Chapter 23

"Where am I? I don't want to die in this heap of junk!" I was standing in the middle of a seemingly endless landscape of gears, cogs, and other metal scraps. No door in sight, just endless garbage. I can't believe Mephisto trapped me in a place like this, just useless metal and air, no exit, leaving me all alone when he knows perfectly well that I'm going to die. He isn't even doing anything to help me! I'm his ward and he said he'd protect me, but all he's doing right now is letting me sit here waiting to die! It just frustrates me so much!

I started kicking the scraps randomly, trying to work out some of that frustration. It wasn't working very well, but at least it was something to do until I got tired.

"I don't want to die..."

Is that really true? Mephisto gave me options before, to let them kill me or to kill myself. Yukio told me once to just die. Father Fujimoto saved me for a reason and I don't want that reason to go to waste, but maybe I really should just die. I might hurt someone the next time I draw my sword, I don't know if it's worth it. I've already proved that I can't do it. I can't control my flames, even after doing exactly that on three separate occasions. Even after I knew I could do it, I still screwed up.

I stared at the "sky," feeling the bits of sharp metal under my feet, shifting my weight to keep comfortable. I suppose I could kill myself here. It's a world of metal scraps. I could easily find something to cut myself with and bleed out. If that fails, maybe one of the rusty pieces will gives me tetanus or something. Or maybe I'll just starve to death, or die of dehydration. It doesn't really matter too much in the end, how I go, just that I will.

I leaned down and snapped a piece of metal off of one of the sheet-like scraps under my feet. I guess the demon strength has one good use after all. I chuckled a little as I put the bit of metal in my pocket, amusing myself by thinking about what Mephisto's reaction will be when he finds out that I got a new toy from the prison that he put me in after taking my sharpeners away, after he commented to me about having them and taking them away like he cared or something.

I sighed again and looked back up at the "sky." Am I going to die totally useless? I never even managed to make up with everyone, as much as they may or may not have wanted to make up with me. I thought we were getting somewhere and now it's all over. Why did he save me?

"Father Fujimoto... TELL ME!" I shouted.

"Rin!" I heard a voice calling my name. My head flew up almost involuntarily and much more quickly than I would have liked. I might have a little neck pain later just because I'm not used to people actually using my name, calling me, or generally wanting me around in the first place. I see the person that the voice belongs to.

"Shiemi?

"Rin! I came to rescue you! I heard everything from Miss Kirigakure, that you want to help us fight. Let's get out of here!" she called. She ran closer and stopped just a little in front of me.

I know that getting out is whatI wanted. I don't really want to die in here, I think, well if I had to die it would probably be somewhere nicer than here but what does it matter when I'm going to die anyways. The result will be the same, people will be happier whether I die here or outside and it's not like I'm even going to remember what my final view was after I'm dead... No I'm not getting distracted. Shiemi is standing a few feet in front of me. I'm dangerous. I can't control my flames. She could get hurt. I need to get her away from me, even if it breaks my heart a little bit to do so.

"Stay back!" I shout at her.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I-I'm not sure I can use my flame anymore. I've been getting by on enthusiasm so far, but that's not enough. Maybe I'd be better of dead after all..." I did not mean to just say that out loud. Please tell me that I didn't just say that out loud and in front of Shiemi no less.

Shit, I must have. I can see tears building in her eyes.

"What... How can you say that? Never say that again!" As if telling me that is going to prevent me from doing so, or from thinking about it.

"You don't understand. And you don't need to either." I gave a small laugh. It's inevitable. I'm going to either die or be killed. It doesn't matter anymore. It doesn't even matter if I cut myself into oblivion anymore. Nothing is going to change. I could even do it right in front of this girl I've fallen for and it won't change a damn thing. I reach into my pocket for my tool but Shiemi cut me off before I could pull it out.

"Stop it! Don't just laugh and push me away! I want to help you!" Great, I've made her cry now. I really am just a...

"Go back! I'm a MONSTER!" I shout and lose control once again. The flames are spreading out around me and all I can do is cry and hope that they reel themselves back in as I try to calm down.

"I mean, look at me." I can't help it, I know I must look really stupid right now. The tears just fall down my face and I can't even hold up some semblance of the carefree character that she had known until recently. I can't believe I'm crying in front of the girl I really like.

I do my best to make her back off. I don't want to hurt her or anyone else ever again. I deserve to be locked up, or at the very least, killed. Maybe my priorities are wrong here, but I'd rather be dead than lonely. I hope Shiemi takes the hint and back off. I can feel the flame just behind my eyes as I stare straight into her clear blue ones and watch the tears pool on her lower eyelids. Through the hurt evident on her face, I can almost see some sort of determination. I can only wonder briefly before she surprises me.

"I'm sorry Rin!" She runs up to me, grabs my shoulders, and pulls me into her body, holding tight. I'm too shocked to move or say anything for a moment. My flames go out immediately. What does she think she's doing? The touch is so foreign and so wonderful, it almost hurts. I don't want her to let go, but I remember that my flames were still around me when she took hold of me.

"You dummy, I'm dangerous," is the only weak reply I can come up with. I don't know what to do. I'm torn between the comfort I'm receiving and the pain I must be causing her at the moment. Why doesn't she just push me away and solve the problem for me? Why would she hurt herself for me? I'm not worth it.

"It's all right. Look! I'm not burned at all. You did that, so it's all right!"

Now I need to get away on my own. I push myself away from her. I really miss the hug, but she's crazy. "Y-You're not scared of me?"

"No."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Shiemi gives me a large smile.

"So you don't think I'm a monster?"

"No, of course not! You're a good person, Rin, and I've always believed in you. I never thought you were dangerous. I don't think you could ever hurt anyone you thought was a friend."

"But what about all those other times? This whole month, I don't know what to think." I don't understand. She was so scared every time she got near me before. How did it suddenly change in the past day? That's not possible.

"I was never scared of what you could do. I trust you. I was scared of what you thought about me. I was too weak and too shy to stand up for you and I was scared you would hate me for that. Once I found out that you were actually scared of us, I just didn't know how to talk to you."

"Oh..." So that was it? "But... even when..." I trailed off. I stared at my arms and my hands, just confused, sad, and a little scared all at the same time. I suddenly felt nervous just being around her, more than normal, I mean.

"It hurt a lot when we found you in the bathroom that night. I really wanted to apologize right then, but it was a hard situation for both sides and the apology just fell to the sidelines. But that doesn't mean I don't want to help you! I really care about you and want you to feel better because you're my friend!"

Shiemi walked over to me and sat us both down. She took my left hand and held it in between both of her hands. The small, soft touch of her hands is almost enough to make me cry. I've missed this sensation for too long. Slowly and gently, she moves her right hand up my arm and brushes the sleeve back halfway up my forearm. A few scars are visible.

"I was scared when I saw what you did, and I don't really understand it. I don't think I ever could, because this isn't something that I'd ever need to do. You must have been in a lot of pain." Her voice trailed off and almost seemed to choke at the end. I can't look into her face, so I just keep staring at her hand on my arm.

"But that doesn't mean I think of you any different. It doesn't change who you are at all. Rin is still Rin, even if I know more or less about you. You are still my friend and that's the only thing that matters. If I had been a better friend to you, then maybe you-you wouldn't have felt like you had to.. had too..."

I hate making girls cry. There's no reason that a girl should ever cry over me. I'm a monster, a freak, a demon. I'm worthless, pathetic, scared, and I shouldn't be alive. I shouldn't even exist. There's no reason that Shiemi should be crying over me. It makes me at least ten times worse in every category to have her cry because of me.

As if she can see the hateful thoughts running through my head, she pulls me in tightly once again and hugs my head against her chest. "Please don't hate yourself. We all care about you very much and we want to make you happy. Even if you don't believe us, don't trust us, we just want you to feel good again."

I put my arms around her waist and hug back, gripping tightly and bracing for the rejection that I'm sure will follow. "But what if hurting myself is what makes me happy?"

Instead of pushing me away, Shiemi surprises me again by hugging even tighter. "Then that means that we aren't trying hard enough. It means that the rest of us are bad friends. Maybe it makes you feel better, but I know that it doesn't make you happy, so DON'T LIE TO ME!"

I sit there, breathing in her warmth and taking in the love I can feel from her. She smells like fresh earth, just turned to be ready to plant a garden. As tears once again find their way down my face, I can't help but just give in and accept the positive feelings directed at me for the first time in a very very long time.

"Thank you, Shiemi." I manage to say.

"I will always be here for you Rin, the same way that you're always there for me. But right now, we need to stop the Impure King." Shiemi said.

"Just one more minute? Or even thirty seconds? I want just one more moment in this hug before I blast this stupid cage open. I promise, you won't be burned, even a little bit."

"Okay then, just for a moment."

"GRAAAAH!"

I blasted that stupid prison open. Strongest prison my ass. My stupid flames could beat it from the inside. Pretty dumb design if you ask me. Why would you make something impenetrable from the outside but so damn weak on the inside? Wasn't it supposed to be for powerful and dangerous prisoners? Whatever. Stupid clown. I feel almost proud of that cage's dying scream.

As I step forward, I check out my surroundings. Yep, same place that I was before, down in the maximum security holding area part of the temple... wherever that is. It's the same room, only now all the exwires are there. Wait... What? Why?

"You all came to help?" What's wrong with them? Why are they here?

"I wouldn't like it if you died." Konekomaru spoke up. Now I'm very confused. Doesn't he hate me and blame me for the deaths of his parents during the blue night? "I know you're not dangerous, so let's be friends." He even gave me a small smile.

"Konekomaru..." This force in my chest, ripping it's way out, it almost feels nice.

"Just so you know, I'm only following Kirigakure's orders." I know when Izumo is lying.

"Just be thankful I came at all!" Shima will never change.

"You-You guys..." I can feel the damn tears pooling in my eyes again. Why do I keep crying like this all the time?

And then a gut-punch from nowhere. "S-Suguro?" He looks absolutely furious.

"You were right, but only about my dad. You need this if you're gonna fight, so here!" Suguro shoved the sword into my hands.

"Oh, um, sorry I hit you." I apologized.

"I'll take you to Kongoshinzan, then you can do whatever you want. I'll fight on my own." Hearing Bon say stupid stuff like that, he almost sounds like I did before I talked with Shiemi.

"Suguro... You gotta trust me. I can't help is that I'm Satan's child, but I'll use my flames for us. Please, trust me!" This request only seems to make him more angry. I'm offering to help, so why is he getting more upset?

"Who cares about that?" What is he talking about? Isn't that why he hated me in the first place? "What I can't forgive is how you take on everything yourself. You're the one who pushed us away. Why should I trust a guy like that? Am I the only one who thought we were friends?"

Is he serious? The only reason he was angry is because I didn't talk to him about any of this before? He's only mad at me because he thought that I was being dumb? That I didn't see him as my friend? It was all a big miscommunication between two dumb teenage guys?

"Seriously? That's why you were mad? That's your reason?" Apparently Shima was just as confused as I was.

"No! That's not how I meant it!" I struggled to explain. I get it now. If that's how it is, then we can work together and beat this demon. Just the demon. I'm not giving him a one up in any other scenario, this teamwork is limited to exorcisms only. This trust is the trust that those who go into battle give each other so that we can all win and survive.

I'm not ready to give away my personal, emotional trust quite yet, but this, I can do.

"We head to Kongoshinzan in Rakuhoku to defeat the Impure King." Bon dictated. I guess he's the self-proclaimed leader of our group. Not a bad choice. He's got the attitude for it, that's for sure.

All we have to do now is defeat the Impure King, and I have to do something to prove myself so that the Vatican won't kill me. I'm not ready to die now, not quite yet.