Chapter 12

Izumo's head floated by.

"You aren't the only one, you know. We're the same, right? You can trust me."

"No."

Bon's head appeared.

"We're friends you know. Talk to us, make us understand."

"I can't."

Then it was Shiemi.

"We just want to help you, Rin. You're my friend. You're the first friend I've ever had!"

"No!"

Shura next.

"Ya know, yer stronger than this. You can make it through just one night, can't ya?"

"That's impossible! I can't do it!"

I sat up in bed, sheets tangled around me, and clothes folded in awkward positions on my body. At least it was only a dream. Even if it was a dream, it was still scary. But I can't help but wonder, who would have been next? Yukio? I don't want to hear him say that he doesn't understand me, that my behaviour doesn't make sense. It makes perfect sense. Take it all out on the one who deserves it. Me. I'm just taking responsibility for my myself. Nothing wrong with that.

But really, there is.

I know that what I do is considered wrong and unthinkable by many in society, but I don't really care. It's what I do, and it's how I get by. Speaking of which, I need to cut really bad right now, and my razor is just over on the desk.

I stand up to grab it, when I'm interrupted by a voice.

"Good to see you're awake, Okumura." Bon said. I froze. "You're really going to screw up your sleep schedule if you keep taking afternoon naps like this. When did you get back, anyways? Your training is supposed to end at the same time as our lessons end. How did you get back here so fast?"

"Shura let me quit early." I replied quietly.

"Oh? You gettin' good at controlling your powers now?" Bon questioned.

"No, my head just wasn't in it today. I made some candles explode, and she told me to take the night to cool off." I explained. That's the gist of it. He doesn't need to know any more. Wait, why did I even bother explaining in the first place? I could have just shrugged it off and said that Shura has her whims, or that she was too drunk, or something. Excuses with Shura are too easy to come by. The real question is, why? What is wrong with me.

Everything.

"Explode?" Bon laughed. I cringed. I knew he'd mock me. "That's funny. I'd expect no less from you, Okumura. You're a funny guy, you know."

"Yeah, a lot of fun to pick on, I get it." I said to the floor.

"That's not what I meant." Bon said.

"Then how else am I supposed to take it?" I replied.

"I was trying to be friendly and make an enjoyable conversation. You do have to admit, from a third person point of view, it's kind of funny. And how does that even work? Exploding candles..." Bon trailed off into some train of thought.

"Even your massive head doesn't have a brain large enough to figure it out." I replied snappishly.

"Hah! That's good one." Bon laughed.

For some reason, I felt really good. Like I couldn't breathe and my chest was going to explode and it was going to be really painful. A balloon of pressure was building up under my sternum (yes I know what a sternum is) and it was going to expand until my ribs cracked and my lungs, heart, aorta (aorta too), and other important blood vessels burst out of me. I wanted to cry, because it hurt. But I liked it. The hurt actually felt good.

So does that mean I'm becoming a masochist? Maybe I already was one. I do like cutting after all. I don't really feel it at all when I do it, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, right? My body must feel it. But if there's no pain, does it really count?

I don't know. But I kind of want to just grab that razor off of my desk and rip it through my body right now. Tear my arm to pieces.

"Hey, you okay?" Bon asked me. I guess I had been staring at one spot for too long, and ignoring him. "You may want to take a breath soon. Your face is turning red."

I was holding my breath? I breathed. I guess I was. "Thanks, I guess."

"What happened there?" He asked.

"Nothing. Just got caught up in some thought." Stop talking to him! Don't tell him things!

"Okay. Just making sure you aren't going totally crazy on me now." Bon said with amusement.

"Why do you keep bringing up stuff like that?" I asked, kind of annoyed.

"It's one of your characteristics, of course I'm not gonna let it go. Friends tease each other about their idiosyncrasies. Because we can. And it's all in jest, so just relax." Bon explained.

"And I'm supposed to know that, how?" I asked, getting more annoyed with him.

"Haven't you had friends before?" Bon asked.

"Fuck no! Why do you think it's hurt me so bad, what you guys did? How am I supposed to understand everything you guys take for granted when I don't have your kind of experience to rely on? Why do you assume so much about me? Why do you expect me to be such a good person? I'm not! I'm a horrible person, so just SHUT UP! WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH A DEMON LIKE ME?" My shouting grew louder as I ranted. I looked at the clock just before slamming the door as I left. 7:15pm. I guess I missed dinner, but I'm not really hungry anyways.

As I rounded the corner to the stairs that lead to the roof, I saw Shima walking up from a lower floor.

"Hey, Rin! How's it going?" He called up to me. I stopped at the top of his flight of stairs to answer him.

"I'm just fine." I said, a little grudgingly. How can he be so damned happy all the time. Even when he's scared almost literally shitless, he still has a smile tracing his lips. Like that time during the camping trip...

"You sure? I'm not totally convinced, but that's your business, not mine. Anyways, I'm just here to drop off a book for Bon. He left it behind today. Is he in right now?" Shima asked.

"Yeah, just down the hall." I turned to leave and go up the stairs.

"Hey, where are you going Okumura?" Shima called after me.

"These stairs only go to one place." I answered.

"No need to be so harsh. Mind if I join you?" He asked.

"Yes." I answered.

"Great! Up the stairs we go." He totally just missed what I said, didn't he.

"I don't want you there." I made it perfectly clear that time, right?

"Okay. Let's go." Damn Shima...

"Why are you insisting on coming?" I asked.

"Because, when people are upset, being alone just makes it worse. You can't really deny that one, so don't try. Believe it or not, I think you're a pretty cool guy, I have the whole time. I just followed Bon because that's what I do. I've got nothing against you." Shima answered.

"When the hell did you start acting smart?" I asked, surprised at his words. Not what he said about himself, but what he said about being alone making it worse.

"Bon had to rub off on me a little." He answered.

"So Bon did dye his hair first... That answers that question." I answered lightheartedly. "I guess you're a follower all the way down to your appearance."

Shima laughed. "Good one, Okumura."

Did I just just tease him? And is this one of those friendly banter things Bon was talking about? I don't get it. It's too confusing. I don't know what to think about this. I almost wish that it was back to the way things used to be. I know how to deal with harsh words, and I know how to deal with literal speech. How an I supposed to deal with this... weird... I don't even know what to call it!

When he had stopped laughing, Shima made another point. "You never really answered my first question. How is everything going? Bon isn't being too much of a hard-ass for you?"

"We keep arguing. That's how it's going." I answered.

"Ah, so he is being a hard-ass." Shima said, nodding with understanding.

"No, it's not quite like that. I don't really know how to explain it, other than that our views keep clashing." I replied.

"Oh. I guess I don't really get it then." Shima paused before continuing. "So, do you wanna go back to your room?"

"What? I just told you that we were fighting." I said.

"And it won't get solved if you just keep avoiding each other." He said.

"You don't get it, do you?" I asked, accusingly.

"No, I don't. Neither does Bon. That's why you keep having problems." He said.

"...What?" I asked. What the hell is Shima talking about?

"We don't get it because we've never been on your side. We can only view the situation from our point of view. I guess that means that we'll never really understand, so we just have to do whatever we think is right. Me, I just go with the flow. Make things easy, try to lighten the mood a little when it gets too heavy. Tell me, is it working?" He asked. I had to admit, it was working. "Bon, he's a hard-ass. The hard road or the high road, or whatever the saying is. He's too straightforward about this kind of thing. No subtleties, just straight business. Do this, that happens, no gray area. He gets upset when things don't go according to his plan."

"When the hell did you get so smart?" I asked again.

Shima laughed. "When you were sleeping in class." That comment made me smile a little. That weird feeling in my chest came back with it.

Then I smelled blood. I heard Yukio's footsteps coming down the hall just below.

"Thanks for the talk, Shima. Really, thanks." I said. "I've got something I've gotta take care of right now, so if you don't mind..."

"Anytime, my friend. And good luck with said mysterious task, Okumura." He said, and turned towards my room.

There was more blood on Yukio now than earlier. This time, it's not a day old. It's fresh. Fresh as in only a few minutes ago fresh. I need to see what's going on with my little brother.

Yukio finished teaching his class as quickly and painlessly as possible. That would be the last time that he ever goes in without something planned. Teaching from the top of his head was a lot harder than it had looked. He's just one of those people who needs a set plan.

He can't just adapt on the fly like Rin can.

Why could he never measure up to his older brother? No matter how long his spent chasing, Rin would always be miles ahead.

Yet, it was Rin who was the one in this emotional sea of trouble. Yukio still felt the strong need to understand. He didn't know why Rin did what he did, and he needed to learn. Sure it hurt last time, but maybe trying it again, maybe for a couple days in a row, would help him to understand what his brother was thinking when he did it.

He also didn't forget what Mephisto had said earlier.

"Okumura, teacher Okumura, that was one interesting lesson you had put together there, wasn't it?" Mephisto asked with that irritating, knowing smile of his.

"I apologize, Sir Pheles. I was unprepared. It will not happen again." Yukio had replied.

"Oh yes, it had better not. Now, formalities out of the way, you were crying in class. Is there some big secret that even I, headmaster, am not aware of, or should not be aware of?"

"No secret, Sir."

"No secret? Then would you care to tell me why you smell like blood? You haven't had any missions recently, and I see no wound. Tell me, where is it coming from?"

"You can smell blood on me?" Yukio asked.

"Yes, and your brother can too. He's already noticed, and by now, I'm pretty sure he knows what he's been smelling on you. You smell just like him, you know."

"What are you talking about, Mephisto?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

That creepy jackass clown. There is no way he could have found out about Rin. Absolutely no way. Yukio decided that he had to try again, even if Rin did notice. It was all for Rin's sake, anyways.

Yukio went over to the bathroom, picked up his own razor, and tried drawing another line across his left forearm. It went a little deeper this time, and a few beads of blood actually formed on the top of his skin this time. It had clotted by the time Yukio had brought his arm to the sink to wash it off.

A little more successful that time, Yukio thought. But it still hurt like a bitch. He had no idea why anyone would willingly put themselves through that. Why would you do something that hurts?

Yukio cleaned his arm, cleaned his blade, then left the room. He decided that he'd go and check in on Suguro. Just because he couldn't see his brother, didn't mean that he couldn't see his brother's temporary roommate, and his own student. Right. He was going to see Suguro. Right.

He started padding down the hall, when he heard two voices. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but their voices sounded like they were saying farewells. Probably one of the Kyoto trio visiting Bon. I bet I'll pass him on his way out.

As Yukio turned to go up the stairs, he saw his brother, less than ten feet away, staring at him.