Chapter 10
The Shit that Killed Clay Fighter
(グーベルベットの巻)
(or "Goo Velvet")

NOTE: Taken a page of "Miyazawa & May", this chapter, and the next one, parodies an episode of "Black Dynamite", entitled "The Shit the Killed the King" or "Weekend at Presley's".
This continues the Original Gang arc, in which this story reaches its 10th chapter.
There's a disclaimer in the end, following the next chapter.
Also, I DO NOT own the following: Black Dynamite, Futurama, Panty & Stocking, and ClayFighter. (Just in case)

In his underground office, in New New York, a mysterious robot is watching the monitor of many of the bizarre actions in the worlds. He then gruffed, "Yes… Perfect…"

The figure had a chrome robot body with a human head, in a jar. It was Richard Nixon's Head.

Futurama's Tricky Dick (What's left of him, circa 30XX)

He grumbled, "Yes, it has been going on, thanks to these many evil deities I obey… It won't be long before I rule this world with an iron fist."

A headless man roared, as Nixon translated, "Yes, Headless Body of Spiro T. Agnew… I understand. With the worlds mixed-up, as the recent time, ruling it would be tricky… Sadly, I cannot rule all, without a newer city. After all, I am President of Earth!"

The headless body of Spiro T. Agnew then growled and roared at Nixon, as he understood what he said, "Ah, ha! I see! Introduce the new city with a newfound taste of bizarreness? M ordered me to take a city and destroy it. I could just kiss you, if you had a head…"

He giggled evilly, "We'll take (par orders of M) Daten City… and introduce the newest transaction in evil history – yarn balls!"

Bubsy reference – look it up, catnip.

XXXXX

So, it began, days later, as Daten City was in yarn ball city, full of many yarn balls, surrounding the city, including bakeries, porno clubs, bars, pubs, restaurants, and other communities, all around Daten City, which is fitting, since it's in a terrible part of the center of heaven and hell.

Nixon's Head's plan was foolproof. Once the yarn balls invade, the cats will come in and take over the city, playing around, batting at, and fool with the yarn. Most importantly, it'll become Cat City, an endless city of meowing, licking, purring, pooping, and such. It will be enjoyable, but very repetitive.

However, a week passed, as Nixon's plan was successful, until Steven Nevins, driving in his Rolls Royce, viewed what was going on… as the city of Daten was quiet and peaceful.

"Everything is too peaceful here," he thought, "I have heard of this yarn ball epidemic, with all the fun yarn playing and such, but it just doesn't seem right. I smell an evil plot, or my name isn't Lando Rudiger. And it's not."

He then viewed Percival, scolding at Scanty and Kneesocks, holding up a ball of black yarn.

"Scanty! Kneesocks! What did I tell you about keeping these yarn balls for yourself?" He yelled, "If you think that I am going to let you morons try to keep them, then you're sadly mistaken! I'm okay with selling them, just DON'T DO IT ON MY TIME, EVER AGAIN!"

Steven N called out, "BOY! What are you doing with that ball of yarn, son?"

Percival said, "Finally… You came in time. These two demons were hogging the yarn, just for their usefulness of stupidity!"

Scanty scoffed, "I BEG YOUR PARDON! We were only using it to meld it into fabric, for our extra weaponry."

Kneesocks smiled, "Besides, we love black, and all colors of our heritage must be preserved."

Scanty said, "But this charlatan had the audacity to confiscate our stringed goodness!"

Steven N remarked, "So, what you're saying is that you, Per, are taking their joy away?"

Percival barked, "All because they cannot sell these yarn balls, for the greater good of Daten City! I told them this: sell all your yarn balls, right now, or YOU'RE FIRED!"

Steven N retorted, "Uh… Explain it to me, one more time… and don't act like it's the R-word."

Kneesocks sobbed, "Why would you be heartless? That jerk stole our balls! What we want is to make some useful and comforting attire, but this man suggested that we sell it for the money! It is never about the monetary status! It was about the reassuring and carefree lifestyle that this city, among other random acts of awkwardness and glamour that the cities own!"

She went flushed red again and shouted, "THAT MAN, OUR BENSON OF THIS WORLD, HAS RUINED OUR GOOD NAME, OR LACK THEREOF, ALL FOR THIS GOOD-FOR-NOTHING COMMUNITY!"

Percival said, "I'm afraid she's right, Steven. You see, while you were gone, everything has been changed for a peaceful city. There were millions of yarn balls all around Daten. We were to examine the situation, but there was a miracle."

Steven N smirked, "You better run by it, again, in my car. And easy on the red, Unicorn."

Kneesocks gasped, "Unicorn?!"

XXXXX

Percival explained, as he was sitting by Steven, who was driving. The Demon Sisters were sitting in the back.

"Anyway, a week ago, we had millions of yarn balls that we didn't know what to do. However, we were gonna study how, why, or when they get here, but luckily, an elderly couple, outside the city, purchased about twelve balls of different colors. In any case, the citizens had an idea, since it was an endless supply. We wanted to sell yarn to out-of-towners and make a profit, rather than study them. Heather, Michelle, and I thought of the idea, and agreed. But sadly, the production increased, as everyone got wind of the yarn fever… and everyone was a yarn ball salesman; except Panty and Stocking, of course."

Scanty barked, "HEY! You told us to sell, too, but we refused."

Kneesocks said, "We kept some darker colors, plus the usual beige and tan, just for our winter ways. Plus, our expensive blazers need fixing!"

Percival said, "So, after that, the city has become carefree and easy. We figured that mutant cats or aliens may appear, however, nothing. It turns out that everyone was into buying balls for sewing and arts and crafts."

Steven N asked, "Okay, so, how much were a yarn ball?"

Kneesocks said, "About twenty dollars (American), twenty Pounds, 250 Yen, 100 Euros, or 257 Kin."

Scanty added, "The toilet angel sold one for a choco-fondant… for herself."

Steven N sighed, "Typical Stocking."

Percival said, "And with the money, Daten City was cleaner and brighter than ever, all before The Gang gets set to play here, soon. The city has been cleaner, building newer buildings, produced a clothing store, and even commercial areas, including supermarkets, theatres, parks, garages, community colleges, and even the introduction of a DCCC – Daten City Civic Centre."

Steven N sighed, "Amazing… All this… just because of a mysterious yarn epidemic."

Kneesocks said, "Well, it's not an epidemic, anymore. You could say that it is a new product in Daten… and at dirt cheap, too."

Scanty smiled, "Well, as long as The Gang knows, we'll be okay. Goodbye, knock-offs."

Percival said, "Speaking of which… We have to return to Panty and Stocking and take part of a Yarned Party. You guys are all invited… except Garter. He chose to stay home, at the last minute."

Kneesocks asked, "Uh… don't we get some yarn out of this?"

Percival laughed, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…"

He sternly said, "No."

Meanwhile, in Nixon's office, his paper read the headline:
"Yarn Balls sales in Daten City turns Boondocks into Suburbia!"

"This can't be!" Nixon's Head cried, "There were supposed to be cats in Daten City! Why no pussies? And by pussies, I meant the feline type!"

Agnew then started knitting, as he groaned, "DAMN! WHY DID YOU OWN A YARN BALL?"

Just then, before Nixon berates…

"LEMME IN! This is a matter of principle, baby! I'll show myself in!" A voice called.

A fat man with a blue spandex suit appeared, wearing shades, a long tall hairstyle that looks like a blade, and has a toothy smirk.

Nixon asked, "Blue Suede Goo? The former Clay Fighter champion?"

Clay Fighter's Blue Suede Goo, or "The Impersonator"

He spoke, a la Elvis, "I got a text from an M. Mr. President of Earth, I heard all about the yarn problem, selling it to an outside organization, and it made me hotter than a mosquito in a mannequin factory."

He gobbled up some gummy blobs and said, "So, when I heard that Daten City was in a yarn spree, I said to myself: "Blue, you gotta stop these Daten Citizens from consuming yarn, uh-huh." So, I left my mansion at the circus and rushed in to help out the matter, as long as the plan was to eradicate some wrongdoers."

He started to pose in Kung Fu moves and remarked, "Lemme in the grotto ghetto gulch and punish these people, like I almost ended that fat opera broad."

Nixon thought, "Hmm… This couldn't be right… He's a washed-up Clay Fighter, straight from the video game world. He'll get himself killed from those Angels I hear about, including Steven Nevins…"

He had a terrific plan, and summoned Agnew to draw him a badge. He said, "Blue Suede Goo, as President of the Planet Earth, corrupted by alternate mess-ups, I name you the Special Agent of Fabric. You shall take out each person in Daten City, in its inexcusable ways, by any means necessary, or unnecessary."

He added, as BSG smiled, "Also, I have not heard a word from Zapp Brannigan, lately… so, I chose you for this one, at the last minute."

BSG smirked, "Well, thank you. Thank you very much."

He and Nixon shook hands, as they were being photographed, to seal the deal. BSG, however, sealed his own deal, eating a handful of Gummy Blobs.

Uh, Gummy Blobs?! Ew…

Back at the church, Stocking and Heather were having cake together, except Heather had some lactose-free cake.

Stocking smiled, "I'm surprised that the bakery I go to can make lactose-free cake slices. So, what are you, lactose-intolerant?"

Chuck tried to take a nibble of Heather's cake, but Heather swatted him away, as she spoke, "No. Since I had a second child, I cut down on sweets. Plus, I hate dairy products, since they were fattening… to me, of course."

She asked, "Out of curiosity, what is your goal on your boobs? I mean, you never get fat… I'm so jealous."

Stocking inquired, as she jabbed a fork on Chuck, in an attempt to eat her cake, "Well, it's hard to say. My boobs are up to 32 now, and it's going to D-cup. Basically, I've become the masterful expert of being a hot girl… even though the sweaty nerds are not into me."

Heather blushed, "Mizuki has 40DD, and Farra is a 38D. I'm only a 34…"

She sobbed, "Damn… Your rack is packed…"

Stocking smiled, "Oh, chill out, kid. Just because you can't stand milk, I understand. Panty basically hates sweet shit. She once offered me a bag of chips, but they were spicy food. I hate spicy food."

"Oh, I get you, honey. One time, Percival offered me a bag a zesty corn chips, but they were the zesty sour flavor. I always like sour stuff… but not too sour that makes the SweeTarts go to shame."

"I hear you. Sour is nice, but sweet is awesome."

"I know. But I cut down, ever since Beth, my second daughter, came to me."

"Aw, how sweet. I wish I had a child…"

"Yeah… About that…"

Panty appeared, as she was in smiles. She asked, "Hey, guys, not to interrupt your sweet skeet riot, but Garter wants us to go to the Yarn Party, shortly. Steven Nevins, the asshole who cannot say my name right, says that it feels wrong, of something. So, I figure that I should go, along with you two chicas."

She blushed, "Now is my chance to play with Michelle."

Heather asked, "Yarn balls?! When do I have time for-?"

WHAP!
She smacked Chuck with her fist, after reaching for her plate, again.

"…yarn? I'm not middle-aged!"

Stocking said, as she had tea, "Well, it's not what you think, Heather. So far, everyone is in to selling these cotton lumps of shit, just to make the city brighter, as it is, since Corset and those two doucher demons came."

Panty smirked, "And hey, can you believe that they rebuild the old Daten City Hotel and Bordello?"

Michelle appeared and called, "Yo, angels! Phone call! Who shall take it?"

Panty went to her and said, "Is it from Garterbelt?"

"No, it's from Percival."

She grabbed the phone, "Son of a bitch."

She talked on the phone, "Hello?"

Percival called, "Panty, it's Percy. Can you guys head over to the Yarn Party now? We got a problem of major proportions."

He stated that there was a ginger-headed kid, selling Yarn Balls, too, but he wished to have some signed by Panty.

"Ginger kid?" Panty realized, "Figures… Geek Boy came back…"

XXXXX

At the Yarn Ball Party, a boy was handing out yarn balls for a price, but the people want Panty's autograph. The boy figured, "Well, I suppose I should ask her… After all, she and Stocking saved this city, a lot."

The boy was named Briefers Rock, or Brief for short. He was the crush to Panty; however, he never had a romantic date ever. Anyway, as he was trying to sell at the party, which was all fun and games, sadly, he had no buyers. But then…

SCREECH!
A group of vehicles with federal agents appeared, along with Blue Suede Goo. He stepped out and signaled to the citizens.

He punched in place and called out, "There's a new sheriff in town, and his name is The King. Put your hands away from the silk cotton yarn and raise them up. I am under the orders of Earth President! Now all of you line up, for you are given brief cavity searches, in case of any cat-laced string!"

Brief appeared and called to him, "Mister Goo, my name is Brief, and I was wondering if you are interested in any yarn for your, uh, stunning wardrobe… It's only 200 Yen for these beauties, not that I'd say so, but… If you like, Panty will sign them for you… if she arrives, that is."

BSG slammed his gut with his belly and slapped his face, sending him to the wall. The others were shocked, as the agents, wearing gloves, approached the citizens.

BSG continued, "This is an order from Tricky Dicky's Head. Now, up against the walls, drop your drawers, and lemme grab inside you, for I will find the source of your yarn ways."

He was about to give a cavity search to Brief, until Garterbelt appeared.

"Blue Suede Goo, that's enough! This place is now clean and yarn-free, since we never use it or waste it! But you should've known better than to fuck your way into these lost souls' city, all for your ambition!"

BSG scolded, "Lissen'ere, Father Darkie, I am only a simple clay man with a standing way of trying to keep the cities in peace, and fixing everybody's yarn epidemic that you caused, and I don't need to be insult by a higher god. And this ain't about race."

He scarfed down some gummy blobs, as Steven N stepped in, "Daten City is recovering from the hell it's been through, son. The last thing we want is an overweight has-been, searching inside people, just for the hell of it. Now, you move on with your life, and return to Tricky Dick, so I won't be cruel. Or stay here and get an arse-whipping you'll never forget!"

BSG yelled at him, "Bring it on, Stevie baby! Bring it on!"

XXXXX

In a huge arena, Garterbelt called out the match, in the ring, as BSG and Steven N were in their neutral corners.

"Ladies and gentlemen of Daten City! Stand up and cheer for your hero, Steven Nevins, who will give an ass-whipping to the fat sweaty clay blob of a bastard, Blue Suede Goo!"

The fans cheered, as BSG was warming up in the blue corner. In the red corner, Heather was sitting with her husband, who was dressed in just his pants and shoes.

She remarked, "I know you can do it, but Peter plays Clay Fighter. You can't beat him with your skills."

Steven N said, "Then maybe it's time I smack some sense into his brain glob."

The bell rang, as BSG started to kick in the air. He called to Steven N, "Okay, Donkey Duke! Let's get ready to crumble!"

He launched his hair at Steven, hitting his chest like a blade… a rather dull blade.

He gasped, "My hair! Watch the hair, man!"

Steven approached him and grabbed his wrist. He started to pound his gut with his fist.

"You had enough, Melvis? Huh, Melvis? You like that, boy?"

BSG said, "Actually, yes. Melvis is my real name."

Steven N was furious that he slapped his face, with his own hand.

"Stop hitting yaself!" He jeered, as he slapped BSG's face with his hand, "Stop hitting yaself! Why are ya hitting yaself, boy?"

BSG started to cry, "You can't… do this to me… I'm the King."

Steven N remarked, "NO! You were the king! Except you're not the King! You're the fat, sweaty, moldy version of one of the most popular motherfuckers in the music world, and you've become the last stage of him. You sold out to the people, you are thrice as fat as you were, and you slept with the devil! Now if that isn't the coldest thing a motherfucker can do, then I don't know what, son."

He slapped him again, "Maybe THAT'S! WHY! YOU! ARE! HITTING! YOURSELF! SON!"

Blue Suede Goo dropped down to the mat on all-fours, and was in tears, feeling upset. He had recurring flashbacks of his days with the circus, a.k.a. the 1st ClayFighter Tournament. He remembered how he lost to Bad Mr. Frosty, Taffy, Bonker, Ickybod Clay, and his arch-rival, Helga, and underwent a deep depression, after a huge losing streak. Not once he ever made it to the final boss. Basically, he still competed, but was easily destroyed by different clay creatures… Yes. Even Gumby. This led to him being in a binge of gummy blobs.

BSG sobbed, "Okay… Okay… I'll… never do… any bad… stuff again… Steven Nevins…"

He pleaded in tears to the Original Gang member, "OH, Steven Nevins, and Daten City, in general, forgive me, for I have sinned! I throw myself on your tender mercy…"

Steven N huffed, "Sorry. But I ain't falling for that Mercy rope-a-dope."

BSG stated, as he got up, "No, I mean it. I realized know that I have seen the error of my ways. I was once a popular Clay Fighter, bent on being the King of the Circus, and getting the cheers for me."

He called out, "I appreciate your efforts, but I have been reborn and have seen the light… and the other colors. I realize now that I am an ignorant circus freak, addicted to gummy candies, leftover from the circus. May all the citizens of this city forgiveth me, Steven Nevins! Hallelujah!"

Steven N ordered, "Okay. Now that Steven Nevins has baptized you with your own fist, you better return to Tricky Dick and spread the real message to them. Now, fuck off and never return!"

BSG insisted, "No, Steven Nevins. I'm not going anywhere, ever. You see, all my life, I wanted to reinvent myself, straight from the gutter in cities like here, which led me to becoming a circus star and a Clay Fighter. The least I can I do is stay here, and spend the rest of my days, getting back to my old roots."

He grabbed a microphone and spoke, "The truth is…"

(BSG): I'm all fucked up.
Mm, mm, hmm…

(Music begins, similar to "I'm All Shook Up")

Well, I'm a messed-up circus freak; what's a wrong with me?
A candy-snacking slob, and as fat as can be
I was a Clay Fighter, musically
I'm on Gums*…

(GULP)
I'm all fucked up.
Mm, mm, hmm…
Mmm…
Yeah, yeah!

*-"Gums" in his term, means a gummy candy addict

I've battled many fighters, and was trounced by all
I almost had the world in Frosty's balls
I wouldn't be shit, if it weren't for you all
I'm on Gums…

(GULP)
I'm all fucked up.
Mm, mm, hmm…
Mmm…
Yeah, Yeah!

It's clear to see that I was outta my mind
Frisking up the butt; into Briefer's behind
And then Steven Nevins came to my sight
He whooped my ass, and he showed me the light

He took my hand and made me slap myself
I lost my control, and my gummy blobs just didn't help
I knew, at that moment, I had enough
I'm on gums…

I'm all fucked up.
Mm, mm, hmm…

(Music continues, as scene changes to a diner in Daten City)

XXXXX

A day passed and Blue Suede Goo stayed in Daten City, enjoying life after ClayFighter. He was at a local diner that Panty and Stocking attended, along with The Original Gang, the Daemons, and Brief. BSG was making a sandwich and called out, "Step aside, Garter, and let the King show you how it's done."

Stocking gasped, as he pulled out a huge sandwich, "Is that a huge marshmallow?"

"Not just a marshmallow, little Stocking. This here's a bacon, lettuce, tomato, peanut butter, pickle, pancake batter, butter, marshmallow, cheese, and banana sandwich – gluten-free."

Panty gagged, "Ew… It almost sounds like a turkey club sub sharted itself like this."

BSG then announced, "I like to dedicate this sammich to the alternate worlds, for I shall see to it that we may fix these worlds, and bring back the tranquility and peace here. May this creamy goodness be our way of working on all our goals that we'll achieve together."

He started to eat the sandwich, as Heather cheered, "LONG LIVE THE KING!"

Michelle yelled, "SHADDUP!"

Heather said, "I was trying to be cheerful to him."

He then ate the sandwich's first bite, but then started to choke a bit. He fell, face-first, as Stocking caught the sandwich. Blue Suede Goo fell and was dead… as Stocking stomped on Chuck.

Heather sobbed, "KNOCK ON WOOD! KNOCK ON WOOD! Aw, Heather knew she should've knocked on wood!"

Muscle Man and Hi-Five Ghost was in another table, watching the outcome.

"Whoa! The King died!" Muscle Man gasped.

Hi-Five Ghost said, "It's probably that gummy binge he had. You knew he'd one day get a heart attack."

Muscle Man smiled, "Well, he's dead. Even if he isn't… I can almost say he did die."

He let out an evil grin and added, "Fives! You know who else would want a gluten-free bacon, lettuce, tomato, pickle, peanut butter, pancake batter, butter, marshmallow, cheese, and banana sandwich?"

"No?"

"MY MOM!"

They high-fived, as M.M. laughed, "WOOOO!"

Back at the table, Michelle tried to revive him, but to no go. Percival then stated, "I think it might be M's work. I overheard from Kotoha that he was hired by Nixon's Head to take down Daten City."

Steven N said, "Of course. Why would the head of the most-hated U.S. President wanted to send a washed-up clay fighter and drop the BIG ONE on this city?"

Heather asked, "What Big One?"

Steven N said, "The C-Bomb."

"C-Bomb?" Brief asked.

Steven N said, "Yes. It's the most dangerous bomb, next to the N-Bomb."

Michelle asked, "You mean… Cold Fusion?"

Percival asked, "Chernobyl?"

Steven N said, "No. But close."

Stocking asked, "Or C(BEEP)-Sucker?"

Steven nodded, "Closer than that. The other C-Bomb."

He spoke in the 4th wall, "The one you can't say on TV or fanfics."

They all gasped, as Panty asked, "How did you know this shit?"

"I'm glad you asked, Penny," Steven N explained, "During my recent trip to New New York, I overheard that they are going to destroy a city with a C-Bomb."

Panty barked, "Panty! And I always thought that word was for sex talk."

Steven N said, "No, Pinchy. It's real as you and me, or otherwise. And I've seen it, with my own eyes. Anyway, I overheard that he'll randomly select a city to destroy, as long as they are breaking everything in these worlds. This happened, during the beginning, in which Nixon wanted to take it all, for his Presidential reign, over Mother Earth. And once that C-Bomb falls, life as we know it will cease to being… Of course, being categorized as a main character, it's simply about survival."

Percival said, "Even as a head, he's still a corrupt politician."

Steven N said, "And now with Blue Suede Goo dead, here in Daten City, he's gonna drop it, here. We need to make it look like that he died in his home."

Heather replied, "He once had a stage in the circus, but he had his own mansion, built over it, called "Disgraceland". Maybe we'll drop him off there, before Nixon's Head sets up the bomb."

Steven N nodded, and ordered, "Good idea, babe. That didn't sound like a Gang plan… but I'll say it is. You, Percy, Sis, and I will drive down to the circus and drop him off. Angels, Demons, you clean this place up and make sure that the bomb doesn't get there."

Scanty asked, "What about you four?

Steven N said, "We'll be fine."

The Gang left, carrying BSG's body, to Goo's Cadillac. They stepped in and drove off. Will they make it, in time, before the C-Bomb drops on Daten City?

To be continued…