A/N: I hope you enjoy this one! And don't worry, in the next or the chapter after that there will be some Blaine.

The next few days were awkward, to say the least. Kurt isolated himself in his room most of the time when he weren't in school, he didn't even pick up when Blaine called, neither did he come out to have dinner. All of this made Rachel feel very uneasy, thinking she had really screwed up their friendship.

They hadn't had a proper conversation since the kiss. Kurt had stormed off to his room and Rachel had heard him crying. She hated that she didn't know what he was crying about: the fact that he cheated on Blaine or that he has feelings for her.

She felt kinda sick to her stomach. She felt guilty and so damn stupid for what she did. She shouldn't have kissed him, she should have stopped since she was sober enough to. All of this had been a mistake, she knew it.

But damn it, now she feels closer to him than ever. At the same time as he feels more distant than ever.

She knows what he looks like completely naked, what it feels like to kiss him, what he looks like when he comes, how his moans sounds, how it feels like to have him inside of her and it was all she could think of.

For the past few days, all she's thought about is kissing him. It's making her feel like a teenage virgin who just had sex for the first time and who now can't give the poor guy a break. But they need to talk, they have to.

Rachel bit her lip and walked up to Kurt's room, knocking softly at the door. "Kurt?"

"Yeah?"

"Can… can you please come out?"

"No."

Rachel sighed in frustration. "Kurt, look, I get that this is difficult for you but it's actually really difficult for me too. Can't you just come out so we can have an honest conversation about this? We are best friends for God's sake!"

She was answered with silence. Just as she was about to seriously yell at him the door opened, revealing a man who looked a lot like her best friend, yet a complete different person.

He had bags under his eyes, his hair was messy and he was wearing yoga pants. Yoga pants.

"Oh… you look like shit." She said.

That's not true, he looked beautiful. As always. But that probably wasn't the right thing to say.

"Thanks." He made a face and sighed.

Rachel bit her lip and was about to say something when he walked past her and sat down on the couch. "I'm sorry for shutting you out."

"I get it, doesn't mean it didn't suck, though." She sat down next to him.

"I've just never felt this way before." He looked at her. "Never."

Rachel bit her lip. "So… you did feel something when you kissed me sober?"

Kurt looked down at his hands and then nodded slightly, his eyes shiny with tears. "It's so confusing." He said below a whisper.

"I get that… but sexuality is fluid, you know? It isn't black and white. Sometimes it's gray, or purple, or blue."

Kurt smiled a little at her. "I know that." His smile fell. "But sometimes I wish it was."

"Really?"

"Yes, then I'd be gay. Or straight. I wouldn't be… confused."

"But-"

"I don't wanna hurt Blaine." Kurt turned to her. "I love him and I promised him forever. I'm not gonna break up with him."

Rachel felt the tiny hope in her heart fade, like a pang in her chest. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

"Okay." She said in a small voice. "I d-didn't expect you to."

"Good." Kurt ran a hand through his hair. "But we're still best friends, right? I mean, this doesn't ruin anything?"

"No." She shook her head slowly, not meeting his eyes.

"Thank you." He pulled her in for a tight hug, closing his eyes and enjoying her warmth.

Rachel held back her tears, hugging him back and hoping he couldn't feel how fast her heart was beating.

"So, what do you say, should we watch a movie or something?" He asked as he pulled back.

"Sure." She forced a smile. "Sounds great."

"You can pick the movie while I go call Blaine back." Kurt stood up and walked out on the small balcony.

He felt terrible.

Like really fucking terrible. He didn't wanna hurt Blaine but he couldn't deny his feelings for Rachel, either. He had wanted to kiss her again, as soon as he saw her face. It's all he's been wanting to do lately. And it's seriously driving him crazy.

So the only solution he could come up with was simply to deny his feelings and pretend like they didn't exist.

Deep down he knew it wouldn't work, it was exactly what he had done when he realized he liked boys. And surely, those feelings are still very much present. But at the moment it seemed like the only thing he could do, and he had to do something, or else he'd lose his mind.

Once he had called Blaine and assured him that everything was fine, he returned inside. Rachel was sitting on the couch with the remote in her hand.

"Oh, you're back." She smiled a tiny bit. "I picked some random I bought a while ago but haven't watched."

"Oh, sounds great." He smiled and joined her on the couch, keeping some distance between them.

Rachel pressed play and the movie began. They didn't say a word to each other during the first twenty minutes. There was a weird tension between them, but neither one of them dared to speak up or try to break it. They just sat there with their eyes glued to the TV, and it worked just fine, until it didn't.

Suddenly the main character started having sex with her boyfriend.

Rachel bit her lip and tried not to blush as memories from her and Kurt's drunken night came back to her. She didn't dare to look at Kurt even though she really wanted to, curious if he was also blushing or if he didn't think of anything at all.

Eventually curiousity got the best of her when she heard Kurt breathe slightly heavier. She turned her head slightly and saw that he was sweating, his eyes dark and his cheeks slightly pink. His lips was parted and as her gaze dropped, she held back a gasp.

Kurt was rock hard and it was very much visible in those yoga pants.

Rachel could feel wetness pool in her underwear, despite her efforts not to get aroused. Kurt must have noticed her staring because he turned to her and their eyes locked. Rachel expected him to try to cover himself and be embarrassed or something, but he didn't do anything.

"You're…" Rachel blushed.

"I know." Kurt bit his lip hard.

Rachel chewed on the inside of her cheek as she looked at his pants again. She then looked up at his face again as she slowly inched closer to him. He didn't move, so she slowly trailed her hand over to his thigh. Again, he didn't move, so she then palmed him through his pants.

He gasped and out of reflex thrust his hips up against her hand once, his face flushed.

Rachel bit her lip and withdrew her hand. She slowly got off the couch and kneeled in front of him. She placed her hands on his knees and spread his legs.

Kurt didn't do anything, he just looked at her curiously.

Rachel licked her lips and grabbed the hem of his pants, tugging at them softly. Kurt lifted his hips slowly so she could slide them off and much to her surprise, Kurt wasn't wearing underwear.

His cock sprung free, hard and waiting to be touched.

Kurt looked scared at the same time as he looked excited. Rachel's gaze dropped to his cock, admiring its length and size. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she was scared to move. So she just kind of sat there, looking at it.

"Rachel…" Kurt whined softly, barely audible.

Rachel looked up at him and then lowered herself over him and wrapped her lips around the head of his cock.

Kurt let out probably the sexiest of moans she had ever heard.

Being sober, everything was so much more real, it was so much clearer. Now she could really taste him, really feel him and really hear him.

She swirled her tongue around it and sucked softly before sinking down a little further.

Kurt moaned and placed his hands on her head, tangling his fingers in her hair.

She sunk down all the way to the base. Her eyes watered and she gagged slightly, forcing herself to relax her throat. She swallowed around him and then started bobbing her head up and down.

Kurt moaned and whimpered, shutting his eyes and leaning back. This felt so wrong, yet so right. He tried to pretend it was Blaine but it wasn't Blaine, it felt so different from Blaine. It wasn't better, or worse, it was just different. All he could think about was Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. He opened his eyes and looked down at her, it made him even more aroused. Watching her take his cock, all of it, so good.

This was definitely not what he thought would happen. But fuck, that movie had brought back every single memory and it turned him on to no end. He just craved Rachel like he craved cheesecake when he felt sad.

"Fuck, Rachel, ohmygoooood…" He threw his head back, urging her with his hands in her hair. She moaned around him, creating perfect vibrations.

Rachel kept going and going and going, faster and harder until he couldn't think straight and just when he was right on the edge, she grabbed his balls and squeezed them. He screamed as his orgasm hit him and he came down her throat.

And he just kept on coming and coming and coming.

Eventually it was over and he fell back on the couch, panting and sweating.

Rachel sucked him clean before pulling away. She wiped drool off of her chin and sat down next to him.

"Oh my god." Kurt buried his face in his hands.

Rachel licked her lips. "I know."

They didn't talk about what happened that evening. They just went on, pretending like it hadn't happened.

But it had happened. And while Rachel enjoyed it very much, it hurt her. Because Kurt was looking at her like she meant nothing to him (romantically) and she was starting to wonder if it was the sex Kurt was attracted to or if it was her.

It happened more than once. The second time was three days after, but it was just a hand job. The third was a week after that, and it was Kurt who went down on Rachel. The fourth was Kurt finger fucking her, and the fifth was Rachel who went down on Kurt again.

They kept that up for a long time. They did it in silence (except for the moans) and didn't discuss it after. They never had full on sex, it was just handies or oral and they didn't kiss. And although they were closer than before physically, mentally they were miles apart. But it felt too good to stop.

Until one day when Kurt reached down her panties, Rachel held back a moan and stopped him. "Kurt, stop…"

Kurt pulled back and looked at her in confusion.

It was a month later and Rachel was getting seriously tired of having her heart broken again and again.

"We need to stop this." She sighed, ignoring her throbbing sex.

"Why?" Kurt questioned, even though he knew she was right.

"Because it hurts too much, okay?" Rachel snapped. "You know I'm-" She sighed in frustration. "-that I like you and I get it, you don't feel the same! You love Blaine and that's fine, really. But don't get intimate with me and then look at me like I'm just your friend! I don't want to be your fuck buddy, it hurts too much. If you do this because you miss being close to someone, then go out and sleep with someone else. It couldn't possibly be worse, you've already cheated on Blaine multiple times this month."

Rachel's words penetrated Kurt's heart like a sword. He felt ashamed of himself and he had too look away.

"You're not gonna say anything?" Rachel's voice was shaky and thick with emotion, and her lip was quivering.

"I… I can't." Kurt stuttered. "I don't…"

He shut his eyes to compose himself and then tried again.

"I don't know what I'm doing." He whispered, tears stinging his eyes.

"Neither do I." She said sharply. "I have to go, I have rehearsal."

Rachel stood up, grabbed her coat and left.

Kurt started crying hysterically and fell down on a floor and just laid there in a fetal position. "I can't do this, I can't…" He cried.

He felt sick with himself. He could imagine Blaine's face, see the heartbreak in his eyes if he finds out. How could he have hurt the person he loves more than anything so bad? He'd lose him forever.

He didn't know he had it in him, people who cheated disgusted him and he couldn't understand it or even imagine himself doing it. But he had. It scared the hell out of him as it meant he wasn't who he thought he was.

And wasn't he supposed to know himself better than anyone?

He could feel his lunch rise in his throat along with the guilt and he just couldn't take it.

He barely made it to the bathroom before he threw up. He kept on gagging until he had nothing left in him. Until his stomach was as empty as his heart and the only thing he could feel was the throbbing in his head.

He collapsed on the cold floor, tears streaming down his face.

He was startled by his phone ringing. He sat up and dried his tears, forcing himself to stop sobbing as he crawled to the livingroom to get his phone.

"Hello?" His voice came out hoarse and small.

"Kurt, kiddo, are you alright?"

Kurt nearly let out a sob at the sound of his dad's voice. How he missed him and needed him right now.

"Dad!" Kurt burst out and started crying again. He felt like a child, but he couldn't stop the tears even if he tried.

"Kurt, what's going on?" The concern was visible in his dad's voice.

"Everything, dad! Everything and I can't… I can't do it! I'm such an idiot, such a jerk! I can't believe I… I…" He choked on a sob.

"You can't believe what? Kurt, you're kinda freaking me out right now."

Kurt took a few deep breaths and forced himself to calm down enough so he could speak. "I cheated on Blaine." He whispered, feeling sick with himself all over again.

His dad was silent for a long time on the other end. "What? Why in the world would you do something like that?!"

"I… I don't know! I was drunk a-and it just h-happened!" He put his phone on speaker and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes to stop the tears from falling.

"Kurt, I've told you to drink responsibly! Do you even know who the guy was? Did you use protection?"

Kurt let out a breath. "It wasn't a guy… it- it was R-Rachel. And yeah, I used protection."

Once again, there was silence. "Wait, what?" His dad sounded genuinely confused.

"I slept with Rachel and I remember every bit of it! I was sober enough to stop but… I didn't want to. And I haven't told Blaine, I can't, it's gonna crush him! And Rachel admitted to having feelings for me and I just… I don't know what I'm feeling!"

"Kurt, calm down a little, alright?" His dad said gently. "Maybe you were just drunk."

Kurt shook his head even though his dad couldn't see him. "No. I kissed her sober and I felt these… things. Like I didn't wanna stop and things has happened after that, dad. I- I don't know. I've never been with a woman before, I've never been attracted to one. It's always been men! And I love Blaine, god, I love him so much!"

His dad sighed deeply. "Oh, Kurt. You need to tell him."

"I can't! I can't do it, I-"

"Kurt!" His dad interrupted. "You can't keep this a secret, because you know he will find out eventually and then it will truly crush him! Secrets like these always get out somehow."

Kurt didn't say anything, his thoughts were going crazy.

"I know you are a good kid, Kurt. Hell, I raised you for God's sake. I trust you to do the right thing."

Kurt eventually sighed. "Yeah, I know. But… I want to wait until I go see him next month. This is something I want to do face-to-face."

"I understand that, but don't drag it out any longer than that, alright? It will just make it harder to deal with and it will hurt more."

"I won't." He bit his lip. "I just don't want to l-lose him." His voice cracked.

"Well, you most likely will. I'm sorry, but you can't expect him to forgive you right away."

"I don't think he'll ever forgive me, dad. He trusted me and I completely screwed it up."

"You will make it right, I know you will."

Kurt smiled ever so slightly. "I hope so. Thank you." He hesitated before asking: "Are you mad at me?"

"I'm more disappointed. But I think you're beating yourself up enough so I don't have to add to that."

"No, you really don't."

"Alright, will you be okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I will. I have to talk to Rachel… I'm pretty sure I hurt her too."

"Okay, I love you, kiddo."

"I love you too, dad."

"Hi, Rach, can we talk?"

"We don't have to, I know exactly how you feel." She snapped.

"No, you don't. Please just give me a chance to be honest with you and myself."

She hesitated for a moment before she sighed and sat down next to him, keeping her distance.

Kurt inhaled and exhaled. "Okay." He looked at her. "I do have feelings for you, Rachel, I don't know if they are as strong as yours, but they are definitely there. It's been freaking me out since we kissed on my bed a month ago and I haven't been handling it very well. But it doesn't matter that I freaked out because that is no such thing as an excuse for how I treated you.

"I had no right to make you feel used and like you aren't important to me, because that couldn't be further from the truth. You are one of the most important people in my life, Rachel, I knew you even before I met Blaine and you mean the absolute world to me. And I'm so, so sorry for hurting you and for making you feel the way I have. I'm not one of those guys who don't care about other peoples feelings, and I don't ever want to be one of them. This is so hard for me, but that's no excuse for me to act like a douche and I'm truly sorry. Do you think you could please forgive me? I promise I'll do whatever it takes to make it up to you."

Rachel looked genuinely shocked for a good minute before a grin, so wide it could split her face in two, appeared on her face. "You just did." She inched closer to him and grabbed his hands. "Thank you, Kurt. I love you."

"I love you too, so much." He hugged her tightly and didn't let go for a long time.

"So, what are you gonna do?"

Kurt sighed. "I'm gonna fly to Florida, as planned, and I'm gonna tell him the truth. Even if that means I'll lose him."

"Kurt, I don't think you could ever lose him. He might need some distance and time to be able to forgive you, but I don't think it's gonna be a permanent thing."

"We don't know that. I'm just so afraid but I did this to myself and now I'm gonna have to deal with the consiquences."

Rachel squeezed his hand. "I'm here for you, always."

Kurt smiled watery. "Thank you."

TBC