't think so. Look at Bee. Look how fat she's become. Would you like it if I grow that fat? And those brown blotches on her forehead and cheeks? What if my skin does that? Will you still think I'm beautiful? And I heard some of the women in church once talking about how a woman's figure is never the same after..."
"Bearing fruit?" Adam added with a sly grin.
"Yes—after that." Nell's jutted out her jaw in defiance. He could tease her all he wanted—she didn't care. "A woman's figure is never the same-never! And a woman becomes—stretched out—down there." Nell made a motion with her hand indicating her genital region and was on the verge of tears.
"Nell, try not to think about the negative aspects of what's going on with you. Let's talk about all the good things." He pulled her into his arms again and quietly talked about how their lives would change for the better and then he brought up the idea of names and Nell began to enjoy the discussion. Finally she fell asleep after yawning a few times and stretching in his arms, but Adam lay awake and stared into the darkness. He had told Nell they would be leaving Monday and although Nell seemed in accord with it, even joking and asking Adam if she couldn't walk all the way to Sacramento instead, she did consent to the stagecoach and would ask Hop Sing to make a reserve of lozenges to last her a while.
But it was Adam who truly dreaded the stage ride back to Sacramento but there was no other choice; he needed Nell with him—couldn't bear the idea of leaving her behind to grow heavy with child without him to take care of her. And finally, realizing that he was literally holding both his wife and the child in his arms, their child, he fell asleep and dreamt of a running child of indeterminate gender and whose face he couldn't see. And finally, after chasing the child down, he grabbed it and it was no longer a small child; it was Marie, a full woman in all her seductive beauty and she was laughing the way she always had with her head thrown back and her eyes flashing. She said to him with narrowed eyes, "Men are so easily fooled." The dream occurred right before Adam woke and the shock and fear made him sit upright.
Nell was still asleep and Adam looked down at her. Would she fool him? Would she deceive him to such an extent that she would knowingly bear another man's child and keep him in the dark? Adam threw off the covers and went to the window. He pulled them completely open and looked outside. The cold came through the window pane and there was a light frost on the window as well as the world—the grass glittered and from where he stood, the window being in the back of the house, he could see a stretch of yard before the timberline reclaimed the land.
The room was chilly and Adam went to the fireplace and after poking up the remaining embers, he opened the firebox and placed some fat lighter on the small flames trying to regenerate the flames. The thin splits of the resin-heavy wood caught quickly and Adam placed a few split logs on it and then went back to bed, sliding in next to Nell and kissing her neck. She stirred and then rolled over and stretched her arms over her head, then wrapping them around his neck. Adam leaned down to kiss her and was startled when a fist banged on the door. Nell giggled at Adam's expression.
"Hey," Joe yelled, pounding again. "Get up, Adam. We've got church this morning so get your sinful butt out of bed and tell that wife of yours that she needs to come as well after associating with you—guilt by association so to speak."
Adam reached down over the side of the bed and picked up one of his boots. He hurled it at the door and it bounced off after making a satisfactory thud.
Joe, on the other side, giggled. "Good, you're up! Breakfast in twenty minutes!"
Nell giggled as well. "Really, Adam, we need to dress for church. I've been the past two Sundays and it's a lovely service.
Adam nuzzled her neck, moving his hands over the fabric of her nightgown, feeling her curves beneath. "I'd rather service you." He began to pull up her gown.
"Adam, it's Sunday. It's time to show reverence. I know your father brought you up with proper religious training."
"You're my religion," Adam murmured. "You are who I worship, who I devote myself to—you and you alone. Thou shalt have no other love before Nell. I swear that's a commandment."
"Adam that's blasphemy! Pray for forgiveness."
"All I pray for is help to get this damned gown off of you."
"Adam," Nell said, struggling to keep the gown down, "not now, not when I'm getting…big."
"Yes, now," he said looking in her eyes. "I want you and I want your body. I want to lie between your white thighs and take your breasts in my mouth and revel rocking together with you. Now—the gown."
Nell sat up and after pausing, she pulled the nightgown off and lay back down. She then closed her eyes and heard her husband's voice in her ear telling her of his love for her and his urgency to join with her. She felt him around her and within her and the whole world seemed nothing but him and his acute need for her. The sound of his voice singing the primeval song of love vibrated through her being—his love for her. And Nell floated away on the waves of pleasure that she prayed would never end.