WARNING : This chapter may contain triggers. Mentions of attempted suicide and depression.
Proceed with caution.
I feel the icy chill of air brushing against my cheeks. Jean has his arms wrapped tightly around me while I sit in between his legs. Jean yells excitedly as we race down the snowy hill. I dip my face deeper into my scarf, hiding a grin.
When we come to a stop I stand up turning around to face Jean. His nose is slightly red and his blonde hair is just peeking out from the winter hat he is wearing. I'm about to speak when I suddenly get smacked right in the head with a snowball. My jaw drops open as I turn to search for the suspect.
"Sasha! You are so dead!" I yell as I pat out a snowball between my hands. I run towards the brunette as she tries to escape to her and Connie's snow fort. I throw the snowball hitting her right in the back of the head.
"Ahhhhhh!" she yells as she trips and falls into the snow. I quickly catch up and climb on top of her.
"You're such a meanie!" she says to me.
"I'm a meanie!?" I exclaim, "You're the one who started it!" as we wrestle each other we begin giggling.
We both hear a whistle and turn our heads to see Connie looking at us with a sly grin.
"Connie you pervert!" I throw a snowball at him after standing up.
"Oof!" he huffs out, "I can't help it that two attractive girls wrestling gets me going!"
Jean quickly smacks the back of Connie's head, "Don't talk about my girlfriend like that, idiot."
Sasha runs and jumps into Connie's arms and he twists them in a circle.
"It's not like he was insulting her Jean, I mean, Trinity is pretty hot," she says as she wiggles her eyebrows at me. My cheeks are red, and not because of the cold.
"Oh my gosh Sasha…" I try to hide behind my scarf.
"Yeah, she is very beautiful, but she's mine. I'm not sharing with potato girl and baldy," Jean says before wrapping an arm around my shoulders. He leans down and kisses the top of my head.
"When are you going to give that up!" Sasha groans, "I thought everyone finally forgot about that…"
"We can't let you forget that, ever," Connie says with a wide grin, "Besides you're my potato girl, which reminds me…" Connie reaches into his jacket pocket pulling out a crumpled bag of chips, "I brought these for you."
"Connie!" Sasha squeals as she yanks the bag from his fingers and rips it open, "This is why I love you!"
"You guys are the weirdest couple ever…" Jean says as he rubs his temple.
"Jean, be nice," I smirk at him.
"What? It's true," he laughs.
I hang my scarf inside my locker, and grab my books for the day. Just as I close the locker door I feel familiar arms wrap around my waist.
"Let's get out of here," he whispers in my ear.
"Jean… it's the first day back to school, no," I turn around in his arms, "We are almost finished with senior year, let's graduate together."
I smile up at him as he leans down to kiss me.
"Ow!" Jean's forehead meets mine after Mr. Levi hits him over the back of the head.
"Where do you think you are, brats? Get to class," he says before walking away.
Jean and I laugh before we start walking to class hand in hand.
"What's on your mind babe?" Jean reaches a hand over to my lap, grabbing one of my own.
"Hm?" I shake my head before looking over to him in the driver's seat.
"You're spacing out more than usual," he laughs lightly, "What are you thinking about?"
"Oh…" I furrow my brow, "Well, I just noticed Eren hasn't been in school since we've been back…"
Jean's hand loosens a bit before he returns it to the steering wheel, "So?"
"Don't you think that's weird? He hasn't harassed me at all since the dance," I return my gaze out the window.
"That's a good thing, isn't it?" I pick up the hint of annoyance in Jean's tone.
"Yeah… I suppose so," I sigh a little resting my hand against my cheek as I continue to stare outside.
"He's what!?" I ask startled through the phone.
"Eren has been hospitalized!" Sasha says with concern, "Mikasa told Annie, who told Reiner, who told Connie, who told me, he's seriously depressed Trinity!"
"He couldn't have gotten this way because of…" I hesitate. No… it can't be because of me. Could it?
"I'm sure it's not because of you Trin..." Sasha tries to reassure me.
"Well how bad is he?" I ask as my throat begins to feel tighter.
"I don't really know the details… but…" I hear a hiccup before she continues, "I guess Mikasa found him… with an empty pill bottle… he… he tried to kill himself."
I instantly feel guilt take over. This is my fault. He was fine before. I never considered his feelings… I used him and it crushed him.
"Trinity?" Sasha pulls me back to reality.
"I've gotta go Sasha," I say before hanging up.
I quickly grab my coat and scarf throwing them on as I run down the stairs. I pull on my boots and run out the door.
I run as fast as I can to the nearest bus stop. By the time I reach it, I am quickly out of breath. Running in winter gear is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
"Please, I have to see him," I try to plead with the receptionist.
"You're not on the list of visitors, I'm sorry, I can't let you in," she replies before continuing her paper work.
I stand there still for a moment. I have to see him. It's all my fault. I'm the reason he is here. I look around, there aren't any security guards by the right stairwell. I slowly make my way over there. I look back, the receptionist is still stuck with her nose in papers.
After making my way through the first two floors I had no luck finding his room. On the third floor I'm scanning the names that are on the boards outside the rooms.
"Jaeger" is written neatly on the door in front of me. I have my hand on the doorknob. Should I be here? What if I make things worse? No. I have to know how he's doing. I have to apologize. I knock lightly on the door.
"Come in," I hear his shakey voice.
As I step inside, I close the door behind me. He's turned away, looking out the window. His arm has an IV attached to it, his body is thin beneath the hospital gown. His hair is long, falling slightly over his eyes. Dark bags lay just below his dull green eyes.
"You're here early Mika-" he stops talking once his head turns.
"Eren…" I start as I take a step towards his bed. Hot tears already streaming down my face. He looks at me, eyes wide. His mouth opens slowly, and then he closes it into a firm line.
"Why are you here?" he says with a hiss his eyes narrowing.
"I-I'm s-so sorry…" I quietly begin to sob as I look at the floor. I can't meet his gaze, "I-its all m-my fault."
He stays silent. All that can be heard in the room is my sobbing. I fall to my knees as I bring my hands to my face.
"No…" he says just loud enough for me to hear him.
I lift my head, wiping at my face, "What?" I ask confused.
"It's not your fault…" he starts, "Not totally… you don't understand."
"How is this not my fault Eren!" I say a little too loudly, "You started acting weird after I… after… you know…"
"That only triggered…" he gestures to himself, "This."
What could he possibly be talking about? What's going on? And why is he the calm one right now? He should hate me…
"Hey!" a booming voice comes from behind me, "You can't be in here!"
Before I know it, I'm being lifted from the ground in strong arms.
"Eren!" I yell out, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry…" I look at his sad face before the door is closed behind me.
"What were you thinking!?" Jean's grip on the steering wheel is turning his knuckles white.
"I'm sorry," I apologize for the umpteenth time. My hands are clasped tightly together in my lap.
"You could have been arrested! Or worse! Eren could have hurt you!" he yells angrily, "Why did you call me? You could have called your dad to pick you up. I had to leave work, and on one of the busiest nights! My boss will probably fire me."
"I'm sorry…" I don't know what else to say. I've never seen Jean this upset.
"SAY SOMETHING ELSE DAMNIT!" he presses down on the brakes hard after pulling over, he puts the car in park, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!?"
I didn't think I had any tears left to give, but I was wrong… so wrong. My entire body was shaking as I sobbed.
"I-I… I-it's all m-my fault," I stuttered through sobs, "I-I put him there… he-he's depressed b-because of me…"
I feel a rush of cold air before hearing the door slam closed. I continue to cry into my hands as I hear Jean yell outside. I am a horrible person… I never think of anyone else, I'm selfish. I shouldn't put my burden on anyone else. I quickly get out of the car, and quickly start running into the snowy field.
"Trinity! Where are you going?" I hear Jean yell, before hearing the crunch of snow behind me. I try to run as best as I can through the thick snow, my breath quickly becoming labored. I trip and fall forward into the snow. My face burns from the cold mixing with my hot tears.
"Trinity!" I hear Jean as he leans down pulling me into his arms. He cradles my head against his chest, "I'm sorry…"
My body shakes in his arms.
"I had no clue you felt so guilty, but…" he hesitates before continuing, "Why do you feel so guilty? It's not like you guys dated, or anything…"
I feel a stab of guilt in my gut. That's right… Jean doesn't know me and Eren… we had sex.
"We had sex," I say quietly. I need to be honest, what's the point in lying anymore? "Before you and I got serious, Eren and I… we…"
His grip only tightens around me, he leans his head down so that I can hear him better, "So you think because of us dating, you choosing me, that's why he is depressed? You're blaming yourself for his actions?"
I nod my head slowly.
"Idiot," he says into my ear, "I know it doesn't seem like it, but Eren and I were close when we were kids," he sighs, "He's been dealing with depression a lot longer than you think, he had a messed up childhood."
"What are you talking about?" I ask him before looking up to meet his gaze. His eyes were full of sadness.
"It's not my place to say, but Eren has his bad days, and they are always around the time he started spiraling out, I guess the rest of us are used to it, he usually ends up seeing a doctor, but this time was different."
I stay quiet as I try to listen to Jean. Eren has been struggling his entire life… I had no idea. He seemed so happy before. He hid it so well. What happened between us, made him stop taking his medication, at least that's what Jean heard from the others. That's why Eren started acting out…
"So, it's not your fault… understand?" he kisses the top of my head.
"Why didn't anyone tell me?" I ask.
"It wasn't really our place to say anything…" Jean sighs before he stands up, pulling me with him, "Let's get you home and warmed up, okay? I'll stay as long as you need me to."
AUTHORS NOTE:
So this chapter may be a bit confusing? I hope not.
The beginning of this chapter was so fluffy, and turned dark pretty quick. D:
Well we discovered why Eren has been acting so weird, and next chapter I think we will figure out why. We will also go into more depth into how Jean feels about Eren and Trinity, because we all know he's not going to let that just fly by.
I've had a bit of writers block. Hopefully this all comes together well. I hope you guys continue to read, and enjoy my story!
Thank you so much for reading, it really means a lot, and makes me incredibly happy when I get your reviews. ^-^
Stay tuned for next week!