Chapter 9

Oh crap! I forgot to make lunches for Yukio and me last night! Crap crap crapcrapcrapshit. What time is it? Good, it's only about 4:30. I still have plenty of time to prepare a couple of bentos. I'd better get going and do that.

I got up quickly and made my way to the kitchen. Luckily enough, the fridge still had the extra ingredients, as well as some extra pre-prepared rice I'd made just in case something like this ever happened. Who says I don't use my head? I can think far enough ahead to know that I'll forget this stuff sometimes. And if I go the week without forgetting, then I can sleep in a little bit on Fridays. Don't want all that going bad just because I have a good memory. Now lets see, what do I want to eat today? Hmm...

Oh yeah, Bon is staying here too. Does that mean I should make him lunch too? I guess so, it'd be a nice thing to do. He's a scholarship student just like Yukio, so I guess he doesn't have the money to buy something from Mephisto's cafeteria of instant debt. Maybe if I make him a decent lunch, he'll start to learn that I'm a person, just like he is. Maybe then, he might acknowledge me, he might notice that I exist and might even be worth a grunt or a nod or something? Maybe. I can always hope, right? Hope that maybe I can be seen in a way that doesn't involve harsh stares and glares, insults and condescending behaviour. Just because I'm part demon, it doesn't mean that I'm not part human too.

Or maybe it does. Maybe the demon part just destroyed what was human about me to begin with, although I don't suppose that there would have been too much to destroy. Even as a child, people knew that I was a demon. I've always been a demon, and now I've got the power to prove it. I really hate myself...

I want to cut. Really, really bad. Right now.

And look at my hand. It's got a nice big knife in it. I know I usually avoid kitchen utensils, but no one's gonna bother me here at 4:30am. Bon's asleep, and Yukio's asleep on the other side of the dorm. I should really take advantage of this opportunity. I can't believe they haven't hidden or locked up the kitchen knives yet. Maybe they just forgot? In any case, I bet this thing could do a lot of damage.

Just one more look around to make sure that I'm alone... Good. I don't hear anyone either. Just lower my pants a little – I guess I forgot to change into pyjamas last night – and move my boxers over a little, and a perfect patch of skin to mark. I just have to press and slice, just like cutting up meat on a cutting board.

Well, a body, whether it be human, demon, or animal, is just meat after all. Is it sick to think of it like that? I can butcher myself the same way that I butcher the meat that I put in our lunches. That thought makes me smile a little. Maybe I am just a bit sick in the head. Demon sandwich, demon sushi, demon stir-fry. Maybe it doesn't sound so appetizing, but neither does cow sandwich, fish sushi, and pig stir-fry. Well, maybe fish sushi sounds okay, but that's an exception. Even after it's been turned into food, fish is still called fish, like chicken is still called chicken.

Why did I get so distracted? They could wake up any time! And Kuro could wander across me by accident! Why haven't I thought of Kuro before? He surely smelled the blood on me all this past month. Maybe he doesn't really care about me either? Or was he trying to be respectful? No, he probably hates me just like the rest of them. Not because I'm a demon, but because I killed dad. I killed his master, and he really loved dad a lot. It's all my fault. Completely my fault. I just have to...

A few slices later, I can breathe. I hadn't even noticed that the air had become too thick to swallow. I didn't feel that pressure until after its release just now. But now I just feel so light. Sure, I'm bleeding and the blood is staining my boxers and pants, but I just can't bring myself to care right now. I'm so disconnected, so different, it hardly feels real. I barely feel the cuts, though I know that they're pretty deep. I guess they'll probably scar. I am kind of a chef. I know how to slice meat properly. Of course I'll always do a first-rate job. It's no good if I don't.

Why can't I feel anything? I don't know. I don't know if I care. I don't know if it really matters, to be honest. I don't care. That doesn't matter. I just need to make lunches. Three full bentos. One for Yukio, one for Bon, and one for me. Three lunches. I'm glad I have lots of extra rice.

After making the food, I just went back to bed, only to be woken by a hand roughly shaking my shoulder. At least I'd remembered to change my clothes. There wouldn't be any blood for Bon to see this time. But I felt really groggy. I didn't want him bothering me this early in the morning.

"Get up, ya lazy ass! It's almost 8:30! Class starts in just over half an hour! Even if you don't care about high school, you've still gotta go. Wake up, you moron!"

"Sleep. Tired. Lunchfridge. Mmmmm." I moaned, and fell back into my pillow.

"What the heck are you mumbling, get up, or I'm pulling you up." Bon threatened. I didn't think he was serious until I felt him grab my arms and pull me out of my bed and onto the floor. Damn, the floor's cold.

"You suck. Go to hell. I hope they condemn you to an eternity of insomnia on an iceberg, because that's just what this feels like." I muttered. I don't know if he heard me or not. I know it wasn't really that bad, but I didn't want to think that much this early in the morning.

"Well, get ready. It's a decent walk to the school, and we've gotta get going in like, the next ten minutes or we're going to be late! Hurry up!" Bon said, a little anxiously. Did he really get nervous just at the thought of being late?

Or maybe it's the stress of dealing with me. I sighed. Of course, I'm always the problem. Always have been, always will be.

At least my bag was already prepared. I didn't unpack it, so it should be good. I rarely do homework anyways, so incomplete work shouldn't be any more of a problem than normal. Just uniform and lunch. I guess I could do that much.

I changed into my spare uniform since the usual one kind of has blood stains on it, then made my way to the kitchen. I don't need breakfast. I'm not all that hungry right now anyways. I just need to get the lunches so that we can leave, and so that Bon might be able to calm down.

After retrieving the lunches, I went back to the room, and gave Bon his box. He seemed a little surprised.

"I forgot to make it last night, so I got up early to prepare lunches for Yukio and me. I figured that, since you're staying with us, I should make you one too. Don't worry, it's not poisoned or anything. I don't keep stuff like that in the kitchen. It would make the food taste bad." I explained. Maybe I was talking a little more than I should, but it felt kind of nice just to say something to another person, even if it's just meaningless crap like how or when I made a lunchbox.

"Uh, thanks. I didn't expect this. That's pretty nice. Thanks, Okumura." He said.

"No problem. Preparing three is hardly different from preparing two." I said, then walked over to my desk where I'd left my bag. I put my lunch inside, and did up the zippers, then I noticed what was sitting on top of my desk. My razor. Clean. Not where it's supposed to be. Did Bon notice it? I hope not. He'll probably just take it if he did, but then why is it clean? Why is it not where I put it? Where did I put it yesterday? I grabbed it, it cut me, Izumo told me to put it away, then we talked and... I guess I dropped it. It was on the floor and then he must have seen it and...

"Did you-?" I was about to ask.

"Yeah. I cleaned it and put it there. It's yours, so you should decide what to do with it. I'm not big on stealing or damaging other people's stuff." he replied. I guess he noticed me noticing it and inferred what I was going to ask.

"Uh, thanks., I guess. I'll have to put it away later then." I said to the floor. I felt so bad. Guilt just wormed it's way into my stomach. It crawled through my intestines, went through my stomach, and landed itself in my throat. I felt like puking. He actually didn't chuck it even though he knows what I use it for?

I know that he knows what I want to do, so why is it still here? Is he trying to listen to what I said? Is he trying to show me he trusts me or something? I don't know what to think. Is he just trying to lull me into some sort of false sense of security? Or maybe he's learning? No, he's not that smart. He's just a stupid rooster. He doesn't get it, and he won't ever try. I know it.

But Izumo did.

Well, she's different. She's on my level, or at least, she was. She gets it. It's not the same, but she gets it. He never will.

But would it kill me to try to let him see a little?

In short, yes. Yes it would. I'd rather die than let him see even a little of the reasons why I do what I do. Whatever I do is none of his business, and I'm not his problem. He doesn't care anyways, so why should I give a damn. But if he's really trying to be nice... I don't know what to think, and that makes me feel sick.

"Okumura? You okay? Rin? Oi, you hear me in there?" Bon was waving his hand in front of my face like he was trying to get my attention. Did I really space out that much? I guess so.

"What is it?" I said, looking up towards him. I couldn't quite make myself look at his face.

"You look pretty pale. You feeling okay? If you want, we can just take the day off, I mean, you kinda look like crap right now." he said.

No matter how badly I might want to stay, I can't. It would mean one-on-one time with him, and I really don't want to deal with that. It's either talk, or fake sleep, where I will be left all alone at the mercy of my brain. Just thinking can sometimes be a torture. Thinking. It's a dangerous pasttime.

"Nah, I'm fine. Let's just go." I said, looking back at the floor. I led him out. No need to lock the door, it's just the three of us here.

"Bullshit." I heard him mutter to himself, but he got up and followed me anyways. I guess he really is trying to play by my rules, at least for now. A little hope starts to unfold inside my guts, but it's quickly replaced by that sick feeling. Guilt and confusion, swirling around and wreaking havoc on my organs, messing up my system.

"See you in cram school. I hope you like the lunch." I said as we split up.

"Yeah, see ya. And thanks again, by the way." he replied.

My stomach just hurt more. It had been so long since anyone had acknowledged me kindly, much less said thanks for something. I want to feel good about it, I really want to! But I can't. It just hurts, knowing that it won't last. He probably doesn't even mean it. I want to believe what I hear, but I can't.

I send a bit of my flames to the pointer finger on my right hand. The nail immediately grows long and sharp. I draw a shallow line all the way along the top of my left arm, elbow to hand. Beads swell up all along the arm, but I don't have to worry. It'll heal up in less than an hour. Our jackets are black, so I don't have to worry about people seeing a stain. And now I can think. I can hardly feel anything, but that's okay. I like it this way. If I don't feel, then I'm not distracted. I don't need to worry, because I can't. I just have to go to class, pretend that I'm normal, and hope that no one tries to talk to me. I just want to be alone.

Only six hours until cram school. Six hours to dread, and six hours to get myself to feel as shitty as possible. They all know. This is really going to suck. Just great. Six hours. The countdown has begun, and I wish that time would start moving just a little bit slower.

Cookies to anyone who gets the Disney reference =)