Chapter 16

Saturday again. Another weekend alone, again. Everything that he's seen and done before, again. Why hasn't anything changed yet? Why hasn't Rin gotten better yet? Why did he have to do this all oer again? Why is he having such a hard time giving in and just accepting that Rin isn't just going to miraculously get better and come running to his younger brother? Why couldn't he just accept and understand that? Why was he standing here, over the sink, and dragging his worn razor across his arm? Why was he still doing this when he knew that it was going to hurt, just like before, and that he wouldn't be any closer to understanding why Rin would do this? Why didn't he just give up?

He was insane. He, Yukio, the genius young exorcist, was insane. Who was he kidding when he thought that he was changing the parameters of the experiment? He was just repeating the same thing, over and over, hoping for a better result, one that he could make sense of and use. Einstein's definition of insanity...

He knew he was insane, so why did he keep doing it? It's not like it's a drug or something, what could possibly be addictive about hurting yourself? The point of pain is to make your body flinch and remove itself from situations that it finds unpleasant or harmful. That's why pain hurts, it's a signal to get away from whatever it is that is harming the body. If that's true, then why does Rin do it? And if that's true, why is he still here, letting his blood drip off his arm and into the cream white sink?

What compelled this action?

Research talks about endorphins and adrenaline. Endorphins are supposed to dull the pain, or at least mute it so that it doesn't bother him so much. Maybe that's what Rin is hooked on? Is he just a natural drug addict? Maybe, but then what about himself? What is this feeling that compels him to return here, day after day, and repeat the same motions? Adrenaline? Supposedly an addictive drug, naturally produced by the body, results from the fight or flight response, causes an accelerated heart rate and heavier breathing, can cause emotional highs. No way, he was not an adrenaline junkie. Maybe Rin though, with all the dangerous stuff he does, does he just need a rush?

What's going on? Yukio can't think anymore.

How did he get through all the craziness and fear that he had to deal with during his exorcist training? He just turned it all off. He wouldn't think, he wouldn't feel, he would just act and observe. Cold, apathetic, stone and steel. He was power, and he could turn off the power that was going toward his emotions and thoughts. Cut it off, and everything becomes easy, everything becomes clear.

The familiar emptiness of sealing away his sensations crept into his body. His mind was clear, there were no distractions, he could only act and observe, all thoughts becoming third person.

And idea occurred to him. What would happen if he tried it in this state? What would happen to his body? His emotions? How would he feel? What physical responses would he show? The only way to know is to test it.

Yukio took the slightly dull razor in his left hand this time, and lowered it toward his right arm. Without pausing or thinking, he pressed it into his skin and pulled it down about two inches. Blood pooled up quickly, and soon overflowed the wound.

Slightly increased heart rate, not significantly enough for observations. No change in breathing pattern. Delayed swelling around the wound. Minor slip in focus, unable to determine if this is due to blood loss, physical shock, or emotional response. Pain level: maybe 1 or 2 out of 10. Interesting. Emotional response: stronger pull of emotions than what is normally experienced in this state, implying that if there was a larger or stronger wound, he would "snap out" of this state.

From this, he could conclude that this act, while in this state, will diminish the physical effects of this action, while the emotional response will be heightened, though still ineffective, probably as a natural self defense mechanism. After all, pain is a stimulus that allows the body to know that something unpleasant and/or unwanted is happening to it.

This is probably not the reason that Rin does it. It seemed unlikely to Yukio that his older brother would be able to force himself into a state of minor dissociation on command just to be able to experience the highs of natural drugs flowing through his system.

Is it possible for him to force himself into a dissociative state by the act itself? Yukio knew that he had trained his mind to force itself into this state whenever he had to deal with something that scared him, or exorcism. The trigger was either fear or duty. For Rin, would this physical stimulus act as a trigger to force himself into such an unfeeling state? A place where his mind had full control over his action and behaviour, instead of his unconscious and his reflexes?

An interesting hypothesis, surely, and one that Yukio had decided to pursue later.

After testing a few more times, the reaction that his body has to adrenaline and endorphins in a dissociative state.

I can feel the weight of the blades in my pocket. They'll surely become familiar as I carry them around with me. I place the plastic shopping bag on the floor. I take it that Bon is still waiting for me to talk, to answer him. I don't want to talk. Sure, his messed up logic makes some sort of sense, but that doesn't mean that I want to talk to him. It's none of his business, he shouldn't care, and I bet this is one of his roundabout ways to try to tell me to stop.

Damn idiot, I told him to listen to my condition. That was the one thing I had said, and he still isn't listening. If he had thought that he was gaining my trust or something, if he thought that he was getting anywhere, then he just set himself back to square zero. All I said was to listen to me, and not to tell me to stop. I'll stop if I want to, but I don't want to. He doesn't get that, and I know that trying to tell him that won't be successful. He can't understand it, so the idea won't be able to sink into his thick skull.

I put my hand in my pocket, reassuring myself that the five blades in my pocket were all still there. Yes, they are.

"What makes you think that I'm going to talk to you?" I questioned.

"What? I'm your friend, Okumura! We've been living together for like 10 days now! Are you saying that you still haven't gotten over it yet?" Bon shouted, exasperated.

"To answer your question, yeah, I've gotten over it. I understand that you aren't trying to hurt me, mock me, or otherwise do anything to bother me. You're trying to be nice, if a little controlling and OCD about my homework. I've gotten over it, because hey, it happened, all that's left is to deal with it, right? But that's not what I was asking. When I ask why you think I'm going to talk to you, what I mean is why do you think I trust you?" I explained, looking up to glare at him.

"We've been living together for 10 freaking days, we're classmates, and as exorcists, it's kind of a requirement that we trust each other. How else can we work together?"

Stupid rooster. "I said I'd gotten over what you did. I never said that I trusted you. And don't expect me to, especially after what you just said." I said.

"What in the fucking hell are you talking about Okumura? Make some sense." Bon demanded, a little pissed. Man, it's easy to tick him off.

"Clearly you weren't listening to what I told you in the beginning. I thought you were supposed to be smart." I replied. Yeah, I'm a smart-ass. I can be pert if I want to.

"I didn't tell you to stop, though! I'm listening to you, just like I said that I would! That's what I'm trying to do right now!"

"Yes, you did, and no you aren't."

"God! How do you get that?"

"You're telling me to talk it out, in hopes that that will make me see sense and reason and stop, am I wrong? You aren't listening to me at all, because I told you not to tell me what to do, which is exactly what you are doing right now. Shut up right now." I explained.

"And you said that my logic was twisted." Bon complained.

"Was I wrong, though? And didn't I tell you to shut up? How about this, shut up or get out!" I replied.

"Then what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Exactly what I told you to do. Shut up or leave."

"I don't understand what you're talking about!"

"Fuck you, then. I'm leaving." I stood up and left, slamming the door behind me.

Now where can I go? I guess I can just wander around outside. It's a nice enough day, and I don't have anywhere else to be. I don't really want to take the stairs in case I run into Yukio, so I guess that leaves the windows. I can climb out the bathroom.

I strode over to the bathroom window, opened it, and vaulted myself out of it. That's plus one reason for being a demon. This type of jump doesn't kill me. It doesn't even hurt me.

I wandered around the building a couple of times, and then took refuge under a tree.

I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I hate everything about me that is such a fuckup that I can't even do anything about anything. I just made Bon mad at me again for no real reason than that what I do is none of his business. No better time than now to test out my new toys.

I felt my pocket again. None of them fell out when I jumped out the window. That's good. I picked one out and tested my thumb against it. It felt pretty sharp, and the blade itself was very solid. I placed it over my left arm, the outside, of course, and pressed pretty hard when I ran it along my skin. It bit pretty deep and I could actually feel it as my skin and underlying fat and muscle layers split apart. The blood came fast and started running on to the ground. I'm sure I'd feel the blood loss if my demon body didn't regenerate so quickly. This one will probably scar. It's deep.

I can feel the frustrations, the stress and tension in my shoulders, everything released with the injury, and I can breath again. It's not so bad. I hate it all, but it all feels manageable again.

Now I think of the tree. Poor thing, now it has demon blood mixed in with its food. Poor grass too. I hope that my blood doesn't affect it too badly. I'd hate for something as innocent as a tree to suffer by my hand.

And now I'm caring about a tree and some grass like they're people. Shit, I must be going insane. What the hell is so wrong with me? I almost wish that I could trust people again, at least enough to feel like this isn't necessary. Like it was before. I want everything to be like it was before when they didn't know anything about me, and I could pretend like I was happy because I had people that I could consider friends for the first time in my life.

I just want to go back to that. I want to be able to stop and put my toys away forever, but I won't. They're a part of me, a part of my life, and I can't get rid of the only friends that have never betrayed me. Sad isn't it? My best friends ever are pieces of metal. Hah! I really am a loser. No wonder no one would want to be around me. I'm a demon, and a pathetic loser whose only friends are small objects with sharp edges, meant to cause me harm.

I'm pretty fucked up, aren't I?

I sighed and replaced the small blade. I think pencil sharpeners are my new favourite. I can feel the ache from the wound I just caused, and it's not that unpleasant. It hasn't stopped bleeding yet, and I can feel it. I think I like my new toys. It'll ache for a while, and for a while, I'll be able to breathe.

I leaned against the tree and closed my eyes. I let out a breath, and forced myself to relax, at least as much as I can. Maybe I'm running away from everything, but I don't fucking care. I don't fucking care anymoooore. Ah, Reel Big Fish. A band I can dive into sometimes to keep my mind out of this space it's in now. Listen to the quick beat, the high brass, and lyrics that I can't relate to at all. It's kind of nice.

I let my arm rest off to the side, letting my blood flow to the ground. I can't stain my clothes. Blood is fucking hard to get out.

I heard some soft footsteps behind me. A few twigs snapped as the person stepped on them. This person is walking towards me. The footsteps are getting louder and closer. Thirty feet, twenty feet, ten, and they stop.

"Is that you, Okumura? What are you doing out here?"

Song credit: Nothin' by Reel Big Fish