Kurt instantly relaxed as he felt two warm arms wrap around him. He was seated by his computer, staring at the screen. He could smell vanilla and he could feel soft hair brush against his arms as a small body leaned into him from behind.

"You booked your ticket?" Rachel asked and looked at the screen.

He let out a breath and nodded, feeling very uneasy.

"You're gonna be okay." She placed a kiss to his cheek.

"You don't know that. I don't know that. I feel like everything is gonna go so, so wrong." He said in a shaky voice.

The arms disappeared as she walked around him to take a seat in front of him on his bed, the computer between them.

"Why? It's Blaine."

"He was a boxer. What if he hits me? Or what if his brother beats the living crap out of me?!" Kurt's eyes widened.

Rachel raised an eyebrow, looking at him unimpressed. "Do you honestly think Blaine, your Blaine, would even as much as consider hitting you?"

Kurt looked down in shame. "No, of course not."

"Exactly. And do you think he would allow Cooper to as much as lay a finger on you?"

"…no."

"There you go. Don't be ridiculous, Kurt."

"I'm just scared, okay!" Kurt groaned in frustration and stood up, running his hand through his hair, messing it up, while pacing back and fourth. "I know I did this to myself, I know, and I know I have to deal with it. But I don't want to, I want to go back in time and undo what I did-"

He stopped pacing and looked at Rachel who was looking down, trying to conceal her hurt expression.

"I'm sorry, you know I don't mean it like that." He walked over and touched her shoulder.

She looked up, forcing a smile. "I know, don't worry."

He sighed deeply and sat down again. "I… I should start packing."

"Okay. Do you want help?"

"No, thank you. I kind of want to be alone right now."

She nodded and left him in his room by himself.

Why the fuck did you say that, Hummel? You're about as smooth as sand paper goddammit.

He took a steady breath and walked over to his closet. He started taking all of his shirts out, placing them on the bed.

The bed where you slept next to Rachel after you fucked her.

He swallowed thickly, ignoring the way his stomach twisted painfully. He threw the shirts on the floor instead. He studied them for a long time, trying to figure out which one would make him look the most sorry and which wouldn't give him away too quickly.

He picked up a black one with white birds on it. He made a face. That was definitely not the right one. He put it back and groaned in frustration. Eventually he just threw some randoms in his suitcase along with pants, socks, underwear and other necessary things.

When he was finished he was surprised by how easily he could close the suitcase. Usually he would have Rachel sit on it while holding onto some heavy books to be able to shut it, once he even broke the zipper. He supposed his sadness was affecting a lot of things. That fact made him even sadder.

Rachel stuffed her hands in the pockets of her coat as she walked along the pavement. She just really needed some air.

She would be lying if she said Kurt's words hadn't hurt her. But at the same time she knew what he was going through and she didn't want to make it even more difficult for him. They needed to stick together to get through this.

Still, Kurt's trip could change so many things. And she couldn't stop the what if's from pressing into her mind.

What if Blaine actually forgives him? Then there is no way he'll stay with me.

What if Blaine doesn't forgive him? Will he stay with me?

What if Blaine gets really upset and blames it all on me?

What if Kurt turns on me?

Her heart was beating faster and she had nervous knots in her stomach. Kurt was leaving in three days and would be gone for three weeks. How the hell was she supposed to go three weeks unknowing of what would happen once Kurt returned? She knew she would drive herself mad, thinking too much and worrying until she got sick.

She was just so afraid of losing Kurt. They were best friends, first of all. And even though they drove each other crazy most of the time, he meant the world to her and she knew she would never find someone like him. He was one of a kind, just like her. They were soulmates, in a friendship way. And maybe more… or possibly not.

It didn't matter.

It couldn't matter.

It shouldn't matter.

But she couldn't deny her feelings. She knew they'd go away in time if Kurt ended up with Blaine, but the heartbreak would almost be too much. She had already been through so much.

The October air was cold and she wrapped her arms around herself, watching as leaves fell off the trees. It was weird, how something that was dying could bring so much color and beauty to a city.

She stopped walking in the middle of the street, looking up at the gray sky. She shut her eyes and inhaled deeply.

Just as tiny drops of rain fell and landed on Rachel's face her phone beeped. She dug her hand into her pocket and grabbed it, reading the message.

Rachel, could you buy some cheesecake on the way home? -K

She raised her eyebrow.

Cheesecake? Who died? -R

No one! I'm just having a craving. -K

Eating your feelings again? -R

She got no answer and she rolled her eyes, knowing that was the case. Kurt always stuffed his face when he was worried or upset. The only cure is cake, like he said everytime Rachel gave him the look.

Being the good friend she was, she stopped by the bakery and got Kurt's favorite cheesecake before making her way home.

She was thanked with a tight hug, a grateful smile and a soft kiss on her cheek. She would never admit how fast it made her heart pound.

Kurt was restless. He kept twisting and turning, not able to find sleep. The clock on his nightstand showed 2:24, it was less than six hours left until he needed to get up and drive to the airport. The past two days had passed by so quickly, it was already time for him to leave.

A month ago he'd imagine he'd be awake from excitement for meeting his boyfriend after so long. Not that he'd lay here with knots in his stomach, feeling like he's about to throw up.

Another hour passed by and he just couldn't take it any longer. He got out of his bed and put on a shirt before making his way out to the kitchen.

He walked over to the fridge to take out the last piece of cheesecake when he jumped at the sight of someone sitting by the kitchen table. He looked up and placed a hand over his heart.

"Rachel! Oh my god, you scared me." He stared at her with wide eyes. "What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep." She shrugged and stared down at the glass in front of her. It was dark red, like wine.

"Are you drinking?" Kurt frowned and walked over, sitting next to her with the cheesecake.

"So what if I am?" She said, and now that he was closer he could see how unfocused her eyes were.

Kurt bit his lip, wondering how many glasses she'd had. "Are you… okay?"

She mumbled something he didn't hear as she took another sip.

"Eh?" Kurt raised an eyebrow.

"No, I'm not." She sighed.

"What's wrong?" He asked and took a bite of the cake.

Rachel sighed and turned away from him slightly, obviously not in the mood to talk about it.

"Did something happen?"

"No, nothing happened!" She snapped and scowled at him. "Look, I'm just… restless and I needed to get my mind off of things. Just leave it alone."

Her sharp tone told Kurt not to argue, so he didn't press the issue further. He knew better than to argue with Rachel Berry.

"Okay, just know that I'm here if you need to talk."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks." She downed the rest of her drink. "Look, I think I'm gonna…" She pointed over her shoulder at her bedroom as she stood up.

Kurt nodded and was just about to take another bite of cheesecake as he was pushed off his chair and slammed against the wall, soft lips tasting like alcohol and vanilla on his, kissing him furiously and a cold hand slipping down his pants before he even registered what was happening.

Rachel wrapped her hand around him and began stroking him so fast it was almost painful, desperate to get him hard as she moved her lips from his to his neck, sucking so hard he was sure he would have bruises. She grabbed his hand and brought it to her right breast, massaging it with his fingers and moaning brokenly into his mouth.

Everything was happening so fast that it took Kurt a moment to cope with it all. He gasped and quickly pushed her away from him, her hand sliding out of his pants and his hand leaving her breast to grab her shoulder.

She was panting, looking at him desperately. He could see some panic flash over her wide eyes as she tried to get closer to him again.

"Rachel, what in the world-"

He was cut off by her kisses again but this time he was alert and pushed her off of him with more force. "Rachel, stop it!"

That seemed to wake her up and realize what she was doing. She slapped both hands over her mouth and inhaled sharply. "Oh god, I'm sorry… I don't know what…" She started hyperventilating and tears appeared in her eyes as she struggled for air.

Kurt was there quickly, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close. "Rachel, please talk to me." He whispered as he rubbed circles on her back.

"I just want you." She sobbed into his chest. "I'm so scared that you're g-gonna go there and…" She trailed off. "And when you c-come home you'll f-forget me. And I'll be alone."

"What? I would never forget you." He said in confusion.

She shook her head furiously and pulled away from him, digging her fingers into her eyes. "No, you don't get it." She kept shaking her head. "Stop… having feelings for me."

Kurt's face softened and he instantly felt sorry for her. He had been so busy worrying about what would happen in Florida that he had completely forgotten to think about what Rachel must be feeling. She must be hurting more than he was, she had been having feelings for him for so long and now when he was finally responding to them, she would have them taken away from her. Maybe for good.

"Rachel…" He whispered, feeling guilty for being so selfish. "I…" He couldn't promise her that he'd always have feelings for her, because he didn't know that for sure. He didn't even know what exactly it was he was feeling for her. For her it was most likely crystal clear, which must make it even more painful.

"No." She removed her fingers from her, now red, eyes. "Don't… I shouldn't be saying this, you have plenty enough to worry about. I'm sorry."

Kurt frowned and he grabbed her hands. "We are in this together, which means both of our feelings are equally important. Don't hold everything in just to make it easier for me."

She nodded slowly, a few tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just want you so much." She said in a choked voice.

Kurt bit his lip, he couldn't deny that he wanted her too. But it felt wrong to… do that when he was leaving to see his boyfriend tomorrow.

He sighed deeply, he would do this for her. One more time couldn't make him feel any worse. So he brought her right hand to his pants again, allowing her to slide it down and feel him again. He shut his eyes and kissed her softly, relaxing and rubbed himself against her hand slowly until he could feel himself grow hard. He pulled away and looked at her.

Her jaw was slack and her brows slightly furrowed, she was clearly confused.

"What are you doing?" She whispered.

"I want you too." He whispered back. And then added, "Please."

She smiled softly and began stroking him again, their lips connecting. The air filled with breathy moans and heavy breathing and the sound of their heartbeat rushing in their airs. They switched positions so Rachel was against the wall and once they were completely naked, her legs wrapped around his waist as he held her up by her ass. The room filled with louder moans and the sound of flesh slapping against flesh. They kissed and kissed and kissed, and marked each other and moaned each others name until everything tensed up and they screamed out in pleasure, seeing stars. They were skin to skin, heart to heart and in that moment, everything felt so right.

As they pulled away from each other, their hearts beating fast and their heads clouded, they walked into Rachel's bedroom and fell asleep in each others arms.

The next morning when Kurt woke up, his body was sticky with sweat and other things, Rachel's legs tangled with his and her body draped over his, still sleeping soundly. He bit his lip and although he had some guilt for what happened last night, he couldn't bring himself to cry about it. It had felt too right and too amazing to be sad about and damn if that didn't make him feel even worse.

He looked at the clock on the nightstand, he seriously needed to hurry if he was gonna get to the airport on time. He carefully wiggled out of Rachel's grip and stood up. He went into the bathroom for a quick shower. He made a face at the bruises on his neck and covered it up with a scarf after changing into his planned outfit and styled his hair and then rushed his moisturizing routine.

He walked into Rachel's bedroom again, she was still asleep. He didn't have the heart to wake her up as he knew how painful it would be after what they had done. He wrote her a note instead and placed it beside her so she would see it for sure. He then placed a soft kiss to her forehead which caused her to smile in her sleep, with his heart aching slightly, he grabbed his suitcase and left the apartment.

Rachel woke up from the sun shining through the window, making everything too bright. She rolled over on her stomach, burying her face in the pillow, hiding away from the light. But even though the sun bothered her, her entire body felt relaxed and she felt happier than she had in days, weeks even. She smiled and looked up, expecting to see Kurt lying next to her. Her smile fell and she felt a pang in her chest once she saw that he wasn't there.

She sat up and put on a robe, before walking out to the livingroom. "Kurt?" She called out.

No answer.

She felt tears burning her eyes. He couldn't have left without saying goodbye, he couldn't…

She called his name more times and searched every room when she got no answer. She couldn't help the tears that was rolling down her cheeks when she noticed his suitcase was gone, along with his coat. She was full on sobbing as she returned to the bedroom. Only then did she notice the piece of paper lying on her nightstand.

Rachel,

I left early and didn't want to wake you up. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, but you looked so peaceful and beautiful. I'm sorry if it made you upset.

As you read this I'm probably on the plane, so my phone will be off. I promise I'll call you as soon as I land, though.

Last night was amazing and I'm leaving with a heavy heart, you should know that.

I love you and I miss you already, please take care of yourself while I'm gone.

See you soon,

- Kurt.

Her tears were making the paper wet and the ink was starting to smudge but she didn't care as she hugged the note to her chest, and fell onto the bed in a fetal position. She cried until she didn't have any tears left to cry, she had no idea how long she laid there.

Eventually she sat up and wiped her eyes. She inhaled and exhaled a few times, grabbing her phone. She would wait for his phone call, and she would not be crying when he called.

Thank god she didn't have rehearsal today, because arriving with red and puffy eyes and a hoarse voice, being forced to sing and dance was not something she would be able to do.

Kurt's plane flight was hell. His heart was beating fast. He felt sick, and the disgusting plane food didn't make it any better. He tried listening to music, tried sleeping but nothing worked. He was way too nervous for his arrival in Florida. He had no idea what would happen and what to expect.

He wouldn't fantasize, he wouldn't… he would only be disappointed.

Once the plane landed and he had his suitcase in his hand again he remembered to dial Rachel. She sounded fine, although her voice was slightly hoarse. He wondered if it was from all the moaning last night or from crying.

He really hoped it wasn't the latter.

The conversation was short and after she had reassured him that she was fine he hung up. He walked out of the airport and jumped into a cab. He thought about calling Blaine and letting him know that he would be there soon, but he wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep it together if he heard his voice. So he sent him a quick text. He got an answer almost immediately and it almost hurt to see how happy Blaine seemed, even through text.

The Florida traffic was insane and Kurt was seriously losing his mind. And the fact that the damn cab driver tried to make conversation with him wasn't helping. Kurt didn't feel like talking in the slightest.

When he finally arrived outside of Cooper's house he was half an hour late and the knots in his stomach and become twice as many. He paid the cab driver and slowly walked up to the door. The house was massive and apparently had a swimming pool in the backyard. It was white and surrounded by flowers, very well taken care of, he could see. And he probably would have appreciated its size and beauty more if he wasn't so nervous he could barely stand upright.

With a shaky hand he rung the doorbell, his breath caught in his throat.

He could hear footsteps getting closer and with each one, his body seemed to tense even more. The lock unlocked and the door was pulled open.

He was face-to-face with the breathtaking boy he had been dating for four years.

He was pulled into a tight embrace as Blaine nuzzled into his neck, inhaling his scent and nearly sobbing at the relief of having him close again.

Kurt felt like sobbing too, but for a complete different reason.

"Kurt!" Blaine's voice was muffled against his shoulder.

Kurt blinked back the tears in his eyes. "Blaine."

TBC