Kakorrhaphiophobia - fear of failure (AkaFuri)

"You lost?"

Seijūrō, his hands clenched into fists that he was so tempted to use, merely ducked his head. "I'm sorry, father."

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Seijūrō. If you're not winning, then I can't let you play basketball anymore."

He looked back up at his father. "I already quit the team."

—-

"You know, as good a player Reo-nee is, I can't believe you chose him to be captain." Hayama dropped down in front of Seijūrō and frowned at him. "I can't believe you stepped down at all, actually. Don't you want to take revenge on Seirin? Especially on that boy of yours."

Seijūrō frowned at him. "If I'm not winning then there's no point. And he's not my boy."

"Trouble in paradise?" he quipped. Reo, who had popped up behind him, cuffed him around the head. "Sorry, Sei-chan," he Hayama said, pouting at Reo. "I didn't mean it in a bad way. I worry about you."

Seijūrō did miss this, actually. His team were good and hardworking. Maybe it had been a mistake to quit the team. They'd won last year, after all.

But then his stomach sank to his feet and he could hear it again '97 to 95, Seirin wins' and his heart picked up double time as his legs had almost given out. He'd kept upright only by sheer force of will so this was what failing felt like? and if he'd lost once at basketball chances were he'd lose again and the losses would multiply and bleed into other areas of his life.

"I was considering quitting the basketball team anyway," he lied. Hayama and Reo looked at each other before turning back to Seijūrō.

"Why?" Reo said.

Seijūrō shrugged. If he kept casual then maybe they would stop trying to drag him back. "I want to focus on shogi and my father wants me to start looking at positions in the company. I wouldn't have had enough time." He stood up and straightened his uniform.

"If you're sure…" Reo shot another look at Hayama. "But what of Kōki?"

A shard of ice was in Seijūrō's heart but he kept his expression neutral. "Kōki?"

Hayama rolled his eyes. "Yes, Kōki. The boy you courted for just under a year and practically forced to go out with you."

"I don't like what you're implying here."

"Woah, I didn't mean it as bad," Hayama raised up his hands. "But you have to admit that you did push yourself onto him until he fell for you and you've been pretty… well… ecstatic ever since. But now he has to resort to texting me and Reo-nee to find out how you're doing?"

The shard was growing bigger. "I'm considering breaking it off with him."

Hayama's mouth dropped open and Reo grabbed onto his arm. "You're no longer my captain, so may I punch you?" He stepped back when Seijūrō fixed him with a cold glare. "Sei-chan, why are you saying something like that? I've seen you two together."

"Congratulations," Seijūrō said dryly.

"Don't… Sei-chan, he feels bad about the way they won too."

"It's not because Seirin won that I want to break up with him. It wouldn't ever have lasted; we're too different. And it's not like my father would ever agree with me having a relationship with a man."

"Sei—"

"Let it go." His resolve was already faltering anyway.

—-

Kōki had been trying to get in contact with him for two weeks now, ever since Rakuzan's loss. Seijūrō hadn't been able to open any of the messages. He skimmed through them quickly that night, the ice becoming colder at Kōki's obvious worry and anger at being ignored. He called him, sinking to the floor as it rang out and he was sent to voicemail. "Kōki, it's me. Call me when you get this message, please." He stayed on the line for a couple more seconds, fighting the urge to say 'I love you'. The first time he'd said it, it had shocked him, but now it rolled off his tongue so easily, almost synonymous with Kōki.

The ice was encasing him.

—-

Kōki called back maybe an hour later.

"Seijūrō! I'm so sorry, I was at practice. I thought Rakuzan practiced too on Fridays? How are you?"

"I'm fine."

He'd thought that he sounded perfectly normal; he'd practiced not showing more than the necessary emotions for years, and this was aphone conversation; it wasn't as if Kōki was in front of him.

"You don't sound fine. Sei, if this is about the game I am so sorry. I wasn't thinking straight. I shouldn't have pretended to be hurt; it was a cheap, awful trick and you can punish me however you want."

Seijūrō heard laughter from the other end of the line and one of his teammates - Fukuda? Kawahara? - yell out, "Dude, leave that talk for the bedroom."

"Shut up," Kōki said. "I mean that, Seijūrō," he said in a softer voice full of implications that made Seijūrō's breath hitch in his throat.

Seijūrō was tempted; one more night wouldn't hurt, would it? "Are you free tomorrow?"

"Yes," he answered, a smile in his voice.

He felt the same way he did after the loss; everything was over. Even if he'd known from the beginning that he and Kōki couldn't reallywork out he'd still held onto the naïve hope that somehow something would change.

"Can we meet up? We need to talk."

He could feel the shock on the other side of the line. "Sei…?" Seijūrō said nothing. "I… yes. Of course." Seijūrō cut him off and dropped the phone next to him, his eyes fixed on a vase, some family heirloom.

Would it have turned out differently if he hadn't been born an Akashi? Probably. He'd still be playing basketball. He would have a future with Kōki.

It was as if he was watching someone else's hand when he took the vase, weighed it against his palm, and threw it at a mirror. Both priceless objects smashed and pieces skittered across the hardwood floor, the shards somehow more beautiful than the complete objects.

—-

Kōki opened the door within a second of Seijūrō's ringing the doorbell and immediately leapt on him to hug him, before jumping back. "Sorry. I've missed you."

Seijūrō bit down on his tongue. "Can we talk?"

Kōki fiddled with the doorknob, colour rising in his cheeks. "Yeah, sure." He opened the door wider to let him in. "My family's out for the day." It sounded like some sort of warning.

"The thing is, Kōki… I've been thinking about it for a while…" he looked down the hall and braced himself.

"Wait, let me talk first. What I did… I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pretended to be hurt. Rakuzan deserved to win."

Seijūrō narrowed his eyes, though he couldn't bring himself to look at Kōki. "I didn't have to fall for it. It's fine. That's not why I'm here."

"Oh?"

"We don't have a future."

Kōki was absolutely silent until Seijūrō risked a glance at him, at which point he let out a breath, crossed his arms and said, "How so?"

"We're too different. I just don't think it'll work."

"I never thought…" Kōki gave a hard laugh and when Seijūrō looked at him again he was surprised to see that Kōki looked angry. "Out of the two of us, I didn't think that you'd be the one to get cold feet first."

"It's not cold feet, Kōki. I've thought about this."

"Reo-chan told me that you quit the basketball club."

Seijūrō could feel himself panicking. He'd scripted all of this out but Kōki was reacting completely differently to how he'd thought. "This isn't about basketball."

"No, it's not," Kōki agreed. "This is about you being scared."

"Scared? I'm not scared of anything, Kōki." At least, he'd thought. Nothing was more powerful than an emperor, after all.

"You're scared of failure, Akashi."

Seijūrō flinched at the use of his family name, but it gave him the surge of anger he needed to break out of this conversation. "We're over, Furihata."

But Kōki slammed the door shut and stood against it. "You're failing right now, Sei."

"I'm not." He sounded like a petulant child – he sounded likeAtsushi – and hated it. He hated the fact that Kōki was right, that he'd cut through and understood the core so easily. "Let me go."

Kōki only shook his head. "Don't run away. Don't leave." His voice cracked slightly and a tremor ran through his body.

"Kōki…" This should have been easy. Only a year ago Kōki would have been ecstatic at the prospect of Seijūrō leaving, or been too scared to do anything about it.

He let himself slide down the wall onto the floor. "I've never failed before."

"I know."

"I can't risk it again."

"So that's why you quit the basketball team?" When Seijūrō didn't respond he tutted. "You're an idiot sometimes. You really think that losing is a reason to stop with something you love? Or someone?" He seemed to have determined Seijūrō as no longer being a flight risk and settled next to him on the floor. "Listen, I know you. Probably better than I know myself, so the moment you stop loving me I'll be out of your life. But I'll be damned if I leave or let you leave and I know you still love me. And anyway, if we give up now then that would be the failure."

Seijūrō was starting to smile a bit and he caught Kōki's hand. "I'm not going to win, am I?"

Kōki shook his head slowly. "And you'll have to get used to it. Want to go play some basketball?"

"Not quite yet." He leaned forwards and kissed Kōki. "You said your family was out for the day?"

"Message received," Kōki said with a short laugh. "So this day is turning out better than you expected, huh?"

Seijūrō sighed and jabbed his ribs, even as he followed Kōki upstairs.