Chapter 13

"Rin, hi, I uh, I didn't expect to see you here." Yukio said by way of introduction.

"I live in this dorm too, you know, of course we're going to bump into each other. Anyways, what do you think you're doing?" Rin replied. He sounded kind of angry.

Yukio was a little hurt by his brother's harshness. It sounded like Rin thought that he didn't care. "I was just going upstairs to see Suguro. You know, make sure that you're not too much for him, or anything." Yukio said. Even to himself, his excuse sounded weak.

"That isn't what I meant." Rin stated. Yukio was confused. What else could Rin have been talking about?

"Well, if you aren't upset by me intruding on your private space upstairs, then what are you so upset about?" Yukio asked. It couldn't be...

"You smell like blood Yukio. I wanna know why." Rin crossed his arms, communicating his stubbornness and willingness to pursue the subject, whatever Yukio might say to avoid it.

"You want me to tell you why I smell like blood. I'm an exorcist. I kill demons. Sometimes, I get a scratch. You know how it is. Not everyone has the healing ability that you do. My scratches last longer." Yukio replied. Reasonable enough excuse, he figured.

"You haven't been on any missions recently." Rin replied.

"And how would you know that? We've been living apart, remember?" Yukio stated.

"For only twenty-four hours. You wouldn't have gone on any missions last night, and there wouldn't have been time for you to go on one today, with brief time between the end of cram school and now. So tell me Yukio, why do you smell like blood, and why just today?" Rin asked again.

"I don't know. Maybe I nicked myself on something?" Yukio's excuses were getting weaker.

"Yeah, you probably did. On what, though?" Rin asked.

"How should I know? For all I know, it was small enough that I didn't notice!" Yukio replied. Very weak.

"You know, if you've been bleeding, you should probably put a band-aid on it, or something. Like you said, you don't heal like I do, so you don't want the 'little nick' to get infected or anything. You are an exorcist, coming into contact with some very nasty substances on a daily basis. You know, my nose is strong enough that I could probably figure out what area of your body it was on if I walked over there and concentrated, since you don't seem to know where it is. I could help you patch it up too. I think I'm competent enough to handle a band-aid." Rin stated. Yukio was really feeling the pressure of his brother's words.

"I'll do it myself, and it's none of your business, Rin." Yukio stated.

"None of my business? I'm your brother! We're family, and you should trust me. I care about you a lot, you know." Rin said sadly, turning his eyes to the wall.

"I could say the same thing to you, you know. I'm your brother. You can trust me." Yukio said. Rin flinched, and Yukio knew that he'd won.

"Well, in my case, it's not something that you could understand, and it's not something that's easy to talk about. The whole point is that I can't talk about it. It's not the same." Rin said.

"Oh, yes it is. This is my business, and you won't understand it either." Yukio said.

"Well try me!" Rin shouted, "Give it a shot! Maybe I won't get it right away, but so what? I can at least try to help if nothing else!"

"Once again, right back at you, Rin." Yukio said coldly. Rin looked like he was about to cry.

"Fine. I'm going back upstairs. Suguro's okay. Text him if you need anything more." Rin said, and walked back upstairs. As he reached the top, Shima, who was coming back downstairs, put a hand on his shoulder.

"Each of us can only see it from one side of the situation. We haven't seen the other side yet." Shima said, then continued walking. "You too, Mr. Okumura-teacher-sir!" Shima kept walking and waved behind him as a farewell.

Yukio sighed. He'd have to think about what Shima had said, especially since it seemed like he'd had some sort of conversation like that with his brother. That encounter certainly had not gone as well as he'd hoped their first encounter would. It was going to be a long time before this whole mess could be resolved. Until then, he'd just have to keep trying to understand.

I really had to try not to sprint back to my room. There's nothing I want more right now than to run in there, grab the razor off my desk, throw myself under the covers, and forget all of this. Why can't Yukio trust me? We're family, and we're the only family the we have left. I'm his older brother, so he should know that he can come to me about anything, and that I'll be there for him. I'll help him. If he feels like he needs to hurt himself to feel better, then he can just tell me about it. I'll help him to feel better some other way, if he can. I get the feeling, I won't judge him, I just want him to trust me enough to tell me what's going on. I don't want to see my little brother hurting like that when I'm right here to help him out.

I walked into the room, only to see a startled Bon. Right. I was mad at him earlier. That doesn't seem too important right now, though. Yukio's much more important than some stupid argument about... I don't remember. I guess it wasn't that important in the first place.

"You came back. Look, I'm sorry about what I-" Bon started.

"Not now. I don't have time to talk to you." I snapped.

Bon put his hands up. "Hey, chill out. I hadn't even said anything yet." he defended.

"You were about to say something about the fight earlier, and I don't want to think about that right now. I've got more important things to worry about than trying to remember what we were fighting about, then resolving it." I said.

"You mean you forgot?" Bon asked incredulously.

"Like I said, it's not important." I replied.

"I would disagree. I mean, it's something that we really should talk about..." I glared at him, "some other time. I get it. But we will talk about it at some point. Wanna share what important stuff is bugging you right now, instead?" Bon asked.

"No." I said.

"Well, it's gonna get awful boring in here then, There isn't much to do but talk or do homework. Or think, I guess, but I'm sure you know, having something bothering you, and then being left alone with your thoughts, well, it usually doesn't end well, does it." Bon stated.

"None of your business. And stop talking like Shima." I said.

"Of all people, Shima beat me to it? Damn." Bon said, "When did he get so smart?"

"That's what I asked him." I replied.

"Well, while we're agreeing, care to tell me what's bugging you?" Bon asked.

"Are you not going to leave me alone?" I asked, growing frustrated with him.

"That's the point of us living in the same room, isn't it? To get you to talk it out?" Bon said. I heard the end of that sentence, even though he didn't say it. Instead of cutting out chunks of your flesh and hurting yourself to deal with whatever the fuck is going on inside your messed up brain. Maybe not all that, but at least, that was the general idea.

"Yukio." That's my answer.

"Yukio? Is something wrong with him?" Bon asked.

"Of course. If there was nothing wrong, I wouldn't be worried about him!" I answered.

"Hey, I'm not the one you're mad at. Just explain what's wrong." Bon said, sitting back in his chair.

"Yukio, I don't know what to say about it, it's just, he smells like blood and he hasn't been on missions and there's nowhere it could come from other than the obvious and I'm worried, goddamnit!" I ranted.

"The obvious? What's supposed to be obvious...?" Bon said to himself. I took it as a question anyways.

"I mean, why else would he smell like blood unless he caused it himself? I don't want him to do that! I want Yukio to be happy. He's my little brother, and he doesn't understand that he can just trust me and tell me if something's wrong." I answered.

"Do you think that he would consider telling you if it involves you in the first place?" Bon asked me.

"What?" I asked. What was he getting at?

"I mean, if this whole situation is putting stress on him, is he going to tell you? That would put more stress on you, and I think that that's something that Mr. Okumura wants to avoid. What caused this whole situation in the first place." Bon explained. Why does he have to make sense at a time like this?

"I guess..." I said.

"And didn't you do exactly the same thing? Not tell him what was going on because you wanted him to be happy? Honestly, I think both of you are idiots. You are both the same!" Bon said.

"Yukio's nothing like me. He's smart, he's nice, he's a really great guy! He's an incredibly skilled exorcist, the youngest ever, as well as head of the advanced class and an exorcist teacher. Yukio's a really amazing person. I'm just a pathetic demon." I said.

"Eh, if you think so. From my point of view, you guys are very much alike. Whatever the difference in appearance, you guys act like each other, you're definitely brothers." Bon commented. No way. He can't mean that. Yukio isn't anything like me. He's just about perfect and me, I'm not.

"Don't look like that. You're better than you think you are. Besides, didn't Shura tell you not to stress yourself out, to get some rest, and to go back tomorrow refreshed and whatnot so that you can do your training? And that she doesn't want to hear otherwise?" Bon asked.

"Who told you that?" I asked.

"Shura. She texted me, not drunk this time. I figured it was important that I actually read it." Bon answered.

"Damn her. How did she know to text you?" I asked.

"How should I know?" he replied.

"I dunno. I'm sorry. She's right, though. I know that, but it's not as easy as she says, you know?" I asked.

"No, I don't. I can't pretend to, either. This is your shit, you need to deal with it, but I'm here to rant to if you need it." Bon said.

That kind of hurt. He'll never understand, but at least he's being honest, I guess. And he's right. I wouldn't really want him to take up this habit either.

What did I just think? When did I start caring? When did it start to matter to me whether or not he does anything to himself or not? This just didn't make any sense.

"I think I'm going to go prepare the lunches for tomorrow. Anything you want in yours?" I asked. I need to get away right now. I need to think this out.

"Nah, I'm not picky. Just do whatever you normally do for you and Yukio. Anything's good with me. And thanks. Lunch was great today too, by the way." he said.

"Thanks. I'll whip something up." I said. I left and made my way to the kitchen. Hopefully, after making the food, I'll be tired enough, and unfocused enough, to get a decent night's sleep. I bet that would do wonders.

Yukio walked back to his room. Why did all of his excuses have to sound so pathetic? How was Rin able to do it all this time? Able to act so cheerful, so free, so... like Rin? How was he able to hide it so well for however long this has been going on? How was he able to come up with so many reasonable sounding excuses? How was he able to do it so that no one ever caught on?

Yukio couldn't understand. It was just too much.

One more try, he told himself. One more try to understand him. One more time, and maybe it will make sense. I need to figure out why he's doing this. I need to understand my brother so that I can help him.

Yukio picked up the razor and held it close to his arm. His hand was shaking and he couldn't bring himself to put the pressure on.

Why is that? Why couldn't he just press and slide? It sounded so easy, so why couldn't he perform the simple action? Maybe because he knows that it's ineffective?

Maybe if he took the blade out, it would be easier to press into his skin.

Yukio disassembled his razor, and decided to try out his new idea. He chuckled darkly. He was beginning to think like a cutter. New ways to use old tools.

Yukio held his left arm over the sink, his forearm facing towards him. He pinched the tiny blade between his right thumb and pointer. He took a good long stare at the clean, pale skin of his arm, shut his emotions out, and made a nice slash across the pale sheet of skin.

This time, it was actually bleeding. Not a lot, it wasn't deep, but enough that small trickles made their way from the gash around to the bottom of his arm. Yukio chuckled again.

It didn't really hurt, not that much.

This was the worst so far, and it didn't really hurt.

Maybe he could understand why Rin did this after all. Maybe he had a chance.

That thought made him very happy.

So he laughed.

And laughed.