In any event.
Chapter 2.
A/N- A quick update ahead of tomorrows episode. I have re-watched last weeks episode about five times now (well the McElliot parts.) and I just cannot bare how sad Caroline looks in the scene with her mum after the dumping. It kills me. Fingers crossed for happier days. Speaking of which...this will get less angsty in the next chapter.
Kate's kitchen was smaller than Caroline's, even the one at Caroline's new place was a little more spacious than this galley style one. What resulted was a funny little dance, Kate would reach past Caroline to open a cupboard and pull out another ingredient, herbs, sauces. Caroline would step behind Kate to get to the sink, her hand grazing the small of Kate's back as she did so. Kate snatched at a slice of cheese that Caroline had just cut and the taller woman smacked playfully at her hand. Kate giggled over the rim of her wine glass as she watched the taller woman find her way confidently around her domain.
Dinner over, dishes defeated in a joint effort and Kate having checked on Mya and the two women were relaxing in the living room with what was left of a bottle of wine and so far, all the difficult topics of discussion happily avoided.
Caroline was dying to kick off her heels and tuck her feet up onto the couch but she figured, since it was their first night together in two years, she should behave a little more formally, perhaps it was the wine making her feel so at home, maybe it was the company.
"What's her name?" Kate asked out of nowhere.
"Who?" Caroline looked blankly before fully registering Kate's look. "Oh, Does it matter?"
A long silence.
"Sheila, she's a deputy head at an all girls school in Bolton. We met at a conference." Caroline shrugged.
"And you felt something?" Kate pushed, careful to keep her eyes on her glass.
"Noooooh, I mean, we talked about school and we got on...I think I knew right away that she was attracted to me...there was something about her manner..." Caroline attempted to explain.
"She flirted with you." Kate provided simply.
"Yes, I suppose she did." Caroline agreed. "Then she emailed me that she was in the area, would I like to go for dinner?"
"And the rest as they say..." Kate interrupted, deciding she couldn't stand further details and moving to sit up straighter on the couch, more defensively.
Caroline was miffed, it was Kate that had asked. "You're not...? Jealous?" She asked doubtfully.
Kate rolled her eyes with a sharp sigh. "Gosh no Caroline, why would I be jealous? You slinking off to meet women for nights of fun filled, commitment free sex. Sounds terrible."
Caroline looked uncomfortable, unsure, she sipped at her wine for something to do.
"Sorry..." Kate sighed. "I shouldn't...it's been two years...people move on."
"I suppose they do." Caroline agreed. "I didn't...see anyone. For a long time after you. It's only been the last six months I have been able to even think of... And even then..." Caroline shut her eyes and pressed her hand to her head as if it pained her.
"What?" Kate asked. A softer voice, entreating, hopeful. Her fingers reaching out to touch the top of Caroline's knee.
"I compared her to you. I still do. Everytime. It's not fair really. She is very nice...just..not...you." Caroline admitted quietly, her fingers fiddling with the stem of the wine glass.
The colour rose in Kate's cheeks and she reigned in her triumphant smile, clearing her throat to ask her next question.
"And is... she open about who she is? I mean...do you sneak around behind the backs of the Independent Schools Inspectorate or are you any more comfortable with being with a woman?" Kate teased a little.
Caroline knew that this issue would come up. It had been a large factor in their break up.
"I have yet to ride on my own float in the pride parade." Caroline quipped. "But I'm done hiding...pretending. The boys know that I see someone from time to time, they know her name, but also that it's nothing serious...and I told my mother."
Kate made a noise, air huffing out of her mouth unbidden, then an apologetic look. "I'll bet your mother was ecstatic when we split up wasn't she?"
Caroline shook her head as she remembered. "No. No I don't think she was."
Celia had struggled with Kate from the start, or the fact that Kate was a woman, but she had never rejoiced in their break up. Caroline suspected that she could see how much pain her daughter was in and that she didn't want to add to that. When Caroline had casually mentioned that she was going over to Manchester to stay with a woman she had met, Celia had taken it in her stride and told her to have a good time.
"It has taken me a while Kate, but I realise now I was the only thing getting in the way of my own happiness, so concerned with what everyone else saw or would think...when it is so truly unimportant. I know you won't believe it but, losing you taught me that." Caroline stated, more boldly now.
Kate felt an actually stabbing pain in her heart, an old wound made fresh. Caroline was saying all the right things but Kate was well aquatinted with the blindness she had when it came to this woman. Caroline could say just about anything and Kate would believe it, because she so badly wanted to. Kate had to be smarter this time.
"You were always a bit of a snob." Kate moved away from the intensity. "I found it quite sexy at first."
Caroline opened her mouth wide in disbelief then clamped it shut as she thought about the statement. She shrugged.
"I can deal with that."
Kate excused herself to check on Mya.
Xxxx
"We did just about everything wrong didn't we?" Caroline remarked later as they sat face to face on Kate's comfortable sofa, the heels having finally come off.
"Do you know it was less than a year from the time of our first kiss to the last." She pointed out matter of factly, she'd clearly given it plenty of thought.
"I suppose it was." Kate agreed, trying not to look at Caroline's lips as she talked about kissing.
"And in that time, I'd been depressed, I had my marriage breakdown, I came out, to my children...to my Mother! I moved you in...you wanted a baby...We broke up three times!" She laughed a hollow laugh and clasped a hand to her mouth.
"It was too much, too fast. We knew that..." Kate offered weakly.
"I couldn't stop it though. I felt like a teenager, I wasn't interested in being practical. I didn't want to listen to reason. I was trying for once to listen to my heart...and look how that ended."
Kate looked away with a sad smile.
"I told my Mother that I'd blown it with you and when she asked me why? I said because I was just no good at things, sometimes. But that wasn't true, I'm Caroline bloody Elliott, I was good at everything, studying, my career, being a mum, a daughter...even being a wife...I was good to John throughout the marriage. ... It was just us, I was bad at, the first thing really that I failed miserably at." Caroline made a face and avoided Kate's eyes, letting her head fall back and looking at the ceiling.
"With John, with my other relationships...I'd been in the driving seat, always. I called the shots, I told him what he could do, when he could do it...I even told him when would be a good time to ask me to marry him."
"Really?" Kate chuckled despite being unsurprised.
"Oh yeah. And then... With you, I tried to be in charge again, I thought I could just slot you neatly into my existing life. But it didn't work. You wanted things from me...things I couldn't give you. I wanted to...I wanted those things too..."
"You weren't ready." Kate said. "You told me that, but I thought you'd get there because I needed you to. Because I was running out of time."
"Bad timing then? Is that what it was?" Caroline wondered allowed, wouldn't that be an easy answer. Easy on them both.
"Perhaps. That was some of it. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time." Kate shrugged. "You want different things."
"Times have changed." Caroline said, watching Kate carefully.
"They have." Kate nodded. "I've got Mya now...I have to think about her...I have to put her first...before my own ha..."
"Happiness." Caroline jumped in, an echo of a conversation they had had so long ago. "I understand." She started, dejectedly.
"If we were to ...if we tried ...again...it would have to be different." Kate said steadily.
"Yes, it would." Caroline said, shifting closer, closing the gap.
"I don't think I could go through that again...it nearly finished me last time Caroline." Kate said tearily. "I was so angry with you for hurting me...for screwing it up."
Caroline moved closer and held Kate's face in her palm. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Kate...
It was never my intention to hurt you."
Kate swallowed a sob before it could emerge. "You have to be really, really sure...
and we have to go slow...get to know each other again, make sure that it's what we both want."
"I should leave the marriage proposal for the time being then...is that what you're saying?" Caroline teased, and felt Kate's laughter against her chest as she held her close. Caroline ran her hand over Kate's thick black locks.
"I'd like another chance." She whispered softly and felt the woman she held nodding in reply.
Xxxxx
A/N- Thank you so much to everyone who followed/faved and especially reviewed the first chapter, I try and reply to folks individually normally but I am crazy busy at the moment so Thanks to you all. xxx