Chapter 8

Yukio choked back a few sobs before he began to speak. "Why didn't he just tell me? I wish he'd known that I-I cared about him. He-he doesn't have to be alone. I'll always be there for him, always. I need to fix this. I need him to try to trust me. I swore to our father, a long time ago, that I'd protect him when I became an exorcist. I've been an exorcist for two whole years and that hasn't fucking gotten me anywhere near being able to protect him!"

"Yuki! I've never heard you swear before." Shiemi exclaimed. She was a little shocked at her friend's behaviour.

"Well, I'm frustrated! I'm tired! I'm useless! I can't even help right now! What's a fucking curse or two? It's not going to do or mean shit in the future!" Yukio yelled.

"All right, calm down Teach. You're right, you're tired. It's getting late out and we all have school tomorrow. You've got your high school advanced classes, then you've gotta deal with teaching us newbies tomorrow. It's not going to turn out so well if you don't get your sleep. Why don't you rest up. I bet you'll feel better in the morning." Bon said, hoping to calm the irrational teenager in front of him.

"I can't just go to sleep! My brother's in this building, hurting, and I can't do anything but sit here and worry! And now you expect me to sleep?" Yukio stared at Bon accusingly.

"Yes. How can you help your brother if you're so wound up like this? Your frustration and tension is only going to make him feel worse. Just lie down and rest. When you've got some of your thinking power back, it'll be much more manageable."

"You're saying that I can't think straight right now?"

Bon knew he had to be brutally honest. "Yes. Sleep, now. Or would you rather I knock ya unconscious, y'moron!"

Yukio sighed in defeat. He knew that Bon was right. The rational part of his brain was telling him to do exactly that, but the emotional part didn't want to let him rest when he could be trying to do something. When it came down to sleep or a knock on the head, he knew he had only one choice. "Fine. Shiemi, I'll open a door for you to get back to the supply shop. Bon, please take good care of my brother. Also, let Izumo know she can take any room if she hasn't gone back yet. The dorms are a bit of a walk, and she may not want to go at night. I need to get changed, then I'll go to bed. I guess I'll see you two tomorrow morning, then."

"Glad to hear it, Teach. I'm gonna go back to Rin. You sleep well, y'hear?" Bon said.

"Yeah, got it."

Bon walked out of the room and Yukio took out his keys. He unlocked the door for Shiemi, and went to say his goodbyes when she suddenly wrapped her arms around his back in a strong hug.

"Please sleep well, Yuki. I know it's hard for you, but it's hard for Rin too. Remember that he's probably suffering even more right now, and that you're doing what's best. Even if you don't think so, remember that you're strong, and that you're doing everything right. Rin will come around and appreciate it all in the end. Just give it a little time. Please don't worry yourself too much. I don't want to see you end up hurting like that too." Shiemi said. It was probably the longest speech she'd given in her life.

"Thanks, Shiemi. I may not be as strong as you think, but I greatly appreciate the sentiment. Don't worry about me. I'll just tidy up, then go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow at the cram school." Yukio smiled.

"Okay. Good night Yuki."

"Good night, Shiemi."

Yukio closed the door and let the smile drop from his face. There was no point in worrying her even more. If putting up a smile is all it took to make her feel a little better, then he could do it, no problem.

He wondered if this was what Rin was thinking the whole time. If this is what he had been doing this whole time.

Yukio wandered over to the bathroom where he now kept his toiletries and shower supplies. He picked up his own razor and stared at it. He'd never actually needed it before, he was still too young, but he'd purchased it so that, when the time did come, he'd be prepared. It also made him feel just a little more mature.

He considered what might have been going through Rin's mind every time that he cut. Did he feel hopeless? Worthless? Like he couldn't do anything right? That no one trusted him? That he needed to do something, anything, to make himself feel slightly accomplished? Did he need to prove that he was still the same as everyone else? Did Rin feel just like how he feels right now? Unable to help, or do anything for fear of making the situation even worse?

Yukio placed the blade against the inside of his left forearm. He pressed in and slid it sideways. To his surprise, though it really shouldn't have been, it stung. He felt like it should have felt good, or refreshing, or maybe not like anything at all, but it hurt! Why would Rin do this if it hurt!

All he had to show for it was a very shallow pink line on his arm, only one bead of blood barely swelling up on it. How did Rin do it? His brother had made small streams so easily, and he could only make a tiny bead. It hurt, but only did that tiny amount of damage? What was going through Rin's mind? Why did he do it? It didn't make Yukio feel better at all, he only felt worse.

Yukio put a band-aid over top of the nick before changing and going to bed. He could still feel the sting of the new cut on his arm as he hoped that his thoughts wouldn't prevent him from getting too little sleep.

As Bon approached room 602, he heard muffled talking noises. It sounded like Rin. He hoped that Izumo hadn't picked a fight with him or something. It would be just like her to start something unnecessary like that. Even at a time like this.

As he got closer, he could actually hear the words. It wasn't shouting, but it also wasn't quite mumling either. Just quiet, and fairly calm, talking.

"-suicide isn't that easy when you're a demon. The damn body heals too fast, and most of my self harm scars don't even stay because they aren't deep enough. I have no choice. I keep living this fucking hell forever, and I don't even have the option of dying. Karma, I guess. I was born bad, so I'm to be treated bad. It all makes sense, doesn't it? It's just the way it is."

Bon instantly felt guilty, remembering what they'd done to him. He'd have to talk some sense into the idiot tomorrow morning. There was some shuffling from the other side of the door, and he heard a little bit of walking. It sounded light, so he assumed that it was Izumo. He heard her whisper something, then walk across the room again. Bon took this opportunity to see if he could go back inside. He shouldn't make the girl stay any longer than she has to, especially when she didn't really care that much in the first place. He knocked lightly on the door, waited a few seconds, then opened it slowly and walked inside.

"Hey, I was-" He was cut off by a glare from Izumo, who held a finger to her lips, then pointed at Rin's sleeping figure.

"Oh, sorry." He whispered, and looked towards the floor. "I was just coming back to tell you that I can take over the watch. You know, since I kind of moved in here and all. And Yukio told me to tell you that if it's too late for you to walk home, you can use any room you like in the dormitory. If you want to walk back instead, then I guess that's your choice." He then looked up to see her face. "Hey, what happened to your eyes? Did Okumura say something to you?" Then he looked around and spotted the fallen blade on the floor. Rin had forgotten to put it away. "And what about-"

"Let's go outside." Izumo whispered harshly. She grabbed Bon's arm and dragged him out the door. She didn't let him go until they were a few rooms away, far enough to speak without being accidentally overheard, or accidentally loud enough to wake Rin.

"If you really wanna know, yes, Rin did say something. And before you get all up in his face about it, no, it wasn't mean or harsh or cruel or anything. I was crying because it was really sad, that's all. I cried because it hurt, and you could hear how much it hurt him. Also, before you ask, there is no way in hell I'd ever repeat a word of it to you or anyone else without his consent. You've gotta get him to trust you on your own. It's not too tough, you know? Just listen to him." Izumo stated, a little harshly.

"Wait, what? He actually broke down and confessed to you? To you of all people? After you said that you didn't care?" Bon asked with disbelief.

"What exactly do you mean by 'me of all people?'" Izumo asked, glaring at him.

"Well, you aren't exactly the compassionate or motherly type. Most of the time you're just so cold. You treat everyone like they can't touch you or anything. You keep everyone away except Paku. I don't understand why he'd open up to-to that." Bon stated.

"Well, it looks like you're finally starting to learn." Izumo smirked.

"Learn? Learn what?" Bon asked. Could girls be any more vague and confusing?

"That you don't understand. Just accept that, and listen, and maybe you'll get somewhere. I can't say for him, but if I was in his shoes, that's probably all it would take." Izumo said.

"Yeah, because you have so much experience." Bon said sarcastically.

Izumo glared and looked like she was about to shout at him, but calmed herself down. It didn't go unnoticed by Bon. "You're right. I'm just speaking figuratively, I guess." she said in a dull, flat voice. "But remember that I'm the only one he's opened up to at all!" she almost shouted at him.

"Okay, okay" Bon put up his hands in defense. "I didn't know the whole story before I said that, and that wasn't fair. I'm sorry."

"What whole story?" Izumo eyed him suspiciously.

"Nothing. You don't have to say. And why was there a razor blade on the floor near his bed? It had a little blood on it. Did you let him cut himself too?" Bon changed the subject.

"No, he didn't do anything while I was there. When I walked in, he tried to hide it and just grabbed it up without thinking. He nicked his palm. Then I told him to clean up and put it away. We started talking, and I guess he got distracted and let it fall to the floor. We'd just finished when you walked in." Izumo explained.

"Okay. So I should probably chuck the thing when I get back to the room. I don't want him using anything at all to hurt himself like that. One less tool will just make it at least a little bit harder for him." Bon said.

"Wrong. That won't help at all, trust me. You'll only make your relationship, and this situation, worse if you do that. To help him, he's gotta throw it away on his own." she said.

"And you're the expert now?" Bon asked.

"I got him to trust me." she replied.

"And what does this have to do with anything?" he fired back.

"Because he told you, and all of us, that he only had one condition. Don't make him stop. Throwing it away is the same as telling him to stop. Actions can speak for words. If you toss it, it's like saying you don't trust him to be responsible, whether it's responsible to not kill himself, to not cut, or to toss it, it doesn't matter. I say you should just pick it up, wipe it off if you feel like it, and leave it on his desk. He'll find it, he'll know you've seen it, and he'll know that you know what he wants to do. You can't stop him anyways, and knowing what he's doing, and trusting him with his tool, might just help him to trust you a little too. It shows that you respect his decisions, even if you don't like them. You can at least understand that he does what he does because he feels that he needs to. Trust and respect are mutual. Since you're the one asking for it, you're the one who has to give it first." she explained.

"You know, it really does sound like you're speaking from personal experience." Bon said, looking towards her with a concerned gaze.

"As if. Do I look like that type of person to you?" Izumo asked.

"Yeah, kinda. Most people put up a tough front because they've got something painful to hide. Just like what you're doing right now." he stated.

"Yeah? What about you then? You speaking from personal experience too?" Izumo scoffed.

"Actually, yeah, I am. That's how I know." he said.

"Then you know how I know too. Don't spread it around. And I'm walking back. See you tomorrow in class." she said as she turned on her heel and walked towards the front entrance to the dormitory.

All Bon could think was 'wow.' He didn't think that she'd actually admit to something like that. She wears short sleeves and skirts all the time, so she's not a cutter, but how could she understand what Okumura feels if she isn't? He could understand her tough front, because he does it too, but he couldn't figure out why should could understand Okumura. How would she know what the right actions were if she hadn't been there herself? Or maybe one of her friends? But that just leaves Paku, and there's not way Paku could do that. So what happened to that girl...?

Bon pondered all of this while he walked back to what was previously the twins' room. He knew that he wouldn't find out today, or tomorrow, or possibly ever. It was easy to accept that. Izumo just wasn't the type to talk about such things.

If that was so easy to accept, then why can't he accept that Rin will probably not say anything either? He doesn't talk about these things either, he just acts all outgoing and all that to make it look like he does. Maybe that makes it harder? But Bon knew that he had to accept the fact that he probably wouldn't get anything anytime soon. If he did, maybe it would help Okumura, just a little. If that's all it took, then that's something he could do. Just follow Izumo's advice. Shut up, and listen. Give him trust first, so he can later get trust back.

Bon picked up the fallen blade, wiped it with a tissue, then placed it on Rin's desk. He figured the sleeping teen could figure out what to do with it in the morning. Until then, he had to sleep too. Bon changed, set his alarm clock, and went to bed. Tomorrow would be a real trial. Today was Day 0, tomorrow would be Day 1. The first day with Rin's secret out in the open to all of them.