Chapter 7

"So let me get this straight." Bon said, "You want us to do something that you, the genius, prodigal exorcist, can't handle. Something that has to do with a demon."

"Fuck you, Bon. My brother is not a demon." Yukio snarled.

"He isn't, is he? Then what do you call the tail, the fangs, the ears, the nails, the fucking blue flames that shoot out of his body whenever he gets mad?" Bon baited. He hoped that Yukio would come to this realization on his own without too much help.

"Bon, that's a really mean thing to say! Don't hurt Yuki like that! Can't you see that he's already upset?" Shiemi said, wrapping her arms tighter around Yukio.

"Oh, he's hurt, is he? He's not the one being blamed for someone else's failures and other things that I can't control. Rin is his own person, he does what he wants! Don't blame me for it!" Bon shouted

"But you were the one who was supposed to be watching him!" Yukio replied.

"Wasn't that your job until just a few hours ago?"

"I was only supposed to watch him to make sure that he didn't hurt anyone else!"

"But he's your fucking brother!"

"That doesn't mean I can stop him from doing anything! I just want to try... I want to make Rin happy. After everything, I want my big brother to be happy. He's not a demon... He's my brother. I want..." Yukio trailed off.

"Don't be such a hypocrite, teach." Bon sat down on the bed opposite Yukio. "You want Rin to be happy. You blame the rest of us for not making that happen. You didn't even help him in the first place, and you aren't trying to now. If you had looked, listened, paid him enough attention, then maybe you could have-" Bon was cut off.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SEE THESE THINGS WHEN HE WON'T EVER SHOW IT TO ANYONE?" Yukio shouted. Bon smirked. He'd taken the bait.

"Precisely."

"What?" Yukio was just confused now.

"He won't show us anything. For some reason, he feels that he's not worthy of our help, of your help, of anyone's kindness. For some reason, he thinks he must be the ultimate evil or something, and that he deserves punishment. In his mind, he doesn't deserve us, no matter how much he wants it. Hurting him like we did probably just made him even more stubborn on that point, unfortunately. He won't show it, but he's desperate." Bon explained. "Even if we tell him he's not a demon, and he isn't, he's not just going to believe it because there is probably something convincing him otherwise."

"But then... If you don't think that Rin is a demon, then why were you calling him a demon earlier?" Yukio said angrily.

"Because I wanted to provoke you, get your brain thinking on the right track, and help you to get it all out. Or at least some of it. Both of you brothers are totally helpless, you know that? You both keep trying to protect each other, one with his martyr complex, and the other with his obsessive need to prove himself. If you just talk it out, you might get somewhere useful." Bon said.

"I... I think Bon might be right, Yuki." Shiemi commented quietly.

"You're taking his side?" Yukio glared.

Shiemi flinched. "I can only see this from the outside, and what Bon says seems to be true. Rin always tries to protect everyone, even at the cost of himself. Remember when Amaimon attacked during the camping trip? And you are always staring after him, like he's winning a race and that you need to catch up to him. You try to protect him too."

"But I just couldn't this time." Yukio sighed. It seemed that he'd calmed down.

"Yukio, don't get upset with what I'm going to say next." Bon warned.

"Why?"

"Because you've just calmed down and I don't want you to work yourself up again. Believe it or not, that could be just as unhealthy as what Rin's doing." Bon explained.

Yukio flinched, took a deep breath, and sighed. He had to listen, and he could maintain composure at least for the duration of the talk. "Okay. Let's hear it."

Bon eyed him suspiciously, but when Yukio seemed to be staying calm, he spoke. "I highly doubt that this is the first time Rin has cut himself."

Yukio looked like he'd been punched in the gut. "I-I had had my suspicions, but please, tell me why." He was barely keeping himself in control.

"A person doesn't just have plans and hiding spots like this picked out. To be as good as he is at hiding it, he should have had a good amount of time to practice. To be honest, if we tried, I don't think we could find all of his instruments of self harm if we searched your room, and other places he frequents, for days. He's good at it. He knows what people will see, he knows what people will look for, and if this was his first time, then there's no doubt you would have noticed something a month ago when all of this probably started."

Yukio had to let out the breath he'd been holding in. It made perfect sense. Rin seemed to know where he'd be, how long he'd be gone, how much time he could spend alone in any one place without being followed or checked up on. Rin knew that he'd notice him carrying bloody knives, or fooling around with scissors, paper clips, and pop tabs. He knew that there were certain objects that Yukio wouldn't suspect, and Yukio knew that he still wouldn't think of them unless Rin pulled them out and shoved the bloodied objects in his face.

There was no way that this all started a month ago. Maybe it had died down for a bit and he'd picked that habit up again a month ago, but there was no way that this had started just then.

"You're right." Yukio said without any emotion. "I'm a fool, and I haven't paid enough attention to my brother. He's been doing this for a long time. I just didn't notice."

"You agree? That easily?" Bon looked skeptical, but the look on Yukio's face convinced him otherwise.

"Yes. You're right. There is absolutely no way that this past month was his first time."

"So does that mean you have an idea about when this first time might have been? What might have caused it?" Bon asked.

"I don't know if I can pinpoint a specific time, but I might be able to guess a reason." Yukio replied

"What is it?" Shiemi asked.

"Rin's business." Yukio replied.

"It's all of our business now, four-eyes. If nothing else, we can at least try to prevent triggering another episode like this by knowing what's going on." Bon insisted.

"I think it has something to do with his time in elementary school. He never had friends. Not a single one. He got mad easily, violent, and he was incredibly strong. He once destroyed an entire classroom in only a couple of minutes because a kid called him a demon..." Yukio trailed off, coming to a realization.

Bon had the same epiphany. "Because he was called a demon, treated like a demon, essentially told that he wasn't worth anything in anyone's eyes. That's almost the same as being told to just go die." Bon said sadly.

"And I said that to him once, just after he became a demon." Yukio reflected sadly.

"Yukio, don't go there. You do not start thinking down there." Bon warned.

"The teachers treated him horribly, neighbours and other people around town said and did terrible things to him, all of us at the monastery even scolded him for trying to do the right thing sometimes. It didn't matter that he was trying to help people, because they all saw a violent punk with ridiculous strength, and a large capacity for destruction. If anything happened, he was blamed, eve if it wasn't his fault. If I had to take a guess, I would say that he might have started around nine or ten years old. Old enough for the words to stick and wreak havoc in his mind, young enough to be impulsive, not that he still isn't, and old enough to consider doing something about it. It didn't help that the name 'Demon' followed him everywhere. On the streets, through school, job interviews, for all I know."

"And when we started treating him like a demon again... He just broke?" Bon finished uncertainly.

Yukio started to cry.

"Maybe you don't think it's worth it, but I do. It can only hurt me because I'm the only one who might give a damn about me." I stated in between harsh breaths.

"If that's the way you want to think, then tell me, why am I here right now if I don't give at least a little bit of a damn about you, huh? Why am I in here trying to comfort you?" Izumo asked.

"Because Yukio asked you to." I replied. It was the only reason. Yukio is the golden child, the genius, the prodigy. People love Yukio. People will do anything for Yukio, and I'm no exception.

"Or because I know what it feels like and I want to help you. Believe it or not, Yukio didn't ask me to come up here. I was exploring, saw Bon running away, and figured you could use some company. If Bon looked upset, I could only imagine how bad off you were." She rebutted.

"But you don't know how it feels." I said.

"I just told you my story. Is yours that much different?" Izumo asked.

"YES! YES IT IS! YOU CAN'T EVER UNDERSTAND!" I shouted, letting tears fall freely now. I knew I was crying, but whatever. It's not like anyone fucking cares. It's not like they won't mock the shit out of me later or ignore me again. They've done it before. It won't be any different from how it used to be. Life doesn't change. It only gets worse.

"Really? Then explain it to me. Try me. Make me understand. If I'm too stupid, or too ignorant, then throw the information at my head and keep pushing it in there until it sticks!" Izumo said harshly.

"And why would you want to know?"

"Because I do give a damn, whatever you think. And if you don't want to believe that, then we'll just call it a trade. My story for yours. Fair trade, equivalent exchange, one tale for another." Izumo replied.

"Fucking logical arguments." I mumbled. "All my life I've been called a demon. I hurt my father, destroyed school property, hurt people by accident, and all around acted like a demon. I can't even help someone properly without messing something up. I'll always be a demon in the eyes of the world.

"I got depressed. My grades fell. People started ratting on me about that too. Now I was a demon and a dunce. I knew I could do the work, I just couldn't make myself do it. I had no energy, no motivation, so I did what I could to get by.

"One day, I punched a guy hard enough to scrape my knuckles. He was beating a puppy with a stick, so I decided to beat his face. I think I was nine. Not terribly great logic. Anyways, when I saw my hand bleeding, it didn't even really hurt. It was felt kind of cool, a little calm. I could at least start thinking straight. I told the kid to run away, then took the puppy to a shelter. They assumed that I had done the damage, and screamed at me to leave. I couldn't argue. I had a reputation, and my hand was bleeding.

"That's when I thought about self harming the first time. I found a sharp rock on the side of the road and dragged it across my arm. It bled and I felt calm. Since I was the cook for the monastery, I tried it again with a kitchen knife. It felt really nice. It barely hurt, and I liked the look of my blood. I figured that I deserved the name demon after that. Who enjoys the sight of blood, but a demon? Or even a vicious animal. Either way, I was no human. Just an animal or a demon.

"Soon after that, I thought about cleanup and evidence. With a kitchen knife, I could just wash the knife in the dishwater, clean the blood off my skin the same way, and roll down my sleeves to cover the wound. That wasn't hard, but the kitchen wasn't exactly private all the time. I needed to find other ways. I found razor blades, bits of plastic, mirrors, glass, rocks, scissors, pop tabs, paper clips, pins, art and craft supplies, basically anything semi-sharp or more. I could even use paper if I was desperate. The smaller the better too. It made it easier to hide. If anyone tried, I doubt they'd find all of my tools after days of searching. I have too many, and I have too many years of practice hiding them. There is no way to keep me from anything sharp. If all else fails, I still have my nails and teeth.

"That all lasted for six years. Anytime they hurt me, I'd cut. If I felt guilty about Yukio, I cut. If I wanted to, I cut. It didn't really matter why or how, where or how big.

"Then, I actually became a demon. I pulled out the sword, I was told I'd need to die or be killed, but I joined the exorcist school instead. I was a demon, and for the first time, while I was here, I was treated like a human. People liked me, I thought. I felt happy, I think. I have a hard time remembering that feeling. I didn't even really feel the need to cut during that time. Then again, I was only treated like a human because you all thought that I was a human. I'm a demon, and son of the worst of them all. And I can't get away with it because I'm not like Yukio. I'm not a prodigy, I'm not a genius, I can barely pass any of the classes! But you all treated me like I was human. Even though I was a demon, I was treated like a human, the opposite of before, a human being treated like a demon. Then when you all found out, it's not like it made me any different. I was a demon again, and that's all anyone ever sees. I'm violent, hateful, and can't be trusted not to kill everyone around me. I've worked hard, I can mostly control my flames now, and none of it makes a damn difference.

"In then end, being ignored is all I'm good for. If I'm being ignored, I might as well not exist. But suicide isn't that easy when you're a demon. The damn body heals too fast, and most of my self harm scars don't even stay because they aren't deep enough. I have no choice. I keep living this fucking hell forever, and I don't even have the option of dying. Karma, I guess. I was born bad, so I'm to be treated bad. It all makes sense, doesn't it?" I smirked. "It's just the way it is."

I put my head back in between my knees and kept crying. Then I noticed a small warmth on my shoulder. How long had that been there? I didn't notice when it was put there. Is that Eyebrows trying to make me feel better? Or show me that we have some sort of connection or something? I don't know. All I know is that all this fucking hurts. I shouldn't have said anything. Now she can blackmail me and hurt me more. I don't know why I just said everything I did. I could have stopped after saying I was picked on a lot and that it made me feel bad. Why did I keep talking? And why does the pain feel like a dull ache now, instead of a heavy pressure? I don't know! I'm just so confused. I'm tired and my head hurts and I hate this! I can't think straight anymore and I really want to cut right now. It would straighten my head, just like it always does. But I'm not the only one in this room, and I'm really tired. I think I'm just going to sleep.

With that, I fell down against my pillow, leftover tears making a small wet patch on the cloth. If I had been awake and looked up, I might have seen a puffy-eyed Izumo put a spare blanket over me and I might have heard her whisper to me.

"Thanks for telling me. You sounded like you really needed to talk. I hope that it makes you feel better tomorrow. Sleep well, my friend."