Where a Lie Leads - Chapter 4
AN: Once again, thank you for all of the reviews and follows. This is quite a community. Know that I enjoy so many of the stories I read here.
DISCLAIMER: None of these characters are mine, but they are memorable. Thank you Mr. Marlowe.
"Castle – I remember everything, too."
Of all the things she could say, of all the words she could put together in a coherent sentence – this was the one thing he totally does not expect.
This is out of character – way out of character for Beckett. Beckett doesn't attack emotional issues head-on. She draws them out, for months and years. She's no closer to closure with her mother's murder today than a decade ago. She's no closer to an honest and open relationship with him than she was three years ago. There are so many things that would not have surprised him to hear come from her lips.
"Castle, please, you don't understand."
"Castle, I just need a little more time."
"Castle, please, I need you to listen to me."
Any of those statements would have been in-line with the Kate Beckett he knows. And any of those statements would have fueled his feet to keep walking, faster, putting as much distance between him and the eventual pain that he knows comes with Beckett. But this?
I remember everything, too.
This? No, this is unexpected. Never in his wildest and most fanciful dreams did he ever see Beckett coming clean with him. His plan – or what in his mind constituted a plan – was to never see Kate Beckett again. The problem with that was that he never accounted for that plan going awry. He never expected her to show up at a book signing. Why would she? She's got her doctor boyfriend and now she's the hero cop who survived a sniper's bullet. There was no reason for their paths to cross again. They traveled in distinctly different circles and it was only a chance encounter three years ago that intersected their journeys.
No, this is unexpected. Seeing her and now having her open up, and admit what she had done?
He stares at her for a moment. She is wondering what he is thinking. She no longer can read his eyes. She has no idea what is going on inside that hurting and imaginative mind of his. Similarly, he looks in her eyes, and he sees pain, but now with all that has happened, he no longer trusts what he is seeing. The wound of deception still runs deep.
He makes his mind up in a few seconds, and with a few quick strides is upon her, grabbing her hand and pulling her across the street to the city park there. She sits on one swing, he sits on one next to her. A minute passes. Neither says a word. Finally, Castle stands up and starts pacing. He walks back and forth, in front of her swing, occasionally glancing at her. She stares at him, her eyes never leaving his pacing form. His thoughts are racing circles in his head, no caution flag in sight. He wasn't ready for this. He is searching for the right words. She bails him out.
"How did you know?"
She asks the question so softly, he almost doesn't hear it. His first thought is to think that was such a dumb question. He relaxes a bit, though, when he realizes that he's dragged her over to the park, and is pacing to and fro, and he's got nothing. No words have come from his mouth. Thankfully, she has said something, anything, to start the discussion.
"How did you know I lied to you?" she asks again.
He stares at her, fighting the tears that are stinging his eyes; the tears he swore to himself that he no longer had for this beautiful, damaged woman sitting in front of him. Upon seeing the glistening in his eyes, tears streak down her cheeks, with silent sobs snuffed inside her throat.
"Because you are the most maddeningly extraordinary person I know. Your heart is damaged and walled off, but your brain is brilliant, cunning and ruthless when it has to be. Your heart might not have been able to take being shot, but your brain, your mind – it would never give up like that."
He sees her staring at him through tears, and so he continues now – the words gushing forward, totally unfiltered.
"You lived through your mom's murder, and remembered it all. You lived through your dad's alcoholism, and remembered it all. You were blown up in your apartment, for crying out loud, and you remembered every minute of it. You were kept in the dark by the mentor you loved and respected. He sacrifices himself for you, and you remembered every minute of it. And now you get shot – and that – that is what finally pushes your brain into retreat mode? No, I didn't buy it. Not for one damn minute, Beckett. But I have a question for you."
She knew it would come, and she has been waiting for it. Her heart skips yet another beat as she realizes that even now, she doesn't really have a good answer for it.
"Why, Kate? Why?"
She hears her name. Her first name. Not "Detective" or "Beckett". He's called her Kate. She begins to break – but her mind – her brilliant mind as he called it – takes over from her heart. She can't trust her heart to find the right words right now. Her heart will come up with excuses. He doesn't need to hear excuses right now. He needs to hear truth – so she pushes the emotional, plausible explanations aside, and just talks turkey with him.
"Does it matter why, Rick? I screwed up. That's the bottom line. I screwed up and now I am trying desperately to fix it. When I am cornered, I build walls. It's what I do, and I'm good at it – really, really good at it. I have years, Rick, years of experience building these walls. And once they go up, I will do anything – anything to protect these walls that protect me. I shut people out to protect these walls. I shut people down to protect these walls."
She hesitates for a second . . .
"I lie to people I love to protect these walls. I'm damaged goods, Castle."
He hears the word "love". It's the word he has wanted to hear from her for quite a while now. But he can't be sure if – even now in the midst of what appears to be an honest explosion from her – if it really isn't the walls talking yet again. But he has to know what she means.
"How did I corner you? Why build a wall with me?
"Rick, I was lying in a hospital bed. I'd just been shot in the heart. My boyfriend has performed surgery on me, but he's never told me he loves me. You have just jumped to save me from a bullet, and you are the one who tells me you love me. I wake up and he is there one minute, then you are there the next minute. And I've just been shot, Rick. Captain Montgomery is dead, I should be dead, you could have been dead. C'mon, Castle, give me this much. That's a hell of a day to go through."
As much as he hates to admit it, he has to give her that much. That is a lot to handle in one day.
"I thought it would just be a couple of days. That's all I needed, Castle. Just a couple of days. But I was wrong. One day turned into two days, and two days turned into a week. Before I knew it, a couple of weeks had passed and I get discharged and then I just had to get away. I see Josh every day, I see Lanie every day, I see Javi and Ryan every day. But you're gone. I know, I know, I pushed you away. I wanted to reach out to you, but now it's been two weeks. It's been too long. It's too late. So I had to get away."
He isn't saying anything, but he isn't walking away either. So she continues.
"So I broke it off with Josh. I had a couple of months of disability available to me, and I wanted to call you and ask you to come with me, but it's been weeks now. How do I tell you 'Hey Castle, I lied about remembering anything, but can you drop everything and come go away for a couple of months with me because I need you now?'"
"I wanted to come clean with you, Castle, but I waited too long. And every minute, every hour, every day that passed by added one more damn layer of bricks that I couldn't climb over. Every day that passed by was one more wall too thick for me to break through and tell you the truth."
He sits down beside her, and for a moment, neither says a word. Feet dangling on the ground off the swings, they let their normal motion propel them quietly, softly. The entire time, he stares deeply into her eyes, and she stares back, hoping he will see what he needs to see. Finally, he looks wistfully back to the book store across the street.
"I understand," he says.
She allows herself her first small smile in days. It's not much, yet it is everything. It's only a small step, but it's enough for now.
"So, what now," he says, looking at her nervously.
"Can I ask you a question," she asks.
"Sure."
"It's really not fair of me to ask."
"Yes, I still love you, Kate."
Her eyes mist. She wants to smile, but it won't come. She wants to break out it laughter, celebrating, but neither does that come. Because she is waiting for the other shoe – that she knows is coming – to drop.
"But you don't trust me."
It's not a question. And his silence is all the answer she needs. She's really blown it. Love is one thing, but trust is everything. But she wants this. She wants him. She wants him badly. And she is finally committed to doing new things.
"I love you, Rick. And I trust you. That can be enough for now."
"You think so?"
"It will have to be. I love you Rick, but I want to love you more. These walls are killing me, and I can't tear them down on my own. I have tried, and tried and tried. For over ten years, and they just get bigger and taller and thicker. I can't love you the way I want, the way you deserve to be loved with these walls. I need your help."
Before he can answer, his phone rings. He doesn't recognize the number. He really doesn't want to answer, but he has a daughter at school and a mother off on Broadway somewhere – it could be anyone calling on their behalf. He picks it up on the third ring.
"Mr. Castle – my name is Mr. Smith. I'm an associate of Roy Montgomery. We need to talk."
AN: One more chapter – I think – and we will be finished here. Thank you so much to all of you for reading and sharing your thoughts.