I don't want to die alone-

I opened my eyes and had known that it was a dream. One of the many memories that, when in sleep, drifted up from where I had buried them deep beneath the surface of my mind. I had wanted sleep to be a place where I wouldn't have to worry about what was happening in real, harsh life - but that was where the memories would lie, where they were the worst of all.

I shouldn't have been sleeping anyway. It was halfway through the day, but considering that it was the day in which Thorin (dead Thorin, the one you hadn't saved) would be put deep into the ground, I had wanted to selfishly use sleep as an escape from reality.

But upon turning my head and spying out Kili, I had known that the burial had been over for some time now.

He had been sitting in that chair beside my stone bed, hand resting against the stubble that wasn't really stubble anymore and staring at me with a bland, lost look that suggested he had been in that position for a while now. I blinked at him, willing away the haziness of waking up and struggling to find something to say.

He had just buried the man who had acted as a father to him for most of his life. What could I say?

So I hadn't said anything, not sure whether I really wanted to break the silence that had settled into the semi-dark room. There was an acceptance there, hidden between our long stare. An acceptance that it was done - the final farewell - and now we would have to move on and rebuild. We would have to do Thorin's work, because he could not.

After a while I turned my head to the ceiling and moved to the side, thankful that the skin was beginning to heal as the stitches tugged the hole together. It had always felt like I was pulling away a big wad of dry blood from a fresh wound whenever I moved too much, and I couldn't wait until the day came when I would be able to stand by Kili and Fili and see what was happening past my sealed doors.

'You're tired,' I told Kili. 'Oin's already been to see me today. No one will come in now'.

The invitation was there, and he took it. He yanked off his fur, his boiled leather coat and his boots, sliding into bed beside me and lying on his side, his front pressed against me as if he could not be close enough. And it was just that - nothing about wanting to touch me in any other manner than just wanting to know that I was there.

'I'm here,' I had said, feeling his cool skin invade my warm cocoon.

'I know,' he murmured, bowing his head and closing his eyes. I wondered when it would get better, as I had looked at him latch onto sleep, I'd wondered what would happen in the next few months. I had known that I would ask him about the burial in a few hours time, when he was ready and when he was rested. But, until then, I would linger by his side as he had done for me.

No words were needed.

I hadn't slept. As you can probably tell, I'd had more than my own share of sleeping away the memories and the aching and the boredom. Instead of sleeping, I allowed Kili to press himself into my side, and I had blinked at the stone wall and distracted myself with thoughts of home, which had seem farther away then than it ever had before.

I thought very hard about my mum. Her hair, her soft skin, her lilting accent and the curved point of her fingernails that would comb through my hair when I was upset or tired. My throat tightened and my eyes watered, but I'd kept thinking about her. Even now, now that I am old, I still think about my mum, the other Fournier lady that, here, they'll never, ever know.

A few hours later, Kili hands retracted against my hip and I had felt his breath woosh against my neck. It was all it took for him to know that I was awake. I'd been thinking about what I would say to him when he awoke, and now my moment had arisen. I waited a few minutes, listening to him breathe and allowing him to know that I was awake.

'Back home,' I started. 'People tell jokes - japes, that begin with knock knock, then the other person replies who's there. I don't know why, it's just something that people have always done. So, Kili, knock knock'.

A pause, and his nose had pressed against my shoulder. 'Who is there?' he mumbled, voice thick and thumb trailing a line on my hip bone.

'Amish. Now you say what I just said and who,' I told him, thinking how odd it was to actually explain a knock knock joke to someone who had never heard one before.

'Amish...who?' I nodded. 'Amish who?' he repeated.

'I miss you too'

I felt his lips tug as he pressed his face further into my shoulder. I smiled, taking hold of his hand and stopping his twiddling thumb. 'You just had your first ever knock knock joke,' I told him. 'Congratulations'. I had missed him, and he think he understood the meaning underneath the joke. 'How was...it?'

Kili shifted, slipped his hand so that it fell out of mine, allowing himself to sit up and look down at me. He looked tired, despite his hours of sleep. His hair was scruffy and his eyes hooded with tiredness and dark circles. He shifted up and leaned against the wall behind us, and I had leaned against his leg. 'Quiet, sollem. Gandalf spoke, as did Bilbo. The Elvenking, Thranduil, he...he gave Orcist back to Thorin'.

Orcist, I knew, was Thorin's sword that had been taken away when we were in the Woodland Realm of Mirkwood. I closed my mouth and stared up and Kili, knowing that he had not known how to explain this happening, this obvious show of respect from the Elves.

'We sealed his tomb. He is with our ancestors now'.

I thought of Laketown, of all of us sitting around that table in the kitchen as we ate whatever Bombur had made for us that day. I thought of meeting Thorin for the first time, hearing him knock on Bilbo's door, of wondering why everyone feared and respected him so much. Now, at the end of it all, I knew why.

'He's with your ancestors now,' I repeated softly, nodding and closing my eyes and wishing, more than ever, that I could have said goodbye too.

Two days later, Kili had been separating 'teams' of Dwarves to scour the Kingdoms lowest depths and, finally, Bilbo and Gandalf come to say goodbye to me. I sat up, palm pushing against the bed to turn to them, smiling as Bilbo shut the door behind him and Gandalf towered over the room. Dwarven architecture allows for high ceilings, for which I'm sure Gandalf will be forever grateful.

'You're leaving today?' I asked, watching as Bilbo settled into a chair and Gandalf stood beside him, leaning against his staff and stooping down to smile at me. I remember meeting the Wizard, in a time that seems like year and years ago, when I was younger and naive and so, so lost.

Bilbo had swung his large, hairy feet and nodded. 'By lunchtime, yes'. He peered at me, tongue darting out to lick his lips. He looked tired, almost ill. 'You look better,' commented the Hobbit, fingers curling around the edge of his seat. 'Much better than...before'.

I shrugged, pressing my hands against my healing wound as a sat up straighter. 'Oin has been working hard to keep the poison at bay. It worked, I guess,' I had smiled, eyes flickering up to Gandalf. 'How long will it take you to reach The Shire?'

Gandalf's smooth, rumbly voice had a hint of a smile in it when he had spoken. 'Oh, with our stay in Rivendell, who knows?'

'You're visiting Rivendell again?'

Bilbo looked just as excited as when we had first stumbled upon the place. 'Oh, yes. It is on the way home, so Gandalf thought it would be a good adventure, isn't that right?'

'Elrond will want to know of our tale, of course'. And there it had been, the news that he would have to deliver to those who asked. We had done it, we had killed the Dragon, but we had lost something along the way. 'He will be grievous to hear of Thorin's demise, I know'.

'We all are,' mumbled Bilbo.

'I liked The Shire,' I had butted in, lightening my voice to something a bit brighter. 'It was lovely. I'd love to see it again sometime, maybe when Erebor isn't falling apart and infested with Dragons germs, I could come and see it again?'

And then Bilbo had nodded and swung his feet yet again, talking of what he had missed from home, and what he would find when he returned and, oh, how different it would all seem now that he had seen so much of the world. I remember thinking that I could relate - home, my home, seemed like the fantasy world now.

'When Kili and I get married!' I had piped up, smacking my forehead. 'You've got to promise to come - both of you. I'll be sending ravens or- or pigeons, or whatever, to both of you. That's when we'll next see each other, yes?'

'I quite like weddings,' mused Bilbo, nodding.

'I would not miss the marriage of Alexandria Millicent Fournier, I can assure you of that,' chuckled out Gandalf. 'A light in the darkness'. And that was all he said on the matter, but even so, it had made be feel much, much better to remember that there was something to grasp onto, something to look forward to and to live for and to keep trying for.

'Have you seen Fili?' I asked, moments later. 'Do you think...he will be alright?'

'He has grown,' relied Gandalf, leaning heavily against his staff. 'And he will continue to grow and grow until he is fully grown but, until then, he will learn. And he will need help to learn. Kili's company will be a blessing to him, I am sure'.

I nodded. 'So am I'.

They left soon after that, but not without Bilbo ducking to grasp my hand and nod to me. We both thanked each other, although I am still not sure what for. It is sad to say, but I never saw Bilbo after that. He wrote to me once telling me that he was looking after a member of his family, Frodo, and so he would not be able to make it to my wedding. I will see him, though. There's still time, yet.

After everything that has happened in the world, while I have been tucked away and helping to look after the Kingdom, I will have to visit Bilbo now that he doesn't have that bloody ring anymore. The tale of the ring and the two Hobbits has found its way to Erebor through the merchants that come to the market place in Dale, and I'll have to apologize to Bilbo for not knowing about that blasted ring sooner.

Gandalf, I would see again. He had lifted his hat to me and wished me well, telling me that he would see me again soon and that he would inform Oin of how well I was recovering. I had swallowed away the lump in my throat and nodded, waiting until they had shut the door before I sobbed into my blanket and thought of how much I missed those nights beneath the stars as we travelled further and further away from The Shire.

A week later, and I was walking.

Kili lingered by my side as I had walked, figure slightly bent forward. Kili had suggested it, telling me that he wanted to show me something, that maybe it would be good for me to get out of my chamber for a while.

We walked continuously down a hallways, going down two sets of stairs (that was a challenge, but my wound hardly tugged at all) until we found a quieter hallway, away from the bowing Dwarves that lumbered about with axes, baskets full of food and blocks of broken stone.

'There is only months to clean out many of the rooms,' offered Kili as an explanation. 'Until others from the Blue Mountains and the Iron Hills begin to arrive, I mean. We want it ready for them, and while Fili is resting it us up to me to get things going'. Part of me, and only a small part, resented Fili for all that he was putting on Kili's shoulders - Kili had lost things too, so why was Fili sulking on his own?

The One Eyed King, my mind had whispered.

'Where're we going then?' I'd asked. Kili pointed ahead vaguely and I'd sighed, rolling my eyes. 'You're being very secretive, what's up?'

'The ceiling, the sky-'

'No-'

'I know what you mean,' smiled Kili, and I latched onto that smile, that raw show of emotion that was anything but tears and frown lines and tired eyes. 'A room, Millie. I am showing you a room'.

Finally, we stopped in front of a large, carved stone door - beautiful, really. Runes were carved around the edges, and I would later learn that they were words from a very old Dwarvish love song about a fair, bearded lady Dwarf and her husband. Of course, neither Kili and I were very bearded, but we tended to ignore that fact.

'What's this then?' I asked, but I had quite a good idea.

Kili let got of my arm, though he had first checked I was okay to stan, and then he had pushed against the stone door. The one thing that surprised me about the doors was how easily they slide open once you gave them a good push - like magic.

'This,' Kili had said. 'Will be our room once we are wed'.

I looked sideways to him, not yet ready to step into the room. 'I'll only step into that room if you promise me that we'll get married soon. As soon as your mother arrives, we'll marry, right?'

Kili, with his dark eyes and beautiful mouth, had smiled and taken my hand, tugging me forward gently. 'Whatever you wish, my lady'.

'Oh, not that again'.

I've been gone for so long, I'm so sorry! Because I know what I'll be writing next, this chapter was such a drag to get out, and for that I am sorry! I know that people are waiting for an update on my Star Trek fic, and I will, I promise!

Opinions would be great, and look, over 1,700 reviews! I don't even know how that happened, but thank you very muchos.

Can I also just briefly cry to you all about how amazing Reading Festival was? Eminem and Green Day and Fall Out Boy and The Lumineers and Bastille and ugh, okay, I'm done.

Thank you again!

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