Chapter 14

By the end of the week, not much had changed, at least, not in Yukio's opinion. Rin was still quietly avoiding him. He couldn't get too close to his brother without receiving a questioning glance before his brother turned around and walked away. He figured that Rin must still be able to smell the blood on him, and that there was more now than when they met on the stairs. Normally, Yukio would be anxious that his brother had noticed that something was wrong. This time, he couldn't really bring himself to care. This was all for his brother, after all.

One thing that Yukio was thankful for is that the exorcist uniforms have long sleeves. If it weren't for that, his attempts to understand his brother would be clearly visible. He knew that anyone who noticed them would take it the wrong way, play it off as some sort of teenage phase, and try to talk him out of it. Those people would be wrong, and Yukio didn't want the extra trouble of dealing with them when this problem only concerned him and his brother. It was no one else's business if he was trying to understand what his brother felt and what he was doing. It would be quite rude for anyone else to try to interfere. There was nothing wrong with this at all.

It was scientific exploration coupled with psychology. Those two academic subjects were also offered at the school. Just because he isn't following the curriculum, or learning the recommended material, didn't mean that he wasn't learning anything in those two subjects. There was nothing wrong with studying extra material, or learning what one wanted to learn.

That's right. This is all academic research. Research that he could use to help his brother.

These thoughts are what kept Yukio going at it every night for over a week. Today is Friday, and that means that he's about to spend another weekend alone in his dorm room. While he likes his quiet and solitude for studying, he can't help but miss Rin's company. His brother always knew how to make him smile when he was too stressed about homework, exorcism, or whatever it happened to be. Rin sure was amazing in that regard. He didn't even have to know what was going on, and he could still lighten the mood. Even if people tend to think of Yukio as the older brother, Rin takes care of him more than he take care of Rin. This incident just goes to prove it.

So why did Rin do it in the first place? That's the big question. That's the question that Yukio is still trying to solve more than a week later. Despite being able to cause himself harm, it still hurts. He doesn't like it. He can't figure out a reason why.

He didn't notice that the more time he spent thinking about it, the more stressed he was, the deeper each of his cuts became, and the more he bled.

He just had to keep trying. Even geniuses don't get the results that they need on the first attempt at an experiment, especially one with this many variables. With each attempt, something must change, and with each change, it becomes a slightly different experiment. Each attempt to understand his brother is another ruling for reasons, or feelings, to or not to do this. That's all it meant.

But the one time that it barely hurt, what did that mean? Yukio was angry with himself for not being in the right state of mind to pay attention that time. It just meant that he'd have to keep trying.

Every night, again and again.

Bon is such a hard-ass! I mean, who does their homework on Friday night? Yeah, I get that he wants to have some extra time on the weekend or whatever, but come on! Homework is meant to be done last-minute on Sunday night, not on Friday. I'm no keener, I don't even give a damn about high school. But no, that's not acceptable, apparently. Just because Bon's a giant nerd, doesn't mean that he has to make me one too. I get that he likes his routine, but why pick on me? Just because we live together, doesn't mean that we have to do our homework at the same time. Geez, I really don't get him.

But my grades have improved. Slightly. Eh, not all that much. Just because my homework gets finished, doesn't mean that I'll actually get the answers right. I don't care about high school, I just wanna learn to torch demons so that I can kick Satan's ass. I'll kick the shit outta Satan, and that'll show Bon. You don't need to study that hard, or do your homework on a Friday night.

I put my head down on my desk, using the open textbook as a headrest. I sighed and closed my eyes. They were hardly closed for more than twenty seconds before a hand slapped itself down beside my head. It scared the crap out of me, fuck!

"Do your homework!" Bon said.

"I'm saving it for later!" I stuck out my tongue like a child, trying to get my grin to win him over.

And this is why he's a hard-ass. "I don't care if you wanna do it now or later, I'm telling you to get it done now!" The stupid faces that I make don't appeal to him at all. I've been living with him for like, nine days or something, and we have this same argument every night. Why doesn't he get it yet? I don't care, and I hate studying. At least he doesn't really try to bug me about anything else. Maybe he wants to, but he hasn't tried to make me talk yet.

"Yeah, well I've got other homework too. I'll do that now and come back later." I said as I got up. I stretched my arms, grabbed kurikara, and started to head out.

"What other homework?" Bon asked.

"Why, training of course." I grinned stupidly, then ran out. Haha, I pissed him off.

"Get back here Okumura, you need to get this done!" He called after me.

"Tough shit!" I called back, "Let's go Kuro!" Kuro ran after me.

I get to play with Rin today! We haven't played in a long time! I'm really excited!

"Yeah, let's play Kuro." I said.

We went up to the roof, and Kuro transformed into his larger demon form. I pulled out my sword, and we sparred a little bit. Kuro looked like he was having the time of his life, and to me, the exercise just felt good. When was the last time I sparred with Kuro, anyways? Was it... oh yeah, it was about three weeks ago, I think.

My mood started to fall. I trained with his quite often just after the camping trip, and back then, I just kept feeling worse every time we sent a blow towards the other, and I'd go back inside after it all and cut because training wasn't distracting enough. After two weeks of trying to lost myself in training, I stopped training with Kuro at all. No wonder he says he missed it, he always loved sparring with me.

I didn't notice my strikes becoming weaker or slower until my thoughts were interrupted by one of my favourite voices in the world.

Rin, why are you slowing down? Do you not like playing with me?

No, I don't want Kuro to think that this is his fault, he's a great cat. "No, I love it, Kuro. It's really fun. I've missed playing with you too, you know." I smiled.

Then why do you seem to get sadder the longer we play?

"I'm not getting sadder, see?" I said, widening my grin as we continued to exchange blows.

I can hear your feelings every time we strike. That is your exposed heart, you know. Don't lie to me Rin! I don't want you to be a liar!

Exposed heart? I wonder what he means by that? My heart's in my chest. "I'm not lying Kuro, I really did miss playing with you. Promise." I said.

If you like playing, the why are you sad? Did I accidentally hurt you? Is that why you always smell like blood after we play?

I forgot, Kuro has demon senses too. Of course he noticed. Since it kept happening after we trained, he thought that it was his fault that I was getting hurt. I'm a horrible person. I need to hurt myself.

"No, it's not your fault Kuro." I owe him some sort of explanation, "It is no way at all your fault. You never hurt me, and I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't lie to you when we met, and I'm not going to start now." I put my sword away, and walked over to Kuro. I put my hand in between his eyes before speaking again, "It's all my fault, you didn't do anything wrong."

I don't understand Rin. If I didn't hurt you, then why do you smell like blood? What's wrong Rin? Why are you feeling so sad all of a sudden? What's wrong?

Fuck, I'm worrying Kuro too. Damn. Why am I such a fuckup? I sat down before I started talking. "It's kind of hard for me to explain, Kuro. It's not something easy to talk about, even if I had a reason that might make sense to you." I said.

What are you talking about Rin? Why are you so sad?

Kuro went back to his small cat form, and crawled on to my lap. He started nuzzling my chest, trying to comfort me, I think. I petted him in return, and he began to purr. "It's just, I don't know, whenever things bother me too much, I try to find a way to take my mind off of it. I don't like to talk about it, because I honestly don't know how to explain it properly to anyone else.

"I do my best to distract myself from whatever it is that bothers me, but that doesn't always work. When it doesn't work, I need to use another way to make myself try to feel better. Whenever I start to hate myself, when I feel like a demon, lonely, scared, anything that makes me feel bad, I kind of... I need... I just..." I started choking on my words.

Rin? Are you okay?

"No, Kuro, I'm not okay. When everything inside me hurts too much, I feel like I need to hurt myself, cause my body some sort of harm. I'll use whatever I have, whatever I can find, and I'll-I'll-I'll make myself start to... I-I bleed." I know that the explanation is insufficient as far as my reasons go, and as far as explaining how I feel, but I can't tell him more than I know that he'll understand.

But Rin, why would you hurt yourself? It's bad for you! Why do you want your body to hurt like that?

"Honestly, I don't really know. I don't know if I have a good reason for why I chose this way to do it, but, it's just what I do. It's just something that I decided to do one day, and I never quit. It's not your fault Kuro. Don't feel sad about me." I said.

But Rin, of course I'm going to feel sad. You're my master. I love you just like I love Shiro!

That little cat really knows how to hit me where it hurts. "You don't hate me?" I asked.

No! I would never hate you! You talk to me and you play with me and you make really good sukiyaki! Just like Shiro would play with me and made really yummy catnip wine! There's no way I can hate you! You saved me from the other exorcists back when we met! You're my friend, Rin.

"Thanks Kuro, that means a lot. Say, why don't you and I go make dinner now, huh? I can make your favourite tonight. I think Yukio bought the ingredients, and it's a Friday night. Why not celebrate, eh?" I asked, trying to hold back the tears that were forming in my eyes.

You mean you're going to make sukiyaki? Really? Yay!

Kuro jumped up and started doing some sort of cheer dance or something. He looked really happy. "Yeah, let's go make some food." I said.

We headed back downstairs and went straight to the kitchen. Too bad I had forgotten about a certain someone who has gotten far too used to my habits.

"Okumura! You need to get your work done!" Bon said to me as I entered the kitchen. He'd brought his work and staked out in there, knowing that I'd eventually come to make food.

"Sorry, I promised my favourite little buddy I'd cook his favourite food tonight. I'll have to do it later." I stuck my tongue out at him again.

Bon glanced up at me and looked like he was about to give me a talking to, but then he paused and seemed to change his mind. "Hey, what's up? You look so much more... relaxed? I guess that's the word I want. What happened when you were 'training' with Kuro?" he asked.

"Hey, it's real training! I'm practicing my sword technique and stuff! And Kuro and I, we just had a little talk is all. It's all good, right Kuro?" I asked.

Right Rin! Now make the sukiyaki! You promised!

I chuckled. "Yeah, right on it little buddy." I said. Bon continued to look at us, missing half of the demon-demon telepathy conversation, before going back to his homework.

"Just make sure you get your homework done before bed tonight." Bon grumbled.

"Hard-ass."

"Lazy."

"Didn't your parents ever tell you that it's a bad idea to insult the chef?"

"No, now hurry up so you can do your work!"

"I'll make sure I spit in yours, stupid rooster."

"You shouldn't taunt me, I'll just have to get you back afterwards."

"You couldn't do anything to me if you tried."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. As sure as I am going to kick Satan's ass first."

"You just keep dreaming, Okumura. Beat me in a test someday, and maybe I'll believe you."

"You're just saying that to make me do my homework! No way, not happening."

"Stubborn monkey."

"Hard-ass."

Sukiyaki!