Chapter 27

We got back from Kyoto yesterday, I spent way too much time sleeping, and I'm still tired! How does that even work? At least I have the room to myself for a little while. Bon and his hard-ass self took off to some other place in the dorm to study for a while. Or at least, that's what he said he was going to do. For all I know, he just wants a nap but has too much honour student pride to do it in from of a slacker. That sounds more likely to me. He's a teenager, after all. We eat lots of food, we sleep, and that's about it.

Except this feeling keeps bugging me. I know I should just go talk to someone or train or exercise or something to take my mind off of it, but I can't right now. It's just a thought and it's stuck there.

Why did they leave me alone here?

I know that they don't trust me. After all, how could they? Yeah, sure, I just saved their lives, but that doesn't really mean anything. I'm still the same and I probably would have tried to save their lives regardless of whether or not they liked me or hated me. Though getting out of Mephisto's prison by myself would have been hard...

What am I saying? One teensy little ball of fire and it melted. Well, exploded.

Speaking of my flames, I did mean to talk to Shura about all this. I mean, she did kind of have to put up with a lot, so the least I could do is apologize and give a halfway explanation about everything. I might want to cut really badly, make this anxiety or whatever it is go away, but I don't really want to do that right now. I could, it would be easy. There's the bit of plastic behind my bed, the razor in the textbook, the extra sharpener from the shopping trip, some sodas in the fridge downstairs, even a shaving razor in the bathroom. Let's not forget the nails and teeth too, but I think I'll try to ride this one out. There's no reason to cut, I just haven't done it for a week or so, so I'm edgy. That's all, just tense because it's been a while, no need to take unnecessary measures.

But I want to so badly.

No, I'm going to go to the academy, and I'm going to find Shura napping in the training room. That's it. I'm going to go over there, I will apologize, and I will come back and not feel so bad anymore. Walking will help this feeling go away, if nothing else.

I grabbed my key off of my desk and stuck it in the door. As always, the hallway to the exwire classroom appeared behind the door, so I stepped through and put my key in my pocket. I quickly marched my way over to where the training room is, and found that I was right. Shura was napping there.

Crap, this means I've actually gotta wake her up...

I sighed and tiptoed my way over to her.

"Hey, Shura," I whispered. I gave her a light poke just in case. Suddenly, I found myself on the ground with my face burning from around my nose.

"Jeez, Shura! You didn't have to punch me!"

"Well that's what you get for disturbing a lady's beauty sleep! What do you want?"

"I just came to apologize, but if you're gonna be all grumpy like that, I can just come back later!" I can't believe her! I turned to leave when she called me back.

"Wait Rin, I'm sorry. I'm just not a morning person. Give me two seconds to wake up and we can talk about whatever you wanna talk about, alright?"

"I said I wanted to apologize, not to talk."

"Eh, but that's pretty much the same thing this time, right?" She didn't even wait for a reply, "Yer just too easy to read sometimes. C'mon, tell me what's got ya down." She motioned to the bench she was sitting on, so I sat down beside her.

"I just wanted to apologize for my behaviour over the past month and a half. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I couldn't do my training properly, nothing was working out, and you had to deal with all of my failures. You, personally, because you're my trainer. I just wanted to apologize for that, so I'm very sorry." That finished, I got up to leave when a tug on my shirt pulled me back against the bench.

"Hey, I was trying to leave. Why'd you-"

"You aren't done yet. I don't care if you were having problems in yer training. Yer a kid, Kids get distracted, that's normal. Kids get upset, that's normal. What's not normal is how ya tried to go about fixing it. So tell me, what's really on yer mind right now. I know it's been at least a few days."

"Heh, try a week." I clamped my hands over my mouth. She did not just need to hear that confession.

"Ya see? Yer mind wants ya to spit it out. Give yerself a break and just say what's going on. That's what grown-ups like me are for, ya know."

I couldn't help it. I started laughing, "Ha! You, a grown-up? I'd love to see that!"

"Just 'cuz I'm eighteen doesn't mean I'm not a grown-up. Eighteen is grown-up age in America, ya know."

"Eighteen? I thought Yukio said you were twenty-si- OW! Why'd you punch me?" I rubbed the back of my head. That hurt.

"Never reveal a ladys true age. It makes them mad."

"Geez, sorry."

"Now, what was it you wanted to tell me?"

"Nothing. I apologized, that was it."

"Right. You just keep stressing yerself out, cutting yerself up, and you expect me, yerself, and everyone else to believe that yer all fine and dandy?"

"Don't say it like that."

"Then how d'you want me to say it? That's what it is, right? A rose is a rose, no matter how you spell it."

"I think you got the quote wrong..."

"Not my point." Shura looked a little testy now, but she was still being patient. Did she really get that this is hard to talk about?

"Do you know how hard it is to talk about something like this?" I asked.

"Something like what?" she baited.

"You know."

"So do you."

"So..."

"Say it."

"Why?"

"Because it's good fer you and yer never gonna truly accept it otherwise."

I blinked. Was she right? I told Kuro, but I didn't actually use the word "cut." I said "make myself bleed." Is that really just avoiding teh problem?

"The first step to overcoming a problem is admitting it." Shura coached.

"But it's not a problem. And I don't want to just get over it. It's something I do, and it's something I've been able to rely on for far longer than I've ever had people to give a damn. Cutting is the only thing I have."

"Good, ya said it. But yer wrong. It isn't the only thing ya have. It was the only thing you had. Ya have some good friends now, and ya've even got a brother. Ya've got me, ya've got that stupid clown-face, ya've also got yer cat. Look around a bit. Ya have options now."

"Maybe, but it's not that simple. I like doing it. It's safe for me. People, especially friends, are not. I can't just accept it so easily when nothing like this has ever happened before without an impossible price tag attached."

"Well then those people before were just idjits who didn't know what they were missing out on. Yer a good kid, Rin. I'm really glad ya came ta talk to me today too. Keep doin' it. I bet it feels better, even now."

"No-" I cut myself off. I didn't realize it, but that edgy feeling retracted while I was talking. I didn't even really say anything, but it just sort of backed off. It's like breathing again after being underwater for a long time. It's sweet and light and just a little bit salty. "Yeah, I guess."

"That's 'cause yer finally listenin' to yer mind and givin' it what it needs. What it needs is a way to express yer feelings. Before, it went away after ya cut yer skin. Whether or not ya intended it that way, it's still self-expression. Ya don't need to tell me yer reasons, but for whatever the reason, ya were expressing something when ya did that, right?" Shura asked.

What was I expressing? My self-hatred, my anger, frustration? Did I feel like I needed to be touchable? Even if it was just a piece of metal? Did I need to physically show my pain? Did I need to physically express punishment upon myself for anything and everything horrible I've done? I don't really know exactly what my reasons are, but when it happens, I have a general idea. Everything stems from thoughts, but what exactly I'm expressing, I'm not sure. "I guess..."

"And now yer talking. It doesn't matter what about, but ya were laughing earlier, comaplaining, teasing, doing all these things that involve feeling something and lettin' it out."

"I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right, I'm the teacher."

I had to laugh again. "And you teach what, exactly?"

"Well, I just taught ya how to act just a little bit human."

Huh? My smile dropped. I stopped laughing and just stared at her. What does she mean by that?

I think Shura understood my stare, because she answered almost right away. "Demons are creatures that hide their emotions and manipulate others with this deception. Demons are private creatures that hide all their weak points and keep others at a distance to keep themselves safe. Humans are who yer acting like right now, expressive and honest. Just be yerself, kid, or yer gonna end up half demon and half robot, insteada half human."

Those words actually kind of made sense.

"Shura?" I asked

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"No problem, kiddo. When ya've been through all that hell and back, ya gotta talk ta someone. Even if it's about nothin'. Just try ta keep that in mind, ya hear? I don't wanna hear that ya've been goin' and doin' stupid stuff like this again when ya've got a whole bunch of people who care about ya, okay?"

"I can't make any promises, but I'll try to make sure you don't hear about it." I stuck out my tongue at her and bolted. No way she isn't gonna try to hit me for that.

"Hey! Get back here! That's not what yer supposed ta say before ya go runnin' off like that!"

"Too bad! That's all you're getting! I'm a kid, remember?"

"Eh, shut up!"

I don't know why, but I feel strangely good now. It's like whatever tension I just had was wiped away from that short conversation.

I slowed to a walk, then stopped and leaned against a wall.

I can just stand here, breathe, and hardly worry about stuff right now. Any shit that I need to deal with, it's later. Right now, I'm good. I can just stop, and I can breathe, and I can feel okay.

"Hey, Rin!"

Shura was calling me again? What else does she want? "Yeah, what's up?"

"I just got one more thing ta tell ya."

"What's that?"

"Actually, it's not so much fer you as it is fer yer stupid four-eyed brother. When ya get the chance, tell him I said he's bein' a stupid four-eyed chicken, and that he needs to man-up and get over himself already."

"I can't say that to Yukio!"

"Tell him it's from me. He'll get it." Shura winked.

"But it's not very nice."

"Trust me, it's something he really needs ta hear right now."

"You know what's wrong with Yukio? Tell me! He's my brother!" Shura can't just not tell me. I've gotta help him if he's gotten himself too deep in all this trouble.

"That's not my place. Ask him yerself, or are you a chicken-monkey?"

"Monkey is Bon's insult! And I'm not afraid of talking to my own brother."

"Whatever ya say kid."

"Fine, I'll tell him, but I have a request in return."

"Oh? And who says I'm gonna agree?"

"You don't have to use that accent if you don't want to." I offered.

"Huh. What're ya talkin' about?"

"I don't know why, but it's not that hard to see that it's not your natural speech pattern. When you were waking up, you were much more articulate."

"Fine, kid, you caught me. I do it because it's easier in the long run."

"I'm not hiding around you, so you don't have to hide around me. Trust goes both ways, right?" I asked.

"Yeah. Sure, a deal then." Shura turned and waved, "See you when classes start again!"

I walked in the opposite direction. I could pretty much pick any door to get back to the dormitory, so it didn't matter if I wandered around a bit. What did Shura mean about Yukio getting over himself? Does he have some sort of identity problem? Does he just get stuck on some thought or trait and keep thinking about it without satisfying it? I'm worried for him, and that bad feeling came back.

I want to cut.

I stuck my key in the next door and walked back into my dorm room. I went over to my books and was about to pull out one of the razors from between the textbooks when I heard a voice in the room speak to me.

"Hey Okumura, where've you been?" Bon asked, "I spent all that time thinking about how to start talking to you and you went and disappeared before I had the chance."