In Any Event 13

Caroline found Alan in the barn. The police had been here a few weeks ago and torn the place apart. It had taken until today for Alan to work himself up to going in and assessing the damage. They had taken it a little easier on the house itself, mainly looking in Gillian's bedroom and through her belongings, tipping out the contents of her drawers and boxes of treasured momentos, letter, pictures Raff had drawn in infant school, the scraps of a womans life.

"It's surprised me, how close the two of you have become. I mean before all this." Alan admitted honestly. "Do you remember that first time you met? First time we met, come to think of it."

"I certainly made an impression." Caroline agreed with a small smile at the memory, she had long since gotten over the shame of it.

"I never thought then that the two of you would be friends. Our Gillian never had many female friends, a few at school, but the business with the abortion and then running around with him, bloody Eddie, he made sure the last few mates she had, got pushed out. Wanted her to himself." Alan shook his head and his eyes clamped shut briefly as if the thought of it caused him actual pain.

"We led quite different lives I suppose." Caroline said. "Although, in some ways they were very similar."

Alan looked a little surprised as Caroline continued thoughtfully.

"We both seemed to have another self, a secret, maybe we spotted it in each other right away. We each had to manage a house, a career, sons, whilst holding back our own needs, our own emotions. Carrying something inside us for so long... Not the same...I know, but... Something, an understanding."

"She told you, about Eddie? About what he did to her? When did she?" Alan asked curiously.

"A couple of years ago." Caroline confided. "We were drunk, we weren't even that close then, except...I think we both knew we wanted to be. She just blurted it out. You can imagine my reaction. I was gobsmacked! It's not the kind of thing you expect anyone to tell you, ever!."

"She never told me, I never guessed!" He berated, his hand curled into a tight fist at his side.

"She didn't want to hurt you." Caroline defended. "That's natural."

"It was more than that..." Alan sighed. "I think she already felt like she'd let us down, that we were disappointed in her, We were! But only because we knew she could do so much more, so much better, she were always very clever, very capable, she just made stupid decisions, impulsive! She were that all right, still is!"

Caroline nodded. She agreed that Gillian often seemed to act without thinking. The mess she made with Paul, John and repeatedly with Robbie spoke of a woman who acted first and thought about it later. She had told Caroline on more than one occasion that she made a point never to regret anything, but the blonde now saw that that was an empty statement, a bit of armor, a bit of brass, worn by a woman who constantly made decisions she would regret.

Alan had become quiet, somber, undoubtedly part way down a very different track of thought.

"I could never quite get my head around what would make a man do that to a woman...to his wife. I saw my Father once, he struck my Mother. Just the once. They didn't argue usually. It wasn't such a big deal back then. People knew plenty of men in't village who would knock their Old Lady about if they'd had a few drinks. No one thought too much about it. It was between them, behind closed doors, all that."

"Things were different." Caroline concurred.

"Oh yes, you wouldn't see the police coming out for that, a wife was the husbands property, he could do what he liked. Even so. That day, I saw him hit my Mother, I'll never forget, the look of shame on his face." Alan said heavily. "He never raised a hand to her again, that I am sure of."

"Raff is still angry. You don't think he'll turn up at the trial, do you?" Caroline asked after a quiet pause, she didn't want Alan dwelling on the past, on Gillian's past.

"No, I don't think so. He knows too well that she means what she says, I don't think he'd risk it. He's just angry because it's easier than being hurt, scared. He'll come around." The old man said wisely.

"I am sorry, I did try and tell her that neither of you would be happy..." Caroline began.

"I know love. But to be honest, I'm glad I won't be there. I am a coward, Caroline." He sighed heavily. "I don't think I could stand it. I mean if she hadn't said...I would go, I'd be there to support her. Still, I am grateful to her, for sparing me." He shook his head at himself. "I'm glad you'll be there though, as hard as it is. She needs someone strong."

Xxxx

"How was lunch?" Kate asked, trying not to pry too much but obviously interested in what Caroline's solicitor friend had had to say in their latest meeting.

"Oh, pointless!" Caroline huffed, slamming her glasses onto the counter top a little too hard.

Kate winced. "Nothing new? Have they heard from Robbie?"

"Nothing. As far as Natalie is concerned he is still the prosecutions key witness. If he was going to have second thoughts he would have done so by now. He wouldn't want to let it get to court, he knows how these things work."

Kate moved in behind her girlfriend and placed her hands soothingly over her shoulders, speaking close to her ear, so she didn't have to say it loudly, as if she didn't want to spook her.

"I've just finished speaking with you're Mother." She informed.

"Oh? You've had a tough afternoon too then." The blonde quipped.

Kate smiled lazily as Caroline turned to face her and their bodies pressed slightly together.

"Well...She wanted me to tell you something." Kate began.

Caroline frowned. "She's coming through you? It must be bad."

Kate's lack of reaction was a reaction in itself, one that didn't bode well. Caroline wrapped both arms around Kate's middle, perhaps she could squeeze the truth from her.

"She is coming tomorrow. She's adamant. She said that Gillian has said nothing about her not being there and I couldn't dissuade her." Kate rushed on.

"Why? I didn't think she even liked Gillian that much...I mean, I know she cares about her in her own way...but. I didn't think she'd want to sit through that and I'm sure Alan wouldn't expect it, if she's doing it for his sake." Caroline thought aloud.

"It's for you. She wants to be there for you." Kate patiently pointed out the obvious.

"Oh, I see." Caroline muttered.

Xxx

Gillian looked tiny. Well she was tiny, but she looked more so, sitting hunched at the bench with her smartly dressed solicitor sat beside her. The whole lot of proceedings had seemed to drag on for ages so far without much actually being said, just lots of shuffling about and people coming in with bits of paper. Everyone sitting then everyone standing, whispering amongst their own groups, much like a school assembly really.

"Why don't they just get on with it!" Celia hissed as she offered a bag of boiled sweets to Kate, who sat on the other side of Caroline.

Caroline scowled at her mother and concentrated harder on trying to get the measure of the judge. A woman, Caroline didn't know if this was a good thing or not. Sometimes women in this profession were harder on their own sex than a male judge would be, not wanting to be seen as a bleeding heart.

A couple of witnesses had been called so far. A woman that Natalie had found who had knocked about with Gillian and Eddie when they first started going out. She had testified to the fact that Eddie had been very jealous and controlling and that she hadn't liked him very much and that was why she let the friendship fizzle out. She hadn't ever seen Eddie hit Gillian though, the prosecution was quick to get that point out of her and really they were back to the beginning.

A friend of Eddie's had got up and sworn that although Eddie liked to drink very heavily and he often got into fights in the pub, he would never hit a woman, no matter how bad she was asking for it.

"That was about as insightful as Mystic Meg!" Celia commented once he had sat down.

Then after all the waiting around, nothing happening and a short break, it was upon Caroline all too soon, the time when Gillian would take the stand and give her version of events. Natalie had confided in Caroline that she had reservations about Gillian taking the stand but that her client had insisted and they had worked hard on what she would say.

Caroline nervously drummed her fingers upon her knees, which poked out from beneath her hemline. Kate placed her hands wordlessly over Caroline's, covering her protectively. Their eyes met briefly and Caroline relaxed a little.

Xxx

Gillian's testimony stuck to the facts for the most part, guided nicely by Natalie to a detailed account of some of the more gory incidents of abuse that Gillian had to endure. Gillian remained very matter of fact, detached even, until she recounted the story of the first time her husband had raped her.

Caroline could see some members of the jury recoil, a couple of the women looked as if they might cry, one young man bowed his head and shook it sympathetically, not able to continue to look at Gillian as she spoke.

Celia too was obviously finding it difficult to listen to and at one point, when the opportunity arose, Kate asked if Celia wouldn't mind going to ring Alan and check up on the girls. Celia eagerly made her way out and was absent until the court adjourned and Gillian was taken for a brief respite.

The two woman team, Gillian and Natalie had managed to gloss over the events on the actual day of Eddies death. Gillian had said that they were both in and out of the barn working and that just as she returned to the barn for the final time she saw her husbands head in the machine, she wasn't sure if he had stumbled or tripped, she wasn't even really sure if he was already like that before she came in. It was a blur, it all happened so fast, and it was so many years ago now that she wasn't sure that she could rely on her own memory or if it had been influenced by the passing of time and what she had heard from everyone else.

Natalie finished by having Gillian reiterate the fact that the police at the time did a thorough investigation and had cleared her of any wrong doing.

Caroline and Kate filed out into the corridor where Celia was sat waiting with her handbag on her knee.

"Oh, she's done then?" Celia asked looking up at her daughter who had Kate's arm linked through hers, leaning a little against her girlfriend, more for emotional support than for physical, although she felt she may need that too, her legs like jelly.

"For now." Caroline sighed. "The other side get their chance to grill her after lunch." She told her mother.

Celia nodded, her face grim. "The girls are fine." She told Kate.

"Oh, good, not giving Alan any trouble?" Kate asked.

"No, he loves them to bits, you know that." Celia smiled with some effort..

Kate nodded, but for a moment was taken miles away, to the future, to Mya's future, to what if, what if anyone ever hurt her the way Gillian had been hurt? The thought brought the taste of sick to fill her mouth and she clutched at her stomach.

"Bathroom." She announced as she pulled away from Caroline and hurried to the heavy door.

Xxxx

"And you were married soon after that?" The cross examination continued.

"Yeah, I think it was six weeks later, no seven." Gillian replied.

"Quiet quickly then, was there any reason you were married in a rush?" Implication, Judgement in the question, a judgement that was intended to pass on to the jury.

"No. Other than, we were young and we were in love. People didn't think we would last and I suppose we both wanted to prove em all wrong." Gillian admitted.

Caroline cringed. Too much. She was giving him too much.

"So, how long after you were married did the alleged abuse begin?" The prosecutor was younger than Gillian, probably not much older than William.

"Not long. I mean. We'd already had...rows, fallen out a couple of times, he gave me a slap once, before we got married but I think I'd slapped him first..." Gillian stopped short. Caroline imagined it was due to the laser beam stare she was sending her.

"So you were violent with your husband? It was give and take, tit for tat? You gave as good as you got?" The young lawyer pounced.

"No, it wasn't like that. Just that once...before we got wed. It was different after that. That was a silly row..." Gillian protested.

"A silly row, which provoked you to physically attack Eddie?" The lawyer threw back at her.

Eddie he called him, as if he was friendly, familiar with the man, as if he hadn't been dead for over ten years. Caroline tutted her disapproval.

"I slapped him, not hard, I couldn't have hurt him, he was a big fella, he was strong..." Gillian reasoned.

"And this occasion, before the marriage, was this the one and only time you ever hit your husband?"

"I...I don't...remember...I mean...I think after, when he first started to really...batter me, I tried to push him off, to get away, I threw something once, an ornament...to try and slow him down...It hit him on the arm and he threw something twice as heavy back. A paperweight, the corner of it it hit my eyebrow, there was a lot of blood then, in my eyes, I couldn't see..." Gillian raised her trembling fingers to trace the spot as if she still felt the pain.

"So you had a tumulous relationship, you fought, you hit one another..."

"No. It wasn't like that. There is a difference between two people having a fight with each other and someone...abusing...a person..." Gillian said through gritted teeth, her eyes piercing into the man with the questions and the air of indifference.

"We heard about the claims of abuse..." The young man stopped her with a raised hand.

"What I'd like to ask you about now is the farm you live on."

"What about it?" Gillian asks, already defensive.

"You weren't born into it? Farming? You didn't inherit the farm?" The young man asked. Questions he already knew the answer to, he just liked to hear her say it.

"No. I didn't." Gillian confirmed.

"So who's idea was it to buy the Farm?"

"It was mine, but Eddie was up for it from the start, he liked the idea of working with his hands and working for himself, no one to answer to."

"So, you wanted the Farm?" He pressed again.

"We both did, but yeh, I instigated it, I did all the finding out, the deals with folk, got it all set up..." Gillian said, a hint of pride in her tone, her head rising somewhat.

"A farm is a lot of work isn't it? A lot of pressure?" The young man asked, almost kindly.

"We had tough times, but we put the graft in and we did okay, we both got up at the crack and worked all day, apart from if Eddie had been on the drink, then he might stay in bed an extra hour, but once he was up he was back at it."

"So you were both very committed to the farm?

"Yeh, we loved it, it was the best thing we did...until Raf...our son was born." Gillian said firmly.

"Where he is going with this?" Caroline whispered irritably to Kate.

Kate shrugged and gave her hand a squeeze.

"You admit that you were having a very difficult time in your relationship with your husband in the weeks leading up to his death?"

"Yeah, months, he had been drinking more and the violence was getting worse...it was always pretty bad...but I was more worried...with Raff about..."

"Had Eddie ever harmed your child?" He put in quickly.

"No, no. I don't think he would have...He thought the world of Raff...but it's not what you want your child to be exposed to is it? Who knows how he would have turned out if Eddie was still around...if he had seen all that?" Gillian seemed to be asking no one in particular.

"So, through all of this conflict you must have discussed breaking up, divorcing?"

"We didn't discuss anything like that...it was never a discussion..." Gillian snapped.

"So you threatened to leave?" The young man supplied.

"No...I didn't want to leave...I didn't think I should have to leave..." Gillian contradicted.

"You were scared, terrified of the man? You wanted to protect your son and yet you didn't want to leave him?" Incredulous, incomprehensible.

"I didn't want to leave the farm. I worked hard to get it, I put everything into it, for years, I took everything he dished out and I poured it all back into the farm, every bit of energy I had left in me once he was through..." Gillian pledged through gritted teeth.

"So you didn't want to leave the farm, that was your priority."

"I wanted something to give to Raff, it wasn't just for me..." Gillian protested.

"If you didn't intend to leave, come what may...did you ever ask your husband to leave?" Casually curious.

"Yeah, too right I did. I screamed at him to piss off, never to come back..." Gillian said, a little hysteria creeping up in her.

"And how did he react to this?" Calm, reasonable, making her look even less so.

"He laughed, he kicked me in the stomach...I was on the floor in the barn...he'd kicked me there. He said he would never leave the farm. Never!" The determination with which that statement must have been delivered was clear now as it must have been all those years ago.

The clean shaven man walked slowly away from Gillian, pushing his hands into his pockets and bowing his head a little as if in serious consideration, allowing the jury to ruminate on the words of Gillian, the implications, the inferences. Giving them time to catch up with him, a pied piper leading them to share in his, the only, conclusion.

His head jerked up as if a thought had suddenly occurred to him. "You believed him?" He checked.

Gillian nodded. "He said he'd leave the farm over my dead body!" She admitted.

"So he had told you in no uncertain terms that he would never leave the farm and you yourself swore that you would not leave. That would bring myself and the jury to conclude that this act of self defence you claim to have committed was less about defending yourself, your own life and in fact more about securing the farm, the future, as you saw it, for you and your son."

"I...I ...did want to keep the farm, but that's not why I hit him, that's not what happened, we were arguing, it was nothing to do with the farm, he attacked me, he used to hold my fingers right over the blades, centimeters away, pull them hard, he said I could still work with just one less or two, he'd done it before, he made me hold bits of wood up and he'd throw the hand axe at them, he said if I moved he would definitely hit me..." Gillian was becoming tearful now, trembling.

"So, you saw your chance? He stumbled, tripped, lost his grip of you and you turned on him and used all your strength to push his head into the machine, knowing it would damage him beyond repair and probably kill him? Then just to be sure, sure that he didn't recover, sure that you didn't have to spend your life caring for a helpless man, who you, by this point, hated, you hit him again, while he lay, unable to defend himself?"

"I didn't mean for him to die, when I pushed him, I was getting him off me, maybe hoping his hand would go in, I didn't think I had the strength to push him in like that...and then when I saw what I'd done...what state he were in, I knew I had to end it. I didn't hate him then, I just wanted to end it, for him as well as for me."

"Shit!" Caroline cursed almost silently. "What are they going to make of that?" She asked as she studied the ghostly white faces of the jury.

Xxxx

A/N- Thanks for reading. I know the court stuff is not very realistic or accurate but if I had to research the trial stuff properly you would probably never get an update. xx